Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

[Bernie] Christmas and Hanukkah often fall close together.

[chuckles] And once upon a time...

- [Amy] Walt? - Hmm?

Walt, who are...? Who are the McIlhaneys?

Oh, Martha's Vineyard two summers ago.

The man who kept polishing the sea spray off his Rolls-Royce.

Oh. Oh, that explains it.

Explains what?

Oh, this Christmas card.

It says "Merry Christmas from the three of us."

And it's got a picture of two people

with their arms around a Rolls-Royce.

Hmm. And they say there's no heart left in Christmas.

That's funny, there's no Christmas card from the Steinbergs yet.

Maybe they mail late.

Amy, maybe they don't mail at all.

You know, this isn't exactly their... holiday.

Well, I know that.

But you don't have to be a Christian to celebrate the birth of our Lord.

[quirky music playing]

Do you?

A Christmas card?

The Fitzgeralds sent us a Christmas card?

What do they know from Hanukkah?

They meant well.

At least it's not too religious.

No? Well, let me tell you something, Sophie.

That little baby there isn't Moses in the bulrush.

[murmuring] Golf balls for Daddy.

Scotch for Otis.

Bernie... Oh...

He's getting--

[exclaims] Hi, sweetheart. I didn't hear you come in.

Golf balls?

Hey, give me that.

What is it? We're finally accepted at the country club?

Now, that's my Christmas list. You know perfectly well that you're on it.

Really? I'm on it?

- Where would I be? - Hey, I'm not finished.

Well, listen, why don't you come and finish it over here?

Could you do that for me?

- Hi. - Hi.

I'm stuck on your father.

Sweetheart, I always knew the Steinberg men were irresistible,

but my father?

Truthfully, what do you think he'd like

more than anything else in the world for Christmas?

- A grandson. - Well, if we were gonna get him that,

we should've started our shopping nine months ago.

Babe, it doesn't matter.

Whatever you get my father for Christmas, it's gonna be a first for him.

So don't worry.

I keep forgetting that not everybody gets goose bumps

around Christmastime the way I do.

Listen, Hanukkah used to...

Well, it was pretty special.

I mean, we didn't have just one day to celebrate.

We had eight.

I really used to love it.

[pensive music playing]

You know, we'd light a candle every night, my cousins would come over...

play with a dreidel.

- What's...? - Oh, um...

It's a little tiny four-sided top

that you spin to get your present.

You sound like a kid again.

Well, you know, I was remembering my own goose bumps.

Bernie, let's make this the most beautiful Christmas

that anyone ever had.

Hey, you know what I'm gonna do right now?

Uh, start dinner, I hope, because your brother's due at any time.

Oh, well, I've got a casserole all ready. Just pop it in the oven.

Me?

I'm going down to invite your parents to my parents' Christmas open house.

Hey. Hey. You're gonna...?

- Listen, do you have to do that right now? - Well, can you think of a better time?

- Mm-hmm. - When?

Like after Easter.

[upbeat music plays]

Sam. Good to see you. How are you?

- Moe. - Victor Moskowitz.

- [Victor] Look at you. - [Sam] Victor. Victor.

What brings Mr. Seventh-Avenue-Big-Shot back to the old neighborhood?

- Little stick ball would be nice, huh? - What?

- [chuckles] I'll tell you what I want. - Just a minute, darling.

You name it.

[Victor] Six baskets, hmm?

Big, fancy. Cheeses, pastrami, wine, crackers, the works.

Coming up, quicker than you can say "Steinberg's super special."

[laughing] Yeah, as long as you wait an hour to say it.

Here, sit down. I'll bring you a cup of coffee.

Thank you.

Oh, uh, any particular kind of wrapping?

Yeah, for Christmas.

Christmas?

It's, uh, for my partners and, uh, their families.

Well, that's very considerate of you. Very thoughtful.

Did you pick out your Christmas tree yet, Moskowitz?

No. I'm going with the children to pick it out tonight.

You, the man who sits next to me in the synagogue every Yom Kippur,

you, who planted 250 trees in Israel,

you pick out Christmas trees and send Christmas gifts?

Sam, come off it. This is 1972.

Depends on what calendar you're using, Moskowitz.

For my people, it's 5733.

What can I do for you, darling?

Oh, um, I... I just came down to pick up the dreidel-- The strudel.

My daughter-in-law. No Christmas tree in her house.

Hey. Hi. I thought I saw you in here.

How are you?

So, uh, who is that?

By a funny coincidence, her brother.

You're gonna tell me he doesn't have a Christmas tree?

How should I know? I never looked.

And you have the chutzpah to talk to me?

Sam.

Um... what's happening?

Nothing much.

Why should I worry about an invitation I'm not gonna make until after Easter?

Since you haven't asked Bernie's parents yet,

how do you know they won't come?

[both] They won't come.

Oh, come on, you two.

Now, for something that seems so important,

you certainly give up easily.

I don't know, I leave the miracles to you guys.

Me, I'm a realist.

Well, hey, what about if Mike asked them?

- I mean, they really like Mike. - Wrong. They really love Mike.

But you have to understand something. My father is a very proud, stubborn man.

You know, his uncle was a rabbi, and his older brother was a rabbi.

You know, come to think of it, rabbis run in the family,

not Christmas parties.

[pensive music plays]

Hey. I didn't mean to drive you off. What's up?

Bernie, you just gave me a terrific idea.

Well, what about dessert?

Honey, when you're hot on the trail of a miracle, strudel has gotta wait.

[Amy] Oh, Walt, that's perfect.

That's just perfect.

If... if you just move it a little to the right.

[Mike laughs]

[Christmas music playing softly]

Say, Mom, how many do you plan for dinner this year?

Oh. Oh, just those who are nearest and dearest to us.

About 30 of our closest friends.

Oh, Walt, would you put that red one over there?

That's it.

Why, dear? Why do you ask?

You see, Bridget feels kind of strong about the Steinbergs coming.

- Oh, she does? - Yes.

Oh, well, I guess we could make it 33.

Oh, but we're having ham this year, aren't we?

Well, we'll just have turkey this year, that's all.

Uh, it... it goes a little deeper than that, Mom.

You see, the Steinbergs may not want to come.

Oh, what a shame.

Well, I guess we're back to 30 and the ham.

Hey, how about a smaller party this year? Say, about nine people?

Nine?

That doesn't leave much room for my business associates.

I think you could forget them this year, Dad.

You could also forget the carolers and the string quartet

and Santa Claus and the elves and Frosty the Snowman and--

Forget the elves?

Mike, what are you talking about?

Who does that leave us with?

With a nice simple family dinner.

Oh, dear. It sounds so stark.

Well, the first Christmas wasn't exactly a fancy dress ball.

Oh.

Oh, well, yes...

Since you put it that way, uh...

Well, let's see, there'd be you and Bridget and Bernie

and Daddy and me

and Sophie and Sam and Uncle Moe and...

That's eight. You said nine. Who's the ninth?

I want to invite a friend of mine. He's a guy I went to Harvard with.

Oh. Oh, well, that'd be fine, dear.

[Mike] His name is Chuck Lieberman.

He's a rabbi.

[Walter coughs]

[Christmas music plays]

Dad, look, it's... it's not what you think.

I mean, the Fitzgeralds are having a very simple family dinner.

Sam, maybe that's different.

Couldn't we consider it just a dinner?

Right. It'll be just us.

Uh, and there is one other guest. A friend of Michael's, I think.

Oh, don't tell me. Let me guess.

The pope.

No, Father Steinberg, it's a rabbi.

As a matter of fact, Michael called and said he's bringing him by here.

He thought maybe you'd like to meet him.

Any rabbi that goes to Christmas dinners, I don't have to meet.

A rabbi at a Christmas dinner?

The revolution has come.

Well, you may even know him.

Rabbi Lieberman?

Rabbi Lieberman?

The most brilliant Talmudic scholar in the whole country?

The one from Park Avenue?

That Rabbi Lieberman?

[knocking on door]

Oh, no, it's them.

I'm dying. Nothing is clean.

Enough with the cleaning. What's to eat?

With the cooking and with the cleaning, who's answering?

- Hello, Uncle Moe. Hello, everybody. - Hi. Come in.

- [Mike] Hey, come on in, Chuck. - [Lieberman] Thank you, Mike.

How are you?

So where's the rabbi?

Right here. Rabbi Lieberman, this is my sister, Bridget.

- Hello. - And her husband Bernie.

- How do you do? Yes. - Nice to meet you.

- And this is Mr. and Mrs. Steinberg. - Hello.

And this is Mr. Plotnick.

- Hello. - How do you do?

Nice to meet all of you.

A pleasure, I'm sure.

So your name is Rabbi Lieberman too?

Well, my father's friends call me Junior.

- [gasps] You're his son? - That's right.

So tell me something, Rabbi Lieberman.

Yes, Mr. Steinberg?

How come you're not Jewish?

There's no way your parents are going to any Christmas dinner.

Maybe I should just stop acting like a child.

I'm beginning to make everybody else uptight too.

Hey, sweetheart,

it's important to you.

- You have the right. - No, I don't.

Bernie, let's go away for Christmas.

- Away? - Well, sure.

We... we could go to the mountains.

We could go to the mountains

and find ourselves some real old-fashioned snow.

Being together is the important thing anyway.

I don't understand. I mean, you're sure?

No family, no friends,

no presents under the tree?

Just us.

[tender music playing]

Okay, sweetheart. If you're sure that's what you want.

I'm sure. That's... that's exactly what I want.

[upbeat music playing]

Uh, yeah. Listen, I'm interested in a room

for this evening and tomorrow evening.

Yeah, that's right. The 24th and the 25th.

With a fireplace?

Bernard Steinberg.

That's terrific. I'll take it.

Uh-- That's right, yeah.

See you then.

[clears throat]

That was so fast.

Who had an opening over Christmas?

Pearlberg's Polar Bear Motel.

Oh...

[both laughing]

Excuse me, darlings.

Are we disturbing?

No more than usual, Mom.

It's like this. I was thinking--

I was thinking.

Sue me. Your father and I were thinking.

Now, we know you're going to Bridget's parents' house

for Christmas dinner.

But Hanukkah, we have always been together.

Sam, Moe, my little Bernie.

Condense, Sophie, condense.

Don't eat too much there.

Come to our house at 7:00.

We'll have brisket and potato latkes.

[Bernie] Ma...

we can't.

What can't?

You have to spend the whole night with the Three Wise Men?

So if they were that wise,

they'd be at our place eating the potato latkes.

We're not going to my parents' house for dinner.

We're going to the mountains for Christmas.

You're going away for Hanukkah?

[melancholy music playing]

Yeah, Ma. Uh, we leave tonight.

So... I'd better make a smaller brisket.

Oh, I... I happened to be rummaging

and I... and I found this.

Remember, Bernie?

[sentimental music playing]

What, are you kidding? Of course I remember.

It's my very first dreidel.

Well, we'll make it next year, huh?

Son.

[Sophie] Darling.

Papa.

Such a sweet girl.

- Just let me help you with those, son. - Thank you.

Oh, come on. Take your coat off now, Bridget.

[Bridget] Um, well, well, we're not staying, Mother. We...

We brought the presents by tonight because Bernie and I decided

that we were gonna go away for the holidays.

You're going away?

[melancholy music playing]

Oh.

First the Steinbergs can't make it, and now Bridget and Bernie.

[chuckles] I guess we made a mistake canceling the elves.

I'm sorry, Daddy.

I know we've always been together at Christmas before,

but, well, we thought that, you know,

our first Christmas, we'd like to be alone.

Well, I'll, um...

I'll just gather up your presents for you.

Let's see. This is for Bridget.

Oh. Thank you.

[Amy] And Bernie.

[Bernie] Thank you.

And, um, let's see. This is for, um, Sophie and Sam.

And, uh...

Oh, dear, I do hope that Uncle Moe likes the Currier & Ives prints we got him.

He'll love them.

Well, Daddy, you sure did a great job on the tree this year.

It's... it's the prettiest we've ever had.

Thanks, baby.

You see, I found your Christmas angel.

[Bridget] Oh, Daddy, you put it up.

Mom, did you see Daddy put up my angel?

Yes.

Look, Bernie, Daddy put it up.

Yes, sir.

It certainly is up there, all right.

Hey, look who's here. Hey, Merry Christmas, everybody.

How could a little dinner have hurt?

We're not converting.

Yeah. They're just asking us to visit.

When we went to see The Godfather,

did that make us Italian?

Stop being ridiculous.

- Stop being pigheaded. - Stop using that word in this house.

[Moe] I have been your brother-in-law for a long time.

Now I have got to give you some news.

You do not hold the patent on being Jewish.

[sneers] Pigheaded, maybe.

Darling. We were just talking about how nice it is

that you two kids are going away for, mm, Hanukkah.

Yeah. We're thrilled.

[melancholy music playing]

Well, that's why I'm here.

Because if you're as thrilled about us going

as we're thrilled about going,

then I think maybe we ought to have a little talk.

Uh, hi.

[gasps]

Oh, Bernie.

Oh, I, uh...

I thought that you and Bridget would be on your way by now.

Yeah, well, she's at home packing.

But the thing is, she's also crying.

I think we better have a little talk.

Ah. How's that for moving through traffic?

Bus doesn't leave for 20 minutes.

Hey, I know you two got plenty of time,

but I'd like to pick up a couple of paying customers.

Yeah. Sure.

Well, I hate long goodbyes, so happy whatever, you two.

Thanks for the ride down, Otis.

- Anytime. - Ooh. [snaps fingers]

- And thanks for the ride back. - What?

Yeah. You know, I just realized I, uh, forgot my shaving gear,

my toothbrush, the whole thing.

Well, don't they have a drugstore near Pearlberg's?

Yeah.

They have a drugstore near Pearlberg's.

Aftershave's on me. Happy Hanukkah.

Thank you.

Wait. What about the gas?

The gas is on the cab company. Merry Christmas.

No, no, I think I left the gas on in the oven.

Well, you got two choices.

You can call up your folks and have them turn it off,

or I can catch it on the way home.

I, uh, like the third choice.

Yeah. That being, you drive us home,

we shut off the gas.

He's right, you know.

- It's a very tricky oven. - Yeah.

See? I can smell the gas from here.

What are you talking about? I can't smell anything.

Yeah, well, I'm beginning to smell something.

- [family] Surprise! - [Sophie] Happy Hanukkah!

[family laughs]

- Surprise. - Happy Hanukkah, darling.

- Mom. - Surprised?

This is... this is terrific.

Bridget was right, man. This is a gas.

Hey, what's a Hanukkah party without a little music?

- [all chattering] - [Amy] Oh, yeah, what a great idea.

- ["Hava Nagila" playing on stereo] - [all] Aw.

Mrs. Steinberg, may I wish you a happy Hanukkah?

Funny, you don't look Jewish.

But you can't tell by looks these days.

[Moe] Otis, they do this where you come from?

What can I tell you, Uncle Moe?

Soul music is soul music.

Happy Hanukkah, sweetheart.

Oh, babe, thank you.

You know, Walt, it's something like an Irish jig.

None that I've ever seen before.

Now, that's what I call togetherness.

You don't know the half of it. Michael. Michael.

- [Mike] Ooh, ooh. - Uh, what about the...?

- May I have your attention, everyone? - [music stops]

My mother would like to make an announcement.

- Oh. - Oh, yes.

Uh... [laughs]

Buffet is now being served.

Bridget?

There's breakfast in bed, but buffet?

- [Moe] Happy Christmas! - [Amy] Surprise!

[upbeat Christmas music playing]

Bernie.

- Merry Christmas, sweetheart. - Oh!

Ooh. She gives him, he gives her.

That's a marriage.

That's groovy.

- Right on, brother. - That's a priest talking?

[Moe] And now, for the other side of the family, Christmas carols.

But I've gotta warn you,

Sam may be silent during "Silent Night."

I just don't know how to thank you all.

["Silent Night" playing]

Bernie, I love you.

I love you.

And your family.

Father Steinberg, who in the world convinced you

to come to a Christmas party?

[chuckles] Well, I had a talk with a young rabbi,

and then I had a talk with myself.

Some might call me pigheaded.

Some might call me stubborn.

But I think of myself as a man of principle.

But even for a man of principle,

there comes a time for change.

[Moe] Hallelujah!

[Bernie] Folks, uh...

Bridget and I would like to say something.

You've made this a very happy day for Bernie and me.

This is a day when families should be together.

Christmas... Hanukkah...

is a time for brotherhood, a time when, uh, families come together

and maybe say things to each other that,

well, they've been too busy to say all year long.

Things like "I love you.

I need you. Stay close."

So to everyone here...

we love you.

We need you.

- Stay close. - Please.

Long life.

- L'chaim. - [Otis] Happy Christmas.

Happy holidays.

God bless us, every one.

- Everyone. - [chuckles]

This is the most beautiful Christmas tree I've ever seen.

[Amy] Oh, it's the most wonderful party.

I don't even miss the elves.

[bell ringing]

[laughing]

Hu, hu, hu!

- Merry Christmas! - [all laughing]

[Otis] Too much, Uncle Moe.

Moe, it's "ho, ho, ho," not "hu, hu, hu."

Ho, hu. So who's gonna sue me as long as I got the presents?

[upbeat music plays]

[closing theme music playing]

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