Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

Tony? Tony?

Tony, I just met your identical twin.

He's not a twin, Roger.

He's an intelligence agent made up to look like me.

Well, he's sure doing a good job.

He's even got Dr. Bellows fooled.

Roger, Dr. Bellows is the one who assigned him.

They think there's a security leak at NASA

and they wanted me to finish my work on

the capsule modification in secure surroundings.

Well, why the double? Why didn't they just send you away?

Because they don't know who the security leak is

and they don't want whoever it is to know that I'm gone.

So for the past six weeks

they've had this guy learning

everything about me there is to know.

Whew. Boy, that's a relief. And I was worried

they'd find out about Jeannie.

Roger, he doesn't know about Jeannie.

Yeah, well, he will in about five minutes.

He's on his way to your house, to Jeannie.

Well, what are you standing around for? Stop him.

Good idea. Tell me where you are. Jeannie will rescue you.

Well, I don't know where I am.

Nobody knows where I am.

Yeah, yeah, right. I'll go and ask Dr. Bellows.

Roger, I told you, nobody knows.

How can you ask when you're not supposed to know I'm gone?

Wait a minute. Dr. Bellows know that I don't know?

Oh, if Dr. Bellows doesn't know that I don't know

then it doesn't matter if I ask him.

While you're standing there, talking nonsense

Dr. Bellows is on his way to my place, he's gonna find Jeannie.

Now, please stop him.

Yeah, stop him. Right, right, yeah.

Oh, I forgot, congratulations.

Your double proposed to Jeannie.

You're getting married.

[♪♪♪]

Pomford, I want you to know

that I was against substituting you

for Major Nelson from the start.

But if you really can show me any proof

of any funny business going on at Nelson's--

Proof positive, sir.

She wears a funny little outfit

like she came out of an Arabian harem.

An Arabian harem? Yes.

She blinks her eyes and things pop in and out.

Vacuum cleaners, baked Alaskans, chickens.

I'll prove it to you, sir, or my name isn't Rodney Pomford.

Just a moment, sir.

I just had a thought.

If Nelson has been keeping this girl secret all this time

perhaps she won't perform for you.

Very shrewd, major. Very shrewd.

That's been my problem.

When I've tried to show General Peterson

the strange things I've seen, nothing happens.

Mm. You wait here. I'll go inside and tell her

that I've let you in on the secret

and she can do her thing.

I can hardly wait, major.

I'm finally going to catch Major Nelson.

Right there, sir. This shouldn't take too long.

Jeannie?

Jeannie?

Oh, I was over there, and I'm here--

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN DIALECT]

Right. What's he saying?

He says you must kneel, master. It is the custom.

Oh, well, I wonder if you would mind if we'd be alone--

Jeannie and I could be alone?

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN DIALECT]

What's he saying?

He is marrying us, master.

Oh, I am so excited.

M-marrying us? Well, he can't.

Oh. Oh!

You did get the marriage license, did you not?

M-marriage license? Well, yeah, that's right.

You can't-- You can't marry us, sir.

[SHOUTS]

In this country it takes three days

for a marriage license to come through

and I just registered today.

So if you could arrange to come back next week.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN DIALECT]

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN DIALECT]

What's happening? What's he saying?

He is going, master. Wait. Wait.

I have somebody I want you to meet.

[COUGHS]

Ah, nuts!

Oh, it is all right, master.

I have waited all these years. I can wait three more days.

Jeannie, in honor of our marriage,

I've decided to tell Dr. Bellows everything.

Oh, master, that is wonderful.

Oh, now I know it is really going to happen.

Yeah. You stay right here,

and I'll bring him in to meet you

and you can do all your tricks for him.

I would be most happy to, master. Good.

I have always liked Dr. Bellows.

Yeah. Good.

Oh, and you can put on your harem outfit.

You know, the one you usually wear.

Oh, instantly, master.

Oh.

Psst. Psst. Jeannie.

Oh, Major Healey, the most wonderful thing.

In three days, my master and I are getting married.

He has announced our engagement to Dr. Bellows,

and I am so happy.

That's not Tony.

Oh, you are right, Major Healey.

He has certainly changed.

No. I mean that's not Tony.

It's an imposter, a fake, a phony.

Oh, that is impossible, Major Healey.

He looks like himself.

No, no, that's just makeup.

It's a trick. He's trying to expose you.

I do not believe you.

POMFORD: Jeannie?

Hm. I shall soon find out if he is my master or not.

No, no, no, you can't do that. He's with Dr. Bellows.

Major Healey, let me go.

No, you're gonna spoil the whole thing.

I can't let you go.

I guess I can.

Jeannie, I want you to meet Dr. Bellows.

Oh, hello, Dr. Bellows.

Major Healey. What are you doing here?

Uh, we're having lunch.

Tony and I always have lunch on Tuesdays. Right?

Lunch on Tuesdays?

Oh yes, Roger, it just slipped my mind.

Uh, where's Jeannie?

That's what I was wondering.

Major Healey, what's the matter?

Oh, what's the matter? Well, I keep my--

Wanna keep my coffee warm.

I will give you one chance to prove he is not my master.

I've told Dr. Bellows all about Jeannie.

ROGER: Oh, well, that's-- That's nice. That's very nice.

Nice girl. Nice. Very good find.

Uh, where did you find Jeannie? You never told me.

Oh, I told you that story a hundred times, Roge.

No, you haven't, not once.

Yes, I have. You haven't.

Yes, I have.

Well, I was walking in a park one day

and I heard a noise, and I look over

and there was Jeannie sitting on a bench.

Major Healey, what's the--? Why are you shaking?

Oh, it's hot. Cold. Hot.

Cold, warm, hot.

See, Jeannie, he's an imposter.

Ugh. You are right. He is not my master.

Oh, how shall I punish him?

Shall I give him the death of a thousand itches?

Scratches. Itches are much worse.

Yeah.

Or shall I cause him to be hung by his toenails,

and lowered inch by inch into a basket of cobras?

Oh! You can't do any of those. We've got to keep Dr. Bellows

and what's-his-name from finding out about you until Tony's back.

Well, how can we get him back, if we do not know where he is?

Yeah, that's a problem.

Jeannie, come on out.

Dr. Bellows wants to meet you.

She doesn't like anyone in the kitchen, sir.

Out of my way, Major Healey.

I've waited a long time to meet this Jeannie.

Did you wipe your feet before you came in?

I don't want anybody tracking mud all over my clean floor.

That's Jeannie?

Jeannie, would you cut it out?

Dr. Bellows knows all about you.

Well, that don't mean he can come in here and barge in

and put mud all over my clean carpets.

And that goes for you too.

Uh, Major Nelson, um, I'd like to have a few words with you.

Jeannie, who am I?

[GIGGLES]

Are you kidding?

[GIGGLES]

You're Major Anthony Nelson.

You pay me two lousy bucks an hour

to cook and keep house for you,

not to stand here and answer dumb questions.

I've seen enough.

Would you get a grip on yourself?

Ah.

An itch, an itch. Scratch, scratch.

[LAUGHS]

What are you trying to do, blow the whole thing?

Oh, I'm sorry, Major Healey.

I lost my temper.

What's made you itch?

I don't know. I don't know.

Are you all right?

Yes, sir, I'm fine now.

I don't know how that happened.

You see? You see? You see?

She blinked, and it-- She gave me an itch.

Major, I think you'd better come along with me.

Oh, uh, Dr. Bellows, there's one thing

I've been meaning to tell you.

Uh, Tony's been acting kind of strange lately.

It's probably the new project's strain on him.

I think we should have him go

in the hospital for a couple days.

Major, perhaps you're right.

I think a few days of rest is indicated.

Uh, you're confined to this house until further notice.

Here? Here in this house?

Oh, no, the hospital would be better.

That won't be necessary.

I think a few days of looking reality in the face

is all the rest Major Nelson needs. Bye.

Wait, Dr. Bellows.

Dr. Bellows, you're making a big mistake, sir, I tell--

[GIGGLES]

You see, she did it again. She tripped. I-I-I--

She blinked, and I tripped. That's what happened.

Will you come to your senses before Major Healey and that--

That housekeeper realize

that you're not the real Major Nelson?

Goodbye.

Wait, wait, wait.

Major Healey, what are we going to do with this--?

This stranger.

Could you put him out of action a couple of minutes,

so we can talk?

Certainly. It will be a pleasure.

Oh, that's good. Good.

Now, Major Healey, what have you done with my master?

I'll tell you as soon as you finish your housework.

Will you get out of that outfit?

Oh, certainly.

If they have taken my master and you are keeping it from me--

I'm keeping it from you?

I don't even know where he is.

Dr. Bellows and Tony doesn't know where he is.

Boy, you've got to do something,

or that phony's gonna convince Dr. Bellows

that he's not seeing things.

MAN [OVER SPEAKER]: Calling Agent X-12.

Calling Agent X-12. Come in X-12.

X-12, do you read me? Calling Agent X-12.

This is Agent X-12. Agent X-12 reporting.

The situation at Nelson's house is confusing.

But I have not blown my cover.

Dr. Bellows has no idea that I'm a double agent.

I am still trying to find the whereabouts of Major Nelson.

POMFORD: I've got to be careful to stay out of her way.

Looking for something?

No. No. I--

I'm just taking a little exercises.

Getting the kinks out.

I'm kind of stiff from being in bed.

Yes, you look a little stiff.

I-- I can't move.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Poor Major...Nelson.

All right, would you help me to the bedroom, please?

Oh, I am not paid to be a nurse, master.

Well, then in that case I'll have to call Dr. Bellows.

Oh, well, that's better.

Look, Jeannie, I've been thinking.

You haven't had a vacation in quite a long time.

Why don't you take all of next week off, huh? With pay.

Oh, I could not do that, master.

You are not strong enough to do without me.

Oh, no. No, I'm fine, thank you.

Besides a little weakness in the knees.

[CHUCKLES]

See what I mean?

Could you help me into the bedroom, please?

Oh, no, I'm going to stay right here.

No, you're not gonna go?

No. No?

Well, in that case,

I have to go to the bedroom myself.

No. No. Not in there.

I have not finished cleaning in there.

I gotta lie down.

You can lie down upstairs.

No, I don't wanna lie down--

I will make you comfortable.

Please, I don't--

Ah!

Whew. Well...

now I can search for my master in peace.

Oh!

Huh?

Oh.

It's not happening.

It's not happening.

It's all a bad dream.

[GASPS]

It's all a bad dream.

[SCREAMS]

There you go, major, as good as new.

Sorry about this,

but that place is still operational.

It's all right. Orders are orders.

The important thing is I finished the project.

Don't forget to check in immediately

with Dr. Bellows, sir.

Right. Right.

[BUSY SIGNAL]

Major Nelson?

Oh, hello, Dr. Bellows, I was just on my way to see you.

Major, what are you doing here?

You're under orders to stay home.

Oh, I'm not that Major Nelson.

I know that.

No, I mean, I am Major Nelson.

Well, of course you are.

And I'm very happy to see that you're looking better.

Get back to Major Nelson's house immediately.

But sir, I finished the program, and I gotta get--

Are you trying to jeopardize this entire project?

No, sir. Then go home.

That's an order.

Hi.

Nice talking to you.

[WHISTLING]

Hey. [CRASH]

I'm sorry. Must have slipped.

Well, I guess it's no use trying to get out.

Shh.

MAN: Good morning, NASA.

Let me speak to Dr. Bellows, please.

Jeannie?

Jeannie?

Well, enough is enough.

Jeannie?

Oh. I wish my master would come back.

I do not think I can control myself much longer with this--

This imposter.

Oh.

Dr. Bellows, you've got to get me out of here.

I can't take it anymore.

What are you talking about?

You were here at NASA a half-hour ago

and against my orders.

I haven't been outta here in a week.

You gotta get me outta here.

I think I'm going crackers.

Stay put. I'll be right there.

Secret project all here.

It's all here.

That's it?

Jeannie, will you please open the door?

It's Nelson. The idiot is back.

Come on, Jeannie, let me out, huh?

[ANGRILY] Ooh!

Jeannie! Will you let me out?

Will you stop that yelling?

You are giving me a headache.

Jeannie, is that you?

Well, of course it is me.

Who do you think it is, Tiny Tim?

What's the matter with you? This is Tony.

Would you please open the door?

I can't stand it when he says my master's name.

Jeannie.

What is it?

Don't you touch me.

I'm sorry.

Ah!

What is this all about? I'm your master.

What's the matter with you?

I cannot stand it when you--

How dare you try to impersonate my beautiful, wonderful master?

I am your beautiful, wonderful master.

[CRASH]

Bye-bye, loony bin.

Jeannie, please.

I got an order. I got an order.

Stop this itching.

Only my master can give me orders.

I am your master, and I can prove it

if you'd just stop the itching.

All right. All right. I will give you one chance.

Where did you find me?

I found you--

Where did I find you? On a island.

On an island in the middle of the Pacific

in a bottle, and I'm sorry I ever saw that island.

Oh, master, it is you. It is you!

I'm so happy!

Will you stop hugging me and stop the itching?

Oh, yes, master. Immediately. Immediately.

Right now. Now do it!

I cannot believe it is you.

Thank you.

Jeannie...

where's my double?

Well, I do not know. I thought he was here.

Well, I gotta go and tell him the masquerade is over.

You will not like him. Huh?

He's trying to steal the attaché case.

What shall I do, master? Shall I smite him?

You bet your life you're gonna smite him.

I just gotta figure out how.

Oh.

Well, major, I'd like to know

what you were doing at NASA an hour ago

when you had explicit orders to remain here.

Yeah, Tony. Let me--

Let me hear you explain that.

Well, I just got back, sir.

I finished the project. See?

You're the real Tony? Yeah.

Oh, am I glad to see you. Oh, boy.

You're the real Major Nelson?

TONY: Wait a minute, buddy.

Good afternoon, Dr. Bellows. Roger.

I'm the real Major Nelson.

And that man is a spy.

A spy?

You know, Major Healey, I--

I can't tell which is which.

HEALEY: Oh, no doubt about it, sir.

We've been buddies a long time. This is him.

It's him, all right.

Roger.

Are you certain?

Am I certain? I knew this man was an imposter

from the first time I saw him. Right?

No.

All right, grab him.

Wait a minute, wait a minute! Wait a minute.

All right, get him up now.

Hey, Tony, I didn't know you had false teeth.

Oh, Roger, I don't wear false teeth.

I don't wear false teeth.

[LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]