Original subtitles

♪ FUNNY OLD WORLD, I JUST ADORE YOU ♪

♪ FONDLY I IMPLORE YOU ♪

♪ YOU OLD TROUBADOUR, YOU ♪

♪ PLEASE, WHEN YOU GET READY ♪

♪ I'D LIKE TO GO STEADY AND ♪

♪ GEE, TAKE IT FROM ME, IT'LL BE GROOVY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THERE'S SOMEBODY ♪

♪ UP THERE DIGGING US ALL ♪

♪ ALL CHAPPY AND HAND-SLAPPY ♪

♪ JUST LIKE IN A MOVIE ♪

♪ AS WE'S HAVING US ♪

♪ ONE FABULOUS, FANTABULOUS ♪

♪ BEAUTIFUL BALL ♪

[APPLAUSE]

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]

[PLAYING VIOLIN]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

YEAH. YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

I KNOW. IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT.

OK, I'LL STOP.

I SUPPOSE YOU'RE WONDERING WHO I AM.

WELL, TAKE A GOOD LOOK.

PRETTY MONSTROUS, EH?

WHY NOT? I'M A MONSTER.

IN FACT, I'M THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER OF JEALOUSY.

YOU MAY ASK,

IF I'M THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER, WHY HAVE I GOT RED EYES?

I DON'T SLEEP.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH. YEAH.

JEALOUS?

UH-HUH. YEAH, CHIEF. GOTCHA.

RIGHT!

I GOT TO GO OUT ON A JOB.

YOU WANT TO COME ALONG?

WHY NOT?

HARRY, MY HUSBAND HAS FOUND OUT ABOUT US,

AND HE'S TERRIBLY PERTURBED.

PERTURBED? HOW?

LOOK. I'LL SHOW YOU.

HE DOES SEEM PERTURBED.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

BERNIE HERE.

CHIEF?

ANOTHER ONE?

HAVE I GOT A PASSPORT? WHERE?

[BAND PLAYING]

OUR VIGIL HERE AT BELHAM AIRPORT

WILL BE OVER AT ANY MOMENT.

THE MARSHAL OF THE ROYAL AIR FORCE

AND HIGH EMBASSY OFFICIALS

HAVE ASSEMBLED HERE TO WELCOME TO LONDON

THREE-STAR LIEUTENANT GENERAL MAYNARD C. PARKER.

GENERAL PARKER,

WHO IS THE PRESIDENT'S PERSONAL ENVOY,

IS HERE FOR HIGH-LEVEL TACTICAL TALKS,

AFTER WHICH HE AND HIS ENTOURAGE

WILL LEAVE FOR A TOUR

OF AMERICAN AIR FORCE INSTALLATIONS IN EUROPE.

I CAN SEE THAT THE AIRCRAFTSMEN

ARE PREPARING THE RAMP.

THEY'RE PUSHING IT ACROSS THE TARMAC

UP TO THE PLANE.

PRESENT ARMS!

THE BIG DOORS OF THE PLANE ARE OPENING.

THE RAMP IS BEING PUSHED INTO POSITION,

AND--AND HERE IS THE GENERAL NOW!

GENERAL, BBC. WOULD YOU CARE TO MAKE A STATEMENT?

YES. THERE WAS A YOUNG GIRL FROM EAST LYNN

WHO DAILY DRANK 4 QUARTS OF GIN.

WHEN TOLD THAT SHE SHOULDN'T,

SHE SAID THAT SHE WOULDN'T

EXCEPT IT WAS GOOD FOR HER SKIN.

THANK YOU, GENERAL.

OUR VIEWERS WILL BE DEEPLY REASSURED BY YOUR WORDS.

THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU HOLD IT THERE, COLONEL?

1, 2, 3...

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, COLONEL FERRIS.

WE APPRECIATE YOU SUPERVISING THIS DRY RUN.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS?

YES. DON'T START THE INTERVIEWING

UNTIL THE FORMALITIES ARE OVER,

AND WATCH THESE CHALK MARKS, THE WIRES, AND CABLES.

I DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO TRIP.

THANK YOU, COLONEL.

LLOYD, THE BAND WAS FINE.

JUST A BIT BRIGHTER, HUH?

TELL THE SECOND TROMBONE

IT'S A B-FLAT, NOT AN A.

I SHALL, SIR.

GILROY, GOT THE AIR-CONDITIONED LIMOUSINE?

THE CANDY AND THE FLOWERS?

YELLOW ROSES FOR THE GENERAL'S WIFE?

I HAVE EVERYTHING, SIR.

YES. NOW POLICE THE RUNWAY.

THERE ARE TOO MANY CIGARETTE BUTTS. SEE YOU LATER.

WATCH YOUR TIE.

HOW'S IT GOING, TOM?

WELL LAID OUT, SIR.

THE PLANE WILL ARRIVE THERE

AND STOP THERE.

THAT WILL BE THE BRITISH BRASS,

THE EMBASSY, AND THE PRESS, SIR.

GOOD. LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE TAKEN CARE

OF EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE WEATHER.

AND I MAY BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING

ABOUT THAT, TOO, SIR.

WHAT'S THE POOP ON THE GENERAL'S NEW EXEC?

WHAT'S HIS NAME-- WILLIAMS?

NO, SIR, IT'S WILSON.

TERENCE WILSON. WEST POINT '28.

D.F.C. ADVISER,

CHIEF OF STAFF, PENTAGON.

FIRST-CLASS GAME OF BRIDGE, SIR.

GOLF HANDICAP IS 4.

FINE.

ONE MOMENT, SIR. EXCUSE ME.

LIKES POLISH VODKA ON THE ROCKS. LARGE

WITH THE LADIES, PREFERENCE BLONDES.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

PREFERENCE ANY KIND OF WOMAN, SIR.

FERRIS, YOU'RE INCREDIBLE.

WE DO OUR LEVEL BEST, SIR.

[AIRPLANE APPROACHING]

IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, SIR...

THAT IS THE GENERAL'S PLANE.

PRESENT ARMS!

HELLO THERE.

HELLO, LILLIAN. HOW ARE YOU?

WELCOME.

HELLO, MILT. HOW ARE YOU?

FINE, GENERAL. GOOD TO SEE YOU.

OH, MY FAVORITES. HOW DID YOU EVER REMEMBER?

SIR, I THINK YOU KNOW

MY ASSISTANT AIR ATTACHE

COLONEL FERRIS.

HELLO, FERRIS.

ALL YOUR PROPS STILL TURNING?

WE TRY, SIR.

I'VE ASSIGNED FERRIS TO ACCOMPANY

YOUR EUROPEAN TOUR, GENERAL.

ALL LOGISTICS--

HOTEL ACCOMMODATIONS AND SO FORTH.

THIS WAY, SIR. WOULD YOU EXCUSE US?

SIR, I'VE SECURED THE OLIVER MESSEL SUITE

FOR YOU AT THE DORCHESTER HOTEL.

BENSON WILL BE LOOKING AFTER YOU,

AND FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND,

YOU'VE SWITCHED TO CHURCHILL PANETELLAS.

YOU'LL FIND 2 BOXES,

COMPLIMENTS OF THE AMBASSADOR.

OH, FINE, FINE. NOW, FERRIS,

WHO IS THIS AIR MARSHAL UP AHEAD HERE?

UH, AIR MARSHAL GEORGE GIBBONS.

WHO IS HE?

GIBBONS. NICKNAME "DUSTY."

YOU MIGHT CONGRATULATE HIM, SIR.

HE'S JUST BEEN PROMOTED.

FINE, FERRIS, FINE.

HELLO, DUSTY. HOW ARE YOU?

HELLO, GENERAL. HOW ARE YOU?

CONGRATULATIONS ON THE PROMOTION. WELL DESERVED.

Gibbons: THANK YOU, GENERAL.

HANG ON TO THAT BOOK, FERRIS.

IF THE RUSSIANS EVER GET AHOLD OF IT,

WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

WOULD YOU HOLD IT THERE, COLONEL?

♪ BE MY STAR ON HIGH ♪

♪ SAY I'LL LIVE OR DIE ♪

♪ IN A WORD, BE... ♪

CHARMING COUPLE, THOSE FERRISES.

YEAH.

BIG FUTURE, THAT BOY.

SHE'S JUST

ABOUT THE SWEETEST LITTLE THING

I EVER SAW.

ITALIAN, YOU KNOW.

OH?

CHARMING.

♪ THAT I PRAY YOU'LL BE ♪

♪ MY... ♪

YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE THAT AGE, DEAR?

YEAH.

WHY DID I HAVE TO WEAR THIS OLD BLUE?

HA HA HA!

WHY COULDN'T I WEAR MY NEW RED?

BECAUSE, UH, DORIS PARKER IS WEARING RED.

HA HA HA!

AND IF WE BOTH WORE RED,

YOU'D BE SHOT AT DAWN? HA HA!

I'VE GOT A PROMOTION

COMING UP ANY DAY NOW.

I WISH YOU'D STOP ROCKING THE BOAT.

AT LEAST USE AN AIR FORCE CLICHE.

HONEY. HA HA!

WHERE'S THAT SMILE?

HA HA HA!

IF I SMILE ANY HARDER, MY TEETH WILL BREAK.

HA HA HA!

OH, THERE ARE THE PARKERS.

OH. EH HEH.

GOOD EVENING.

GOOD EVENING, FERRIS, MRS. FERRIS.

MRS. FERRIS, IT CERTAINLY IS REFRESHING TO SEE

SUCH A CAREFREE, HAPPY COUPLE.

HA HA HA! OH, YES.

WE DO A LOT OF SMILING.

Man: OH, TOM.

YOU'LL HAVE TO FLY OVER TO COPENHAGEN TOMORROW.

THAT DANISH AIR FORCE MATTER.

OF COURSE, SIR, RIGHT AFTER THE CONFERENCE.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE US?

OH, YES.

THANK YOU. EXCUSE US.

FROM COPENHAGEN,

CAN YOU BRING ME A DANISH CORKSCREW?

HONEY, YOU'VE ALREADY GOT ONE.

WELL, I'D LIKE ANOTHER.

BUT--I'M GONNA HAVE A FULL DAY IN COPENHAGEN.

I'VE GOT TO BRING BACK ALL THAT OTHER STUFF.

OTHER STUFF?

JIM'S ORDERED 2 DOZEN JARS OF CAVIAR,

THE HENDERSONS, MARINATED FISHBALLS,

2 LAMPS FOR THE MURRAYS.

SO YOU CAN SEE I'LL BE JAMMED TO THE HATCH.

HOW MUCH ROOM CAN IT TAKE?

CAN WHAT TAKE?

ONE LITTLE CORKSCREW.

UH, SHH, SHH.

A CORKSCREW ONLY THAT BIG!

UH, JULIE...

YOU CAN STICK IT ANYWHERE!

[CROWD WHISPERING]

Tom: "YOU CAN STICK IT ANYWHERE."

A ROOMFUL OF BRASS,

AND YOU MAKE A FEDERAL CASE OUT OF CORKSCREWS!

FORGET IT. I DON'T WANT ONE.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. YOU'VE GOT ONE!

AND IF I WANT 2?

FOR A CHANGE, HUH?

OH, IT'S LATE, DARLING. COME TO BED.

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO BED.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

HA HA! I KNOW.

I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. SIT.

AHH...

I'M TOO UPSET TO GO TO SLEEP.

I'LL FIX YOU A NICE GLASS OF HOT...

MILK, HMM?

UH...

I DON'T WANT ANY HOT MILK.

THEN TAKE A SLEEPING PILL.

WELL, I RATHER WOULD HAVE THE MILK.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL FIX SOME.

NO, NO, NEVER MIND. NEVER MIND.

I'LL TAKE A PILL.

OH, YOU TAKE TOO MANY PILLS.

YEAH? ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE THE MILK.

WE'RE OUT.

YOU BETTER TAKE PILLS.

"WE'RE OUT. YOU BETTER TAKE PILLS"? HUH?

YOU'RE SLEEPY, DEAR. COME TO BED.

I TELL YOU, SOMETIMES...

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

YOU KNOW, TOM...

I HATE TO FIGHT...

AND NAG AND ARGUE AND--

YOU FIGHT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT...

AND NAG...

AND ARGUE...

AND PERFUME.

I DON'T WANT PERFUME. I JUST WANT--

NO, NO, NOT FOR YOU, MY DARLING.

THE GENERAL'S WIFE.

I FORGOT TO GET THIS PERFUME...

OH, COME ON. THAT'S PART OF MY JOB.

JOB! YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT DUMB BLACK BOOK.

SOMETIMES I WISH IT WERE FULL OF WOMEN

INSTEAD OF-- OF THINGS!

WELL, IF IT WASN'T FOR THE THINGS,

YOU'D BE WASHING DIAPERS

IN A TARPAPER SHACK

IN HUNTER FIELD, GEORGIA!

I WANT TO WASH DIAPERS!

YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU NEVER HAD TO.

GIVE ME THE CHANCE!

WHERE ARE THOSE PILLS?

DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT CHILDREN.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THEM.

I WANT TO HAVE THEM.

NOT TONIGHT!

I WON'T TALK ABOUT THEM TONIGHT.

OR ANY OTHER NIGHT.

WHERE ARE THOSE PILLS?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HAVING A BABY RIGHT HERE IN LONDON?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

ARE YOU CRAZY ABOUT THE COLD? YOU DIG DAMP?

YOU WANT A KID JUST LIKE THE MILLERS'--

3 YEARS OLD, WINTER AND SUMMER,

A NOSE THAT NEVER QUITS.

OH, NO. NOT ME. MY SON'S GONNA BE BORN

IN A BIG, BEAUTIFUL HOSPITAL

IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

WHEN I'M A FULL COLONEL

AT $967.62 A MONTH.

BLUE. BLUE! I TOOK THE WRONG PILLS!

I TOOK PEP-UP PILLS!

I'LL BE UP ALL NIGHT!

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

OH, TOM, IT IS FUNNY.

HYSTERICAL. I KNOW WHAT I'LL DO.

I'LL TAKE TWO SLEEPING PILLS

TO COUNTERACT THE PEP-UP PILLS.

HELP ME FIND THE PILLS.

LOOK IN THE DRAWER.

THEY GOT TO BE SOMEWHERE.

HERE. TOM, YOU TAKE TOO MANY PILLS.

8:00 MEETING WITH THE BRASS.

IF I DON'T TAKE THEM,

I'LL BE HALF OUT OF MY MIND.

IF YOU'RE REALLY OUT OF YOUR MIND,

MAYBE YOU'LL BRING ME A BUNCH OF FLOWERS--

ONE FLOWER,

A ROSE, ANYTHING!

OH, JULIET, PLEASE.

OH, TOM.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME

WE WENT OUT ALONE HOLDING HANDS? HMM?

JULIET, THIS MAY COME AS A SHOCK TO YOU,

BUT THERE ARE SOME THINGS

MORE IMPORTANT IN LIFE

THAN HOLDING HANDS WITH YOUR WIFE.

YOU'RE REALLY DISGUSTING!

WHAT?

MEAN AND SELFISH AND DISGUSTING!

WHO, ME?

VULGAR, CHEAP, AND INSENSITIVE!

[SOBBING]

OH, THERE, THERE.

WHY ARE WE TEARING EACH OTHER APART THIS WAY?

OH, JULIETTA, DON'T CRY.

COME ON TO BED, HUH?

COME ON. THERE, THERE, THERE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

TOMORROW NIGHT, WE'LL GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING SPECIAL.

WHAT DO YOU SAY? GOOD?

YOU'RE GOING TO COPENHAGEN TOMORROW.

OOH, THAT'S RIGHT. I FORGOT.

ALL RIGHT, WHEN I COME BACK. HMM?

TOM, DON'T GO.

OH, JULIETTA, BUT I HAVE TO.

OH, FOR ME, TRY.

OH, BUT--

ALL RIGHT, JULIET, I'LL TRY.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.

I'LL GET CHARLEY TO GO INSTEAD.

BETTER THAN THAT, I'LL ASK LEN. LEN'S GOT A--

LENS! A 2-INCH LENS FOR A HASSELBLAD!

SCUSA.

THIS GENERAL WANTED ME TO GET A HASSELBLAD--

DARLING.

HUH?

TAKE YOUR HASSELBLADS...

WHAT?

AND YOUR GENERALS

AND YOUR MARINATED FISHBALLS,

AND GET OUT.

OUT!

OUT!

COLONEL!

YOU FORGOT YOUR BRIEF--

Man: COULD WE HAVE ONE MORE, COLONEL MARTIN?

YES, WHY NOT?

I LIKE TO GIVE THEM OUT.

HOW'S THAT? WONDERFUL.

GILROY, DID YOU SEE TANK?

YEAH.

WHERE DID HE GO?

HE SAID HE HAD A FEW CHORES TO DO,

AND THEN HE WAS GOING TO DROP IN AND SEE YOUR WIFE.

I HAVEN'T SEEN THE GUY IN 14 YEARS,

AND THE FIRST THING HE DOES IS SEE MY WIFE?

DO YOU THINK HE KNOWS ANYTHING?

HOW COULD HE?

DID HE SEEM LIKE HE KNEW ANYTHING?

NO. HE JUST SAID HE WAS GONNA DROP BY THE HOUSE.

I'D BETTER GET OUT THERE.

I KNOW YOU'RE A LITTLE EDGY

'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T SLEEP LAST NIGHT,

BUT YOU HAVE TO GO TO A CONFERENCE.

TO HELL WITH THE CONFERENCE.

IT'S GENERAL PARKER, SIR. TOP BRASS!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WHY ARE YOU GETTING ALL PANICKY?

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN?

YOU'RE RIGHT. WHAT COULD HAPPEN?

WE'RE IN THE AMERICAN EMBASSY IN LONDON,

NOT IN THE JUNGLE.

I DON'T WHAT I'M GETTING SO NERVOUS ABOUT.

WHAT COULD HAPPEN?

KEEP THE MOTOR RUNNING.

I CAN BEST ILLUSTRATE THE TACTICAL USE OF THIS THING

BY REFERRING TO SEVERAL INCIDENTS

IN THE KOREAN CAMPAIGN.

WE FOUND OUT THAT OUR FORMATIONS WERE UNWIELDY.

THEY WERE INFLEXIBLE,

AND SO WE DEVELOPED THE "HUNT AND KILL" CONCEPT.

THE TIME--SEPTEMBER 1952.

THE PLACE--MIG ALLEY.

Echo: MIG ALLY.

MIG ALLY.

[GUNFIRE]

WHISKEY ROMEO 4 TO MOTHER GOOSE.

WHISKEY ROMEO 4 TO MOTHER GOOSE.

Tom: COME IN! COME IN! COME IN!

ROGER. MOTHER GOOSE HERE. WHAT'S THE SCOOP?

MY GUNS ARE JAMMED. BANDITS 3, 12, 5.

TAKE YOUR PICK ALL AROUND THE CLOCK.

HOLD THE FORT. BUSY HANDS ARE HAPPY HANDS.

GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE!

BEHIND YOU AT 6:00.

SPLIT US THE HELL OUT OF THERE,

AND I'LL PICK YOU UP IN A DIVE.

[GUNFIRE]

[RINGING]

Tom: HEY...

HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH?

Tank: UH...

NOW WHAT?

HMM?

MM-HMM.

WHAT ABOUT THAT?

UH, NO.

AHH...

WELL, YOURS ISN'T TOO BAD.

MINE? I FIGURED SHE WAS MORE YOUR STYLE.

YEAH. RATHER ATTRACTIVE, I THINK.

YEAH, IF YOU'RE CRAZY ABOUT THOMAS JEFFERSON.

BUSY HANDS ARE HAPPY HANDS.

SEE YOU LATER, SWEETHEART.

AH, AH, AH.

CHARLIE, LET ME HAVE A DECK OF CARDS.

HERE YOU GO, LIEUTENANT.

HIGH CARD, WINNER TAKE ALL.

FAIR ENOUGH?

ANY CARD? ANY CARD I CAN TAKE.

ANY CARD YOU LIKE. MAKES NO DIFFERENCE.

A LADY.

LADY, HUH?

ACE. WELL...

OH, ISN'T THIS FABULOUS? HA HA! ACES.

HA HA! ISN'T THAT AMAZING? ALL THOSE ACES.

YEAH? NOW WHAT?

SOMETHING HONEST?

HAVE WE SUNK TO THAT?

I GOT IT.

TELL YOU WHAT.

ONE DART, WINNER TAKE ALL.

WAIT-- WITH YOUR LEFT HAND.

WAIT-- OVER YOUR SHOULDER.

HA HA HA!

IF YOU WANT A DATE THAT BADLY, GO AHEAD.

THERE'S NO OTHER WORD FOR THIS BUT FATE.

I MEAN...

2 STRANGERS LOST...

DRIFTING.

THEN THE MIRACLE HAPPENS.

EYES MEET...

HANDS TOUCH...

LIPS...

HUNGER TO FUSE IN THAT ONE MOMENT OF ECSTASY.

WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER DRINK?

COULD I?

[SNAP]

SALLY ANN...

DO YOU LOVE YOUR COUNTRY?

LOVE MY COUNTRY?

JUST HOW MUCH?

VERY MUCH.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TRUST YOU.

I'M NOT REALLY A FLIER.

I'M A SECRET AGENT.

A SEC--

THEY'RE DROPPING ME BEHIND ENEMY LINES TONIGHT.

IF I'M CAUGHT...

WELL...

WE'VE ALL HEARD THEM STORIES, HAVEN'T WE?

OH, TANK.

SALLY ANN, THIS MAY BE MY LAST NIGHT ON EARTH.

CAN YOU THINK OF ANY LOVELIER OR MORE SPIRITUAL WAY

OF SPENDING IT THAN CRADLED

IN YOUR LOVING, COMPASSIONATE ARMS?

BUT, TANK...

I HARDLY KNOW YOU.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT SO BEAUTIFUL.

SHALL WE?

CAPTAIN MARTIN?

MM-HMM?

I'M CHANDLER McVEY, TIME MAGAZINE.

WE'RE DOING A PIECE

ON THE KOREAN EPISODE.

IF YOU COULD SPARE AN HOUR,

WE'D ROUGH IT IN.

WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS?

CHANDLER McVEY.

NOT THE CHANDLER McVEY,

FAMOUS FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT?

HEY, THAT'S REAL JOURNALISM TALK--

THAT "EPISODE," "ROUGH IT IN."

IF YOU COULD DIG UP A PHOTO,

WE'D LIKE TO USE ONE FOR THE COVER. "TOP ACE

OF THE SQUADRON," THAT SORT OF THING.

I'M FRESH OUT, MR. FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT.

IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T HEARD,

WE'VE GOT A LITTLE WAR GOING ON OVER HERE,

SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET LOST?

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

IT SEEMS THERE'S A GREAT DISCREPANCY

BETWEEN HEROISM AND GOOD MANNERS.

OH, THAT'S VERY TIME--

LEAN, TERSE, SARDONIC.

LISTEN. NEXT TIME,

TELL OLD SMILING JACK OVER THERE

"A LITTLE MORE SUBTLE."

NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

OH, YEAH. SHALL WE?

YOU WERE TERRIBLY RUDE.

I'M NOT HERE TO GIVE OUT INTERVIEWS.

I'M A FLIER.

AREN'T YOU A SECRET AGENT?

RIGHT. HOW COULD MY PICTURE BE

ON THE COVER OF TIME?

WE'D BETTER GO.

THERE ARE SO FEW HOURS TILL DAWN.

HEY, CHARLIE,

THE C.O.'s LOOKING FOR McVEY,

CORRESPONDENT FROM TIME MAGAZINE.

YOU SEEN HIM?

OH, YEAH. HE JUST WENT OUT.

THANKS.

YOU MEAN HE REALLY WAS--

UH, SIT DOWN, THERE, HONEY.

DON'T GO AWAY. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

UH, EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR CAPTAIN MARTIN.

A PATHETIC CASE. MAY I SIT DOWN?

HE DIDN'T GIVE YOU THAT "SECRET AGENT,

"SO FEW HOURS TILL DAWN,

LIPS HUNGER TO FUSE" ROUTINE, DID HE?

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

IT ALL CAME OUT IN THE TRIAL.

TRIAL?

MMM. TERRIBLY SORDID.

THEY HUSHED IT UP BECAUSE OF HIS WAR RECORD.

MY BLOOD RUNS COLD AT THE THOUGHT

OF WHAT HE DID TO THAT SWEET, INNOCENT,

DEFENSELESS NURSE.

WHAT DID HE DO?

MAY I ASK YOUR AGE?

19.

YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO READ THE NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS.

I HAVE THEM OVER AT MY PLACE.

HE DIDN'T

YES, YES.

TRY TO--

YOU MEAN HE--

OH, IT'S A LONG STORY.

I BETTER GET US A FIFTH OF BOURBON.

UH, CHARL...

[LAUGHTER]

WE BETTER HURRY, HONEY.

YEAH. THANK YOU, CHARLIE.

COME ON.

SPIT ON THE AMERICAN FLAG, WILL YOU?

THAT'S LIKE SPITTING ON VALLEY FORGE

OR BETSY ROSS...

MY MOM'S APPLE PIE!

YEAH...

SORRY, OLD MAN.

[SHOUTING]

TOM! HELP!

Tank: HELP!

HE'S SPITTING ON THE FLAG!

OK, WE'LL GET IT DRY-CLEANED!

LET'S STAY AND WATCH THIS, OK?

HE NEEDS HELP!

HELP? HE'S EATING THEM ALIVE.

WELL, AREN'T YOU GOING TO DEFEND THE FLAG?

A FLAG THAT SIZE?

CLUMSY OAF!

CONCERNING YOUR PATRIOTISM--

DON'T GO AWAY. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WE BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.

MY CAPE!

OH, YEAH. HOLD THIS. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OLé!

AAH!

YOU'RE INVITED TO THE WEDDING!

WONDERFUL. I JUST WANT THE PICK OF THE LITTER.

WELL...

GET DOWN, GIRLS!

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, NOW, DON'T PANIC.

FOLLOW ME SINGLE FILE.

LET ME HAVE YOUR HAT. READY? LET'S GO.

BREAK IT UP, FELLAS.

FELLAS, EXCUSE ME-- THE GIRLS.

SORRY, GIRLS! IT'S EACH MAN FOR HIMSELF!

WHERE DID HE COME FROM?

OH, EXCUSE ME.

WHY DID YOU SPIT

ON THE AUSTRALIAN FLAG?

NO, NO, WAIT. IT'S NOT TRUE!

THEY'RE KILLING HIM!

IT WILL TAKE HOURS.

Julie: YOU'LL BE A LITTLE WEAK

FOR A FEW DAYS,

AND THE HEADACHES WILL BE VERY BAD.

FINITO. ALL DONE.

HI.

HI.

WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE WARNED ME.

YOU'RE TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR SOMEONE

TO JUST OPEN HIS EYES AND SEE.

LIEUTENANT.

I LOVED YOUR VOICE,

BUT NOW THAT I CAN SEE, I LOVE WHERE IT COMES FROM.

YOU'RE PULLING MY FOOT.

YOU MEAN YOUR LEG, AND I'D LOVE TO.

YOU'RE--YOU'RE ITALIAN, AREN'T YOU?

YES.

BUT YOU'RE BLONDE.

IT'S NOT ALLOWED?

OH, I'M NOT COMPLAINING.

IT'S JUST I NEVER THINK OF BRUNETTES AS BLONDES--

I MEAN ITALIANS.

IT'S USUALLY MORE ONE WAY THAN THE OTHER.

I MEAN, WHATEVER THE OTHER WAY WAS,

I LIKE IT BETTER YOUR WAY.

DO YOU FEEL ALL RIGHT?

NO, I DON'T FEEL WELL AT ALL.

I'M GOING TO NEED A LOT OF ATTENTION, YES.

YOU'LL HAVE TO BE HERE ALL THE TIME.

HA HA! TELL ME. HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

OH, IT WAS JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

6 MIGS JUMP ME.

I BLAST 3 OF THEM,

BUT ONE OF 'EM GETS ON MY TAIL. BAM!

MY ENGINE'S ON FIRE, THE AMMO'S EXPLODING,

AND SHE'S BUCKING LIKE A BRONCO.

I GET 2 OF 'EM AS I GO INTO THIS STEEP SUICIDE DIVE.

I SHOULD HIT THE SILK,

BUT I'M FLYING $1 MILLION WORTH

OF TAXPAYERS' AIRPLANE.

DON'T ASK ME HOW, BUT I PULL HER OUT AT 50 FEET.

I SLAM HER DOWN ON A RUNWAY.

I SKID ABOUT 1 1/2 MILES INTO A RICE PADDY

TO AVOID HITTING THIS CHILDREN'S ORPHANAGE--

THIS TINY CHILDREN'S ORPHANAGE.

YOUR CHART SAYS

"CONCUSSION DUE TO BRAWL

IN SERVICE CLUB."

OH, YOU MEAN THAT BRAWL. OH, WELL, THAT CAME LATER.

NO ONE CAN SPIT

ON THE AMERICAN FLAG WHILE TOM FERRIS IS AROUND.

THAT WOULD BE VERY BAD ON YOUR RECORD.

IT WAS JUST A FIGHT.

IT RELIEVES THE TENSION OF FIGHTING ALL THE TIME.

HAVE YOU HEARD FROM A CAPTAIN MARTIN?

OH, YES.

OH, YOU HAVE, HUH?

HE CALLED TWICE. HE'S VERY WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

HE DAMN WELL SHOULD BE.

YOU MUSTN'T SEE HIM.

I MEAN, I MUSTN'T SEE HIM.

HE'S AN UNSTABLE CHARACTER,

AND HE MAKES ME NERVOUS,

AND I'M A VERY CALM PERSON.

HE'S NOT YOUR FRIEND?

MY FRIEND? WHY, THAT DIRTY--

HE'S THE ONE THAT SPIT ON THE F...

UH, WHO'S THAT FOR-- YOU OR ME?

ON YOUR STOMACH, PLEASE.

OH, WELL, IT'S...

IT'S NOT MY MOST FLATTERING ANGLE,

AND I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU NOW

I'M NOT A GREAT FAN OF PAIN.

WHAT DO I-- WHAT DO I CALL YOU?

TRY LIEUTENANT.

JUST A MOMENT.

I'M SORRY. I DON'T DO THIS FOR STRANGERS.

I MUST HAVE YOUR NAME.

PARODI.

FOR THE WEDDING INVITATIONS,

I MUST HAVE A FIRST NAME.

ALL RIGHT. JULIETTA.

JULIETTA?

MM-HMM.

JULIETTA.

JULIETTA FERRIS.

JULIETTA PARODI...

UH...FERRIS.

ALL RIGHT?

YES. ALL RIGHT.

JUST THINK...

WE'VE HAD OUR FIRST SHOT TOGETHER.

NOW GO TO SLEEP.

BE A GOOD LIEUTENANT,

AND YOU'LL BE OUT BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

YOU'D BE SURPRISED

HOW LONG THESE THINGS CAN TAKE.

ARRIVEDERCI. THAT'S ITALIAN.

GO TO SLEEP. THAT'S ENGLISH.

[SIGH]

WHY CAN'T I TALK TO HIM?

THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I'VE CALLED.

I AM SORRY. DOCTOR'S ORDERS.

HE MUST HAVE COMPLETE ISOLATION.

Tank: WHO'S IN CHARGE OVER THERE?

SWITCH ME OVER TO COLONEL HOCKSTADER.

NURSE, I LEFT EXPRESS INSTRUCTIONS

THERE WERE TO BE NO PHONE CALLS HERE.

WHO IS THAT?

CAPTAIN MARTIN, DOCTOR--

A CLOSE FRIEND.

I'LL TAKE IT. HELLO. MAJOR FRUMISS HERE.

YOU GOT A MIGHTY SICK BUDDY--

SEVERE CRANIAL INTERSTITIAL CONTUSIONS

WITH INTIMATED COMPLICATIONS.

I HAD NO IDEA, MAJOR.

THE PATIENT MUST HAVE NO DISTRACTIONS

AND NO EXCITEMENT.

THAT MEANS NO PHONE CALLS, NO VISITORS, NOTHING.

DO YOU READ ME?

WELL, I SURE HOPE HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

OH, HE'S GOING TO BE FINE

IF PEOPLE JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE.

HE'S IN MIGHTY FINE HANDS.

GOOD-BYE.

BEAUTIFUL HANDS. MMM.

HE CAN'T BE THAT MUCH OF A MONSTER.

HE CAN'T, HUH?

WHY DOES HE SLEEP IN A COFFIN?

OH, STOP.

WHEN HE ORDERS A BLOODY MARY,

IT'S THE REAL THING.

WHY DOES HE DISTURB YOU SO MUCH?

HE DOESN'T DISTURB ME.

YOU WANT TO KNOW MY PROBLEM? YOU. LIEUTENANT.

EVERY TIME YOU WALK INTO THIS ROOM,

BUTTERFLIES...

A WHOLE SQUADRON.

I...I'LL GET YOUR DINNER.

WHO CAN EAT?

I CAN'T.

YOU--

DON'T.

PLEASE.

UH, EXCUSE ME. LIEUTENANT FERRIS?

SORRY, SIR. NO VISITORS.

IT'S BEEN 10 DAYS.

DOCTOR'S ORDERS.

HE'S IMMOBILIZED--

MUST HAVE COMPLETE REST.

Man: MARY.

MARY.

STOP.

HONEY, I THINK I'M GETTING

THAT FEVER BACK AGAIN.

CHARLIE, NOT HERE.

UH, I'LL TAKE THE FLOWERS, SIR.

I THINK MAYBE I'LL GET HIM

SOMETHING A LITTLE SHOWIER.

LIEUTENANT FERRIS, PLEASE.

LIEUTENANT, WATCH IT.

CAPTAIN MARTIN IS SNEAKING UP TO YOUR ROOM.

DON'T MENTION IT, SIR.

TOM?

HMM?

SOMEONE HERE?

IT'S ME--TANK.

TANK. TANK!

WHERE ARE YOU?

COME CLOSER.

CAN'T YOU SEE ME?

NO, BUT I CAN HEAR YOU.

YOU'RE RIGHT OVER THERE, HUH?

OH, TOMMY.

TANK?

OH, TANK.

IT'S SO GOOD TO TOUCH SOMEONE,

BUT YOU CAN'T STAY.

I'M NOT ALLOWED VISITORS OR PEOPLE.

I'M JUST SICK ABOUT THIS.

IT'S NOT PERMANENT, IS IT?

NO, NO, NO.

IT'S PRESSURE ON THE OPTIC NERVE.

DOCTOR SAYS A FEW MORE WEEKS, AND I'LL BE FINE.

NICE SEEING YOU, TANK.

YOU HAVE TO GO, TANK.

WELL...

GIVE THEM HELL, BUDDY.

RIGHT. TANK, THE FLOWERS.

HUH?

I SMELLED THEM

THE MINUTE YOU CAME IN.

RHODODENDRONS-- MY FAVORITE FLOWER.

OH, THANKS, TANK. OH, SO BEAUTIFUL.

THEY REALLY BRIGHTEN UP THE ROOM.

MARVELOUS COLORS, I IMAGINE.

[SNIFF]

WHAT A FRAGRANCE.

[SNIFF]

MMM.

OH, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.

OH, GORGEOUS. MMM, BEAUTIFUL.

[SNIFF]

MARVELOUS.

HELLO THERE.

HI, SIR.

HOW'S OLD TOM?

THEY SAY HE'S GETTING ALONG JUST FINE.

IN FACT, I GOT TO BRING HIM SOME STUFF

UP TO THE HOSPITAL--

HIS ROBE AND SOME BOOKS AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

WHAT'S IN THE BAG?

OH, FRUIT.

I'D LIKE TO BE THERE WHEN HE PEELS IT.

HOWDY!

HEY, HEY! YOU CAN SEE.

YEAH. WELL, IT COMES AND GOES.

GILROY GOT A LITTLE HUNG UP.

HE SAID YOU BOUGHT THIS FOR A NURSE.

YES--NURSE KREMDEL. NICE OLD BAG.

SHE'S HAVING A 50th BIRTHDAY,

AND SO I BOUGHT HER A LITTLE PRESENT.

WELL, WHAT IS IT?

WELL, IT'S A PAISLEY SHAWL

AND SOME NICE, LONG, WOOLEN UNDERWEAR.

TOMMY, YOU'RE ALL HEART.

OH! OH.

YOU'RE BEGINNING TO FADE AGAIN.

YOU'D BETTER GO.

I'LL GET YOUR NURSE.

I DON'T WANT MY NURSE.

I'D BETTER GET YOU SOME HELP. NURSE!

NO! NO! TANK!

THERE'S A SICK MAN IN HERE!

WHAT'S WRONG?

Tom: I WANT MY NURSE-- THE OTHER ONE--

OTHER ONE?

MISS NIBLUM.

HE MEANS MISS KREMDEL.

I'D BETTER GET BACK TO MY ROOM.

I THINK YOU HAVE A FEVER.

IT'S HIM.

HIM. HE...

[TOM MUMBLES]

ARE YOU CAPTAIN MARTIN?

TOM BOUGHT YOU THIS LITTLE PRESENT.

I JUST THOUGHT I'D DROP IT OFF.

OH. YOU'RE VERY KIND.

AT YOUR SERVICE.

WE'RE OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY.

HA HA HA!

WELL, YOU'RE VERY KIND.

OH, YES.

GRAZIE.

PREGO!

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. NURSE, MY TEMPERATURE.

YOU BETTER LEAVE.

THIS IS NOT A HOTEL. IT'S A HOSPITAL.

CAPTAIN, I THINK PERHAPS...

AH, RIGHT.

I FORGOT ABOUT HIS INTERSTITIAL CONTUSIONS

WITH HIS INTERMITTENT DOUBLE-TALK.

WELL, TOM, OLD BOY,

MUSTN'T KEEP THE BIG WAR WAITING, HUH?

OOH! OH.

BYE.

WHY, YOU SNEAKY, SLIMY, CREEPY BUM.

I THINK HE'S CHARMING.

SNEAK IN WHILE MY LIFE IS DANGLING

BY A THREAD.

OH, I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS.

TOM, I TOLD YOU--

NO MORE PRESENTS, PLEASE.

PLEASE. IT'S A LITTLE TOKEN

OF MY ESTEEM.

OH.

HUH?

OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

IT WAS MY MOTHER'S.

OH, TOM, YOU ARE CRAZY.

JULIE, I...

I AM SORRY.

I'M ON DUTY NOW.

Tom: JULIE?

YES?

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

I REALLY DO.

DO?

LOVE YOU.

MAY I?

WHY DO I HAVE THE DISTINCT IMPRESSION

THAT I HAVE BEEN THE SUBJECT

OF A LITTLE CHARACTER ASSASSINATION?

THERE'S BEEN SOME TARGET PRACTICE.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WAS SAID,

BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU

THAT WHEN IT COMES TO THE FAIRER SEX,

MY BEHAVIOR HAS ALWAYS BEEN

RESPECTFUL, CONSIDERATE,

AND TOTALLY LECHEROUS.

MAY I ASK, CAPTAIN,

WITH EVERYBODY MAKING LOVE,

WHO'S FIGHTING THE WAR?

LET'S NOT TALK SHOP.

OR BETTER STILL, LET'S--

OVER A CIVILIZED DINNER

AT A CHARMING PLACE

I HAVE MANAGED TO UNCOVER.

WHICH DO YOU PREFER--

I'M WASHING MY HAIR, OR I HAVE ANOTHER DATE?

PICK YOU UP AT 6:00?

WHY DO YOU HAVE SO LITTLE CONFIDENCE?

IT ALL STEMS FROM A RATHER PRAGMATIC FEELING

THAT LEMON DROP SOUP,

SCAMPI CLOAKED IN THE SHEEREST BATTER,

AND A FAIRLY PALATABLE ESPRESSO--

EVEN WITH ME--

IS PREFERABLE TO A PLATE OF HASH

AT THE NURSES' MESS.

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

YOU DO SPEAK ITALIAN.

WELL, JUST ENOUGH

TO GET MY FACE SLAPPED.

WHEN IS TOM DUE TO BE RELEASED?

THE DOCTOR SAID SOMETHING ABOUT WEDNESDAY.

WEDNESDAY. HMM.

ANOTHER BRANDY?

NO, THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW OLD TOM'S HAD 58 MISSIONS?

I'D SAY HIS NERVES ARE DESPERATELY IN NEED

OF A RETUNING.

HE SEEMS FINE TO ME.

WELL, PERHAPS,

BUT AS HIS FLIGHT COMMANDER,

I'M AFRAID I'LL HAVE TO RECOMMEND

A SOLID MONTH IN JAPAN

AWAY FROM ANY UNDUE STIMULATION,

AND I'M AFRAID, LIEUTENANT,

THAT INCLUDES YOU.

I THINK THAT'S FOR A DOCTOR TO DECIDE.

EXACTLY.

HI THERE. FAN MAIL?

FROM TOM IN TOKYO.

NICE WORK, CAPTAIN.

WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

APOLOGIZE FOR SAVING HIS LIFE?

YOU GOT ANY IDEA WHAT 58 COMBAT MISSIONS

CAN DO TO A MAN--

THE STRAIN OF FLYING ON NOTHING BUT RAW NERVE?

WE CLOSE WITH THE ENEMY

ABOUT 500 MILES AN HOUR.

YOU'RE EITHER RAZOR-SHARP,

OR THEY PICK YOU UP WITH A BLOTTER.

THAT WON'T HAPPEN TO TOM, NO, SIR,

EVEN IF I HAVE TO KEEP HIM IN JAPAN FOR 6 MONTHS.

UH...

BY THE WAY,

I GOT A COUPLE OF INVITES

TO THE V.I.P. SECTION

OF THE USO TONIGHT.

I WAS GOING TO ASK YOU,

BUT PERHAPS YOU'D RATHER GO

WITH SOMEBODY YOU DON'T FIND

QUITE SO DISTASTEFUL.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I WANT TO TELL YOU

THAT THE POSTMEN HAVE A TERRIBLE TIME

DELIVERING PACKAGES HERE.

NOBODY WILL TAKE THEM. THEY JUST TURN AROUND AND RUN.

Hope: AS SOON AS I ANNOUNCED I WAS COMING HERE,

MY VACCINATION SPIT AT ME.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW, WE'D HAVE NEVER FOUND THIS PLACE

IF WE DIDN'T GET LOST.

AND PLEASE, WE DON'T WANT TOO MUCH APPLAUSE.

I'D HATE TO BE HELD OVER. OHH.

[LAUGHTER]

[GUNFIRE]

OH!

[AIRPLANE APPROACHING]

[GLASS BREAKS]

BED-CHECK CHARLIE.

TANK, WHEN YOU'RE UP THERE,

DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT...

ABOUT ANYTHING HAPPENING?

WHAT'S THE USE OF KIDDING?

THERE ISN'T ONE OF US

THAT DOESN'T THINK ABOUT IT--

THE TERROR--

THE COLD, NUMBING TERROR

THAT YOU'RE ALIVE AND WHOLE,

AND THEN...

ALL OF A SUDDEN, WITHOUT WARNING,

THERE YOU ARE,

MARRIED.

YOU DON'T REALLY THINK ABOUT IT?

IF I EVER DO GET THE BIG NOD,

JUST FIND A HIGH, SUNNY HILL

AND THROW A FEW RED ROSES

OUT TO SEA.

I PROMISE.

NOTHING'S GOING TO HAPPEN

TO THE OLD TANKER.

I WOULDN'T ALLOW IT.

PLEASE, TANK.

DON'T.

OH, I AM SO CONFUSED.

TOM?

AND ME?

WELL, IT'S THE WAR, JULIE.

EVERYTHING'S UPSIDE-DOWN.

THE TRICK IS NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

IT'S NOT THE WAR. IT'S ME.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED 2 OF EVERYTHING.

AS A LITTLE GIRL,

I WAS AFRAID TO LOSE WHAT I LOVED.

WITH 2 THINGS,

YOU'RE-- YOU'RE ALWAYS SAFER.

2 BLUE BLANKETS,

2 PUPPY DOGS, 2 PUSSYCATS.

YOU'D HAVE BEEN A SMASH ON THE ARK.

[AIRPLANE FLIES OVER]

AH, THIS WAR'S GETTING OUT OF HAND.

I SWEAR, ALL THEM PEOPLE THINK ABOUT

IS FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT.

TRY THIS FOR SIZE.

WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?

INSTANT MOTEL.

I BET YOU HAVE VERY FEW VACANCIES.

WELL, I KEEP A PRIVATE STOCK

AT MY PLACE

FOR DISCRIMINATING CLIENTELE.

AREN'T NURSES FORBIDDEN IN OFFICERS' QUARTERS

AFTER 9 P.M.?

SOME NURSES...

AND SOME OFFICERS

WITH NO IMAGINATION AND NO BACK DOOR.

WE MUSTN'T.

WE SHOULDN'T.

WE CAN'T.

CAN'T?

I'M ON LATE DUTY TONIGHT.

WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW NIGHT?

NO.

NO?

NO LATE DUTY.

[GONG SOUNDS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

AH, GLEETINGS, HONORABLE GUEST.

YOU PUNCTUALITY ONLY EXCEEDED

BY YOU GLACIOUS AND HEAVENRY PLESENCE.

HONORABLE GUEST WOULD LIKE TO KNOW

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

WELCOME HOME, BUDDY BOY.

UH, YES. IT'S A PARTY FOR YOU.

HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS COMING?

HMM? HUH? I HAVE MY SOURCES.

THERE'S A GANG OF THE FELLAHS OVER AT THE CLUB.

I THINK YOU SHOULD GET OVER THERE

BECAUSE I HAVE TO CHANGE MY CLOTHES.

I'LL JOIN YOU IN 5 MINUTES.

LET ME GET MY COAT AND BAG DOWN.

I BROUGHT YOU A PRESENT.

DID YOU MAKE THAT WITH YOUR OWN LITTLE HANDS?

HOW SWEET. WE SHOULD RUSH

BECAUSE WE MUSTN'T KEEP THOSE BOYS WAITING.

THIS IS A PARTY FOR YOU AND YOUR HOMECOMING,

AND I THINK YOU SHOULD--

YOU LOOK GREAT, KID.

WHY NOT?

I HAD 86,000 HOURS OF SLEEP.

WELL, YOU NEEDED IT.

I MEAN, YOU WERE SICK, YOU KNOW.

YOU HAD PRESSURES

ON ALL THEM OPTIC NERVES.

HOW IS SHE?

SHE?

YES--JULIE, MY ALMOST GIRL.

OH, JULIE PERONI.

NO--PARODI.

WELL, I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUDDY BOY,

BUT SHE'S MISS FRIGIDAIRE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HER, THEN?

WHO NEEDS HER? WE GOT 3 NURSES IN FROM AUSTRALIA.

YOU THINK KANGAROOS JUMP.

THESE KIDS ARE BREAKING RECORDS EVERY NIGHT.

LISTEN, THAT JULIE, SHE'S DEADWOOD, SOGGY OATMEAL.

AAH! AAH!

NURSE PERONI, DON'T YOU KNOW NURSES ARE FORBIDDEN

IN OFFICERS' QUARTERS AFTER 9 P.M.?

OH, TOM!

WELL...

WHY DON'T YOU TWO ENJOY

YOUR CHINESE NEW YEAR?

I'M GOING DOWN TO THE CLUB.

TOM, PLEASE.

WHY...

ARE YOU BOTH SO NICE?

Julie: OH, I AM TERRIBLE--

A TERRIBLE GIRL.

YOU WENT AWAY, AND...

AND TANK NEEDED ME,

AND I...

NOW YOU'RE BACK,

AND I SEE YOUR LITTLE BOY FACE...

AND AGAIN FOR YOU I FEEL...

OH...

OH, I AM SO MIXED UP.

AM I IN...IN LOVE WITH 2 MEN?

OR IS THE SAME THING HAPPENING AGAIN--

2 BLUE BLANKETS AND 2 PUSSYCATS?

MOTHER GOOSE TO WHISKEY ROMEO 4.

WHAT'S ON YOUR TWISTED LITTLE MIND?

NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK ON THE WING.

SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

Tom: NO HOLDS BARRED, BUDDY BOY.

I OWE YOU A LARGE ONE.

Tank: ALL RIGHT, SO I GAVE YOU THE SHAFT.

IF IT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND,

AND YOU HANDED IT TO ME, WOULD I COMPLAIN?

I'D EXPECT IT.

REMEMBER THAT WHEN IT HAPPENS.

HEY, MIGS AT 1:00.

[GUNFIRE]

WHISKEY ROMEO 4 TO MOTHER GOOSE.

WHERE ARE YOU?

WHISKEY ROMEO 4 TO MOTHER GOOSE.

TANK!

CAN YOU READ ME? TANK, CAN YOU READ ME?

WHISKEY ROMEO 4 TO BLUE FLIGHT CONTROL.

MOTHER GOOSE INTO THE DRINK

6 MILES EAST OF POINT X-RAY.

I HATE TO SAY THIS, BUT IF YOU HAVEN'T

HEARD ANYTHING YET...

WE'LL STICK AROUND A LITTLE WHILE YET.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

OH, GOOD NIGHT, BARNEY.

GOOD NIGHT, GILROY.

CAUGHT 40 WINKS THERE.

LIEUTENANT, WHY DON'T YOU GO TO BED?

YOU HEARD WHAT MILLICAN SAID.

IF WE HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING BY NOW...

[TYPING]

Tom: S.S. DAKOTA.

"CAPTAIN T. MARTIN RESCUED-- PROCEEDING MANILA."

"REQUIRES MINIMUM HOSPITAL--ONE MONTH"!

I KNEW THEY COULDN'T GET HIM.

HE'S TOO MEAN TO DIE.

I HAD A FUNNY FEELING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.

YOU'RE BURNING THE MESSAGE.

WE NEVER GOT THE MESSAGE.

OH, YEAH. I S--

WE NEVER GOT THE MESSAGE.

[ORGAN PLAYING HYMN]

OK, LET ME HAVE THE ROSES.

LET HIM FLY, GILROY.

TOM, YOU'RE GOING TO SAY A FEW WORDS.

OH, YEAH.

YES, OF COURSE I AM. CERTAINLY.

TANKER, THIS IS GOING TO BE

SHORT AND SWEET,

JUST THE WAY YOU'D LIKE IT.

YOU'RE GONE FROM US NOW,

BUT WE KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.

UM, YOU'RE UP THERE

WITH THE CELESTIAL SQUADRON.

MAY YOU HAVE ANGELS AT 12:00 HIGH

AND HEAVEN AS YOUR COPILOT.

MAY YOUR SKIES BE CLOUDLESS

AND YOUR JET NEVER FLAME OUT.

YOU'RE FLYING WITH THE BIG ONES NOW,

BUT IN MY BOOK,

YOU'RE THE BIGGEST OF THEM ALL.

WELL, TANKER,

WHISKEY ROMEO 4...

TO MOTHER GOOSE.

OVER AND OUT.

GILROY, LET THEM FLY.

SEEMS LIKE HE JUST DON'T WANNA GO.

[MENDELSSOHN'S WEDDING MARCH PLAYING]

MISS SIEVER.

YES, CAPTAIN?

I'D LIKE TO SEND A TELEGRAM.

TO?

LIEUTENANT THOMAS FERRIS,

KIMPO AIR BASE, KOREA.

MESSAGE?

JUST 3 WORDS.

"CONGRATULATIONS, RAT FINK"?

IT'S TANK! HE'S ALIVE!

HEY! HOW ABOUT THAT?

Parker: SO BY THE USE OF THESE METHODS,

WE RAISED OUR TACTICAL ADVANTAGE.

EXPERIENCED PILOTS BEGAN TEACHING STUDENT PILOTS

AT NELLIS AIR FORCE BASE.

SO WE GOT NEW PILOTS

WITH FIRSTHAND KNOWLEDGE

OF AERIAL COMBAT TACTICS.

I ONLY HOPE I'M NOT TOO LATE TO STOP IT.

YOU AREN'T TOO LATE TO STOP...

TOO LATE TO STOP WHAT?

THAT BEDROOM COMMANDO AND MY WIFE.

14 YEARS HE'S WAITED...

FERRIS. FERRIS!

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

Tom: UH, YES. NO. UH, UH,

SIR, I HAVE A TERRIBLE HEADACHE,

A MIGRAINE.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME?

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I TELL YOU, SIR, I THINK IT'S RIDICULOUS.

I TELL YOU, TANK MARTIN

KNOWS WE BURNED THAT TELETYPE.

WELL, HOW COULD HE?

DOES THE NAME BARNEY MILLICAN

MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

YEAH, BUT WHAT HAS THAT GOT TO DO

WITH HIM KNOWING ABOUT THE TELEGRAM?

IS TANK MARTIN STATIONED AT EDWARDS?

RIGHT.

IS BARNEY MILLICAN

THE COMMUNICATION OFFICER AT EDWARDS?

THAT'S RIGHT.

BACK IN KOREA,

WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF THE TELETYPE?

BARNEY MILLICAN.

I REST MY CASE.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL BUY THAT.

WHAT ABOUT TANK MARTIN?

IF TANK MARTIN IS SO HOT ON REVENGE,

THEN HOW COME FIRST HE'S GOING AROUND TOWN

DOING SOME CHORES?

CHORES?

YES.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT KIND OF CHORES--

A MAGNUM OF CHAMPAGNE,

A BOTTLE OF APHRODISIAC PERFUME,

3 DOZEN ROSES.

NOTHING.

2 ALBUMS OF SEXY AFRICAN DRUM MUSIC.

THAT'S SOMETHING.

UH.

DON'T TELL ME ABOUT DORIAN GRAY.

I STUDIED UNDER HIM. HERE--PULL OVER.

I GOT SOME CHORES OF MY OWN I WANT TO DO.

YES, SIR.

ALL RIGHT. KEEP THE CHANGE.

[RINGS DOORBELL]

AHEM.

[WOOF WOOF WOOF]

KEEP QUIET.

IS MRS. FERRIS AT HOME?

TANK!

JULIE. HA HA!

OH, TANK! HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA!

[WOOF WOOF]

WHAT--WHAT A MARVELOUS SURPRISE!

AND--AND LOOK AT ME.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?

WELL, I JUST GOT MY ORDERS YESTERDAY.

OH, TANK, TANK,

YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT.

YOU AND-- AND CARY GRANT.

IF HE ONLY HAD MY CHARM. HOW'S THE BOYFRIEND?

OH, FINE. HE'LL BE SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU.

HE'S LEAVING FOR COPENHAGEN IN AN HOUR.

I'M JUST PACKING FOR HIM.

COME UP WHILE I FINISH.

[DOGS BARK]

NOW, YOU BE GOOD, EH?

STILL 2 OF EVERYTHING, HUH?

WHY NOT?

YOU WAIT HERE.

[GROWLING]

SHH! SHH!

[BARKING]

MM-HMM.

[DOG WHINING]

Tom: I SUPPOSE IT ISN'T HAPPENING, GILROY.

IN MY OWN HOUSE, IN MY OWN BEDROOM.

WHY DID THEY CLOSE THE DOOR?

TO KEEP THE DOGS OUT? DON'T GIVE ME THAT.

IT'S THE OLDEST STORY IN THE BOOK:

MAID'S DAY OFF, HUSBAND AT THE OFFICE.

THEY PLANNED IT BEAUTIFULLY.

IF I HAD ANY GUTS, I'D GET MY GUN,

AND I'D GO IN THERE, I'D KILL THEM BOTH!

AND I TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE...

NO JURY WOULD CONVICT ME.

TOM!

DON'T TOM ME! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PACKING!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

YOU'RE GOING.

I AM? WHERE?

TO COPENHAGEN.

WHAT?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOUR HAND?

OH! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

LOOK WHO IS HERE.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

OK, YOU LOOK GREAT.

I SEE YOU'RE A FULL BULL.

THEY TELL ME

YOU'RE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN LONDON?

I'M ON A JUNKET FOR THE BIG BRASS.

A FINE DAY HE PICKED.

THE HOUSE A MESS. MAID DAY OFF.

AND I LOOK LIKE...

OH, WHAT ARE YOU...

SHE LOOKS FINE, DOESN'T SHE?

SHE COULD DO NOTHING,

SHE'D BE A MILE AHEAD.

OH, I LOVE YOU MADLY!

SAVOY HOTEL, ROOM 717.

CUTE. YEAH, THAT'S FUNNY.

TOM, YOUR PAJAMAS AND BATHROBE.

I'LL GET YOUR SHIRTS NOW.

♪ LA LA LA LA ♪

OH, HEY, DON'T FORGET YOUR NOSE DROPS...

AND YOUR MUFFLER.

[HUMMING]

MMM...WHAT A GIRL.

YEAH.

WHAT'S THIS COPENHAGEN BUSINESS?

THAT'S CLASSIFIED.

I GO EVERY COUPLE OF WEEKS,

AND THEN A SIDE TRIP TO REYKJAVIK.

THAT'S NORTH OF THE 60th PARALLEL.

THEY DIDN'T GRAB YOU

FOR THAT ARCTIC SURVIVAL COURSE?

NOT YET. NOBODY CHECKED MY FILES.

I HEAR IT'S A BRUTE!

HOW IS IT WE HAVEN'T CROSSED WIRES UP TILL NOW?

WELL, YOU AND JULIE WAS ALL OVER THE MAP,

AND I WAS SHAKING THE RIVETS

OUT OF THAT X-SERIES.

HOW ARE THINGS UP AT EDWARDS?

TOLERABLE.

HOW'S BARNEY?

WHO?

YOU REMEMBER HIM. BARNEY MILLICAN.

COMMUNICATIONS IN KOREA.

OH, YEAH. TELETYPE, SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

YEAH. THAT'S THE GUY.

YEAH. TERRIFIC LIAR.

YEAH?

YOU GUYS BUDDIES?

WHO?

YOU AND MILLICAN.

WHAT'S ALL THIS MILLICAN JAZZ?

I'M HARDLY ON THE BASE.

I CIRCULATE AMONGST THE SOFT PEOPLE--

LADIES--REMEMBER?

HOW'S THE ACTION?

RELENTLESS.

I GOT A LITTLE THING FROM PARIS

FLYING IN TONIGHT.

DOES SHE LOVE HER COUNTRY?

SHE'S THE GREATEST LITTLE PATRIOT

SINCE JOAN OF ARC.

[HUMMING LA MARSEILLAISE]

YOU LOOK GREAT.

Gilroy: OH, COLONEL FERRIS!

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT IS IT, GILROY? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?

IT'S 4:00. YOU WANT TO CANCEL COPENHAGEN?

CANCEL? WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO

A STUPID THING LIKE THAT?

GILROY, WOULD YOU PLEASE PUT THESE

IN THE COLONEL'S BAG?

YES, MA'AM.

AND LATER, DELIVER THESE.

DELIVER THESE?

DELIVER THEM?

AREN'T THEY FOR THE GENERAL'S WIFE?

NO, MY DARLING. THEY'RE FOR YOU, OF COURSE.

FOR ME?

MM-HMM.

ALL OF THESE?

MM-HMM. IF A FELLOW CAN'T BE EXTRAVAGANT

WITH HIS GIRL ONCE IN A WHILE...

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

OH, LILLIAN?

NO, NO, NO, NO, I'M SORRY.

I'M NOT GOING TONIGHT,

NOT WITHOUT TOM.

IS THAT THE PARTY FOR THE PARKERS?

CAPTAIN PHILLIPS?

HE'S AWFULLY SWEET, BUT...

BUT YOU'VE GOT TO GO!

NOT WITH BUSY FINGERS PHILLIPS!

EXCUSE ME, DARLING.

TANK, WOULD YOU GO?

WOULD YOU DRAG AN OLD MARRIED LADY?

WHERE? WHO? TANK?

TOM, YOU DON'T MIND, DO YOU?

OH, NO, NO, I DON'T MIND.

IT'S JUST THAT--UNLESS YOU DON'T WANT TO GO.

YOU SAID I'VE GOT TO GO.

OH, I DID?

YEAH. I FORGOT. OF COURSE.

DON'T YOU HAVE SOME PLANS--

A FRENCH MOVIE OR SOMETHING?

I DID.

IT SHOULD BE A NICE PARTY.

COME ON, TANK. WE'LL HAVE A GOOD TIME. HMM?

ALL RIGHT. I'D LOVE TO.

OH, THANK YOU.

OH, LILLIAN, I'M COMING AFTER ALL.

NO. I JUST RAN INTO AN OLD FRIEND--

WITH A TRUCK.

GOOD-BYE, DARLING.

COLONEL, THE PLANE.

YES. TANK, I'LL DROP YOU.

TOM?

NOW WHAT?

YOU DIDN'T FORGET SOMETHING?

OH, NO, NO. I GOT IT RIGHT HERE.

LOOK UNDER "K."

UNDER "K"?

FOR A KISS GOOD-BYE, DARLING.

YES. KISS GOOD-BYE. OF COURSE.

THE HONEYMOON JUST WON'T STOP.

WHY DON'T YOU CALL DORIS PARKER

AND TAKE HER TO THE MOVIES OR SHOPPING

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

GOOD-BYE.

YOU'RE SURE YOU DON'T WANT

TO GIVE HER THE ROSES?

OF COURSE NOT, MY DARLING.

THEY'RE YOURS.

YOU CAN GIVE HER A DOZEN IF YOU--

DO WHATEVER YOU WISH.

HALF A DOZEN.

[DRUMS PLAYING]

♪ DANCE WITH DADDY, BABY ♪

♪ YOU ARE MY BABY ♪

♪ HEY, BABY, BABY ♪

♪ NO SHAKES, NO SWINGS, NOT THAT ♪

♪ NOT WITH MY WIFE, YOU DON'T! ♪

♪ OH, WHOA ♪

♪ OH OH ♪

♪ IT NEVER SHOWS THAT ♪

HA HA HA HA!

HI!

AH! YEAH! HA HA!

♪ NOT ALL THOSE THINGS, NOT THAT ♪

♪ NOT WITH MY WIFE, YOU DON'T! ♪

♪ NO, YOU DON'T ♪

♪ NO, YOU DON'T ♪

HO! HOO!

[APPLAUSE]

IF IT WASN'T FOR THE MUSIC,

WE'D ALL GET ARRESTED.

LISTEN, JULIE...

THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN MEANING

TO TELL YOU ALL NIGHT.

YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ZEBRA

I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

MY PRINCE CHARMING.

WELL, LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY--

TOM IS A VERY LUCKY MAN.

I THINK HE WON'T BE TOO HAPPY

ABOUT MY LEAVING THE PARTY.

WHAT PARTY? IT WAS A WAKE.

WHAT WILL GENERAL PARKER THINK?

WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS?

YOU CAN'T SPEND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE

POLISHING THE BRASS.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH.

WHEN, UH...

WE FOUND OUT YOU WERE ALIVE,

I WROTE THE HOSPITAL IN MANILA.

YOU DIDN'T ANSWER.

DIDN'T SEEM TO BE TOO MUCH POINT.

TOM TOOK IT VERY HARD.

WHAT? THAT I WAS DEAD OR ALIVE?

THAT NIGHT, HE PRAYED YOU'D BE RESCUED.

HE SPENT ALL NIGHT

WITH GILROY AT THE TELETYPE.

TELETYPE?

AND THEN, TOM AND I, WE GOT MARRIED.

YEAH. JUST WHEN I NEEDED YOU.

THERE I WAS, FLAT ON MY BACK

IN THAT BUG-INFESTED HOSPITAL.

NO COLOR TELEVISION,

NO PLUG FOR MY ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH.

IT WAS HELL, I'M TELLING YOU.

TANK, YOU NEVER NEEDED ME.

YOU NEVER NEEDED ANYONE--

EXCEPT TANK MARTIN.

WE DO GET ALONG PRETTY WELL.

I THINK HE'S THE GREATEST,

AND HE THINKS I'M THE GREATEST.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

NO. THAT WAS SOMEONE ELSE.

TRY THIS FOR SIZE.

WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?

INSTANT MOTEL.

I BET YOU HAVE VERY FEW VACANCIES.

I KEEP A PRIVATE STOCK

FOR A--

A DISCRIMINATING CLIENTELE.

JULIE...

WITH TOM AND ME, IT'S ALWAYS BEEN

ANYTHING GOES, YOU KNOW?

THIS IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

LET'S NOT GET IN OVER OUR HEADS, HMM?

WELL...

I HAVE TO GET UP AT 5:00.

WHEN...

WHEN WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN?

WELL, IT WON'T BE ANOTHER 14 YEARS, I PROMISE.

I, UH...

KNOW MY WAY TO THE DOOR.

GOOD NIGHT, TANK.

GOOD-BYE, TANK.

GREAT LITTLE COUPLE, THE FERRISES.

REALLY CRAZY ABOUT EACH OTHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

NEVER AN EYE FOR ANYBODY ELSE.

STRAIGHT UP.

THEY'VE BEEN LIKE THAT SINCE THEY WERE MARRIED.

WHY THE COMMERCIAL?

HUH?

YOU KNOW, GILROY, I FORGOT.

I GOT REGARDS FOR YOU.

FOR ME?

YEAH, FROM OLD BARNEY.

BARNEY?

BARNEY MILLICAN.

BARNEY MILLICAN.

DO I KNOW HIM?

YOU REMEMBER, GILROY.

TELETYPES, KOREA?

OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH.

BARNEY MILLICAN. YES.

LITTLE GUY, THIN HAIR, CROSS-EYED.

TALL GUY, FAT HAIR, 20-20.

GILROY, MILLICAN TOLD ME THE WHOLE STORY.

EVERYTHING?

EVERYTHING.

TELETYPE?

HOW WE... BURNED IT, SIR.

THAT BIGMOUTH.

UH...UH... NO HARD FEELINGS, SIR.

YOU KIDDIN'? COLONEL FERRIS AND I

HAVE BEEN LAUGHING ABOUT IT ALL DAY.

ISN'T HE A GREAT LITTLE GUY?

GIVE YOU THE KNIFE

RIGHT OUT OF YOUR BACK.

SIR, HE CERTAINLY WOULD.

HE...WOULD.

ALL WE CAN DO IS USE THAT EXTENSION

TO PROTECT ZONE TWO FROM ONE.

I CAN'T DECIDE THAT UNTIL I TALK TO LONDON.

I'LL BE IN TOUCH.

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.

LIEUTENANT. GOOD-BYE.

SEE YOU NEXT TIME IN COPENHAGEN.

GOOD-BYE.

LET'S SEE--

ONE GLASS DECANTER,

ONE SET OF STAINLESS STEEL CUTLERY,

ONE DANISH CORKSCREW,

AND ONE DOZEN MARINATED FISHBALLS.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

YES?

IS THAT MY SMORGASBORD?

NO, SIR. YOUR ORDERS.

I DIDN'T ORDER ANY ORDERS.

YOU'VE BEEN ASSIGNED TO ARCTIC SURVIVAL, LABRADOR.

THE LAST PLANE THIS MONTH LEAVES IN 17 MINUTES.

17 MINUTES? I THINK YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG MAN.

YOU'VE HIT IT LUCKY. WE JUST GOT A WEATHER REPORT.

IT'S ONLY 27 BELOW.

THE WIND'S JUST UNDER GALE FORCE,

AND THERE'S NO FREEZING FOG.

YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG MAN.

WE'VE GOT TO GO.

WAIT! LET ME GET MY DANISH CORKSCREW!

THERE ARE LOTS OF ESKIMOS THERE.

WHAT ABOUT MY MARINATED FISHBALLS?

HAVE YOU TRIED THEIR WHALE BLUBBER?

IT'S WONDERFUL.

WAIT A MINUTE!

HELLO, TANK?

TANK, IT'S ME, TOM.

WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M IN LABRADOR.

THEY'VE GOT ME ON ARCTIC SURVIVAL.

TSK. NO KIDDING!

NO.

THE ORDER WAS SIGNED BY GENERAL PARKER.

TALK TO HIM. GET ME OUT OF THIS.

HOLD ON. DON'T PUSH THE PANIC BUTTON.

THIS MUST MEAN YOUR PROMOTION'S IN THE BAG

AND PARKER WANTS YOUR RECORD CLEAN. THAT'S ALL.

YOU REALLY THINK SO?

WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE?

JULIE WAS COUNTING ON THAT TRIP TO ROME

WITH THE BRASS.

SEE IF YOU CAN GET HER INVITED ALONG.

BUDDY, THAT'S A PRETTY TALL ORDER.

SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT JULIE GOING.

I'D CONSIDER IT A BIG FAVOR.

WELL, I'LL DO MY BEST.

AFTER ALL, OLD BUDDY, I REALLY DO OWE YOU ONE.

RIGHT, TANK. SEE YOU LATER.

REALLY DO OWE YOU ONE?

NAH!

[SONIC BOOM]

OH, IT'S MARVELOUS.

[DOGS BARKING]

Driver: MUSH! MUSH! MUSH!

MUSH! MUSH!

MUSH. THEY REALLY SAY IT.

HOW ARE YOU DOING, COLONEL?

I'M FROZEN STIFF.

GOOD. WE'LL BE THERE SOON.

MUSH!

[DRIVER] WHOA!

WHOA, BABIES! WHOA!

[HUMMING ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT]

WELL...

THIS IS IT!

THIS IS WHAT?

HOME FOR THE NEXT 2 WEEKS.

HERE YOU ARE, SIR.

WHAT'S THIS FOR?

SNOW BLOCKS FOR AN IGLOO.

IGLOO?

THAT'S RIGHT, SIR.

IGLOOS ARE FOR ESKIMOS. WE'RE PEOPLE.

HA HA HA HA! THAT'S GOOD, SIR.

YOU LIKE THAT?

A SENSE OF HUMOR IS VERY ESSENTIAL OUT HERE,

ESPECIALLY WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, SIR,

AND IT'S GOING TO GET TOUGH, SIR.

YEAH. UH-HUH. RIGHT. GOT IT.

[HUMMING]

[DOGS HOWL]

Man: BETTER COME INSIDE, COLONEL.

GETS A BIT NIPPY OUT THERE.

SORRY, FELLOWS.

I'M TAKING A ROOM FOR THE NIGHT.

UH...UH.

YOU'LL LIKE IT IN HERE, COLONEL.

IT'S GETTING NICE AND TOASTY.

NICE AND TOASTY.

SERGEANT, HOW HOT CAN YOU GET IT IN HERE?

WITH OUR BODY HEAT AND THIS CANDLE,

WE CAN GET IT ALL THEY WAY UP TO 10.

ABOVE?

BELOW.

SERGEANT, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

DO YOU KNOW IF TEARS FREEZE?

HA HA HA!

NOW, TAKE THE PARACHUTE CLOTH

AND SPREAD IT RIGHT OUT HERE

ON THE FLOOR.

NOW GET THE SLEEPING BAG

AND PUT IT RIGHT ON TOP OF IT.

RIGHT. SLEEPING BAG ON TOP.

NOW, KEEP IT CLEAN, DRY, AND FLUFFED UP

TO GIVE MAXIMUM WARMTH.

FLUFFED UP FOR MAXIMUM WARMTH.

THE ESSENTIAL IS TO STAY DRY.

NOW, LET ME LOOK INTO YOUR EYES, COLONEL.

UH...I BEG YOUR PARDON, SERGEANT?

MM-HMM.

SERGEANT, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?

WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

STAY AWAY FROM ME! STAY AWAY FROM ME!

I'M CHECKING FOR FROSTBITE, SIR.

THE FIRST DEADLY SYMPTOM

IS NUMBNESS RATHER THAN PAIN.

WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?

WHAT DO YOU FEEL?

OW! PAIN!

YOU'LL TELL ME WHEN THERE'S NUMBNESS?

WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THE PAIN?

THAT'S TRUE, SIR.

[MUMBLING]

UH!

YOU ALL RIGHT, SIR?

YEAH. FINE.

HEY!

A-A TELEPHONE.

HELLO? COULD I HAVE LONG DISTANCE?

NO. IT'S A RADIO TRANSMITTER FOR EMERGENCIES.

I CAN'T CALL MY WIFE?

SIR, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE CRASHED OUT HERE.

NOW WE HAVE TO SURVIVE.

IT'S US AGAINST THEM.

THEM?

THE ELEMENTS.

YOU KNOW...

THE COLD, GANGRENE, PNEUMONIA, AND TULAREMIA.

WHAT WAS THE LAST ONE?

TULAREMIA.

YOU GET THAT FROM EATING INFECTED ANIMALS.

WELL, MAYBE YOU WOULD.

WE MAY DO IT BY ACCIDENT, SIR.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S LOADED WITH TOXIC VITAMIN A?

WHAT'S LOADED WITH TOXIC VITAMIN A?

THE LIVER OF THE BEARDED WALRUS.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

NO, SIR.

THERE GOES THE COCKTAIL DIP.

SIR, AT FIRST, IT'LL BE A BIT ROUGH,

BUT IN A WEEK OR SO,

YOU'LL FALL IN LOVE WITH THE PLACE.

YOU'LL BE A WHIZ

AT DRESSING INSIDE YOUR SLEEPING BAG,

SHAVING IN YOUR LEFTOVER COFFEE.

YOU'LL FIND EVEN I'M APT TO GROW ON YOU.

SERGEANT, LET'S NOT ASK FOR MIRACLES.

RIGHT.

[HUMMING ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT]

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]

♪ ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT ♪

♪ GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM ♪

♪ MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY ♪

COLONEL!

COLONEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE GOING TO GET WET.

GIVE ME YOUR HAND!

IF YOU WANT TO GO AND PLAY,

DON'T FEEL YOU'RE STUCK HERE WITH MAMMA.

NO, I'LL STAY WITH MAMMA.

MAMMA MIA!

I BOUGHT THIS SUIT FOR MY HUSBAND.

IT'LL NEVER FIT HIM.

DARLING?

AAH!

[LAUGHTER]

WASN'T THERE SOMETHING

ABOUT NOT GETTING IN OVER OUR HEADS?

MAYBE THAT WON'T BE SO EASY.

COME ON!

LAST ONE IN IS A ROTTEN PIZZA.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

HI.

GOOD EVENING.

OH, YOU RUINED EVERYTHING.

YOU TOOK THE OIL OFF.

THANK YOU.

IT'S A LONG TIME

SINCE I'VE BEEN INVITED

TO AN OFFICER'S QUARTERS.

WELL, I...

I'M FRESH OUT OF JAPANESE LANTERNS.

UM...

DID YOU HAVE A NICE DAY?

MM-HMM. YOU?

LITTLE WORK...

LITTLE SHOPPING.

I COULDN'T GET 2 BLUE BLANKETS,

SO YOU'LL HAVE TO BE SATISFIED

WITH 2 PUSSYCATS.

THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU--

IN MY ROOM IN KOREA.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW TOM WAS COMING BACK

FROM TOKYO, DID YOU?

I HAD OTHER PLANS FOR THAT EVENING.

SO DID I.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

EXCUSE ME.

YEAH?

YEAH, JOHN. YEAH, SURE, YES.

I'VE GOT TO TAKE CARE OF IT RIGHT NOW.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. I APPRECIATE YOUR CALLING.

ALL RIGHT. BYE.

BLINKY WILLIAMS,

WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO FLY A SLOT FOR ME TOMORROW,

GOT HIMSELF BUSTED UP IN A CAR WRECK.

I'VE GOT TO GO PULL ONE OF MY SOLO BOYS

AND BRIEF HIM ON TOMORROW'S GIG.

THAT'S TERRIBLE. I AM SO SORRY.

NO, NO, NO. I'M SORRY.

LOOK, I'LL TRY TO BE A FEW HOURS AT MOST.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I--I'LL GO SOMEPLACE-- A MOVIE.

JULIE, I REALLY AM AWFULLY SORRY.

TANK...

THE WINE WILL KEEP.

I'M BE RIGHT BACK AS SOON AS I CAN.

JOIN THE AIR FORCE WIDOWS.

[MAN SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[WOMAN SPEAKING ITALIAN]

BELLA.

NON. NON, VITTORIO. NON DEVI. NON DEVI.

TI ADORO. TI ADORO.

OOH, ISN'T HE WONDERFUL?

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[THROWS BOTTLE]

AH!

AHA!

[GUNSHOTS]

ARRIVEDERCI, MONDO.

[GUNSHOT]

JULIE.

OH, TOM.

JULIE.

STAND BY, SMOKE.

SMOKE ON. READY...

NOW.

AND ROLL. READY? NOW.

HOW ABOUT IT, CHIEF? ARE YOU STILL WITH US?

OH, YEAH. UH...

THE DIAMOND ROLL IS NEXT. STAND BY TO SMOKE.

SMOKE ON. READY?

NOW.

WE NEVER PRACTICED THAT ONE.

YOU OK, BOSS?

I'M SORRY, GANG.

I...I HIT THE SPEED BRAKES.

LOOK, I, UH...I THINK WE'VE HAD IT FOR TODAY.

LET'S JOIN UP AND LAND, HUH?

DELICIOUS. DELICIOUS.

WHAT KIND OF SOUP DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

PUREE OF BLUBBER.

SHE'S REALLY A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, SIR.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, DOGERTY, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

WE'VE BEEN SEPARATED IN 14 YEARS.

GOT ANY KIDS, SIR?

I'D DO ANYTHING IF I COULD HEAR HER VOICE.

I GOT 7-- ANOTHER ON THE WAY.

HAVE TO BUY A BIGGER TRAILER.

WHY NOT? WE GOT A RADIO.

I'M GOING TO CALL HER.

NO, SIR, YOU CAN'T!

IT'S ONLY FOR EMERGENCIES.

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

YOU CAN'T!

DON'T MAKE ME PULL RANK ON YOU.

NOW, SIT DOWN!

HI.

TANK.

THAT'S WHAT I AM. HIGH.

OH, TANK.

I WAS FLYING FORMATION.

YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT?

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS...

AND I PUNCHED THE WRONG BUTTON.

ALMOST KILLED MYSELF. HA HA HA!

AND TOOK 3 KIDS WITH ME.

ANYONE CAN MAKE A MISTAKE.

YEAH.

YEAH.

BUT...NOT AT 600 MILES AN HOUR.

JULIE...

YOU THINK I'M OVER THE HILL?

YOU ARE JUST DISTRACTED.

NO GOOD.

YOU GOT TO THINK 2 MILES AHEAD

OF THE AIRPLANE.

OTHERWISE, YOU'VE HAD IT.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

YES?

WHAT?

LABRADOR? OH, IT'S TOM!

YES. YES--

OH, STAY. STAY.

YES, THIS IS MRS. FERRIS.

HELLO? HELLO?

HELLO?

[RADIO INTERFERENCE]

JULIE, ARE YOU THERE?

YES. YES, TOM. I CAN'T HEAR YOU VERY WELL.

[SHOUTING] JULIE, I MISS YOU TERRIBLY!

I MISS YOU VERY MUCH!

OH, TOM, I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

WAIT. WAIT. I THINK IT'S CLEARING.

YES, TOM. I CAN HEAR YOU NOW.

GOOD. HOW'S ROME?

OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

HOW'S TANK?

HE...HE IS FINE.

TOM...TOM, WHEN WILL YOU BE BACK?

IN ABOUT A WEEK OR SO. HOW ARE THE PARKERS?

HAVE YOU BEEN SEEING MUCH OF DORIS?

YEAH. WE WENT TO THE MOVIES LAST NIGHT.

OH, GOOD. GOOD THINKING. VERY GOOD.

OH, THAT REMINDS ME-- IN YOUR HOTEL,

THERE'S A LITTLE GIFT SHOP NAMED LUIGI'S.

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

YES, TOM, I CAN HEAR YOU.

THEY DO WONDERFUL HAND-PAINTED SCARVES.

WHY DON'T YOU GET DORIS A COUPLE?

TOM...TOM, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT DORIS.

I WANT TO HEAR THAT YOU MISS ME!

BE SURE YOU MENTION MY NAME TO LUIGI.

HE GIVES ME A GOOD DISCOUNT.

YOU CALLED 3,000 MILES

TO TALK ABOUT DISCOUNTS?

DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?

EVERY WORD.

GET YOURSELF SOMETHING, TOO, IF YOU WANT.

YES, TOM. THERE IS SOMETHING I WANT.

WHAT IS IT?

A DIVORCE.

FINE, FINE.

GO AHEAD AND GET YOURSELF A NICE...DIVORCE?

MAYBE YOU KNOW A LAWYER FOR A GOOD DISCOUNT.

DIVORCE?

TANK.

DOGERTY, WE'RE LEAVING!

THEY CAN BREAK YOU FOR THIS.

LET THEM BREAK ME. EVERYBODY UP.

LET ME HANDLE THE SLED.

I'LL TAKE THE SLED. CLIMB IN.

EVERYBODY UP ON THEIR PAWS. UP!

COLONEL, BETTER SLEEP ON IT.

THINGS MAY LOOK BETTER IN THE MORNING.

LOOK... TOMORROW MORNING,

WITH ANY LUCK AND 2 PLANE CONNECTIONS,

I'LL HAVE MY HANDS ON THE RAT

WHO STOLE MY WIFE!

ALL RIGHT, BOYS. EVERYBODY UP!

[CRACK]

ON, BLITZEN.

JULIUS, UP!

[BARKING]

MUSH!

WAIT...WAIT A MINUTE!

WAIT A MINUTE!

COLONEL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

COME BACK HERE!

COME BACK HERE! WILL YOU COME BACK HERE?

DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE RATHER ADORABLE?

HA HA! I AM A WOMAN.

WAS THERE EVER ANY DOUBT?

ONE NEEDS TO BE REMINDED.

OH, YEAH--WHAT DID OLD TOM HAVE TO SAY?

TOM? TOM WHO?

OH?

DID HE WANT TO KNOW DID I MISS HIM?

DID HE WANT TO KNOW DID I LOVE HIM?

DID HE SAY ONE SWEET SOMETHING

ABOUT--ABOUT ANYTHING?

OH, NO. NO.

WELL, I TOLD HIM WHAT HE COULD DO

WITH HIS SCARVES AND HIS DISCOUNTS,

AND I TOLD HIM A FEW OTHER THINGS, TOO.

[PLAYING PIANO]

LIKE WHAT?

LIKE I WANT A DIVORCE.

[PLAYS SOUR NOTES]

UH, JULIE...

I WANT TO BE A WOMAN.

HE WANTS TO BE A COLONEL.

I'D HATE TO THINK THAT I WAS...

OH, TANK, YOU MUST NOT FEEL RESPONSIBLE.

THERE'S NO OBLIGATION.

YOU MUST NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE.

MARRIAGE.

I'LL NEVER MARRY AGAIN.

GOOD.

I MEAN, THAT'S NATURAL.

WHAT AM I SAYING? MARRY?

HA HA HA!

OF COURSE I'LL MARRY.

AND SO WILL YOU.

MMM.

WHAT IS LIFE WITHOUT MARRIAGE?

WELL, IT'S, UH...

THE HARD THING IS TO MAKE MARRIAGE WORK,

TO BE...SENSIBLE, LIKE WE ARE.

WE CERTAINLY ARE.

FIRST...THERE HAVE GOT TO BE BABIES...

AND BABIES AND BABIES AND BABIES.

YOU MEAN CHILDREN-TYPE BABIES?

THEY GIVE MEANING TO LIFE.

YOU'LL SEE, TANK.

OH, YEAH. SURE.

WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE HOUSE WITH A GARDEN,

AND WE'LL GROW...

TOMATOES, BEANS, SPINACH...

EGGPLANT, RHUBARB, SUCCOTASH.

AND YOU WON'T FLY ANYMORE.

NO, OF COURSE NOT. NO.

YOU'LL HAVE A NICE JOB AT A DESK.

YOU'LL COME HOME AT 6:00,

KISS THE BABIES, WALK THE DOGS,

CUT THE GRASS...

AND AFTER DINNER, WE'LL DO THE DISHES.

JULIE...

YES?

THERE'S SOMETHING I WANTED TO ASK YOU.

I MEAN, THERE'S A QUESTION ON MY MIND.

YES, TANK?

UH...WELL, I FOUND OUT SOMETHING FROM GILROY.

GILROY?

YEAH. YOU KNOW GILROY.

THAT NIGHT I WAS SHOT DOWN IN KOREA,

TOM BURNED THE TELETYPE. HE KNEW I WAS ALIVE.

HE WAS BUYING TIME TO WIN YOU BACK.

THAT'S HOW MUCH HE LOVES YOU.

THAT'S--

THAT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING THING

I HAVE HEARD IN ALL MY LIFE.

YOU MUSTN'T JUDGE OLD TOM--

CHEAP...SICK... LOW...VICIOUS!

NOW, DON'T BLAME TOM.

TOM? I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU!

ME?

TOM DID A TERRIBLE THING,

BUT HE DID IT TO MARRY ME.

YOU...DO YOU WANT TO MARRY ME

OR JUST CRAWL INTO MY BED?

JULIE!

DON'T "JULIE" ME!

MRS. FERRIS!

OPEN THAT DOOR, OR I'LL SCREAM IT DOWN.

MARTIN.

UH, GOOD EVENING, GENERAL, SIR.

EVENING, HELL. IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

I'M CHANGING SUITES.

MINE'S SO DAMNED NOISY I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK.

YOU GOT QUIET OVER HERE?

YES, SIR. VERY QUIET.

I'M SORRY I LET YOU TALK ME INTO

SHIPPING TOM FERRIS OFF TO LABRADOR.

THAT MAN'S A GENIUS WITH HOTEL ROOMS.

WELL, I'LL TRY AND GET SOME SLEEP.

GOOD NIGHT, GENERAL, SIR.

YOU SENT TOM TO LABRADOR.

[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]

AAH!

NOW WHAT?

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME

TO LEAVE YOUR ROOM AT 3 A.M.

YOU TAKE THE BEDROOM.

I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING TOMORROW.

YOU BETTER!

YOU...YOU...

YOU...INSTANT MOTEL!

[SLAM]

AL, THANKS A LOT.

GILROY!

HEY! HOW ARE YOU?

WHAT FLIGHT HAVE YOU GOT ME ON?

THE ONLY ONE I COULD GET IS 12:00.

I'VE GOT TO GET OUT SOONER THAN THAT.

THE ONLY FLIGHT TO ROME IS 12:20--

[SPEAKING LOUDLY IN ARABIC]

THERE IS A FLIGHT AT 6:00,

BUT YOU WEREN'T HERE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

SIR, WILL YOU LISTEN? YOU CAN'T DO THIS!

SILENCE, EFFENDI! ALLAH

IN HIS INFINITE WISDOM WILL PROTECT US.

THEY'LL BUILD A JAIL AROUND US!

FAITH. I TOLD YOU HE'S LOOKING AFTER US.

SIR, NO OFFENSE,

BUT YOU HAVE A TENDENCY TO ACT LIKE A NUT CASE

YOU GOT THE CIGARS?

YEAH.

[SPEAKING MOCK ARABIC]

PLEASE, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE MY PARDON,

REMOVE THE BLOCKS.

HIS EXCELLENCY LEAVES AS IMMEDIATELY AS NOW.

WHERE'S YOUR PILOT, GUV?

[SPEAKING MOCK ARABIC]

HIS EXCELLENCY BE THE PILOT.

HIS EXCELLENCY FLIES THIS JET?

AS ALLAH--

PRAISE TO HIM IN HIS INFINITE WISDOM--HAS SAID,

"MAN'S ACHIEVEMENTS ARE BUT A GRAIN OF SAND

"IN THE DESERT OF LIFE,

BUT ONLY GOD CAN MAKE A TREE."

ALLAH BE PRAISED.

DO NOT OFFEND THE EFFENDI. TIME IS OF THE UTMOST.

[SPEAKING MOCK ARABIC]

SPLIT.

HEY. HERE!

THAT'S A YANK UNIFORM!

ONE WORD OF THIS AND--

HIS EXCELLENCY TRAVELS IN DISGUISE.

HE RETURNS TO HIS NATIVE LAND,

WHERE HIS TREACHEROUS BROTHER EL HAZZAH

HAS SEIZED CONTROL OF THE ARMY,

72 OF HIS 300 WIVES,

AND HIS '64 CONVERTIBLE CADILLAC

WITH WHITE SIDEWALLS!

COR BLIMEY!

MOVE THE BLOCKS, BLOCKHEAD.

LET'S GET THE SHAH ON THE ROAD.

[SPEAKING MOCK ARABIC]

YOU GOT--IT'S MOVING NOW. YOU KNOW THAT.

KEEP IT--WOULD YOU--

KEEP IT IN THE--

KEEP IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.

TAKE IT UP A LITTLE HIGHER.

WE'RE FLYING UNDER THE RADAR

WITH STRICT RADIO SILENCE TO ROME.

OH. ALL THE WAY TO ROME?

COLONEL, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FLY DOWN THE THAMES?

NOT THIS HIGH.

WE'RE GOING DOWN ON THE DECK.

ON THE DECK?

OH! COLONEL, YOU CAN'T DO THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? THAT'S PARLIAMENT.

THAT'S BIG BEN.

SEE WHAT TIME IT IS.

IT'S 2 MINUTES SLOW.

COLONEL, YOU'RE GONNA HIT THE TANKER!

THE TANKER!

TANK! WHY, THAT FILTHY, DIRTY--

WHEN I SEE HIM,

I'LL BREAK EVERY BONE IN HIS BODY!

THERE'S A KIND OF A BRIDGE UP AHEAD.

YOU'RE NOT GOING THROUGH IT?

YOU'RE NOT GOING THROUGH IT?

YOU'RE GOING THROUGH IT.

DID YOU SEE WHAT--OHH.

GET ME A FIX ON CALAIS.

I COULD USE A FIX.

THE SEINE, ARC DE TRIOMPHE,

AND THE EIFFEL TOWER.

YOU JUST DRIVE. I'LL SELL THE POST CARDS.

HOW HIGH IS IT?

YOU'RE SAFE. DO YOU SAW--DO YOU SEE--

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'LL TAKE A WILD STAB. WE'RE LOST.

COME ON, GILROY. WHERE ARE WE?

EITHER 70 MILES NORTH OF GENEVA

OR ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF CINCINNATI, OHIO.

UH, C-C-COLONEL,

DON'T PLAY CHICKEN WITH THE ALPS.

THAT'S REAL SNOW. THAT'S REAL ICE.

THAT'S A LOT OF HARD MOUNTAIN.

DON'T...

BRING IT UP. UP!

DON'T. DON'T! WILL YOU PLEASE--

IF I EVER GET OUT OF THIS THING ALIVE,

I'M GONNA GO TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY.

I'LL GO TO SYNAGOGUE EVERY SATURDAY.

I'LL GO ANYPLACE THEY'LL TAKE ME.

THIS MUST BE THE VAR VALLEY OUTSIDE OF NICE.

MAKE A 90 DEGREES SOUTH,

AND YOU'RE 1/2 HOUR FROM ROME.

OHO, BUDDY-BOY,

COLONEL FERRIS, SIR, TOM.

CONGRATULATIONS. OH, WE GOT--OH!

WATCH THE-- MOVE THE--

CHAMPINO TOWER. CHAMPINO TOWER.

HS 125 LANDING, RUNWAY 15 RIGHT.

SIR...

[TIRES SCREECH]

[SIREN]

STOP WHERE YOU ARE.

YOU'RE BOTH UNDER ARREST.

WHAT'S THE CHARGE?

YOU STOLE A PRIVATELY OWNED AIRPLANE.

YOU VIOLATED INTERNATIONAL AIR SPACE--

COLONEL T.S. FERRIS, SPECIAL OFFICER 6079438.

TOP PRIORITY! SIR, I'LL HAVE TO COMMANDEER THAT CAR.

JUST A MINUTE. TOP PRIORITY?

TOP PRIORITY!

WELL, WHAT'S IN THAT PACKAGE?

CLASSIFIED. M-2609.

IF I DON'T LEAVE NOW, SOME HEADS WILL ROLL.

GILROY, EXPLAIN TO THE MAN!

SOME HEADS WILL ROLL!

NOW, JUST A MINUTE!

YOU HEARD WHAT THE COLONEL SAID.

SOME HEADS WILL ROLL.

[SIREN]

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT'S IN THAT PACKAGE?

CIGARS, SIR.

CIGARS?

YES, SIR.

YOU STOLE A MILLION-DOLLAR AIRPLANE,

VIOLATED INTERNATIONAL AIR SPACE,

AND ENDANGERED THIS FIELD WITH THE CRUMMIEST LANDING

ANYBODY'S MADE IN 25 YEARS

TO DELIVER A BOX OF CIGARS?

YES, SIR.

AND JUST WHO'S GOING TO SMOKE THEM?

THREE-STAR LIEUTENANT GENERAL

MAYNARD C. PARKER.

I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY IN ROME, SERGEANT.

THANK YOU, SIR.

[DOORKNOB RATTLING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

HUH?

[KNOCKING]

[GROAN]

[POUNDING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

ALL RIGHT...

WHERE IS SHE?

SHH. PARKER'S NEXT DOOR.

SHE'S NOT IN HER ROOM. WHERE IS SHE?

BEFORE YOU JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS--

I'M NOT JUMPING TO ANY...

TOM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'D ASK THE SAME QUESTION IF IT WASN'T SO OBVIOUS.

WHAT'S SO OBVIOUS?

YOU CRAWLING OUT OF HIS BED!

I WOULDN'T BE FOUND DEAD IN HIS BED!

[POUNDING]

PLEASE LOWER YOUR VOICE.

42 BELOW ZERO, I'M BEATING MY SHORTS WITH A STICK

WHILE YOU'RE DOWN HERE CUDDLING UP

WITH THIS AGING WIFE-POACHER.

TAKE IT EASY, THERE, BUDDY-BOY.

WILL YOU--LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO.

OH, YES, THE PRECIOUS CIGARS.

IS THAT ALL?

NO SEAL COAT FOR DORIS PARKER?

DON'T TELL ME YOU CAME BACK EMPTY-HANDED.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DIDN'T.

I BROUGHT YOU A CORKSCREW--

A DANISH CORKSCREW.

SORRY I COULDN'T GET IT TO YOU LAST NIGHT.

Tank: NOW WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?

PARKER MOVED IN LAST NIGHT.

JULIE COULDN'T GET OUT,

SO SHE SPENT THE NIGHT IN THE BEDROOM ALONE.

Tom: YOU OUGHTA WRITE SCIENCE FICTION.

I TELL YOU, NOTHING HAPPENED HERE LAST NIGHT.

NO, HUH? NO.

WELL, SOMETHING HAPPENED HERE THIS MORNING.

OH! TOM!

NOW, YOU SEE, CEMENTHEAD?

PARKER'S NEXT DOOR.

[GASP]

COME ON, JULIE. WE'RE GOING.

OW!

ALL RIGHT. YOU ASKED FOR IT.

UGH!

NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

SHH. PARKER'S NEXT DOOR.

GOT IT. PARKER NEXT DOOR.

GOOD.

UGH!

[BELLS CLANGING]

[POUNDING]

SHH.

OH, DID YOU HURT YOURSELF?

[BELLS CLANGING]

[GASP]

Julie: OH!

OH, TOM! OH, TOM.

ALL RIGHT. SHH, JUST QUIET.

OH, MY GOODNESS SAKE.

GRACIOUS, THERE.

OH, DO YOU FEEL ALL RIGHT?

I FEEL FINE.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

HAVE A NICE TRIP.

[CRASH]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

UGH!

BOYS. BOYS.

SHH.

BOYS, THE GENERAL.

SHH.

[CRASH]

[ROCK MUSIC BLARING]

WELL, DO SOMETHING!

TURN THAT THING OFF!

OH! UH! I DON'T WANT IT.

DON'T THROW IT TO ME! AGH!

[CRASH]

AAH!

WHY, YOU DIRTY--

NOW STOP, OR I CRUSH THESE CIGARS.

OH, NO, NO, NOT THE CIGARS.

PUT YOUR BOTTLE ON THE TABLE.

IF HE PUTS THE GIRL ON THE TABLE.

IF HE PUTS THE CIGARS ON THE TABLE.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

THERE.

[LAUGHING]

NOW SHAKE HANDS.

OH! UH...

HAVE A CIGAR, GENERAL.

FERRIS?

YES, SIR?

THAT YOU MAKING ALL THAT RACKET IN THERE?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS, SIR. I WAS

UNCRATING ALL THE THINGS I BROUGHT BACK.

I BROUGHT BACK SOME VERY FINE PORCELAIN

FOR MRS. PARKER'S COLLECTION.

OH! OH!

AND I BROUGHT YOU BACK, SIR,

A FINE BOX OF PANETELLAS.

OH, WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I WANT A BILL FOR ALL THIS.

SIR, YOU'LL GET A BILL. EXCUSE ME.

INCREDIBLE. JUST BACK FROM LABRADOR,

AND YOU HAD TIME TO LOOK THIS UP.

WE TRY TO DO OUR BEST, SIR.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I APPRECIATE IT.

DORIS!

YES? OH, DORIS.

WHERE DID SHE GO?

SHE CAUGHT YOUR ACT OUT THERE

UP TO THE PANETELLAS,

SAID SOMETHING IN ITALIAN, AND LEFT.

WHAT ARE YOU STANDING THERE FOR? GO AFTER HER.

TELL HER YOU NEED HER. TELL HER YOU LOVE HER.

TELL HER YOU'LL EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO HER

FROM TIME TO TIME.

IF YOU DON'T,

YOU'LL NEVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN,

EXCEPT IN SOME GRUBBY COURTROOM

FIGHTING OVER WHO GETS CUSTODY OF THE DOGS.

YOU GOT THE GALL TO GIVE ME ADVICE?

WHY, YOU--

TAKE IT EASY--

SAVE IT. WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT

IS BETWEEN JULIE AND ME.

WHAT'S REALLY DISGUSTING IS YOU--

THE GUY I USED TO LOOK UP TO--

MY BUDDY, WHO, 14 YEARS LATER,

HAS GOT TO SNEAK INTO MY BED TO GET EVEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? YOU'RE PATHETIC.

YOU GOT TO KNOCK OFF EVERY FEMALE IN SIGHT

JUST TO PROVE YOU'RE NOT OVER THE HILL.

I THINK THAT'S YOURS.

YOU REALLY WANT TO CHANGE YOUR ASSIGNMENT, MARTIN?

THAT'S RIGHT, SIR.

WELL, WHY?

BECAUSE OF THAT BUSINESS UP IN THE AIR YESTERDAY?

YES, SIR. I SORT OF GOT THE MESSAGE.

YOU NEED KIDS UP THERE, GENERAL,

PUSHING THE BUTTONS ON THEM EXPENSIVE TOYS.

WELL...

ALL RIGHT, MARTIN.

ALL RIGHT.

HAVE A CIGAR.

THANKS, SIR.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

YEAH?

SIR, I WISH TO MAKE A REPORT.

WHAT KIND OF REPORT?

I WISH TO STATE I'M A.W.O.L. FROM ARCTIC SURVIVAL.

FURTHER, I STOLE A PRIVATE AIRCRAFT.

FURTHER, I FLEW IT FROM LONDON TO ROME, SIR,

AT SUICIDAL ALTITUDES,

ENDANGERING NOT ONLY MY LIFE

BUT THAT OF MY TRUSTED,

LOYAL, AND STUPID FRIEND SERGEANT GILROY...

UH, WITH YOUR PERMISSION, SIR.

FERRIS, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

I'M MAKING A BIG DECISION, SIR.

DO I WANT TO KEEP SCRAMBLING FOR SCARVES,

CIGARS, AND MARINATED FISHBALLS,

OR DO I MAKE A DANISH CORKSCREW HAPPY?

I'VE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A LITTLE BLACK BOOK!

IT'S ABOUT TIME I HAD ONE WITH MY WIFE!

MARTIN, WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

IT'S LABRADOR, SIR.

HE'S JUST A LITTLE FLIPPED.

LABRADOR? IT WAS YOUR DAMN-FOOL IDEA

SENDING HIM OFF THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

WHAT? SIR, I WANT TO KILL HIM.

FERRIS...

OH.

OH, MRS. FERRIS.

OH, HELLO. I'VE COME TO PICK UP MY HUSBAND.

THEY'RE ABOUT TO HAND OUT THE CITATIONS.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO WATCH?

OH, YES, THANK YOU.

Tom: CONGRATULATIONS.

ALL THE VERY BEST.

COLONEL, MY BEST TO YOU.

THANK YOU, GENERAL.

COLONEL...

MIGHTY FINE MISSION.

THANK YOU, GENERAL.

GENERAL, NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK, MARTIN.

HOPE WE SEE MORE OF YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.

WOULD YOU HOLD IT THERE, COLONEL?

COLONEL FERRIS, I WANT TO THANK YOU VERY MUCH

FOR A GOOD REHEARSAL.

MY PLEASURE.

THE GENERAL WON'T BE WEARING ANY MAKE-UP

AND HE WON'T GIVE YOU AN OPPORTUNITY

FOR A REHEARSAL.

EXCUSE ME. THE GENERAL'S HERE.

HELLO, FERRIS.

I HOPE THERE'S NO TROUBLE ABOUT THOSE TICKETS.

I DON'T WANT TO MISS THAT YANKEE GAME.

I GOT YOU A BOX OVER THE DUGOUT,

A HAMPER OF SANDWICHES, SIR,

AND SOME COLD DANISH BEER.

WHAT KIND?

DANISH BEER, SIR. EXCUSE ME. MARK!

SIR, I GOT THE YANKEES

TO AUTOGRAPH THIS BALL FOR YOUR GRANDSON.

OH, WELL, THAT'S DAMN NICE OF YOU, FERRIS.

I APPRECIATE THAT. LOOK AT THAT!

OH, TANK, WE'RE SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL,

YOU'LL END UP CHIEF OF STAFF.

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO THE DIRTY WORK.

CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN. GREAT.

SAY, I JUST REMEMBERED.

I FOUND THIS IN MY DESK THE OTHER DAY--

FOR THE LADY WHO NEEDS 2 OF EVERYTHING.

I COULD NEVER FIND THOSE 2 BLUE BLANKETS.

I'VE TAKEN CARE OF THAT.

GILROY. GILROY? HERE THEY ARE.

[CRYING]

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WELL, BUSY HANDS ARE HAPPY HANDS.

COME ON, SON. WE'RE GOING HOME.

CIAO, TANK. CIAO.

BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE, HONEY.

BUT, TANKIE, LEVEL WITH ME.

ARE YOU REALLY A GENERAL?

A SECRET AGENT.

♪ HEY, LOOK AT ME, WOW, MAMMA, I'M DANCING ♪

♪ AND I MIGHT SOMERSAULT RIGHT OVER THE WALL ♪

♪ THIS ISN'T A GIRL ♪

♪ BUT A WHOLE WORLD I'M ROMANCING ♪

♪ AND WE'RE HAVING US ONE FABULOUS, FANTABULOUS ♪

♪ BEAUTIFUL BALL ♪