Original subtitles

.

- "Will & Grace" is shot before a live studio audience.

- Okay, this is every gift from our baby shower,

which was six weeks ago.

So we are writing thank you notes today,

no more excuses.

- But I'm so tired and pregnant.

- Those are excuses.

- I'm hungry, I'm lazy, I'm gassy.

- Those are just facts.

I don't want to do this either.

And since you lost the list of who gave us what,

it's not gonna be easy.

- I didn't lose the list.

I just lied about making it in the first place.

- Let's see if we can find some obvious clues.

- Oh. Baby's first martini set.

"Why should mom have all the fun?"

- Mm.

It's cute. A picture of a tipsy baby.

- It's from Karen. - Mm-hmm.

This a autographed headshot of Jack.

"To Will/Grace's daughter/son,

"don't forget to dream.

"Uncle Jack.

SAG-AFTRA."

- He put under special skills, "Microwaving."

- [chuckles]

- I have seen him do that.

- Silence. Your social betters are here.

Jack has something very important to say.

- Guess who's getting honored in Blattsville

because her baseball team won the championship,

and a life-size statue?

- Here's a hint.

This year for Secret Santa,

she gave Rudy Giuliani a plausible alibi.

- I think it's nice for once they're putting up a statue

of a terrible person with a problematic legacy

on civil rights.

- Amen, sister.

Danley and Stanley saddled me with that loser team.

Now they have to watch the whole town celebrate me.

- You invited Stan? - Of course I did.

They're calling it "Karen Walker Day."

Ooh, I can't wait to see that man eat crow.

Wait, what am I saying?

They know enough to stay away from his mouth.

- Oh, my shower gift. You are welcome.

Oh, please let the babies know I can do a Croatian accent.

I was gonna put it under special skills,

but I'm really good at microwaving.

- Thanks, Jack.

- [imitates Croatian accent] It's pronounced Yach.

- Let's go, Yach.

You kids wanna come? - Hell, yeah.

- Grace, we have thank you notes to write.

These are our friends.

- Aren't half of them gonna dump us once we have kids?

I mean, that's what we did.

- Good point. Let's go.

- Oh, good. It's gonna be so much fun.

You know Blattsville Creamery

named an ice cream flavor after Karen.

- Ooh, does it taste like gin or blood?

- Both! It's a swirl.

- Ah.

[upbeat trumpet and piano music]

♪

You know, I think Blattsville is kind of pretty.

Although I didn't quite get that sign

when we first drove in.

"Home of the original Blatt." What is a Blatt?

Are we all picturing the same thing?

- A sex position? - A sandwich.

- I guess not.

- I love this town.

They have a nail salon/Thai restaurant/post office.

I could do my whole life from one chair.

- There's a man rollerblading

with a Frenchy inside his BabyBjorn.

That must be the gay district.

- Well, I'm actually kind of nervous about my statue.

I hope they got the boobs right.

- Okay, well, we got a couple hours to kill.

- All right, let's go check out that open house we passed.

- You just want the free brownie.

- You don't know me. - And you have to pee.

- You know me.

- So, uh...

you think Stan is here yet?

- Karen, that's like the billionth time

you've asked me about Stan. - So what?

Stop reading into things.

I don't care if Stan comes or if he gets here early.

[piano music]

- Good. There's no one here.

We'll get our brownie, pee, leave.

It'll be our "Eat, Pray, Love."

Where are you? - [panting]

The stairs. - There were two.

- Can you cut me a little slack?

I'm 1,000-year-old pregnant lady.

- Hi, I'm Ruth Anne. People call me Rue.

So are you here to see the house?

Or are you just brownie and pee people?

- Oh, gosh. Who does that?

No, we are definitely here to see the house.

- Oh, great. I'll get the brownies.

You'd be surprised when people pull that on me.

- People are the absolute worst.

[chuckles]

Let's get the hell out of here.

- No, I have to go to the bathroom.

- Come on. [both sigh]

- All right, all right. But wash your hands.

Other people are gonna eat those brownies.

.

- Excuse me.

Hi, I'm Kathy.

Are you the guy with the really bad breath?

You're in that ad at the dentist's office.

You know, the guy whose wife won't kiss him

because of his breath.

And his kids are like... [gags]

- Oh, my God. That tongue scraper ad I did.

I wish I had saved the money I made from that.

But I really wanted a slice on the way home.

- You're a real celebrity in this town.

That poster's been on Dr. Kachkari's wall forever.

- Hold on a second.

Did you just call me a celebrity?

- Well, yeah. You're an icon here.

Everyone goes to Dr. Kachkari.

I'm there a lot because of my addiction to eating pottery.

- Hold on a second.

Did you just say I was an icon?

- You bet.

You know, I'm on the city council.

We'd love to get your handprints

for our walk of fame.

- "Sheriff Obediah Gustafson."

"Sparky the Mattress Discount Dog."

"Jim Belushi."

Are you joking me?

Who wouldn't want to be a part of this dust?

I'll do it. - Oh, really?

- Oh, my God. - Really?

That's amazing.

You'll be the biggest name we've ever gotten.

I can't believe we're gonna have...

- Jack McFarland.

- Jack McFarland on our walk of fame.

[piano music]

- [sighs]

- Is that a fifth bathroom? - It is now.

- Lovely. We're gone.

- No, no, no, no, no, let's look, let's look.

We can make it like a game.

Like one of those improv games we did in college.

- Oh, I love it. What's the game?

- Last letter, first letter.

The last letter of the last word I say

has to be the first letter of the first word you say,

and vice versa.

- Oh, my God. You're gonna lose so hard.

You can't think that fast on your feet.

- Yeah? And you can't...

I think I'm in trouble.

[piano music]

- So for my big entrance,

you'll carry me in and set me down in front of the podium.

Front and center because I want my ex-husband

to see me and eat his heart out.

And believe me, he would if he could.

Oh, how that man loves an organ meat.

Take five.

- [panting] Karen. I'm like a celebrity here.

- Oh. - I got this for free.

And the local mechanic offered to let me sleep with his wife.

I'm her hall pass.

- I'm on pins and needles.

I can't wait. I'm gonna peek.

What? What the hell?

I'm the size of a vibrator.

I could pleasure myself with myself.

Not that I would because I'm too angry.

Although being angry sometimes puts me in the mood.

Now I kind of want to.

[piano music]

- Ah, here we are.

You know, I never got your names.

- Oh, I am Dr. Grace Adler...witz.

- Z--

Zero scratches on the floor, which is good.

I'm her husband, Will. I'm a musician.

And there's plenty of space here for me to play my sax.

- Xylophone is also played by him-owitz.

- So it's, uh, four bedrooms, four baths,

a chef's kitchen, and a wraparound porch.

- Zany idea, but honey,

you know what I would put on that porch?

A brand new BBQ.

- Quick. Go check out the kitchen.

- Nice one. Yeah.

Oh, remember I got a gig with my jazz quartet tonight.

We're called "Nouveau Chapeau."

- "O"? "X"?

"U"...

Win.

- So a doctor

and a professional saxophonist. - Mm-hmm.

- Just so you know, I've sold to other couples

in Witness Protection.

Don't tell anybody.

So what are you having? - Oh, it's a boy.

- Oh, there's so much room to run around in the yard.

It's totally fenced in. So he can have a dog.

- Oh, I'd love my kid to have a dog.

And I'd love my Instagram to have a kid and a dog.

- Mm-hmm.

- Stan was supposed to see this

and think that I was the biggest winner in the world.

Now I'm gonna look like the tiniest loser.

- Were you guys just talking about me?

Because my balls are burning.

- I'm not gonna take the rap

for your preexisting condition, Danley.

- Karen, you won fair and square, okay?

I'm just--I'm here to kiss the feet of your statue.

- Oh, no, no. No.

Let's wait until your brother gets here.

Stan's not here yet, right? - No, we would know.

This carefully placed glass of water

will ripple when he approaches.

- All right, well, I'll just see you at the ceremony.

- Honey, Stan's gonna be here any minute.

Oh, I gotta come up with something really big,

something that'll really knock

Stan's compression socks right off.

- Karen, why are you obsessed with sticking it to Stan?

- Because how else am I gonna show him that I don't care?

.

- Wow.

I've always dreamed of this moment.

I'm gonna do it. - Okay.

- I'ma touch it. - Ah! You scared me.

- Is it gooey or is it-- - I don't know.

- [gasps]

[applause]

- How does it feel? - You know what, Kathy?

[shrieking] I'm not gonna lie!

I have never felt so comfortable in this position.

Wait a minute.

Should Estefan and I move up here?

No more New York rat race. Just success and adulation.

[camera shutters]

- Okay-- - But on the one hand,

I've just gotten a taste of real success in New York.

- Jack, it's getting harder-- - It is, Kathy.

It is getting harder. I'm not a young man anymore.

But on the other hand, up here, I could be a star.

[camera shutters]

I could wear big glasses and park illegally.

Of course, I'll never be able to leave the house

without makeup, but--[laughs] who am I kidding?

When have I ever left the house without makeup?

- You know, I-- - You know what, sweetheart?

It's a monologue, not a dialogue.

But living here, I would feel stuck.

I can't be stuck. I refuse to be stuck.

Kathy? - Yeah?

- I'm stuck.

- Can someone get a jackhammer? - Oh, my God.

You even named a hammer after me?

[piano music]

- And now to fulfill my most humiliating obligation,

vis-à-vis, my bet with Karen Walker.

"Wah-wah! I made a boom boom."

[cheers and applause]

Karen Walker will be out in just a moment.

But before she does, please enjoy the prerecorded music,

The Blattsville Retirement Center Band,

who could not be here live because of

"numerous deaths in the brass section."

[orchestral music playing]

- You ever think that

your relationship with your assistant

would lead to you watching a billionaire dressed as a baby

telling an entire town that he just pooped his pants?

- [chuckles]

- 'Cause I did.

[phone buzzes]

- Oh.

[phone clatters]

- I got it. - No, it's okay.

It's okay, it's okay. - I got it.

It's a text from Rue. "Your offer is in."

Did you make an offer on that house?

- I probably won't even get it.

- Oh, my God. Were you ever gonna tell me?

Or was I just supposed to figure it out

when I stopped finding Cheez-It powder on the couch?

- I knew this was gonna be your reaction.

Come on.

We've always known eventually I was gonna have to move out.

- Yeah, down the street. Not to a different zip code.

And I thought maybe we'd talk about it first.

- Or put it off like we always do.

Will, Will. It's a 40 minute train ride.

We're gonna see each other all the time.

- Yeah, and that's what people say.

Now, I hope you're happy. - Will--

- You've ruined Karen Walker Day.

- Will.

- You know you're gonna hate it here.

You're allergic to everything.

We still don't know what a Blatt is,

but I'm sure you're allergic to those too.

- Will, I'm sorry. I should have said something.

But when I was sitting in that house,

it was like I had a vision of what my life is supposed to be.

And it's there in that house

with my little boy in that yard--

- Right, right. Without me.

- That's not what I meant-- - Grace, you know what?

It's hard enough that we're both having babies

at this stage in our lives,

but what made me think it was all gonna be okay

was that we were gonna do it together.

But I guess you don't feel that way.

- Okay, now as I like to tell my massage therapist,

get ready for a big finish.

So put on your masks.

Because now, it is time to welcome

"your hero, your goddess,

and the inspiration for Jessica Rabbit,"

Karen Walker.

[triumphant music playing]

- Thank you, boys, mmm.

Ah, what a Blatt.

So I thought of a statue,

I thought of putting my face on the local currency,

but then I thought of this town.

This town of Blattsville,

with its ugly, ugly name.

And I came up with this.

[cheers and applause]

Welcome to Karen Walker-land.

Now you all live in me.

.

- So I changed my mind.

And I'm so sorry you're gonna lose a sale,

but I have to withdraw the offer.

- But you sounded so sure when you left.

I thought, "There goes a strong, smart, beautiful,

energetic, young woman."

- People do say that.

But we have this history, you know?

Promises implied and to undue that now--

- Not that it's any of my business,

but I don't trust that man.

Mm, too skinny, tan in the winter.

It's weird. - [laughs]

Oh, he would think both of those were compliments.

- I just think that any man that would talk

a smart, beautiful, energetic woman like yourself--

- You forgot young. - There's the smart.

But if he's talking you out of this house,

he's just not a good man.

- Grace, I want you to buy this home.

- Now that's a good man.

- What are you doing to me? - I was being selfish.

You know, all I thought about

was how you moving away would affect me.

- No, I was being impulsive.

I don't even know what I was thinking.

- You were thinking about a home for your son.

And why wouldn't you want it to be here?

There's room to breathe, a big backyard,

a bathroom with a double vanity where a father and daughter

could, I don't know, pluck their eyebrows together.

- It sounds like you should move here.

Now I should tell you there's one other offer,

but she seems a little unstable.

- You just said I was strong, energetic, and beautiful.

- This is how the game's played.

Now look, both of you obviously like the home,

so I think this will be a great place

for you to raise your family.

- We're not a family.

- Yeah, we were just best friends

who've pretty much always been roommates.

- Yeah, and now we're both having kids at the same time.

- Yeah, we're like each other's main person

and we wanted to raise our kids together.

- Sounds like a family to me.

So would you guys like to put in an offer together?

[both stammer]

- What are we thinking?

- We're thinking about maybe buying this house together.

- Are we? - I don't know, are we?

- I think we are.

And that basement could easily fit a tanning bed.

- Excuse me? - I'm sorry.

- Is this crazy? - I know, I know.

What are people gonna say about us?

- I guess the same thing

they've been saying about us for 20 years?

- "When are they finally gonna do it?"

- The other thing.

- "Do you think they've already done it?"

- The other, other thing. - Oh.

"It's odd, but it works"?

So, oh, my God. - Oh, my God.

- We're doing it. - We're buying a house.

- Come here. [both laugh]

- I'm so happy for all of us.

But never, ever go into the attic.

[laughs] I love doing that.

You should have seen your faces.

I'ma get more brownies.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What if one of us meets someone?

- Hey, we'll figure that out.

You know, and then I'll move in with him.

- Why are you the one who meets someone?

- It's not me, it's society.

I mean, you're a gassy woman over 40 with a kid.

The odds aren't great.

- This is Upstate New York. I'm like a nine here.

People don't even think I'm pregnant.

- Yeah.

[piano music]

♪

- You okay, Kare?

- Stanley missed the ceremony, Jackie.

I know that I said that I wanted to stick it to him,

but I really just wanted him to be proud of me.

But I'm not even on his radar.

Oh, crap. It's Danley.

- I'll distract him while you run.

- Oh, honey. I don't run.

- Well, Karen Walker Day has come and gone,

but it will live forever in my pants.

- Girl, you got it bad. - It's true.

I love her. It must run in the family.

- You mean Stan? He didn't even show up.

- Well, he didn't show because he's a wreck.

The poor man's down to four meals and two snacks a day.

Some of his doctors aren't even worried about him.

- Because he lost a bet? - No, because he lost Karen.

He still loves her. He always will.

Well, I guess the course of true love never did run smooth.

Huh, maybe I'll get a hooker and get her to wear this.

- Stanley loves me?

- This place is perfect. - I know.

And there are two master bedrooms

because the couple before us were architects

who fell out of love with each other?

- They could design a house. They couldn't build a home.

- Okay, to be clear,

that's gonna be my joke at our housewarming party.

Oh, oh. I forgot.

Rue left us something.

[stirring music]

♪