Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

Now, just... just a little bit higher, Charles.

Higher. There. Uh, now, uh...

It's a little bit...

Oh, no, it's crooked, Charles.

To the... Up... up on the left, and...

There. There, that's perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

Now, just a little bit higher.

Amy, it's too high.

Too high? It's eye-level, Walt.

If you're Wilt Chamberlain.

Who?

Never mind. Charles, we'll finish this later.

Very good, sir.

You know, dear, maybe a Matisse would look better there anyway.

Ah!

- [Bridget] Good afternoon, Charles. - Miss Bridget.

- Bridget, dear. - Oh, hi, darling.

Uh, what is all this?

Oh, your father was nominated

for President of the New York Museum of Art.

That's wonderful, Daddy.

Who nominated you?

Actually, I did.

He seconded it, too.

Amy, please.

Oh.

Well, anyway, your father invited the board of directors here

for cocktails this week.

He's going to re-hang his entire collection

to try to impress them.

Well, if anybody's collection impresses them, yours will.

You've got a Renoir, Utrillo,

Matisse.

Boo-Boo Birdie.

Who?

Boo-Boo Birdie.

Don't you recognize it, Walt?

I'd recognize Red China before I'd recognize that.

Don't you remember Boo-Boo Birdie?

Oh. Oh, oh, of course. I... I remember Boo-Boo.

Oh, Walt.

You bought that for Bridget when she was just a little baby.

Well, she's a grown woman now. It's time to get rid of it.

Oh, Daddy, It hung in my room for years.

Yeah, well, I'm throwing that thing in the garbage before anyone sees it.

Oh, Walt,

I... if you don't like the painting, why don't you just say so

instead of beating around the bush?

Don't throw it away, Daddy. I'll take it home.

I'll find a place to put it.

[Bernie] In the garbage.

- [Bridget] Bernie. - [Bernie] Mmm-mmm.

No way. Not in this room. [chuckles]

Now isn't there some place it would look good?

Mmm-hmm. In the hall closet.

Turned to the wall so as not to offend the coats.

Come on now, this is my first painting. I was only three years old.

Yeah. Even for three, you were a lousy painter.

I didn't paint it. I picked it out.

And you know what, I think you should have thrown it out.

Oh, that's ugly.

You know, it has great sentimental value.

My folks gave it to me.

I used to call it, uh, Boo-Boo Birdie.

Really? Well, now we're gonna call it, "Bye-Bye Birdie."

I was expecting that.

Now, Bernie, look, this... It's... It's very representative of a...

Really?

Well, a primitive school, or a...

Mmm-hmm?

- [laughing] - Well, you're no art expert.

Au contraire, my dear frere,

I mean, I'll have you know that my tradition

includes some of the great patrons of art.

I mean, the Rothschilds, the Morgenthaus,

the Guggenheims, the Steinbergs.

The Steinbergs?

Certainly. I mean, when Michelangelo was painting the Sistine Chapel...

- Yeah? - Mmm.

I mean, there he was lying on his back

day after day after day.

Who do you think was his orthopedist?

Giovanni Steinberg, my great, great...

Bernie, Bernie, Bernie, I think you're suffering from insanity.

I don't suffer from it. I enjoy it.

Oh.

All right, you win. We'll hang it.

Are you sure you won't mind lookin' at it?

What's to mind?

When I come in the room, I'll wear a blindfold, that's all.

- [Bernie chuckles] - You know something?

What?

That really is a... an ugly painting.

Well, we can always pick up a little extra bread on the side

by running a class in art depreciation.

You know, I hadn't seen the dumb thing for 20 years,

but now that I have, I'm... I'm cured.

Let's give it away.

What, are you kidding? Who'd want it?

I mean, I know some weird people.

I don't know anyone that weird.

[knock on door]

Hello, darlings.

[gasps]

What a beautiful painting!

Sam, Moe. You're back so soon?

We're back so soon.

You're not even gonna ask, "How did everything go?"

Well, how did everything go?

Don't ask.

The Goldhabers' sweet-16 will be the social event of the season.

If they like wet chopped liver.

It was your fault.

I told you not to put the chopped liver next to the ice-swan.

Did it leak?

Did it leak?

The wonderful, carved ice-swan

is now a wonderful, carved pigeon.

What's that?

It took a lot of doing,

but I talked Bridget and Bernie into giving it to us.

And I thought the kids liked you.

Again I repeat, what's that?

What do you mean, "What's that?"

They told me it was a genuine primitive.

I think maybe from the Grandma Moses School.

It looks more like from the Ding-Dong School.

Sophie, Moses shouldn't have to take a bum rap

just because his grandma didn't know how to paint.

Now, take it down.

Sam, you don't know anything about art.

Fine, I don't know about art,

but I know about poultry, and that duck is sick.

Take it down.

Uh, Moe, what do you think?

Mmm, let me put it this way.

I wouldn't exactly go out and buy it for myself.

Moe, Sophie didn't ask you to go out and buy it,

she just asked your opinion of it.

All right. I'll be objective.

Oh, come on, Moe, what's your opinion?

My opinion is...

Now that that's settled, take it off the wall

before a customer comes in and loses his appetite.

If it helps people lose their appetite,

you should keep looking at it, and looking at it.

Enough with the jokes.

Who's joking?

Sophie, there's dust all over that picture.

If the Board of Health comes in here, they'll close us down.

Sophie, the garbage is that way.

But the water is that way.

Come on, Duckie, Mama's gonna give you a nice warm bath.

Sam, look at it this way. The hunting season is comin'.

Maybe with a little luck, somebody will shoot it off the wall.

I'm ruining it.

Sophie, I'm tellin' you...

Sam, look.

I knew something good would happen to me today.

Just like water off a duck's back, huh, Sophie?

What am I gonna tell Bridget and Bernie?

You know something?

She looks a little like Morris Fried's Aunt Deborah.

The one that never got married?

I remember her.

Believe me, she never looked so good.

The duck has better legs.

[Sophie] I feel so terrible.

[sighing] It's all right, Mother Steinberg.

It could happen to anybody.

Sure, everybody washes paintings.

Especially Mrs. Clean.

You know, maybe this is worth something.

[Sam] No.

Now, you read about old masters being rediscovered every year.

Many of them under worthless paintings.

If I ever saw a worthless painting, this is it.

No, now Bernie's right.

I remember last year I read that

a Da Vinci was discovered in an attic in St. Louis.

Do you think this is valuable?

Probably not, but, listen, you never know.

It's a long shot, but it's worth checkin' out.

Look, why don't I drop by a gallery this afternoon

and see what they have to say.

That's a good idea, Bernie.

- Come on, baby. - Bye.

Sam.

What if the kids are right? Maybe we've got a masterpiece by mistake.

Believe me, if that's a masterpiece, it's a mistake.

I still say it's a waste of time.

People don't paint dumb ducks over masterpieces.

Stop being so negative.

What could it cost to find out?

[Bernie] Well, it could cost plenty.

Well, what did they say, Bernie?

Well, they said it could cost a small fortune in order to find out

that you're not gonna make a big fortune.

You mean it's not worth anything?

I don't know.

By the time I finished talkin' to the gallery owner

about the number of tests that they'd have to run

and the hundreds of dollars that it would cost,

I, uh, finally figured it just wouldn't be worth it.

And you were right. Sophie, give Bridget back her painting.

How can I give it back? Her bird is defective.

[doorbell buzzing]

You keep it, Mother Steinberg. It was a gift.

Oh, thank you, dear.

- Hi. How are you? - Oh, Bernie, you're home.

We were at a reception at City Hall,

- thought we'd pop in on the way home. - Good.

I didn't expect to see you here.

Well, what's all this about? What's the occasion?

Bernie was just tellin' us what the art gallery said.

Yeah. I took the painting that you gave to Bridget to a gallery...

Sophie washed the painting and look what happened.

[gasping] Oh, my goodness.

Oh!

Oh! You know, she looks just like a girl that I went to Vassar with.

[Amy] She was a wonderful swimmer.

Morris Fried's Aunt Deborah went to Vassar?

We thought maybe it might be valuable.

[chortling]

Well, what's so funny, other than a lady-headed duck?

Oh, it's nothing, really,

it's just that this thing happens so often to those uneducated in art.

This under-painting is obviously the work of a modestly talented student

who practiced by copying the masters.

Yeah, this sort of thing could impress the casual layman, but...

well, to the connoisseur, it reeks of amateurism.

I have a feeling you don't think the painting is so hot.

Bridget, on the Richter scale of hot, it's not even lukewarm.

You're sure about that, huh?

Well, I don't like to brag, Bernie, but,

I do have a doctorate in the history of art, I am PhD.

And it's honorary.

Amy!

Well, in that case, maybe we should get another opinion, Doctor?

Look, I'm no expert, but, uh, I do know one thing.

What came off with water once will come off twice.

Why don't we wash it off

and see if that modestly talented student signed it?

Where did you find this duck, anyway?

Oh, years ago, when Bridget was a little girl,

we were taking her for a stroll in her carriage

and we passed this antique shop and the duck was in the window.

She made such a fuss over it, we bought it.

Bernie!

I know, I can't believe it myself.

What? W... what's the name of the art student, dear?

Botticelli.

Botticelli?

Oh!

Botticelli.

A real Botticelli.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let's not jump to conclusions.

I mean, any art student could have painted this in Botticelli's form,

in Botticelli's style.

With Botticelli's signature.

You know, I might own a real Botticelli.

[Sam] You might own?

Are you forgetting in whose delicatessen this Botticelli was hanging in,

after Bridget gave it to us?

Dad, Mr. Fitzgerald, aren't we both jumping the gun a little bit?

I mean, after all, we don't even know if it's authentic yet.

Bernie's right.

For all we know, this could be a number-painting.

Oh, don't be silly, Moe.

Botticelli didn't paint with numbers.

He thought up his own colors.

Tell you what I'll do,

I'll take this over to the museum the first thing tomorrow,

and they can start the authentication tests.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Hold it a minute.

This happens to be a Steinberg Botticelli,

and we'll take care of it, thank you very much.

Well, that's a good idea, too.

Amy, please. Look, Sam,

it's very obvious that I own the Botticelli, I mean, I did buy it.

And in the eyes of the law, I...

It can be in the eyes, ears, nose and throat of the law.

In case you forgot, possession is nine-tenths of the law.

You gave it to Bridget and Bridget gave it to us.

Bridget gave it to me, and I gave it to us.

They're right, Daddy.

Whose daughter are you, anyway?

It's a simple point of law.

Listen to F. Lee Bailey.

If you both don't knock it off,

you're each gonna have exactly half a painting.

All right, but just because I let go of the painting doesn't mean

I'm letting go of the painting.

And what is that supposed to mean?

Oh, I have somethin' in mind, we'll see about this.

Walt, I think the death penalty's been repealed.

I'm not gonna give up this easily.

Daddy, I really think you're going too far.

For your father, Siberia wouldn't be far enough.

Come on, Amy, it's time to say good night.

- Oh, what time is it, Walt? - Just say good night, Amy.

Walt, what's the matter with you lately? You get tired so early.

Amy!

- Good night. - [Moe] Good night.

Dad.

Look, don't you think you could get together with Mr. Fitzgerald

and maybe work this thing out between you?

I'm sure that if you talked it over reasonably--

Bridget, sweetheart, talking to your father

is like holding a conversation with a disconnected number.

If I didn't see it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it.

- [Sophie whispering] Sam? - Hmm?

Sam, what are you doing out here?

I was keeping an eye on the painting.

With both eyes closed? Come to bed, Sam.

Sophie, if this is a real Botticelli,

we could become millionaires.

Think of it.

A house in Miami, a chauffeured limousine.

Some heat in the radiator. Come to bed, Sam.

The painting might be worth nothing.

Oh, it's worth something.

Can you believe that Walter Fitzgerald? That crybaby.

All that complaining just because he gave away

a million-dollar painting by mistake.

Sam, the most expensive thing you ever gave away by mistake

was a quart-sized box of marinated herring you thought was coleslaw.

You're wrong, Sophie.

I thought it was potato salad.

[both laughing]

Now, Henderson, I'm going to put this as simply as possible.

Either you get me that painting or I get me a new law firm. Okay?

It's not going to be that simple, Walt.

Of course it's gonna be simple. All I say is, "You're fired."

As far as the law is concerned,

you gave the painting to your daughter,

and she gave it to her mother-in-law,

and that's the honest truth.

What has honesty and truth got to do with the law?

Look, I've been nominated for President of the Museum of Art.

Now, how is it gonna look to the board of directors

if they discover that I gave a genuine Botticelli,

a brand-new, undiscovered Botticelli

to the corned beef king of Houston Street?

I see your point.

Thank you.

Well, why don't we go over the facts again, very slowly.

Well, your father gave the thing to you,

and you gave it to my folks.

Folk. Remember, your father wasn't too thrilled about it.

[chuckles] Yeah, well, believe me, now he's thrilled.

I don't know, I mean, I think if anybody should be upset, it should be us.

A few million dollars could certainly come in handy.

I mean, we could use a few new things.

New typewriter ribbons, toaster...

[knock on door]

An anchor for our yacht.

Hi, Father Steinberg.

Bridget. Bernie.

Dad, either you're upset about something or you've got a great sunburn.

That something happens to be Mr. Walter Fitzgerald and his legal eagle.

- Mr. Henderson? - Right.

He says you had no right to give the painting away.

Something about a gray area of ownership.

All the art in his estate is in trust and a lot of that other craziness.

[door opening]

I've got news.

He's got news and I've got heartburn.

Sam, I just talked to the curator at the Museum of Art.

And they agreed to authenticate the painting on a contingency basis.

If it's real, they'll take a small percentage,

and if it's nothing, that's what we lose. Nothing.

Will they authenticate it right away?

As soon as we get it to the operating table.

All right, then do it, because it's safer in their vault anyway.

It makes me nervous having it here whether it's real or not.

Sam, I'm your brother-in-law, not special delivery.

But I'll do it.

Moe.

Get a receipt.

I'm glad that's taken care of.

I mean, this way at least we'll know if we've got a real live Botticelli--

[telephone ringing]

...or a real dead duck.

Hello?

The only problem now is who owns it?

Michael.

No, your father isn't here.

As far as I'm concerned, he's nowhere.

Listen, uh, I'm very glad you called.

I think we have a job for super priest.

Oh, come on, Sam.

Before you met me, you didn't know

the difference between a Matisse and a matzo ball.

[all arguing indistinctly]

[Michael] Hold it. Hold it. Look.

It took enough to get the opposing camps to a neutral site.

So let's just, uh, calm down, shall we?

This is a neutral site?

Why not St. Patrick's Cathedral?

See, I came here because I admit there was a small problem.

There's no problem.

If there's no problem, I'll take my painting back.

Now there's a problem.

This man

gave this girl a painting of a stupid duck.

And she gave my wife that painting.

That painting turns out to be more than a stupid duck

and it may have a whole lot of value.

And now that man wants the painting back.

I rest my case.

Now wait just one darn minute.

That man told that woman to throw that stupid duck away.

But, now that man thinks that painting might be worth a few bucks

and he goes into shock over the thought of losing it.

That is pure greed.

I'm greedy? What about you?

I don't want the duck for myself.

I'm going to donate it to the Museum of Art,

so the whole world can enjoy it.

And then they'll make you president of the Museum, right, Walt?

[Sam] Well, if you're gonna be the president,

then I'm gonna start impeachment proceedings.

And while we're on the subject,

you're not the only one who can give a painting away.

I am gonna donate the Botticelli to the Museum of Art.

Then maybe they'll make you president, Sam.

Right, Sophie, and I can see it now.

The Steinberg Botticelli

in the Steinberg Wing.

The only wing you'll ever see is on a boiled chicken.

Daddy.

Fellas, it's supposed to be a peace conference, not a roller derby.

Hey, Bernie's right. Now, let's just simmer down, shall we?

Look, I... I would like to bring up a point that

everybody seems to be overlooking.

Now, we don't know if this painting is a Botticelli.

Now it could be worthless, right?

If, however, the painting does turn out to have some value,

I think the only equitable way to solve the situation

is to put the painting up for auction and divide the profits.

Now if it's authentic,

the price you get will more than reward everyone,

the Steinbergs, and the Fitzgeralds, and the church.

The church?

- The church? - Yeah.

I mean, you know, enough for a chapel or two.

It beats bingo.

Michael, that's a terrific idea.

Say...

- Yeah, why not. - [laughing]

And not only that.

I mean, the, uh, Museum of Art gets an opportunity

to bid on the Fitzgerald-Steinberg Botticelli.

I... I think you'd better make that the Steinberg-Fitzgerald Botticelli.

Hold it. I got a better idea.

Why not, as a compromise, we call it the Plotnick Botticelli?

[all chattering]

He said he was gonna let you know tonight, right?

So how come he didn't call you?

Sam, authenticating a painting

takes a little longer than plucking a chicken. Relax.

Of course, there's still the possibility,

you know, that it isn't a real Botticelli.

He may be right, Sam.

If there was another Botticelli around,

don't you think the art experts would have known about it?

Well, maybe he worked at night.

He could have, Moe, they didn't have unions then.

They shouldn't have them now.

[doorbell ringing]

[giggling]

What are you laughin' at?

Who's laughing? A laugh comes from here. That came from here.

That wasn't a laugh, that was hysteria.

Mr. Fitzgerald, a Mr. Miller looking for Mr. Plotnick.

Haskell.

- Walt, how are you? - What are you doing here?

Mr. Plotnick left a message he'd be here.

He brought Mr. Steinberg's painting for authentication.

Well, you didn't tell me that you were gonna take it

to the Museum of Art.

Never mind who he told. Well?

Well?

It's a Botticelli.

[all cheering]

Oh!

Hey!

But...

But what?

The Botticelli was stolen.

[gasps] Oh, my goodness. I hope you can get it back again.

No, Mrs. Fitzgerald, it was stolen years ago from the Vatican.

Well, don't look at us.

The closest we got to the Vatican was watching Danny Thomas on television.

It was stolen from the Vatican?

Oh, Walt, if they press charges, there goes your presidency.

It was taken over 20 years ago.

Of course we notified the Pope's staff as soon as we discovered what it was.

They were thrilled to get it back.

Well, there goes the Steinberg-Fitzgerald Botticelli.

There goes the anchor and the typewriter ribbons.

Oh, gentlemen, uh, there's this, too.

Oh, what's that?

The bill for authenticating the Botticelli.

- Who gets it? - Give it to him.

Give it to him.

It's his Botticelli.

No, it's his Botticelli!

And as the old saying goes,

all's well that ends well.

Oh, hi, everybody.

[all chattering]

I'm glad you're all here.

Sam, I wanted to show you this letter I got from the museum,

thanking me on behalf of the world of art

for helping to recover the Botticelli.

That's wonderful.

Congratulations.

You know, even greater than that,

it looks like I'm gonna get the presidency of the museum.

And you didn't even have to be elected.

And when I'm president, Sam, I want you to know

that you can come on down to the museum any time as my guest.

Thank you, Walt.

And I want you to know that you're always welcome

to come to the delicatessen to see my letter thanking me

for saving the painting.

You got a letter from the museum, too?

Nope.

From His Holiness, the Pope.

[closing theme music playing]

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