Original subtitles

Ma, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ma.

- Ma, I'm sorry. - I knew you'd forget.

- Good morning, good morning. - For your supper, honey.

Honest, Father Steinberg, we... we remembered.

Yeah, as soon as the bell rang.

So another victory for the Steinberg wake-up service.

Come on, already. We're late.

Okay, Sleeping Beauty, listen with both ears.

Leaving the deli in your hands is a big responsibility.

Dad, I know. You don't have anything to worry about.

For 23 years, that delicatessen made a nice living

for your mother and me and Uncle Moe--

[Moe] With us or without us, the bus to Larchmont

is leaving for the wedding in 30 minutes.

[Sam] Wait a minute!

With these keys, I entrust to you our faith,

our livelihood and our good name.

Kind of gets you, don't it? Right here.

The captain turning over the command to his son.

Will you get out of here?

Pop, don't worry about a thing. The deli will be fine.

- Have a good time. Goodbye. - You too.

Fantastic. That's terrific!

Hey, Otis, he's got a terrific shot at a commercial.

When's the interview? Uh...

Well, look, I can't. No, I...

I can't leave the deli right now. No...

How much money?

Uh, drop the cab off. I'll finish your shift.

No, no, no, no, no. Now, don't worry about it.

I'll figure something else out, okay? All right. Bye-bye.

What an incredible opportunity he's got. But what are we gonna do?

If somebody doesn't finish that shift, we're both gonna be fired.

I can help.

Yeah, you can help.

You're a sweetheart, but you don't have a chauffeur's license.

No, I meant I can stay at the deli.

Come on now. This is no time for jokes.

Oh, uh, Bernie, look, I... I've eaten at the deli

and I've watched your parents fix and serve the food...

- I mean, I've watched it a lot. - Yeah? So?

So stop acting like I don't know a boiled potato from a matzo...

Matzo... matzo ball.

What? Listen, you think...

All right, come on.

- Gonna give me a chance, coach? - I got a choice?

Yeah, that's good.

Okay, now the soups.

Okay. Borscht, matzo ball, Kasha, kreplach.

- Babe, "kre," kreplach. - "Kre," kreplach.

There's Otis. Okay, now, remember,

fish goes on the left, knishes on the right.

- I've got it. Those are the kishkes... - No, no. Hey.

Don't try to pronounce 'em. Just sell 'em, all right?

Honey, will you relax? Everything's going to be fine.

Mmm.

Oh, okay. Bye-bye, sweetheart.

[Bernie] Mmm.

Listen, uh, you don't suppose that maybe, uh...?

Never mind. With that face, it's not gonna make any difference.

Bye-bye.

Thank you.

- Uh, miss... - Uh, just a second.

Okay, now, this was the knockwurst with sour cream

and the blintz with onion.

- Oh. Vice versa. - Uh, miss?

Oh, sorry. Excuse me.

Here you go. Corned beef. Uh, $1 .75.

- Here you go. - Uh, miss...

Um, sir, you will... you will have to take a number.

For one lousy pickle, I gotta take numbers.

Uh, Steinberg's Deli. Oh, Mom.

Look, Bridget, I tried your apartment, but you weren't there.

Listen, why don't you join your father and me for lunch at 21?

Oh, I... I'd love to, Mom, but I'm all booked up for lunch.

You know, I'm still waiting for one lousy pickle.

What was that, dear? Who wants a lousy pickle?

I gotta go, Mom. I'm beginning to go crazy here. Bye-bye.

Bridget?

Here you go.

- I'll take your order in just a second. - Just a...

Honey, if the Sisters of Mount Saint Mary's could see you now.

Oh, well, if the archbishop could see you now.

What do you mean? The archbishop sent me down here

to pick up his weekly supply of bagels.

- The Steinbergs are at a wedding-- - Miss, please.

- Oh, okay. - Oh, please, just, just...

Honey, honey, go. Let me handle it.

- Oh, thank you, Michael. - Miss...

- Yes, sir? May I help you? - If I want any help,

I'll go to a church of my choice.

Okay, now, that's on a kaiser roll, right?

- Yeah, right. - Okay. Pastrami.

Thousand Island dressing on pastrami?

- She wouldn't. - She couldn't.

She did.

What have they done to my baby?

It's an emergency, Mother.

If you wanna talk, you're gonna have to take a number.

Take a... Oh.

- Oh, well, can I help? - Oh, well,

that's... that's sweet, but I... I really think I can manage.

Look... Excuse me, please.

In a time of crisis,

a mother's place is at her daughter's side.

No matter where it is.

Now, let me see, what can I...? Oh, I know.

I'll run the cash register. I know how.

I did that at the Sisters of Theresa auction last year.

Well, that's great, Mom, but what I really need you for

- is waiting tables. - Me?

Yeah.

Oh. Well, all right. Um, do you have an apron?

- How about this one? - Oh, thank you, sir.

Uh, Father. Mike?!

Oh, bless your heart.

What are you doing here? Some kind of penance?

No, Mother, I'm just helping out. Just like you're going to.

Oh, bless your heart.

My son.

Well, here goes.

Oh, Mom, your hat.

Oh. Oh.

- Miss. - Uh...

May I help you?

Tell you what I want, cutie.

Glass tea. Cup borscht.

A glass tea.

- A cup borscht. - Making fun from an old man?

Oh, no, sir. Certainly not.

Good.

How about you and me going out a little after...

after you get off from work, huh?

Why, sir, I'm married.

So? Who ain't?

Who... who's been in here? The Mad Bomber?

Who knows from mad? Blonde bombers they got.

Did the other owners sell out?

Here, a tip for your sister and you, cutie.

- Bye. - Thank you.

Miss, I'm from City Hall.

I'm here to inspect the place.

Uh, City Hall. To inspect the place.

Hey, cutie!

Gotta go.

- I want my sauerkraut to go? - Oh, yes, uh...

- Two, two corned beef sandwiches, please. - I'm afraid you'll have to wait your turn.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mother.

- Here you go. - Thank you, baby.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, look, if... if you need anything,

why don't you just look around the place and if you want me,

I'll... I'll be all over the place, okay?

Oh, that sure is beautiful lox.

Yes, it certainly is.

- The corned beef looks nice and lean. - It's going to make a beautiful sandwich.

Excuse... excuse me, miss. Miss.

Bridget!

I didn't recognize you behind... What are you doing?

- I'm making a corned beef sandwich, Daddy. - Oh.

Well, your mother said that you might join us at lunch at 21

and Charles said...

Why are you making a corned beef sandwich?

Well, the... the Steinbergs are in Larchmont and I'm in charge.

This is what happens to the beautiful people when they intermarry.

Oh, if your mother could see you now.

Excuse me, sir. Two cheese blintzes, please.

Two cheese blintzes, please, from my wife?

Hey!

Where's my corned beef sandwich?

Amy, what is going on? I...

I... I can't talk to you now, Walt.

I got a pickled herring coming.

- Amy, Amy... - Look, Walt, if you wanna help,

would you please give that man his pickled herring?

I didn't come down here to give that man his pickled herring!

Could you give me that pickled herring anyway?

Okay, just see if you get a tip.

- [Walter] I gotta talk to you! - [Amy] Corned beef.

- Amy, I wanna talk to you also. - [Mike] Relax, Dad.

Mike, you keep out of this. Mike? You keep out of this?

What are you all doing down here? Missionary work?

- Where's my corned beef sandwich? - [Walter] Amy, did you hear me?

Take a number, dear. I'll be with you as soon as I can.

You'll be with me this minute! We are going home!

Please, not till she gives me my corned beef sandwich.

Walt, dear, do you mind?

Would you just go play with your stocks and bonds?

We're trying to do business here.

- Corned beef. - Beautiful.

Amy, you can't... As for you...

Pick up.

Well...

- Here you are. - What's that?

This is your rating for the year, toots.

Here, you can put this classy "A" in your scrapbook.

And with conditions like this, you can live with a "C" rating.

Uh, oh, I... I wasn't ready for an inspection.

If you'll just tell me what's wrong, I'll fix it.

Little lady, the fixing has to be done before I inspect.

Now, excuse me, I... I have to go.

Uh, wait a minute. Now, there must be something that we--

Nothing, Father. Unless maybe give this place the last rites.

What am I gonna do?

This is the first chance I've had to help the Steinbergs

and I've ruined them.

Oy... vey.

I've never heard you say that before.

Yeah, well...

when I see a "C" rating in my mother and father's deli,

I revert to type.

They've had a "C" rating before?

Never. Always an "A."

Oy vey.

This is incredible.

Bridget, how could you let this happen?

I was only gone a couple of hours.

I don't know.

The... the customers just started pouring in and they didn't stop.

And I... I was trying, but I guess I just couldn't--

Oh, babe, babe, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Sweetheart, it's my fault.

I shouldn't have left you here by yourself.

Come on.

Are your parents gonna be very angry?

Angry?

Nah. My parents never get angry.

Furious, maybe, with a little screaming and shouting,

but angry?

No.

Oh, honestly, Walt, I really enjoyed myself.

I'm glad you enjoyed seeing your husband have a nervous breakdown.

Amy, did any of our friends see you there?

Oh, Walt, don't be silly.

And look, look, $4.87 in tips.

Do you know, that's the first honest money I've made since I married you.

There must be a better way of putting that.

And you know what else, Walt? I got propositioned.

Propositioned?

He was just one of their cute little old men. Over 70.

- Over 70? - Mmm.

Maybe that's why they never drink.

Oh, honestly, Bridget and I were doing so well.

You really... You would've been proud of us.

If only that nasty old inspector hadn't come along and spoiled everything.

- What inspector? - One from City Hall.

Here we were with dishes and pots and pans and everything just all piled up,

and that's when he walked in and gave the place a "C" rating.

Aha! And they are bound to blame you and Bridget.

Oh, yes, from now on, when they don't do as much business as the Automat,

the Fitzgerald name will catch it in two languages.

Honestly, Bridget just felt awful.

Come on, Amy! Maybe I can help you with that rating.

- Come on, let's go. Pick up your tips! - Oh!

- Oh, was she not ever gorgeous? - Yeah.

In my whole life, there'll never be another wedding like that.

How could there be? You took the whole thing with you.

Hello? Uh, hi, Father Steinberg. How was the wedding?

Bernie.

Have you been to the deli since you've been back?

No, we came straight to the apartment. Why?

Uh, just... just a minute. Here's Bernie.

- Hey, Dad, how was the wedding? - It was a wedding.

What's wrong in the store?

What makes you think, uh, anything's wrong in the store?

I was blessed with radar. Now, what happened and how bad is it?

Look, it's, uh... it's not bad. Now, Dad, don't get excited.

Until you said that, I wasn't gonna get excited.

Look, it's nothing really. I'd, uh...

I'd just rather not tell you about it over the phone.

All right. What's wrong with my store?

Well, uh, why don't I begin at the beginning?

The writer. He's gotta start with chapter one.

What happened already?

Okay.

Otis, uh, had an audition for a commercial,

and I had to leave the store for a few hours to drive the cab.

Dad, I would've been fired.

So he closed up the store for a while. A worse thing could happen.

Yeah, well, that's not exactly it, Uncle Moe.

You see, the thing is...

Bridget took over the store.

- It happened. - He's a genius.

My son is a genius.

How could you expect one little girl with no experience

to handle the lunch business all by herself?

Well, I wasn't exactly alone, Father Steinberg.

Uh, my mother came to help.

- Oy... - Vey.

So we lost maybe a few customers. It could be worse.

Well...

something else did happen.

Bernie, I admit you're a good writer, the suspense is killing me.

What's the end of the story already?

- Ooh, let me get that. Excuse me. - Uh...

- [Amy] Oh, Bernie. - [Walter] Hello, Bernie.

- Hello, Bridget. - Mom?

Hello, everyone. We just came by to say that we're sorry about what happened.

Yes, but you mustn't worry about anything

because Walt's gonna take care of everything.

Another mystery writer.

What's... what happened that Walt's gonna take care of everything?

Oh, just leave it to me, Sam.

A word to my friend downtown

and we will put the pressure on that inspector.

What inspector?

The one who put the "C" sticker in your window case.

No, no, no, no, no.

Sha, sha, it's okay. It could be worse.

No, it couldn't.

It takes years to build up a business,

and in a few hours, strangers come in and wipe it all out for you.

It won't do any good to point fingers.

Who's pointing fingers?

I didn't say who the strangers were.

Sam's right.

He and I know that in business you can't cry over your problems,

- you've gotta solve them. - True.

And no one's to blame here.

I mean, in the first place, it must be an impossible task

to keep that deli clean

with all those salamis hanging in the window and all that greasy fish.

The spoilage must be terrific.

What spoilage? What greasy fish?

For 23 years, I got no trouble keeping an "A" on my window case

until strangers come into my store.

And listen, while we're not finding fault with anyone,

let's get one thing straight.

It's your fault.

My fault?

Sure. It's your wife and your daughter, your whole family.

Hold it, fellas.

Let's put it on the low burner.

I wanna ask Bridget something.

Bridget, this inspector, what did he look like?

Short and bald.

With a lot of teeth and a sour face?

Yes.

Nothing to worry about. It was Parfel.

- You know him? - Do I know him?

He usually comes when you're on vacation. He came a little early this year.

It wasn't your fault, ketzeleh.

You just didn't know how to play the game, that's all.

What game? What are you talking about?

Well, he likes to nosh, you know, nibble a little bit when he inspects.

So I leave a slice of corned beef here,

a piece of lox there,

and he makes it all gone.

- You're right. I didn't let him do that. - Yeah.

Also, when I see Parfel coming,

I quick wrap up a few pound salamis and bagels,

and I tell him it's samples.

Oh, I get it. The old schmear.

I didn't know you spoke Yiddish.

Is that Yiddish? I always thought it was a business term.

I've been schmearing for years.

Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that this guy,

what's his name, Parfel, put Bridget through all this nonsense

- because she wouldn't lay a bribe on him? - Oh, I wouldn't call it a bribe, Bernie.

That's the way business is done.

Maybe your business,

but we're not doing business that way anymore.

"We"?

Look, Dad,

why don't we, once and for all, put an end to all this bribery and payola?

We'll call Parfel in the morning, we'll ask him for another inspection.

Only this time, we'll be ready.

And no schmearing.

No schmearing? Oh, I'd advise against that.

Bernie is right, Daddy.

Dad, if we can't get an honest inspection, we'll write every newspaper in the city.

[Sam] Do you hear that, Sophie?

Isn't it wonderful?

Our son is finally coming into the business

just in time to force us out of it.

Which one of you is Bernard Steinberg?

Right here. I'm the one that called.

Parfel. From City Hall.

Are you ready for your inspection?

Yes.

I'll have that large fresh salami in the window.

And some of that delicious "grisles" fish.

And, yes, Walt, let's have breakfast here, shall we?

I understand the food is just marvelous.

[Walter] Mmm.

Don't worry, Sam. I put a packaged pastrami in Parfel's briefcase.

I, uh, think you misplaced this.

Yeah.

Well, it was a "C" yesterday,

but today, it's an "A."

Here you are, young lady.

You know, you really were awfully busy yesterday.

I guess I should've come today anyway.

- Thank you, Mr. Parfel. - You're welcome.

- Well, uh, goodbye. - Bye-bye.

- Yes. - [Bernie] Oh.

[Bridget] Oh, Mom!

You see? No payoffs, no schmears, and we got the "A" rating back.

Well, he made a believer out of me. I only wish it worked on my level.

Try it.

Come on.

- [Walter] So long! - Thanks, everyone.

- Thanks very much. - [Walter] See you soon, Sam.

I'm gonna take this beautiful "A" and put it right where it belongs.

Mr. Parfel's coming back.

Is he smiling?

Funny thing.

I found two tickets in an envelope in my pocket.

Well, such a lucky man.

You'll love No, No, Nanette.

Under these conditions, never.

On the very same night, I'm seeing Jesus Christ Superstar.

You gotta hand it to Hymie's Bakery.

They keep current.

Well, all things considered,

I think everything's worked out pretty well.

Mm. Peace and the "A" rating restored.

Don't forget the good name of the Fitzgeralds.

- That was restored too. - Ah.

And it... it didn't take much. A little honesty.

Yeah, well, not to mention a lot of polishing and scrubbing

by two sets of families.

Well, now, wait a minute. I'd like to think

that the candles I lit yesterday were of some help.

Well, as my Uncle Moe would say:

"It couldn't hurt."