Original subtitles

(crickets chirping)

(crowd cheering)

- You got it.

Yeah, yeah, you got it.

Come on!

- Where's your pink pussycat, princess?

- It's at home, covering up my giant dildos.

Where's yours?

(crowd cheering)

- Winner!

- Suck my tits!

- Suck her tits!

- Yeah!

Oh shit, I'm just getting warmed up!

Now which one of you buttholes is next?

- [Woman] This butthole!

(tense music)

- Fucking Brenda.

- Hey, Danny.

(rock music)

Jerry.

- [Woman] Oh shoot, it's Bonecrusher

versus the Dominator!

(crowd chattering)

- [Referee] Ready, go!

- Crush those bones!

- Come on, you got 'em.

Come on, you got 'em, you got 'em.

(screeching)

- God, oh fuck!

Jerry, flip this table over!

You dirty cheat.

- Oh, looks like you won't be going to Nationals, Danny.

(bashing)

(fists bashing) (furniture crashing)

- Oh shit.

(groaning) Oh shit.

- [Woman] Ice, ice, ice, ice.

- Oh god.

- I think it's broken.

- Oh, no, no ,no, no.

There's no fucking way

that she broke my wrist.

I mean hey, if it was broken, could I do this?

Oh, fuck!

Jerry, crush that can, fuck.

(can clanking)

- She tore the ligament in my shoulder.

- This is just like Pittsburgh a month ago.

- She's getting rid of all the competition

so that she can get the grand slam.

- You were the best chance we had of beating her.

And now your arm is fucked.

- Yeah, and there is no way in hell I'm gonna let her

win this tournament.

We need somebody new.

Somebody she's not expecting.

We need a ringer.

(light relaxed music)

- That should do it.

- Oh, great.

I don't get these going in the next 10 minutes,

I'll lose the day.

- She's back up and running.

- Awesome, thanks, Sue Ellen.

How much do I owe you?

Wow, that's more than I was expecting.

- Sorry, sweety.

It's on its last legs.

I did what I could.

Or I could get you a new one for 8,000.

- Okay.

Okay, so you can run all three of these.

- I only need one.

- No, you'll need to run all three.

Sorry.

(light music)

- Hey, ex-wifey.

- Steve, what are you doing here?

- Don't freak out, I just came by to say hi.

Oh, and these finally came.

- I asked you to mail these to my apartment.

- Ugh.

Well, I was in the hood

and I wanted to make sure you didn't burn the place down.

If you do, we could split the insurance money. (chuckling)

- I'm not gonna burn the place down.

- Ah, you wouldn't do it.

Someone else would do it.

And noone'll be in here, noone's gonna get hurt.

It was a joke.

Whatever.

- Please, don't.

Have you washed your hands?

- What, no, why?

- You're touching food that I'm going to serve.

- If you're gonna have a fit, okay?

- I'm not having a fit,

I'm just asking you to have clean hands.

- If you're gonna be hysterical, I'm gonna leave.

Okay, I don't need this anymore.

- Okay. - All right, fine.

- Okay. - Jeez.

- Thank you for dropping these off.

- Yeah, you're welcome.

Ugh, what?

What is going on here?

That donut sucks.

- That's not a donut, that's bread.

- A donut is bread.

(pensive music)

- Boo! (Melanie exclaiming)

(bashing)

Oh, ow! - Oh, Danny!

- Oh, shit! - Oh my god.

I'm so sorry. - My titty!

- I'm so sorry.

- Oh my god.

Hi, Mel! - Hi!

Hi, Danny.

Oh, you really scared me. - Oh, shit.

No, it's fine.

Oh sorry, you spilled your papers.

Oh. - I'll take those.

Give me the papers. - What papers?

I don't have any papers. - Give it to me.

Please give it to me.

- Whoah.

Decree of dissolution of marriage?

Holy shit, that's awesome, Mel!

And it's fucking shitty.

But in the long run it's awesome,

but right now it's gonna be awful.

Sorry, Mel.

- It's good to see you.

- [Danny] It's good to see you too.

- Sorry I punched you in the breast.

- No, it felt really cool.

- It did?

- Yeah.

I'm so glad you threw the trash out finally.

I've been back there for like six hours.

- I'm sorry I haven't called.

Are you okay?

- Oh yeah, this is nothing.

I'm sorry I haven't called.

I've been just as bad.

- What have you been up to?

- Oh, man, Mel.

I've been doing this like transatlantic route

and I was able to get myself my own rig.

- That's so cool!

- Yeah, right? (chuckling)

- Ugh, this lady's the worst.

- Who is she?

(chime tinkling)

- Hi, how are you?

- [Customer] Hi, super busy.

- Oh yeah.

Well I have your small cappuccino with extra foam.

- And where is my scone?

- Oh.

Are you sure?

- I'd like to have my scone that comes free

when I order.

- Mhmm, okay.

- God.

- Mhmm.

- Okay.

- (gasping) Ugh!

- Have a great day.

- Have a great day?

What the hell, Mel?

- What am I gonna do, fight her over it?

- Yeah, you're gonna go out there and kick her ass

and then slash her tires.

- Danny, you know the customer is always right.

- You know what would determine

who's right and who's wrong?

A good old-fashioned arm wrestling match, huh?

- What, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

- Oh, come on, you used to do it all the time.

- Yeah, when I was a kid!

Or as a goof in college, you know,

when we couldn't decide what to get for takeout.

(grunting)

Calzone wins again, yeah! - Dammit.

Please don't tell my mom I look like this.

I mean you always won.

- Well, arm wrestling isn't gonna solve

my problems anymore.

- I don't know.

I still think you should arm wrestle her.

- I don't know, it's not worth it.

- Oh, what?

Mel, are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm great.

- You know what?

You need to do like an eat, pray, love thing.

(Melanie chuckling)

Come with me on the road.

I got a shipment to Detroit.

Oh, it's been so long since we've gotten to hang out

and you could see me in action!

- Yeah.

- Think about it, just me, you and the open road.

It'll be fun.

- I wish I could but I can't.

- Mel, you gotta get outta here.

You gotta go see things and try things.

Rather than just hiding behind that apron

like a depressed, underweight Bobby Flay.

- Hey, if anything, I'm a depressed,

underweight Barefoot Contessa.

And I'm not hiding, I just can't afford

to drop everything and leave.

- What if I split my pay with you?

You could share the driving with me.

It's illegal but who cares?

They don't ever stop women. (chuckling)

It'll be fun.

I think you really need this.

- I'm sorry, I can't.

- Okay.

- And I do need you to get out from behind the counter

'cause it's a health code violation.

- Oh, is it?

- Yeah.

- I do lose my hair in chunks, so.

- Oh.

- I'll see you later.

(light music)

Brenda the Bonecrusher is poised to win the nationals?

Oh, goddammit, she does look pretty hot there.

This is a fucking good website.

It's like she hired someone.

God!

God, she sucks!

Shit!

(light relaxed music)

(bell dinging)

- Ugh.

Oh, not again! (sighing)

So Danny, how much do you usually make

on a Kansas City to Detroit run?

I was doing some calculations on my phone

and I think that I can keep the bakery closed

for about a week?

- [Danny] Okay.

- But I need to know how much we're gonna make.

- Look Mel, don't worry about it, okay?

I don't know how much we're gonna make.

When we get there, they're gonna look at the shipment,

they're gonna factor in the mileage

and then from there tell us how much we made.

But trust me, it'll be enough.

- Okay.

Okay, sounds good.

- [Danny] Ow, shit.

- [Melanie] Are you in pain?

- What?

Do you have some pills?

Like anything? - Drugs?

No I don't have drugs. - You got,

Codeine?

- No, I just said I don't. - Morphine?

- No, I definitely don't have morphine.

- Oh okay.

You never know this day and age with big Pharm.

- How did that happen anyway?

- I just got in a little bar fight, it's chill.

- A bar fight?

- [Danny] Yeah.

- [Melanie] How did you get into a bar fight?

- Oh my god,

there's a million ways to get into a bar fight.

You wanna hear my top three?

- I don't have a choice.

- No you don't.

Number three, classic just trip 'em.

(bashing)

Oh, yes!

(bashing)

Boom, you're in a bar fight.

(Danny shouting)

Number two, steal someone's beer.

(bashing)

And or their dude.

Yeah, get up here, get up here.

One second there. (chuckling)

And number one, my absolute favorite way

to get into a bar fight.

The nice and simple flick 'em in the head.

Yeah! - Oh my gosh.

So which one was this one?

- Oh it was none of those.

I got in a fight with this chick I was arm wrestling.

- Arm wrestling, really?

- I didn't tell you about it

because you think arm wrestling is too aggro.

- I never said that.

- Yeah but your face did.

- Yeah.

Look, all I'm saying is that arm wrestling sounds dangerous.

I mean you broke your wrist.

- Oh shit!

You hear that?

It's our favorite song!

- Here we go.

♪ These dreams go on when I close my eyes ♪

♪ Every second of the night

♪ I live another life

♪ These dreams

(Danny mumbling)

- [Melanie] Danny!

- What?

- Do you not know the words?

- No, I know the words, I know the words.

Don't worry about it.

It's my favorite song.

It's our song.

- I know, but you were just going (mumbling)

- [Danny] No, I'm singing along.

I was singing along.

- You didn't say any consonants.

- I'm not a good singer,

so yeah, I didn't enunciate.

♪ These dreams go on when I close my eyes ♪

♪ Every second of the night

♪ I live another life

- [Melanie] There's so much room back here.

- [Danny] Oh, yeah.

- So homey, I love what you've done with it.

- Mhmm.

And the rule is, guests have to be the big spoon.

- Oh wait, we sleep back here?

- Yeah.

That's why there's a bed, doi.

We're gonna get a little schnocker,

come back here and spoon.

- Oh boy.

(bike revving) (rock music)

This place is different.

- Yeah.

- [Bartender] You get the fuck out of my bar!

- Hmm.

- Well.

Look who the cat dragged in.

- Randy.

- Danny.

So.

I understand that you're here

to take another shot at your rep.

- I am.

You gonna help me do that?

- See you at the table, ladies.

- [Danny] Mhmm.

- What rep?

- My arm wrestling reputation.

- What is this?

Ooh.

- Oh, shit!

- Do you think they have rose?

- No, absolutely not, let's go.

- Are you sure you wanna do this?

- Yeah, yeah, it's my left, it's fine.

- But it's the only good one you have left.

- Danny?

You're gonna let Kate Middleton over here

tell you what to do?

Or are you gonna get serious?

- Aw, thank you.

- Is this serious enough for you?

- [Melanie] Danny.

- What?

I got this.

Call it.

- Let's go, ladies.

Center up.

Let's keep it clean.

You go on three.

One, two, three.

(Danny grunting)

- Oh wow, shit!

My left is a piece of shit!

- [Randy] Tough titty.

Quit your whinin'.

- Thank you much.

- God. - Danny!

- What?

- What, you just spent all your money

on an arm wrestling match?

- Yeah.

- This is so dumb!

- What?

Excuse me.

- Oh shit.

- Who are you calling dumb?

- I said fun.

I said this is so fun.

- That doesn't rhyme with dumb.

- Yeah, you come into my bar

and you tell me that I'm dumb?!

I'm gonna rip you a new asshole.

- Please don't.

- Asshole!

- [Crowd] Yeah!

- Okay, all right, okay,

everybody just chill out.

I'm sure there's a way that we could settle this

without anybody getting a new asshole

unless they want it, no judgment here.

- I love it.

- With an arm wrestling match.

- Yeah, what?

- Against her.

- No! (crowd laughing)

- Double or nothing.

- Shit.

Don't make me laugh.

- No, I'm being serious.

- Fine.

This is gonna be the easiest money I ever won.

- Yeah! - Let's do this!

- Do we really have to do this?

- I think this is our only chance

at not getting our asses kicked.

- Okay.

- Okay, this is good, come on.

Here we go.

Yeah, take your money out of your purse.

Slam it down.

(tense music)

Slam it down hard.

Okay, what was it, that's cute.

- Yeah.

- Are there hooks?

- No, there aren't.

I'll hold it.

Don't worry about it. - Okay.

- Yup. - Okay.

- Okay, great.

Great, great, great.

Come on now. - Has this been

wiped down recently?

- What do you think?

- Let's not worry about that, okay?

All right, you got this.

- Are you ready?

- Yeah, no, yes.

- She's ready, she's ready,

she's got this.

- This is on three.

One, two, three.

- Come on, Mel, here we go, here we go.

Oh god.

Pull doors, you Mel.

Pull Mel, pull!

(slamming)

- [Randy] What the fuck?!

(Danny laughing)

- I'm so sorry.

- How the fuck did you do that?

- I don't know.

I don't know.

- Well.

We may just be in the presence

of a golden arm.

- A what?

- We'll that's when a woman like yourself,

weak, ineffectual, soft, like a,

- [Randy And Referee] A jellyfish.

- Okay, I get it.

- But she has got one goddamn powerful arm.

- Well, thank you.

Is that mine?

- Mhm, yeah it is. - Yes.

Hold it, minus my 10 percent.

- Sure, I mean you earned it, yeah.

- Yeah I did.

- Thank you so much.

- [Danny] Thank you.

- This was honestly,

- [Randy] Was it?

- [Melanie And Danny] Yeah.

- Danny, get the fuck out of my bar.

- [Danny] Okay, I'll see you.

- You fuck yourself! - So soon.

- You get the fuck out of here!

- [Danny] Ah, shit!

Oh, my fucking kidney! - Stop looking

and keep drinking!

- Danny, are you okay? - Oh dear, holy shit.

I'm fine.

- Wait, why are we in the men's bathroom?

- I didn't know where else to run.

- We could have run outside.

- I knew it!

I knew you had a golden arm!

- Oh god, Danny, that's so silly.

- You put a beatdown on Randy Roadhouse Rollins!

- I got lucky.

- Oh, no, no, no.

What you've got is a gift

and we're taking that gift to Oklahoma City, baby!

- Oklahoma, wait what about Detroit and the shipment?

- Oh, there is no shipment.

I lied to you, yeah.

- Danny!

- Yeah.

I'm gonna have you fill in for me at the Nationals!

I mean your form is pretty sloppy

but we can get you some training and you'll be,

- No, Danny.

I'm not doing that, that's insane.

I'm not doing Nationals. - Oh really?

- Really. - Really?

- Yeah. - Huh?

- Uh huh. - Oh yeah?

Is 15,000 dollars insane?

'Cause that's the prize.

(toilet flushing)

- [Melanie And Danny] (chuckling) Busted!

Ew.

- We're going to Nationals, baby.

But first, we train.

Woo hoo!

Look at all that corn.

- That's not corn.

- What the hell is it, then?

- I think it's just tall grass.

- Tall grass?

Uh-uh, tall grass has never made me hungry.

♪ It's waking the neighbor

- Hey.

Do that.

- Okay, ready?

- Yeah.

(honking)

Aha!

- [Danny] Ha, yeah!

- Yeah, baby!

- Mel.

- Can I do it?

- Give it a shot.

Don't mess up.

Yeah, just pull it.

(honking)

Okay, okay.

- That was fun.

Where are we going to train?

- [Danny] I got a little special place, it's awesome.

- [Melanie] Huh.

- Haha!

- You brought me to a strip club?

- No, it's a bikini bar, it's classy.

- How is this training?

- Oh, you'll see.

(rock music)

(men hooting and whistling)

Big sexy.

- Who?

- A'ight, let's go.

- She founded the tournament

and went undefeated 81 straight matches.

She's retired now and she only works

with the champions.

- Woo! (laughing)

- She's pretty much your only chance at winning.

Big Sexy!

- Dominator!

- Oho!

Goddamn your name gets more and more accurate!

- Look at you, you put on some weight?

- I did, thank you for noticing.

- Nice work, friend.

Is this her?

- Yeah.

This is my best friend Melanie.

- Hi, so nice to meet you.

- Hmm.

(sniffing)

I don't think so, Danny.

Sorry, bud.

- Wait, that's it?

- She doesn't have the fight in her.

And her whole aura's piss yellow.

- Come on, you gotta give her a chance.

Melanie does have the fight in her.

It's just buried way way way down there.

And I know that you are the only one

that can get it out of her.

(Big Sexy sighing)

- Welcome to the shop, ladies.

Okay, what pisses you off?

- What?

- I got one.

Her name is Brenda and she's a twat.

- Please don't say twat.

- Mine is, we're in Baghdad in the shit.

(guns booming)

Snipers everywhere.

We almost didn't make it out alive.

- Medic! (helicopter whirring)

- [Melanie] Oh, I got it.

- [Big Sexy] What, what is it?

- It's really similar to yours.

Scones.

In the trash.

- Excuse me?

- I keep telling Kristen, the yoga instructor

that if she doesn't want a scone,

she doesn't have to take one.

But she always does.

She takes one bite out of it

and she throws it away.

Every day.

It really pisses me off.

- Okay, I mean I've never worked

with something so mundane,

but hey, let's give it a shot.

Okay, shut your eyes.

Now imagine that woman is right here.

And your anger is just bubbling up from inside.

And you've just got to let it go.

- Oh, like Frozen.

- No, not like fucking Frozen, dammit!

Okay, you worked really hard on those scones, right?

- Yeah I did.

- You put your blood, sweat and tears into 'em.

- Yeah, it was my grandmother's recipe!

- And she is a goddamn sweetheart, right?

- Yeah.

- And you were really polite and told her

don't take one if you're just gonna throw away.

- Right!

- But every day, you walk outside

and in that garbage can, there's your scone,

thrown away like a nasty old ball of hair

out of the shower drain.

- Ugh.

- Exactly.

- [Big Sexy] Now how you feeling?

- [Melanie] I'm hot, sweaty.

My pants are wet.

- [Danny] Good, good.

- [Melanie] My heart's racing.

- [Danny] Uh huh.

- [Melanie] Temples throbbing.

- [Big Sexy] That's good, that's good, this is it.

Okay, now imagine that yoga bitch

is standing right here.

- [Melanie] Mhmm.

- [Big Sexy] And she's got one of your homemade

delicious scones in her hand.

- [Danny] Ooh, yummy.

- [Big Sexy] But wait, what's that?

She just crumpled it up

and threw it in the trash!

- You ungrateful selfish jerk!

If you step one more foot into my shop,

I'm gonna beat you with your yoga mat

that reeks like crotch stank!

- Come on lady, shut up!

- Hoo.

- Yeah.

Okay, and now we work.

(driving music)

- I said crotch stank.

- [Danny] That was awesome.

- It felt weird.

- Can I stay crotch stank now?

- Yeah!

- This is an official arm wrestling table,

42 inches tall, same as a bar.

- Why am I up here again?

- So for the next 60 seconds

you have to maintain that exact position.

And you can't spill a drop of beer

no matter what comes at you.

- Got it.

(whacking)

Ow!

- No.

- [Big Sexy] No, no, no, no.

- [Danny] Just let her.

- What is this?

- It's like a little fit.

Just let her get it out.

(splashing)

- Come on! - Come on, Mel,

you got this!

- Push it!

- There you go!

- Drive it through, come on! - Come on, go a little!

- Now this is your peg.

It's gonna be your stabilizer

and you also can use it for leverage.

Square it up, square it up over here.

You can pull right-handed or left

but your elbow at all times

has to stay anywhere on this square.

You can move it around, you can't lift it up.

Come on! - Kiss that pavement

and then get away from it!

Now don't use your knees! - Danny!

- [Danny] Oh my god, her shoes are on my pillow.

Oh!

- [Big Sexy] You're gonna get your grip.

- [Melanie] Mhmm.

- [Big Sexy] Squeeze the thumb, pull it up.

- Oh.

- And watch your form, straighten up the wrist.

Come on girls.

And be quick and explosive.

You wanna get the jump.

Suck and tuck. - Yeah.

- Excuse me?

- (chuckling) Exactly.

You wanna go (whooshing) and get on top of it.

There you go, go!

Come on, get in there,

and don't let anybody get cocky up there

when you're getting your grip.

You slip out of that, you'll pull the straps.

- I got it.

- It can really mess up your game.

Especially if that buckle ends up

on the backside of your hand

and your opponent can dig their fingers into it.

I mean I've see guys' hands ripped open

because of the metal.

I have 15 world titles.

- And 81 straight matches won.

- No, it's like 600 and one.

I lost one time.

I got to face her again and redeem myself.

And as my momma said get up there

and break her goddamn arm.

(Danny laughing)

- How do you avoid that?

- Broke arm position.

That is where the wrist is on the outside

of the shoulder.

Do you feel that pressure right here?

It takes eight pounds of pressure

to radial break your humerus.

Go!

(splashing)

- You are spilling a shit ton of beer, mel.

- No, no, no, no, don't you get back there.

And you just keep working.

Don't ever go to losing position.

- Okay.

- You don't practice being a loser!

- Yeah!

Big Sexy said you have to do 400 of these?

- And tuck!

Should have been faster.

Come on, get up, we ain't done.

Go come on, get the jump.

Get the jump. - There you go.

- [Big Sexy] Hit low, hit low.

- Fuck you, bag!

Fuck you, bag!

You're doing great, man, I'm surprised.

Yes, Mel! - Break her arm!

Come on, yes! - You fucking got this, Mel!

You've got this! - You got it!

The only way I see you winning this tournament

is you gotta beat me at least once.

- Got it.

- [Big Sexy] Come on, get in there.

Take my thumb, there you go.

- Ready?

- Yes.

- Yup.

- [Danny] Go!

- Really?

Come on, is that all you got?

Something's blocking you, I don't feel it.

(Melanie grunting)

The fuck is this?

Shit up here? - I'm doing my best.

- I don't think so.

I can't do this shit.

- What?

- I think you're the fucking problem.

What are you doing?

(Mel grunting)

(trash clanking) - Hey!

Would you just hold up?

- No, Danny.

I am exhausted.

My back hurts, I've got motorcycle grease in my butt

like I don't even know how it got there.

I can't do this!

- Are you serious?

'Cause that looked badass, dude.

- I'm mad, okay?

I am mad!

- Okay, good, be mad!

But I know it is not about the arm wrestling.

So what is it about, Mel?

(breathing heavily)

- I don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing. (sobbing)

I'm just so sick of everyone else

dictating my life, you know?

I never put myself first.

I don't listen to my gut.

Like with Steve.

When I first met him, I didn't even like him.

But he convinced me.

And you told me not to marry him.

- Sorry about that.

- No, you were right.

I mean you could have told me sooner

than the day before our wedding.

- Yeah.

I was pretty hammered.

- (laughing) Yeah.

- Your grandma got me good. (laughing)

- I wasted five years of my life with that guy.

What if every choice I make is the wrong one?

- I mean everybody makes wrong choices, Melanie.

That's kind of the fun of life!

And you listened to your gut when you joined me

on this trip, right?

And look at you now,

you're eat pray loving the shit out of life!

It's like the old Melanie's coming back!

Right now, what is your gut telling you to do?

(light driving music)

- I'm ready.

- I'll be the judge of that.

(tense music)

- Go!

(thudding)

(bright music)

(everyone cheering)

- [Big Sexy] Woo!

(horn honking)

(rock music)

- Oh shit, okay hold the wheel.

Come here. - What?

- Take the wheel.

- What are you gonna do?

Why? - We're coming up on this bar

that you have to show your tits to

or you get bad luck on the road.

- What?

- Okay, take it.

Okay, take it.

There's them!

(car honking)

Woo!

Not having bad luck today!

♪ I'm flying, I'm flying in my mind ♪

♪ I tell you, I tell you that I'm fine ♪

♪ I'm flying, I'm flying in my mind ♪

♪ I tell you oh you don't know

- [Melanie] Hey, Danny?

- [Danny] Yeah?

- I was thinking about some stuff

and I just wanna say I'm sorry.

- For what?

- You know, when you told me not to marry Steve,

I kind of shut you out.

I just wanna say I'm sorry for that.

- Oh, Mel, it's okay.

- I really missed you.

- I really missed you.

- Good. - Like a lot.

- Well no matter what happens

I'm really glad that we're doing this together.

Just you and me.

(light music)

(brakes whooshing)

- [Danny] All right, we're here!

- This is it?

- Yeah, I know it doesn't look

like much on the outside.

But it's got everything, Mel.

- Like horses?

- What?

No.

(funk music)

(laughing) Yeah, what's up?

Oh here come's Lauren.

She's a paramedic by day and a lady puller by night.

Lauren.

- Danny, hey.

- When's your first match?

- I'm the first one up tonight.

- Really?

Kill it! - See you at the bar later.

- You know it. (laughing)

Geeta!

Killer costume, dude.

Geeta's a sixth grade math teacher

and just a beast in the arena!

- Wow.

- Oh, shit.

That's Carl.

He runs the entire competition.

Hey Carl.

- Danny.

- You're looking good.

- Well you're not looking too bad yourself.

- Mmm. - Hi, I'm Melanie.

- Top knot looking fierce.

- Stop it.

- You know what I like.

- Stop it.

- No, I won't stop. - Hi, I'm Melanie.

- Stop it.

- I can't stop.

- Mmm!

How's it looking in there? - Hey.

- Oh, it looks so much better

now that you're here.

- Mhmm.

- Ah, dominate me, Dominator.

- You wish.

Holy shit.

- Hello, I'm Melanie.

Bye, thank you.

(upbeat music) - Ooh.

- Welcome to Star Arena, Mel.

- [Announcer] Tonight will be packed with a bevy of beauties

the likes of which you've never seen.

Featuring the lizard Geno.

- They look amazing.

- [Announcer] Skateboarding dynamo, Tessie the Tank!

- Yeah. - The community is great.

Everybody here is so rad.

- [Announcer] And the one you've been waiting for,

the three time arm wrestling champ,

- What's wrong?

- Except for Brenda.

- Brenda the Bonecrusher!

She'll crush your bones to dust.

- Why, what's wrong with Brenda?

- She's ruined the entire sport.

She's like made it just not as fun.

She cheats a ton and

she fucked up my arm

and she fucking hates French fries.

Where it's like, who hates French fries?

They're so good!

- Danny.

She's the one who did that to your wrist?

- Yeah.

- That jerk!

- Whoah.

I was kinda hoping you'd say something

like "That arm-jacking twat!"

But that was pretty good.

- Please don't say twat.

- Okay.

- I hate that word.

- Okay, I'm sorry.

All right, let's get you registered, huh?

- Hey, Dominator. - Jerry!

- I checked you into the hotel.

- [Danny] Thank you.

- And I got you hot towels.

- Clean your hands.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

- Sorry, who are you?

- Oh, I'm Jerry.

I'm the Dominator's sidekick assistant.

- [Danny] Oh, I like sidekick, dude.

Let's keep that, let's keep that.

- Here's my card if you need to contact me.

(Danny laughing) - Oh.

This is wet.

- Oh, it's probably just sweat.

- [Danny] Yeah, why are you so sweaty?

- It's so hot in here, right?

- Did you fix everything in the room?

- [Jerry] Mhmm.

- New sheets? - Mhmm.

- Fluff pillows? - Mhmm.

- [Danny] Did you leave the shower running on full blast?

- Shit!

I'll go drop this stuff

backstage, and then - Okay.

- I'll go turn on the shower.

- He's the shit.

He helps me do everything.

(crowd cheering)

(light music)

- I think I got this in the bag.

I mean we got a mermaid, a fucking lizard, a monkey.

- Monkey? - Danny, I'm just

reading this over and why do they need to know

if I'm an organ donor?

- Oh like just in case somebody needs an organ or something.

- Danny, Danny, Danny.

You came to cheer me on!

- No.

I came to watch you lose.

- Who's gonna beat me?

You're out and I've beaten every other bitch here.

- Not everyone.

Right, Mel?

Come on. - That's right.

- You don't actually mean the American Girl doll?

- Yeah, right.

I've seen bigger biceps on a balloon animal.

(Brenda laughing)

And I have seen a lot of balloon animals.

- That's cool.

- No, seriously, Danny,

you've done some dumb shit in your time

but this move,

it goes into the dumb shit hall of fame

along right next to that hairdo.

- Okay. - Okay, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, Danny.

Don't let her get to you. - Mel, Mel!

- I know, baby, it's not worth it.

Hey, f-bombs, f-bombs.

- Yeah.

- Okay, sweet cheeks, can I tell you something?

I was born to win.

- Okay.

Thank you.

- Shake it.

Shake her hand.

- Soft.

- Well, I wasn't trying.

I wasn't trying to shake it.

Are you ready?

- I am ready! (laughing)

- What do you think?

Why do I have to wear a costume at all?

- You gotta put a show on for the fans.

You gotta find something that like,

shows your essence, you know?

(Melanie screaming) (Danny laughing)

I like it, but it's not intimidating.

You are the cleaning lady!

Like a sexy devil graduate?

- I don't know what's intimidating and what's not.

- You are the pope!

- Is this sacrilegious?

- What about this, huh?

- That's just a bathing suit!

- Oh, shit, yeah.

You would look hot in that!

- [Melanie] No!

- Oh.

What is it?!

- I'm the ex-wife and I'm gonna take half your stuff!

By state law, I get to!

- Set it on fire or something.

- Well, no I'll try to sell it.

Oh, this one's good.

- Okay.

- [Melanie] You can't see my face.

Ready?

- I'm ready.

- [Melanie] Give me your camp goods!

- You're adorable!

- [Melanie] No!

- Yes!

- No, doesn't he look mad?

- But like in a cartoon way.

You know?

Where it's just like, where's my honey?

And you're like oh, what a delight. (chuckling)

- Oh my god.

- [Danny] What is it?

- Well something's biting me.

Oh my god,

this thing's infested! - Ew, ew!

It's got eggs!

- Get it off me!

Get it off!

- Oh fuck, it's got bugs in it!

(clattering)

- Ew!

Eggs, oh god.

Gah, blech.

Danny?

Oh.

Oh my god, where are your pants?

- What, where are your pants?

- Oh, god!

Oh, shit, okay, okay.

- I was supposed to put this one on and,

I was here to dress and I just undressed, so,

I'm sorry you have a beautiful bod,

well I mean I am not sorry you have a beautiful body.

You have a beautiful body.

I'm sorry I saw it.

I mean I'm not sorry that I saw it.

I mean what is great about it is

my brain will remember it. (clears throat)

I realize that I'm in the wrong place.

I thought I was in the right place.

- Mel, I threw that shit in the street.

Greg!

- Hi. - What the hell

am I walking into?

Are we getting started or ending?

- No, we're not.

- How are you, Danny?

- I'm good, Greg.

- Yeah I was wondering why you weren't in the tournament.

- I got hurt.

- What? - Boom.

- Oh, yeah! - I know, I can't pull.

- You're usually at the top of the leaderboard

at the beginning. - Yeah, right?

This was my year. - Danny, Danny!

- Oh!

- Sorry, yeah, right, sorry ma'am.

Danny, nice seeing you.

- Yeah, good to see you too, Greg.

You look good.

- Ah, thank you.

- He looks good, Mel.

And you look good.

- [Melanie] No.

- Hey, you need to pick out an outfit right now

'cause your first bout's in 30 minutes!

(spray hissing)

- Ack, god, what is that?

- Tea tree oil.

- It's just tea tree oil?

I don't think you're supposed to eat that.

- Okay Mel, you're fine, all right?

You're in the eastern bracket.

And that bonehead bitch Brenda,

she's in the western bracket.

But I don't want you to think about that right now.

What I need for you to do is to focus

on your first bout, okay?

Oh, shit, I know that face.

Jerry, trash can!

(retching)

Oh, yipes!

See, I told you that I'm an expert at reading face.

- I threw up.

- Yeah, it's okay.

- He gave me tea tree oil.

- Jerry?!

- I'm sorry, maybe a mint?

Mint would probably be better. - Yeah, take a mint.

- I don't trust him. - Take a mint.

- I wish Big Sexy were here.

- Okay.

Okay, that's great.

And what do you think she'd say to you, huh?

She would say Mel, stand up!

Now you have to go out there balls out!

So it's time now.

It's time for you to go out there and balls out!

- Why would you say that?

- [Danny] Oh, to like pump her up.

- That's not how you pump someone up.

You gotta get it right.

Now I don't wanna assume,

but you don't have balls.

You got labia.

- You're right.

If you wanna get technical.

- Oh, I do, I'm an OB-GYN.

That's my day job.

- Oh.

- And I've seen a lot of labia in my day.

All kinds!

Small, tall, loud, shy.

I've seen a spider come out of one.

I probably shouldn't have said that.

But you know what they all have in common?

- Uh-uh.

- They're strong!

Much stronger than a set of balls!

- Yeah, yes. - Yeah.

- Our labia can withstand tons of things!

- Yeah, right.

- Much more than a delicate pair

of little underwear plums.

- As an OB-GYN, you call them underwear plums?

- I try to keep it out of the office.

- Sure.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Men always say balls out

but do you think a man would do something

that would tear his balls?

- No, would you?

- No.

Even a flick would ruin your day.

- And you can flick labia.

- Hell yeah you can. - I love it!

I love it!

- Mel!

You can't go out there with your balls out!

You gotta get out there with your labes out!

- Yeah!

- Labes out! - Labes out, yeah!

- [Everyone] Labes out, labes out ,labes out,

labes out!

(cheering)

- It's time for our next match!

You're here for carnage!

You're here for warfare!

You're here for the sport of queens!

In this corner,

she is no angel!

The queen of pop,

and by pop I mean she'll pop

your damn arm out the socket!

Beat-Ya-Down-Ce!

And in this corner,

(gentle R&B music)

- Yeah!

♪ Spare a little candle, save some light for me ♪

♪ Figures up ahead moving in the trees ♪

- Come on, let's go, you got this.

You got this!

You picked like the weirdest part of the song

to come out to.

- [Melanie] Really?

- It's okay.

You got this, go.

- First of all, I love this song.

But what's your vibe?

What's your persona?

- Oh, I'm totally freaked out.

- Okay.

We have Freaked Out!

(crowd applauding softly)

Hey, that's on you.

You didn't give me enough to work with.

- Yeah, sorry.

- [Danny] Okay, you got this, you got this!

(crowd cheering)

- Ready?

Set!

- Holy shit!

We have an upset!

The winner is Freaked Out!

- Oh, you did it!

You won!

You won!

(crowd applauding)

- We got a new star in the scene.

How are you feeling?

- Bathroom.

- Yeah!

Bathroom!

- Bathroom! (crowd applauding)

Bathroom!

- Yeah!

Call me.

- That's creepy.

Our first upset of the tournament by Freaked Out.

- [Danny] My god, Mel, that was so cool!

- It felt so good.

- Yeah, it looked good.

- All this power came up inside me

and I just bam!

- Yes, oh my god!

- It was awesome. - Okay.

Here's to my best friend,

my kidney donor if I should ever need one

which doctors are saying probably.

- Danny.

- The Al Pacino to my Robert De Niro.

- Oh!

Hey, let me ask you.

- Hey, I want, hey da.

Hey there.

Their faces like wind fed.

Well, to you, Mel.

- Cheers. - Ooh yeah!

- Mmm.

- So what kind of crazy are we gonna get into tonight, huh?

- I just want a nice hot bath.

I just wanna relax and just like sort of decompress.

- What?

- Self-care.

- No, Mel, we're here to like have fun.

- [Melanie] I know.

- And you just won.

- I know. - So it's kind of now

just like, hey go have fun.

- [Melanie] Right.

- Oh shit.

- [Melanie] A bath to me is really fun.

- [Danny] There's Greg.

Uh oh, hey Greg.

- Hey.

- He's cute and he's walking over.

- Stop, stop.

Stop.

- Play it cool, play it cool, play it cool.

Hey, man, what's up? - Hey, hey.

How are you?

- Good.

Good. - Good.

- Hey.

- I never formally introduced myself

when we were in our undies or whatever.

- Right. (chuckling)

- I'm Greg.

- I'm Melanie.

- Yeah.

Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you too.

- Danny, nice to see you.

- Good to see you too.

- Do you guys want a drink?

- Oh, sure, yeah.

- [Greg] Yeah?

- Ah.

I just got tired.

I just got tired

so I think I'm gonna get out of here.

I'ma go take a nice hot bath,

just relax, you know,

'cause that's the cool thing to do.

- Yeah draw a bath. - So I'm a go,

I'm gonna draw a bath.

But you two hang out, get wild.

She wants to get a little wild.

- Oh no.

- Yeah you do, have fun.

Have fun.

- Hey. - Hey.

- She's great.

- Yeah, she's great.

- Yeah, I mean this was her year, you know?

- Yeah, I bet.

- I'm here to work, but,

- You are. - Yeah.

- Right, you're a referee.

- I am, yeah.

That's what I was trying to change into.

I was trying to - I know I'm so

sorry about that. - Tell you about that.

In the moment. - I'm so sorry.

- No, I'm sorry.

I'm still sorry. (chuckling)

Thanks, can I

do this? - Please, please.

Yes, it was very fun.

- You look good in clothes.

- (chuckling) So do you. - I'm sorry.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Hey.

To wearing clothes.

- Yes.

- Or maybe not.

- Oh.

- [Greg] I'm actually an umpire.

- [Melanie] Oh.

- [Greg] Yeah, for Major League Baseball.

But what about you?

What are you into?

- [Melanie] Do you wanna get a pretzel?

- [Greg] Yeah, yeah.

- 'Cause I kinda have a thing for bread.

- Oh, oh I love things for bread.

- Do you?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I really love it.

I actually have my own bakery.

- Oh, that's awesome.

- Danny says that if bread were a person

I'd make sweet love to it all night long.

Or, she does say that

but I probably shouldn't have said that.

- Wow, then

one pretzel please. - Hi.

- Okay. (Melanie laughing)

- When I say Tabasco, I want Tabasco,

I want it to be hot.

- I know.

I'm sorry I got some chili hoot.

- Go ahead?

Uh oh.

So, would you, you know,

the pretzel or?

- Hmm, I'd definitely invite it up.

- Oh.

So it's got a chance.

- Yeah.

- Wow. - Got a pretty good chance.

I mean. - Okay.

- [Melanie] It's not a guarantee.

- [Greg] Takes a little bit more work, but

I'm sure that,

- I'm so sorry, I have to go.

I'm so sorry.

I'll talk to you soon.

- It's not.

I wasn't trying to say that I'm the pretzel.

- Ooh my god, Jesus Christ!

- Danny. - Close your eyes!

Close your eyes.

- Okay.

- Okay, fake by far.

Where'd you go?

Ooh, where'd you go? - Marco!

- Ooh, Polo!

- Uh oh, Marco!

- Ooh, Polo.

- Marco.

- Oooh, Polo!

- [Danny] Marco.

- Ooh, bitch I won!

- Yeah, yeah, oh shit, yeah.

This is my room.

Rip my coat off and grab my titty.

Well that's good.

Yeah there it is.

Yeah, here we go.

- [Carl] Yeah ooh, I like the left one.

Ooh.

- Get rid of this.

Get on me, baby!

Oof!

- [Melanie] Danny?

This?

- [Danny] Oh, fuck!

- What's happening?

Carl?

- Hey. - Hi.

- Yeah, you know Carl.

- [Melanie] What are you doing?

- We're just gonna have sex.

- No.

What?

- Okay.

- Hear me out.

Threesome.

- (laughing) I'm down.

- Yeah!

- [Melanie] I'm not in!

- Come on, Mel. - Oh, come on.

- [Melanie] Out!

- Okay, okay, okay. - Out!

- Okay.

- I don't wanna go.

- I don't want you to go either

but you got to.

I'll see you soon.

- [Carl] You promise?

- Yeah I promise.

I dream about you often.

(laughing) Not!

I dream about him often.

- [Melanie] Did you have fun?

- I had a blast, how about you?

How'd everything go with Greg?

- It was nice.

- It was nice?

Did you guys like, you know, do it?

- No we didn't do it.

- You didn't do it?

- No!

- Come on, Mel, why didn't you do it?

- We were out for like 30 minutes.

- That's plenty of time.

You could probably do it like twice.

(Melanie laughing)

Or whatever.

- I don't know, Danny.

- Okay.

- I've never done this before.

- Isn't it fun though?

- It's fun.

- It's pretty fun, right?

- It's confusing, I don't know what to do.

- I'm confused most of the time.

- I don't know.

- And it's fun like,

it's fun if you're into hooking up

and then being done

or if you're into hooking up

and being like, do we keep hooking up?

Like that's the best part of it, yeah.

One and done or one and let's have some more fun?

- One and fun.

Okay, I'm gonna go to bed.

- [Danny] No.

- [Melanie] Yes.

- [Danny] Okay Mel.

- [Melanie] Goodnight.

- [Danny] Night, Mel.

Mel?

Mel?

- [Melanie] What, Danny?

- [Danny] Oh, are you awake?

- [Melanie] Yes.

- [Danny] Will you tell me a story?

- [Melanie] What do you wanna hear?

- [Danny] I wanna hear the plot to Twister.

The director's cut.

- [Melanie] (chuckling) Okay.

Well, Helen Hunt is a scientist.

(Danny snoring)

And there's a twister.

(tense music)

- So, you got a thing for Greg, huh?

- What?

- Yeah I saw you two last night

hovering over your carbs with all the other fatties.

You know, pretzels metabolize straight into sugar.

- Oh. - Oh no.

Keep eating 'em.

You'll be exhausted at the table.

- Yeah.

Well I'm just trying to get ready.

- (scoffs) Not that it even matters.

Greg would never be into a girl like you.

Greg likes strong women.

- I'm a strong woman.

(Brenda sniffing)

- I can smell your fear.

- That's confidence.

I'm confident.

You're smelling my confidence.

- Enjoy your stretch, princess.

- Hmm.

(crowd cheering)

- Ready, set.

Go.

Winner!

(crowd applauding)

- [Carl] Freaked Out continues to rise up the ranks.

- I won, I won!

Yeah, yeah!

- Okay, so after the prelims

we go into single elimination.

That's big time.

But she's killing it right now

so I think if she's just-

- Hey, hey.

- Hey Mel.

We're just looking at the prelim stuff

and you are killing it!

Look at you, your name is just moving up, ah!

It's so cool!

- Yeah.

Oh god, oh god, get rid of it.

Get rid of it!

- Jerry, get rid of it!

Wait, why are we getting rid of it?

- Because Greg's over there.

I didn't tell Greg that I'm Freaked Out.

- [Danny] Uh, it's pretty obvious.

- Yeah, I don't know why I didn't tell him.

- Mel, do you like him?

- Yeah.

- And you wanna see him again, huh?

- Yes.

- Mhmm, mhmm.

Well listen to your instincts.

Go over there and ask him out on a real date.

Come on.

I'm not telling you to marry him or anything.

Go have fun.

- Yeah.

Should I go take a shower first?

- Don't worry, Jerry's on it.

- Oh!

Oh my god. - Yeah.

- Aluminum free.

- Yeah, I made it myself.

Out of whale blubber.

(light music)

- So you're in the baseball world.

- Yes.

- I'm curious to know your thoughts on baseball movies.

- Oh.

- Are you for them, are you against them?

- I am for them.

I am for them.

- You're pro baseball movies.

- I'm pro baseball movie, for the entertainment.

So like the comedies, like Major League, love it.

- Love Major League.

- Love me some Major League.

- Rookie of the Year?

- Of course.

Guilty pleasure.

- Let me guess. - On me.

- Let me guess.

- [Both] The Natural.

- Yes, yes! - Ah, is it really?

- Yes it is.

But for very weird reasons, I love it.

- I have my own weird reasons for loving it.

- You know, there's a baseball field I think

really close to here.

- Oh cool.

- You remember in The Natural

when he goes up to the home plate?

- [Melanie] Yeah.

- He's still bleeding from an injury

30 years ago?

(bat clanging)

Oh!

Whoah!

- [Melanie] Just run!

- I know.

I know that guy.

I know that guy.

- [Melanie] You know that base?

- I know the base guy. (laughing)

Yes! (laughing)

Now, go ahead.

Go.

Safe.

Okay, one more game.

- I have this fantasy that it will be great

if you would help me.

- Okay?

- Make it real.

- Okay.

- So it's after a game,

you've just like won a game.

Yeah, but everybody's gone.

- That happened fast, okay.

- It's just you on the field

and like you, you are the star of the game,

and I'm like,

I'm a girl you like

and I come into the field

and I like lean up against the fence

and then you like do this, one of these things.

- [Greg] Okay.

- And then you, uh,

- Like one of these things?

What is this thing?

I put my hand on the fence?

- Yeah.

- Like this?

- Mhmm.

- This is right?

- Yeah.

And then I mean, the story goes on in my head and,

yeah, I mean, more stuff, more stuff happens.

- Like what do you mean?

What do you mean?

- You know, more stuff happens.

You know.

- We talk?

- We talk.

We talk and then other things, and,

but this is where it starts.

And the lighting's so beautiful,

I just thought we should.

- Is that happening now?

I mean what, sorry.

- It can.

- Here, you try this side.

- Oh, I feel powerful.

- Yeah.

Yeah. - This is kind of

a dominating position

don't you think? - It is.

Only I don't mind it.

Well.

(light music)

(oven door clacking)

Mel?

- Hey.

I hope it's okay, I raided your pantry.

I made biscuits.

- Oh my god, wait.

Well you made that here, just this morning?

- Mhmm.

I felt inspired and energized.

- Goodness.

- [Melanie] Yeah.

- Mmm.

Well you look nice.

Good morning.

- Morning.

- Is this one mine?

- Yeah, if you want it.

- Let's see.

(phone buzzing)

Oh my gosh.

Hey, your phone's going crazy, huh?

- Oh.

Shoot, I have to go.

- What, why, no.

Just started, I took one bite.

- I know.

Okay.

I am competing in the arm wrestling tournament.

I'm Freaked Out.

- Yeah, I know.

- I wear a mask, how would-

- Oh come on.

It is a small mask.

I mean it barely covers your face

and I know this face.

I like this face, so.

- Why didn't you say anything?

- I was just waiting for you to tell me, you know?

- [Melanie] I have to go,

I'm so sorry. - No, no.

Please.

- You know I think,

I think I might change my persona.

I don't know that Freaked Out is right anymore.

Oh!

- I made you breakfast.

- (laughing) Thank you.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

Freaked Out has died.

In her place, The Breadwinner!

(crowd applauding)

Boom!

- Winner!

- We're back to pure excitement!

Oh!

- [Referee] The winner!

- [Carl] It's Wendy versus the Breadwinner.

(crowd applauding)

- Yeah!

- Go back to the deep blue sea, Killer Kate!

- Come on, Mel!

Jerry, oh fuck!

- We got Rambea versus the Bonecrusher.

(Brenda growling)

- [Referee] Winner!

- [Woman] Go on, Joan!

(crowd applauding)

- [Carl] Bonecrusher wins again!

I've never seen arm wrestling like this!

- I want you to make a face

that will fucking terrify me.

(Melanie growling) Oh yeah!

- [Crowd] Bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread!

- Ah, yeah!

(Brenda growling)

- [Carl] Another victim for Bonecrusher!

(both growling)

The Maritime Murderer

who looks like a ghost who died on a cruise.

(crowd applauding)

- [Crowd] Bread, bread, bread, bread!

- We're never gonna die now!

- Go!

Oh, winner!

- Breadwinner wins again!

She advances to the semifinals

against Tessie the Tank.

- For some unknown reason,

that little bread bitch is beating everybody.

And now she's got Greg in her back pocket.

- Don't worry, I've been training like a fiend

for our match.

I won't disappoint you.

- Good.

'Cause I want you to take her out.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Get the ref to pull the strap.

- What?

- Remember what I taught you?

What to do with the buckle?

- I don't need to do that.

I can beat her fair and square.

- Just do it!

Or I'll dump you at that pathetic

Dairy Queen drive through window

where I found you.

(tense music)

- Okay.

(crowd cheering)

- Set the wrist, ladies.

Hey, set your wrists!

- She won't set.

- I'm not doing it, you're doing it.

(talking over each other)

- Come on ladies, on the table.

Ladies, on your mats, let's go.

(crowd cheering)

- Come on!

Are you kidding? - No I'm not doing it!

- Oh shit!

The strap is out!

- Fuck!

It's okay, Mel.

- On the table, ladies, let's go.

Come on, let's do it.

- [Carl] Tie 'em up!

Tie 'em up!

- [Woman] You got this!

- [Danny] You got this Mel,

this is nothing.

Don't worry about it, Mel.

- She's never done a strap.

- I know, I know, I know.

- [Referee] Go!

- Ah, ah!

Ah!

- Fuck!

- [Carl] The winner, Tessie the Tank!

- Fucking bullshit!

God, what the fuck was that?

- Hey, what are you out here for?

Go and see your girl.

- Come on, you stupid bitch!

I'll kick your fucking ass!

- Did you hear?

I'm in the finals tonight.

- Oh yeah.

Congratulations, that's great.

- How about some drinks tonight after I win?

- Oh, I'm actually dating somebody right now, so.

- Don't tell me it's that bread bitch.

- Breadwinner.

And I wouldn't use the word bitch

just 'cause I don't wanna use that word anymore.

I feel like it's kind of overused.

What are you doing?

Mel!

Mel, Mel, hey!

- What?

- I'm sorry about that.

That whole thing with Brenda,

it's a misunderstanding.

- No, you don't owe me an explanation for that.

- Wait, what happened to your hand?

Are you okay?

- Yeah.

Well, no.

I'm really confused, you know?

- [Greg] Okay.

- This all feels like a mistake.

I have to, I gotta get out of here.

- [Greg] Wait, Mel.

(somber music)

- Mmm!

Mel, I got us some beers

'cause it is time to celebrate.

- What are you so happy about?

- [Danny] I got some good news, Mel.

- What?

- Carl saw what Tessie did to you

so he disqualified her.

You're going up against Brenda the Bonecrusher.

It's time to take down that twat! (laughing)

- Stop saying twat, Danny, we're going.

- No we aren't.

- Yeah we are.

- Uh-uh.

- Fine, if you won't drive me,

I'll just take a train.

- What?

A train, no, Mel, come on.

You just have one more bout, dude.

- I'll take a train, I'm gonna go home,

I'ma get out of here,

I'm not arm wrestling anymore,

I'm about to lose my bakery,

I'm getting involved with a guy that I barely know.

- Oh, hell yeah.

And you guys are a hot couple.

Have you seen that movie Unfaithful

where they have like that insane sex scene?

I've been kind of

imagining that, - Danny?

- But with your guy's face-

- Why can't you ever take anything seriously?

- Hey, I'm just trying to lighten the mood!

- Danny.

I got hurt, I ripped my hand open.

Like this is,

there are real things happening.

It's not all...

Fun and games, like this whole thing is a disaster.

- Wait, no, we can't let Brenda win.

- I don't care about Brenda.

I have a life outside of this.

I have things going on.

You might not, but I do,

and you've got me focused on all the wrong stuff.

- Oh, bullshit, it's been good for you!

- Good for me?

- [Danny] Yeah.

- Don't do that, Danny.

This is not for me.

This is for you.

This is for you

so you can get revenge on the woman you hate.

Right?

Isn't it, Danny?

You got me running around here

like some arm wrestling freak, getting,

- Is that what you think I am?

A freak?

Is it, Mel?

Fuck, Mel!

Fuck off.

Go ahead, walk away.

Walk away like you always fucking do!

- I don't walk away.

- Bullshit.

Anytime you can't do with anything emotionally,

you just turn around and walk away

with a little tail between your legs.

- No, I don't.

- Yes you do.

- No, I don't.

- Yes you do.

It's between your legs right now

- It is not. - just sticking out

like a little dick!

Just like this!

- My tail is not a little dick.

- Yes it is, go!

- My tail is high!

- Pff, your tail hasn't been high in years.

- It is right now,

take a good look at my asshole!

- Let me see.

It's a dick tail

poking out! - You're a dick tail!

- Dick tails, woo hoo!

(tense music)

- If she's not here by eight, she'll forfeit.

- Hell yes.

- You're cool with that?

- I'll be the first ever arm wrestler

to win a grand slam.

- It's not really winning if you don't even compete.

- Shut the fuck up.

Do my shoulders.

- Yes.

It's hard with these things.

- Work around it.

- [Tessie] Yes.

- Hi, one.

- [Announcer] Attention customers,

straight on channel three, there should be,

- I'm just gonna go wherever and figure it out.

(woman laughing)

Oh Sue.

Sue, you crack me up.

I mean I've never been out of the country before.

I don't get why, Dotty.

Friends forever, right?

Friends forever, yes.

- Hey Danny.

- [Danny] Hey, Jerry.

- You okay?

- [Danny] No.

- [Brenda] Make that bitch bleed!

(crowd laughing)

- [Essie] Yeah.

Yeah!

- Fuck yeah!

I think I can feel her getting skinnier.

Yeah!

- Hey!

That's Melanie's costume.

- You got nothing else in your life,

do you, Danny?

Well, you couldn't wrestle.

So you dragged your silly little friend here

to wrestle for you, pathetic.

Turns out, she's a loser just like you.

- Oh, good one!

- Jerry, beer me.

(glass shattering)

- [Brenda] Get her, sic her!

(bashing)

- Jerry, goddamit!

Careful!

(bashing)

Oh my god!

(bashing)

- Who's dominated now, huh?

- It is finally time for our grand finale!

(crowd applauding)

Tonight, someone will walk away

with 15,000 dollars!

(crowd applauding)

Who will be our champion?

Sit tight, we're just moments away

from the grand championship!

- Danny!

Oh my god!

- Mel?

- [Melanie] Danny, what happened?

- What are you doing here?

You should be on your way back to Kansas.

- [Melanie] Jerry called me.

Are you okay?

- Goddamit, Jerry.

I got in a fight with Brenda.

- Danny, this crazy vendetta against Brenda

is not worth getting hurt like this.

- [Danny] No.

- Hey Danny, take these for later.

- Oh, thank you.

- Is she gonna be okay?

- She's a little beat up but she'll be okay.

Why are you still wearing that?

I told you before that you don't need it.

- What, I don't understand, don't need what?

- Mel, I don't, my wrist is fine.

- What?

- After your first bout, I had Lauren check it out

and it's totally healed.

- Then why am I doing this?

Why aren't you doing this whole tournament?

- To be very honest, it started off

as just I wanted revenge.

And you were a part of my plan,

but then I saw you out there just ooh,

like destroying people left and right

and just becoming this,

this Melanie that I knew long ago.

- So you did this for me?

- [Danny] Yeah.

- That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

- Yeah, man.

You're badass.

You're fucking badass, dude.

- I am badass.

- You're a badass and you're back!

- And you know what? - What?

- I'ma go kick her ass!

- You're gonna beat the shit out of her!

We'll get a knife. - On the table.

No, we won't get a knife. - What?

- I'm gonna do it

in a regulated, - Of course.

- Safe way. - Of course.

- But I'm gonna kick that twat's ass!

- Oh, she doesn't give a shit.

You're back!

- Yeah, let's go!

- Tonight we find our ladies' arm wrestling champion!

(crowd applauding)

In this corner,

there's legends in every sport.

There's Air Jordan, there's Iron Mike,

and there is Brenda the Bonecrusher!

(Brenda growling)

And her opponent came out of nowhere

to take the arm wrestling world by storm.

And if you can't take the heat,

get out of her kitchen.

It's the Breadwinner!

(crowd applauding)

- [Crowd] Bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread

bread, bread, bread, bread, bread!

- Yeah!

- Yeah, Mel, come on,

you got this! - yeah, come on, Mel!

- This championship bout is best

two out of three!

- Wrestlers ready.

- Scared yet?

- I was born scared.

- Set.

Go!

(crowd applauding)

- You can do it!

Come on Mel, you got this!

(crowd applauding)

You did it, just one more.

Just one more, you got this.

(tense music)

- You can do it, Brenda.

- Scared yet?

- Fuck off.

- [Referee] Set.

Go!

- Here we go now! - Yeah!

- [Danny] Go, go, go, go, go!

- [Essie] Come on Brenda!

Keep your form.

- Mel, your break arm position!

No!

(cracking)

- [Melanie] Ow!

- Yeah!

(whimpering)

- You're doing great.

I'll be right back.

(Danny retching)

- Don't get, ugh. - Oh fuck!

(both retching)

Oh, Jesus Christ,

I've never seen anything

look like that before. - What does it look like?

Is it bad?

- Yeah, it's bad, don't look at it.

- I have to look.

- What? - I have to look.

- Please don't look at it.

No you don't, don't look at it, please.

Please don't look-

(both screaming)

Why did you look at it?!

Ew!

Ew, Mel, oh my god!

Mel!

(Mel sobbing)

I wanna give you a hug but I'm scared it's gonna,

oh fuck, that up!

Mel, I'm so sorry I did this to you.

I fucked up!

This is all my fucking fault, I'm so sorry.

- Danny, no, no, no.

It's not your fault.

For the first time in my life

I feel like I'm in my life, you know,

like I feel like I'm living,

like I'm making choices and I'm breaking things.

Ah, ah!

(retching)

- Oh my god.

- I'm so grateful to you.

I'm so thankful.

- What?

- I know this seems really bad.

But it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

And I wouldn't have done it if it weren't for you.

And I'm just so, so, so thankful

that you pushed me to do this.

Oh, I didn't wanna disappoint you

and I'm sorry that I didn't win.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

You didn't disappoint me.

Did you see what you did out there?

You fucking destroyed it.

I've never seen anything like that before!

I'm so fucking proud of you.

- Thank you, Danny.

- And this, none of this is worth it, you know?

This is worth, ugh.

I fucking looked.

None of this is worth it, okay?

It's okay to walk away.

I'm gonna go tell them that you're out, okay?

Then we'll get you fixed up.

(inspiring music)

Hey man, she's out.

Her arm is really messed up.

- I have to give it to Bonecrusher.

- Yeah.

Fuck.

♪ Tell 'em it's just a matter of time ♪

♪ It's just a matter of time

♪ Goddamn, we're coming back strong ♪

♪ And mighty and down we roll

(bluesy rock)

(crowd applauding)

- Whoah, oh my god!

♪ You're gonna thank me later

- Mel, are you sure you wanna do this?

- I'm not gonna walk away anymore.

- Okay, you can't grip the pin,

so use your foot as an anchor.

- [Carl] She's back, ladies and gentlemen.

Not even a broken arm can stop her.

- Oh my god.

- So who the hell are you now?

- Go!

(Brenda chuckling)

- I am Golden Arm.

- [Man] Golden Arm!

- [Woman] Golden Arm, woohoo!

- [Crowd] Golden Arm, Golden Arm, Golden Arm,

Golden Arm, Golden Arm, Golden Arm,

Golden Arm, Golden Arm!

(Melanie screaming)

(triumphant music)

(crowd applauding)

- My god, you did it!

Holy shit, Jerry, she fucking did it!

She fucking did it!

(gentle music)

(triumphant music)

- [Crowd] Golden Arm, Golden Arm, Golden Arm,

Golden Arm, Golden Arm, Golden Arm,

Golden Arm, Golden Arm, Golden Arm,

Golden Arm, Golden Arm, Golden Arm!

(crowd applauding)

(intense music)

- [Referee] Ready, set, go!

(crowd cheering)

(upbeat electronic music)

(coughing)

- Oh my god!

Is someone?

Danny.

- My choker's too tight.

- [Woman] Yeah, Bonecrusher!

- I don't think there's a camera there.

- Mouthy ones.

Ooh, some of them were talkers.

- [Brenda] Hey!

- Ooh!

- I'll fuck you in a car!

Haha yeah!

- I don't even know if I'm supposed to be back here.

- [Melanie] Probably not.

- I'm already here though.

- My aunt can do this and she's got a hook.

Come on.

- (spitting) What the fuck is in this?!

- [Man] Tobacco spit.

(cans hissing)

(Big Sexy screaming)

- I'm gonna throw up.

- Oh yeah.

- Mel is Golden Arm.

I mean, it's amazing.

- Some guys they like little waves.

Some guys, they like women they can carry.

No, carry me, carry me.

I wanna be the little spoon.

- That's what I'm talking about.

- I really like Jerry.

He's so sweaty.

I bet he'd be really slippery.

- I got just a little frisbee, you know

in case you wanna have fun with that.

And a light if it gets dark.

I got tongs, always need good tongs.

- When I first met Danny,

I saw myself in her.

She felt like a young Randy.

But I was never that stupid.

- Maybe she's jealous, you know.

I hate that, I hate the thought of that

but she is weird about her scones, right,

am I right?

I mean, she's weird.

- Watch this guys, watch this.

Wait.

(chuckling) Pretty cool, huh?

I can do it with almost any pair of glasses.

- Star Arena, turns out is built on an ancient ocean.

So that's where I come from.

Just sort of emerged out of some kelp, seaweed, coral,

and now this is a women's arm wrestling arena

and turns out I fit in pretty good.

- So you know what I say to all you ladies out there?

Don't be afraid!

Crush, crush, crush the world!

(screaming)

- Labes out!

(light music)

- All right, ladies and gentlemen.

And that was the legend of the Golden Arm.

So, movie's over.

You can all go now.

Just go on, get out of here.

And pick up after yourself on the way out.

Have a little consideration for the people that work here.

Thank you very much.

That's it, go.