Original subtitles

Mail call.

Through sleet and snow and storm of night,

the self-appointed--

It's Bernie's play. Can I open it?

Yeah, sure. Why not? They obviously hated it.

For that, the mailman could've got lost in the storm.

What's all the excitement?

That's Bernie's play. He thinks they've turned him down.

Would they turn down Hemingway?

Sholem Aleichem?

How do you know they turned it down?

If they return the play to you,

I think they're trying to tell you something.

Ah, what do these producers know about plays, anyway?

All they know is sex, nudity, and violence.

Don't knock it unless you tried it.

Listen, if I want sex, nudity, and violence,

all I do is walk down the street.

What is the play about, Bernie?

Uh, it's about a young boy growing up in Alaska.

- Alaska? - It's a beautiful and sensitive story.

Nome, Alaska.

What do you know about the Eskimos?

What do I...

What did Lyman Baum know about going over rainbows

when he wrote The Wizard of Oz?

Lyman Baum wrote that?

I thought it was Judy Garland.

Bernie, I think I see their point.

You see, when I was getting my teaching credentials,

- I took a course in writing too. - Yeah?

Well, they told us that the best writing comes from what the writer knows

from his own experience.

Babe, I'm Jewish. I was born in the Bronx.

I was raised in New York. My parents run a delicatessen.

I drive a taxicab while I'm... trying to be a playwright.

Now, do you have any idea how many writers have that background?

- No. - All of them.

- Ah, good morning, all! - Greetings.

Sam, Sophie, children.

Aha. Mr. Uptown.

Have you had breakfast yet, Mr. Fitzgerald?

No, not yet.

Would you care for some bagel and lox?

On an empty stomach?

How else do you eat breakfast?

On a tray carried by his butler.

Here, these are for you, dear.

And your mother wants me to invite you kids

over the house for dinner Wednesday night.

Go, Bernie. It's something to look forward to.

Take your mind off of Nome, Alaska.

Nome, Alaska?

That's where Bernie's play takes place,

the one that no one wants.

No wonder.

What do you know about Nome, Alaska?

- Daddy. - Tell that to Lyman Baum.

- Who? - You think he went over the rainbow?

- Hi, people. - Otis.

- Hi. - Cab is yours, brother.

- Right. - Say, Otis,

as a would-be actor,

how would you feel about appearing in a play about Eskimos?

Daddy!

You got the play back, huh?

Yeah.

Say, uh, Bernie, there's something I've been wanting to tell you.

- Maybe you should-- - All right.

Now, look, you don't have to commit a murder

in order to write about one.

All you have to do is to feel like committing a murder,

which is a feeling I've had most of the morning.

As a matter of fact, it's a feeling I'm having right now.

And let me tell you something else.

Shakespeare never met a king in his life.

Now, what were you gonna say?

That you should check the radiator. It's leaking.

Bernie was always very sensitive.

[Bridget] New play seems to be coming along easily, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Well, aren't you gonna tell me what it's about?

- Uh-uh. - Well, when can I read it?

When it's finished.

[Bernie] Be any day now.

Well, is it all right if I ask you just one question?

[Bernie] Mm-hmm, sure.

- If I can ask you one first. - Shoot.

How much have you read?

Before or now?

Both times.

All of it. All right, I have no sense of ethics.

Yeah, but the play, the play. What did you think of it?

Well, I can't tell yet, but you certainly captured my father.

You're kidding. You recognized him?

Well, darling, changing Fitzgerald to Farrell

isn't exactly a foolproof disguise.

Hey, that's terrific.

You didn't do a bad job on your parents either.

Yeah, well, you know,

I'm a little closer to the delicatessen than I am to Nome, Alaska.

Mm, what'd you think of the title?

Everybody Has One. Has one what?

A family. What did you think?

Well, never mind. I have a dirty mind.

Yeah, I know. It makes up for your lack of ethics.

Let's make a toast to your new play.

Lehayim.

- It's open. - Where's Bernie?

Oh, he's out getting a celebration haircut.

- He finished his play last night. - Beautiful timing.

See, look, I picked up a fare today, young guy, wants to be a producer.

He's already done a couple of productions.

Off-Broadway?

Well, sort of off-off-Broadway.

Anyway, I mentioned Bernie and his plays,

and this producer says he'd like to read some of his stuff.

How do we get in touch with him?

He's being held prisoner in a Jewish delicatessen... downstairs.

Oh, Otis!

I just happen to have a play by Bernard Steinberg.

Hope there's a part in it for me.

There's a part in it that is you. In fact, it's all of us.

It's Bernie, me, his family, my family, and you.

Hey, I thought Bernie didn't wanna write about sex and violence.

- Come on. - Hey, is it any good?

Do you want an unbiased, cold, professional opinion?

Of course not.

It's the best play I've ever read.

You know what I like about you, Mrs. Steinberg?

- What? - You're totally prejudiced.

- I'll meet you downstairs. - Okay.

So...

What is your, uh, new play about, Bernie?

Oh, uh, just some people I know.

Well, I'm glad you took my advice.

Plays about Jewish people do very well.

That's true. I mean, uh,

just look at Jesus Christ Superstar.

Right.

Well, anyway, I'm sure that Bernie knows other people too, Walt.

I mean, after all, he's a cabdriver.

Oh, Bernie, maybe we can help you get your play produced.

Walt, who was that nice man that we met

who dabbles in the theater who has his own alley?

- Shubert. - That's right. Charming.

I believe he's one of your fellows too.

What has that got to do with anything, Daddy?

Doesn't hurt.

Yeah. Oh, it's all right, Charles, I have it.

Walter Fitzgerald speaking.

Oh, hello, Otis.

Uh, yes. Yes, yes, he's right here.

Uh, Bernie, it's for you.

- Thanks. - Now he has my unlisted number.

Now, I don't mind him having it,

but it's the rest of Harlem I'm worried about.

Hey, babe. How are you? What's up?

That's...

No, that's... ...that's great.

Yeah.

Right. Okay. Okay. I got it.

Uh-huh. Thanks very much.

- I was right? - You were wrong...

to let somebody read it without telling me.

But you were right. The producer loved it.

Oh, that's wonderful!

He said it had a quaint, old-fashioned charm.

He wants to see me in the morning.

Does that mean he's going to produce it?

I... guess so.

Oh, that's wonderful, Bernie!

Oh, and I saw this dress today at Bendel's that'll be just perfect for the opening.

Well, uh, I don't think it's gonna be that kind of production, Mrs. Fitzgerald.

It's gonna be off-Broadway.

Way off-Broadway.

Uh, besides, I don't think you'll like this play.

Why not? We enjoyed Fiddler on the Roof.

Well, this isn't exactly Fiddler on the Roof.

Right, right.

You see, it's gonna be, uh, oh, kind of a small,

unglamorous, uh, kind of a workshop production.

You know, in an uncomfortable, rat-filled theater

in a crime-infested area.

I know, Bernie, dear, but you deserve it.

The thing that I don't understand is why Bernie won't read it to us.

What's the play about, anyway?

Well, it's kind of hard to describe.

It is written from his own personal experience, though.

It's not another Portnoy's Ailment, is it?

No, nothing like that.

I should hope not.

If I were that Portnoy's mother,

I would have washed his typewriter out with soap.

Hey, is there someone here

who's supposed to spend my Sunday off with me?

Oh, hello, sweetheart.

I'll be with you in a moment.

Thanks. You'll make a dressmaker out of me yet.

How's the play going, Bernie?

I don't think it's going at all.

The producer's having trouble finding a theater.

Ah, those real-estate men.

What do they know about art?

No, it's not the play, Uncle Moe.

Things are tough all over.

So how come you're looking so cheerful?

Well, I thought maybe now

you'd take my bar mitzvah picture out of the window.

Hey, come on, hurry up.

[Bernie] It's no big thing, babe.

I mean, when I wrote it, I didn't really expect it to be produced.

- So in a way, I'm kind of relieved. - [Bridget] Relieved?

[Bernie] Yeah. I kind of like living over the delicatessen.

[Bridget] I'm confused.

[Bernie] Remember what happened to Thomas Wolfe

when he wrote about his family?

- [Bridget] He couldn't go home again? - [Bernie] Right.

Besides, I really wasn't looking forward to being run over

by your father's German car.

[Bridget] You toad.

Walt, I don't know if I came here to talk to you as a patron of the arts

or as a businessman interested in making a small profit in the theater.

Try the second.

Moe, do you take tea in a cup or in a glass?

You drink tea in a glass?

Oh, no. No, we just thought, um,

well, that it might be part of your heritage.

Eating over a sink was part of my heritage too,

but I've learned to adapt.

Oh, what a shame.

Look, Moe, I'm sorry, but I invest in things I understand,

and I just can't relate to the theater.

But you already are related.

- By marriage. - Oh, you mean Bernie's play.

Exactly.

If they don't get a theater, Bernie's play won't go on.

Oh, Walt, that's terrible.

Oh, dear, couldn't we buy him one?

You already got one.

I got this girl, Shirley,

she lives on Twelfth Street near Third Avenue.

- Well, you happen to own the building. - Oh, that's just a tax dodge.

Walt, while you're busy dodging,

Bernie's play could be in the theater on the ground floor.

Oh, could he, Walt?

Well, it's empty now, Amy.

But Bernie won't take anything from us free.

- He never has yet. - No?

Taking your daughter was a pretty good start.

Besides, he need never know about it. That's the beauty of it.

What's beautiful about giving a gift that nobody knows about?

Oh, please, Walt.

I mean, after all, it's for our very own son-in-law

and our daughter.

Well, I'll... I'll see what I can do.

If you promise not to call me a softy.

Oh, thank you, Walt!

Oh, I've always wanted to be in show business!

Well, it's gonna take some finagling to keep it a secret, though.

Walt, you're talking to an old finagler.

Then it's all settled.

I still wish I knew more about the play.

The title, for instance. Everybody Has One. I mean, it...

Well, it sounds salacious.

Has one what?

Well, that's the fun of it, Walt.

We'll all find out together.

- Hi. - Hi.

What's wrong?

Well, the weirdest thing has happened.

I mean, uh...

somehow the producer found a theater.

It's on Twelfth Street and Third Avenue.

And the play goes into rehearsal tomorrow,

and it opens in three and a half weeks.

- Oh, sweetheart, that's terrific. - Yeah.

Well, if that's the way you're gonna react to good news,

I don't wanna be around when you win the Pulitzer Prize.

It's the families, Bridge.

I'm a little worried about hurting them.

Well, you didn't write anything cruel or malicious about them.

No. Just embarrassing.

Well, the characters aren't them.

They're just based on them. Most of the play is pure invention.

My father never kept a mistress for 15 years.

All right, you know that, and I know that, and he knows that.

But does he know I know it?

And... how about my family, for instance?

Well, maybe they don't have to see the play.

Yeah. Can you think of any way to stop 'em?

I mean, short of kidnapping?

Mm, look, why don't we just tell them the truth?

I mean, tell them what you told me, that we don't want to hurt them.

- Mm-hmm. - Honesty really is the best policy.

Uh-huh. Babe, you know my parents pretty well by now, don't you?

Okay, so we lie.

What I'm trying to say is that, uh,

I'm gonna be under a terrific strain.

I mean, uh,

this is gonna be a very tense experience for me, you know?

Of course.

It's like the first time I made a chopped-liver swan mold in public.

You see, I'd rather not have Bernie worry about your reactions

on top of everything else.

So maybe it would be better if you didn't come.

Do you understand?

Oh, of course, dear.

Well, I guess that's show business.

Hello, Amy. This is Sophie.

Oh, hello, Sophie.

Did Bridget talk to you about staying away from Bernie's play next week?

Oh, yes, she did.

And, you know, I understand his feelings completely.

Me too.

So, what are you going to wear to the opening?

- Hi, darling. I brought you some coffee. - Hey, babes. Thank you.

How are you feeling?

Not bad.

I've managed to lick the clammy palms, and the hyperventilation, dizzy spells.

Ooh, I'm working on the stomach cramps. That stuff is lethal.

Relax, honey. The dress rehearsal was fantastic.

- Help. - What is it?

I don't believe it.

They're here. Our families are here.

My students were right.

You can't trust anybody over 30.

What are we gonna do?

Take a long walk.

Where to?

I don't know. Nome, Alaska?

Amazing. My first play.

It's tough enough worrying about the critics.

I never expected to be more worried about what my parents were gonna say.

What can they do to us?

Have they outlawed public flogging?

Here comes the posse, and they're unarmed.

Well, I got one thing to say to you, Bernie Steinberg, my son.

- You got a lot of chutzpah. - Why, uh...

Why do you say that, Dad?

You went into show business, you wrote a play,

you got it produced...

and you didn't change your name.

I'm proud of you.

- Papa. - [Bridget] You liked it?

- Sure. - What's not to like in a work of art?

It was true to life, and I heard every word.

So when a son becomes a genius, he doesn't hug his mama anymore?

Ma.

Hey, you certainly got them Fitzgeralds down perfect.

Well, it's not exactly my family.

You could've fooled me.

You know, you got a pretty funny family, Bridget.

Every time your mother came out with one of her goofy remarks...

...I fell on the floor.

Well, come on.

I went backstage and asked everybody to a party,

so we all wait up for the reviews together.

Listen, is the critic from The New York Times Jewish?

- It's... it wouldn't help, Ma. - Wouldn't hurt.

I don't think he covers a small production like this.

They sent their substitute critic, uh, Marvin Walkerstein, I think.

Oh, then it's gonna be a smash.

Come on. We better get home before the Fitzgeralds.

Oh, hey, where are my parents?

With their limousine, probably halfway downtown by now.

- Come on, Sophie. - See you later.

Hey, Dad, um,

what did you think of the other people?

You know, the Jewish family.

Mm, they were all right.

But those Fitzgeralds, they were gems.

Come on, playwright. I'll take you and your lady friend home.

- Be right with you. - Okay.

Incredible.

They didn't even recognize themselves.

Well, that's one down and one to go.

Yeah.

I'll kill him.

That's what I'll do. I'll kill him.

Well, I quite liked it.

You know, I especially liked that rather vague woman

who played the wealthy socialite.

You know, I have known so many women exactly like her.

That was you.

Oh, Walt.

Really?

Well, I thought she was charming.

What about her husband?

Did you think he was charming too?

Oh, no, as a matter of fact, I couldn't understand

how such a nice woman could be married to such a man.

But he was funny.

That was me.

Walt, you never told me you had a mistress.

I don't have a mistress.

Well, then, how could it be you?

People will think it's me.

Come on, we're gonna go see Harold O'Reilly.

But, Walt, we promised the Steinbergs we'd go to their after-theater party.

Why are we going to see Mr. O'Reilly?

Because he's my lawyer!

Oh, Sophie, aren't you proud of him?

Honestly, I haven't enjoyed anything so much since The Sound of Music.

Thank you. Did the, uh...

did the play have the same impact on Mr. Fitzgerald?

Oh, more.

Oh, I've never seen anything have such an impact.

Uh, well, where is Daddy now, Mom?

Oh, he's out preparing a lawsuit against Bernie.

You're kidding.

Oh, now, don't you worry about it, dear.

You know your father. He's always so hotheaded.

Oh, it's so silly, really.

I mean, everybody knows Walt's much too stuffy to have a mistress.

"But unfortunately, the play is flawed

because the playwright was obviously unfamiliar

with the mili... milieu?"

[Bernie] Milieu, Dad.

"...milieu and characters he chose to write about.

Do stereotypes like this exist anymore?

I think not.

Mr. Steinberg shows great promise,

and we look forward to better things

when he decides to write a play out of his own experience

rather than his imagination."

I'm glad he didn't come to the party.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

The critics didn't like it when they first heard Beethoven's Ninth.

Oh, but this is Bernie's first.

He said some very nice things too.

A review like this is good for business.

Does that mean Bernie will be rich?

- [Moe] Aw. - No.

It just means the actors might get paid this time.

- You hear that? - Yeah!

Excuse me.

I have just one thing to say.

What's that, Mr. Fitzgerald?

If you sell this play to the movies, I've decided who I want to be me.

Who?

Cary Grant.