Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

[SIREN BLARES]

Can I see your license, please.

What's the problem, officer?

No problem,

except you were going 30 miles an hour in a 20-mile zone.

Twenty-mile zone? We didn't see any sign.

It's right on that "Welcome to Clarkston" sign,

plain as the nose on your face.

Where is the "Welcome to Clarkston" sign?

Right behind that big oak tree.

The fine will be $25.

Wouldn't it be easier to just put up a toll gate?

Couldn't do that, son.

That wouldn't be legal.

You can just mail it in,

or you can hang around here for a week

if you want to plead not guilty.

No, thanks. No, thanks.

Any place I can get some gas around here?

Yeah, I guess old Ev's open.

Ninety-five cents a gallon for gas.

Ninety-five cents a gallon?

But he gives trading stamps.

Trading stamps?

Shut up, Roger.

Thank you, officer.

[♪♪♪]

Sorry.

Who tapped us, Thelma?

Strangers, Edgar.

We're in luck.

[GROANING]

[SCREAMS]

You maniacs!

You hot rodders!

Just look what you've done to my husband.

Lady, I barely touched the car.

What happened, Thelma?

It was them.

They just came barreling right into us.

Barreling into you?

Wait a minute, that's an out-and-out lie.

Cool it, Roge, let's get out of this burg.

Hold on, son.

I don't know how you do things in the big city,

but in Clarkston, we don't hit and run.

You're under arrest.

[♪♪♪]

Master?

Master?

[RINGS]

Major Nelson's office.

Hello, this is Dr. Bellows.

May I speak to Major Nelson, please.

Who is this?

This is--

This is Sergeant Wiggins.

Do you know where Major Nelson is, please?

That's what I want to know.

Didn't you say you were in his office?

Yes, but he is not here. Do you know where he is?

He went on a fishing trip with Major Healey,

but they should've been back yesterday.

Have him call me as soon as you hear from him.

Yes, sir.

And you have him call me as soon as you hear from him.

Sergeant...

is Major Nelson in the habit of reporting to you?

No, sir. But I would like him to be.

Peculiar.

[♪♪♪]

Officer, this is a frame-up. That man wasn't hurt.

Well, we'll let the judge decide that.

Wait a minute, I demand a writ of habeas corpus.

Cool it, Roge. You're gonna make it worse.

Don't worry, I can handle these hicks.

And furthermore,

[SPEAKING LATIN]

All right now, what's that supposed to mean?

It means all of Gaul is divided into three parts.

He took high-school Latin.

Now, you watch it, boy.

We don't cotton no foreigners around these parts.

Inside.

Not you. He was driving the car.

Wait a minute, he's my buddy. Where he goes, I go.

Suit yourself.

I thought you wanted to go where he goes.

I just did, and I hated it.

I'll probably be able to handle things out here better.

I'll call Jeannie.

I don't want Jeannie. I want some justice.

Officer, I believe I have a right

to be brought up in front of a judge.

All right, now just hold on, son.

You can't go hitting and running at 8:00 in the morning,

and expect folks to be standing around waiting on you.

Soon as Elroy gets up and gets hisself some breakfast,

why, we'll take you up before him.

Now you...

Don't you leave town.

You're a material witness.

Why don't you let me call Jeannie?

She'll get you out with a blink.

No, Jeannie will just make things worse, Roger.

I'll be out of here, like that,

as soon as I see the judge and tell him what happened.

Especially after he takes a look at that phony victim.

[GROANING]

That's impossible.

There is nothing wrong with that man.

Order in the court.

Now...

In the case of Crawford v. Nelson,

trial is set for 10 a.m. tomorrow morning.

Bail will be $100.

Court is adjourned.

You had your breakfast yet, Sam?

Yep, but I'll stop and jaw with you a bit, Elroy.

Your honor, I don't have $100. I've got $29.95.

Well, I guess you'll have to

enjoy our hospitality until tomorrow.

How about my watch, here. It must be worth at least $100.

It tells the date, the time, and the rela--

Relative humidity.

Real pretty.

About the only thing it don't tell is the time.

It must have been broken in the accident.

Roger!

Take him away, Joe.

By the way, son. You're allowed one phone call. Local.

Thank you, sir, thank you.

Who would I want to call in this town?

You could call me, I'll be at the hotel.

I'd love to hear from you.

Don't help me anymore, I don't need your help!

I don't need your help!

Wait a minute--

[♪♪♪]

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, boy.

[SLURRING] Hi, pal. I didn't-- I didn't know I had company.

Hey, do you play checkers?

Yeah, I play checkers.

I knew it.

I knew it.

Everybody plays checkers.

Doesn't anybody drink anymore?

[♪♪♪]

Hello, Dr. Bellows?

Major Healey?

Where have you and Major Nelson been?

In jail?

For a speeding ticket?

Major Healey, unlike outer space,

there are speed limits on the ground

which even astronauts are to obey.

In all my years of driving, I have never received a ticket.

And that is because I am

cautious and defensive behind the wheel.

Not one ticket, major, in over 20 years.

An insurance fraud, eh?

All right.

Tell me where you are and I'll be out there for the trial.

Clarkston?

Where is that?

Never mind, I'll find it on the map.

See you at a quarter to 10:00, sir.

Right, sir. We'll be waiting for you.

Major Healey, where is my master?

I'll be through in a minute, ma'am.

No, sir. Just a woman waiting outside looking for her master.

Yes, sir. In court. See you in court.

Yes, sir, goodbye.

What are you doing here?

Where is my master, Major Healey?

I know he is in trouble. I must know where he is.

I'll tell you anything you want, but that outfit--

This is a small town, the people can be stuffy.

In fact, I'm feeling a little stuffy myself.

I understand.

Something for a small town.

Even in that outfit Clarkston isn't ready for you.

We better get out of here.

Darling, we can't go on meeting this way.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, master, forgive me for not getting here sooner.

What are you doing here? What are you do--?

Don't tell me, I know. Bigmouth Roger.

Do not be angry with Major Healey, master.

He did not wish to tell me,

but I threatened to turn him into a toad.

If he was any kind of friend he'd be sitting on a lily pad

keeping his mouth shut.

TONY: I want you to go home. Right now, immediately.

JEANNIE: No, master, I will not go home without you.

It makes me cry to see you in a dirty old jail cell.

They'll never believe this at AA.

Jeannie...

Go home, and take everything with you.

Welcome home, master.

Well, you said everything.

Yeah, I didn't mean me.

Or him.

I hope this hallucination has a liquor cabinet.

Jeannie, you get us back in that cell right now.

But you're innocent. I know it.

Yes, I know it too, but I got to prove it in court.

Now get us back there right away.

Nothing in there but a one room apartment.

Poor man.

Jeannie!

I'm doing it. One thing at a time.

Jeannie...

For heaven's sakes, Jeannie!

Master, just because you have to be in jail for one day

does not mean you cannot be comfortable.

Yeah, quit bugging her. Just relax.

Jeannie, I want you to get everything out of here,

except him and me.

Everything, everything.

I am not appreciated.

Boy, she sure takes you at your word, doesn't she?

Jeannie, the bars.

The bars, put back the bars!

That's what this country needs, more bars.

Jeannie.

Would you let me in, please.

Sorry, pal, I already got a roommate.

Mr. Cashman, this whole thing is a fraud.

You've got to get Tony out. Tony, Tony.

This is your lawyer. He is going to get you--

Out?

Let me in, let me in.

You city fellas sure do things different, don't you?

Norman, I demand my rights.

Would you ask the sheriff

to stop putting me in here with drunks.

He's no drunk, Tommy. That would be easy.

No, he's a hit-and-run driver.

I'll be lucky to get him off with five years.

This court will come to order. Sit down.

We're going to take up the matter

of the People v. Nelson.

Is the prosecution ready?

Ready, Your Honor.

Is the defense ready?

I protest, Your Honor.

This trial was scheduled for 10:00.

Why are we starting an hour earlier?

I'm sorry about that, son, but you see,

Sam over there has to go crawdad fishing at 3.

But my lawyer and my material witness aren't here yet, sir.

Joe...

Joe!

Go get Norman out of bed.

I can't help your witness, son but don't fret about Norman.

He never was one for getting places on time.

What about Dr. Bellows? He'll never make it now.

Oh, yeah. Jeannie, come here.

Go find Dr. Bellows, speed him up.

Yes, master. At once.

No! Not that way.

Don't blink, just walk out normally.

Oh, yes, master. Anything you say.

About time, Norman.

I'm sorry, Elroy.

Mildred's got a bug

and I had to take the kids to school.

I haven't even had breakfast yet.

Hi, Sam. Morning, Norm.

Morning, Thelma

Suffering catfish, Edgar.

Is this what that city slicker did to you?

Your Honor, I object.

You can't object yet. Trial ain't even started yet.

But he's supposed to be my lawyer.

Fella's right, Norman.

ELROY: You can't go around showing partiality, you know.

Sorry, Elroy, I mean, Your Honor.

It's just that I had no idea.

Well, just go on over to your client.

Do I have to?

'Fraid so.

Disgrace.

Just disgrace.

Mr. Cashman, you're supposed to be defending me.

Relax, I'm always at my best

when I got a really hopeless case.

ELROY: Is the defense prepared?

What's your plan of action?

You'll see.

I got a couple of real slick legal maneuvers up my sleeve.

Good, good.

Watch this.

Your Honor, we plead guilty

and throw ourselves on the mercy of the court.

Now wait a minute!

That's a slick maneuver, all right.

[♪♪♪]

Now I want to be sure I understand you, young fella.

You want to dismiss Norman here?

Yes, sir. I don't feel he has my best interests at heart.

Okay, Norman, you're relieved.

You can go home and have your breakfast now.

Thanks, Elroy.

Frankly, pal, I think you did right.

I never could beat Sam, over there.

Not since I married his sister, anyway.

Well, good luck, Edgar.

Thelma.

See you home for dinner, Sam.

Mildred's making a pot roast.

Well, son, that leaves you without a lawyer.

If it please the court, I'd like to represent myself.

Yes.

Now, one more disturbance like that and I'll clear the court.

Sam, let's get on with this. Call your first witness.

[WEEPING]

What about Dr. Bellows?

He is coming, Master.

I did just what you said.

Good, good.

What'd I say?

You asked Jeannie to speed him up.

And that is exactly what I did.

Okay, now, Thelma, you tell us what you saw in your own words.

I'll try, Sam.

Just take your time, Thelma.

Thank you, Elroy.

That man there...

Call me Tony.

Sorry, Elroy. Excuse me, Sam. Go on, Thelma.

You making fun in my court, son?

No, Your Honor, I just felt left out.

You go on with your testifying, Thelma.

Well, Edgar and I were sitting in the front seat of the car...

[BLUBBERING]

I see, yes.

If he sees, I'm going blind.

[♪♪♪]

Okay now, Burt, you-- You tell us what you saw.

I seen exactly what Thelma did.

There you are, Elroy, a corroborating witness.

No further questions.

TONY: Well, I have some.

What exactly did you see?

Like I said, I seen what Thelma seen.

I didn't understand one word of what Thelma saw.

You better start paying attention, son.

You're on trial here, you know.

Your honor, I insist--

Look, I gotta go, Elroy.

Ain't nobody watching the highway.

You're excused, Burt.

Is that bad?

Ha!

[♪♪♪]

[HORN HONKS]

Now, Major Healey...

we drove into the gasoline station...

We drove into this gasoline station...

And there was already a car there.

And there was another car already there.

Major Healey, would you wait until I phrase my question?

I will wait until you phrase the question.

Thank you.

Would you say

I struck his car very hard with my car?

I'm sorry, I don't understand that.

Would you say that I struck his car very hard with my car?

You struck his car very hard with your car.

How hard did we strike his car?

We hit it?

He was driving.

All right.

How hard would you say I struck his car?

Oh, oh... Just barely.

Good, good, now we're getting somewhere.

Then that poor devil over there

starts screaming and crying and yelling,

and then you said, "Let's get out of this burg."

Your Honor, I object.

You can't object. He's your own witness.

I'm beginning to wonder.

If it please the court, may I treat Major Healy

as a hostile witness?

Go right ahead, son.

Thank you, Your Honor. No further questions.

You idiot!

Excuse me, if you'll excuse me, sir.

How was I?

Where is Dr. Bellows?

I do not know, master. Shall I--

No, no.

Your Honor, may I request a recess

until my medical witness arrives.

Request denied.

In that case, Your Honor,

I'll have to change my plea to guilty.

There's only one person in this courtroom

who could prove my innocence, and it's that man.

TONY: And he seems very conveniently prevented from testifying.

[MAGIC BOINGS]

[♪♪♪]

Edgar! Oh, honey!

Edgar...

Are you all right? Did you break anything?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

[LAUGHING]

Your Honor, the defense rests.

Elroy, I swear I knew nothing

about this sneaky little business here,

and I intend to bring charges

against Edgar here for attempted fraud.

Oh, knock it off, Sam. We can't win them all.

Case dismissed.

You just couldn't wait, could you?

You just had to be a wheelchair hot rodder...

Something tells me he's really gonna need that wheelchair

when she gets through with him.

It's really gonna be great to breathe free air again.

Free? I still have to pay my hotel bill.

Let us go home, master.

I have prepared a great victory celebration.

No, no, Jeannie. No celebrations.

I've had enough--

Major Nelson.

I don't know how to explain to you what happened.

I was driving along when all of a sudden

the car went berserk.

Sure it did, colonel.

That car just up and took off by itself.

But that's exactly what happened.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]