Original subtitles

Earlier today at number 10.

North!

Football!

I'm back, Ange. Oh, hello, Prime Minister.

How was New York? Oh, Ange, it was bloody brilliant.

It's just like Manchester, except the trams.

Go underground.

I tell you what, you absolutely smashed that speech to the UN.

About time someone stood up to Russia. They hate us because we've got freedom

and Greggs.

I'm sick of Russia trying to divide the British people. We can divide ourselves,

thank you very much.

We're all here.

By the way, there's some local lads outside wanting to meet you.

Apparently, they're big fans.

Get them in, Ange. The door is always open at Number 10 North.

You all right, our kids, yeah?

Nolan, Liam, Gallagher, what are you lads doing here?

I'm a huge fan of Oasis, and not just the good albums.

Nice. Yeah, cheers, mate. Loved your speech.

Cheers, you know what I mean? Yeah.

We got a gift.

Tickets to our next gig at the Etihad, the home of Man City, assuming the

stadium don't get repossessed before then.

Three tickets.

Get in.

Only problem is Bonehead's done his knuckles in, so we need someone to come

and play guitar.

You wouldn't know anyone like that, would you?

Lads, I play guitar.

Right, well, yeah, nice.

Then... You're in the band?

Ange, cancel the budget. I'm going on tour.

Nice one, Andy. So all you've got to do is log in to this website and bring in

your details and we'll be in touch, yeah?

Hold on, Andy. Something doesn't feel right.

Are you sure about this? Come off it, Ange. I'm finally getting my big break.

Here you go, lads.

Password, national insurance,

name of my first pet, and...

Oh, Andy, Andy, Andy.

You have fallen for classic Russian internet phishing scam.

Liam, did you know Noel was Russian?

There is no Liam. I'm Special Agent Liamovitch Galagakov, and this is my

Special Agent Nolikov Galagovsky. Different surnames, not real brothers.

Oasis is, and has always been, Russian psyop.

All our songs made in lab by Kremlin scientists.

Even Wonderwall.

Ah, original title, Wonderful Wall.

About the Berlin Wall.

Now we have your email password, UK will become Russian puppet state.

Andy.

Andy, they've won.

Come on, let's take down this Manchester stuff and put up some Russia stuff.

No!

What do you mean, no? You got cloth ears.

I said no!

For too long, Russia has tried to spread lies, stoke fears, and on occasion,

convince prime ministers they were joining Oasis.

But I'm asking you now, lads, pack it in.

Just because you've got the power to do something doesn't mean you should.

I, for example, could hold a general election tomorrow and easily smash it.

But as I announced yesterday, I won't do. And I could.

Maybe I should.

And I will.

But I won't.

Unless I do.

Which I won't.

Unless I do.

And that is true leadership.

Which is why I win.

So come on, you rusky monks.

Why don't you leave Britain alone and go back to being oasis?

What do you think, comrade?

Hmm.

Maybe.

What was that?

I said maybe.

That's more like it, sunshine, because... Life from London is so good!

Night Live with Hamid and Masha.

Rachel Jennery.

Live UK.

My name is Amelia de Moldenberg.

You might know me from my YouTube show where I date celebrities in a chicken

shop. It's called Chicken Shop Date.

And I don't know if you saw but I'm deciding to end the show.

There's been loads of rumours as to around why and I'm here to tell you the

truth. I found out something devastating.

Apparently, these celebrities weren't coming on to date me. They were coming

on to promote their work.

It makes so much more sense now.

Andrew Garfield had a film out.

When he kept saying, I'm looking forward to the big release, I thought that was a

sex thing.

Whilst filming, my favourite chicken shops were always the ones that were

nearly KFC.

like PFC, DFC, CFC.

It's basically KFC without the same history, reputation or star quality,

which is why I wanted to host SNL UK.

I'm incredibly privileged to have done so many interviews with people like

Idris Elba, Cher and even a world-famous red-headed puppet with a hand up his

arse telling him what to say.

No, the other one.

As the show comes to an end, I've been reminiscing on the youth centre where

the idea started.

I grew up in central London, which I know is weird. No-one is from central.

My local is the M&M store and my first kiss was Peter Andre at Madame Tussauds.

But the youth center is where I really found my voice and learned to be who I

am and that's why I think they're so important I was so lucky to be given the

chance to find out who I was It taught me that I am an awkward girl and there's

no shame in that just huge profit And I just want to say to all the other

awkward girls out there I Am proof that you don't have to stop being awkward to

be successful That it isn't a hindrance and it's something that should be

celebrated

I am proof that you should always be yourself.

Be yourself on chicken shop date.

Be yourself at the Oscars red carpet.

Be yourself in The Devil Wears Prada 2.

Be yourself in your upcoming rom-com.

Be yourself in all of the sketches during Saturday Night Live UK.

Just like the chickens I love to eat, you don't have to have range.

We have a great show for you tonight.

Rachel Kilabiri is here.

Stick around and watch this.

Greatest England score of all time!

Go on, Harry Kane!

Wow, he's done it again. He really has. He's waving at the crowd and he's...

Leaving the pitch.

Oh, yes.

I can't wait to celebrate with a baby bell.

Harry, what are you doing?

Oh, no.

My waxy cheese.

Get back on the pitch now!

Sorry, gaffer.

You're gonna have to find another formation.

Cheese!

Where are you, Cheese?

Oh, nice, there it is.

Oh,

hi, Fetal President Gianni Infantino.

Enjoying your hydration break?

Can I have my waxy cheese back, please?

If you want it. You had better go and get it.

Ah! Oh, no.

Hey rats, give me back my baby bell.

Oopsie daisy, I'm not insured for this.

Don't worry Harry, we'll help you.

Wait, are you... The guy that breaks up Fatbergs?

Yeah. And I'm Fiona Bruce, been down here looking for my glasses.

Well that one's the top of your head.

Stolen your cheese.

Yeah, I know they're kicking it around like a football. Come on gang.

Let's give them hell and get back that baby Nice

better

luck next time boys

Yeah, obviously, thank you everyone and yeah, see you later Bye-bye

Baby Bell the preferred waxy cheese of some of the England football

team 98% milk and a hundred percent impossible to resist even during the big

game You meant to take the wax off first

So Sophie, how are you finding your trial shift?

Good, I guess. I mean, it's a night shift at a wax museum.

How hard can it be?

You'd be surprised.

Ah, damn fuse box.

Need my tools.

Give me a minute, will you?

Don't let anyone in.

Or out.

Hate this place that looks nothing like Dua Lipa Um, hey,

hi, hey, um, excuse me Chris Martin, is that you?

It's me Chris Martin. Yeah. Hey namaste.

Um, I Need your help. I was on the bog when they closed the museum. You

couldn't do me a solid and let me out Of course, Chris. I'm a huge fan. Let me

get the door for you. Don't do it That's not the real Chris Martin

It's Chris Martin's waxwork come to life.

What? Like Night at the Museum?

Never seen it.

But if you let him out, he'll kill the real Chris Martin and steal his

identity. No, no, no, listen, I swear on all of my wristbands, I'm the real

Chris. Liar, liar, pants on fire!

So the waxwork's come to life?

Every night they try and escape, but the only way they can leave is if we let

them out.

It is the bane of my friggin' life.

Oh, here comes trouble.

All right, just play it cool, lads. Just play it cool.

What do you lot want?

Hello, lads. We're four electricians.

We're four electricians from Liverpool.

And we're looking for your fuse box. There might be one of them outside fuse

boxes, eh? Oh, good point, Ringo.

Maybe we should go outside.

Of course electricians write this way.

Sophie, you fool!

Don't let the disguises trick you.

Okay, that's the wax fab four nice try lads back to your podiums Look

here comes another let's practice. Okay, show me how

you do it if I wasn't here

Um

piss off you can't leave here Oh, I

think i'm getting a hang of this Dealt with Charlie Chaplin.

You did better than that. That was Hitler with a hat on.

Nein, verdammt!

You see, the job is easy. You just don't let people out. With a few exceptions,

of course.

Exceptions?

Help me!

Who's saying that?

I think it's coming from that cupboard.

Tom Hiddleston?

Oh, thank God you found me. I've been trapped in that horrible cupboard for

years. What do you mean?

I came here in 2017 for the launch of my wax model.

Paparazzi, champagne, a promotional tie-in with Kong Skull Island.

It was one of the best nights of my life.

But then, while I was on the bog, they shut for the night and my wax figure

locked me in this cupboard.

Oh, my God.

Everything I've been in since then, low-key...

That Pompeii documentary.

Loki season two.

That was all him.

It was all wax.

That makes total sense.

Please, you must let me out so I can write this wrong.

I want to be in movies again.

I've never seen one like this before, Sophie.

He may well be telling the truth.

OK, but I just want to check one thing.

Of course. Hey, Tom?

Need a light!

I'm melting! I'm melting!

Oh, God, the smell!

Jeez!

How did you know?

The cold, dead eyes were a giveaway.

He didn't have them.

Well,

I think it's fair to say you've passed your trial shift.

Let's get these lights back on, huh?

Time for me to fix that outdoor fuse box for real.

Oh, would you be a dear and get the door for me? Oh, yeah, sure thing.

Oh, Sophie, just one more thing.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Elvis has left the building. Come on, gang.

Come on, Mama. This way, Mama. Come on.

Another letter from the bank We are quite ruined come my

love or may not yet be lost at the Ashkenbo last night Jane caught the eye

of mr.

Pembroke, mr.

Pembroke 12,000 a year a considerable estate and one of the finest families in

the country

And does he care for Jane?

I believe he does.

He told me last night that he wished to call upon you today on a matter of great

importance. Oh, Mama, he is all I've ever hoped for.

Oh, Jane, perhaps our fortunes are about to change.

Mr Pembroke is here, sir.

Mr Pembroke, you came.

Colonel, Mrs Litchfield, I shall be brief. I love your daughter and I have

come to ask for her hand in marriage.

I have your blessing.

Not a chance in hell.

I am confused. Have I caused you some offence? Yes.

Explain those calf-length abominations.

These, sir, these are my big cargo jorts.

Jorts? What in the name of God are jorts?

Jorts, father.

Jeans and shorts.

Shorts? Do not insult me, Jane. They are trousers on suicide watch.

if I have to look at them any longer.

You look like a divorced uncle at Go Ape. How dare you say... Papa, this man

has just offered to marry me and save our family from certain ruin.

I am quite aware of that, Jane.

Then what does it matter what he wears? Because those make him look like a

lesbian on safari.

And I would rather let this house fall into ruin than allow those jorts

anywhere near this family.

That is absurd, sir.

My big cargo jorts are exceptionally practical. Check out these pockets.

They are not pockets.

They are outbuildings. Why on earth would you need that many pockets?

To carry my essential items. What essential items?

Well, this one contains loose skittles.

Loose skittles and that one?

Well, this one... Laser quest receipt. Oh, this is

even worse.

All those packets are nowhere to put your shame I am told

my father of this manager. He'll be here any second My

son my future family-in-law what a glorious day it is

But wait, why do you all look so crestfallen?

big jorts how dare you reject my big son

on account of his big cargo jorts the pembrokes are one of the most respected

families in england we have served kings fought wars governed counties in those

in various versions of these years

Oh, you find that amusing, do you? Coming from a family wearing those.

Oh.

Vibrant five fingers.

But they are so comfortable.

They allow each toe to experience the earth individually.

Well, it looks like the shoe is on the other foot now, eh, mother and father?

Well,

I suppose we are two families Horrible taste.

Let them be married.

Thank you, Father.

We are saved.

Mr Pembroke, where's my ring? Ah, yes, the ring.

Now, which pocket did I put?

Oh, maybe it's this one. Well, everyone muck in now.

This is Love Is Blind UK.

30 singletons have spent the last few weeks dating without ever seeing each

other, and now Gemma has a tough decision to make.

I feel so torn.

Adam's a foodie and he loves the gym.

But there's something about Maximus.

I'm Maximus. I'm 33 and half of me is horse.

I've always felt judged for my looks. It's always felt like I'm either too

much horse or not enough horse.

Max is such a sweet guy. There's no flies on him. Well, yeah, sometimes

there is flies, but he just swishes them away with his tail.

What do you do for work, Maxie? I work in finance, Lloyds TSB. Yourself? I'm a

brand manager.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, for a glue factory.

A glue factory?

OK, right.

Sorry, did I say something wrong?

No, no, no, it's fine.

It's, um... I think I just need some space.

Sorry.

You are sticking to my heart like glue.

But I couldn't stay mad at her for long because we just have so much in common.

How's my girl doing? Yeah, I'm good.

Just did a workout.

Now I'm having my overnight oats and some water.

Sorry, what?

You're joking?

What? I eat between 8 and 10 kilos of oats every single day of my life.

Really? This feels like it was meant to be, Gemma.

Gemma, can you stand up for me, please? Oh, my God!

Max!

Gemma, from the first time we started talking, I knew you were the girl for

me. We both love carrots, we both hate sudden loud noises, even the fact that

both our dads died by breaking their legs, then subsequently being shot in

the head.

Gemma Meryl Streep.

Will you marry me?

I can't wait to, like, see her now and start the rest of our lives together.

Hello. Oh, cheers, mate. That's a good horse.

I've known him for six days and he's the love of my life.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Oh, my God. You are stunning. Look at you.

You're perfect.

Can I spin you? Yeah.

I fancy him so much.

See you soon, hubby.

See you soon, yeah?

Oh, for God's sake, no.

Yeah, I mean, my initial reaction was obviously shot, because he's so tall.

He's perfect.

She's all right, yeah.

I was kind of hoping for a bit more in the... ..rest department.

But I guess you get what you're given.

Found them, chief.

Two conscious.

First floor.

Right, guys, follow me. I'm going to get you out of here. Wait!

What about our one thing?

Oh, my God, how could I forget?

Yes, fireman, we need our one thing.

What do you mean, one thing?

You know, the one thing you'd take with you if your house was on fire.

Your house is on fire.

Exactly. OK, fine, well, let's grab your one thing and let's go, go, go, OK?

Yeah, get... I don't know.

Are you serious?

You don't know what it is?

I mean, when it's a hypothetical, you say photo albums, right? But now we're

in a fire.

I'm not so sure. We've got a lot of... Hey, babe, are you sure you aren't sure?

Er... Hey, can our one thing be the same thing?

Yes! What is it?

The L-shaped sofa!

Piss off!

You can't take that!

But it's an L-shape. White chaise, deep seats.

We designed the whole room around that sofa. It's changed the way we host.

I don't care.

It's massive and it's clearly a four-man job.

The fire has reached the stairwell.

We need to... Oh, God.

Is that an L-shaped sofa?

Yeah, it's our one thing.

Obviously, we got one last June. It changed the way we host.

Shit, we'd better move.

Good thing I'm here. This is a four-man job.

I'll be on the cushions. God, I can't believe I'm saying this, but ready?

Three, two, one.

I got it.

It's too big for the door.

Put it down, put it down.

Let's reassess, let's reassess.

On its side? On its side.

Ah!

Hand on the door, hand on the door.

Stop, stop, stop.

Right, think, think, think.

How did you get it in?

I just remembered we assembled it in here.

You just remembered?!

I'm trying to evacuate them, Chief, OK? But they won't leave without their

stupid one thing.

What's their one thing?

The L-shaped sofa, which they can't fit through the fricking door.

Did you say L-shaped?

Get

that

sofa out of here!

Shit! the staircase is collapsing it won't take the weight of all five of us

plus the sofa okay well that's that was it leave the sofa let's go go go go wait

leave me behind thank you baby no

leave me behind the chief you're retiring tomorrow

this is insane i'll tell you what was insane west finchley

Semi-detached 2004.

Place went up in 19 minutes.

Got everyone out just in time. Thought we'd done a good job, but then... I saw

it. Through the smoke.

Corner unit, wide chaise. Gave the whole room a focal point.

I should have saved that L-shape, but I just watched it burn.

They gave me a medal that day.

Called me a hero.

That's what's insane.

Now go!

Thank you, Chief.

We'll never forget your sacrifice.

Hey, you're a hero now.

I'm not a hero.

Just a regular guy who refuses to watch 200 quid go up in flames.

Wait, sorry. These only cost 200 quid. Go, go, go!

All right, thanks, Chief.

I commit my body to the flames!

Mom? Dad?

Where'd you go?

I picked my one thing.

My God!

Is that a USB-C powered IKEA touch lamp?

It'd change the way you host!

Come, girl!

Not today, mighty Vulcan!

Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Chinneriri.

I'm not really sure.

Should have stayed in.

She's a

Get out of the blood

sexy maybe

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Paddy Young. And I'm Anya Magliano.

This week, Donald Trump welcomed President Xi of China to the White

House. As a sign of respect, Trump wore a bright red tie, the colour of

communist China, and Xi wore a mottled purple tie, the colour of Trump's

prostate.

The Americans held a Chinese-inspired banquet to honour their guests.

Trump ordered a 23, an 18 and a 21.

And afterwards sat down for a Chinese-inspired banquet.

From Beijing to Bej Man, Trump also met Andy Burnham.

It wasn't a particularly memorable meeting for Trump, because he's got

dementia.

Like Trump, Burnham also has his focus on China. China make everyone like him.

Last week, the United Nations Security Council heard a speech from OpenAI co

-founder Sam Altman, seen here telephoning his keyboard.

Altman, whose company launched ChatGPT, warned the Security Council that his

creation could destroy humanity.

Then he slapped his own wrist and ran giggling out of the room saying, someone

stop me.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu addressed the UN General

Assembly this week.

Netanyahu, seen here explaining how many genocides he's currently involved in...

He was a

commanding presence in the room. He made the podium his own. And then the podium

next to him. And all the chairs.

And some of the benches.

But, in a sense, weren't they always his?

Of course, it's easy to paint Netanyahu as the bad guy in this situation.

Following conversations at the UN...

UK Defence Secretary

Wes Streeting vowed to review the Chagos Islands deal.

The territory poses a particular challenge for Streeting, as it spans

only 20 square miles and can't go anywhere his head doesn't fit.

In a new interview, Andy Burnham has said that Britain is too, quote, in hock

to the bond markets.

If you don't know what inhock means, I'll use it in a sentence.

Today, I don't know what inhock means.

This week, Thicky influencers Jake and Logan Paul gave a motivational talk to

US Army service members.

It's the two worst things to enter the Pentagon since the nose and then cockpit

of Flight 77.

Flooding from a sewer in Cumbernauld, Scotland, has left an enormous keach on

a popular path for hikers.

If you don't know what keach means, I'll use it in a sentence.

Today, the keach was in hock.

Anti-migrant activist Danny Tomo is in court this week after being arrested on

suspicion of stabbing a dinghy.

Unfortunately, with Tomo in court, we can't show you any actual footage of the

incident, but we are able to recreate it for you now.

The scene, the beach.

Oi, Danny, where are you allegedly going with that knife?

Oh, whoops, I bloody dropped it. Oh, no worries, I'll pick it up for you, mate.

Oh, my God.

Your arms feel amazing.

Do you work out?

Oh, not as much as I should.

Wait, come back, you're gorgeous.

Like, we shouldn't do this. Oh, we should, it's why it feels so good.

Wow, I didn't know men could scissor.

We can and it feels amazing.

Oi, lads, what are you up to? Oh, you mind if I watch?

If you haven't seen the video, that's exactly what happened.

OK.

After the hottest UK summer on record and another heatwave this week, an

invasive mosquito species known to spread the dengue and Zika viruses has

been found breeding in some East London homes.

Here to defend themselves, it's two East London mosquitoes.

Hey, what's good, Anya? You're looking warm-blooded, girl.

Thanks. So, guys, you've been spreading viruses about, is that right?

No, no, no, Anya, you got us all wrong, girl.

We don't spread viruses, we spread vibes.

What's your blood type? Chill, chill, bro, chill.

Let me land.

Sorry about my boy, you know, smoking too much of that citronella candle.

Citronella, ella, ella...

Anya, those wrists are looking nice. You're going to make me act up. OK, just

chill. Chill.

It's a dance we're doing right now, man. Just let me land.

Please, Anya, continue.

OK, well, do you feel bad about all the diseases you're spreading? No, no,

listen, Anya. See me, yeah? See me.

I'm never trying to be a negative guy, right?

I'm always trying to be positive.

You know what I'm saying? You feel me, yeah?

Hey, wouldn't it be fun if we all got our bare arms out tonight? No, relax!

Relax! Man, just let me land.

Sorry, sorry. Chill.

Just chill. We're all chill. It's all chill.

And Anya, when you go to bed at night, yeah?

If and when, yeah?

Party girl right here, yeah?

You see her at Dawson's Superstore, giving her that, you know what I'm

saying?

I see you, I see you. When you go to bed at night, right, talk me through that

set-up, please.

OK. Well, usually I'd wear, like, PJ bottoms and, I guess, a tank top.

And then I'd sleep on top of the duvet, because it has been quite hot.

Then I would leave the window wide open.

And then I'd put up my massive mosquito net.

Oh, pointless.

Screw it. What's the point? What is it? You're looking down as a prick, Tizania.

Come on. All right, get them out of here. Oh, Jesus Christ!

Tizania mosquito net!

It's been... It's been revealed this week that the leader of the Liberal

Democrats, Ed Davey, actually has a name that sounds a lot like egg gravy.

The annual Labour Party conference starts tomorrow and attendees will hear

from all the big hitters. This guy, this guy and this guy.

It's a real who's who.

..of who's going to do the right thing and dick me down.

New estimates by climate scientists say that more than 450,000 people are

expected to die from droughts, wildfires and flooding in the next six months.

Magsie, not me!

Catalyst for the MeToo movement, Harvey Weinstein has been sentenced to 15 years

in prison following a new sexual assault conviction.

MeToo is now what the inmates say in the queue for Weinstein's arsehole.

Back in 2016, Weinstein hired a private intelligence firm to help dig up dirt on

his victims.

So on one side, we have a prolific rapist with paid spies.

On the other, we have abuse victims who've been silenced.

A conflict described by Ed Sheeran as nuanced.

A senior Indonesian politician has posted a photo with Sir Tony Blair after

they worked out together.

Tony, seen here showing off his latest impressive arms deal...

..has now revealed his workout routine.

One push-up for every life lost in Iraq.

Bake-off return this week with new judge Nigella Lawson and a whole new batch of

delicious cakes.

I'm already feeling incredibly hungry.

Sorry, horny. I meant horny.

I said hungry, but I meant horny.

I'll read the whole thing again.

Read it again.

Bake-off returns this week and I'm horny.

A new right to bereavement leave... ..will soon cover step-relatives who

pass away.

Funnily enough, Step Nan was the last thing I shouted before she fell down the

stairs.

A newly identified prehistoric frog has been named after the mother of the

scientist who discovered it.

So, welcome to the animal kingdom, fat slut tree frog.

MP Max Wilkinson has warned against the use of smart glasses with cameras in

them, calling them perv goggles.

Sounds cool.

We've got a pair here, let's see if they work.

Welcome to The One Show.

I'm a man.

And I'm a woman with shiny hair.

Coming up, we'll be speaking to Nicholas Lindhurst about his shisha pipe

collection. Plus, we'll be meeting a young lad with a rare condition that's

turning him into a tawny owl.

Twit-twoo.

But first, it's day one of our very own Jake Graham's sponsorship challenge in

aid of wide feet awareness.

Starting at 4am.

Not for me.

Jake is now travelling round the entire UK coastline doing only the worm.

He's 15 hours in, so let's see how he's doing.

Hiya, Jake.

Hiya.

There he is on the ground like a worm.

Hello, buddy.

I don't think he can hear us. Can someone nudge him, please?

Sorry. What?

Sorry.

Fancy a chat?

Yeah!

He's so into it, he doesn't want to stop.

How's it going then, young man?

Yeah... Yeah, it's... Well, it's not great.

What's been happening?

It looks like you're covered in strawberry jam or something. No, no, no.

It's blood.

And my nipple came off and got eaten by a crow, so that's gone!

The things animals feast on nowadays.

It really is fascinating.

You know, I once saw a fox eating a nappy.

You want me to respond to that?

Totally up to you.

Now, Jake, it's a long journey ahead, so we thought we'd bring in some showbiz

support. Say hello...

Yep, so, Jake, as of two minutes ago, you've raised a whopping £42 million.

Oh, go on, Jake.

Yes!

Thanks to you, when you cross that finish line, wide feet will finally be a

thing of the past.

Wow, no more thick feet.

You can't back out now. You really can't. Amelia, can you show us the map?

Uh, yeah, so, um... Yeah.

So, after today, you'll be... Sorry, there.

Why is it in the same place? I've wormed all day.

Yeah, but you're doing the entire coastline of Great Britain. So that's

like 11,000 miles.

11,000 miles?

Why are you laughing? I'm going to worm myself to death and you're laughing.

Touch my stomach. Amelia, touch my stomach.

Surprise. Feel that? It's my colon.

I've wormed one day and I've kinder-egged my colon.

Do you want an energy sachet? It's beef. No, I don't want that. Why would I want

that? What's... I just want to know how long it's going to take me. At the speed

you're going?

Yes! At the speed I'm going.

19.7 years.

Sorry, one moment.

I should have read the email.

Jake, it's OK.

I'd be scared too, but please, do this for me.

Jesus Christ!

K&L, big as bread.

Wow, those are crazy.

I know, but, you know, if I do, if you do this, then I can finally wear bowling

shoes. You know how my heart has longed for the lanes.

OK, yeah, bowling, bowling is really fun. You deserve a game.

Amelia, guess I better get a wiggle on.

Oh, yes.

Bravo, young man. Well done, Jakey. That's the spirit.

You can do it, darling.

This secret you think

that's just how my anxiety presents.

No, literally. No, like, you don't even get it, like... No, no, I know, it was

sickening, it was literally vomit-inducing, like, put me in hospital

and put a wristband on me. Literally a wristband, literally a wristband. Wipe

me down with alcohol, put me on an IV.

No, literally, yeah, like, literally, like, clean me, just, like, clean me.

Scrub me down. I'm filth, I'm disgusting, I'm abhorrent.

And the thing is, like... No, you don't, cos you're gonna make me.

You're gonna make me. No.

No, but you can.

You can.

You're a queen.

No, I know. I'm, like, a bad bitch. The baddest. The worst.

You're a filthy criminal.

No, but, like, lock me up. Like, call the police. Send them to my house. Let

them dust for fingerprints.

Swab for DNA.

Take out a cotton bud.

Snap it gently. Put in a capsule. Screw on the lid. Label it. Send it off to the

lab for processing.

No, you get it. Like, nail me. Nail me to the cross. Put a crown of thorns upon

my head. Let me say there as my body withers away and my waist becomes so

snatched. So snatched.

So snatched. Invisible. Like, invisible. Like, we can't even see it.

Yeah. Yeah.

So anyway, that's the story of how my dad died.

My biggest thanks to Rachel Chinnariri and a huge thanks to the cast.

Thanks to everyone, the writers who have made this such an amazing week.

It's been such an honour to host...

Tune in to the next episode on October the 10th. Goodnight!