Original subtitles

- You ready, Moe? - Yeah, yeah.

One, two, three.

You sure this is an air conditioner?

Feels more like a block from an ancient Egyptian tomb.

Oh, I'm sorry, Bernie. I know it's heavy, but...

Well, a delivery truck would've been noticed,

and you wouldn't want to spoil the surprise, would you?

Not after I've dedicated two ligaments and a sagging sacroiliac to it.

What are you doing?

[Amy] Oh, Bernie, I hope your parents won't mind.

I've never given a five-year-old anniversary present before.

Better here than in your basement keeping the hot water pipes...

- And what's wrong with a five-year-old? - ...warm.

Well, to be worth anything,

something has to be either brand new or at least 100 years old.

[Bernie] We're ready any time you are.

Okay, so let's cut the ribbon and cool off.

Oh, hope it works.

- Oh. Oh, boy! - You okay?

You didn't hurt yourself, did you, Moe?

I'm not sure, but I know I didn't help myself.

Refreshing.

Just like a visit from Frosty the Snowman.

Yeah, but you're moving out, Frosty.

- Bernie? - What?

Why don't we go into the deli and bring them back right now?

That's a terrific idea. Come on.

Oh! This is so much fun. You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go... I'll go up and stay with Bridget until...

until you call us, okay?

Okay, but be prepared for a lady with two black eyes

because Sophie's mascara always runs when she cries.

[Bernie] We'll see. We'll see when we get there.

Well, did I tell you? Hot like a steam bath.

Well, so where's the gift already?

It's all right, you'll see it. Come on, look in the bedroom, Ma.

So who's in there, Warren Beatty? That's the hottest room in the apartment.

Are you in for a surprise?

Ooh, if you only knew what was in there.

Now, what is this, I Got a Secret? Open the door already.

Okay.

But, remember, don't get overcome from emotion.

And just keep in mind that the whole thing is

a gift from your in-law, Mrs. Fitzgerald.

Ready? Surprise!

Help! Fire!

My beautiful bedspreads and drapes, smoked like a herring.

The fireman says the air conditioner

probably caused an overload on the circuit.

Oh, Sophie.

- Oh, I feel so terrible. - Oh, don't be silly.

Listen, you tried to do a nice thing.

How could you know you'd smoke us out of house and home

and ruin our clothes, and our carpets and drapes,

and scorch the wallpaper?

Oh, I wish there was something I could do.

And make us smell like Smokey the Bear.

Ma, will you stop? Come on, now. It wasn't exactly the Great Chicago Fire.

Since you mentioned it,

wasn't an Irish lady involved in that one too?

This is the last of it. We cleaned out all the dressers.

Well, you... you can take it right on in there.

You and Mother Steinberg can sleep in our bedroom,

and Bernie and I will sleep out here.

Me, I got a choice. The bathtub or the fire escape.

No, no. No, none of you is gonna sleep anywhere.

Not so loud. My feet will hear you and they'll go on strike.

No, no, I... I didn't mean that.

I meant none of you is gonna sleep anywhere but in my house.

In your townhouse?

Such a nice offer.

But we couldn't impose.

Listen, are you sure?

Because you're not just talking about a couple of days, you know.

There may be a week's work downstairs.

A week, two weeks, is no problem.

There's Bridget's old room. There's Mike's old room.

Well, at least we should consider it.

Congratulations. You got us.

Yes, Friday will be fine, Mr. Ross.

Why don't you count on dinner and an evening with us?

We'll treat you royally.

Well, thank you, Mr. Fitzgerald.

You fellows on the museum board

sure make a humble Hoosier feel welcome in the big city.

It, uh, wouldn't have anything to do

with my $13 million collection of Madonnas now, would it?

It certainly would, Mr. Ross.

I'd be the toast of the New York Museum if I could deliver your collection.

But the invitation stands with or without your da Vincis,

Botticellis, Bellinis, Tintorettos, and all those other Swedes.

Well, with or without your sense of humor, Fitzgerald, I'm sure we'll get along fine.

- See you Friday, then. - Right, Mr. Ross. Ciao.

I'm leaving, Charles.

Big meeting of the board at the Museum of Art.

Charles, if you notice your luck starting to improve,

it's a mezuzah.

Sort of a Jewish good-luck charm.

Yes, sir.

You're all set, Amy.

All set? What... Uh... Oh.

I was assisting Mr. Plotnik in the installation of his mezuzah.

From henceforth, your townhouse will be safe from plagues,

- tigers, volcano eruptions. - [Sophie] Ho, boy.

But not from Sophie's "ho, boys."

The only way to get the "ho, boys" out is to do a little exercise.

Amy, darling, have you got a TV with a lot of floor space around?

Oh, yes, there's a... there's a TV in the library.

Um, Charles, would you move the marble table to one side, please?

You know, so there'll be a lot of space around the TV.

Yes, madam.

I like to spread out in the morning with Jack LaLanne.

Oh.

Oh, certainly.

Will he be staying for breakfast?

Jack LaLanne is a TV program.

Well, he would've been welcome.

If you'll excuse me, dear, I'll see what else I need.

- I moved the doll collection off my bed. - Oh, that's good, dear,

'cause I wouldn't want Sam and Sophie to be... to be crowded.

Um, Mother, have... have you told Daddy about the Steinbergs yet?

Oh, no, dear.

I didn't... I didn't wanna bother him at his museum board meeting.

Oh, but maybe... maybe I ought to warn him

so that he won't come home and just blurt out something.

You know, like his true feelings.

- [Moe] Oh, Amy. - Yes, Moe?

Could I ask you a favor?

Oh, of course, Moe. Any little thing.

Well, this is, uh, a rather big thing.

It's hanging on the wall over my bed.

A very large Jesus on a cross.

Oh, well, yes. Um... Does it make you uncomfortable?

Only if it falls on my head.

You're sure it won't be too much trouble?

No. No trouble at all.

And I will have the laundress wash them twice

to be sure to get the smoky smell out.

Oh, perfect. You're a real person.

- [Amy] Oh, hello, dear. - Hello, Amy.

Dear, you know, I think your husband is close to something important.

Oh, Walt, what a nice thing to say.

Oh, no, I didn't mean... Well...

Oh, look, Walt, I have something I have to tell you.

I know.

We're having barbecue, aren't we? What is it, ribs?

Oh, no, no. As a matter of fact, it's the Steinbergs.

Oh, don't be silly, Amy. They can't eat ribs.

Oh, no, dear, I know, I didn't mean that.

I meant, well, you see, the Steinbergs have had a little problem.

Hold your thought, Amy. I have got to tell you about my triumph.

You may be looking at the next chairman of the board

of the New York Museum of Art.

Well, congratulations, Walt.

Oh, Amy, about my pajamas.

Could you please use a little of that Dainty Daisy fabric softener, please?

It makes them snugly.

Snug...

Amy, what's going on here?

It was the only thing I could do, Walt. And I didn't think you'd mind.

Of course I don't. They're welcome.

It's just a little startling to come home to find

that you're running an annex to the Tel Aviv Hilton.

Well, it isn't as if they'll be here forever.

I mean, they'll be gone in a week.

A week? That's impossible. Franklin Ross'll be here Friday night.

Amy, don't you know what this means to me?

Oh, yes! He's that rich man with all the paintings?

He's not just rich, Amy. He is Mr. Rich-Social-Indianapolis.

And if I can corral all those paintings he owns,

I'll be top man on the museum board.

Amy, how can you be so calm when I'm so nervous?

Well, I've had a lot of practice.

I know, Walt!

Why don't we take Mr. Ross out to dinner?

Because he's coming here to see our collection of religious paintings.

Oh, how wonderful. When did we buy it?

We didn't buy it, Amy.

I borrowed it from the museum

for the one night that Mr. Ross is gonna be here for dinner.

And the Steinbergs don't exactly go

with the Botticellis, the Bellinis, the Donatellos.

Oh, I always thought that Jews and Italians got along very nicely.

They're paintings, Amy.

And I have to have a clean shot at Mr. Ross without any distractions.

So the Steinbergs are just gonna have to go to a hotel.

Walt, they're practically family.

I mean, we can't just throw them out into the street.

Why not? We do it to your brother Dwight all the time.

Except when we find him out in the street and we have to pull him in.

Anyway, it's my fault that their place burned and...

Oh, Walt, I... I invited them.

Oh.

Well, it's only one night.

Maybe we can manage with them.

Oh, excuse me. I'm not interrupting?

But could you show me the pots and pans I could use for our supper?

Oh, Sophie, the cook is preparing dinner for all of us.

And there's nothing that you can't eat.

We're having vichyssoise, quiche Lorraine, duck à l'orange.

Do any of those mean kosher?

Sophie, maybe you can give me a secret clue where you hid my shirts.

Oh, they're being laundered, Sam.

That doesn't give you much of a choice.

The only one here is the one I spilt the beet borscht on.

Oh, come along, Sam,

I'll wash it out for you in that little tub next to the toilet.

[Walter] Sophie, that is not a tub. That is a...

Oh, never mind.

Franklin Ross and the Steinbergs in the same room? Never.

Oh, I may be a gambler, yes, but I am not The Cincinnati Kid.

Amy, you just say a prayer

that I can put off Ross until the first of the week.

Oh, hello, Mr. Ross. Walt Fitzgerald here.

I ran into a slight complication.

I was hoping that maybe that you might be able to shift our dinner date.

Fitzgerald, you're a mind reader. I was gonna ask you to do the same thing.

Wonderful, sir.

I'll be in town tomorrow night. We can have dinner then.

Tomorrow night?

I hope it's convenient, Fitzgerald.

Of course, I think it's only fair to tell you,

Notre Dame is after the collection too.

They've offered to put up a special building right next to the chapel.

I think my Madonnas would like that.

Tomorrow night will be very convenient, Mr. Ross.

We look forward to seeing you then.

Weren't you gonna put it off until later?

Don't give me any flak, Amy. That man is torturing me with Notre Dame.

Well, I thought you liked Notre Dame.

They're Irish.

I do. And I like the Steinbergs too.

But they've gotta go!

Where?

I don't know!

I can't beat out Notre Dame for $13 million worth of Madonnas

with the Marx Brothers romping through the house.

Smoke damage in an apartment on Houston Street.

Apartment A. Sam Steinberg.

Right behind Steinberg's Delicatessen.

I do not put people on, McGruder.

Right. Sam Steinberg.

What's the difference who he is? It's who I am.

I'm paying you and I want that apartment finished by six o'clock tonight!

Goodbye, McGruder.

Mmm. That's delicious orange juice.

Oh, thank you, Sam.

We have it flown up from our orchards in Florida.

You could've fooled me. It tastes as good as frozen.

- Hey, everybody! Ha-ha! - Good morning.

You are looking at the bearer of glad tidings.

Folks, your troubles are over.

What troubles?

You got some place here, Walt.

And that library... A whole room at home just for reading.

Yeah. You got more books in your bathroom than we got in our whole apartment.

That electric buffer for shining shoes. That's somethin'.

That's for shining shoes?

I was using it to dry my feet.

Oh, I'm just so glad that you're all making yourselves comfortable.

Amy, I was about to tell the gentlemen the good news.

Now, I just spoke to, uh...

Good Lord, what was that?

Oh, S-Sophie is, uh, doing her exercises in the library.

A gazelle you didn't marry, Sam.

Jack LaLanne had me crazy with his jumping up and down.

Well, now that the family's all together, I can tell you the good news.

- Breakfast. - Amy, that's not the good news.

Hey, this is better than a weekend in the Catskills.

Sam, remember that vacation

you've been promising me for the last six years?

Forget it. This is it.

- Sophie, how long can we stay here? - Till six o'clock tonight.

I... I mean, that's the good news.

You see, I put my best contractor on the job.

And he has promised me faithfully

that you all will be back in your place by tonight.

Now, how is that for great news?

We're grateful, Walt.

Yes, we're... we're grateful.

As for me, I want you to know...

I have never enjoyed inconvenience so much in my whole life.

[Bernie] I don't believe this.

Doing a facelift on an apartment in one day?

That's a long shot.

[Bridget] Now, don't underestimate my father's influence.

When he pulls strings,

every construction boss and store manager in town does knee jerks.

[Bernie] Uh-huh. I see.

Not to mention the tycoon's daughter.

[Bridget] And the tycoon's son-in-law.

[Bernie groans] Leave me alone.

What are we doing here?

[Bridget] What, you've never bought rugs and draperies before?

[Bernie] Yeah. But you know us. The Steinbergs.

We never bought them retail before.

Oh, it's coming along fine, Bridget.

Oh, not really, Daddy. Uh...

Mother Steinberg's having a hard time picking out a wallpaper.

Now, Sophie, you're not handing down a Supreme Court decision, you know.

How about this one, Mother Steinberg?

[Walter] Well, that's beautiful. Take it.

Oh, that feels fuzzy.

Oh, now this one I like. Now that's a wallpaper.

Now, that's the exact same wallpaper they're steaming off in this room.

Well, now, how do you like that?

It just goes to show you, good taste never changes.

[Walter] By six o'clock, men!

That's the way. Keep moving.

You have got an hour and a half, McGruder.

I don't care what those other men are building in Rockefeller Center.

You get them down to that delicatessen on Houston Street.

Ten minutes to six. We're almost home.

I mean, you're almost home.

Sophie, Sam, Bernie'll be here any minute!

Uh, Walt, ain't this a new picture?

Uh, yes, I have it on loan from the museum for a couple of days.

- It's Spanish. It's a Goya. - What else?

And this one. That's a real beauty too.

Oh, thank you very much. That's an El Greco.

Also a goy, right?

[Walter] Sophie, Sam... Ooh!

Hey, you all set?

Yes. Just waiting for you and your trusty cab.

Okay. Let's move it out.

- Move it out. - Let's move it out.

After six, it's a tow-away zone. And it's six o'clock right now.

Come on, Sophie. Say goodbye to Shangri-la.

Oh, you got a regular health spa here. How can I ever thank you, Amy?

You can thank me by coming back, Sophie.

I want you to consider this your second home.

- Anytime... - Amy, Amy, Amy, the cab's waiting outside.

- Goodbye, Amy, Walt. - Bye, Sam.

My only regret is I can't stay for just one more shower.

- Oh... - Goodbye.

- Goodbye. - Bye, Moe.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye, Moe.

Okay, get out the good Wedgwood china, the good silver,

and get that bottle of horseradish off the table.

[Amy] Walt, I kind of hate to see them go.

With Ross due any minute? Already they've been here too long.

Oh, good Lord. I'm beginning to talk like them.

Oh, here he comes.

Can you believe that kind of luck? Did you say a prayer or something?

No.

Oh, maybe it was that mezuzah that Moe nailed to the front door.

Ooh!

- Okay. - Wait, Bernie, don't turn on the lights.

I'm afraid what it's gonna look like.

Afraid? What's to be afraid?

You bought the same drapes, the same wallpaper, the same rug.

It's gonna look the same except 20 years newer.

- Okay, scaredy-cat? - Throw the switch.

An interesting Lamberetti, but not a great Lamberetti.

You should've seen the one the Pope showed me.

It was in his private quarters at the Vatican for 400 years.

Oh, my goodness, that's a long time.

He must be very attached to it.

Tomorrow I'll, uh, drive you down to the museum,

and you can see where your collection will hang.

At my suggestion, the board of directors has decided to call it

the Franklin Ross Room.

Room?

I had in mind at least the new Franklin Ross Wing.

Remember, the fightin' Irish are fightin' for this collection too.

Wing? Uh, well, we hadn't discussed that.

I suggest you do.

Hi.

- [Amy] Oh, hello, darling. - Hi, Dad.

We just happen to have our own fighting Irish here, Mr. Ross.

This is my son, Mike. He's joining us for dinner.

How do you do, sir? I've heard a great deal about you

and the famous Ross Collection.

A pleasure to meet you, Father.

Your dad's been showing me some of his collection.

Very impressive.

Oh, yes. Um...

Haven't I seen this one someplace before, Dad?

Uh, yes. Probably in the library.

Uh-huh. Well, it's beautiful. If you ask me, it belongs in a museum.

Right. Right.

Like father, like son.

The old feeling for art runs through the entire family.

And the old feeling for religion too, eh, son?

Well, let's just say we have it most of the time, don't we, Dad?

How about another round of dry sherry?

How are we doing, Walt?

Fine. if you didn't have such a sanctimonious son.

And when the aged man lost his sight, for the first time, he could truly see.

Because finally, he could see with his heart.

For what good are eyes if, uh, they cannot see within oneself?

- That... that was lovely, dear. - Yeah.

Was that from the Old or the New Testament, Father?

Thank you, Mr. Ross, for the compliment, but, uh, actually it comes from a story

that my father used to read to me as a boy.

You have a very fine son, Walt.

I must say, I'm more impressed than with your collection.

Thank you, Franklin.

So far, the evening's been very enlightening.

- Excuse me, madam. - Oh, yes, Charles?

The, um, Steinbergs have returned.

- [Amy] Oh! - Steinbergs?

Must be the W. Steinberg Hamptons from Hyannis.

They probably want to borrow a compass or something for their yacht.

Shall I ask them to come back later, sir?

Charles, tell them...

- Dad. - To come on in.

Yes, sir.

Friends of yours, Walt?

No. More or less relatives, really.

[Mike] Hello.

Mr. Ross, I would like to have you meet my daughter, Bridget,

and her husband, Bernard Steinberg.

- How do you do, sir? - How do you do?

And Sam and Sophie and Uncle Moe, the rest of the in-laws. Mr. Ross.

- How are you? - We didn't mean to interrupt, Walt.

- Another accident. - Yeah, well, your all-star crew

took care of everything but the bad wiring.

Honest, Walt, if we knew that you were gonna have company for dinner,

we wouldn't have come. Hearty appetite.

Oh, now, come on, that's nonsense! Now, look, you're all here.

You probably haven't had dinner so you're gonna stay.

Well, if Mr. Ross doesn't mind.

I certainly do mind.

I mind, Sam, because you don't recognize me.

Ross?

Try Rosenberg.

Frank! Frank!

Moe, you remember, in high school!

They were the football stars!

Together again! The Hebrew Horsemen.

Franklin Rosenberg.

You played football next to Sam, side by side!

Commerce High School. I was their pompon girl.

♪ Gimme a C, gimme an O Gimme an M, M, Commerce ♪

Oh, I always cry at reunions.

Well, I think you can laugh at this one, Amy.

It looks as though we've mezuzah'd ourselves

into $13 million worth of Madonnas.

[Walter] Right on, Frank. One o'clock sharp, my office.

Fine! Fine!

Well, Frank and I are having lunch together tomorrow.

The, uh, Madonnas are in the bag, huh?

Well, I have a little confession.

I almost didn't have the bag or the Madonnas.

Uh-huh. Mr. Ross nailed you on your museum collection, huh, Dad?

He knew them right down to the room and catalog number.

Oh, he really had me pegged.

Well, he couldn't really fault you on your Steinberg Collection, could he?

Good news. I've fixed it with the electrician.

Our wiring'll be like new.

Sam, what's the rush? You're family.

And after what you did for me with Ross, well, what's an extra night?

I want you to think of this as your home in any emergency.

[Sam] I'm glad you said that, Walt,

'cause the electrician says with all the extra tearing up,

it'll take at least two more weeks.