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1
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(ominous synth music)
2
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(eerie music)
3
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(car engine rumbling)
4
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(sighs)
5
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- [Kendra] Your room's really cute right?
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- I guess.
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- [Kendra] Well, it'll be fun to go
8
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to school and meet new friends.
9
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- Maybe.
10
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- All right sweetheart, I love you.
11
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- [Jamie] Goodnight.
12
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(door latching)
13
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(ominous rumbling)
14
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(dramatic music)
15
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(switch clicking)
16
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Are their mice down here?
17
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(ghostly whispers)
18
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- [Teddy Bear] I love a cuddle.
19
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(eerie music)
20
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(ghostly whispers)
21
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(gasps)
22
00:06:36,553 --> 00:06:38,173
- What are you doing down here?
23
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- [Jamie] Looking for mice.
24
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- Mice?
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- Yeah I thought I heard them.
26
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- Oh Jamie that's so gross.
27
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- Look at all the animals I found.
28
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- I see, but honey they probably belong
29
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to the girl who lived here before us,
30
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so we've gotta get 'em back to her.
31
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- But I found them, they're mine.
32
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- No honey.
33
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Look, how would you feel
34
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if you left all your stuffed
animals when we moved
35
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and somebody else took them?
36
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- Pissed off.
37
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- Exactly, exactly.
38
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Hey, no language.
39
00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:22,620
- Can I at least have one
of 'em for tonight please?
40
00:07:26,870 --> 00:07:30,260
- Only one and only for tonight, okay?
41
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Go to bed, I love you.
42
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Goodnight.
43
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- [Man] Look we don't want
'em, we don't need 'em.
44
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Anything left in the house after closing
45
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is your property now.
46
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We have no desire for you
to go out of your way--
47
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- It's really not that big of a deal.
48
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I can have it shipped to you no problem.
49
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- [Man] You don't need to ship 'em to us,
50
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you don't need to go stand
in line for two hours
51
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with those government morons
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in order to send us something
we don't want and we don't--
53
00:07:51,700 --> 00:07:54,150
- I was just trying to do
the right thing, I figured--
54
00:07:54,150 --> 00:07:55,010
- You need to listen to me right now.
55
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My wife is very ill--
56
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- Okay, okay.
- And you're interrupting
57
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time together, I can't--
- Okay, whatever bye.
58
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Freaking asshole.
59
00:08:09,527 --> 00:08:12,027
(eerie music)
60
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(gasps)
61
00:09:14,405 --> 00:09:17,155
(water dripping)
62
00:09:23,371 --> 00:09:26,121
(Jamie laughing)
63
00:09:30,006 --> 00:09:32,026
- I got in the closet
when I wasn't supposed to
64
00:09:32,032 --> 00:09:34,552
and I got some candy
and I got so grounded.
65
00:09:34,550 --> 00:09:35,380
- Hey.
66
00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:38,580
Who are you talking to?
67
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- Princess.
68
00:09:41,260 --> 00:09:42,870
- Princess?
69
00:09:42,870 --> 00:09:43,700
- Mom!
70
00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:49,910
- Listen honey, I know you love your
71
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:58,090
princess, but if you could
not mess with my wash please.
72
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- I didn't.
73
00:10:01,780 --> 00:10:02,610
- Okay.
74
00:10:04,470 --> 00:10:06,060
Do you wanna watch a movie with me?
75
00:10:06,060 --> 00:10:06,890
- Yeah.
76
00:10:12,690 --> 00:10:15,460
- [Man On TV] Around my area.
77
00:10:15,460 --> 00:10:18,890
Um, it's just that it's the closest
78
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I've come to intimacy with a woman.
79
00:10:22,950 --> 00:10:26,650
- [Therapist On TV] We all
dance to the beat of our drum.
80
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:30,070
Her name's Emily.
81
00:10:30,073 --> 00:10:32,333
- So you really like that thing don't you?
82
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- [Therapist On TV]
Interested in her are you?
83
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- [Man On TV] No, no.
84
00:10:37,730 --> 00:10:41,220
- Well, I guess it is pretty
enough to be on a cereal box.
85
00:10:41,220 --> 00:10:43,520
- [Man On TV] I said it
was the most intimate.
86
00:10:44,530 --> 00:10:46,420
I didn't say in and of itself--
87
00:10:46,420 --> 00:10:48,600
- Silly rabbit, it's just for kids.
88
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- Mom.
89
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,690
- [Therapist On TV] But
you have a radiating--
90
00:10:52,685 --> 00:10:54,595
- I thought it was funny.
91
00:10:54,598 --> 00:10:55,428
Okay.
92
00:10:55,431 --> 00:10:56,971
Okay, okay, do you want a snack?
93
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- [Jamie] No.
94
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:01,600
- Okay, T.V. off, bedtime.
95
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:04,230
- [Man On TV] Do you think it'd
be cool if I asked her out?
96
00:11:04,230 --> 00:11:05,390
- [Therapist On TV] Evelynn?
97
00:11:05,390 --> 00:11:07,010
- [Man On TV] Yeah, I mean I could just--
98
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(dramatic music)
99
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(TV chiming)
100
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- Now this knife is so sharp
it could cut through anything.
101
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,250
You could take a shoe, it'd cut through it
102
00:11:34,250 --> 00:11:35,540
and then you could cut
through fruit right after it.
103
00:11:35,540 --> 00:11:36,370
It's perfect.
104
00:11:36,373 --> 00:11:37,213
Give me the Shiv.
105
00:11:37,206 --> 00:11:38,506
All right so you know I said this
106
00:11:38,510 --> 00:11:39,340
could cut through anything.
107
00:11:39,343 --> 00:11:40,323
- Anything?
- Anything.
108
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:41,240
- [Chef's Assistant] Even bone?
109
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:42,810
- Bone? What are you a moron?
110
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Of course it can cut through
bone, give me the bird.
111
00:11:46,490 --> 00:11:48,630
Just give me the bird.
112
00:11:48,631 --> 00:11:51,151
We've got here a nice
rotisserie chicken, okay?
113
00:11:51,150 --> 00:11:52,480
I'm gonna show you how the Miracle Shiv
114
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,790
can cut through the
bone like it was butter.
115
00:11:54,790 --> 00:11:55,620
Ready for this?
116
00:11:57,631 --> 00:11:58,731
Now watch this.
117
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I cut the whole chicken right in half.
118
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I mean look at that.
119
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Perfect.
120
00:12:06,249 --> 00:12:07,079
Look at how thin that chicken is.
121
00:12:07,082 --> 00:12:07,922
I mean you could basically
see through that.
122
00:12:07,915 --> 00:12:09,495
You could make lingerie out
of this and Victoria's Secret
123
00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:11,820
would buy it from me, and
that's how good this is.
124
00:12:12,850 --> 00:12:14,150
Oh my god
- Yeah.
125
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,890
- All right so what we're
gonna do now is numb nuts
126
00:12:15,890 --> 00:12:17,850
here is gonna cut up
this pepper for us, okay?
127
00:12:17,850 --> 00:12:18,960
All right numb nuts, come on.
128
00:12:18,964 --> 00:12:22,634
Why do you have to be so mean to me?
129
00:12:22,630 --> 00:12:24,920
Judas was a better
assistant than this guy.
130
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:26,730
Seriously, just cut--
131
00:12:26,730 --> 00:12:28,950
- You know what, you can
cut the pepper your self.
132
00:12:28,954 --> 00:12:30,294
Prick.
133
00:12:31,844 --> 00:12:35,324
- The Miracle Shiv not
only will cut your chicken,
134
00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:37,970
it'll weed the assholes out
of your friendship group.
135
00:12:39,875 --> 00:12:41,455
Alright, now
136
00:12:41,463 --> 00:12:42,893
here's what I'm gonna do.
137
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:46,187
I'm gonna include two Miracle
Shivs for the price of one.
138
00:12:46,190 --> 00:12:49,450
So you're gonna get not only
the Miracle Shiv original--
139
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(dramatic music)
140
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(ripping)
141
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,617
(door creaking)
142
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:30,861
(ghostly whispers)
143
00:13:56,650 --> 00:13:58,900
(thudding)
144
00:14:20,309 --> 00:14:25,309
(hissing)
(ghostly whispers)
145
00:15:27,912 --> 00:15:28,752
- Mom.
146
00:15:29,622 --> 00:15:30,802
(groans)
147
00:15:30,802 --> 00:15:33,822
Can I please sleep with you tonight?
148
00:15:33,817 --> 00:15:35,687
- [Kendra] Why?
149
00:15:35,690 --> 00:15:37,770
- I don't wanna be alone.
150
00:15:38,908 --> 00:15:40,238
- [Kendra] Okay.
151
00:16:14,606 --> 00:16:17,916
(ghostly whispers)
152
00:16:17,923 --> 00:16:20,763
(dramatic music)
10349
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