Original subtitles

[Man on radio] Four-one-niner.

Car four-one-niner, come back to me.

Four-one-niner.

Four-one-niner, what is your location?

Four-one-niner, this is Dispatch.

Come back to me.

Come back to me, four-one-niner.

Come on.

Four-one-niner, are you there?

[Woman panting]

[whispering] Oh, yeah.

[panting continues]

Four-one-niner, what is your position?

[kissing][moaning]

[Woman moaning]

[laughing]

Ohh, ha ha ha.

[moaning]

[panting]

[groans]

[moans]

[moaning]

[Man on radio] So it was a breaking and entering, right?

[Policeman in car] Yeah, a rear entry.

Rear entry, huh? [chuckles]

You have any problems gettin' in?

No, sir.

It was wide open, just like you said.

Okay, keep your eyes open out there.

We got a job to do.

Yes, sir.

[Announcer on TV] And turning to local news,

no further developments

in the Hollywood Hills murder case

of Los Angeles socialite Patty Neubauer.

Her body was found early this morning...

José, agua para la mesa quatro, por favor.

Gracias.

Where's my tiramisu?

I'm making a fresh batch.

I don't want the fresh ones. I want the old ones.

I'm late. I gotta get outta here.

Okay, okay.

Hey. Hey.

Listen.

There's a big favor I wanna ask you.

Later. I gotta get over to Burbank.

I'm late.

What is it this time? A soap.

I think I really have a shot at this one.

[Man] Oh, Miss? Yeah.

I'll be there in a minute.

And I've been wanting to tell you this...

Excuse me....for a long time.

Thanks.

I can take it now if you like.

You know those people that I house-sit for?

I can't. I have plans of my own this weekend.

Really? When did this happen?

Not that. Gonna see my mom.

I promised I'd drive down to see her.

I haven't seen her for months.

You'd change your mind when you saw this place.

It's like dying and going to heaven.

I'm sorry. I can't. I have to talk to you later.

It'd be like a vacation!

You don't have to do anything.

Just lay by the pool and water the flowers.

Later.

Hi. Alex Weaver.

[clears throat]

Tina. Days of Love.

You missed your 3:00.

I know, and I have to get back to work at 4.

I was wondering if you could squeeze me in...

You're going to have to wait.

I am...

I am an actress.

I'm a flat-chested, well-paid actress.

I'm a small-chested, well-paid, working actress.

I am an actress. I am an actress.

I am an actress.

I am an actress. I am not a waitress.

I am an actress!

Hah!

[exhales]

Ha-a-a-ah.

[whispering] I'm an actress.

The worst possible thing in the world has happened.

I think I've lost Cord forever.

Sometimes things seem worse than they really are.

I tried to end it. I've tried so many times,

but you know what he's like.

He just gets what he wants.

You mean Cord?

No. Johnny.

I was having this terrible dream about him,

and Cord, he woke me up.

He wanted to know what was wrong.

So I decided to...

tell him everything.

Tina, I'm so proud of you for telling the truth.

The truth, it just means so much to Cord.

And you know how he is.

So...

I told him I slept with Johnny.

And that's why I have to find Cord.

You see, he doesn't know why I was with Johnny.

He might think we were lovers.

That was very nice. Thank you.

Yes. Thank you.

Okay. Thank you.

I'm sorry. I just have to do this.

If they weren't lovers,

what was she sleeping with him for?

They want it sexier.

They always want it something.

What do you think they mean by that, exactly?

Do they want to see more skin?

Or is it like an attitude thing?

Knowing you, probably both.

Callback's on Monday.

Did I tell you that part already?

I need major peace and quiet

to work on this.

You promise me, this house of yours...

No interruptions, nothing? It's quiet?

It's made-to-order. It's up in the Hills.

You need a telescope to see the neighbors.

And all you gotta do is watch the roses.

Roses? Yeah.

Scusa. There's a really...

Are you two working here or what?

Maybe now, but not much longer.

[Alex] Johnny, please.

Johnny, Johnny, please.

Johnny, please, Cord...

Johnny, please. Cord had nothing to do with this.

Johnny, please.

Cord had nothing to do with this.

[brakes squeaking]

[doorbell chimes]

Hi. I'm the house-sitter.

I'm Susie's replacement?

You come in, please.

Wait here, please.

[sniffs] Mmm.

[footsteps approaching]

[clears throat]

[sigh]

You're late.

I said that we had to leave by 3.

I'm sorry. The traffic was really...

I am not going to have time to show you everything now,

but, uh, you look like a sensible girl.

Feel free to, uh, graze the fridge,

use the pool, whatever.

But no visitors.

Is that clear? Yes.

We expect you to treat our home

with the same respect as we do.

I will.

[mouths word]

And what did you say your name was?

I didn't. It's Alex, Alex Weaver.

Alice.

Susie tells us you work with her at La Mezza Verde.

It's Alex, and, yeah, I'm there between jobs.

Actually, I'm an actress.

Isn't that interesting?

If you should need to reach us,

the number's on the wall beside the phone.

We will be out on the boat.

You can try us on the ship-to-shore.

Now, you'll need to speak with Ronald.

And please tell him to hurry.

Uh, Mrs. Rankin.

Yes?

Your husband,

where is he?

Where he always is. In the greenhouse.

Well, Alex, isn't it? Mm-hmm.

Well, Alex, all you have to do this weekend

is make sure that my...

babies here remain...

safe and secure...

from an increasingly...

vicious...

well, unpredictable world.

You like roses.

A dozen long stems, it does the trick every time.

The flowers of romance.Hmm.

Look at this. Hmm?

Lapidae oleorosa, from Madagascar.

May I? Oh, go ahead.

Kama Sutra says it's the flower

that looks most like the open lips of the vagina.

Uh, what do you think?

Uh, well, I don't know...

You've probably seen more of them than I have.

Ronald, we have to go.

Sondra, I was just telling Alex here about my roses.

And, as you can see,

we have yet another panel downstairs.

You arm the system

by pressing this button here.Okay.

And then you use the code to turn it off.Okay.

May I suggest that you keep the system on at all times,

what with the unpleasantness next door.

Yes, I saw that.

What were the police doing over there?

You... You don't know? Susie didn't tell you?

No.[footsteps approaching]

[Sondra] Ronald?

I'll wait in the car. Excuse me.

My wife doesn't want to be around this weekend

because of... the murder next door.

The one that's been on the news?

That was next door?

And my wife and... and Patty were good friends.

You can understand she was very upset.

Look, I'm sorry you didn't know, but...

this is probably the safest spot in L.A. right now.

You mean, like, lightning can't strike twice.

Yes, that's it.

I can understand you're uncomfortable,

so I'll throw in an extra hundred

over what we gave Susie.

That'll help, I guess.

And the roses... [horn honks]

You visit them. They get lonely without company.

Okay, I will.

[engine starts]

[police radio chatter]

[vehicle approaching]

[car stereo blasting]

Don't you make a mess for me, hmm?

♪♪ [Man singing in Spanish]

[buzzing]

[birds chirping]

Aah!

Oh, my...

[panting]

No! My bag!

Shit!

Oh, no, sir.

I don't think so.

Well, maybe this once.

Whee!

I'm not the woman you think I am.

Give me a chance. I can prove it to you.

Hmm.

You see,

I'm not the woman you think I am.

Let me prove it to you, Cord.

Let me... [doorbell chimes]

[doorbell chimes]

Yes, may I help you? Yeah, I hope so.

You're on my schedule for, uh,

termite maintenance.

Oh, uh, they didn't say anything to me about...

Your name's right here on the order, Mrs. Rankin.

No, I'm not...

Your husband must have phoned it in.

It's his name on the order.

My husband? Yeah.

Uh, your husband.

I mean, you are Mrs. Ronald Rankin, right?

Yes, of course I am.

Please, come in. Who did you think I was?

The maid?

Not dressed like that.

Nobody down here while I do this, okay?

Susie tells us you work with her at Mezza Verde.

No, I don't think so.

I've been wounded enough by the petty jealousies

and small minds of this town.

I just can't help myself.

I let you have this hook in me,

and no matter how hard I try to stay away,

you tug and I jump.

Oh, wow. [laughs]

You really scared me.

You're finished already?

I mean, you're done so soon?

There's no termites down there.

What?

You're on schedule for termite maintenance.

You got termites somewhere else?

Not that I know of.

Is your husband home?

No, my husband isn't home.

Perhaps you should come back when we have a better idea

of exactly where the problem is.

I'm sorry. I can't do that. And why not?

The guarantee.

We never give up.

I mean, that's the, uh, company motto.

Look, uh, Jerry...

Jerry? [chuckling]

I look like a Jerry to you?

I'm sorry?

My name is Mickey.

I borrowed this from one of the guys.

All my stuff's in the laundry.

Look, Jerry. Mickey. Mickey.

Your dedication to your work is admirable,

but I am afraid you're gonna have to come back

at another time when my husband is home.

What's that back there?

Oh, that leads to the greenhouse.

Hmm. Now we're getting warm.

No. Oh, uh... No, Mr. Rankin would kill me

if he knew you were spraying back there. He would, huh?

I mean, my husband is very particular about his roses.

In fact, he's obsessed with them.

Besides, I thought termites like wood, not glass.

Have you seen what you need to see?

So does he do this all by himself?

What?

Does he have a gardener

helping him or something?

I don't know. I mean no.

I don't think so.

I don't pay much attention.

I guess...

you don't like flowers, Mrs. Rankin?

I think you'd better leave now.

When my husband gets home,

he's gonna be very annoyed when he finds out...

Just when exactly is your husband coming home?

If you don't leave right now,

I'm going to have to... You're gonna what?

You gonna call my boss, tell him about me?

Yes, that is exactly what...

You could do that if you want to, Mrs. Rankin,

but it really wouldn't matter

because, you see,

I don't work for them.

Who are you?

You know, sometimes I ask myself that same question.

I say, "Mick...

who the fuck do you think you are?"

But does anybody really know who they are?

How about you? You know who you are?

You know that the police are right over there?

Gee, I don't think so.

They were packing up and moving out

when I drove by.

Well, you know, I'm not kidding.

I really do have people coming over any minute.

I don't think so.

I don't think anyone's coming over.

I think it's just you and me.

So why don't we stop playing games

and get down to it?

What do you think?

What's this? What do you wanna do, kill me?

Don't... Don't come any closer.

Can't you come up with anything better than that?

[gasps]

Help!

Wow.

You know, people can kill themselves

pulling stunts like that.

What are you gonna do to me?

Well, I don't know.

That depends upon you, doesn't it?

Where's your husband?

He's... He's not my husband.

You really don't want to make this very easy on yourself, do you?

You know, lying to me

isn't gonna get you out of it.

No, I'm not lying. I'm telling the truth.

My name is Alex Weaver, and I'm house-sitting for the Rankins.

I'm...

I'm the house-sitter.

Yeah, right.

Ahem.

You're the house-sitter.

Okay.

What does that make me? The butler?

Maybe the gardener?

No, I... How about the chauffeur?

Yeah, I'm the chauffeur.

If you don't believe me, you can check my bag.

Now, what bag is that?

Oh.

You can't check my bag.

The Rankins, they took it with them.

I have... I swear to you,

I have no reason for making something like this up.

I can think of a couple.

I told you before.

Don't fuck with me.

We're gonna do this again.

Where's your husband,

and when's he coming back?

I don't know what to say.[imitates buzzer]

Okay. Wrong answer.

Okay, he's gone away for the weekend.

He's spending the weekend on his boat.

Why didn't you go?

I... I don't like the boat.

[sniffles] [whimpers]

You're not lying to me, are ya?

No.

Turn around.

That's your name.

Now, why is a guy

gonna go naming his boat

after his landlubber wife who never even goes on it?

Now, where is he?

I swear to you he's on his boat,

and he's on his boat with his wife.

Here we go with the wife again.

Really, I'm telling you the truth. I'm not her.

You answer the door.

You're dressed like her. You say you're her.

Now, that makes you her.

[gasping]

Why you all dressed up like that?

Please. I need to go to the bathroom.

Gee, I don't know.

What have you done for me lately?

Please, I need to pee.

You want me to go on the floor?

It ain't my carpet.

All right, you gotta go, you gotta go.

Come on.

Show me where it is, all right?

[water running]

What the hell is taking so long?

[coughing] Ah-choo!

Aah!

Hey. Get over here. Help! Help!

No! No!

Relax.

No! Quit it!

Try to be nice to you, and look what it gets me.

[gasping]

Who the fuck are you?

I told you. My name is Alex Witowski...

Alex Weaver. I'm an actress.

I changed my name when I came to L.A.

I'm just house-sitting for them.

You a friend of theirs?

No. I don't even... I don't know them.

Shit.

I don't believe this.

My girlfriend Susie usually house-sits for them,

and she was busy, so she asked me.

Yeah, okay, enough.

Let me get this straight.

You're the house-sitter.

Yes.

Yeah, well, you fucked up.

[frame shatters]

You're playin' games with the wrong guy.

No, it wasn't a game. I was rehearsing.

I'm an actress.

My script... on the bed there.

See, I was rehearsing this scene.

I have this audition on Monday

for the soap opera Days of Love.

I don't know if you've ever seen it.

It's not really that important.

Anyway, this Mrs. Rankin,

she's sorta like the woman I'm playing,

and I thought I would try to be like her.

But I'm not her. I'm nothing like her...

Right.

I can't do this.

You're an actress, so act.

I don't know what to say.

Tell 'em you got an emergency phone call from a relative

and you have to leave right away.

Which relative?

I don't care which relative. That doesn't matter, okay?

And you'd better sound convincing, Miss Actress.

I'll tell 'em my mother got diagnosed with narcolepsy.

What is that? Narcolepsy.

It's a rare disease of the nervous system.

I always fantasized I was dying of it when...

Hey, hey, that's enough.

You tell 'em your father had a heart attack

and you gotta leave right now!

[phone beeping]

Okay, you're on.

[line ringing]

[recording] Unit not within range.

Please place your call at a later time.

It's a recording.

Please place your call at a later time.

Unit not within range. [beeps]

"Unit not within range." What does that mean?

They were sailing over to Catalina. Maybe...

I guess their boat's just too far offshore or something.

Looks like it's gonna be a long fucking weekend.

[door opens]

Caviar.

I never had this before.

You won't like it.

Look, I have the chance of a lifetime on Monday: a callback.

It's a break I've been waiting a long time for,

and this whole thing is just totally screwing it up.

No, you screwed it up.

Ahem.

So you're an actress, right?

Have I ever seen you in anything?

I wouldn't know.

I'll put it another way.

Have you ever been in anything?

I've been in lots of things.

I'll bet you're probably a waitress or something.

I am an actress!

Okay?

Okay.

Could you just look at it from my point of view?

You're keeping me here against my will.

Isn't that like... kidnapping or something?

You ain't kidnapped. You were already here.

Well, then, I'm a hostage.

No, you're not a hostage, either.

What you are is my prisoner.

And you're lucky I take prisoners.

Look, you play ball with me,

then I get to do my thing and you get to do yours.

And what is your thing?

Nothing you need to know about.

If I'm in some kind of danger,

I have a right to know why.

You have no fucking idea what danger is.

You're not even close to it.

You keep on playing games with me,

I can be very accommodating in that department.

Why me? I mean, just why...

Just tell me, why this weekend?

[crying]

[whimpering]

Maybe I should just shoot you

and go out to the movies and come back on Monday.

All right. All right.

[laughing]

[sigh]

Do you think...

Could I just put something else on?

Sure. Long as Sondra Rankin doesn't mind you...

dipping into her wardrobe again.

Well, I can't do anything bound to this chair.

Turn around.

Now, this is danger.

Ooh.

How did I know you were gonna do that, huh?

You know, you're really not that bad.

Don't you dare.

Hey, is that the kind of guy you think I am?

Think that's the only way I can get it, huh?

Yeah. That's what I think.

Yeah? Well, you don't know shit.

Come on. Where are we going?

To bed.

[sigh]

[shower running]

[shower stops]

You want to take a shower?

[shower running]

Oh, my God!

You said you needed a change of clothes. Here it is.

What?

You know, I've been thinking.

There's no pets here,

and they have an alarm system,

so what do they need a house-sitter for?

Come on.

Okay, what did he tell you to do?

He told me to visit them.

Make sure they don't get lonely.

Is that supposed to be funny?

Hey, that's what the guy said.

The man has some unnatural thing about roses.

What are you so interested for anyway?

[Man outside] Hello?

[gun cocking]

Who the fuck is that?

I don't know. I don't live here, remember?

Get rid of him.

[knocking] Hello!

Mrs. Rankin?

Uh, yes?

I'm Will. I'm Will Striker.

I'm your... I'm your new neighbor.

I thought I'd come over and introduce myself.

Could we talk?

It would just take one moment.

Uh, why don't you come around to the back door?

That was real fucking smart.

Hey. Hey.

No funny stuff, you hear me?

You want him to see this?

Hi. I'm sorry to disturb you.

I just moved into the Dunbar place across the street.

Welcome to the neighborhood, um...

Willie. Everybody calls me Willie.

Willie. And, um, I'm hoping

you might be able to do me a small favor.

I've invited some people over for a little housewarming.

In my haste at the market, I forgot one crucial beverage for the punch.

Calvados.

Calvados?

Yes, and you would be a lifesaver.

Actually, I'm in the middle of something right now.

Could you just take a look?

Um...

Because there's always that... one bottle, you know,

hiding way in the back behind the others.

I'm sure we don't have any,

but why don't you come in and have a look around?

Thanks.

You really frightened me.

How do you do? My name is Will.

Just call me Willie.

Um, Willie, I'd like you to meet...

my brother...

Mickey.

I'm glad to meet you, Mickey.

Right.

Oh, my. [chuckling]

What happened here?

[chuckles]

Ahem.

[cabinet opening]

Have you and Mr. Rankin lived here very long?

I'm sorry. Do you mind my asking?

Oh, uh...

About four years,

give or take a few months.Oh.

Isn't that right, sis?

That's right.

Is that what you were looking for?

Yes.

Well, I and my guests will be eternally indebted.

Now, perhaps, uh, you and Mr. Rankin...

no, the three of you, could join us.

Uh, no can do, Willie.

Ronnie's not gonna come back for a couple of days,

and me and my sis here,

we haven't seen each other in a long time,

and we got a lot of catching up to do.

You know...

But, uh, I appreciate you coming by.

Maybe some other time. All right.

Now, listen, if you change your minds,

I have enough food for a small regiment.

Afraid not, Willie.

Well, I do hope we'll be seeing a lot more of each other.

Yeah.Bye-bye.

Bye.

Boy, you think you're real cute, don't you?

[Mickey chuckling]

What did you think you were gonna do?

Slip him a little note?

You're really paranoid.

[alarm beeping]

You better get outta here. The police are gonna be here in a minute!

What do you think I was doing down in the basement?

Spraying for bugs?

Damn!

The phone works, though.

You can use the phone.

What's the matter?

You don't feel like it?

I got a call for you to make.

Rankin. You know the drill.

It's that message again.

Sh...

[glass breaking]

Hey, looking for me?

[groaning]

You know what?

I like you.

You got guts.

But you're not very smart.

I told you to play ball with me.

Let me go.

Hey, you're not gonna tell me that...

you didn't like that.

Oh, yeah, I loved it. Can't you tell?

I am just crazy about you.

That's okay. You can make a joke if you want.

But I'm gonna tell you the truth,

and you're gonna listen.

I been thinking a lot about you lately.

And it wouldn't really matter what you did because...

in my book,

you're a very special woman.

You just opened up things inside of me.

When I'm around you, I...

start thinking all these crazy thoughts.

Thoughts I don't even want to mention.

You do?

Yeah.

Wait a second.

Have you just been reading from my script?

Yeah. Jesus!

Wasn't that bad, was it?

You're the one marked Tina, right?

What is she, some kind of... slut?

She's sleeping with two guys.

What, that offends your sense of morality?

Ahem. Well, actually...

it turns me on. I'm sorry.

I should have realized she's your kind of woman.

What's that supposed to mean? You don't like her?

I like her.

So which one does she wind up with?

I don't know.

Which one would you like her to wind up with?

I don't know.

I would say Johnny, definitely.

Cord, he's a real stiff.

What, you mean because he treats Tina with care and affection?

Because he loves her and he's not afraid to say it?

Or because he holds a regular job

and he's not some thief like Johnny?

No, it's because he's a wimp.

He knows what he wants, but he doesn't have the balls to take it.

Come on.

Johnny, on the other hand, knows how to please a woman,

knows what she wants, knows how to give it to her.

Tina can't help herself. She knows Johnny's bad, but...

that's what makes it exciting for her.

She can't help herself. She has a fling with him.

What's wrong with that?

I think you're a little confused.

I'm not... I'm not Tina.

I'm not Johnny.

[doorbell chimes]

Alex.

Mrs. Rankin? Everything all right?

Excuse me?

Your system's off-line, the security system.

We put it through our central computer,

we were doing a routine check and you didn't show up.

You mind if I come in and take a look?

Yes, I do mind.

Well, if you could just show me... I said I do mind.

I'm in the middle of something right now.

It'll just take a minute.

Did you hear what I said?

I... I'm busy, and the damn thing's always screwing up.

Why don't you... Please, come back during the week.

Sorry, ma'am.

[car door closes]

[engine starts]

Look, I kept my head out there. I think you owe me.

What I want to know is what you want.

Okay. You want to know?

Here it is.

Three years ago...

me and this guy, Deacon,

got set up to do this job.

They told Deke that on a certain night,

there wasn't gonna be anybody home.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

You were gonna rob a house.

Yeah. That's what I do.

Anyway, according to our source,

these people were supposed to have a safe full of stones.

So we go over there. The security system's off,

just like it's supposed to be.

We go in.

Deke does his thing with the safe,

we open it up,

and guess what.

It's empty.

No stones, no jewelry, no nothing.

So we're both standing there

like a couple of fucking morons,

and the alarm goes off. Just like that.

[alarm ringing]

The door swings open.

It's some fucking guy standing with a gun.

Deke goes down.

He takes another shot.

I think I'm dead meat. That gets me going.

I crash through the window.

Then it hit me.

What?

It was a scam. It was an insurance scam.

It was a setup for the money.

He drops Deke with one shot.

Me he misses...

at that close range.

The fact is he didn't want to hit me.

He wanted me to get away.

There was this moment. This...

when I looked at Deke and he had this...

funny look on his face.

It was like he knew who it was.

[Alex] Who was it?

Your old friend, the creep.

[gunshot]Ronnie Rankin.

It all happened right here,

in this house,

right here in this room.

You just got released from prison?

Two days ago.

What's gonna happen when they come back?

Simple. He pays me the money he owes me.

How much money are we talking about?

They got 2 million on the insurance.

Our deal, me and Deke, was for a quarter.

I figure what with the interest

and the double-cross,

I think he owes me half.

A m-million?

What were you gonna do, make him write you a check?

I bet it's not empty now.

I think it's still a lot of money

to have lying around.

You think this guy's legit?

You think he keeps all of his money in the bank?

Well, lookie here.

Which one of these is the, uh,

Anastatica Hiro... Chuntina?

You know, when you're in prison,

it's real easy...

to think about the downside.

It's all attitude.

So maybe what you should do is make this

one of those interesting life experiences.

I bet you could even sell your story.

I bet that I see you on TV.

Yeah, I like that. What?

[laughing]

What else are you gonna say about me?

You're really insane.

No.

I just don't have anything to lose.

If you don't have anything to lose,

people think you're a fuck-up.

And if you're a fuck-up,

nobody's even gonna give you the time of day.

No wonder you were in jail.

I bet you always get caught.

Hey, don't go making yourself out to be some kind of a saint.

What's that supposed to mean?

You're an actress, right?

You ain't exactly doing it, are ya?

Or else you wouldn't be here

taking care of somebody's house.

Always looking for parts, always looking for roles,

starting to wonder whether you're any good or not.

You wanna keep your dime store psycho-dribble to yourself?

Except the truth is

the only acting you really get to do is

when you tell the people at table number 7

how good the specials are.

Pretty soon it starts to get kinda humiliating.

Fuck you.

Hey, you're a waitress,

and I'm a thief,

and that's who we are.

I'm not a waitress. I am an actress!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[sobbing] Yeah, yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, yeah.

I know you're an actress, okay?

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.

I know you're an actress. You're a good actress.

You're the best I've ever seen.

Don't you know that about yourself?

What I said before, from your script?

They weren't my words.

But they were easy to say

because it was you that I was saying them to.

♪ No matter where love may lead you ♪

♪ In my eyes it's a real man ♪

♪ Who can let his feelings show ♪

♪ If you're the man who'll make me feel ♪

♪ Like a woman ♪

♪ I'll be the woman who'll make you feel ♪

♪ Like a man ♪

♪ If you're the man who'll make me feel ♪

♪ Like a woman ♪

You know,

you're a totally different person

than I had you figured for.

No. I'm just not the woman you think I am.

Admit it. You like being here, don't ya?

[chuckles]

You like to pretend? Huh?

Okay.

We're gonna pretend.

Let's pretend we're them.

[laughing]

Hi, honey. I'm home.

[giggling]What's for dinner?

I gotta tell ya.

I had a tough day at the office.

I fucked over about a half a dozen people.

I mean, I'm tellin' ya, I'm really exhausted.

It's true what they say, baby.

Hmm?

A bastard's work is never done.

You're really something special, you know that?

I never met anybody like you before.

♪ This I know ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ I just can't help myself ♪

♪ I just can't let you go ♪What?

♪ Everyone knows I've been tryin' ♪

♪ To get you back, and I'm not lyin' ♪

[clears throat] ♪ Baby... ♪

That was Deke's favorite tune.

He used to play that all the time

in this little pizza joint we used to hang out in.

You two were close, huh?

He was my brother.

He was your... He was your brother?

You're not here just for the money, are you?

You're gonna kill him?

That's exactly what the bastard deserves.

Why don't...

Why don't you go get us some more wine,

while I, um,

slip into something more comfortable?

Alex?

Alex!

Shit.

Shit.

[gasps] Oh, my God!

You scared the hell out of me.

Oh, I'm sorry. The front door was wide open.

Are you all right? What are you doing here?

I came to return this before I got carried away

and drowned in my sorrows.

Look, you just wouldn't believe it.

You just wouldn't.

First Laurel and Eve cancel.

I have to explain something. They just cancel.

Then Rudy shows up,

but he can only stay for five minutes.

And then Andrew totters in,

and he wants to watch some game or other.

Willie, you know Mickey, my brother?

Yes. He very on edge, isn't he?

Has he always been that way?

He's not my brother.

I know.

I knew that he was some kind of a workman,

because, you see, he's so,

he's so rough, he's so uncouth.

You don't know the half of it.

Really?

I don't know the half of it?

So we thought, uh... we thought, um,

we'd have a little fun with the help, did we?

While nobody was looking?

While our husband wasn't around?

Now, you don't have to be afraid, Mrs. Rankin.

I'm not gonna tell anybody.

I'm not gonna tell your husband.

No, I certain...

I certainly wouldn't do that.

Willie, I've got to explain something to you.

Oh, please!

Now, it's a little late to be protesting your innocence.

Don't you think?

I gotta tell you, I'm just a...

I'm a bit surprised. I mean, an exterminator?

I thought you were exclusively into

the security patrol boys.

You've got it wrong.

We're gonna set things straight now, aren't we?

[gasping]

My first wife...

who's shtupping the delivery boys,

she thought I didn't know.

But, um...

oh, I knew.

Willie. Willie, please...

No, that's not my name, really.

I like it, though. Don't you?

It's just sort of folksy, you know?

Aah!

[groaning]

[sigh]

[Willie humming]

[knocking]

[cat screeching]

[door opens, closes]

Mrs. Rankin. [gasp]

I'm... I'm not Mrs. Rankin.

I'm sorry?

I'm just house-sitting for them for the weekend.

Not a very good actress, Mrs. Rankin.

It's the truth.

In my approach from the rear of the property,

I sort of got mixed up,

and I wound up behind the wrong house.

I took a swim in the wrong pool.

Horrible. Horrible mistake.

Aah!

[gasping]

Fucking... bas...

[grunting]

Hey!

Let go of this.

What the hell got into Willie?

It's not Willie. He's the murderer.

Is he...

No, but he should be.

What makes you think he's this killer guy?

He came back to get me.

To her. Get her.

What the hell are you talking about?

Sondra Rankin.

I must admit, I'm a bit curious.

Is there some special reason

you're not calling the police?

[laughs]

You can't call the police, is that it?

Afraid of the scandal?

Let me explain something to you, Willie.

[click]

There's no reason for me not to finish you off right now.

So you just give me one little excuse, and I'll do it.

[sigh] Yes, I...

I understand perfectly.

She can't let her husband find out.

I'll pay you $10,000 if you let me kill her.

Yeah?

You got it on you?

No.

I'm good for it. Really.

Let me have her.

She can't mean anything to you,

the lying, deceitful slut.

Gee, I don't know. I would, except...

she's not really her.

You just say the word, Alex, and I'll off the guy right now.

This is insane. I'm calling the police.

You're gonna stay right where you're at!

Alex?

Yeah. Alex the house-sitter.

You fucked up, Willie.

Who are you?

I'm your fairy godmother.

All that stuff before was just acting, wasn't it?

[whispers] No.

No, not all of it.

Well, which part was real?

The part where you ran away from me or...

the part where we were kissing?

I think you knew exactly what you were doing.

Why don't you just cut the bullshit and cop to it?

Hey!

See? Everything looks all right.

Oh, my God.

[footsteps upstairs]

["phone off hook" beep]

Here's why you haven't been able to reach her.

[gasp]

Well, well, well.

Look who's here.

I had not expected a visit from you.

Get down on the floor!

Sondra, you get over here. Hold this gun on him.

Well, you've been having yourself

a very good time, hmm?

Let me guess.

You came to get back at me, hmm?

Put things right?

How very noble.

Hamlet with his tragic mission.

Pitifully obvious you haven't improved on your

professional skills in the slightest.

That would have to make you a rather classic washout,

wouldn't you say?

A-1, first-class fuck-up?

Now you know why I chose you

and your brother in the first place.

Third-rate nonentities

so easily led to the slaughter.

[laughing]

He thought it was almost too easy the first time,

and here he is, falling into my lap again.

Tearing my house apart,

threatening my life.

Oh, yes, Officer, I thought he was trying to kill me.

Oh, thank God. Where have you been?

Do you know what I've been through?

He came here looking for you.

He's crazy! I thought he was gonna kill me.

What's going on here?

Ronnie, it was just so awful,

and then you didn't come back like you promised.

What are you trying to pull?

Isn't it time we stopped this masquerade?

I've been crazy, thinking I was never gonna see you again.

I thought I was gonna die!

Ron, what is she talking about?

He was supposed to take you to the boat

and then pretend he got an urgent phone call

and he would come back here alone

and we would have the weekend together

to talk and to work things out.

Please tell her, Ronnie.

Sondra, she's an actress. She's making it all up.

You can't possibly believe this outrageous story.

She told me she was a waitress.

I don't care what she told you. She's lying!

Why? Why would she?

I don't know.

Isn't it time we stopped this masquerade?

The lying and the deceit?

I'm not the woman you think I am.

I'm carrying his baby.

Ah, this is some kind of a scam

the two of you are running, isn't it?

How can you?

I'm so tired of sneaking around

and hiding our love from the world.

That's a nice try, kid.

So how long has this been going on?

I tried to end it. I've tried it so many times.

But you know what he's like. He just gets what he wants.

I really don't want to hear any more of this.

You.

We know all about you.

What you do when Ronnie's away.

He deserves better than you.

How could she possibly know?

Has he also told you that...

he watches?

Jesus. He watches? What a sick fuck.

[laughing]

Now, I can't possibly imagine

what he's going to have you doing for him.

Sondra, really, I have no idea how...

Did you really think I was gonna let you get away with this?

Sondra, I've never seen her before this weekend.

I don't want to hear any more of your lies, Ron.

Sondra, his is not the time or the place.

No?

Why, I think it is.

I think it needs to be resolved right now, don't you?

Now, you give me the gun, dear.

No, give me the gun.

I'll show you what to do with it.

Sondra, this is not the time...

nor the place.

Now, you get hold of yourself. You go out to the car.

You call the police and tell them we have an intruder.

Yes, dear. Whatever you say.

Sondra can get quite emotional at times.

Ah, that was quite a performance.

A little over the top for my taste,

but... impressive.

How was she, Mick? Good?

I'd love to hear the details, but, unfortunately,

I'm kind of pressed for time.

Now I have a new scene for you to play.

For all three of us to play, actually.

Yeah, it goes something like this.

I go away for the weekend, and when I come back...

angry-but-stupid ex-con has broken in.

He's got a gun.

He surprises the house-sitter, but she's a clever girl.

She grabs the gun. They fight.

There's shots.

When the dust settles...

they're both dead.

You're forgetting about one thing.

What's that?

The reason I came back here?

That's easy. You're a recidivist.

You have this compulsion

to commit the same crime again and again.

No. You're wrong.

I came back because, uh,

I love flowers.

One in particular.

What's the name of that one?

The... The Anastatica Hiro.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Golden Ventura?

That one.

[Willie] Hello?

Is someone there?

Who are you?

I live here. I'm Sondra Rankin.

Who are you?

What have you done?

What's the matter? You don't like the way I rearranged things?

Where is it?

Ronald, there is a man in the basement.

What man?

He's tied up.

Who's down there?

Oh, that's your new neighbor Willie.

He, uh, came over and made a nuisance out of himself,

so I had to keep him from making any more trouble.

I don't know any Willie.

I remember seeing a moving van before we left.

What are we going to do?

This is perfect.

It's another witness.

You go down there, you untie him,

and you tell him your husband needs his help.

Go on.

All right.

So he was coming at ya...

and you've never fired a gun before.

You probably wouldn't hit him at all,

so we will begin with a shot to the leg.

Wait.

The man downstairs! Alex.

He's not a neighbor.

He murdered the woman next door.

Oh, that's very good.

Damn it! It's the truth! He will kill her!

Not before I kill the two of you.

No!

Okay, okay. I know where your rosebush is.

That interests me.

Alex, don't tell him nothing.

No, I'm gonna give it to him.

It's...

in the basement.

It can't survive down there.

[gasp]

Show me!

Sondra?

Sondra?

You there?

[crashing, gunshot]

Yes, I know.

It wasn't a very nice thing to do, was it?

Not very neighborly.

[gasping]

That man is not what he...

I know.

I know!

What do you mean you know?

Sondra, for God's sake. I'm hurt.

You allowed me to come down here

knowing that he was...

Sondra, this is not the time.

I told you...

this is only gonna hurt...

a bit.

Hey, Willie.

How you doing?

No, no, no, no, no.

Sis is busy right now.

Ooh...

Aah! Aah! Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh!

Aah! Aah!

Alex!

Jump up on the counter!

Get off the floor!

You are fucking her, aren't you?

You realize this is the end for us.

[laughing]

Change of plan, dear.

Intruder shoots wife...

while husband watches!

[empty chamber clicking]

He's out of bullets.

Come on down here and untie me.

[Willie groaning]

[whimpers]

I think we wore out our welcome.

I can't go on an audition now.

Sure you can. After what you just did in there?

It'll be a piece of cake.

I'm sure you'll be very convincing.

Whatever happened to the Golden Ventura?

Oh.

God.

I never had to fence a rosebush before.

So I guess this is good-bye. Yeah.

I'll give you a call sometime.

It'll probably be, uh, long distance, though.

It's been nice knowing you, Alex Weaver.

You have a good life.

You deserve it.

Go on. Get outta here.

Okay.

[engine starts]

And in further developments on the Bel-Air murder case

involving Los Angeles businessman Ronald Rankin,

the L.A. prosecutor has revealed

that Rankin's wife Sondra

will be the chief witness against her husband

in the well-publicized case.

Rankin is accused of murdering his neighbor Martin Trainer

several days after he murdered

another neighbor, Patty Neubauer.

He goes on trial next month.

More news later on the 6:00 report.

Get ready to cue Alex.

Fade up on 2.

♪♪ [synthesizer]

Cue Alex.

I'm tired of sneaking around

and hiding our love from the world.

You can run away from me,

but you can't run away from your feelings.

I know that you feel it just as I do.

I want to hear you admit it.

[Women laughing]Hey, can you shut up over there?

I'm trying to watch this.

It's true. You've opened things up for me.

And when I'm with you...

[with TV] I feel these crazy thoughts.

Thoughts I can't even mention.

Enough of that junk.

[bell rings] [Director] and we're clear.

I'm surprised a guy like you got interested in that stuff.

Alex, these are for you.

Thank you.

[Director] Places, everyone.

[bell rings]

Hector? Yeah.

Ah,

could you put these in some water for me, please?

Sure.