Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[Amy] But they've got to agree to a religious ceremony, Walt.

A civil ceremony just isn't enough.

The Steinbergs letting our Bridget and their Bernie remarry

in a Catholic ceremony? Never.

Walt, just because they're Jewish doesn't mean they're not human.

And after all, with our son a priest

and our daughter practically raised in a convent,

what could they say?

I think the expression is "oy vey."

You're forgetting how persuasive I am when I'm aroused.

You know, last week at that luncheon for the Sisters of Teresa Orphanage,

I single-handedly raised $32,000.

Thirty thousand of it was ours.

Well, there you are.

You see, when I heard my speech, I couldn't resist.

You leave Sophie Steinberg to me.

[elegant piano music playing]

Such a big menu for such a small place.

Sophie. So speaking of the children,

uh, well, the whole purpose,

you know, in this... in this meeting was so we could talk.

Not as, uh...

Well, not as Amy Fitzgerald and Sophie Steinberg

or, well, even as two women but, well, as two mothers.

Yeah. After all, that is something we've got in common.

Yes.

Well, anyway, I know that the children have had a civil ceremony,

but, Sophie, don't you feel

that there was something missing at their wedding?

You said it. Me.

I meant something even more important than that.

Something spiritual.

You know, Sam and I had that same missing feeling.

Oh, Sophie, their union should've been blessed by God.

Have I got my ears on right?

You'd agree to have them get married all over in a religious service?

Agree?

Oh, Sophie, that was the...

that was the whole point in this meeting.

Oh, of course we'd agree.

Well, we were afraid that you wouldn't agree.

Me? Amy, on my knees I'd get down for a religious ceremony.

[exclaims, then laughs]

Walt is just going to be so happy when I tell him.

I told you not to get smashed at lunch.

Honestly, Walt, I didn't touch a drop.

And you're trying to tell me

that she was willing to have a Catholic ceremony?

Walt, I was as surprised as you

when she agreed, in her own words,

to get down on her knees.

[upbeat KLEZMER music playing]

The Fitzgeralds agreeing to a Jewish wedding?

I wouldn't believe it in a million years.

Would my ears lie? With my own ears I heard.

She agreed to a Jewish wedding.

Look, next time you have the car washed,

leave the windows open so it can also wash out your ears.

I don't know why you're fighting it, Walt.

I mean, she was the one who suggested it.

Why? That's what I wanna know. Why?

I don't know, but...

Well, maybe she just wanted to bring peace and unity to our families.

Ha! There's an ulterior motive.

I'll bet my Knights of Columbus medal on it.

Oh. And who do they want for the rabbi, Bishop Sheen?

Don't argue with me. Argue with her ears.

The woman was a pussycat.

Would I lie to you? She agreed.

So, okay, so she agreed, and you agreed, and I agreed.

Well, what about the party of the first part?

What about those kids?

The kids.

You know, I never thought about them.

Well, start thinking.

Bishop Sheen doesn't enjoy conducting a wedding just for the altar boys.

Oh, I'm sure they'll agree.

They have to agree.

They're not married in the eyes of God.

So who's gonna wake 'em up and tell 'em?

[Walter] Well, it's about time that we got you over to the club

for one of our Saturday lunches, Bernie.

Is this your first time in here?

It may be the first time any Steinberg's been in here.

Well, it won't be the last, you can bet your mezuzah on that.

Not only such a homemaker but also such a coffee maker.

I haven't tasted such delicious coffee except on one of those TV commercials.

Thank you, Mother Steinberg.

No wonder my Bernie is such a almost happy man.

She may not talk about it, but, uh,

well, you raise a daughter through parochial school,

her first communion, confirmation,

and then she runs off to City Hall.

Do you think she really feels married?

Well, she's never asked to see the license, Mr. Fitzgerald.

[chuckles] You know what I'm driving at, son.

When a girl lights candles all her life,

she doesn't want to be married in the dark.

I had no idea it was so important to Bernie.

Listen, for a boy who's been bar mitzvahed,

who got straight A's in his Hebrew class, not important?

Every night that you're kneeling at the foot of your bed praying,

he's dreaming of a Jewish ceremony.

Well, if that's what Bridget wants, a Catholic ceremony is, uh...

It's fine with me.

Well, I'm not sure I can deliver my parents.

Bernie boy, when you look out of the corner of your eye,

you'll see your parents kneeling right beside you.

A rabbi?

A priest?

Boy, do we have a problem.

Uh-uh. Correction...

they've got the problem.

Well, in this case, their problem is our problem.

Our mothers went to a great deal of trouble

to agree to this misunderstanding.

You know, I've never heard of a generation gap

between the same generation.

My mother could have a misunderstanding just talking to herself.

Well, relax, sweetheart, because I think

King Solomon's got the solution.

Great. But do you mind if I tell my folks it was the pope?

The Fitzgeralds are coming here?

Ma, you don't have to do anything. The house looks fine.

They're only gonna be here for a few moments, Mother Steinberg.

"A few moments, Mother Steinberg."

Sam, it's a double barrel. That means an announcement.

Moe, get the champagne.

Champagne? What champagne?

I've been saving a bottle in the deli

between the celery tonic and the beet borscht.

My sister, the bon vivant.

[doorbell buzzes]

Welcome to the fold, lantzman.

Hello, Moe, Sam, Bridget, Sophie.

Hello, son.

Mother and I are ready for the big news.

Oh! We did it! I'm so happy!

It's worth everything you spent on the lunch.

Sam, you have a fine boy there.

He's proving that you Jews aren't as clannish as people say.

We've been waiting 2,000 years to hear that.

I hate to break up this love-fest, but we have an announcement.

Bridget and I would be delighted to get married in a religious ceremony.

Wait a minute.

- Moe, hurry with the champagne! - [Bernie] Ma, would you wait?

Now, there's only one thing, one small question.

If we do get married again, who's gonna perform the ceremony?

Oh, that's already been agreed on, Bernie.

With my own ears.

- By a priest. - By a rabbi.

Sam.

Sam, you... you said rabbi. You meant priest.

Here it comes.

Just a second, big spender.

It's your Walt. He got his priest mixed in with our rabbi.

[Amy] Sophie, I distinctly remember you saying

you agreed to a Catholic ceremony.

You must have been listening through your fruit cocktail.

You don't remember okaying a rabbi?

Oh, Walt, I would never agree to a rabbi.

Well... you know how I feel about beards.

She couldn't sell me a priest with seven lunches.

Well, I'm not stepping foot in any synagogue.

And no priest is ringing bells in my ears.

Not if I get a special dispensation from the pope.

Not if the chief rabbi of Jerusalem gave me his blessing.

Come and get it!

Champagne for the happy families.

I'm sorry, Uncle Moe.

I don't think we're gonna need the champagne,

because it looks like there isn't gonna be any wedding.

[somber music playing]

For that announcement I could've brought the beet borscht.

- Bernie? - Hmm.

Do you realize that we haven't had a call,

not a word, from either of our parents?

- Absolute silence. - Mm-hmm.

But with our luck, it'll never last.

[doorbell buzzes]

My mother.

The Jewish silence is about to be broken.

Ooh, do I have the wrong number. Michael, come in.

- Thank you. - [Bernie] Okay.

- Hey, darling. - Hi.

- Hey, hey, what is this? - What's the matter, you jealous?

Well, how could I be jealous when you're her brother and a priest?

And an emissary, not only from up there

but from a downstairs delicatessen and an uptown mansion.

You've got our parents talking to each other.

[tuts] Honey, what do you want from me? Miracles?

No, they came to me with a problem, and I think I've found a solution.

That is, if you kids agree to getting married again

in a religious ceremony.

Well, I agreed to it yesterday

when Mrs. Steinberg was becoming my mother.

I did too,

when I was getting your old man kicked out of his club.

You know what we're trying to say, Michael.

If it were up to us, we'd love a religious ceremony.

- Yeah. - We missed it.

But how do we do it without starting a holy war?

Well, I've officiated at certain weddings with a clergyman of a different faith.

Methodist, uh, Congregational, Episcopal...

What does that group of other nations have to do with Israel?

So I don't see any reason why we can't do it with the right rabbi

and the right couple.

Well, I can think of a couple of reasons,

downstairs and uptown.

A rabbi and a priest under the same roof?

And us along with them?

That's a solution? That's a revolution, not a solution.

Sam, you're in the 20th century.

They're shooting astronauts to the moon already.

Astronauts, maybe,

but nobody's shooting Sam Steinberg into any mixed ceremony.

Look, Sam, if you want the kids to get married,

half a loaf is better than none.

Sam, if Rabbi Golden is willing to be our half a loaf,

who are we to argue with God?

Hey. Parents of the groom, say hello to my best man.

Oy, we've just been whittled to a third of a loaf.

[Otis] Hey, Mr. Steinberg,

I understand we're gonna be making history in a couple of weeks.

Don't count on me.

Come on, Mr. Steinberg.

If a soul brother can be there, you can be there.

Dad, it'll be fine. You'll feel right at home.

Just a nice little wedding.

How little is little?

Ma, just the immediate family.

Oh, I'll, uh, have my adoption papers here in the morning, Mrs. Steinberg.

Come on.

Well, immediate. That makes it simple. Here we are.

You're forgetting about Uncle Max and Aunt Rhoda and her three children.

They're pretty immediate.

Sophie.

Isn't that stretching the immediate?

Stretching the immediate will be when we invite Cousin Sadie

and Cousin Myer from Flatbush.

And what's wrong with Minnie and Ben Goldberg

and their five kids who moved to Philadelphia?

I've got them on the list.

I'll tell you what you haven't got on the list, Miss Immediate.

My entire side of the family, that's what.

Mother, no Clara Stewart Catering or Peter Duchin Orchestra.

This... this is supposed to be an intimate family wedding.

Oh, all right, dear, if that's what you want.

But... well, I just can't see the harm in just a small Peter Duchin Orchestra.

Can you, Walt?

For this wedding, I can't see the harm

in Borrah Minevitch and his Harmonica Rascals.

Just keep thinking small and intimate, okay?

Bye-bye, Mom.

Now, you heard her, Amy.

Yes, Walt, I heard her, and I am thinking.

I'm thinking...

how can we have a small, intimate wedding

in St. Patrick's Cathedral?

You know, between your father the tycoon,

and my mother the press agent...

this nice quiet wedding is turning out to be a three-ring circus.

Bernie, I hate what's happening as much as you do.

Hey, you know, I got half a mind not to show up tomorrow.

Bernie, we can't do that.

Too much time and money has been spent to call this whole thing off.

Ooh, right. How could I forget the money?

Your old man certainly knows how to throw it around.

Look, you're not pinning this whole thing on my father.

No, no. I'm sure your mother had something to do with it too.

I'm surprised she didn't rent Madison Square Garden.

[Bridget] Well, maybe she should have

so there'd be room for your mother's immediate family.

Well, I'll tell you one member of my mother's immediate family

that you may not have to worry about, me.

Because I don't have to show up tomorrow.

Thanks a lot.

Maybe it would've been better if you hadn't shown up the first time.

[melancholy music playing]

Hey, what are we doing?

We let our parents back us into a corner.

I mean, isn't that why we took off for City Hall in the first place?

Can you believe it?

The religious ceremony is turning out to be tougher than the marriage.

I love you.

Of course we'll go through with the ceremony, but...

let's not let the pressure of the families get to us.

Sweetheart, I'm sorry.

I was wrong. I didn't mean to hurt you.

Aren't you ever gonna talk to me again?

Ooh.

When you talk to me like that,

you know I could listen... all night long.

[bell tolling]

Dad, will you relax? I'm the one who should be nervous.

- It's me that's getting married. - Beautiful.

Well, Bernie, son. Handsome father, handsome boy.

[laughs] Jacobi's Rental had a field day.

Bernie, as your father-in-law and your father-in-law-to-be,

I have taken care of all the details for the ceremony and the reception,

but there is one little detail

that only you as the groom can help me with.

You, uh, need some money for the rabbi?

[laughing] Oh, no.

But, uh, could we, uh, stand over here for just a moment?

Now, look, this is just a formality,

but it is rather important to Mother Fitzgerald and to me.

Now, if you would just sign your name right...

- Sign what? What is this? - Just... just sign it right there.

Hold it. Nobody's signing.

"Children to be brought up Catholic"?

Children to be brought up Jewish.

- Where does it say Jewish? - Dad.

- Right here. Now, let's do it. - Dad, will you wait--?

Mr. Steinberg, you are defacing an important document.

I deface?

How could a man deface something from someone who is two-faced?

Dad, will you relax?

[door opens]

What's going on? I could hear you all the way down the hall.

Sweetheart, it's all right. It's nothing.

Nothing? You call this paper nothing?

[Otis sighs]

Oh, Daddy, how could you?

The Church doesn't require people to sign this anymore.

No grandchildren of mine are gonna be brought up Catholic.

No grandchildren of mine are gonna be brought up Jewish.

Boy, your timing is great.

Bernie and I came here to get married,

and you're arguing about grandchildren that haven't been born yet.

You were right, Bernie. There's not gonna be any wedding.

[somber music playing]

[dramatic music playing]

[tires screech]

[indistinct dialogue]

Bridget!

How do you like that?

My nephew ties the knot twice to the same girl,

and I miss them both.

This one we all missed, Uncle Moe.

The wedding's off.

But...

Couldn't be she got cold feet.

Bernie's been keeping them warm for three weeks.

Where is she? Where's my baby?

I've got to talk to her.

First talk to me. What happened?

Bridget, she got upset.

Binoculars I didn't need to see that.

I upset her, that's what happened. Me and mouth...

No, I upset her by throwing that paper at Bernie.

If I'd butted out and didn't scratch in, it never would have happened.

- That's right. - I upset her.

[Moe exclaims]

I'm sorry, Bernie. It was our fault.

We're a couple of foolish old men. Will you forgive us?

- It's all right, Pop. - Bernie, can the wedding still go on?

Well, at the moment, only if I marry my best man.

Hey, that's too mixed a marriage for me, baby.

Well... Give it a try.

Well, it's all my fault. I ...

Sometimes I just don't know when to stop pushing.

No, no, no, it's my fault.

It's just that I got such a loud mouth.

No, no, no, it's my fault. I-I-I pushed him too far.

Well, if you say so.

[Bridget] Uncle Moe?

[tender music playing]

Will you marry me?

Oh, yes.

I'm very happy to be a part of this ceremony,

to bless two fine young people such as yourselves,

Bernard, Bridget,

and to bring two fine families together in the eyes of God and man.

I am a rabbi, and my colleague is a priest.

And yet the truth of God never changes.

And what is the truth of God

but to teach man to live in harmony with his fellow man?

And since I am Rabbi Golden's fellow man,

I too am very happy to be here,

to show that two young people of different faiths

can meet on the common ground of love.

Perhaps this marriage here today will not only prove

that two people can live together in peace and harmony

but point the way where nations can live in harmony with nations,

people can live in harmony with people,

and religions can live in harmony with religions.

- Who gives this girl in marriage? - I do.

And I give the groom.

Bernie... do you take Bridget to be your lawful wedded wife,

to love and to cherish her in sickness and in health,

till death do you part?

[romantic music playing]

I do.

Bridget...

do you take Bernie to be your lawful wedded husband,

to love and cherish him in sickness and in health,

till death do you part?

I do.

Bernard, will you place the ring on her finger?

[romantic music rises]

In the name of God and mankind,

I pronounce you man and wife.

[golden] May the Lord bless you and keep you.

And may the Father of us all lift up His countenance upon you

and give you health and happiness and contentment and fulfillment

and, above all, peace for you and all men.

[all] Amen.

[romantic music swells]

[Otis] Smile, please, gentlemen.

[Amy and Sophie laugh]

- [Sophie] Don't you drink too much. - [Otis] Ladies, cheese.

- Oh! - Cheese.

- Do you know something? - Do I? I don't know.

When we all had our hands together there,

it was kind of like our parents were getting married too.

Yeah.

[Sam] What? You're gonna pay in my delicatessen?

Mr. Steinberg, the tradition is for the father of the bride to pay.

You're talking to me about tradition? Let me tell you about tradition.

I'm talking about paying for chopped liver,

you're giving me Fiddler on the Roof.

Listen, Mr. Shamrock, you can learn from Sholem Aleichem.

Quick, Father, Rabbi, another ceremony, hmm.

It'll take them more of a miracle than that, Uncle Moe.

Maybe a grandchild.

Mm. Only if it's twins,

one Catholic and the other Jewish.

[all laughing]

[upbeat music playing]

[theme music playing]

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