Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[upbeat music playing]

Now, Bernie, I know how you feel about accepting things from us.

You turned down the trip around the world, the portfolio of blue-chip stock.

I respect that.

It was dumb and stupid, but I respect that.

And I respect the, uh, healthy father-and-son-in-law relationship

that we're developing.

But I cannot respect you, Bernie, if you turn down this apartment.

- [Amy] It's uptown and adorable. - Uh-huh.

And we want you to accept a year's free rent from us

as our belated wedding present to you and Bridget.

I see.

Well, uh, one thing you can say for it, it certainly is compact.

It's 1,500 square feet, Bernie.

[grunts] Now, before you turn it down, think about this.

It has a private study where you can do all your writing.

And an electric kitchen with a built-in everything.

Well, you know, it sounds--

[Walter] The whole building is soundproofed.

[whispers] You can hardly tell you're in New York.

- Yeah. Well-- - Well, he hates it!

Daddy, what Bernie's trying to say is that...

well, it's beautiful, and we love the thought,

but we love our freedom and our independence more.

Besides, we don't want to move into a high-rent district

until we can afford it.

You can't afford free rent?

[Amy] Oh, Walt.

Oh, they must be poorer than we thought.

Come on, Amy.

I knew they wouldn't consider such a generous once-in-a-lifetime offer.

Of course we'll consider it.

If you wanna drive a cab and live in poverty...

- You will? - We will?

They will what?

We'll look at the apartment, first thing in the morning.

Oh, Bernie, you'll love it!

Come on, let's go before he changes his mind.

- Good night, children. - Good night, folks.

Good night, son.

Keep plugging, and you'll have my complete respect.

- I can hardly wait. - [door closes]

Since when did you decide to register Republican?

Okay. Come here, sit down.

Now, look, how many times

have your parents mentioned "wedding gift" to us?

What,15, 20?

Maybe... maybe it'd be a good thing to let 'em off the hook.

- Well, not if it's gonna put us on one. - Hey. Shh.

- Look, there are other reasons. - I like that reason.

Privacy, Bridge, without a thousand interruptions.

A chance to work on the play.

I still like that first reason best.

But are you sure?

Sure? Well, I don't know. Who can be sure?

I'm sure your parents will be happy. Maybe we'll be happy.

Yeah, but have you thought about, um...?

My parents.

You're thinking of doing what?

Uh, moving, Ma, to a slightly quieter place.

[Sophie whimpers shakily]

I think I'm gonna faint.

Well, nothing's settled yet, Mother Steinberg.

We're only going to look tomorrow.

Sam, call the doctor.

I think I'm having palpitations.

Look, in all fairness, I should say that if we like the place,

we are gonna move there.

Never mind the doctor, Sam. It's too late.

How could you afford such a place all of a sudden?

It's a wedding present from my parents.

Free rent for a year.

I don't understand it. I thought you enjoyed living upstairs.

We do, Dad.

Look, the thing is, first of all, we're gonna save a lot of money.

And what about all the lunches you won't get for nothing anymore?

Not to mention the doorman

and the parking attendant you'll have to tip.

Hmm. And what about all the flowers you'll have to buy every week

while I'm in the hospital?

[pleasant music playing]

[Bernie] Okay, we're just looking, not necessarily taking.

Pick you up in about 20 minutes.

That should give you a good enough look. See you later.

[Bridget] Here it is.

Everything money can buy and a little bit more.

[Bernie] I think a whole lot more.

[Bridget] Mm-hmm.

[Bernie] Twenty-first floor, huh?

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

We're not gonna do a lot of walking in our sleep.

[grand music playing]

[music swells]

I, uh, think we just died

and entered your father's idea of heaven.

It's even more impressive than the model.

[Bernie whistles]

Real marble.

How about this couch?

Could seat my family and yours

and not have to bring out the folding chairs.

Do you know something?

I think this is the first time I've ever seen an ashtray

that's worth more than I am.

- Yoo-hoo! - Welcome home, kids. [chuckles]

We thought that we would bring you a little bubbly

to welcome you to your new home.

Thanks, Daddy, but we really haven't made up our minds yet.

Oh, I understand, dear.

You know, sometimes it takes me hours just to pick out a new dress.

[Sophie] Yoo-hoo!

Anybody home?

Oh, don't mind us, darlings,

but we just took the practically overnight trip uptown

to bring you this coffee cake I made special.

Yeah, and to give you kids a ride back home

after you made up your mind not to stay.

Oh, Sam, I think that the kids have made up their mind to stay.

Yes, and who could blame them?

I mean, this place is just beautifully decorated.

Hmm. [chuckles] By who? An Eskimo?

A person could get snow blindness just from the whiteness.

Why, this is the finest six-ply carpet money can buy.

You could lose a golf ball in it.

[laughing] That's too bad. Bernie doesn't play golf.

By the way,

we just painted your bathroom.

You painted...

[scoffs] Ma, look, there's a good chance we're gonna be living here now.

Oh, just in case. You never can tell what could happen.

Maybe this building could be condemned.

Hardly.

This place has quality, class.

All the conveniences that money can buy.

Now, here is the air controller.

- It filters the air automatically. - Good thinking.

But if the windows are closed, where's the air?

The windows are closed, Sam, for a very good reason,

to keep out the noise, the odors, the smog.

[chuckles] Sure. I had a room just like this once in a hospital

when I got my appendix out.

- Remember? - Sure, I remember.

You almost died of claustrophobia.

Hey. Uh, folks, it's been fun watching the Ping-Pong game,

but, uh, Bridget and I haven't even had a chance to look at the apartment yet.

Listen, it, uh, really would be easier if you could let us decide by ourselves.

Sam, you know, my respect for your boy grows day by day.

Sophie, when his respect grows, we're in big trouble.

But we got no other choice.

Come on, Amy.

But... but, Walt, we haven't had a chance

to show the children the sunken bathtub yet.

I'm sure they'll find that by themselves.

Come on, let's go.

Uh, goodbye, Mom.

- Uh, goodbye, honey. - Goodbye, Bridget.

Goodbye.

- [Sam] Sophie. - All right, Sam.

But maybe on the way home we can drop by Mount Sinai Hospital

and make a reservation for me,

just in case the children decide to stay.

Ma.

[sighs]

Well, now that we've had it from both sides...

Um, what do you think?

I don't know.

- It's impressive. - Sterile's more like it.

Yeah, it's not exactly us, is it?

- Not by any means. - No.

So under the circumstances...

I think we should give it a try.

- You really mean that? - Yeah, why not?

[Bridget exclaims]

Okay. But if you change your mind, just say the word

and we'll move right back to our old apartment.

Is that a deal?

A deal.

[romantic music playing]

I just love the way you close a deal.

[typewriter clacking]

- [Bernie mutters] - [paper crumples]

[sighs]

Hey, Bridge?

Bridget?

Bridget? Bridget?

Bridge, this is Bernie calling. Bridget. Come in if you read me.

I am in.

It's terrific. I push a button and my wife appears.

I'd like to push a button and make this typewriter disappear.

Looks like the wastebasket's doing better than you are.

Yeah, well, who can think

with all this... silence?

Well, we'll just hope for a noisier tomorrow.

[sighs]

Bridge, I have time to shower before we eat?

Only if you can do it in 12 seconds.

Twelve seconds?

The micro-oven ran amok.

I put dinner in five minutes ago,

and it's been ready for three and a half minutes.

Well, that's all right.

So we'll eat now.

Only if you like your minute-and-a-half steak overcooked.

[droll music playing]

Hey.

Oh, I had quite a morning.

Nine dollars and 25 cents in tips.

Mm-hmm. But that is the best tip I've had all morning.

What tip? That's fair exchange.

What?

Right.

There you go.

Two bits? Is that all I'm worth?

Well, it's all I got left.

Two bucks to the doorman for watching the cab,

two bucks to the elevator man for keeping your packages,

and $5 to our lovely handyman

for fixing the famous microwave oven.

You know, if we both work at least 15 hours a day,

we just might be able to afford this free apartment.

- [Bernie] Bridge? - [Bridget] Hmm?

[Bernie] I hate to bother you, but my leg is falling asleep.

Sorry.

- Bernie? - What?

Your elbow is in my ear.

[sighs]

Sorry.

[sharp snap]

- Bernie? - Hmm?

Remember me telling you about when I was a little girl,

I fell on my roller skates, and I broke my wrist?

Yeah.

Well, think I just heard the other one snap.

That was my watch crystal. I rolled over on it.

[breathes deeply]

You know something, maybe... maybe we should sleep in separate beds.

Bernie, you don't love me anymore?

Sweetheart, it's not that.

I just miss our old double bed.

[grunts] And I'm not too crazy about waking up black and blue.

I'm also not too crazy about eating overcooked food.

Especially when I'm not hungry.

Oh, and that thing. That.

I really hate talking to you over an intercom.

You know, come to think of it, I detest tipping

from the time I get up in the morning until the time I go to bed at night.

As a matter of fact... [mutters]

- Bernie? - [typewriter clacking]

Sounds like you're inspired.

I am.

It's the first great idea I've had since we moved in.

Bernie!

- You don't like it? - Like it?

I think it's the most beautiful thing you've ever written.

Oh, good. Well, let's hope the building manager thinks so too

so he'll refund your old man's money and let us out of this lease.

[Bridget exclaims]

Sorry.

A lease is a legal and binding document.

- There's no way you or I can break it. - Come on, Mr. Morrison.

Now, there must be a couple of loopholes somewhere.

There are no loopholes in our leases, Mr. Fitzgerald.

[sighs] Steinberg.

I beg your pardon?

Uh, you said Fitzgerald.

My name is Steinberg. Bernard Steinberg.

Oh, there must be some mistake. Please.

Oh, yes, here.

See, this lease was signed by Walter Fitzgerald.

That's my father. This apartment was his wedding gift to us.

Then you're not a Fitzgerald?

[chuckles softly] Ever seen a delicatessen in County Cork?

I see.

Well, I think perhaps if we look,

we might be able to find a loophole in your lease, Mr. Steinberg.

[quirky music playing]

Under the circumstances, Mr. and Mrs. Steinberg,

we wouldn't want you to be unhappy.

And since you'd feel better if you found another place--

It all seems so simple now that you know our name is Steinberg.

If you're implying that there's any kind of religious discrimination involved,

that is not permitted by law, Mrs. Steinberg.

Mm-hmm. How about discrimination against a tenant

who drives a cab and whose folks own a delicatessen?

However, if you choose to move to a place that's more compatible,

here is our standard release form.

- Mm-mm. - What does "mm-mm" mean?

I'm changing my mind.

I thought... I mean, you said that you wanted to--

Wrong, Mr. Morrison.

You said the lease is a legal and binding document.

Well, yes, but there are exceptions.

It's because of those exceptions that we're not moving.

Maybe I shouldn't have involved you in this.

Do you really think our staying here's enough to make them realize

that they're living in the 20th century?

Well, it'll do for openers.

And listen, don't worry about Morrison or the Manchester Arms,

because the beautiful thing is there's nothing they can do about it.

[tense music playing]

Or is there?

Oh, I see. It's not, uh, all the lights?

Uh-huh. Just ours.

Well, how long before you can get somebody up here to fix them?

- Two days? - Two days?

- He's gotta be kidding. - You've gotta be kidding.

You're not kidding.

I didn't think he was.

Okay. Thanks, friend.

Sweetheart, they're out to get us.

I think you've got that backwards. They want to get us out.

Yeah, well, they don't know what they're letting themselves in for.

I hope you haven't got that backwards.

Bridget, what's going on?

Hey, that's terrific. Leave the door open. You're making a nice draft.

Listen, I don't read smoke signals very well.

What's happening?

Guess what we're having as a surprise.

The fire department.

No, dinner, silly. You know what it is?

I don't even know what it was.

Bridget burgers, specialty of the house.

Really?

Sweetheart, we're gonna stick this out

even if we have to go to the Automat to do it.

[Walter] Hi there.

I've been calling you all afternoon, but I haven't been able...

Are you two holding some sort of powwow?

Uh, sit-in is more like it.

Oh. Well, every time I called, I--

[sniffs] What is that terrible odor?

It was supposed to be dinner, Daddy.

Well, what were you cooking, sneakers?

The oven doesn't work. The lights don't work.

Neither does the air conditioning nor the hot water.

The phone's out of order too. That's probably why you couldn't reach us.

But the Manchester Arms is supposed to be a luxury apartment.

Oh, it is. It is.

For all the acceptable tenants.

Hey, this smells just like the stuff my mother used to burn.

This is a nightmare, Otis.

Bernie is trying to make me believe that this whole building is falling down.

No, no, not the whole building, Mr. Fitzgerald,

just this apartment.

I hate to say it, Daddy,

but they're trying to drive us out because Bernie's Jewish.

Bernie? My son-in-law?

- [scoffs] In this day and age? - You guessed it.

Well, that's ridiculous.

- Why'd you tell 'em? - Is that your answer, Daddy?

Oh, well, no, of course not.

It's just that I find it preposterous that you two can be driven out

when one of you isn't even Jewish.

[Otis] I'll tell you what, Mr. Fitzgerald.

Why don't I move in alone and then none of us will be Jewish?

Oh, come on, kids. You know what I mean.

I think that this is a disgrace, even if it weren't against the law.

I think they're still working on the law that covers snobbery, Mr. Fitzgerald.

- Did you talk to the owner about this? - We don't even know his name.

Otis, what'd you find out?

Well, after poring through tons of records and red tape, I found out one thing.

What?

He's unlisted.

The man's as invisible as Howard Hughes.

Well, maybe there's a way we can flush him out.

- I'm all for that, but how? - Simply. Just go fishing.

And if the big one isn't biting, we'll use better bait.

Terrific. What are you gonna use for bait?

How about the Manchester Arms?

[jazzy cymbals playing]

[playing upbeat rock music]

Oh, Walt, you know, I never realized

that fighting prejudice could be so much fun.

Well, why don't you just tell that to your ladies' club,

and maybe you can throw one of these every month

for some group that's being currently persecuted.

Oh, Walt, that's a wonderful idea.

A Minorities of the Month Club.

Oh, dear, I do hope there are enough minorities to go around.

Uh, let me see, now. One for every month.

January, February...

Here he is, our champion.

Like David fighting Goliath.

Well, if you don't mind, Sam,

could you make that St. Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland?

Whoever you are,

this morning it was over my dead body that the kids stay.

But now it's over my dead body they leave.

No matter what those kids do, I'm putting flowers on a grave.

Bernie, pay dirt.

Well, this party must be better than I thought.

I wasn't expecting Morrison up here for at least another eardrum.

Hey, Mr. Morrison, would you like a drink?

- How about a noisemaker? - [rattles]

Listen, how are you on electric guitar?

- Not very tolerant. - Hmm.

Mr. Morrison, I think that's already been established.

- Oh, hey, come on in. - Hi.

About you and your friends disturbing the peace,

now, are you gonna force me to call the police?

We were hoping so.

Yeah, uh, particularly the sergeant in this precinct.

I think his name's Cohen.

And you don't have to bother calling the newspapers and television either.

We'll be glad to take care of that.

Good. You make that call,

and I'll call the State Division of Human Rights.

You're making it very difficult, Mr. Steinberg.

Mm-mm. Wouldn't have it any other way.

That is, at least until you show up with the landlord.

Listen, uh, could you guys crank up those amplifiers?

[band playing louder]

- That loud enough? - What'd you say?

You just answered my question.

No need for alarm, Mrs. Van Alden.

We're taking all the steps necessary.

Rest assured we have the situation well in hand.

[dog growls, then barks]

Shalom.

[upbeat rock music continues]

Amy, Walt, I think we're getting to 'em.

When me and the yeshiva students walked through the lobby,

you could hear leases breaking all through the building.

[both laughing]

This is an outrage, Mr. Morrison.

I wasn't aware that my lease included a carnival.

Tenants, please. We're doing everything we can.

From now on, things can only get better.

- The management-- - [tambourines jingling]

[dog snarling]

- Father, thank heavens you're here. - Why? ls someone dying?

Well, someone may be unless you can talk to those people.

They won't listen to reason.

Well, if you're talking about the Steinbergs, I'm on my way in.

Oh, thank you. Then you'll help out?

I hope so. They need me desperately on the bongos.

Look, Mr. Morrison, believe me,

this isn't my idea of how to throw a fun party.

But it's also not my idea having an apartment that's heat less, airless--

And Jewless. You're being too soft on him, Bernie.

Morrison, unless we get satisfaction immediately,

I will be forced to bring my lawyers in.

Perhaps you've heard of the firm.

The attorney general used to be their office boy.

Mr. Fitzgerald, sir, I am only an employee here.

I just carry out orders.

That is exactly what this whole board meeting is about!

Now, I want a showdown with the man who gives the orders.

Who owns this building?

I've been trying to find out all evening, sir.

You see, all our leases are made out by the McReynolds Corporation.

Get McReynolds on the phone right now.

It's not that simple.

McReynolds is a subsidiary of Senwick Enterprises.

Okay, then get Senwick on the phone.

Well, I can't do that.

It seems that Senwick Enterprises is part of a conglomerate

called Global investments.

Well, who owns that?

Uh... [clears throat]

Actually, I do.

You always wanted a surprise party, Walt.

Well, here it is.

Surprise.

[upbeat music playing]

You heard me.

As head of the conglomerate that owns the corporation

that owns the company that owns that building--

? And a partridge in a pear tree ?

Mike.

I demand that you stop violating the law immediately.

Now... No, never mind about Morrison. I fired him.

And I fired the board of directors too.

Listen, that building is to be open to everyone,

regardless of race, creed, or color.

'Cause if it isn't, you're gonna have to fire yourself.

You know, Walt, I gotta tell you something.

You changed from a bad guy to a good guy to a bad guy--

Back to a good guy again.

[Mike] Here. Dad, listen, the next time you buy a conglomerate,

you'd better read the small print.

Well, Walt, dear, now that the children can stay--

- Oh, I think I'm gonna kill myself. - Sophie.

Ma, I think we'll save you the trouble.

We're gonna move back.

We... we miss the old neighborhood.

You know, the sounds of the city coming through the open windows.

Not to mention the smell of salami.

Well, if you stay, I'll buy you all the salami you can smell.

Well, thank you, Dad.

The apartment's a lovely gift, but we really can't accept it.

Oh, dear.

Do you think it would do any good if I said I was gonna kill myself?

- Oh! [laughs] - [Amy laughs]

[upbeat music playing, then ends]

[closing theme music playing]

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