Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

I gotta lay off that space candy.

Ten minutes to capsule entry, doctor.

Thank you, Tom.

Well, major, everything's fine,

except for a slight rise in pulse rate.

We can put that down to pre-blast-off excitement.

I've been waiting a number of years for a lunar orbit.

I guess I am excited.

Commander, if you will.

Well, now, let's see what we have here, Major Healey.

Ah, 175 pounds. Good.

Dr. Bellows, I wanted to ask you a favor

in case the splashdown is delayed.

Would you mind calling the Surf Restaurant

and having them hold the table for me?

Uh, we're having a little party after the flight and--

I beg your pardon.

We're having a party and they get testy about reservations

Major Healey, as command pilot,

I insist you keep your mind on what's ahead.

Yes, sir. Of course.

Relax, commander.

I'm sure when Major Healey is aloft,

he'll tend to business.

Yeah. After all, the moon's pretty romantic.

Had a lot of things written about it, poetry, music.

All bushwa.

The moon is a dead satellite composed of igneo-ferrous rock.

There is no plant life, no animal life, nothing.

It's just a field for scientific experiment

and that's all.

Wingate's gonna be a lot of laughs on the moon.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Well, gentlemen, as far as I'm concerned,

it's all systems go.

The only problem is the flu epidemic.

Of course, you've all been inoculated for the Asian flu,

the Hong Kong flu, as a matter of fact,

every kind of flu that we have a vaccine for.

Well, the rest is up to you.

Good luck, commander, major.

ROGER: About the Surf Restaurant, sir. Would you mind calling--

Master. Psst.

Jeannie, I'm gonna blast off any second now.

I know.

Major Nelson, are you coming?

I'll be right there, sir.

But I had to give you one last-minute goodbye kiss.

Y-- Mm.

Oh. Good luck. Good luck.

And say hello to the man in the moon for me.

Jeannie, there's no man in the moon.

Well, of course there is. Everyone says so.

Nelson. Nelson, let's go.

I'll be right there, sir.

Yes.

[SNEEZES]

Oh, my goodness.

I hope I am not coming down with something.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Tony, I've reported your cold to Mission Control.

They say it's up to me whether we abort or not.

Well, sir.

[SNEEZES]

[NASALLY] We've come this far. Might as well go all the way.

[SNEEZES]

Listen, we're 10 minutes away from lunar injection.

After that, it'll be too late.

Yeah, I'd hate to ask my doctor

to make a house call on the moon.

[LAUGHING]

Space humor there, commander.

It'll be a fun trip.

[♪♪♪]

This is Nelson to Mission Control.

Translunar insertion in 60 seconds.

After that we'll be on radio and TV silence.

I wanna take this opportunity

on behalf of Commander Wingate and Major Healey

to thank all the ground crew

for making this moment possible.

[SNEEZES]

Sorry.

Oh, dear.

This is terrible.

My master cannot go to the moon when he has a cold.

He must be home where I can nurse him.

[SNEEZES]

This is Nelson, over and out.

How was the walk, Wingate?

Exactly as I expected.

You must remember, Nelson, I have been here before.

Yes, of course.

Stand by for translunar insertion.

Give me a countdown.

Five, four, three,

two, one, zero.

Lunar orbit, here we come.

[SIGHING] Ah.

Right on the button, Wingate.

Oh, now we can relax for the next seven hours.

There, there, master.

Now, you can go to the moon next week, when you feel better.

[GASPS]

Oh, dear.

Where am I?

I brought back the wrong astronaut.

Steady, steady, steady, steady, Wingate. Uh...

They talk about raptures of the deep.

And, um, maybe you're having raptures of deep space.

Um...

Major Healey, take over and wake Major Nelson.

I seem to be having some kind of hallucination.

No, no, commander, this is no hallucination.

I simply made a mistake.

[SNEEZES]

Oh. Goodness.

Maybe my cold is affecting my powers.

Um, ahem, this is-- This is, uh--

This is incredible, Healey,

but at this moment you appear to me as a, um--

A very beautiful woman wearing a, uh--

A, uh-- A harem costume.

Well, thank you.

It's my pleasure, Healey.

Oh, do not worry, commander.

I will put you back on your spacecraft.

And I will bring my master here.

Uh, no, no, I had better not.

If I should miss,

you would be floundering out in space for ever and ever.

I know.

I know. I will bring my master here.

I will try for him one more time

Oh, he is so brilliant. He is so brilliant.

He will know exactly what to do.

Well, now what do we do?

There's nothing to do.

We can't change course until we enter the lunar orbit.

Besides, we're gonna be on radio silence

for next seven hours.

There's nothing to do but wait.

Oh, I wonder what Wingate is gonna think of Jeannie.

Major Healey, I'm gonna take a sleeping pill

and maybe when I wake up, you'll be yourself again.

I mean, I'll be myself again, whatever.

Oh, master, oh, master, thank heaven.

I was so afraid that my cold had affected my blink.

Your blink's pretty rusty all right.

Blink us back in the capsule immediately.

Ah, oh, Nelson, Nelson, good, good.

I, uh-- I seem to be coming out of it.

You, uh-- You look like you should.

But, um, I wish you'd stop kissing Major Healey.

Now, please.

I cannot, master. I must talk to you first.

Well, would you put him to sleep or something.

Oh, there is no need, master. He took a sleeping pill.

Why did you do this?

That is why. You see, master.

You know better than to go out of the house

when you have a cold.

Jeannie, NASA's been preparing for this flight for three years,

spending millions of dollars and you blink me back

just 'cause I have a cold?

How about Wingate? He didn't even have a cold.

Oh, well, I was aiming for you.

Well, you see, with my cold, my--

My eyes are all teary

and my nose is plugged up, and I--

I missed.

Well, blow your nose and blink us back.

Oh, master, I could not do that.

It would be too dangerous.

Oh, I might miss and--

And-- And miss that tiny little capsule

and you'd be floundering in space for ever and ever.

Oh, Jeannie.

I am sorry, master.

Don't you understand--

It is all my fault.

Roger is up there all alone.

It takes two people to operate that thing.

He can't possibly complete the mission.

Oh, that is all right, master.

I will go up there and help him.

You-- What? You can't go up there.

You don't know the first thing about it.

Of course I can, master. It is the only way to fly.

You're kidding. You can't-- Jeannie!

Jeannie, come back. Ah!

Master, be sure and get plenty of rest,

eat lightly and push fluids.

What? Oh, wait a minute, you can't--

It occurs to me-- Nelson?

You want lonely, I'll give you lonely.

Hello, Major Healey.

What is this, Grand Central Station?

I do not think so.

Where's Tony and Commander Wingate?

They're at home.

I am supposed to help you complete your mission.

Great. The boys on Yorktown are in for a surprise

when they pick us up.

[♪♪♪]

Shh. Don't wake up.

[TONY GRUNTS]

Here.

Up, up, up.

Shh.

Major, take a note.

Feeling of weightlessness is very pronounced.

Weightlessness, yeah.

[GRUNTS]

This is a marvelous idea, Amanda,

throwing a surprise, welcome-home party

for Major Nelson.

I can't wait to see the look on his face.

Oh, me too, sweetheart.

Put those things in the kitchen

and I think I'll start in here.

Wait a minute, I'm gonna need a red.

Give me a white while you're there.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Oh. Shh.

[♪♪♪]

Shh.

Shh.

[WINGATE GROANS]

TONY: Shh!

What's happening?

I feel like I'm on somebody's shoulder.

Yeah, weird, isn't it?

Commander, release the attitude control.

Attitude control released.

Oh, pretty. Darling, hand me a white.

Is there white?

Ah, here we are. Thank you.

BELLOWS: Hey, good job.

[GIGGLES]

Alfred, is there anybody here?

Not as far as I know.

[GRUNTS, YELLS]

[CRASH]

Um, so how come I just saw the garage doors close?

What? Yes, Alfred.

When we drove up, the garage doors were open

and I just saw them close.

Right now.

Thieves?

You think so?

Let's take a look.

Where are we?

Huh? We're in deep space, sir.

Where else would we be?

I was having hallucinations.

I must still be having them. This place looks like a garage.

Ah! Someone's out the-- Shh.

I was just trying-- Testing the retro rocket, sir.

Everything's gonna be fine.

We're in deep space. You're just having a very weird reaction.

AMANDA: Alfred, darling, I tell you. There is someone in here.

All right, Amanda. Let's find out.

Hold it. Don't be so excited.

Just try to go back to sleep.

[♪♪♪]

I am sorry I ruined everything, Major Healey.

Please do not be angry.

I'm not angry.

It takes three men to run a capsule.

I got one genie, one guy.

If I had two genies, maybe, and one guy.

Or two guys and one genie.

Major, I--

Shh.

AMANDA: What's happening?

BELLOWS: It must be stuck.

What are you doing?

Wait!

My tie!

Shh!

AMANDA: Alfred.

[GRUNTING] What is it, Alfred?

BELLOWS: Ah, Amanda.

Heaven help me.

[GRUNTS] Oh!

I'm sorry. Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I never heard of such things.

Alfred, I'm very sorry.

Amanda, the door was locked because obviously

Major Nelson wanted it locked.

He wanted to keep people out and that includes us.

How could he lock it because--

Now, look, honey, let's go back to the decorating.

I've got to back at the base when they break radio silence.

All right, dear, but I--

Now, look, Amanda, I have never heard of...

What's going on here? That was Dr. Bellows' voice.

I'd recognize it anywhere.

You're endangering the whole mission, sir.

You know what I think?

I think that I must have blacked out in the capsule.

You aborted the mission and for some strange reason

you're trying to convince me that I'm still up there.

Sir, listen to me. Get a grip on yourself.

What's the last thing you remember before you blacked out?

Ah, I was in a bedroom. Yeah.

And there was a girl there.

Yeah.

And she was wearing an Arabian harem costume.

Does that sound like a man

in complete control of his faculties?

Well, no, I'm-- Well, I must admit--

But this is a garage. I can see it.

Y-You want proof, sir? Here, watch.

Look. Look down.

Fantastic.

It looks close enough to touch.

Yeah, and yet we're thousands and thousands of miles away.

I can see the whole Atlantic Ocean.

As a matter of fact, it says "Atlantic Ocean."

Turbulence.

Jeannie, please try to get the commander and Tony back.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, Major Healey. I cannot risk it.

I can't fly this thing by myself.

Oh, Major Healey, have patience.

Patience, patience.

Now, I know what a moon is.

Now, all you have to do is tell me what an orbit is,

and I will get you one.

Tell you what an orbit--

Okay.

Start at the beginning.

Now, look, Amanda, we have to go.

They break radio silence in 20 minutes.

Darling, why don't you go on by yourself

and, uh, I'll stay here and finish decorating,

and I can watch it on the major's television set.

All right, if you insist.

Okay, darling. Bye. Bye.

I've gotta get to NASA.

That's the only way I can get in touch with Jeannie.

Sir, please, wake up. Sir.

Helmet. My helmet.

I feel naked without my helmet.

Helmet? I'll get you a helmet. Don't worry. Stay there.

Nelson, what's going on?

Everything's all right, sir. Just fine.

Major Nelson, is that you?

Who's that? Who's that?

Oh, don't be silly, Amanda. He's on his way to the moon.

Major Nelson, that is-- What are you doing here?

That was Major Nelson.

I'm gonna have to go to NASA and tell Alfred about this.

For heaven's sake.

All right, Jeannie, ready?

Ready. Okay, now.

Did I do right, Major Healey?

[WHIMPERS]

Do you know where we're headed?

Mars.

Mars! What went wrong?

I don't know, sir.

Incredible.

The yellow lever, before it's too late!

Yellow lever. Which way, Major Healey?

Starboard until I tell you to stop.

Starboard. Is starboard up or down?

Is starboard up or down?

Oh, I didn't wanna go to the moon anyway.

Major Healey, I can see the moon.

Perhaps if I blinked.

How are they doing now?

It's all right. sir. They're back on course.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Major Nelson, you come back here.

You come back here this instant.

You're supposed to be on your way to the moon.

Major, you come out of there.

A heck of a way to end your career,

trapped in a men's room.

AMANDA: Major! You're supposed to be on your way to the moon.

I knew I saw him at his house.

Now Alfred's gonna see you too.

Major Nelson, you come out of there.

Do you hear me, Major Nelson?

Oh, airman, you come right here

and you stand right there and guard that door.

And don't you let a soul out of there. You hear me?

Excuse me, ma'am, but I can't take orders from you.

Well, of course you can. I'm a colonel's wife.

Alfred! Alfred!

General, general, come quick.

I have Major Nelson trapped in the men's room.

I beg your pardon, Mrs. Bellows.

He's in the men's room.

And I think he's got Commander Wingate with him.

Amanda, please, what's the matter with you.

Commander Wingate and Major Nelson

are in Apollo 14 on their way to the moon.

That's what they want you to think,

but they're in the men's room.

And I have an airman guarding the door.

Doctor, get her out of here.

Amanda, please, calm down.

Alfred, I saw him. I s--

[♪♪♪]

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. [SNEEZES]

I'm not supposed to let anybody come out of there.

Yeah, yeah.

Say, aren't you Major Nelson?

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] You got the major part right, boy,

but Major Nelson's on his way to the moon.

Yes, sir, I know, but--

Who told you to guard this door, anyway?

Oh, uh, it was a colonel's wife, sir.

A colonel's wife. Yes, sir.

Sufferin' catfish, what's this Air Force coming to?

I'm gonna give you another order, boy.

Stand guard this door, Don't let anybody in.

You understand? Yes, sir.

[SNEEZES]

[BABBLES]

[NORMAL VOICE] How am I gonna talk to Jeannie

without three million people seeing me?

Alfred, you've got to believe me, I saw him.

Now, Amanda, why don't you go into my office and lie down.

I'll be with you just as soon as I can.

Ugh. Agh.

Major, w-would you mind coming into the next room

and showing yourself to my husband?

I can't.

You can't?

[WHISPERS] I'm not here.

You're not here?

[GIGGLES]

[BOTH GIGGLING]

Alfred, Alfred, Major Nelson--!

Everybody come! He's out here!

[SCREAMS]

He went over there. Over there, come on!

Jeannie? Jeannie? Apollo 14, Apollo 14, come in, please.

Jeannie!

Oh, yes, master. I can hear you.

But I cannot see you.

Blink me back up there, please.

Oh, but, master, I'm not sure if it would work.

Jeannie, blink me back up there, now.

Now!

Alfred. Come on, come on. He's right over here.

He's right over--

Where?

Well, he was right here.

Now, Amanda, this is going to stop.

He was right here, now he's gone.

Ridiculous.

He was here.

Oh, master, I made it.

I did it. I did it. I was successful.

Wait, wait a minute. Don't be so happy.

Get Wingate up here.

Oh, instantly, master.

Right now.

Oh. Oh.

[LAUGHING]

Healey. Healey, Nelson Listen, you won't believe

the dream I've been having.

Oh, yes, I will.

Happy landings everybody.

Thank you.

This is Nelson to Mission Control.

We're about to pass behind the moon.

That's Apollo 14 over and out.

So listen, now, at first I thought I was in a bedroom.

And there was a girl there in a harem outfit.

WINGATE: And then I thought I was in a garage.

Yeah, well, if I were you, I'd keep that dream to myself.

Oh, but--

We wouldn't want Dr. Bellows

to think you had one trip too many.

Oh, no, no, no,

it's very valuable scientific research.

No, no, no, that's liable to get you grounded.

Tony and I didn't have the dream.

Yeah, that's right.

Did you have the dream? You alone.

Amanda, I never heard of anything so ridiculous

in all my life.

Alfred, I'm telling you that I saw him.

He was-- He was wearing a gardener's uniform

and he was pushing a man in a garbage can.

And the man in the garbage can had a big globe on his head.

The man had a big globe on his head?

You know, Amanda, you are amazing.

You're a psychiatrist's wife and you don't--

Will you get rid of that?

I'll get rid of it.

You're the most gullible person.

What, darling, I can't hear you.

[♪♪♪]