Original subtitles

(ominous synth music)

(eerie music)

(car engine rumbling)

(sighs)

- [Kendra] Your room's really cute right?

- I guess.

- [Kendra] Well, it'll be fun to go

to school and meet new friends.

- Maybe.

- All right sweetheart, I love you.

- [Jamie] Goodnight.

(door latching)

(ominous rumbling)

(dramatic music)

(switch clicking)

Are their mice down here?

(ghostly whispers)

- [Teddy Bear] I love a cuddle.

(eerie music)

(ghostly whispers)

(gasps)

- What are you doing down here?

- [Jamie] Looking for mice.

- Mice?

- Yeah I thought I heard them.

- Oh Jamie that's so gross.

- Look at all the animals I found.

- I see, but honey they probably belong

to the girl who lived here before us,

so we've gotta get 'em back to her.

- But I found them, they're mine.

- No honey.

Look, how would you feel

if you left all your stuffed animals when we moved

and somebody else took them?

- Pissed off.

- Exactly, exactly.

Hey, no language.

- Can I at least have one of 'em for tonight please?

- Only one and only for tonight, okay?

Go to bed, I love you.

Goodnight.

- [Man] Look we don't want 'em, we don't need 'em.

Anything left in the house after closing

is your property now.

We have no desire for you to go out of your way--

- It's really not that big of a deal.

I can have it shipped to you no problem.

- [Man] You don't need to ship 'em to us,

you don't need to go stand in line for two hours

with those government morons

in order to send us something we don't want and we don't--

- I was just trying to do the right thing, I figured--

- You need to listen to me right now.

My wife is very ill--

- Okay, okay. - And you're interrupting

time together, I can't-- - Okay, whatever bye.

Freaking asshole.

(eerie music)

(gasps)

(water dripping)

(Jamie laughing)

- I got in the closet when I wasn't supposed to

and I got some candy and I got so grounded.

- Hey.

Who are you talking to?

- Princess.

- Princess?

- Mom!

- Listen honey, I know you love your

princess, but if you could not mess with my wash please.

- I didn't.

- Okay.

Do you wanna watch a movie with me?

- Yeah.

- [Man On TV] Around my area.

Um, it's just that it's the closest

I've come to intimacy with a woman.

- [Therapist On TV] We all dance to the beat of our drum.

Her name's Emily.

- So you really like that thing don't you?

- [Therapist On TV] Interested in her are you?

- [Man On TV] No, no.

- Well, I guess it is pretty enough to be on a cereal box.

- [Man On TV] I said it was the most intimate.

I didn't say in and of itself--

- Silly rabbit, it's just for kids.

- Mom.

- [Therapist On TV] But you have a radiating--

- I thought it was funny.

Okay.

Okay, okay, do you want a snack?

- [Jamie] No.

- Okay, T.V. off, bedtime.

- [Man On TV] Do you think it'd be cool if I asked her out?

- [Therapist On TV] Evelynn?

- [Man On TV] Yeah, I mean I could just--

(dramatic music)

(TV chiming)

- Now this knife is so sharp it could cut through anything.

You could take a shoe, it'd cut through it

and then you could cut through fruit right after it.

It's perfect.

Give me the Shiv.

All right so you know I said this

could cut through anything.

- Anything? - Anything.

- [Chef's Assistant] Even bone?

- Bone? What are you a moron?

Of course it can cut through bone, give me the bird.

Just give me the bird.

We've got here a nice rotisserie chicken, okay?

I'm gonna show you how the Miracle Shiv

can cut through the bone like it was butter.

Ready for this?

Now watch this.

I cut the whole chicken right in half.

I mean look at that.

Perfect.

Look at how thin that chicken is.

I mean you could basically see through that.

You could make lingerie out of this and Victoria's Secret

would buy it from me, and that's how good this is.

Oh my god - Yeah.

- All right so what we're gonna do now is numb nuts

here is gonna cut up this pepper for us, okay?

All right numb nuts, come on.

Why do you have to be so mean to me?

Judas was a better assistant than this guy.

Seriously, just cut--

- You know what, you can cut the pepper your self.

Prick.

- The Miracle Shiv not only will cut your chicken,

it'll weed the assholes out of your friendship group.

Alright, now

here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna include two Miracle Shivs for the price of one.

So you're gonna get not only the Miracle Shiv original--

(dramatic music)

(ripping)

(door creaking)

(ghostly whispers)

(thudding)

(hissing) (ghostly whispers)

- Mom.

(groans)

Can I please sleep with you tonight?

- [Kendra] Why?

- I don't wanna be alone.

- [Kendra] Okay.

(ghostly whispers)

(dramatic music)