Original subtitles

What's up, faggots?

I just got a pumpin'. Pumpin'--

Something you faggots never do.

I worked up a fuckin' sweat.

Mm. Now, I need one of you pay pigs to come rinse me off.

You'd love that, wouldn't you?

Okay, on the count of three, I want you

to take a big fuckin' hit of poppers.

Now get those poppers ready.

One, two, three.

Sniff that shit.

I know you fuckers want to see what's under this

fucking tighty-whiteys.

- Just don't know if you fags deserve that.

I don't know. Do you wanna, wanna see my cock?

And those big fuckin' balls?

I want you to imagine that I just get back from the gym,

and you're waiting there with your mouth open...

just ready to clean my sweaty fuckin' balls.

Mm.

You want more?

You fuckers want more? Look, I know you do.

Here, grab those poppers, put them up through your fuckin' nose

and sniff.

You like this ass?

This...

...this white fucking ass.

I know you faggots wanna touch this,

put your face all up in it.

You smell that? That's a real man's fuckin' ass.

But...

...I don't let no one touch this ass for fuckin' free.

You wanna lick this ass?

You better run me some motherfuckin' money.

I want you pathetic-ass fuckin' faggots

to tap that fuckin' tip jar, and maybe,

maybe I'll whip out my fuckin' cock for you.

Matter of fact, matter of fact,

I want you to wire me all your fuckin' money, and maybe,

maybe I'll show up at your house and I'll shove this fuckin' cock in your fuckin' mouth.

Mm.

Oh, tonight, I got this fuckin' faggot

- spending 50 fuckin' grand on me.

And for 50 fuckin' grand...

...you faggots get a lot.

♪ When love is young ♪

♪ As fresh as dew ♪

♪ A song is sung ♪

♪ So warm and new ♪

♪ It winds its way ♪

♪ Bursts into blue ♪

♪ An April day ♪

♪ Turned into June ♪

♪ Summer is born ♪

♪ I walk the fields ♪

♪ There's warmth above ♪

♪ The thought it yields ♪

♪ Is of my love ♪

♪ A lazy stream ♪

♪ Its solitude ♪

♪ A summer dream ♪

♪ A quiet mood ♪

♪ Plays on my mind ♪

♪ The sum-- ♪

This 26 Fairpark?

You renting this place?

- Not gonna talk? - No, I...

...I can talk.

There's 25K in there.

You get the rest when we're finished.

When's "finished"?

In the morning.

All right.

What now?

Oh, I, I gotta, I gotta

set this. I'll just...

Just have a, have a seat.

Just get comfortable.

Is this what you want?

Just whatever makes you comfortable.

All right, uh...

...I just want you to start by telling me about yourself.

My name's Aaron Eagle, I'm from Miami.

I like to let these faggots worship me and collect their fuckin' money.

-That's why you're here. -Exactly.

Tell me more about growing up in Miami.

Growing up in Miami was fucking unbelievable.

When did you move to LA?

I moved here after high school.

Right after high school?

That's what I said.

What did you do?

Shit, man, you got me.

Got into the scene, you know. Tried everything.

You name it, I fucked with it.

I'm California sober now.

I'm sorry, "California sober"?

Yeah, it's like I drink and I smoke, but I don't do anything else.

That's sober?

A lot more sober than a lot of other people.

I guess you're right.

And if you wouldn't mind removing your pants.

I get the feeling you like having your clothes off.

- Is that true? - Yeah, for sure.

If you look like me, you'd wanna be naked all the time too.

Mm, yeah, maybe.

Come on... everybody likes to be looked at.

Is that why you got a tattoo on your face?

What, this?

Yeah. "Diablo."

Can you talk about that?

-What about it? -Why'd you get it?

That's what they call me.

-Who calls you that? -Friends.

-Who are these friends? Can you be more specific? -No more questions about that.

Hey.

I gave you every penny I have. That's the deal.

Shit, I'm not talking about this.

This, this isn't working.

-This isn't gonna work. -Hey, hey, wait a minute.

-You're not being honest with me. -I am.

This wasn't a good idea.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm sorry. Just keep the 25K.

Man, what do you want? You want me to suck you off?

-Is that what you want? -I only want you to be honest.

-I'm being fucking honest. -No, you're not.

-Man, you don't know shit. -You didn't grow up in Miami.

-I don't think you've ever been to Miami. -What the fuck do you know, man?

You don't know shit about me.

Please.

Please.

Not on camera.

I won't show it to anybody.

I can't trust you.

My name's Hank.

I'm a trustworthy guy. I promise. I swear on my life.

I'll buy us a pizza later.

Roll your camera.

I'll talk, but not about the tattoo.

-Okay? -Okay.

What do you wanna know?

Um, tell me about where you grew up.

I grew up in Maine.

Northern Maine. There's nothing up there.

Do you have any memories of it?

No. Not many.

- Why not? - I don't know.

Tell me about when you were 12.

Did you have friends then?

I liked being by myself.

- What did you like to do? - I don't know, watch cartoons.

I read a lot, I guess.

Ah. What did you like to read?

-I don't know, a bunch of shit. -Come on. Any books you remember?

I don't know. Uh...

The Handmaid's Tale was good, I guess.

I love that book.

Uh...

Tell me about your first sexual experience.

That's a hard one.

Why?

'Cause it was...

I don't know. I just don't like to think about...

There's nothing wrong with that. A lot of people could say that.

But it really fucked me up. Less people could say that.

I see.

Can you describe it, that experience, to me?

This is pervert shit, dude.

Just don't push me on that.

-Was it with a guy? -I said don't fuckin' push it.

Okay. Okay.

We can talk about that later.

Do you want a drink? I, I went out and bought some beers.

I didn't, I didn't know what you liked.

Uh, yeah, I'll take a beer.

I hope this is okay.

When did you become Aaron Eagle?

You wanna hear the pervy fucking story about how I became Aaron Eagle?

I know you do.

So I'm working as a dancer at this spot in West Hollywood.

It's right in Santa Monica. I'm sure you've heard of the place.

-And on a Saturday night, it's fucked around there. -I can imagine.

But this was a Tuesday. The place is pretty empty.

I'm dancing there in my jock for no one. So I'm just dancing.

There's a couple of people walking around, just having drinks or whatever.

I've only got a couple minutes left up there, and these two guys come in.

And they come right up to me and they put a dollar bill

right down the front of my jock, and they left.

Anyway, sun goes down, I'm off my shift,

I walk outside and I'm waiting for my ride.

I notice those motherfuckers just sharing a cigarette,

fucking staring at me.

And they hold out the cigarette, so I walk over and I take it.

And then they ask me if I want to come back to their place,

smoke or whatever.

So, I'm in the back seat of their car

- while we drive back to their apartment... - and we walk in

and it's this fucking nice, big apartment.

We go to the bedroom, and there's

this fucking California king bed or some shit,

and these two guys sit on it. I can't remember their names,

but one of them was Asian and one of them was white.

They pull out their bong and, you know, we smoke that shit.

And I remember there was a TV on...

...set to, like, a background or some shit.

You know, like it was asleep?

And it was just these...

...these different landscapes slowly moving, and...

...I'm sitting there, high as fuck, just watching

these mountains and woods and shit.

Man, I was so fucking smacked that...

...I didn't realize he'd started, like...

...feeling me...

...putting their hands on me kind of shit.

And they start kissing my neck, and...

...and their hands are down the front of my pants,

and, you know, I'm, I'm kissing them back.

Then I get the fucking Asian one.

You know, real hot, muscled up kind of shit.

But the white one, he's just...

...he's just watching.

Like, he's not hard or anything. He's just...

...he's just watching.

And the chink goes,

"He wants you to fuck him...

...but he wants it a little different."

See, he said...

..."He wants you to rape him."

You know, I never heard shit like that before because if it's...

If he wants it, it's not rape, right?

But it was this fucker's fantasy to be humiliated.

So the white guy, he takes, like, six fucking shots and he is pretty fucked up.

Then he starts... sucking my dick.

And then he asks me to hit him...

...and I do.

And this guy, he keeps asking me to hit him harder.

And the harder I hit him, the better it fucking feels.

So I am smacking the shit out of this fucking guy.

And then I pull him down, and he's eating my ass,

and I look back at the TV, right?

You know, with the, with the backgrounds,

and this fuckin' eagle just flies by,

right past the camera, by the mountain, and in that moment,

I pull him up from my ass

and I just smack the fuck out of him.

Like, I really smack the fuck out of him,

and then I flip him over and I fuck him as hard as I fucking could.

And... like, man, this guy was barely conscious.

He was so fucked up.

But he was still moaning.

And in that moment, everything fucking changed.

Like... I stopped thinking,

I stopped believing in every wall that society puts up.

Like, everything's fake. You know? That, that, that, that's how I felt afterwards.

Like, everything's just fuckin' fake,

because this guy, he wanted to feel the most

pain and embarrassment that he could.

Like, there are thousands of people out there who watch my videos,

who just want me to sneak in their house at night and fuck them up.

I had to chase that fucking feeling.

It's the most I can understand why I'm fuckin' here.

I, I, I feel good.

Shit, I feel fucking great. And everything before that night

made me feel like a piece of fucking shit.

But that night...

...that night made me feel

like I'm supposed to rape these fuckin' faggots,

because that's what I'm fucking good at.

Are you religious at all?

- I never was, but, shit, man... - I get it now.

Why do you say that?

The art of domination is spiritual or some shit.

Like, forget for a second that you're God to these fuckin' faggots,

but it's like... you're in charge of this faggot's soul and his mind.

There... What's that, what's that word in, in church?

It's like both people, um... they--

- Transcend. - Transcend. That's it.

Like, both people just fucking transcend.

Like, your faggot gives up control of his body, his safety and his mind.

He feels powerful in being so fucking small.

It's like...

Doesn't that kind of sound like fucking religion?

I mean, sure, I guess.

It does to me.

You like that word a lot, "faggot."

- I like that word because... - it means exactly what it means.

You're a faggot, you like being a faggot,

and it gets you off to think that you're a faggot.

- I'm not a faggot. - Yeah?

You're paying me all this money to look at me...

without my shirt on.

That's what a faggot does.

You want to see me talk some fucking shit in my underwear,

and I wanna be the fucking boss.

-I am the fuckin' boss. -That's not why I'm here.

- I don't wanna be your sub or... whatever it's called.

Then why do you watch my videos?

I watch them...

...to see you and know you.

I don't believe that for a fucking second.

Is that what you think this is?

You pay me all this fucking money

because you're so fucking lonely?

Want a friend? That is the most pathetic fucking shit

I have ever fucking heard. See, I figured you out, right?

- You wanna start recording? Yeah? - Is that what you want?

Look, I'm gonna leave, and you're still gonna be a lonely old fuck.

You wanna see me tell my little story on camera so you can fucking know me?

-What the fuck? -Okay, I shouldn't have done this.

-Damn right. -I, I wanna tell you something, Aaron.

You're a wonderful person outside of all of this.

You don't know the first fucking thing about me.

-All right? Just go fuck off! -I do know you,

-Aaron. -Bullshit! All right? I hope you got

-whatever the fuck you wanted! -Wait, Aaron.

-Fuck off. -I do know you.

Yeah? What's my real fucking name?

You keep calling me Aaron, but if you know me,

you'd know my real fucking name!

-That's what I thought. -It's Alex.

You're Alex McConnell.

Ta... take off your fuckin' mask.

-Take off your fuckin' mask! -No! No!

Um...

Mr. Grant.

Hi, Alex.

What, what the fuck are you doing here?

-I came to see you. -Why?

I've been watching your videos for a while,

and I, I, I had to see you.

You were fired while I was in high school.

That's right.

Hey, you fucked one of your students.

That's not true.

The technical term is "attempted assault,"

because I didn't. I let him go.

-Wasn't he, like, 12? -Alex.

Call me Aaron.

Aaron.

I know, I know this.

What do you want with me?

I-- Exactly what I said.

I wanna know you for who you are now.

You remember me, then?

Of course.

Of course I remember you.

We, um-- I had, I had detention with you.

It was just us most of the time.

I mean, you were in detention a lot.

Were you attracted to me?

Yes.

I was.

Why didn't you try to fuck me?

I hadn't tried that.

-And now you do? -I don't want to have sex with you.

I thought I would want to.

I want...

...to want to.

But more than anything, I wanna see you.

I wanna know...

...if I still love you.

Um...

Where's the bathroom?

Down the hall, in the bedroom.

Aaron?

I'll pay you another $5,000.

Please.

I haven't seen anyone from Bedford since I was 17.

- Must be a shock. - Fuckin' right.

I haven't even thought about anyone there.

I keep that shit out.

What, why are you laughing?

'Cause I've thought about you every day.

So, what, everybody at home knows you're a kid fucker

and doesn't want to touch you?

-Well-- -Sorry. "Attempted kid fucker."

Is that right?

- There's probably a more eloquent way of saying it...

...but, yeah, I guess so.

And, what, you just moved to LA?

No, I didn't move here. I'm just here for the night.

You don't still live in Bedford?

I do, actually, in the house I grew up in.

What the fuck do you even do there?

I've been bagging at the Shop 'n Save out on Hammond Road.

You're a fuckin' psycho, man.

-Right. -Obviously.

Why didn't you tell me who you were?

Because I thought you wouldn't talk to me or be open with me.

-Yeah, maybe. -There was so much talk about what happened,

and I wasn't sure of everything you'd heard, so...

Kids talk, man. I heard fucking everything.

I heard it was in the school bathroom.

And that you pulled him out of lunch to help you grade some tests,

but you took him to the bathroom instead.

Did you love him?

Like you say you loved me, did you love him too?

You don't wanna hear about this.

I told you everything. It's your turn.

No, I didn't love him.

Then why do it?

This one had a particular hold on me.

Why him?

He did this thing with his eyes.

He smiled at me sometimes, and he'd look at me

and then he'd look away for a second and then look back at me.

You know how dogs do that, where they look at you and it's almost like

they're uncomfortable or it's awkward and they--

and then they look away?

He did that.

He was innocent, like a dog is obedient.

He was very bright.

He was a lot like you.

So, then, what? You take him to the bathroom and, and you touch him?

-Just a little. -Did he try to get away?

He was confused at first, and then he became upset,

crying and stuff like that.

-And then what? -I let him go.

It was wrong.

I knew it was wrong.

I've always known it was wrong.

I have principles. I do.

Did he say anything? Did he scream or did he hit you?

I don't remember.

I don't remember.

You're a sick man.

- How can you be so cavalier about this?

How can you listen to that and smile?

I need another beer.

Aren't you gonna have one?

I don't drink.

But this is a special occasion, Mr. Grant.

Feels like you should have a drink with the love of your life.

All right.

It's really that easy?

You're just gonna abandon your, you know... principles?

For you, yes.

It's nice and clean in here.

It was like this when I got here.

Should we dirty this place up a little bit?

What do you mean?

You said you wanted to fuck me, right?

And, shit, I think I have to fuck you now.

You're down, like, 25 fuckin' grand.

- And it kind of turned me on to see you drink 'cause of me.

I don't know.

You said you wanted to fuck me, right?

- I said I wanted to want to fuck you.

I don't get the difference.

I've imagined our being together all these years,

and I, I want nothing else than to feel that desire again.

My dick doesn't have any feelings or thoughts...

or attitudes about sex.

I might, but this is a dick you've thought about,

and it doesn't.

It's just a little bigger and hairier.

Why, why'd you stop?

Maybe I'll try again a little later.

Why are you in love with me?

I should confess, it was a long thing.

Oh, really?

What was it about me?

I could tell you were lonely.

All of my students had their clique or whatever you'd call it, but you didn't.

When I had lunch duty, I would see you sitting

either by yourself or removed from other students.

And I know lonely. I've been lonely too.

So, were you attracted to me or did you just notice me?

Well, the attraction came.

I remember you always wore gym shorts.

So, I would look at your legs.

They were so smooth.

I guess I noticed you first.

I found myself looking for you in the hallway between periods.

It was like any love, really.

From what I gather.

I was attracted to more than your physicality, though.

I was both enamored with and turned on by your...

...quiet, brooding...

...soft...

...youthfulness.

Actually, you made my life quite difficult,

-or my job, rather. -How?

I, I had a heck of a time teaching.

You made me so nervous.

Oh, God, I worried that any wrong turn or jumbled idea

or crack in the facade and you'd turn against me,

you'd, you'd see right through me and discover me.

Every class was an act of self-flagellation.

Standing in front of you, hoping I had something insightful to say

was humiliating.

-Funny. -What, what's funny about that?

I wasn't thinking about anything at all.

You liked The Handmaid's Tale.

You know, Atwood, she, she has that quote.

I taught it in class. I don't know if you remember.

"I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only.

I would like to be that unnoticed and necessary."

How often do you think about raping me?

That's what it is.

I'm sorry

-if it hurts you to hear any of this. -It doesn't.

I don't care about who I was in Bedford.

That boy you loved isn't...

...isn't me.

I don't think that's true.

I still see him...

...in your eyes...

...your legs...

...your skin...

...your mind.

Lots of ways.

You might not wanna believe it...

...but...

...I think it's nice.

What now?

You don't wanna fuck me, you don't wanna do anything with me, so...

You were a good kid.

You were a nice, good kid.

Oh, fuck this. I need a cigarette. All right?

-Are you okay? -I'm fine.

What are you thinking?

I don't know. Nothing.

I'm sorry.

It's fine.

I need my pipe, my weed. Mm.

-Did you bring some? -It's in the bag that I brought. Can you get it?

Sure.

Hey, grab another beer while you're at it.

That beer's for you, big dog.

-You want me to drink another? -Hell yeah. I want you to chug it.

Oh.

-I don't think I can do it. -Come on, do it.

Yeah.

Hell yeah. Put her there.

- Fuck. That's it, man. I just popped a boner.

Oh. Excuse me.

Show off.

You smoke a lot of pot?

"Pot." That's funny.

Yeah.

Gets my, uh, gets my brain right.

Gets me right up here, you know?

What happens without it?

I don't know. Guess it's like everything else that gets me fucked up.

If I didn't have it, I'd probably go crazy

-thinking about all the shit I've done in my life. -Mm.

You know, for a while, I was doing the shit that killed my dad,

but, you know, then I stopped.

Why did you stop?

I don't know, friends didn't fuck with it.

The same friends who...

Yeah.

You listen.

I listen a lot.

Why don't you drink?

I stopped when I started going back to church.

I knew it. I knew that had something to do with it.

It was hard to stop too.

Uh, why even join that shit, man? Like, why put yourself through it?

Well, we went to church when I was a kid, and, and, and it felt right,

you know, to...

...go back, 'cause I felt very little control

after everything that happened, and then I was drinking a lot,

and... I just couldn't not think about what went on.

I needed a, a big thing to happen.

Something had to be different.

My priest knows I'm here.

No fuckin' way.

- What? -He didn't accept it, but I told him I...

...was gonna be away for today's service.

I explained you and everything I was doing.

It helps me to have faith in my purpose and, and feel like

there's something to govern my body.

Still, I can't help but think that...

...something's wrong.

I wonder a lot if there is purity in perversion...

...if it, if it makes me enlightened in some way.

It's, it's, it's kind of like what you were saying before about your...

-Faggots. -Mm, yeah, yeah. Those.

I'm tempted to think of my perversity as spiritual,

because I can't comprehend any other reason

why God would have created me this way.

Isn't there something religious or...

...spiritual about loneliness?

I feel closest to God

in moments of darkness and, and isolation.

And that's all perversity is, it's just loneliness.

I get that you're religious

and that you think your being a perv

make you special, but it might just make you evil.

Guess that's...

...somewhat accurate.

Look, man, I'm high as fuck,

and I want to fuck.

So what's it gonna take?

-Really? -Really.

What's it gonna take?

- Hold still. -Man, I can't believe I'm letting you do this.

-Why? -My faggots love my hair.

Oh.

Mm.

Mm. Stop moving!

-Are you gonna do my ass too? -Oh, yeah.

You really like 'em bald, huh?

You know, a lot of gay guys are turned on by the smell of a hairy dick.

Mm, that may be true.

Still...

...I'm not.

Does this turn you on, then?

Oh, yeah.

It might be a good idea if you wanted to role play.

You know, I know you're usually the dominant one, but...

Chug another beer, and I'll think about it.

Ice cold in here. Can we turn on the heat?

Oh.

It might...

...help me if you were a little, little uncomfortable.

Oh. Uh...

I don't know why I'm nervous. Shit.

Ah, that's good. Yes. That'll, that'll help too.

In order for this to work, you have to do what I say.

Can you do that?

-Sure. -I know you're not used

-to being in that position. -No, I can do it.

Come here.

Get down on your knees.

That's it.

-Mm. -What the fuck?

Fuck, man!

Yes.

Now...

...I want you to listen to me.

Have you ever seen another boy's penis before?

What? Okay. All right.

It-- This is fucking ridiculous. I, I never did this before.

Me neither. Can you please try?

Oh, yeah, I like the wide eyes.

Have you ever seen another boy's penis before?

I'm gonna show you mine.

Now, you can't tell anybody I did this,

'cause we could both get in a lot of trouble.

Kiss it.

Open your mouth.

Oh. You're so beautiful.

So beautiful.

Give me a smile.

Yeah, good job.

Good job.

Good job.

Oh, good job.

- Mm. - Oh.

Good job.

Oh. Look what you did.

Mm.

You really made me hard. Oh, God.

Just stand up for me.

I wanna show you how good that feels.

I love you, Alex.

So much.

Please get off.

Stop, Mr. Grant.

I don't, I don't wanna do this anymore.

Please. Please stop.

Please stop. Please, please, please. Please--

I couldn't help myself.

But that's no excuse.

You know that feeling right before you finish, when nothing else matters?

I know you know what I'm talking about 'cause you said it yourself.

You're a pervert too.

But, uh, I'm sorry.

It's fine, man.

You think I like doing that? I don't.

Uh, I, I hate to be so vulgar, but, ejaculating is a primal urge.

As, as much as I wanted to stop--

Can you stop your fucking teacher talk?

Oh, God.

-Oh, I'm sorry. -I don't wanna hear shit!

- All right? Don't say, "I'm sorry."

Don't say, "I'm embarrassed," anything!

I don't wanna fucking hear it!

You're a fucking pervert! And yeah, maybe I'm a pervert too,

but at least I'm not fucking you!

At least I'm not criminally horny.

You're right.

You think I haven't done shit like that?

That's nothing.

I'm not gonna fall asleep tonight thinking about that.

I'm gonna be thinking about how my fucking English teacher came to visit me.

It's a footnote. I won't remember it, really.

You taught me what a footnote was.

Just wait till you're older. You'll remember all of it.

You said...

...your first sexual experience was...

...uncomfortable.

Yeah, I, uh...

You can tell me.

It was my aunt.

After my dad died, she moved in with us.

That's when it first happened.

-How old were you? -Why? You gonna jerk off to it?

No, I'm not.

I just thought, I don't know, maybe you'd wanna talk about it.

I don't know.

I'm sorry anyhow. Sorry that happened to you.

Yeah.

Aaron, would you sing that song

you did for me that one time?

-The one you sang at the talent show-- -No, I'm not doing that.

- Come on. Please? - No, man.

There's another thousand in it for you.

That's all I've got, really.

Look, I don't remember the fucking song.

I don't. I don't remember how to fucking sing.

Singing's like riding a bike. It's muscle memory. You don't forget that.

Look, I'm sorry, but I fucking told you, I'm not the fucking same.

-Yes, you are. -No, I'm not.

You were so good.

I still can't believe Robbie Hanscom beat you.

He and that stupid puppet.

- I'm a better ventriloquist than that kid.

It's the biggest shame in Bedford Middle School history.

Yeah, next to you.

What was so funny?

In detention, it was just the two of us, and you said...

..."I wanna sing in the talent show, but I'm nervous."

And you started singing, and your voice is shaky.

And I thought, "Oh, man, nobody's gonna hear him sing.

He-- 'Cause he won't do it. He won't be able to do it.

They're not gonna hear his voice."

And you were singing that wonderful song.

And after the second verse, something happened.

Something happened, and you found that voice.

I, I...

...I just remember watching you and thinking, "He did it!

How brave!"

Almost like an angel.

I think I promised you a pizza. Are you hungry?

These places in LA deliver so late.

Yeah.

I've never been to LA before.

It's the Mecca of perverts. You'd love it.

I wish you'd stop calling me that.

Why? It's the truth, right?

Why can't it be something you don't put a word to?

-Or you could say "pederast." -What the fuck is that?

You know. Ancient Rome, where an older man

had a loving relationship with a boy?

Sex and stuff?

Well, yeah, among other, less salacious things.

You know, ancient Roman armies were infallible and respected,

and pederasty was often a kind of initiation

into those, those armies. I mean, into the whole culture, as a matter of fact.

I think it just kind of makes me feel better to think that I

could have been a Roman warrior marching into battle with his lover...

...and be celebrated.

What?

Come on, man.

Oh, what, what do you mean?

-No, never mind. -No, no, no, no. What do you mean?

It's just... you're eating pizza with a fucking fork.

You're not a fucking gladiator, dude.

-No offense. -No, I get it.

We who are about to die, salute you.

That's much better.

-You know, we should do something fun, Hank. -Like what?

I don't know, just try and lighten the mood.

-What do you like to do for fun? -Um, nothing, really.

Um, I don't, I don't go out much.

Can you not be a complete dipshit for two fucking seconds?

Well, there is something I like to do.

Yeah? What's that?

- All right, give me an adjective.

"Happy."

Okay. And now an adverb.

Um...

"Softly."

Okay, now...

- "Cock." - All right.

Another adjective.

-Hank. -Yeah?

Do you ever think about, like, "why?"

Why what?

Why you were born the way you are?

Gosh, I don't know.

-When did you know? -Jeez, Aaron, uh,

just give me another adjective.

"Sad."

Okay. Another adjective.

"Disturbed."

I see what you're doing. What are you getting at?

There must have been a time when you, like, realized.

I guess it was when I jerked off to the same middle school crushes,

until now.

I guess I still do that.

So you grew up with-- The people you're attracted to

stayed the same age, but in your head?

I guess that's right. Can we keep going?

-What was that kid's name? -What kid?

- The kid you tried to fuck. Come on, I really wanna know.

-You went to jail, I guess. -Of course I did. Of course I went to jail.

I got off with seven years. It wasn't statutory rape anyway.

-What was his name? -Aaron--

Come on, what was that kid's fucking name?

His name was James.

James Scott.

Man, his older brother was in my grade, right?

Man, I can't fucking believe that.

Only kid I ever knew named James,

and that fucking kid, he was a fag in training

since, like... age five.

What is your problem?

-It's just a joke, man. -It's not something to joke about.

It's not, it's not something to laugh about.

Damn, dude, I'm sorry. It's just a joke.

Don't you feel sorry for him?

Don't you feel sorry for yourself?

James left school, and then he came back, and he was never the same.

The school obviously didn't wanna out him as the victim,

but the kids knew. They always find out.

I bet he has friends who don't talk to him now.

I, I bet they stopped talking to him then.

I bet James felt really alone.

He's out of high school now.

Never went to college.

I see him at the Shop 'N Save sometimes.

Have respect. Please.

People just don't become pedophiles.

You must have always been one.

I don't know. I don't know.

Were you fucked as a kid?

-Aaron. -Tell me.

My grandfather before me had my same name.

His name was Hank too.

And I don't know if you ever knew this,

but I have an older brother and sister...

...and their names are Jason and Shirley.

But when it came to me, for whatever... fucking reason,

my parents went back to basics and decided to recycle the name,

and so I'm Hank.

And when Grandpa Hank came over,

my parents would take Jason and Shirley to Phillips Lake.

But I had to stay with Grandpa Hank.

Because I was his special grandson.

My mother said...

..."You're Little Hank, and he just wants to spend time with you." So, they left.

But not before my mother gave me a really good bath.

I think everything that was going to happen to me was decided

when the nurse wrote down "Hank" on the birth certificate.

Why didn't your mom do anything?

I wondered that for a long time.

And then, uh, one time I talked to her about it, I said...

..."You knew."

And you know what that woman said to me?

She said, "We gave him you because it was better than all three of you."

She's a cunt, Hank.

It was her father.

Imagine her childhood.

She may have been a bad person, but she didn't know to be better.

And, you know, my mother wasn't a pervert, she wasn't a pederast.

She didn't fall in love with a little boy.

Maybe you weren't born this way, then.

Doesn't matter.

And, Aaron,

I think you could maybe understand

the worthlessness I felt.

I didn't know anything could exist outside of that

for so long.

I haven't had sex for a long, long time.

And after tonight, I know I'll never have sex again.

-I'm sorry. -No.

-I'm really sorry-- -Nope.

It is not anything to feel sorry for.

It's a good feeling, really. It's a prideful feeling.

And I don't understand who you are now,

because I can't understand what you do

in front of the camera for anything.

You think your sex empowers you. It makes you weak.

That's what it does for everyone.

It's a horrible, horrible Achilles heel, to feel anything for sex.

I am so, so tormented by the thought

that my perversion doesn't make me closer to God.

Maybe it doesn't make me evil, but maybe it makes me nothing.

The thing that occupies my mind,

my consciousness, my whole being...

...doesn't have any worth at all.

I lied.

What?

I lied.

What are you talking about?

I wasn't molested or anything.

-I don't know my aunt. -Why are you saying that?

-Jesus, fuck, dude. -Why would you lie

-about that? -Because I have don't have a fucking reason.

My dad was a good person. My mom is a good person.

I've been loved every moment of my goddamn life.

But I, I, I know it, man.

I was born the way I am. I, I have that, that peace.

Like, I'm a massive fuckface, Hank, who's been left by the people I loved,

the person that I loved.

But in my heart, I know that that shit is not my fault,

because if I could have helped it, I would have.

"Diablo"?

Yeah, "Diablo."

Who called you that?

Raph. Raphael.

Who's that?

My everything.

- Where is he? - Mm, fuck if I know.

Probably in a K-hole with a bunch of twinks in WeHo.

- Do you wish you were there too? - I wish I was.

I really wish I was.

-How long were you together? -Three years.

Uh, I met him my first week here at a fucking warehouse party in downtown.

Wow.

But he found me out.

He really fucking did.

He discovered what I was afraid I always was.

Just loving him...

...the only way I knew how, just taught me that to my core,

I am a lazy, fucking, selfish, rotted person

that just never cares enough.

When we broke up, he said...

he said those were the best and the worst

three years of his life.

But you miss him, don't you?

My sex means something to me.

It's not worthless. It's how I am.

You know, I can show my faggots who I am,

and they fucking love me.

But you're lonely, Aaron.

Yes, you're-- Don't pretend you're not.

You are lonely.

Just thinking and talking about Raph is my favorite thing in the world.

Just watching a movie with him.

That's the thing I loved the most...

...was having...

Aaron...

...I wanna give you something.

Really.

Will you come with me?

I could always feel his breath.

He would go down on me.

He would go slower.

Yeah.

He would always go down on me from behind.

Thank you. Thank you.

Of course, Aaron.

Call me Alex, please.

Yeah.

Put it in me, Raph. Please.

Please. Please, please, please.

Please put it in me. Please.

Please.

Okay.

Give me a minute. Give me a minute.

Please, please put it in.

- Oh, God, I'm trying. I'm trying. - Please.

Sorry.

I can't.

I'm sorry... Alex.

Alex.

Aaron.

I'm sorry.

Me too.

I don't know what I was expecting.

Is this okay?

Yeah.

You look so innocent.

I know you're not.

But you really look it.

You really do.

He got away from me.

-What? -James.

I was gonna do it.

But he got away from me.

You didn't let him go?

I made some coffee. Do you want some?

-There's no sugar-- -I don't like coffee, but thanks.

Why, why are you smiling?

I have a hangover.

I haven't had one in years.

Uh, I gotta get going in a few minutes.

-You're not staying? -No, no, I can't.

I only got permission to be here for a couple of days.

Gotta return the car.

Yeah.

Was this a bad idea, Aaron?

Do you still love me?

Why the camera? The videos, all that shit?

My priest said something to me once that I didn't forget, and I instantly thought of you.

He said, "When you leave, all you take is your memories."

And I thought...

..."I wanna take mine of you with me."

I think I have everything I managed to pack.

I wanna get back for Sunday service. I can't miss that.

-Going back to Bedford? -Ha-ha.

Where else would I go?

What are you gonna do there?

I'm not sure.

Probably just keep working at the Shop 'N Save.

Do you need help packing?

No, no, I just finished inside.

I guess you should get going, then.

Yeah. I guess I should.

Before I forget, I have one more thing I wanna give you.

- Is it more money? - No, no, it's not more money.

It's just a little thing.

-Where did you get this? -You gave it to me.

Wait, what's the other one?

Just me.

I left the envelope in the bedroom with the full amount.

I have the place till 7:00, so you can hang out a while,

if you want to, do whatever it is you wanna do.

♪ When love is young ♪

♪ As fresh as dew ♪

♪ When love is young ♪

♪ As fresh as dew ♪

♪ A song is sung ♪

♪ So warm and new ♪

♪ It winds its way ♪

♪ Bursts into blue ♪

♪ An April day ♪

♪ Turned into June ♪

♪ Plays on my mind ♪