Original subtitles

- Hey, uh, Bridget? - [Bridget] What?

Could you come in here a minute?

What is it, honey?

Sweetheart, look, I... I really hate to be a male chauvinist about this,

but how can I button a shirt with no buttons?

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart. Why don't you wear the brown turtleneck

and I'll put the buttons back on this tonight?

Yeah, and look, uh, while you're at it,

could you take a shot at this?

Why don't you just throw that away?

Hey, come on, now. That's... that's a good sock. I mean...

- It's got a hole in it. - Yeah, I know it's got a hole in it.

If you sew it up, it doesn't have a hole in it.

[Bridget] if you'd wanted to marry a seamstress,

you should've married Betsy Ross.

[Bernie] Oh, cute, Bridget. Very cute.

And if I wanted to marry a comedian, I'd have married Carol Burnett.

- Boy, they were right. - Who?

Them. Everybody. They said sooner or later they'll get on each other's nerves.

You are not getting on my nerves.

- Then why are you shouting at me? - I am...

Sorry, I didn't mean to shout.

It's okay. It cleared the air.

Help.

Well, it did.

I bet there are a lot of things I do that bother you.

Sweetheart, nothing about you bothers me, okay?

- Nothing. - Are you getting a fever?

Nothing, except when you stand there and ask me if I'm getting a fever.

My mother does that.

Okay, okay. Well, I... I think

what we did in there was very constructive.

I mean, getting it all out into the open.

Right, we must do it again sometime.

Hi, Ma.

[Sophie] Bernie.

Hey, you got a cup of coffee?

What's the matter?

What? Does something have to be the matter because I ask for a cup of coffee?

A face like you're wearing

and I'm not supposed to ask what's the matter?

Sophie, give the boy a cup of coffee.

- You okay, Bernie? - Yeah.

Maybe you got a fever.

Thanks, Ma, for not disappointing me.

Forget the coffee. I gotta go.

Florence Nightingale, you couldn't give him a simple cup of coffee?

What was that all about?

He had a fight with Bridget.

- How do you know? - A mother always knows.

Suddenly, she's a fortuneteller.

Will you stop worrying about those kids?

Marriage is like buying a used car.

It looks good, you buy it. Then everything goes wrong.

But it gets better later on.

Only you got to realize

there comes a time when the honeymoon is over.

Sure. Those two kids, they've been married months now.

All they do is work all the time. No wonder they start to pick.

That's what I said.

No, Moe. That's not what you said.

What you said was the honeymoon is over.

But you see, the honeymoon is not over.

And I'll tell you why.

They never had a honeymoon.

They never had a honeymoon.

Oh, thank you, Charles.

Madam.

Bridget, dear, you're awfully quiet this afternoon.

Honestly, it's like... It's like talking to a vacuum.

I might as well be talking to myself.

I'm sorry, Mom. I guess I'm a little out of it today.

Well, dear, I am not one to pry.

I know that if there was anything bothering you,

you'd tell me and I wouldn't have to ask.

Is anything bothering you?

Is there something wrong between you and Bernie?

- Wrong? Between me and Bernie? - Mm-hmm.

Whatever gave you that idea?

Well, nothing except that you have the same expression on your face

that I had the first time I packed up and went home to Mother.

Oh, but girls don't do that sort of thing these days, do they?

I mean, pack up and go home to mother?

No, they don't. And I won't.

Why, dear? Don't you like it here?

Hello?

Amy? Sophie. How are you, dear?

Listen, you know that wedding present we haven't gotten the kids yet?

Yes?

All the trouble we had because of Bernie's pride

and not being able to find the right thing?

Get to the point already.

The one present the kids really need right now,

a honeymoon.

A honeymoon?

Oh, Bridget, dear,

just let that go in one ear and out the other, will you?

We all go in on it together.

Together?

Oh, Sophie, don't you think the children should go alone?

You wouldn't believe.

Of course, there's the Costa Brava.

Oh, but I don't know, Walt.

With all those girls running around half naked,

I don't think that's the best place to take

a new husband, do you?

Absolutely not.

An old husband, yes. A new husband, no.

Oh, Walt, be serious.

I am, Amy.

Some place nice with grass and trees and fresh air and a lake.

Right, right. And money's no object.

Sophie, don't get carried away.

Oh!

Sam, I know where.

You know where.

Where else?

St. John in the Virgin Islands.

Pincus Pines in the Catskills.

I'll make the reservations tomorrow.

Ah, Bridge, I don't know.

Bernie, you're a wonderful man.

Mm-hmm.

- And I adore you very much. - Yeah.

But you can also be the most stubborn and pigheaded man I've ever met.

- Now, look... - Bernie.

My mother always told me to stay away from Irish kids.

They're very tough. They wanna fight all the time.

Look, both of our parents want to give us this gift

and I want to accept it.

Please.

Babe, Otis would have to double up on a shift

in order for me to get away.

Don't they give out vacations where you work?

Yeah, they give out vacations but...

Mine doesn't happen to be due yet.

Ask for it early.

Sweetheart, I think you're trying to tell me something.

And I like it.

Ah, hello, Sam. Moe.

- [Moe] Hello, Mr. Fitzgerald. - Hello, Walt.

Well, wait till I tell you my good news.

Now, that's a coincidence.

I was just gonna call you and tell you my good news.

But you're a guest, so you go first.

Sam, the kids are going to the Virgin Islands for their honeymoon.

I've made all the arrangements.

Oh, no. The kids are going to Pincus Pines in the Catskills for their honeymoon.

- I have made all the arrangements. - Oh, boy.

Pincus Pines? You must be joking.

You notice I didn't laugh when you said Virgin Islands.

Sam, if you're worried about your half of the money, don't.

It just so happens that one of my companies owns a hotel down there.

Oh, well, it just so happens

that one of my third cousins owns Pincus Pines.

Sam, let's get to the bottom line, as they say.

Now, I am offering our kids a luxury that only a king can afford.

Oh, the finest hotel, the warmest sun,

the whitest sand, the bluest water.

If the kids don't wanna go, I'll go.

Now look, Mr. Uptown.

My Bernie doesn't like white sands and warm suns.

And I'll tell you another thing.

He gets nauseous on the ocean.

And my daughter Bridget deserves a better honeymoon

than at some rundown flytrap in the Catskills.

Oh, that's very nice. Your reservations are for a king

and mine are for a rundown fly?

Wait a minute!

You're both acting like a couple of cuckoos.

Have you asked Bridget whether she wants to go to the Caribbean?

Yeah.

Well, no, I haven't mentioned it yet.

Aha! And you.

Have you discussed the Catskills with Bernie? Huh?

So what, Mr. Perry Mason?

So who's going on this honeymoon?

You two?

I rest my case.

Well, I suppose he's right, Sam.

I mean, the decision should be up to the kids.

I'll go along with that.

As long as there's no pressure.

That goes both ways, of course.

Of course.

Sophie, only once before in my life have I tasted noodle pudding like this.

That's funny. I make it every week.

And that was the night of our honeymoon dinner, Sophie.

You remember?

Oh, yes. How could I forget?

That dear little hotel in the Catskills.

Fresh air, trees, quiet.

Even then, Pincus Pines was a palace.

Funny, I thought you stayed at Feldman Falls.

Moe, don't talk with your mouth full.

Who's eating?

So eat so you won't talk.

I told you not to go out in the rain.

You told him. I told him.

The only one who didn't was Walter Cronkite.

Don't worry, the Pines will do wonders for that cough.

I propose a toast to the honeymoon couple.

Uh, listen, don't forget my boss who gave us the vacation early.

And to the New York Mets who can use all the help they can get.

Uh, listen, Mom, the dinner was fabulous

but you'll have to excuse us, we've gotta run.

You just got here. You haven't touched anything.

Well, we hate to eat and run but there was this previous appointment.

She's going to feed you dinner, too.

Just dessert.

[Sam] And he said no pressure.

Well, I think it's called equal time.

[Bernie] Bye. Good night.

peche flambe a la Charles, madam.

That is lovely, Charles.

Do you remember the first time we had this dessert, Amy?

Oh, yes, on our honeymoon,

in the Virgin Islands.

Well, I could've sworn you went to Europe.

Oh, no, dear, that was the next year.

Daddy and I went to St. Thomas in the Virgin Islands for our honeymoon.

Don't you remember?

No, Mother. I wasn't with you at the time.

Oh, that's a shame.

You missed a beautiful trip.

It was pure magic, my boy.

The white sand, the blue water. And that warm, warm sun.

Can't you just feel it beating down on you?

You know, as a matter of fact, I think I can.

Would you, uh, excuse me for just a minute?

I, uh, think I better lie down.

What's the matter, Bernie?

I don't know. Sunstroke?

Hello? Oh, Bernie!

What did he decide?

W-What is it, Bernie? A trip to the Catskills?

Uh, not quite, Mom.

They're not going to the Catskills.

So, you're going to join the jet set and visit the Virgin Islands, hmm?

- Not there, either? - Give me that.

Stop playing games, Bernie. Where are you going?

Into surgery, first thing in the morning, Dad.

I'm, uh, having my tonsils out.

Poor Bernie has to lose his honeymoon along with his tonsils.

- Did you get the number? - What number?

Beth Israel Hospital.

We should keep it by the phone just in case.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Who said he was in Beth Israel?

I just assumed. I never asked.

I mean, where else?

Dr. Mansfield.

Dr. Mansfield. Report to X-ray.

Oh, excuse me.

Any minute now Pat O'Brien will be coming around the corner.

Dr. Stewart.

Report to emergency. Report to emergency.

Close.

I beg your pardon!

Yes?

Can you hear me okay?

Perfectly.

Then maybe you can tell me.

My son, you see, he was supposed to go on his honeymoon to Pincus Pines.

A beautiful spot. You'd love it.

But his in-laws wanted to ship them to the Virgin Islands.

Begging your pardon.

Anyway, he got sick in their house,

and Heaven knows...

Oh, no offense.

We didn't expect him to wind up here.

Your son is in room 305, Mrs. Steinberg.

305, right.

How did she know who I was?

Sweetheart, it's late. Why don't you come to bed?

There'll be none of that here, Mr. Steinberg.

Come to think of it, you don't look much like my wife.

Are you awake, honey? Hi, sweetheart. Come on.

Hey.

Are you okay?

He'll be just fine, Mrs. Steinberg.

Absolute rest is what he needs right now.

Excuse me. Bernie.

- Bernie, my boy. - Hi, Dad.

What do you say?

As little as possible.

I'll do all the talking. Do you need anything?

How about a ventriloquist?

Don't talk. You'll strain your voice.

He looks fine.

He looks terrible.

But don't worry.

I got some nice chicken soup.

I'm sorry. That will never do.

How do you know? You haven't tasted it yet.

I'm sorry. No food.

The patient just came from surgery.

But this isn't food. For a Jewish boy, it's medicine.

It's what we call Jewish penicillin.

A little joke, Mother Superior.

And this is a little rule.

The patient will have no food except what is on this chart.

I'll hold that for you at the front desk. Good afternoon.

Poor baby. It's just your luck to get a top sergeant.

Sweetheart, that was no top sergeant.

That was General Patton.

Dr. Norton. Report to Pediatrics.

Dr. Norton.

Sophie strikes again.

She was here four times yesterday. Three times the day before.

You know, Mother Superior's spending so much time

carrying food out of that room,

she's beginning to look like a head waiter.

Look at him. Look at him. All skin and bones.

With all the food she's taken,

somebody in this hospital's eating pretty good.

So maybe you'll learn, Sophie.

When the Mother Superior says no, she means no.

Who could get well from an operation without chicken soup?

Chicken?

Oh, well, this is a jolly group!

Hello, hello.

Oh, Bernie.

Bernie, we have good news for you.

We ran into your doctor downstairs and he says you can go home tomorrow.

Terrific.

Of course, you may not be able to sing like Tony Bennett for a while.

Yeah, well, that's not exactly what I had in mind.

You know, it's a good thing I left those reservations open.

Eight days in the Virgin Islands should be enough romance for anyone.

Wait a minute, Walt. They're going to the Catskills.

- The Virgin Islands. - To the Catskills.

Wrong. The both of you.

Listen, Bernie,

two of our drivers got in a beef on Pulaski Skyway last night.

Both of them got their license lifted for 30 days.

Don't tell me, Otis.

All vacations have been canceled.

I told you not to tell me.

Bernie, if you wanna keep your job, you better be in there Monday morning.

But what about our honeymoon?

Sweetheart, I don't know how to break this to you,

- but you remember the kiss a minute ago? - Yeah?

That was the honeymoon.

- Gin. - Again?

Hello, young lovers.

- Hey, babe. - [Otis] Hi.

Brother Otis has flashed on an idea.

And since you're up and about but can't go on the honeymoon,

why not have the honeymoon come to you?

What do you mean?

Genuine French champagne, direct from California.

It's not a bad idea. I mean, it's...

It's a nice clean room.

Color TV.

A beautiful view of the river.

And some crazy-looking bellhops.

Mighty fine accommodations, if you ask me.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah?

Well, you know what they say about three.

Surprise!

Guess who's here.

What do they say about five?

Kids, we had a great idea.

Since we couldn't go on the honeymoon, you're gonna bring the honeymoon to us.

Walt, you told me that was your idea.

It was my idea.

It was, uh, everybody's idea.

Oh, well, you see, Otis.

- We do have something in common. - Right, Walt.

Hey, everybody,

we... we really appreciate what you've done, but, uh, see you in the morning?

Yeah, man.

Oh, oh, wait. I almost forgot.

There, now what more could anyone want?

Privacy. Come on, Amy.

Surprise!

Walt, Amy.

Well, since you couldn't go on a honeymoon,

the honeymoon comes to you.

You know, I think that's gonna make a wonderful bumper sticker.

It's getting almost as popular as "We Shall Overcome."

We shall overcome what, Walt?

What is this? The St. Xavier Hilton?

Well, I'm glad you're all here.

Now we can toast the honeymoon couple. Moe?

Lubner's Vintage Concord.

What year?

November. Their very best.

Uh, hey, uh, everyone...

Yo, Ma, Dad. Look, thanks very much, but...

Listen, Sam, remember that tune?

They played it on our honeymoon.

So, you remember what you did?

How could I forget?

I think you opened it a month too early, Moe.

Nice going, Sam.

That's nice.

What is going on here?

Would you believe, a PTA Meeting?

How about a honeymoon celebration?

A honeymoon celebration?

For them. Theirs got canceled out.

I know it's a bit irregular...

A bit irregular, Mr. Fitzgerald?

It is unheard of.

You two, come with me.

She's taking us to the superintendent.

Sweetheart, we're not in school.

Rules are rules.

A hospital is for patients.

My dear, do you think you might be coming down with something?

What?

I believe you are.

Perhaps it would be best if you stayed overnight.

You know, Bernie, the whole world is full of beautiful people.

Who would think that a Mother Superior could be so human.

I think it just goes to prove my Uncle Moe's theory.

What?

When you're in love, the whole world is Jewish.

- [Bernie] Babe? - In here.

- Oh, hi. - [Bridget] Hi.

Hey, do I have terrific news.

Hey, you didn't have to do that.

- Wanna bet? - All right.

Look, we're finally gonna have a honeymoon,

just the two of us.

Your boss let you have a week off?

Better than that.

My parents are going out of town for the weekend.

Oh, well, that's terrific. But what about my folks?

Oh, I took care of that, too.