Original subtitles

I wore this fake piece of shit to a charity event.

Previously on House of Lies...

Enjoy your expulsion, asshole.

MARTY: 'Cause some big donor said "boo," Roscoe became a pariah.

Then it was just everyone feeling free to spew

whatever hateful shit was inside of them.

So, the school, uh, sent over the surveillance footage.

There's security footage?

He's got a hoodie on, same brand that you wear.

Was shocked to learn that a man such as yourself

would not only have a baby out of wedlock,

but a gender-bending son.

You involved my son in this?

So, all I have to do to get things

back on the right track is start being your little bitch.

But you're already my little bitch.

MARTY: It turns out that Azhar Halabi was

in bed with Thomas Altshuler.

And guess who suppressed that shit?

When we look back on the formation of this company,

our first bouncing baby app,

we're gonna say, "Hey, you remember when it all began?"

Word on the street was that you were looking for a new position.

I'm going to offer it to you.

Huh.

When exactly are you due?

Three weeks from tomorrow.

(laughing): Whoa.

She's almost here.

(screaming)

(whimpers)

(screaming)

♪ ♪

♪ A strongman from the carnival was in my dreams last night ♪

♪ He had an acorn for a head and he rode upon a bike ♪

♪ He said now listen to me, in your dreams... ♪

GRANT: Are you kidding? I can't believe

fucking Marty Kaan has already torpedoed Galweather

and my company in his upward fall to the top.

And now he's on...

♪ Six foot down, don't pay no mind... ♪

(music stops)

Thanks, thanks.

Uh, hello.

Good evening, everybody.

Uh, sorry to interrupt the festivities.

I just want to say a couple words.

I see a lot of familiar faces out there.

Uh, most of them drunk.

GRANT: Hey, Marty Kaan!

Fuck you!

MAN: Oh. Okay. (laughs)

Whoa, take it easy.

I mean, I know you guys are pouring them pretty stiff

behind the bar there, but still.

Oh, yeah.

Right this second, I'm fucked.

I mean, triple-decker- on-toast-points fucked.

Deeply, physically, emotionally

and spiritually fucked.

You see, my sugar mama, Denna Altshuler,

has pulled out... prematurely as it were--

leaving me in a state of expansionus interruptus.

The bank says they will float me

if, and I stress this,

if all of these new companies that we've taken over

will stay the course.

If I can go through and one by one convince

each of these CEOs whose companies

Denna raped and pillaged to trust... me.

And I'm close.

I am so, so very close.

What would that mean for the new Kaan and Associates?

Well, it would mean that my balls,

already very healthy in weight and girth,

would grow to heretofore unrecorded tumescence.

If I can make this happen,

I will have one of the richest management consultancies

on the planet.

Me.

Not Denna Altshuler.

Not some faceless consortium.

Me. Marty Kaan.

The guy with the big fucking balls!

But right now?

It ain't looking too good.

(crowd gasping, murmurs)

(exclaiming)

DOUG: Oh, hey, Denna.

Uh, we're about to get a very important call

about our app. We haven't even launched yet and...

Fuck off.

Okay. Oh! (laughs)

(phone ringing) I'm dumping K and A.

Okay. No, dumping's too personal a word.

It sounds like I have some emotional investment

or something.

So, let's try this.

I am withdrawing my financial

and strategic support of K and A.

That was better. Okay.

I'm totally fine taking a $20 million hit

in order to never have to speak to you again.

Yet, you had your driver drop you off downstairs

so that you could come all the way up here and say

that in person? I don't know.

Sounds a little girly to me.

Am I hurt in a girly way?

Actually, I'm surprised by it, but yeah.

I am a little hurt.

Yeah. So, I ask myself

why? I mean, what is this feeling?

And I realize it's a very young feeling.

It's a feeling I haven't had

since my high school boyfriend dumped me.

Oh, boy, this is gonna go long.

Could take forever. Why is that?

Was this a great love? Was this the one that got away?

Were we in some amazing swirl of romance?

Fuck no.

No.

I'm having this very young feeling because you...

are a child.

And I am getting as far away from you as possible.

You used my son as a pawn in your little bullshit

chess game. Fuck you, Denna.

What, you thought I wasn't gonna return fire?

I think you put the gun to your own head.... as usual.

Good luck relaunching.

That's gonna be fun to watch.

Thank you.

Any second now. All right? Doug, calm down.

I don't... Oh, hey, Denna!

Uh, we're about to get a very important call on our app.

We haven't even launched... Fuck off.

Oh! (laughs) (phone ringing)

Ooh! Oh. Uh...

Oberholt. Yeah, I'll hold.

Oh, my God. Come on, come on, come on. Hey.

Get the fuck out of here. What's he saying?

Put it on speaker. Okay.

I can't hear. Put it on speaker. Okay, okay. Shh...

Okay.

So, I guess it wasn't bullshit. Oh, my God.

There is very strong interest in our app

from Google.

They're gonna make an offer today.

Oh! (laughs) Whoa.

Oh, my God! Okay, calm down!

Just calm down, just calm down!

You're yelling! I'm not!

Yes, you are! Listen... You are!

I'm not. I'm very calm.

Oh, God. Oh, good news.

Move, bitch.

I'm not even making eye contact.

But, hey, it just happened!

That call I was talking about, so...

I mean, dreams do come true.

We can celebrate at the relaunch party tonight. Absolutely.

If there's something to celebrate!

Don't get too excited. Well, hey,

can I, uh, say something?

I know that Kelsey and I are

no longer, um... well,

you don't have to spell it out. We know, so don't.

We're not having sex anymore.

Don't, don't, don't! But I thought

since I don't have a date tonight,

and Clyde's still in mourning after he killed his dad,

and we might be celebrating the acquisition of our company,

perhaps we could... I don't need

to spell it out... Have sex again.

I'm not hearing a no. No, Doug.

No. Nope. No. No.

Well, think about it. Kiddies?

My office. Yeah.

Not you, Miley Cyrus.

Okay. (clears his throat)

Denna is 100% pulling out.

Huh. Okay?

So, we got to lock down these big swinging dicks

that came over in this acquisition or K and A is

dead in the fucking water. Grab some cushion.

Clyde? Yeah?

I'm gonna need you to get letters of intent

from Craig Smith and Hannah Choi.

I'm on it. Okay, Doug?

Work on Tim Brockner, Mike Jenson.

Mm-hmm. I've got Jeannie headed

straight out to breakfast with Rachel Hoffman.

Okay. And what about Grant Stevens?

Yeah, I'll deal with that fucknut.

Hmm, wow! Huh.

I love when you just fucking mumble

when you want somebody to ask you a ques... What?

Well, in a very interesting twist...

Yeah, yeah, draw it out. Clyde and I might

be in a position to help godfather No, no, no.

the new K and A.

Do you want to tell him, Clyde, or should I?

Nope, I'm gonna tell him.

Oh, that's no fair. No, how about you shut the fuck up?

There's nothing to tell. He's... Yeah, okay.

Yes! Okay, okay! Yeah.

I probably shouldn't have said... Jesus, ladies!

Show me your titties.

Our GPS-based doctor house call app is selling

to a little company you may have heard of

called Google.

Selling to Google?

Yeah, and as I look at the comps here,

the low end is in the vicinity of $400 million.

And the upper end-- and not at all out of the question--

is a little closer to...

a billion dollars!

We're not making a billion dollars. We're making a billion dollars!

We are not... Doug, we're not making a billion dollars!

I'm looking at it! Oh, my God!

So, you guys could just single-handedly

finance K and A?

That's exac.. I mean, I'd have (phone ringing)

to talk to my partner, but yeah.

Well, talk to your fucking partner.

But I am still gonna treat you guys like shit.

Wouldn't have it any other way. Well, then we're definitely in.

Ah! Are you guys gonna make out?

Get the fuck out of my office!

Okay. Hey, ow!

Hey, buddy.

(over headphones): ♪ Porn star, porn star ♪ MARTY (muffled): Hey, Roscoe.

♪ Let's make a movie, make a movie ♪

♪ Then show it off, show it off... ♪

Roscoe? Roscoe? JEREMIAH: Roscoe!

Roscoe, your father's speaking to you!

♪ I'm gonna make you scream ooh! ♪

♪ We have sex, S-E... ♪

Hey.

Hey.

So, um...

school's probably gonna, you know,

want to move this thing forward.

Okay.

They're probably gonna try to kick you out.

Or... or worse.

So, when we get in there,

just let me do the talking. I'll try to get you out of it.

Cool.

(laughs) Do you know what "worse" means?

They may want to prosecute you

for a hate crime.

A'ight.

"A'ight"?

Roscoe? Roscoe?

(music continues muffled through headphones)

What are you doing?

What?

This isn't the person that you are.

Now, do you get what you did at all?

Yeah, I guess. No, no, hey.

Wait, hold, hold, no, no, no.

No, you...

you have no goddamn idea

how you went out there and poured more hate into the world.

No, Grandpa, I didn't put more hate in the world because I...

Oh, oh, yes, you did! Get over here!

Come here!

Take that shit out your ear!

(music stops)

You can't imagine

the-the kind of shit

that's out there in the world,

can you?

No, no, not the kind that I'm talking about.

You know, people...

people are killing people

who look like you

because of the color

of your skin.

Because of the way you act,

the way you dress.

Because you wear a fuckin' hoodie.

Pop. Yeah, no, no, no, no.

He needs to know this. He needs to hear this.

And you--

you take this sickness

and you've used it for your own cynical gains.

Do you get that?

Roscoe,

you've made a mockery

out of everything that people like you

have been suffering

through for hundreds of years.

Is any of this getting through to you, boy?

Is any of this getting through to you?!

God...

Yeah, it is, Grandpa.

I get it.

Okay?

I get it.

Yeah, I'll be there.

♪ ♪

(whooping)

Oh, that was awesome.

God, my panties are drenched.

Can you sign my titties?

Fuckin' asshole. (laughs)

Good to see you, too, Grant.

Fuck you, Marty.

Well, okay.

Well, I, too, am very happy that the sale

of your foundering, low-level firm went through

and now you are safely sucking at the triple-venti tits

of the new Kaan and Associates.

You're welcome, Grant.

My company was doing just fine

before the kill team from Global came in and snatched us up.

Now, I'm hearing that

Denna Altshuler is backing out?

Oh...

So now what, Marty?

Am I triple-venti fucked?

Well, that depends.

No, no, no.

I got two kids in college

and one who just decided

she wants to be a fuckin' professional dressage rider.

The fuck is that?

It's fuckin' horse ballet.

(laughing): Really? Yeah. Yeah.

And do you know how much

a dressage horse costs, Marty?

A ballet-dancing horse?

I'm gonna imagine it's pretty pricy.

It's $800,000.

Get the fuck out of here. That's right.

And you come in, hiding behind Global,

and gut my company after you and Jeannie

blew up Galweather, then you tell me

Grant... you can't pay my nut? Fuck you.

Listen. Fuck you, Marty.

Grant, listen, listen. Do you really think,

just because Denna Altshuler pulled out,

that I'm gonna, what, fold up my tent

and call it a day?

Fuck no.

I already got the financing in place.

And as soon as you sign this letter of intent,

we are gonna kill it out there.

You can buy your daughter two ballet-dancing fucking

horses with the bonus you will make this year.

You know what? While you're at it,

go out, get another vintage Ferrari.

And what assurance do I have

that you can even bonus me out

at the end of the year? Jesus Christ...

Come on, Marty.

You bought me out in stock options.

If K and A folds,

they're worthless,

and then I'm just another consultant

with his fucking dick in his hand.

I'm not signing that letter, Marty.

Grant... I'm sorry.

I'm already looking.

(laughs)

Okay.

♪ Marty Kaan is a douche bag ♪

♪ He's just a fuckin' douche bag ♪

♪ His mama named him douche bag... ♪

(Grant laughing) ♪ Oh... ♪

I'm not signing that piece of paper.

Fuck him!

'Cause for once in my life,

I have that motherfucker

by the balls!

Huh?

Balls!

Balls!

Took 'em out of my mouth. The words.

But... Grant, hey, hi.

Mr. Stevens, uh, I couldn't help

talking... Holy shit.

What? Guggenheim.

Yeah. Oh!

Oh.

Oh! Oh, I didn't... Yes.

realize we were that close.

Sure! Okay.

Hey, Grant!

Hey... You're super-drunk.

MARTY: Thanks, thanks. Oh. Oh, yeah, you've had a lot of beverages.

MARTY: Uh, hello. Good evening, everybody.

Who's that? It's nice to smell you.

I just want to say a couple words.

I see a lot of familiar faces out there.

Uh, most of them drunk. GRANT: Hey,

Marty Kaan!

Fuck you! MAN: Oh.

Whoa, take it easy. I mean, I know you guys

are pouring them pretty stiff behind the bar there,

but still.

(school bell ringing)

Roscoe. MARTY: Principal Andrews.

We've got a real problem, here.

Uh-huh.

And what is it?

Well, without being too explicit,

I think it's pretty clear who the culprit is.

Is it?

Do you think it's really

"pretty clear," John?

Have a seat, Roscoe.

(quietly): Dad?

Sit down.

I think what we need to do

is unpack this whole thing.

I mean, really... really drill down.

Find out what we're talking about.

Because I'm wondering...

are you willing to do the due diligence

that it would take to prove that Roscoe is the culprit?

Marty... What?

We have video.

John, what you gonna do?

Get a forensics team in?

Find some fucking DNA?

Huh? Go the whole CSI route?

'Cause that's where this whole thing is headed.

Correct?

Outside law enforcement.

Prosecution of a hate crime.

Trying Roscoe as an adult.

What is that, 15 years?

I mean, John, how many do you want to scare away?

500 tuition-paying students?

A thousand?

I don't even want to get into what starts happening

if my family gets litigious.

I mean, you've met his mom, right?

You want to deal with that?

Something like this drags on

in the press for months and years,

(bell ringing) John.

Or...

Or...

...the whole thing dies right now.

Right here.

Right in this room.

One coat of paint...

You'd be surprised how easily people can forget.

(quietly): Yeah.

You know...

I think we've all been through enough.

MARTY: And I, for one,

am relieved that we have come

to this understanding.

Dad...

Hey. Roscoe, just hang on a second.

You're doing the right thing, John.

No, Dad...

I... no. I just... I...

I just want...

I don't need to be protected.

You need to be careful right now, Roscoe.

"Be careful"?

Dad, I'm not gonna be careful.

I just... I don't want to lie.

I did a thing

because I was scared.

It was wrong.

And I think the best thing I can do

just to end this, is to stop hiding

and admit that that... is me.

That's me.

So whatever you want to do,

whether that's you prosecute me

or you arrest me,

you should do it.

Because I'm not going to live the rest of my life

as a liar,

to myself and to anyone else.

I'm not.

Okay.

(liquid splashing)

Oh, fuck me.

It's go time.

(exhales)

(indistinct chatter)

Hey, assholes.

A complete stranger goes in on us.

Mm. That's a hostile room.

Yeah. Well, hostile takeovers can have that effect

on people. You ever notice

how it doesn't feel as hostile

when you're the ones doing the taking over?

There's a lot of people in there that do not love us. Know why?

Fucking Grant Stevens.

Prick. He's poisoning the room.

And he still hasn't signed that goddamn intent letter either,

but he's fucking gonna. Excuse me.

No, no, no. Excuse me. We'll have all of those. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

As you were. Ah...

(Marty burps)

Fuck, where's Jeannie?

We need Jeannie here, man. It's the wholesome good looks.

They fool people. She's taking a car. She will be here, okay?

DOUG (chuckles): Good. "Taking a car."

(chuckles) I'm not gonna ask you what.

(Clyde groans) Well, since you asked, spreching of Uber...

Nobody was spreching of Uber, Doug. Listen,

can you please stop talking in German? Nein.

I can't. Nein. Don't say "nein." That's German.

The reason I'm clutching my phone and Bluetooth is because

any second we're gonna get the offer on our app,

and then, Marty, my friend, you can relax

because you will be strolling down easy street.

Stroll... Don't stroll. Not like that I won't.

Well, stroll however-however you stroll. Wait, so...

we are investing in Kaan and Associates with all of the money

we haven't yet made on the sale? No.

No offense. That a problem? If... Well,

if Marty will deal.

And I think he will. Right, partner?

Douglas, you have to stop, okay? What?

It... I think it's smart for us to diversify. Yes, it is.

(phone ringing) Ooh. Oh. Oh, shit. Okay, this could be them.

(exhales, clears throat)

Yes. Hello, this is Doug Guggenheim.

How may I help you?

Why are you walking away? Mm-hmm.

Yeah-huh. Ooh, glasses.

Your glasses are stupid. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Uh, goggles, goggles, goggles. You see what?

Sort of? Half a goggle. A monocle.

Uh, half, half... (quietly): It's Google. It's Google.

Why in the world are we letting him take this call?

I really don't know. Yes, yes, yes.

I'm authorized to negotiate.

Uh, I'm the numbers guy.

Great. Okay.

What? Uh-huh.

$40 million?

$400 million?

$400. That's... Okay.

No fucking way. Uh, yes,

that's very interesting. Very interesting.

Uh... why does that not sound right?

400. Oh, I know.

It's because I was pulling a whole bunch of comps

with my peeps today,

and I think the low end

is a little closer to $800 million.

Doug. Oh, yeah. Does that shock you?

Well, and I think you know it, too.

Oh, and while we're in the vicinity,

why don't we just step on over

to a little place I like to call Billion Dollar Town?

Oh, shit.

DOUG: That's right-- a billion dollars.

Holy shit. He's laughing.

We're laughing together. He's laughing.

Clyde. He's laughing. DOUG: What do you mean?

DOUG: What do you mean? What... Say that again.

$400,000?

(stammering): I don't understand.

You said... you said... you said 400.

Okay, you were... you were mumbling.

You were mumbling, so we...

it's not-not entirely on me, there. That's...

Ah... That is funny.

Stop-stop laughing for-for-for a second.

Um... okay, well, h-how about... how about this?

How about we just round it up to an even $500,000?

Yeah, you go, Mark Zuckerberg.

DOUG: Okay, so you're not gonna move on that 400?

One second while I...

So, mixed news.

Okay, so $400,000 is a decent margin.

I agree. And I think the VCs will double down

on our next project.

Exactly. It's a no-brainer.

A billion. Who was talking about that?

Let me do it. Give it. Great.

Okay, yeah, take it home.

I-I messed up a little bit.

DOUG (chuckling): $400,000. I can't fucking believe it.

Hello?

Hey, do me a favor.

Take your $400,000 offer,

stuff it in one of your autopiloted cars

and drive it off a fucking cliff,

because our app is off the motherfucking market. What?

No, it's not. It's... No, it's on the market. Yes.

We'll do it for 200! Okay, that was fucking hot.

I'm not gonna do it.

Okay, I'm not gonna end up like my father

who, at the end of his life, didn't have a goddamn thing

except for a fucking ugly cat, an alienated son

and a sticky bun stuck to the side of his face.

No, you know what?

This is what we're gonna do, Kelsey.

We're going to launch this app

independently, and then we are going to sell it

when it is undeniable.

Yeah.

That's what it is, right? Yeah, I like that.

That's what we do. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I like it. Yes. Yes?

Okay.

No!

That could take years!

(groans) 'Cause that was really...

Hey, there. How you do...?

What is the drug situation here?

Oh, we're gonna take great care of you.

Okay. Okay?

Bring me the man with the needle.

Oh, he's on his way. Okay?

Okay, I just want you to breathe right now.

Just breathe. Okay, you fucking breathe!

Okay, okay. Okay, just relax. (groaning)

Just relax. Give me the goddamn drugs!

Okay...

(Jeannie screams)

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, my... (crowd gasping)

Oh, fuck.

Oh! What the fuck is wrong with you?

Holy shit. Marty!

I didn't meant to hit him.

You didn't fucking mean to hit him? I mean,

I hoped I would, but I didn't mean

to hit him in the fucking head.

DOUG: Jesus!

(crowd murmuring)

Okay. (chuckles)

Okay, you motherfucker.

Don't move. Don't move, Grant.

All right.

Okay.

Just listen.

Everybody just fucking listen.

I'm through trying to be a nice guy.

Okay? I'm not.

I'm not a nice person,

but I'm good at what I fucking do.

I'm really, really good at it.

I know what I'm doing.

That's why I went out there and got all you guys, right?

All your companies so that we could, together,

be one bigger, better company.

'Cause I know, with you, we can fucking crush it out there.

I'm gonna make you wealthy.

I'm gonna make you whole.

I will make you better.

But you have to, have to, have to, have to stick with me.

Look, give me a year.

Can you do that?

Give me... give me one year.

Give me one year to make you all fucking rich.

CRAIG: You know what, I can.

I'm in.

WOMAN: Yeah. Yeah, I'm in.

MAN: I'm with you.

WOMAN: I'm in.

MAN: Yeah. Let's run with it.

(others murmuring in agreement)

I'm gonna come talk to you, Grant.

WOMAN: You got it. MAN: Yeah.

(indistinct crowd chatter)

(crowd gasps)

(band plays upbeat tune)

(indistinct crowd chatter)

Oh, shit.

I didn't mean to. Holy fuck.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

♪ Drink the smoky frog or Heady Topper in a can ♪

♪ If you got someone to grab ♪

♪ Then do it every chance you can ♪

♪ Yes, yes, yes. ♪

(yelling)

Just wait! Where do you want it, asshole?

Fucking wait! Punch him in the fucking...

Marty, listen. Fucking listen. Listen.

Just fucking listen, Marty.

Marty, guys, tattoo girl, okay?

I'm fucking sorry.

I had a little too much to drink.

Okay, I just drank too much!

There it is.

And I fucked up!

All right. Fuck!

(engine revving)

Holy...

(clears throat) Holy fuck.

(laughs)

That's a vintage 275.

Yeah, and a '62 Fender Strat, you fucking shallow prick.

It's all for you.

Is that a fucking 'nough?

Sign this goddamn letter of intent,

or spend the next five years of your life

in fucking court for attempted murder.

Your choice.

What do you want to do? I'm signing.

No, I would fucking sign it right now.

I'm s... Okay. I would fucking sign it right now.

Okay. Take the pen!

Help him, Doug. Yeah.

Hurry up. Sign it, asshole.

Fuck. Okay.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

The fuckin' car is mine?

(phone rings) Yeah.

Fuckin' car is yours.

And now I'm gonna borrow it.

You're too fucking drunk to drive anyway.

Can I at least keep the guitar?

Yeah. Get it.

(laughing)

(engine revving)

Fucking Marty!

(whooping)

Huh? (laughing)

(panting)

No fucking way.

I'm afraid so.

What happened?

Oh! Oh, don't worry about that. No, no, no, no.

It's okay. I just took one for the team.

Oh. Yeah.

(sighs) But, Marty... the party.

Oh, I rhymed. Look at that.

You're a poet.

But I didn't know it.

(both laugh, Jeannie gasps)

(Jeannie yells)

Okay. Yup.

(crying): No!

You're breaking my hand. Aah!

Just trying to get your huge-headed child

out my tiny vagina. Oh, God.

Take it easy, bitch.

I need that.

(groaning and gasping)

Yeah?

(loud breathing)

Just breathe, breathe, breathe.

(groaning)

(exhales)

(exhaling): Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Yeah. That's good. (exhales)

Marty...

Hey, listen, listen. I...

No, no, let me go first.

We did it. (exhales)

The company.

We saved it.

We fuckin' own it, and it's gonna be huge, and

you're gonna be co-president of the...

I took the job... at Davis/Dexter.

(soft groaning)

(sighing)

Yeah.

You had to.

It's too good to give up, right?

Well... oh, yeah. Is it coming again?

Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Okay, I'm gonna

take my hand away for this one. No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna take my hand...

No, no, no, no, no, no!

(whimpering) Yup. Mm-hmm.

Hey.

What?

I love you.

(Jeannie screaming)

(baby cooing)

You want to hold her?

Yes.

(baby fussing)

Shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

(laughs airily)

(sighs)

Oh.

Well, look at there.

My God.

Look at her.

She's beautiful.

Well, what are you gonna name her?

♪ We've no small emotions here ♪

♪ Nothing short of sad or happy tears ♪

♪ Shades of gray would only disappear ♪

♪ We've no small emotions here ♪

♪ There are no half measures here ♪

♪ In this world where madness interferes ♪

♪ Anything less it would seem insincere ♪

♪ But there are no half measures here ♪

♪ Nah-nah, nah-nah ♪

♪ Nah-nah, dah-dah, ooh. ♪