Original subtitles

[intro theme music playing]

[ringing]

Hello?

Oh, good morning, Ma.

Bernie, such news to start a day.

Your Aunt Ruthie is coming.

She's coming to visit the weekend.

Aunt Ruthie? Hey, that's terrific.

Ooh, I hope I can find the scroll she sent us from the Holy Land.

What is it, how long has it been since we've seen her?

Ah, who knows?

At least a year before you got married to Bridget.

Oh, yeah, it was at least a year before...

Bridget.

Oh, boy.

Uh, oh, boy on this end, too.

Ma, uh, let me check with you later, okay?

[Bernie] Okay.

What's with the "ho, boy"?

Well, uh... Oh, thanks.

Uh, it's my, uh, Aunt Ruthie.

She's flying back from Europe this morning.

You know, I was always her favorite nephew.

Well, that calls for a smile. I'd like to meet her.

Yeah. [chuckling]

Look, let me see if I can explain this, uh...

Aunt Ruthie is, uh...

Well, she always has been the kind of matchmaker in the family, you know?

So? She'll see you did quite well on your own.

Yeah. She was matchmaking me with, uh, Sandra Berg,

Hannah Schwartz, Bernice Greenbaum.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

You see, she's made almost every important match in the family.

Including the best one for herself.

Her late husband was one of the richest, most famous men in the Midwest.

Rabbi Morris Feldman.

Maybe I'll just quietly slip out of town for the weekend.

No, no. No way.

In the first place, you don't quietly slip by Aunt Ruthie.

And in the second place, I want her to meet you. I'm proud of you.

Uh-uh. When she gets here,

we're gonna go down those stairs hand in hand,

and I'm gonna say to her, "Aunt Ruthie, this is my bride.

Bridget Theresa Colleen Mary Fitzgerald."

Maybe we'll both slip quietly out of town for the weekend.

I know what you mean, Bernie.

I've got a great-aunt Agnes with the same set of symptoms.

If you're not Catholic, you're a stranger.

The thing is I love her. I mean...

she's a good lady.

I'd just like to break it to her a little slower, you know.

Like after she goes back to Cincinnati.

This weekend you're not gonna have any problems

because you're gonna substitute a nice Jewish girl for your wife.

Me.

- [gasps] - Ruthie.

[laughing]

- Ruthie. - Sophie.

Oh, my Moe, my little Moe.

Let me look. So handsome and healthy.

I haven't gotten a day older since I saw you last.

I got two years older,

and one of them was in the last 20 minutes.

You don't look so good, either.

- Sophie, my little sister. - [Sophie] Ruthie.

With Ruthie, everything is little.

Not everything, Sam.

You got something here hasn't been little for 20 years.

Oh.

So, where's my handsome nephew?

Sam tells me he's married.

We tried to write to you, Ruthie.

But the way you were moving around, who could catch a cyclone?

Ah, that's a naughty boy, getting married while I was away.

[groaning]

Sophie, the matches I could've made for him.

The Rothschild girl would've walked across the North Pole in snowshoes

when I showed her his picture.

Rothschild?

Isn't that a little rich for Bernie's blood?

After all, he's just a cab driver.

A cab driver?

A prince!

Entitled to a Jewish princess.

Ruthie, the boy fell in love.

So come on. Bring out Bernie's princess.

I'm getting high blood pressure waiting to meet her.

On that you got plenty of company.

You know what you got here?

[all] What?

A genuine replica from King Solomon's time.

My Bernie, with his tradition,

should've had one of King Solomon's daughters.

- Sophie? - Yes?

Someone just came in the store

who don't exactly look like King Solomon.

[Moe] Bridget, Ruthie might buy, but her father?

That's already another kettle of Irish stew.

Sam, why don't you show Ruthie to her room, huh?

Maybe she'd like to freshen up.

We've got an uptown customer in the deli.

Oh, boy.

Ruthie, come on. I'll show you to your room.

That'll be nice.

Well, Sophie, Moe.

Greetings, Walt.

Always good to see you, Walt, coming or going.

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, I mean, have you seen the kids?

Oh, Bernie's left. Bridget's left.

That only leaves you.

As long as I'm here, why don't I try a ham sandwich?

Careful, Walt, you might insult the smoked herring.

Would you settle for a corned beef?

Great! There's a special on corned beef down at Nate and Harry's.

You're not gonna send me to another delicatessen, are you?

Oh, we wouldn't want you to eat at a place

we don't always eat at ourselves.

[Ruthie] Sophie. Sophie?

But for a very special customers like relatives,

let me show you some of those exquisite meats

we keep in our kitchen.

Just a couple of ordinary slices will be fine. I'm not a collector.

I just remembered, I left my cosmetic case in your van.

And at my age, that's most of my face.

You know, this corned beef looks delicious.

Maybe I'll eat it at home.

I'll tell you something else you can eat at home,

some of that great pastrami I'm gonna show you right now.

Say, you know, your people have the same enthusiasm

for meat as I do for martinis.

Something's the matter with that door. It was stuck.

Well, why wouldn't it be with a 160 pounds of Sophie

leaning against it?

Oh, Ruthie, why argue here

when we got a nice apartment to argue in?

You haven't heard arguing yet.

Well, I guess, that about does it, Walt.

Anything else I can do for you?

Not unless you can tell me how I could come in here

looking for Bridget and Bernie

and wind up with corned beef, pastrami and a splitting headache.

Ma,

look, uh, yeah, well, it... it takes a little time

for the conversion.

All right, well, tell Aunt Ruthie we'll be right there.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Well, how about it, Bernie? Do I make a nice Jewish girl?

[laughs] Well, I don't know about that,

but you make a fantastic human being.

And I love you.

Well, from you, that's all I need to know.

But for Aunt Ruthie, I'd better be Jewish.

Look, uh, you really wanna convince her?

- Hmm. - Mmm-hmm?

Why don't we try this under? Okay?

[speaking Yiddish]

At first, I thought they were trying to get rid of me.

And then the next thing, before I knew it,

I was taking inventory of their meat department.

You know, there was a moment there when we were looking into the freezer

that I felt Moe would've liked to have pushed me in.

Oh, Walt, Moe wouldn't do a thing like that.

Mmm.

You weren't even wearing your topcoat.

Anyway, there was Sophie

and a strange little lady.

Who was she?

That's just it. I don't know.

It was as if they didn't want me to meet her.

It all sounds so strange, but I know it wasn't my imagination.

Oh, no. You're right.

That's the first thing you can rule out.

I just don't understand it.

Amy, have we done anything to insult them?

Nothing more than usual.

Aunt Ruthie. Hi, how are you?

- Oh, Bernie. - It's good to...

It's good to see you.

Uh, well...

Hey, I'm... I'm sorry you missed the wedding, but, uh...

you haven't missed the bride.

I'm very pleased to meet you, Aunt Ruthie.

I, too, my dear.

I wish I could say I knew all about you,

but actually you are the best kept secret around here.

But not anymore. Right, Bridget?

- Bridget? - Oh.

Who knows what that means in Jewish, Ruthie?

You know the strange names they give girls these days.

Bridget?

In 25 years with the rabbi,

10,000 names he called from the pulpit, not one Bridget.

I told you.

So maybe you were dozing when he said it.

Me dozing? I never doze.

I wrote most of my husbands' sermons.

I always say a rose by any name...

And that is some rose, eh, Ruthie?

I've seldom seen such blue eyes in a Rose Shapiro.

You never heard of contact lenses?

Or the blonde hair from the miracle rinse?

[Sam] And the little button of a nose.

Marvelous what they can do with plastic surgery.

Yeah, she certainly was some mess before I met her.

You see, uh...

Aunt Ruthie,

I'd like to propose a toast.

You mean a Bracha, dear?

I think a toast would be more appropriate.

[speaking Hebrew]

Well, what's everybody staring at?

Didn't anybody ever hear a nice welcome from a Jewish girl?

Welcome to the family, dear.

Thank you.

- L'chaim. - L'chaim.

[all] L'chaim.

That's beautiful, sweetheart.

A very strange little lady.

Anyway, something is bugging the Steinbergs.

I just wish I knew what it was.

You don't suppose that they're offended

because they haven't been invited to my birthday party, do you?

Hardly. We haven't even planned a birthday party.

Oh, well, then let's plan one, and I'll invite them.

Amy, you know, every once in a while you do come up with a good idea.

I do? When?

Just now.

If there was an insult, this will take care of it.

Oh, yes, Amy. We are having a birthday party.

I am inviting all the Steinbergs, the whole clan.

Come on, Moe, when are you gonna get married?

You're my only failure.

Only when I can find someone as gorgeous as you, Ruthie.

If she falls for that, she's not as smart as she looks.

You know what you got, Sam?

A mouth as big as your stomach.

[laughing]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, hello, Walt.

Sam, I've got something to ask you, but before I do,

I wanna warn you, I won't take no for an answer.

Well, I can't give you a no anyway, Walt.

Not until I hear the question.

Uh, well, it's, uh, it's an invitation, Sam,

to a birthday party for Amy this Friday night.

Now I can give you a no.

I can't accept it, Sam.

I mean, this is a direct request from the birthday girl.

She says it just wouldn't be a birthday party without all of you.

Believe me, Walt, I hate to disappoint her,

but Sophie's sister is in town, and we can't leave her alone.

So, I've played a few games of solitaire, Sam.

Go ahead.

It's Bridget's parents. We can see them anytime.

Bridget's parents?

You're gonna ship me back to Cincinnati

without a big hello from Bridget's parents?

[Ruthie] I'm dying to meet them. Count me in.

You heard her, Sam. And so did I.

[Walter] So now I know I won't take no for an answer.

You bring her along.

We'll give her a great big Irish welcome.

[cheerful music playing]

You know, up in my neighborhood, we worry about the little things

like crime, high rent, low wages.

But down here, you're wrestling with the heavy things

like who's Jewish.

Well, at least the older folks.

As a matter of fact, for quite a few of the younger ones,

who's Jewish is where it's at. I don't know.

Well, right or wrong, Bernie,

I don't wanna do anything that's gonna hurt Aunt Ruthie.

So, who does?

You know, you're lucky you don't have to introduce her to your best friend.

I mean even with a couple of "L'chaim you alls,"

I doubt I'd make it.

Watch the locks, baby.

Hey, man, can you imagine Aunt Ruthie

getting a rousing Irish welcome from the Fitzgeralds?

That's not an invitation to a party, that's an invitation to a wake.

Wait,

now we don't have to worry about a wake

if she's greeted at the party by a nice Jewish couple,

like my parents.

Jewish? You want me to become Jewish?

I just donated a pew to St. Patrick's Cathedral.

Oh, Walt, dear, don't you think you've had enough?

I thought so until I heard your daughter's latest request.

It's for Aunt Ruthie, Daddy.

We'd like her to go back home to Cincinnati happy.

And I want the archbishop of this diocese to be happy, too.

You'll like her.

And when you get to know her, she's a... she's a dear lady.

I'm sure she is and I probably would like her, but...

Walt, come on, please, do it.

It would be such fun to have a Jewish husband.

Amy, you'd have to be Jewish, too.

Oh, that's right.

We wouldn't want another mixed marriage in the family--

[gasping]

Oh, Bernie, I'm sorry.

Well, you know what I mean.

Gotcha.

Well, how about it, Daddy? Will you do it?

- Oh... - Oh, come on, Walt. Be a sport.

Look, it's... it's simple enough. You won't have to do much.

What do I do?

Well, I don't know. You throw in a couple of "shaloms".

It'll take care of itself.

Even if I agreed, I...

What about my son?

How does he come, dressed as a rabbi?

Oh, no, you don't have to worry about Mike.

Anyway, he's on a retreat for the weekend.

Oh, come on, Walt. For me.

Please, do it for my birthday.

You'll make an old lady very happy, Daddy.

And you'll make Aunt Ruthie happy, too.

All right. I'll do it. All right.

[Amy laughing]

[Amy] Thank you, Walt.

- Walt. - Hmm?

Welcome to the clan.

How about it, Aunt Agnes?

Now, come on. Mother hasn't seen you,

her... her... her favorite aunt, in over a year and a half.

[Agnes] Well, you certainly didn't miss your calling, Michael.

You're being very persuasive.

Now I know that this is short notice.

I was... I was supposed to go on a retreat myself

until I realized it was Mother's birthday.

So come on. Fly down.

I can't think of a nicer birthday surprise.

Well, it would give me a chance to meet Bridget's new husband Bernard, um...

- What was that name? - Steinberg.

Oh, yes.

How is it working out, Mike?

They would welcome your blessing.

All right, Mike. I'll go.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, I can hardly wait to see their joy.

Hey, I'll see you when you get here. Bye-bye

I, uh, I think like this. Okay.

Golda Meir would be so proud of you, Daddy.

[Amy] And so would Charlton Heston.

Charlton Heston?

Well, he was Moses, wasn't he?

Look, I don't mind being Jewish, Bernie,

but I'm not sure that I'm ready to be a rabbi.

Look, I promise you it won't come to that,

but Friday night's a pretty heavy night in the Jewish calendar.

Where's your yarmulke?

It's right here. It's right here.

At the beginning of the Sabbath, Daddy, a yarmulke is a must.

It symbolizes respect for God.

Oh, I wish I knew more about it.

But, well, I never had the advantages that you've had, Bridget.

Living over a delicatessen.

[doorbell ringing]

Oh, I couldn't feel worse if the stock market just crashed.

Will you relax? Relax.

Oh, I hope I pass.

You'll be fine, Mother. Just think Jewish.

Think Jewish. Let me see now, uh...

Eddie Fisher, Georgie Jessel.

Your guests are here, madam.

- Amy, happy birthday. - Happy birthday.

[exclaiming]

Oh, thank you, Samala.

[speaking Yiddish]

And I see you've brought us

another especially nice gift.

Walt and Amy, I want you to meet my sister-in-law, Ruthie Feldman.

These are Bridget's parents, Walt and Amy Fitzger...

Nice to meet you.

Uh, was that Fineberg?

Close.

No. Fitzgerald.

Fitzgerald?

Who knows why a person changes his name these days?

Lovely house.

Listen, in all my years with the rabbi, in all my travels,

I've heard our people called by French names,

Italian names, Yugoslavian names,

but Irish, never.

Mrs. Feldman.

[speaking Hebrew]

Oh.

You don't have to convince me, Mr. Fitzgerald.

Why, with that face, who could deny you're Jewish?

My friend Selma Goldblatt lived in Chicago, near Lake Forest.

Well, I introduced her in Rome on a Saturday

to an Italian Count,

Jewish, of course,

and by Monday, they were toasting me at their wedding.

Now they live in a palazzo outside Florence.

Of course, nothing compared to what you've got here.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, are there any single men in your family?

Oh, only our son, Mike, but he's a Father.

Oh, well, I have a girl for him in Indianapolis

who won't care how many children he has.

I suppose you're gonna say the Sabbath prayer in Hebrew, Walt?

Prayer?

Oh, the rabbi, my late husband, may he rest in peace.

Used to bring tears to my eyes when he said the prayer.

Well, just thinking about saying the prayer

brings tears to my eyes.

Excuse me, madam. You have a visitor.

Oh, who is it, Charles?

Um, I believe it's a surprise.

Oh!

Would you excuse me, please?

[Amy] Mike.

Happy birthday.

- Amy. - Agnes.

Oh, it's good to see you, dear.

Oh, I just can't believe it. [laughs]

Where did you come from?

Oh, I'm just so happy to see you.

But I don't suppose you could come back tomorrow?

Mom, this is your birthday, isn't it?

- Yes. - Oh, never mind, Mike.

I... I was so afraid she'd changed,

what with Bridget's marriage and all.

How's Walt holding up?

Aunt Agnes!

Good grief. He's broken down completely.

You're helping the Steinbergs celebrate their Sabbath?

The Steinbergs? Bridget's in-laws?

- Yes. - Wonderful. I'd love to meet them.

- Good evening, Walt. - Good evening, Aunt Agnes.

Oh, but... but... but... Oh!

Good evening, everybody. I'm Bridget's Aunt Agnes.

Ruthie, I...

Forget it, Sophie. There are very few Jewish nuns.

This is Mr. Steinberg, Mrs. Steinberg, Uncle Moe,

and there's Bernie.

This is the father I was supposed to match up?

Aunt Ruthie, uh...

Maybe it's about time I did a little explaining.

We...

love you.

And to prove that we love you,

some of us have spent...

most of the day trying to be what we're not.

To prove you love me, do you have to give me a heart attack?

Look, before you have it, listen to me.

Hey, you known me a long time.

And I always knew you were on my side.

Even when I was little, from that...

That first time you convinced Mama to let me ride alone on the bus to Cincinnati.

- Remember? - Mmm.

Have I ever let you down?

Never, Bernie. Never.

Well, I'm not gonna let you down now.

In the... months since Bridget and I have been married,

we've learned a great deal about each other's religions.

I've learned about hers through her brother, Michael,

and the Fitzgerald's,

and she's learned about ours

from Uncle Moe and Mama, Papa.

I'm not deserting my religion,

and she's not leaving hers.

We haven't deceived you all the way, Aunt Ruthie.

No, I'm not Jewish.

But that doesn't mean that I haven't learned to light the candles

as the woman of the house welcoming the Sabbath into her home.

Or into this one.

[speaking Hebrew]

Amen.

You know what you've got here, Bernie?

A rose. A real rose.

Well, maybe not a rose, Aunt Ruthie.

More like a Jewish shamrock.

[all chattering]

I'd like to propose a toast.

Uh...

from the late rabbi and myself.

To two fine young people

who somehow found each other

without my help.

Thank you for bringing us all together.

- Here, here. - [all] Here, here.

Oh, uh, while I still have the floor,

I'd like to make a little confession.

With apologies to, uh, Father Mike and Aunt Agnes.

[sighing]

You think I don't know my family well enough

to see when they're telling a little white lie?

And what we went through.

Now I'm having a heart attack.

Thank you for caring enough about me to tell it.

You may be starting a whole new tradition, Aunt Ruthie.

Drop by any weekend and we'll do it all again,

if Daddy's willing.

I don't know of anything that has ever given me more pleasure.

And I'm speaking for myself as well as for Mrs. Fitzger...

[all laughing]

The name is Fitzgerald, and don't you ever change it.

I can't wait to tell the sisters where I've been and what's happened tonight.

You do that, Aunt Agnes,

and they will be looking for another Mother Superior in the morning.

[laughter]

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