Original subtitles

Bernie?

What? I'm helping with the dishes.

A model husband.

What do you want to do tonight?

Um, well, for openers, what's wrong with this?

Funny, your door was locked.

Thanks for telling us, Mother.

You ever get locked out by accident,

all you have to do is lift up, pull left, shove, you're in.

I brought you a cheesecake for dessert.

Thanks, but we just finished dessert.

So use it for a chaser.

Very neat. Like a hospital.

Well, in your refrigerator, you can never find anything.

So, when you look, you eat a little.

[Walter] No to the raffle tickets.

No to the Daughters of Isabella.

No, I am not interested.

Oh, darn! I dropped too many no's in my coffee.

- How about just doing it for me, Walt? - No to you too, Amy.

What am I gonna do?

The stubs are due in tomorrow,

- and they gave me 25 books to sell. - How many do you have left?

Twenty-four and a half.

Well, it hasn't been easy, you know?

All my friends are Daughters of Isabella.

Of course they are. And they all have books to sell.

Twenty-five here, 25 there. Probably 1,000 of them.

Do you have any idea of the impossible odds on our winning?

Well, you could cut the odds way down by buying 24 and a half of mine.

Amy, I have no intention whatsoever of buying any of your books.

All right, all right! Of course I'll buy. Just give me a pencil.

Oh, that won't be necessary, dear. I've already filled them out for you.

Twenty-four and a half books.

You can unfill that one. No half books for me.

But where am I gonna get rid of...?

Oh, I know.

[Bernie] Good night, Mother.

Isn't that rather a futile gesture?

I mean, my mother is never more than a lift, pull and a shove away.

I thought that lock was burglarproof.

Yeah, well, it certainly ain't mother-proof.

Well, then while we have the time to ourselves,

I think we should make the most of it.

Hey. Now, it's not gonna last.

I mean the deli closes at... at 8:00. They're gonna be back up here at 8:01.

Or sooner.

Come on in, Ma. The door's locked.

[Amy] Bridget?

It's my mother. She doesn't know the combination.

- [Bridget] Hi. - Oh, hello, darling.

Oh, Bernie, I'm sorry to barge in on you like this.

[Bernie] Oh, it's quite all right.

I mean, it wouldn't feel like home if someone weren't barging in.

Um, Mom, we were just getting ready to go out.

- Oh. - To a movie.

A mov--

Honestly, what can you find that's fit to see these days?

You know, it was a sad day when Loretta Young stopped making pictures.

Well, actually, I'm out selling raffle tickets

for the Daughters of Isabella.

Sorry, Mom. So was one of the other teachers at school.

Oh.

Hey, uh, do you think the Daughters of Isabella

would take a buck from Bernie Steinberg?

Oh, sure, Bernie. They take money from anyone.

Oh, what I mean, uh...

Well, part... part of the money, you see, is used, um,

to try to convert...

Mother, I think you were ahead when you said anyone.

Well, thank you, Bernie.

- There you go. - Yeah.

And, uh, maybe... maybe... Oh, maybe I'll drop downstairs

and see if your mother wants to take a chance.

Hey, that's a super idea.

Just remember not to mention two words: "anyone" and "convert."

Oh. Oh, no. I won't.

- Good night. - [Amy] Good night. Thank--

Hey, what is it? You really wanna go to a movie?

No. I just thought that if we pretended to go downstairs,

then maybe we could slip up later and have the evening alone.

My mother was right.

You Catholics are very tricky.

Such an unexpected pleasure, Amy.

Thank you. I wanted to talk to you about the Daughters of Isabella.

- Isabella who? - Oh, you know, the queen of Spain.

Oh, her.

Wasn't she the dame who went into hock for Columbus?

- I believe so. - My kind of woman.

- All I'm doing is selling raffle tickets. - Oh, raffle tickets.

The most fabulous prizes.

All-expense trips, color TVs, sterling silver rosaries.

With our luck, you don't have to worry about the first two.

I never bought a raffle ticket in my life.

But they're only 50 cents.

See, I'm a seller here from Hadassah.

Also 50 cents, but such opportunities.

Trips, TVs, imported menorahs.

I didn't know you people were into raffles.

Raffles have been since the beginning of religion,

and on that score, we got a little edge.

Oh, well. if you're not interested...

Who said we're not interested? I said I wouldn't buy.

Maybe a trade.

Oh, you mean like, uh,

one Daughters of Isabella for one Hadassah?

With such prizes, maybe two for one?

- No, I couldn't do that. - Three for two?

Even Stephen, or no deal.

Who am I to give a Catholic lessons at this game?

- Well, uh, we're on our way. - Way? What way?

- We're going out to the movies. - What is there to see?

It was a bad day at Black Rock

when Sylvia Sidney stopped making pictures.

Go, kids. Enjoy yourselves.

Uh, thanks, Uncle Moe.

Listen, Ma, uh, it's a very long movie, so don't wait up. We're gonna be late.

- Very late. - You be careful.

[Bernie] Mm-hmm.

Look, I out traded her. She had to buy one.

Fifty cents. And who pays for all the others?

- Ah, it's in a good cause. - It's a new ring for the Pope.

Mm-hmm. Always the chance we'll win.

- Chance? Something for nothing. - Mm-hmm.

Never.

If it was raining chicken soup, I'd be stuck holding a sieve.

Oh, Sophie, Sophie.

[Bridget] Do you believe tonight, Bernie?

My mother was up once, your father twice and your mother...

[Bernie] Yeah, I know. Four times.

Listen, keep your eye on the fountain.

She's liable to be up any minute in a drip-dry apron.

What...? That was the shortest double feature on record.

Shirley Goldblatt, my nephew Bernie and his wife,

Bridget Fitzgerald Steinberg.

- How do you do? - Hello.

Get yourself a couple of glasses. Sit.

Terrific. We'll drink a toast to privacy.

You know, we're running up an incredible list of failures.

We had the fake movie bit on Tuesday night.

Wednesday was the, what...?

Oh, the upper deck of the Staten Island Ferry.

It was so crowded, you couldn't even breathe.

Yeah. And Thursday the Cloisters that, uh, were not very cloistered.

Listen, what do you think about a trial separation?

- Bernie. - Yeah, you get your own place.

Of course, you'd-- You'd give me visiting privileges.

I mean, it's, uh... It's one way to be alone.

Oh, no, I don't believe it.

You shouldn't leave your place open like that. Anybody could walk in.

Yeah, well, it saves wear and tear on the door, Dad.

- I brought you some fresh bagels. - [Sophie] Sam.

- Bernie. Anybody. - [Sam] What's wrong?

- [Bernie] What is it? What's the matter? - Here. Take it. Take it.

- It's a registered letter. - It's bad news. Bad news!

How do you know it's bad news? Open it.

When was good news ever delivered registered special delivery, hmm?

Will you calm down?

- You're so nervous. - I am calmed down.

I am not nervous.

Ma, Ma. Relax. Relax. It's from the Daughters of Isabella.

You have just won first prize in the raffle.

- Congratulations. That's terrific. - We did it.

Hey, listen, listen, listen.

First prize is an all-expense round trip for two... to Rome.

Raffle tickets.

Raffle tickets.

And more raffle tickets.

Raffle tickets, raffle tickets, raffle tickets!

All sold by you and all bought by me. Right?

There's no point in saving them now, Walt. They're worthless.

I know they're worthless. Hundreds of them.

And once, just once, in all these years, you sold a winner.

And who gets it, huh? Me? Your husband? No.

The Monahans? The Caseys?

- Oh, no. The Steinbergs! - Well, Sophie and I traded tickets,

- so maybe we'll win one of their prizes. - Oh, boy, that'll be great.

A year's membership in the Young Men's Hebrew Association

and all the bagels you can eat.

Well, I don't remember anything about bagels,

but one of the prizes was some kind of smoked salmon.

- Ten glorious days. - And nights.

[Sam] But why Rome?

The supreme highlight of your trip is a specially arranged audience

with the Pope.

You are sending a Jewish couple

to a private audience with The Holy Father.

Well, that's the luck of the draw.

Oh, don't talk to me about the luck of the draw.

Oh, Sophie and Sam in St. Peter's. Hmm, the Sistine Chapel.

Face-to-face with the Supreme Pontiff.

It's a great pleasure, your Extreme Popeness.

From the chosen people, greetings.

An ounce of prevention.

That banquet hall is something else, Pope.

Next time you're thinking of throwing a feed,

maybe you'll give us a call.

Steinberg's Catering.

You know, for a crowd that size, we'll give you a very special price.

If you don't mind my saying it, Your Holiness, you're too thin.

Here, a little of Sophie's chicken soup to make you a happier, healthier Pope.

I'll be ruined. Excommunicated.

What is it?

I think I'm having a religious experience.

Catholic or Jewish?

Um, nondenominational.

Do you realize something? We're part of a miracle.

The... the miraculous raffle ticket.

That's it. We prayed for just one evening alone,

just one, without my parents and voila, they fly off to Rome.

And we have not one night but ten.

Think of all the things we can do.

I'm thinking and thinking.

And, uh, thinking.

Bernie, they haven't gone yet.

So, what's wrong with a little rehearsal?

- Nothing, I guess. - You guess?

Now, Walt, don't do anything rash.

You're the saboteur that planted this bomb.

I'm just trying to defuse it.

Are you calling the Pope?

Why else would I be on one knee?

Of course I'm not calling the Pope! I'm calling the travel agency.

Do you really think we have to leave town?

Oh, hello. Uh, Walt Fitzgerald here.

I want two round-trip tickets to Israel.

Yes, Israel. Tel Aviv.

Uh, no, no. No, no.

Uh, we'll check with you later about the reservations,

but I want you to send those tickets right over to the house, by messenger.

Shalom to you too.

Amy, we--

Amy, what are you doing?

Oh, I just, uh, thought I'd drop a note to Golda Meir since we're going to Israel.

Oh, we're not going to Israel.

- But I just heard you say-- - No, no, Amy.

We're exchanging tickets with the Steinbergs.

Oh, Walt, that's a wonderful idea!

And then when I go over there to give them their tickets to Rome--

Oh, Amy, please, stay out of it. I'll handle it.

We can't patronize them, Amy. They're too proud to accept a gift.

- But, Walt, a fair trade... - Amy. Amy.

No, no.

First, I will just very subtly whet their appetite for a trip to Israel.

And before I'm finished,

you know that they will be making the offer for the switch.

But, Walt, dear, if you just told them--

If I just told them, Amy, they would be insulted.

No. What could I say?

I mean, "We can't have you clomping around the Vatican,

scandalizing The Holy Father.

So, here, take these tickets and deliver your chicken soup to Moshe Dayan."

Oh, no, Amy. I have to finesse it.

It'll take a good businessman to put over a deal like this.

Israel?

- The Fitzgeralds are going to Israel? - [Bernie] That's right.

And the Steinbergs are booked into the Vatican? It's a crazy world.

Listen, Dad, uh, what would you think if when they came over

to deliver the tickets for Rome, well, maybe we could offer a trade.

- Like we did with the raffles? - Yeah.

Bernie, you're a genius.

That way the Fitzgeralds will be happy,

we'll be happy, and the Pope will be happy.

- Wait. Wait. - You don't like the idea?

I love the idea, but, uh,

you can't come right out and ask them.

- Why not? - Well, your parents might be insulted.

They'd think that we were ungrateful, you know, turning our back on the Pope.

[Sophie] But it's nothin' personal.

It has to be handled like a business deal.

Dad, if you just offer them an even trade...

You're telling me how to do business with these people?

The way to work it is,

first I'll whet their appetites for Rome on Sunday.

Then they'll suggest the switch.

On behalf of the Daughters of Isabella,

it makes me very proud and happy to present you with the grand prize.

Two round-trip tickets to Rome,

hotel and sightseeing vouchers,

and your appointment card...

for your private audience with the Pope.

I've been brushing up on my Italian.

Oh, won't the Pope be pleased.

- Sit. You'll have some coffee. - Oh, thank you.

You know, I was never much of a believer in luck until now.

Think of it.

Ten fantastic days in bella Roma.

The infernal City.

Eternal. The Eternal City.

But what can I tell you people about Rome?

Oh, everything. We've never been, you know?

I guess you've heard that Amy and I are all set

for two glorious weeks in the Holy Land?

Also known as Israel.

- Would you believe we've never been? - Really?

I hear that Rome is the most exciting city in the world.

- The Colosseum and all those ruins. - Sure, but in Israel you have a choice.

Now, Tel Aviv is a modern city,

but if you happen to be in the mood for something ruined,

- you go to Jerusalem. - Oh, a city with people.

Now, I ask you, where can you find friendlier,

more warm-hearted people than the Italians of Rome?

The Jews in Israel?

If I hadn't heard it, I wouldn't believe it.

Of course, no matter how exciting the rest of it is,

the big moment is when you're there, actually in Vatican City.

The same kind of excitement that you feel the first time you walk in Zion Square.

Then of course the biggest thrill of all, the whole reason for being there

is when you're with the Pope face-to-face.

Ever since I was an altar boy, I've dreamed about meeting the Pope.

You won't find him in Israel.

Something on your mind?

Yes.

I was thinking about the Israeli kibbutzes.

Those wonderful communities.

Who needs a community

when you got a private audience with the Pope?

I guess feeling the way you do about Rome,

you wouldn't wanna trade places with anybody in the world.

- Would you? - What can I say?

What could anybody say?

I get the feeling it's all been said.

- Well... - Well...

Have a good trip.

- [Sam] Yeah. You too. - Amy.

[Amy] But, Walt...

[Sophie] When we see the Pope, we'll be sure to tell him

we couldn't have made it except for the Fitzgeralds.

Walt, I've never watched you handle a business deal before.

Don't send up any flak, Amy.

I can't help wondering how you managed to make all your millions.

Not by dealing with a Sam Steinberg, that's for sure.

Come on, we're walking.

I wish I'd never seen these tickets.

How am I gonna get rid of them now without looking like a schnook?

I don't want it.

Bernie, Bridget, come down, please! Come on down. Come down!

Last night it was the end of the world. This morning, he's Mr. Sunshine.

I figured out a way so we don't have to go to Rome.

- What? What? What? - [Bernie] What?

What? What's the matter? What's all the excitement?

♪ I have a surprise For you and Bridget ♪

♪ A honeymoon present Ten days in Rome ♪

Uh... You're giving us your tickets?

♪ As soon as I can find them ♪

♪ Sophie, the envelope? ♪

♪ I don't have the envelope ♪

Then who has?

Moe, what a pleasant surprise! Come on in.

Would you like some coffee?

Thanks. But for what I came for, I'm already plenty awake.

- Walt, look who's here. - Morning, Moe.

If you've come for another hot raffle ticket, we're fresh out.

When you mentioned the word "hot," you were getting warm.

Yesterday, I was the party of the third part to a conversation

where I found out that you can't wait to go to Israel

and Sam is crazy to get to Rome.

Moe, if you came all the way uptown to tell me that, you wasted carfare.

Now if you'll excuse me.

Sure, why should you worry that Sam shouldn't go?

Sam shouldn't go?

No, no, it's no concern of yours that he has gout, water on the knee.

Oh, dear, what a shame.

If all that Italian cooking and sour wine don't finish him off,

that knee bending surely will.

Well, maybe the Pope can recommend a good doctor.

Amy, that's not the point.

The point is we've got a sick man here.

Nah, why should I burden another man with Sam's problems?

Burden? What burden?

After all, what's a family for?

Did I say it?

Did I say to myself yesterday:

"Moe, why hesitate to speak to Walt,

a man so generous, so warm-hearted, so fair?"

Well, since you seem to know me so well,

tell me, what's on your mind?

Oh, thank you, Walt.

Mmm, but no.

Would a man even dare to suggest a trade to another man

who already has one foot in Tel Aviv?

Would that man even consider a trip to Rome?

Why wouldn't he, if that's where he's just dying to go?

Amy. Please.

Moe, I'm gonna do something that's very rarely done in business.

I wanna be honest with you.

I can see through you, and you can see through me.

Like Irish crystal.

Moe, if you have those tickets to Rome,

I'll make a switch with you faster than you can say Vatican City.

Here!

Moe, you're some kind of a genius.

I admit it.

You and Walt are not so bad yourselves, Sam.

However, when you two tycoons got together to do business,

- you forgot one thing. - What?

You forgot the middleman.

So my brother middle-manned us right to Israel.

Hey, wait a minute.

We were gonna give the tickets to Bridget and Bernie.

Uh, no, no. No, no, Ma.

Um, we want you to go to Israel.

And, uh, have a wonderful time.

- You won't be disappointed? - We'll have ten days alone.

And at their age, it doesn't matter where they spend it.

Hey.

Hey, you know,

our middleman did okay for himself.

I mean, he got the downstairs place all to himself

for about ten days.

- I love happy endings. - You do, huh?

And beginnings.

And what happens in between.

Hi.

Moe told me to come over and bring champagne.

Downstairs, Shirley. Downstairs.

Oh, sorry.

- Good night. - Good night, sweetheart.

- What's the matter? - I thought I heard your mother's voice.

You did, huh?

I think I can fix that.

- I didn't hear a thing. - Terrific.