Original subtitles

Sync and corrections: minouhse www.addic7ed.com

Yeah... I think we're OK. No villagers with flaming torches and pitchforks.

- Mind you, it is still quite early. - You're not funny, you know?

You don't have to do this.

- You can just take the day off. - Why would I do that?

Perhaps because you didn't get a wink of sleep.

- Says who? - We've been married 30 years.

Do you think I don't know the difference between you sleeping

and you just lying there all night with your eyes closed?

What?

Nothing, I'm just trying to work out if that is sweet or creepy.

- I'm fine, I promise. - All right, OK.

And we've been married 31 years, by the way.

I know that. I'm just rounding down.

Carol!

- Oh, do you think I should go... - No, she's going to work, leave it.

You're right. Baby steps is what's needed here.

And I need to work out exactly what I'm going to say to all of them.

The last thing I need to do now is to rush.

- Is she looking? - Dunno, your head's in the way.

- Do you want me to check or... - No! No!

Otherwise, you might make eye contact.

And then you'll have to wave.

And I'll have to wave.

And the whole thing will just seem sarcastic.

Maybe...

drive away, then?

I'm gonna drive away.

I don't...

I mean, it's just unbelievable.

Oh, Roxanna, can I have a quick word, hon?

OK...

Sorry, can I just...

For God's sake!

Oi!

Didn't you see them?

- Didn't I see who? - Rubber-neckers.

Who?

The people staring at you like you're in a zoo exhibit.

- What people? - The couple who live opposite.

I wouldn't mind, but they never even come in here.

- Well, maybe they will now. - Not after what I said to them.

What?

- You should sue the radio station. - Nah, I just want to forget it.

We should at least sue Maggie Cole. You know, she was always like this.

She used to work at the school when I was there.

She sent me to the old Headmistress for pretending to smoke.

- Pretending to? - I was only eight years old.

It was only a bit of rolled-up graph paper.

Go on.

Sue her. It'll be fun.

I told you, I just want to forget about it.

If you see any more rubber-neckers...

don't swear at them until they've bought a pint, eh?

This is still a business.

- Is something wrong? - No.

It's just Liam sent me another one of his unfunny jokes again.

_

You really didn't need to come with me, you know?

Moral support.

Hello! This is a nice surprise.

Yeah... You might want to hold that thought, Maggie.

Sorry?

I think we should go inside, Mum.

No infection, no inflammation and...

certainly no novelty pencil eraser.

But he said he shoved it right in, all the way.

Mrs Jarvis, if he had,

then, I assure you, he'd either be completely deaf or completely dead.

As he appears to be neither, I'm going to suggest he's lying or it...

simply fell out.

My Tommy don't lie.

Then I refer you to option B.

Right.

Of course, you know where he got it from, don't you?

A school trip up the Keep.

- That Maggie Cole runs it, don't she? - I've no idea.

Yeah. Yeah, she does.

I was just reading about that radio interview she gave, actually.

Yes, well, if I were you, Mrs Jarvis,

I'd spend less time worrying about what some...

Hang on. What do you mean, reading?

Reading about it where?

Do I get a lolly now or what?

Yeah, after some lunch.

Well, what am I looking at?

Your interview, Mum.

And...

- it's trending. - Trending?

Number two in the county, number eight in the country.

Slap bang between the X Factor final and International Pets Day.

But I don't understand.

Someone posted it last night, since then it's been retweeted, like...

- 1,200 times. - Oh, God...!

- It's basically become a meme. - A meme?

Yeah, you know, like the woman that punched the horse.

- Becks... - I'm just explaining it to her.

Oh, God...

The things people are saying.

They're just trolls, Maggie.

- Thurlbury Castle. - Fort.

- Keep. - Keep.

Yeah, she is.

- Mum? - Yes.

- Dad. - Right.

Peter? Peter? I'm a meme!

I know, love. I know.

8,000 retweets...

in 24 hours!

There aren't 8,000 people in Thurlbury!

That means absolutely everybody's seen it by now.

Even the bloody Queen has probably seen it.

Right, well, that's my OBE up the swanny, then.

What are you doing?

What do you mean, what am I doing? I'm looking out the window.

Why can't I look out the window?

- It's my window! - Right.

I like to think of it as our window, but that doesn't...

- Oh! Oh, oh, oh... - Now where are you going?

Carol...

Carol, please, wait.

- Carol! - What?

I just want to say that... I'm sorry.

- Well, now you have. - And I want to let you know

that I am gonna make it right, all of it. I am.

If you could just hear me out for five minutes. Carol, please!

- You're gonna have to talk to me eventually. - Why?

Well, because... Because you're my doctor.

Go private.

- Hi, Emil. - Hey.

I see you've had a run on Marcus Ormansby's.

People buy them to see if they appear in them.

Which they don't.

Are you OK?

No, Jill, no. It's not been a good day.

Ditto.

Is Roxy at home?

She came straight home and straight to her room.

Just like when she was a teenager and she was upset.

I never knew what to say for the best then, either.

Well, judging from how she's turned out,

I'd guess you always managed to say the right thing.

I hope so. Thank you, Jill.

Well...

I never actually read one.

Plus, I kind of like the title.

All right, kidda?

- Where's your mum? - Upstairs.

Dad...

Are we millionaires?

What are you doing? Come on, you don't want Josh seeing this.

I think it's a bit too late for that, don't you?

We said we weren't gonna touch it.

We said we'd leave it for a year. And only then spend it in small amounts.

I know, I just...

We were just sitting on it, though, Kelly. 70 grand!

I just wanted something to make it feel real, you know?

A sports car, Neil?

I mean, couldn't you have gone with a new TV or something?

I'm surprised you didn't get a personalised number plate to boot!

Oh, Neil, you haven't?

K-E-L-L-1-3.

I know you're Kelly with a Y, but that was already taken, so...

- It's on order. It's supposed to be a surprise. - Well, it was! It is.

You may as well have got one that spelt out thief.

Don't say that, Kelly.

We didn't steal anything. You know we didn't, we just...

We took advantage of an opportunity.

That's all.

And nothing has changed.

Nothing's changed?

Neil, the entire village thinks we've won the lottery.

Well, maybe that's the answer.

- What is? - What you just said.

What?

If the entire village thinks we've won the lottery...

who's to say we haven't?

Carol?

I take it you've heard what the number one trending topic is.

I have, yes.

- Are you gonna tell me where you've been? - There.

Really? On a Monday?

Must've been a bit of a surprise.

And how exactly did you explain that sudden little...

It's over.

What?

I ended it.

It's over.

It was too soon, wasn't it?

Me trying to talk to Carol, it was too soon.

- I thought you didn't want to talk about this. - I don't want to.

- And I'm not talking about it. - Right, then.

It was too soon, wasn't it?

I don't know, Maggie.

You know, it's not like there's a set of rules for this sort of thing.

- But if there were? - I don't know.

If there were,

maybe something like, you know,

if you are going to publicly announce on the radio that,

that a woman's husband is having an affair with a man...

maybe give it, you know, 48 hours before bringing it up.

- And I gave it 24. - You gave it 24.

- Probably where I went wrong. - Probably where you went wrong.

- It'll be 48 hours tomorrow. - Oh, you...

Sorry, sorry.

- Morning. - Nothing!

It's...

Jamie...

What's up? I'm running late.

- I'll miss the team huddle. - Estate agents huddle?

Yeah. Estate agents huddle. Why can't they huddle?

I don't know, I suppose they can if they want.

You might want to forgo this one, though.

Why?

Becka, why am I forgoing my huddle?

Well, that's something I bet you never thought you'd say out loud.

Sorry, I'm just trying to lighten the mood before you flip out.

I should've left ten minutes ago. What's so important I'll flip out?

Yeah.

That'll do it, all right.

Do you need a huddle?

It says I broke the internet.

Did I? Did I break the internet?

I think the internet'll be all right.

I can't believe they've done this. What will they all think?

I almost wish it was my photo splashed over the front cover.

Do you?

Well, turn to page three...

- That's from the Halloween disco. - Must be from the school website.

Yeah, but there's loads of much better pictures of me on there.

It's as if they've chosen this one deliberately.

Yeah, it does get worse. They've got your age wrong, too.

What? What?

64?!

Hello?

It's Jamie.

Tell him I already know.

She already knows.

Does she know about her age?

Is she OK? Is she handling it?

Yeah, yeah.

She's just... Hang on two secs, Jamie.

Here, here...

You can take the car today. I've decided to call in sick.

Where are you going?

Where do people usually go when they call in sick?

To see the doctor.

No... No, wait, Maggie.

Maggie!

Oh, shit!

Sorry?

Reckon he's seen the paper?

I don't know. I don't care. It's not true, anyway.

Don't do that here.

What, outside Mr Big's?

Aw, you're sweet.

Do you still believe in the tooth fairy, too?

Hey, if it means I'm getting a fiver under my pillow, then, yeah.

As if anybody is paying a fiver for your teeth.

Why, what do you mean? What's the matter with my teeth?

Nothing, Liam.

They are very, very nice teeth.

It's your brain I'm worried about.

- See you tonight. - Yeah.

Oi, Syd...

Look, now it's all out in the open...

- why don't you just ask him? - Sure.

I'll get right on that.

- Morning. - Morning.

- What's she doing here? - She asked to see you.

I asked what it was about, she said it was personal.

I told her, "You can't see the doctor without a medical reason."

She said she had one. I said, "What is it?"

She said, "It's personal."

I said, "If you don't tell me what it is, I can't put it on the system."

"And if I don't put it on the system,

- "you can't see the doctor, end of." - Yes, and?

Trench foot?

- "Concerned parent 86." - Sorry?

Oh, this woman on our website.

Well, I assume it's a woman. Sounds like a woman.

Keeps making all these sort of poisonous little posts.

"In light of recent events,"

"do other parents agree the Headmaster's position is untenable?"

"Blah, blah, blah, conflict of interest."

"Whinge, whinge, whinge, best for the school."

I mean, as if any of this is Peter's is Mr Cole's fault.

If you ask me, he's the real victim here.

Oh, after you lot, with your pictures in the paper, obviously.

Oh, Jill. Hello.

Roxanna's not feeling very well, so she's gonna go home.

Oh, right. And what's... What's wrong?

I've got a free period, so I'm gonna drive her.

Yeah, of course.

It's all getting a bit out of hand, isn't it?

Radio, internet, newspaper, and all because of one woman.

Oh, did I hear you say Roxanna was going home sick now?

I don't know, Karen. That would depend on

if you were listening to our conversation.

- No, I was not! - Well, then, presumably

you didn't hear me say anything of the sort.

Well...

Only, if she is, then I need to update my system, do you see?

Well, if you were listening in and you did hear me say it,

then you'd better update your system, yeah.

It's a tricky one, isn't it?

Not one word of any of this is true.

- You do know that, don't you? - Of course I do.

Poor Roxanna.

Is she OK?

- What's she said about it all? - She's fine.

Really?

Yeah, honestly.

- She's good. - So, I've heard.

I read it on a toilet wall.

- It's not funny, Liam. - It's a bit funny.

Go and get changed. You're coming with me to visit Nana.

Me? Why can't he go?

Because, unlike you, I have a job.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I've heard of those.

You did have another one, didn't you? A better one.

And then you packed it all in to come back here, to Thurlbury.

Well, it's because I missed you, Liam, so, so much.

Will you go and get changed?

At least the T-shirt.

What's wrong with it?

- It's got a cannabis leaf, bellend. - Who are you calling a bellend?

Anyway, she won't know what it is.

Half the time, she doesn't know who I am.

- Oh, lucky her! - Liam...

All right. God...!

See you tonight, then, Mum.

You don't regret it, do you?

Coming back, I mean.

Only, I do sometimes feel guilty that maybe you just...

Mum, it's OK.

Big city life wasn't for me.

I needed to get out, trust me.

I'm glad you did.

These last few months, everything that's happened.

Mum going into that home and...

And your dad.

I don't know how I would've got through it.

It's OK.

You really shouldn't call your brother a bellend, you know?

All right.

She is, yeah.

Are you sure?

Mrs Cole...

- The doctor will see you now. - Ah, thank you.

You know, Roxy, nobody actually believes a word of it.

Kids at school don't. I don't. I know for a fact that you dad won't.

It's tomorrow's fish and chip paper, that's all.

Alex hasn't even spoken to me since.

And it's not like he'd believe it. At least, I don't think he would.

It's more likely he's worried how it would look to his mates.

Oh, he's an idiot. What can I say? He doesn't deserve you.

And if it makes you feel any better,

I happen to know that Geoff Gill in 3C has a huge crush on you.

He's eight!

Well, I'm not saying you don't have a long wait in store.

I'm just saying you've got options.

That's better.

Don't let the buggers drag you down. That's what my gran used to always say.

- I know I'm not. - Thanks for driving me home.

What goes around comes around, Roxy.

You'll see.

Marcus? You're Marcus Ormansby, right?

I am, yes.

No, before you ask, my books aren't based on anyone in this village.

Already had three people stop me this morning.

No, no, no, no, no. Sorry, I'm Jill.

Jill Wheadon.

I'm one of the outed six, too.

The outed six?

What? Oh, you mean you haven't...

Oh, OK.

What the...

"Radiogate"?

Are you kidding me, that stupid interview?

- How is this front-page news? - Huh, welcome to Thurlbury.

If it's any consolation, it is quite a good picture.

I'm not surprised, it was taken about seven years ago.

Yeah, well, mine was taken about a stone and a half ago.

So, I guess we've both been lucky on that front.

Well, this certainly explains the funny looks I've been getting.

Thanks, I guess.

Actually...

I'm a teacher at the primary and I was wondering if you might...

Oh, God, I mean, say no if you like,

but would you be up for coming in sometime,

giving the kids a little talk about writing and that?

- I'm sure they'd love it. - I'm not exactly JK Rowling, you know?

I doubt any of them have even heard of me.

- I think they have. - Fair point.

All right, sure, why not?

I suppose us outed six...

need to stick together, right?

Right.

So, hopefully, you are now suitably reassured

that you are definitely not suffering from a malady

that's gone unreported amongst the populous since at least 1949.

- I've also got a sore throat. - Well, there's a lot of it around.

It usually clears up within 24 hours.

If it doesn't, I should probably come back, like, tomorrow.

Possibly the next day.

Maybe even the day after that.

Until it clears up.

You have exactly five minutes.

Carol... I am so, so sorry.

- You've already said that. - I know. But I need you to...

I mean, yes, I could stand here

and try to tell you that that stupid reporter got me drunk

and then he asked me lots of leading questions

and then he edited the whole thing together completely out of context.

I could try and tell you that.

- You pretty much are. - But I...

I don't want to do that.

Even though that is the whole truth, by the way,

I don't want to do that. I want to make it right.

I want to fix whatever issues I may have caused,

completely inadvertently,

between you and your husband.

Honestly, Carol, that is all I care about.

Have I caused issues?

I'm sorry, Maggie, just to be clear,

are you actually asking me whether your radio announcement,

regarding my husband having a homosexual affair behind my back,

might possibly have caused a teeny, tiny rift in our relationship?

Well, sort of.

But mainly how I can make it better.

I'm a good listener, if that counts for anything.

I mean, look, regardless of what I may or may not have said,

edited, completely out of context,

I do know you and your husband obviously love each other very much.

- You used to have a... - It's in the drawer.

I put it away after every single patient that came in

started looking at it and asking me questions.

Or worse, looked at it

and deliberately went out of the way not to ask me questions, just...

awkwardly sat there instead,

giving me that awful, sad, sympathetic head tilt people do.

I hate that look.

Would you like to know the truth, Maggie?

- Well, I... - I think you deserve it.

And when I say that, I don't say it in a good way.

I've got to head out. In fact, I won't be back until closing.

The brewery's got this thing with the suppliers.

It's gonna go on late.

- A party, is it? - I hope not.

Look, are you gonna be all right to handle things, lock up and that?

- Double time. - Triple.

I'm kidding, kidding.

Nah, of course I'll be all right. You get off.

I appreciate it.

Brian...

You know nobody believes that rubbish, don't you?

OK, to put it another way...

you know, if they do, they're just as loony as she is.

See you tomorrow.

Yeah, something tickling you all?

My mum said you married a froghorn.

I suspect she said foghorn, actually, young Hayley.

Did I hear you got a gold star recently for your 12 times table?

Yes, sir.

Very good.

Do you know, I used to teach your mother.

I remember she always had a lot of trouble with the old 12 times table.

So, why don't you get her to recite it tonight at tea-time?

Good girl.

Jill.

So...

How is she? Roxanna.

Upset, hurt, confused.

And you? So...

No, no, stupid question, sorry.

It's not your fault.

I know she's texted you a dozen times.

And I know you haven't replied yet.

And I don't blame you.

Jill it's breaking her heart.

If you can just talk to her...

His son?

That's right, Maggie.

That's who your friend of a friend saw him with.

Not his lover, I'm afraid, just his son.

From a previous marriage?

No, I mean from his current one.

There never was another man, Maggie, but...

there is another woman.

We met at a pharmaceutical conference he was repping it.

It started as an affair, of which I've had many.

And then it became something else.

Something I'd always been looking for, never believed I could have.

A family-free, child-free,

completely committed, non-committed relationship.

And marriage, of a sort.

I think the word you're clawing your brain for here, Maggie, is bigamy.

Care-free, victimless, Monday-to-Friday bigamy.

Not in the legal sense, of course. He was never actually my husband.

But move a ring one finger down and, er...

people stop asking questions.

Of course, that's all over now, isn't it?

Your edited, out-of-context interview has seen to that.

He chose me.

And now I've got everything I never wanted. Just...

him and me forever and ever

till nervous breakdown do us part.

Oh, that's some hot gossip for you, isn't it?

Juicier than any you got your 15 minutes of fame over.

Will I be seeing it on Loose Women tomorrow afternoon?

I don't... I...

I won't tell a soul.

Oh, I know you won't.

And it's going to absolutely kill you, isn't it?

Well...

I think that's our time up.

Christopher, isn't it?

Is your mum home?

Hello.

What did she actually say, Mum?

Nothing.

She can't have just sat there in silence. Must've said something.

Well, she told me I don't have trench foot.

Oh, well, there we go, then. Every cloud, eh?

Maggie...

Jill...

Right, I think we should...

Come on, come on.

Peter thought that I should come and talk to you.

I don't see the point, myself. I mean, what can you say?

I'm sorry?

But I am sorry.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure you are.

After all...

you've come out of this a lot worse than I have.

Have you...

still got that notebook?

With your planning for Thurlbury's big anniversary celebrations?

- Well, yes, I have, but... - Good.

I think it might be better if you give it to me.

You don't really think that you can still do it, do you?

Not now.

Surely, even you don't think that.

But I'm Thurlbury's local historian.

You run a gift shop, Maggie.

You just run a gift shop.

Can I have the notebook?

Thank you.

I'll see myself out.

- Well... - Well, that was pretty brutal.

Mum...

- Are you OK? - No.

No, I'm not OK.

Pissed off is what I am.

I'm pig bloody sick of it!

All of it!

I did nothing wrong!

Well, all right, yes, technically, I did do something wrong.

But I'm not the one who stuck it on the radio.

I didn't twittle about it on the internet.

I didn't splash it all over the newspaper.

I'm not gonna be made to feel like a pariah in my own village.

In fact, do you know what we're going to do? We're going to go out there, all of us.

We are going to walk to the pub with our heads held high.

We're going in there, we're gonna sit down,

we're gonna have a drink, as a family, just like normal!

What do you mean, like normal?

We have literally never done that, ever.

Well, maybe it's high time we did.

I think you're going to have to spend the next 40 years of your life

trying to make it up to her.

And at least a quarter of that sleeping in the spare bedroom.

But we've both agreed that's where your home is.

She's waiting for you now.

And us?

Alan...

you know that this would never work.

You know that this was never the deal.

You love me.

I love you.

You love her.

That was what worked.

I mean, everyone thinks I'm the victim here.

That's not a role I can play.

No more than I can play the role you need from here on out.

We both know that.

Is it just me or does it feel like

somewhere, a piano player just abruptly stopped playing?

OK, if you... you can get them in?

- Yeah. - And I'll just find a table.

- This one's free. - The one right in the middle?

Yes, the one right in the middle. Yes.

- All right, sir? - Oh, Liam, you got a job.

No. The girlfriend asked us to give her a hand

while the boss man's away on business.

Actually, after what I've been reading,

- it's lucky for you that he is. - Oh, you can read now, can you?

Ah, well done. I knew you'd master it eventually.

- What? - Two and a half pints of Thurlbury

and a rum and Coke, please.

That's perfect.

I... I don't know, Neil.

The numbers look wrong. It's a different, like, thingy, font.

What? Nobody's gonna notice that.

It's basically just for show. The hard part is over.

She might not know it, but Maggie Cole's seen to that.

It can't be a lie if everyone already believes it now, can it?

Well, at least everyone's stopped staring now.

Well, most of them have.

Well, those two have.

Actually, Mum, I think they're German tourists.

Let them stare as well, if they want. Who cares, you know?

So, it was the right move.

It really was, Mum.

Oh, yeah, it's not awkward at all.

What? I said it wasn't awkward.

Oh, God.

What's she doing in the pub? She's a doctor.

It's fine. I doubt she'll even want to come...

And here she comes.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Maggie. - Carol.

I just want you to know that everything you said was true.

- I don't really... - I got the whole story out of him tonight.

He was living a lie and he made me a part of it.

So, he's gone.

Don't get me wrong, you had no right to discuss my life in public.

No right.

But...

if you hadn't, then...

I suppose I never would've found out the truth.

So, as far as I'm concerned...

that's the end of it.

- How's your sore throat? - Oh...

Yes, lovely, thank... Better. Much better.

Glad to hear it.

Well, that was nice, wasn't it?

Now, I bet you're glad you came, aren't you?

So, the doc's fella really was doing the dirty on her, then, eh?

Apparently.

Kind of makes you wonder what else she was right about, don't it?

No. It doesn't.

Hey, come on.

Baby steps, just like you said.

You know, one down, five to go.

Let's be honest here, she was always gonna be the hardest one.

Probably, yeah.

I'm gonna go on up.

OK.

I am so sorry, Kelly. I really am.

There was a woman who called me yesterday from the Daily Mirror.

- Daily Mirror? - What exactly did they ask...

about our family?

What's to ask? What's to tell?

No skeletons in our closet, thank you very much.

I've managed to arrange for Marcus Ormansby to come in.

You do know his books are all violence, murder and death?

Let's get out of here before she insists on a full cavity search.

Disgusting!

I've got your money.

Do you not think it's a little bit too late for all that?

- Maggie, what is it? What's wrong? - Everything is wonderful!

The most amazing news!

Text me, yeah?

You mean, you and Marcus?

- What am I gonna find there? - A gun.

It's got to be drugs, hasn't it? Some kind of drop off.

We have to call the police.

Do we?

Sync and corrections: minouhse www.addic7ed.com