Original subtitles

IT SEEMS LIKE HAPPINESS

IS JUST A THING CALLED JOE

HE HAS A SMILE THAT MAKES THE LILACS WANT TO GROW

HE'S GOT A WAY-

HEY!

I SURE CAN'T SEE NOTHING THROUGH THIS THING!

GET AWAY FROM THERE, YOU!

OF COURSE YOU CAN'T SEE NOTHING. THE DOME'S CLOSED.

THE WHAT'S CLOSED?

THE DOME. THAT BIG ROOF UP THERE.

MM-HMM.

AND LISTEN, BOY.

THIS IS THE MOST POWERFUL THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

THERE AIN'T NOTHING IT DON'T SEE.

CAN IT SEE 100 MILES?

MAN, THIS CAN SEE THE ANGELS.

CAN IT SEE WHAT MY GIRL'S DOING IN CINCINNATI?

QUITTING TIME, MEN.

YES, SIR.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT. A NEW COMET.

ENTIRELY NEW.

DISCOVERED SEVERAL WEEKS AGO BY OUR PROFESSOR WHITLEY.

W- H-I-T-L-E-Y.

NO, NO, YOU CAN'T SEE IT WITH THE NAKED EYE. YOU-

OH, HERE'S DR. STOWE, OUR DIRECTOR.

JUST A MINUTE, PLEASE.

SAN FRANCISCO NEWSPAPER. OH.

YES?

NO, I'M SORRY. I CAN'T TELL YOU MORE JUST NOW.

WE CAN ONLY SAY THAT PROFESSOR WHITLEY'S COMET

PROMISES TO BE VERY INTERESTING.

NO, NO, WHITLEY'S NOT HERE AT THE MOMENT,

BUT HE'LL BE HERE PRESENTLY.

YES, HE'S HERE EVERY NIGHT.

ALL NIGHT.

UM...

UM, MARGARET?

MURIEL?

JOSEPHINE?

ETHEL?

YES, SIR?

WELL, IS IT ETHEL?

SURE THING, MR. PROFESSOR.

HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?

I ONLY ARRIVED THIS AFTERNOON.

OH, I JUST TRIED THEM ALL. NOTHING LIKE TRYING.

I'M A TRIER MYSELF, SO WE'LL GET ON SWELL. YEAH.

BILL, DEAR, YOU'RE LATE. HURRY UP.

YEP. COMING.

I, UH, WAS JUST MAKING FRIENDS

WITH OUR NEW BOSS.

AH, ENCHANTING.

MORNING, MY LOVE.

EVENING, DARLING.

OH.

NOW HAVE YOUR BREAKFAST.

UH-OH. CARROT JUICE AGAIN?

YOU SAID IT WAS GOOD FOR YOUR VISION.

ONE MORE GALLON, AND I WON'T NEED A TELESCOPE.

DARLING, I HAD A PERFECTLY MARVELOUS NIGHT'S SLEEP.

YOU NEEDN'T TELL ME. I COULD HEAR YOU DOWN HERE.

WELL, YOU SEE, A GOOD HUSBAND

KEEPS IN TOUCH WITH HIS WIFE EVEN WHEN HE'S ASLEEP.

OH, THIS BACON IS FULL OF CHARM.

ETHEL, YOU HAVE A TOUCH WITH BACON.

THANK YOU, MR. PROF.

SHOULD I PUT THESE AWAY UPSTAIRS?

OH, NO, HE'LL NEED THEM.

ON A HOT NIGHT LIKE THIS?

OH, BUT IT'S COLD UP THERE ON THE MOUNTAIN.

IMAGINE GOING WAY UP THERE JUST TO LOOK AT THE STARS.

DON'T YOU EVER LOOK AT THE STARS, ETHEL?

I DID ONCE, BUT I'M MARRIED NOW.

AH, WHAT CHARM.

WHAT EFFICIENCY.

WHAT GLAMOUR.

WHAT A FACE.

WELL, I ONLY HOPE SHE LIKES US.

THEY SAY IT'S AN UPSIDE-DOWN HOUSE

FOR ANY MAID.

AT SUNSET, YOU HAVE BREAKFAST.

AN HOUR LATER, I HAVE DINNER.

YOU COME HOME WHEN I GET UP-

NOW, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE MAID, DARLING.

SHE'S CRAZY ABOUT ME.

VICKY, SHOULD I TELL YOU SOMETHING?

I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO STOP YOU.

HA HA!

WELL, NO MATTER HOW REPULSIVE I MAY LOOK,

PARTICULARLY WHEN HAVING BREAKFAST,

I'M FEELING ESPECIALLY ATTRACTIVE THIS EVENING.

OH. THEN WHAT A PITY YOU CAN'T STAY HOME.

OH.

I'LL HAVE A FEW DAYS OFF

JUST AS SOON AS THIS COMET BUSINESS IS OVER.

YOU'VE SAID THAT BEFORE.

YEAH, BUT THIS TIME, IT'S IN THE BAG

BECAUSE I KNOW NOW THAT MY CALCULATIONS ARE EXACT.

OUR COMET'S GOING TO MAKE ASTRONOMICAL HISTORY.

OH, MY CLEVER LITTLE MAN.

MY CLEVER LITTLE ASTROLOGER.

OH, VICKY.

DARLING...

SCIENTIST, MATHEMATICIAN,

PHYSICIST, BACON EATER, YES, BUT NOT ASTROLOGER.

OH, I'M SORRY.

DARLING, ASTRONOMY AND ASTROLOGY

MAY SOUND ALIKE, BUT THAT'S ALL.

ASTRONOMY IS A SCIENCE.

ASTROLOGY, A...

SUPERSTITION.

BUT AREN'T YOU A LITTLE BIT INTOLERANT?

FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, ASTROLOGY HAS BEEN HIGHLY RESPECTED.

ASTROLOGY, MY LOVE, STINKS.

SEE, YOU CAN'T ANSWER IT.

WELL, I'LL, UH, WORK ON IT.

NOW, WHERE'S MY PIPE?

VICKY, AFTER OUR COMET

DOES ITS STUFF,

SUPPOSE WE GO AWAY FOR A VACATION?

HA! I KNOW YOUR VACATIONS, THANK YOU.

REMEMBER PHOENIX?

DON'T RUB IT IN.

I WAS, UH, OVERWORKED.

WE WERE GOING TO DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER.

AND WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, I-

UH...

I WAS TIRED.

I'LL SAY.

WHERE SHALL WE GO?

HMM?

I'M THINKING.

IT BECOMES YOU, MY LOVE.

LET ME SEE.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HOME ONE SINGLE NIGHT

IN 9 WEEKS.

WHAT ABOUT NEW YORK?

OR, UH, PALM SPRINGS?

I KNOW.

OUR LITTLE SHACK UP ON MOUNT ROSS.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

MY IDEA OF A REALLY NICE VACATION

WOULD BE TO STAY RIGHT HERE.

WHAT, NOT GO AWAY? NOT MOVE?

OH, IT WOULD BE NICE

JUST FOR A CHANGE

TO HAVE BREAKFAST WITH MY HUSBAND

AND DINNER AND-

YOU THINK I'M EXACTING?

NOW, THAT'LL DO. OFF YOU GO.

HEY, YOU'RE TREMBLING.

WOULD YOU RATHER I FROZE?

OH, DON'T GO

TO THE OBSERVATORY TONIGHT. STAY HOME.

IF I ONLY COULD.

HERE'S YOUR LUNCH, MR. PROFESSOR.

I PUT IN A FRESH TOMATO.

GOSH, THANKS.

OH, NO MORE KISSING.

AND NEVER WITH THAT CAP ON.

HOLY SMOKE, IT'S AFTER 6:00.

WELL, THE STARS HAVE BEEN THERE FOR A LONG TIME.

THEY CAN WAIT.

THEY CAN WAIT...

LIKE ME.

GOOD EVENING, PROFESSOR.

GOOD EVENING, MISS POTTER. HOW ARE YOU?

UH, DON'T TELL ME. I'M IN A HURRY.

NANCY.

NANCY, I'VE GOT TO TALK TO YOU.

IT'S ALL SET. TOMORROW AT 3:30 AT MRS. SIBYLL'S.

BUT I CAN'T GO.

YOU CAN'T GO?

COME IN THE HOUSE.

NOW, WHAT IS THIS ABOUT YOUR NOT BEING ABLE TO GO?

IT'S BILL. I MADE A SLIP.

ASTROLOGY INSTEAD OF ASTRONOMY,

AND HE BLEW UP.

ANYONE WOULD THINK THAT ASTROLOGY WAS SOMETHING TO BE ASHAMED OF

LIKE WITCHCRAFT OR BEING A DEMOCRAT.

IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T WANT TO GO BEHIND BILL'S BACK

TO A FORTUNE-TELLER.

FORTUNE-TELLER?

MRS. SIBYLL IS A VERY FAMOUS WOMAN OF REAL GENIUS.

IMAGINE CALLING MRS. SIBYLL A FORTUNE-TELLER.

DON'T SHOUT. I'M NOT DEAF. WHAT?

OH, NEVER MIND.

PLEASE CANCEL THE APPOINTMENT.

I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LET YOU MAKE IT.

YOU'VE GOT TO GO. IF EVERY WOMAN

HAD HER HOROSCOPE CAST IN TIME, SHE WOULDN'T SPEND

THE REST OF HER TIME REGRETTING HER MISTAKES.

BUT SUPPOSE IT GETS AROUND

THAT PROFESSOR WHITLEY'S WIFE GOES TO AN ASTROLOGER?

WELL?

WELL, IT WOULD BE LIKE DR. EINSTEIN'S WIFE

GETTING CAUGHT AT PLAYING THE NUMBERS GAME.

I DON'T KNOW THE EINSTEINS.

ANYWAY, I CAN'T GO.

OH, IT'S SUCH A PITY.

TOMORROW'D BE A GOOD DAY.

WHY, ESPECIALLY?

BECAUSE YOU'RE A TAURUS,

AND WHEN THE MOON PASSES THROUGH YOUR SIGN TOMORROW,

YOU'LL HAVE A DAY TO REMEMBER.

NANCY, REALLY, YOU MUST CANCEL THE APPOINTMENT.

AW. ALL RIGHT. I'LL TELEPHONE MRS. SIBYLL.

THANK YOU, DEAR.

GOOD EVENING, PROFESSOR.

PIERSON.

WELL, HOW DO YOU THINK THE SEEING WILL BE TONIGHT?

SEEMS A LITTLE CLOUDY, BUT WE'LL BE ABLE TO WORK.

WELL, LET'S OPEN HER UP AND HAVE A LOOK.

RIGHT-O.

FOCUS STAR IS 11:50:46.

11:50:46.

54:01 NORTH.

GOOD EVENING, PROFESSOR. FORBES.

GOOD EVENING, PROFESSOR.

THANK YOU. NO. SMOKE? WANT ONE?

THANKS. NO. GOOD.

YEAH, THE DOME SEEMS TO BE CUTTING IN.

MOVE IT A LITTLE, WILL YOU?

YEAH, THERE'S BABY.

STICKING TO MY ORBIT LIKE A TIMETABLE.

HOW'S IT FEEL TO HAVE YOUR OWN PRIVATE COMET?

OH, VERY COZY. VERY COZY.

PROFESSOR WHITLEY?

YEAH?

IT'S GOING ON 11:00.

OH, YES!

THANK YOU.

WILL YOU GIVE HER MY REGARDS, PLEASE?

YEAH.

OH...

HELLO, DARLING.

SLEEP WELL.

GOOD NIGHT, MY LOVE.

HEY, LADY, BETTER DRAW THOSE CURTAINS.

OH, I'M SORRY.

NANCY, YOU'RE STILL UP?

LOOK, DEAR,

I KNOW YOU THINK I'M RATHER SILLY, BUT, UH-

I'M SO GLAD YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND.

HERE, VICKY, LOOK.

THIS IS A SYMBOL PICTURE OF THE ZODIAC.

HERE YOU ARE- TAURUS, THE BULL.

AND THIS IS ME- PISCES, 2 LITTLE FISHES.

EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS IN HERE SOMEWHERE.

DOESN'T LOOK VERY CROWDED TO ME.

NOW, VICKY, BEHAVE YOURSELF.

YOU'RE FACING THE MOST IMPORTANT MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE.

I WONDER.

THIS WAY, PLEASE.

GOOD-BYE, SENATOR.

CALL ME ANYTIME YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

I'M VERY HAPPY TO SEE YOU, MRS. WHITLEY.

GOOD AFTERNOON, NANCY.

I BROUGHT HER, YOU SEE.

SIT HERE, PLEASE. STELLA, I'M NOT TO BE INTERRUPTED.

IT CERTAINLY ISN'T EVERY DAY

THAT I TALK TO THE WIFE OF A FAMOUS ASTRONOMER.

YOU'RE A TAURUS, BORN IN MAY, THE FIRST HALF.

NANCY TOLD YOU?

OH, NO. ONE CAN TELL.

ISN'T SHE WONDERFUL?

ISN'T THIS WEDNESDAY, NANCY? MM-HMM.

DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO WEAR BRIGHT COLORS THIS WEDNESDAY

OWING TO A CONJUNCTION OF URANUS WITH YOUR PARTICULAR PLANET?

DID YOU?

OH, I CAN'T TAKE THIS OFF UNTIL I GET HOME, CAN I?

I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT.

THE STREETS NEED BRIGHTENING UP, BUT NOT THAT BADLY.

OH, HOW COULD I EVER HAVE MADE SUCH A MISTAKE?

OH, BE CAREFUL! NOSTRADAMUS!

I'M SO SORRY. GOOD-BYE. GOOD-BYE.

OF COURSE, THERE'S NOTHING REALLY WRONG WITH A WEDNESDAY,

BUT I DID WANT TO BE ALONE WITH YOU.

HERE I TELL THE PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE,

AND I CAN NEVER LAY MY HANDS ON A PENCIL.

THANK YOU. REMEMBER, I'M NOT A MAGICIAN.

YOU TELL ME FACTS, AND THEY HELP ME TO CAST YOUR HOROSCOPE.

YOU'LL FIND IT A VALUABLE AID TO UNDERSTANDING YOURSELF.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT.

YOU WERE BORN IN MAY. WHAT DAY? 15th.

AND THE YEAR?

UH, 1918. PLACE?

PARIS.

AND THE EXACT TIME?

OH, UH, 8:00 IN THE MORNING.

MOTHER SAID I ARRIVED FOR BREAKFAST

AND STAYED FOR DINNER.

MARRIED NOW TO PROFESSOR WILLIAM STUART WHITLEY.

WHEN?

2 YEARS AGO.

REALLY I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M HERE.

I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT ANYTHING.

STILL, YOU CAME.

PERHAPS I'M BEING SILLY, BUT I HAVE A FEELING THAT-

HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE?

OH, NO,

OH, NO, HE LOVES ME VERY... MUCH.

COMPLICATIONS.

LOVE AND TENDERNESS ARE VERY NECESSARY TO HIM.

WELL, AREN'T THEY TO EVERYBODY?

NOT TO THE SAME EXTENT.

YOU SEE, YOUR HEART GOVERNS YOU,

AND THERE'S A BIG RESERVE OF ENERGY

WHICH SHOULD FIND AN OUTLET,

AND SOON, I FANCY.

AVOID EATING SHELLFISH.

MARRIED ABROAD, WEREN'T YOU?

THE BAHAMAS. I WAS THERE WITH MY MOTHER-

CURIOUS.

SOME TRAGEDY HERE BEFORE YOUR MARRIAGE.

TRAGEDY?

1938-

9. YES, 9.

DIDN'T SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE KILL THEMSELVES?

OH, NO!

WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING HERE.

THIS HOROSCOPE IS GOING TO TAKE SOME TIME.

I WILL HAVE IT, LET ME SEE,

SHALL WE SAY MONDAY AT 3:00?

3:00. YES.

OH, WHAT A LOVELY BIRD.

YES, ISN'T IT?

GIVEN TO ME BY A CLIENT-

THE KING OF BULGARIA.

GOOD-BYE UNTIL MONDAY.

I'LL HAVE EVERYTHING READY THEN,

AND YOUR LIFE PLANNED OUT AS FROM TUESDAY.

THE FEE WILL BE $50.

I'LL SEND YOU A CHECK.

1939! OF COURSE!

BUT HE FELL OVERBOARD. THEY ALL SAID SO.

OH, SO THERE WAS SOMETHING.

OH, BUT IT WASN'T SUICIDE. THERE WAS A STORM AND-

YES, THE SIGNS I READ

COULD HAVE BEEN AN ACCIDENT.

I'M REALLY NEVER WRONG.

YOU'LL SEE.

GET ME BOSTON, PLEASE.

HARVARD.

DON'T KISS ME.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, BABY? GOT A COLD?

NO, BUT IT'S TUESDAY.

SURE.

I'M BILL WHITLEY. REMEMBER ME?

IT'S WRONG FOR ME TO HAVE ANY CONTACT

ON A TUESDAY.

BEGINNING TODAY,

UNTIL THE MOON IS IN SQUARE ASPECT TO MY PLUTO,

I MUSTN'T BE TOUCHED.

IS THAT SO?

WELL, PROCEED, MY PLUTO.

BILL, MRS. SIBYLL SAYS...

THAT MY PLANETARY EMPHASIS THIS MONTH

WILL FALL IN MY SEVENTH HOUSE, AND-

JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE.

DON'T LOOK SO HORRIFIED.

YES, IT'S MY HOROSCOPE.

VICKY, WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU

THAT YOU COULD DO THIS TO ME?

I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING TO YOU.

THIS IS JUST FOR ME, BILL, DARLING.

NO, DON'T KISS ME. IT'S TUESDAY.

THERE YOU GO. YOU NEVER TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.

HOW CAN I WHEN MY PLANETARY EMPHASIS

IS IN MY 11th BUNGALOW?

OH, VICKY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY GOING TO THIS QUACK?

SHE'S NOT. SHE'S A VERY SINCERE WOMAN.

AND I WON'T HAVE YOU INSULT HER.

IF SHE'S A SINCERE WOMAN, I'M CHARLIE'S AUNT.

AND WHILE WE'RE ON THIS FASCINATING SUBJECT

OF HOKEY-POKEY,

MAY I ASK WHY YOU WENT

TO THIS 18-HANDICAP SOOTHSAYER BEHIND MY BACK?

BEHIND YOUR BACK? YES.

I PUT MY HOROSCOPE THERE ON PURPOSE

FOR YOU TO SEE.

WHY DID I GO? WHY SHOULDN'T I?

I'M VERY GRATEFUL TO NANCY POTTER FOR TAKING ME.

AH, SO SHE TOOK YOU.

LOTS OF OTHER WOMEN GO AND FIND CONTENTMENT.

BUT YOU'RE NOT LOTS OF OTHER WOMEN.

YOU'RE MY WIFE. CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG.

OH, VICKY, 2 WEEKS BEFORE MY COMET MAKES HISTORY,

YOU GET IT INTO YOUR DIZZY LITTLE HEAD-

BILL WHITLEY, I WON'T BE TALKED TO THAT WAY.

WHAT SHALL I DO, STAND AT ATTENTION?

MRS. SIBYLL SAID YOU WERE A SELF-CENTERED MAN.

IT'S WRITTEN DOWN THERE, AND IT'S TRUE.

WHY SHOULD YOU TRY TO BULLY ME OUT OF A LITTLE HAPPINESS?

HAPPINESS. PROCEED, MY LOVE.

AND STOP SAYING, "PROCEED, MY LOVE"

IN THAT SMUG WAY.

YES, HAPPINESS, FOR I KNOW I'LL BE HAPPY

IF I FOLLOW WHAT SHE SAYS,

AND I'M GOING TO.

SELF-CENTERED, HUH?

I HAVE ANOTHER COPY.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING? NOT TO MRS. SIBYLL?

JUST TO MAKE A CALL ON MISS POTTER.

BUT SHE'LL BE ASLEEP.

I HOPE SO.

MY PLUTO, MY...

MISS POTTER?

OH, MISS POTTER?

WHAT IS IT?

OH, IT'S YOU, PROFESSOR WHITLEY.

DEAR MISS POTTER, IT IS INDEED ME.

AND I'M HERE TO THANK YOU

FOR TRYING TO BREAK UP MY MARRIAGE!

THERE!

SHE WAS RIGHT. MRS. SIBYLL WAS RIGHT AGAIN.

SHE SAID IT WOULD BE A WET MORNING.

OHH!

BILL, IT LOOKS AS THOUGH WE'LL HAVE QUITE A CROWD

ON YOUR BIG NIGHT.

BILL, ARE YOU THERE?

OH, YES.

THAT-THAT'S FINE. FINE.

EVERYONE ACCEPTED.

ALL WE NEED NOW IS GOOD WEATHER

AND NO ERROR IN YOUR COMPUTATIONS.

STILL WORKING ON YOUR SPEECH?

YES.

YOU MIND IF I HAVE A LOOK?

HMM.

WELL, BRIEF AND TO THE POINT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, BILL?

THESE LAST 2 WEEKS, YOU'VE BEEN A DIFFERENT MAN-

ABSENT-MINDED, IRRITABLE, NOT LIKE YOURSELF.

OUT WITH IT, BILL. WHAT'S UP?

JUPITER.

JUPITER?

JUPITER'S BEEN FACING A SQUARE ASPECT OF THE MOON

IN VICKY'S, UH, SEVENTH HOUSE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

OH, A GREAT SCIENCE.

A SCIENCE THAT SAYS

I MUSTN'T KISS MY WIFE ON TUESDAYS

BECAUSE THE SEMISEXTILE ASPECT OF NEPTUNE

IS IN OPPOSITION TO DONALD DUCK.

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME VICKY'S BEEN TO AN ASTROLOGER?

BEEN TO ONE?

SHE OWNS ONE.

ON SUNDAYS, SHE AVOIDS WINDOWS.

ON MONDAYS, SHE AVOIDS SHELLFISH.

AND ON TUESDAYS-

ON TUESDAYS, SHE AVOIDS ME.

HELLO, BILL.

HELLO, DR. STOWE.

VICKY.

I HOPE I'M INTERRUPTING YOU. YOU ALL WORK MUCH TOO HARD.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN UP HERE FOR A LONG TIME.

MRS. WHITLEY, MAY I SHOW YOU AROUND?

STRAND, I'D LIKE TO HAVE YOU LOOK OVER

THE OBSERVING PROGRAM FOR NEXT MONTH.

WILL YOU EXCUSE US, PLEASE?

YES. FINE. FINE.

VICKY, COME SIT DOWN. OH, WAIT.

NOW, OH, HAVE A CIGARETTE?

HAVE A DRINK. HAVE THE MOON.

VICKY, PLEASE NOTE THIS IS NOT TUESDAY.

WELL, WHAT IS IT?

HAVE I SINNED AGAIN?

OH, I HAVE.

THAT VIOLIN CONCERT TONIGHT, AND I FORGOT.

YOU'RE WONDERFUL ON DATES.

THE CONCERT'S NEXT WEEK.

OH, WELL, THEN, WHAT?

BILL, I CAME HERE BECAUSE-

WELL, TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I DIDN'T WANT TO WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW.

DARLING, YOU'RE HERE. THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

WAIT, BILL.

DO YOU REMEMBER

WHEN I FIRST WENT TO MRS. SIBYLL?

OHH... HERE IT COMES AGAIN.

SHE SAID THAT UNDOUBTEDLY SOMETHING WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.

YEAH.

BILL, SOMETHING IMPORTANT.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE A-

NO.

NO, I'M NOT.

OH. PROCEED, MY LOVE.

BILL, I'M AFRAID I'LL HAVE TO LEAVE YOU.

WELL, YOU'VE BEEN HERE ONLY A MINUTE.

I'M GOING TO LEAVE YOU

FOR A MAN WHO REALLY LOVES ME.

HMM.

NORMAL.

PERHAPS I'D BETTER SEE A DOCTOR.

YES, THAT'S WHAT MRS. SIBYLL SAID.

FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS,

WHILE MERCURY OPPOSES JUPITER IN YOUR SIGN,

YOU'LL BE SUSCEPTIBLE TO ASTHMA.

PLEASE, JUPITER,

MAKE ME A BIG, STRONG MAN

FULL OF PATIENCE, CHARITY, FORBEARANCE.

WELL, LET'S HAVE IT.

WHO IS HE?

WHO'S WHO?

YOUR BOYFRIEND. HAVE I MET HIM?

NO.

YOU'VE BEEN CARRYING ON

A FLIRTATION BEHIND MY BACK?

BILL, I'LL GO THIS MINUTE.

WELL, THIS IS FINE.

MY WIFE TELLS ME SHE'S LEAVING ME FOR ANOTHER MAN

AND IS INSULTED BECAUSE I DARE SPEAK OF HIM.

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF

TO THINK I COULD DO A THING LIKE THAT.

WELL, I'M VERY SORRY.

STILL, WHO IS HE?

WHO IS HE? WHO IS HE? HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

UH-

LOOK, I DON'T WISH TO BE INQUISITIVE,

BUT WHO ELSE SHOULD KNOW?

THE STARS.

I HAVEN'T YET SEEN HIM OR EVEN MET HIM,

BUT I SHALL VERY SOON.

BETWEEN TONIGHT AND THE 22nd OF THIS MONTH,

THERE SHALL COME INTO MY LIFE

A SOLITARY MAN OF MANY ADVENTURES

IN FAR DISTANT LANDS

WHO HAS BEEN SEARCHING

FOR ME FOR A LONG TIME.

THIS IS LUNACY. NO, IT'S DESTINY.

OH!

THAT'S WHY I HAD TO TELL YOU TONIGHT,

BECAUSE IT MIGHT HAPPEN ANY MINUTE.

BILL, YOU'VE GOT IT!

WHAT? ASTHMA.

I HAVEN'T GOT ASTHMA.

I'VE NEVER HAD ASTHMA.

I NEVER WILL HAVE ASTHMA.

I REFUSE TO HAVE ASTHMA.

IT'S ALL A LOT OF FUSS ABOUT NOTHING.

MORE OR LESS. YOU SEE?

JUST A SLIGHT TOUCH OF ASTHMA.

WHAT?!

YOU SEE? MRS. SIBYLL PREDICTED IT.

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEEM SO HAPPY ABOUT IT.

OH, IT ISN'T THAT.

IT'S JUST THAT EVERYTHING SHE SAYS COMES TRUE,

AND THIS OUGHT TO PROVE IT TO YOU.

LOOK, YOU SURE THIS ISN'T PNEUMONIA?

NO. MEASLES?

NO. YELLOW JAUNDICE?

ASTHMA.

I KNEW IT.

JUST TAKE ONE NOW, AND ONE EVERY HOUR.

MRS. SIBYLL NEVER MAKES A MISTAKE.

YOU'RE ALL RIGHT. YOU CAN GET UP NOW.

YOU'RE SURE HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT?

YES, AND HE'LL HAVE HIS VOICE BACK IN NO TIME.

THEY CAN'T PIN THIS ON ME.

EXCUSE ME.

HEY, WHO ARE YOU?

DELIA MURPHY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M THE NEW MAID.

WHERE'S ETHEL? OH, SHE QUIT.

WHY?

BECAUSE SHE'S A TAURUS

AND SHOULDN'T WORK IN APRIL.

YOU'RE FIRED!

NO, SHE'S NOT.

DELIA, AFTER YOU'VE TAKEN THE BED APART,

I'LL HELP YOU PUT IT UP IN THE SPARE ROOM.

YES, MA'AM.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT IS ALL THIS?

NOW, BILL. GO AHEAD, DELIA, TAKE THIS

IN THE OTHER ROOM, AND WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED,

PLEASE PUT THE HIGHBOY BACK WHERE IT BELONGS.

VICKY, ASTHMA ISN'T CONTAGIOUS.

I KNOW IT, BILL,

BUT SURELY YOU DON'T EXPECT ME

TO SHARE A ROOM WITH ONE MAN

WHEN I'M AS GOOD AS PROMISED TO ANOTHER.

WHAT?!

VICKY.

VICKY!

I WAS ONLY GETTING SOME WATER, BILL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH A GHOST-

A MAN WHO HAS NO EXISTENCE

EXCEPT IN A HOROSCOPE.

BUT HE DOES EXIST.

DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT TO MY FACE?

YOU WOULDN'T WANT ME TO TELL YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK, WOULD YOU?

WELL, HOW DO YOU EXPECT HIM TO APPEAR?

THROUGH A KEYHOLE?

FOR ALL I KNOW, DOWN THE CHIMNEY,

BUT HE'LL COME.

ALL RIGHT. THEN I'LL GO.

GOOD-BYE, YOU.

I'M MOVING OUT OF THIS HOUSE.

I'LL THANK YOU TO SEND ME MY RATION BOOKS.

COLLECTING FOR THE PAPER, SIR.

OH.

PAY HIM.

I'M MOVING UP TO THE OBSERVATORY.

VICKY, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.

I'M SORRY. I'M BEGINNING TO THINK

THIS WHOLE THING IS VERY SILLY.

HE'S PLAYING BRAHMS.

I MEAN BILL.

HE'S BEEN GONE FOR 3 DAYS.

SHH!

DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

NO, WHAT IS IT?

HE'S LOOKING AT YOU.

WHO? HIM.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY. BUT HE IS.

WHY SHOULD HE? YOU KNOW WHY.

SHH!

THERE YOU ARE. YOU SEE, THE STARS NEVER LIE.

COULD YOU KINDLY GET YOUR FRIEND

TO BE A LITTLE QUIETER?

HE SAYS SHUT UP.

SHH!

IT WAS ORDAINED FROM THE BEGINNING OF TIME

THAT THESE 2 BODIES

WOULD EVENTUALLY GET TOGETHER.

NO COSMIC POWER COULD PREVENT IT.

PROFESSOR?

LOOK, HOW AM I GOING TO FINISH THIS LECTURE

BY TOMORROW NIGHT IF I'M INTERRUPTED ALL THE TIME?

I DON'T WANT TO BE DISTURBED.

I JUST THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE TO TALK TO MRS. WHITLEY.

WHAT? WHAT?!

SHE'S ON THE TELEPHONE.

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO BEFORE?

HELLO.

HOW ARE YOU?

OH, I'M VERY GLAD YOU CALLED.

WHERE ARE YOU?

OH.

YEAH, WELL, GIVE MISS POTTER MY REGARDS.

VICKY!

VICKY,

WAIT A MINUTE. LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHT NUMBER?

I'M ONLY BILL, REMEMBER?

NOT THE GREAT UNKNOWN.

WHAT?

I'M WHAT?!

I AM?!

OH, VICKY, DARLING,

L- L-LOOK, NOW, HAVE A HEART.

DON'T KID YOUR POOR OLD FIRST HUSBAND.

WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?

YES, I KNOW SHE'S A FAKE,

BUT HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?

WHAT HAPPENED?

A VENTRILOQUIST?!

OH, A VIOLINIST.

OH, MY POOR DARLING. LOOK-

YOU'RE MY FIRST AND LAST.

NOBODY AT ALL HAS COME INTO MY LIFE.

IT'S BEEN 2 WHOLE WEEKS.

OH, BILL, THE WHOLE THING

HAS BEEN VERY SILLY.

YEAH, BUT WHAT IF THAT MAN POPS OUT

OF AN OYSTER TOMORROW?

WELL, WHY CAN'T HE?

MIDNIGHT TONIGHT?

NO, WAIT A MINUTE. I DIDN'T QUITE GET THAT.

ACCORDING TO YOUR HOROSCOPE,

IT'S TODAY OR NEVER?

OH, LOOK, DARLING,

GO HOME. GO HOME AND WAIT FOR ME.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY?

HUH? ALL RIGHT. I'M ON MY WAY.

OH, DARLING, THANKS FOR CALLING.

THANKS FOR LIVING.

VICKY, MAKE A NOTE OF THIS.

I LOVE YOU.

WHOO! STOWE!

OH, GOOD NIGHT, OLD MAN!

HA HA! I'M THE HAPPIEST CAPRICORN IN THE WORLD!

VICKY, YOU'RE DEFYING THE PROPHECY.

HOW AM I?

THE PROPHECY SAID I'M GOING TO MEET THAT GREAT UNKNOWN BY NOW.

AND WHERE IS HE?

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

OH, MRS. WHITLEY?

YES?

YOU STARTLED ME.

LOOK AT THAT. BEEN ON ALL EVENING.

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY. I FORGOT.

I REALLY OUGHT TO REPORT YOU.

YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT, MR.-

HUNTER. LLOYD HUNTER.

I HAD A BAD DAY. LET ME HAVE IT END NICELY.

WELL, I'LL TAKE A CHANCE.

THANK YOU, MR. HUNTER.

BY THE WAY, THE DAY'S NOT ENDED YET.

YOUR CLOCK'S 20 MINUTES FAST.

GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

SAY? NOTHING.

OH, BUT YOU DID. THE CLOCK.

OH, THAT. IT'S A LITTLE BIT FAST, THAT'S ALL.

THEN IT'S STILL TODAY.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

NOTHING REALLY.

GOOD NIGHT.

OH, MR. HUNTER,

I DON'T WANT TO SEEM INQUISITIVE,

BUT DO YOU COME FROM A LONG WAY AWAY?

ABOUT 4 BLOCKS. CRANBERRY BOULEVARD.

OH, NO, I MEAN A LITTLE FURTHER.

FROM FAR AWAY. FROM A FAR DISTANT LAND?

WELL, I SHOULD SAY SO. I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE.

WHY DO YOU ASK?

JUST SOMETHING I THOUGHT OF.

DO I HAPPEN TO REMIND YOU OF SOMEONE?

IN A WAY.

ISN'T IT CURIOUS?

THOUGH I'VE OFTEN SEEN YOU BEFORE,

I'VE NEVER REALLY SEEN YOU UNTIL TONIGHT.

SHOULDN'T YOU GO INDOORS?

THIS DAMP AIR-

I'M NOT COLD.

I'M OLD ENOUGH TO EXERCISE AUTHORITY.

YOU STAY UP PRETTY LATE, MRS. WHITLEY.

OH, I KNOW. WHILE ON MY ROUNDS, I NOTICED YOUR WINDOW.

HAVE YOU? I HAVEN'T SLEPT WELL LATELY.

WELL, I CAN TAKE CARE OF THAT,

BUT I'LL NEED A LITTLE WATER.

WATER? RIGHT HERE.

ONE DROP OF THIS,

AND YOU'LL HAVE THE SLEEP OF YOUR LIFE.

THIS IS FROM ONE OF THOSE FAR DISTANT LANDS YOU SPOKE OF-INDIA.

A YOUNG WIDOW GAVE IT TO ME IN A CYPRESS GROVE.

INDIA MUST BE FASCINATING.

IT IS.

BUT FOR MY MONEY, GIVE ME A PLACE CALLED SAMARQAND-

THE CITY OF PHANTOMS AND POETS.

"IN XANADU DID KUBLA KHAN

A STATELY PLEASURE-DOME DECREE."

I'VE MADE THIS RATHER STRONG.

YOU BE SURE AND BE IN BED BEFORE YOU TAKE IT.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THOSE STRANGE PLACES?

OH, I'M A ROUSTABOUT.

A ROUSTABOUT?

OH, THAT'S ANOTHER NAME, THE PROPER NAME I SHOULD SAY,

FOR NEWSPAPER CORRESPONDENT.

OH.

OH, BUT, UH...

I JUST GOT IN FROM NORTH AFRICA A FEW WEEKS AGO.

ONE OF THOSE TROPICAL FEVERS

CAUGHT UP WITH ME IN ORAN.

A NASTY LITTLE BUG WITH A 6-SYLLABLE NAME.

HOW DREADFUL. OH, I'M GLAD IT HAPPENED.

GAVE ME A CHANCE TO WORK ON MY FIRST BOOK.

WHILE YOU TRAVEL, MRS. HUNTER MUST MISS YOU.

OH, SHE CERTAINLY DOES.

BUT I ALWAYS SEND HER A LITTLE SOMETHING ON MOTHER'S DAY.

OH, FOR A MOMENT, I THOUGHT YOU-

OH, NOT ME. I NEVER STAY IN ONE PLACE LONG ENOUGH.

BILL! WHAT A SURPRISE!

I FLEW DOWN!

DARLING, YOUR WORDS GAVE ME...

WINGS.

IT'S MR. HUNTER, OUR AIR-RAID WARDEN.

GOOD EVENING.

WELL, WELL,

THIS GIRL OF MINE BEEN COMMITTING CRIMES?

SAY, YOU BE TOUGH WITH HER.

I'VE NEVER BEEN TOUGH ENOUGH.

IT WOULD BE HARD TO BE TOUGH WITH HER. WELL, I MUST BE OFF.

OH. WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

SHOULDN'T WE OFFER MR. HUNTER A DRINK? A SMALL SCOTCH?

I DON'T MIND. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SODA OR WATER?

WATER, PLEASE.

YOU KNOW, BILL, MR. HUNTER HAS BEEN EVERYWHERE.

HE'S A ROUSTABOUT- A WAR CORRESPONDENT.

OH. WRITTEN A BOOK YET?

HE'S WRITING ONE NOW.

WELL, WE MUST GET IT. AM I DRINKING ALONE?

OH, BILL NEVER DRINKS.

THE IDEAL HUSBAND. THIS IS MY GROG.

TELL US MORE ABOUT SAMARQAND, MR. HUNTER.

IT'S A TOWN IN ASIA.

UH, YES, YES, SO I'VE HEARD.

HE'S BEEN IN INDIA, TOO.

AND HE JUST CAME FROM NORTH AFRICA.

WELL, GOING BACK SOON?

OH, HE CAN'T. HE HAS A 6-SYLLABLE FEVER.

HMM, WELL, I HOPE YOU HAVE NO COMPLICATIONS.

YOU MUST HAVE HAD WONDERFUL ADVENTURES.

QUITE A FEW, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BORE YOU.

BUT HE DOESN'T AT ALL, DOES HE, BILL?

NO, NOT AT ALL.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE.

THE EYES ARE ALIVE. NICE BRUSHWORK.

WELL, REALLY, I MUST GO. OH, SO SOON?

YES. THANKS FOR THE DRINK.

GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

I'M VERY GLAD TO HAVE MET YOU.

DROP IN ANYTIME.

OH, THANK YOU.

GOOD NIGHT.

OH, MR. HUNTER, I DON'T THINK I NEED

YOUR SLEEPING DROP NOW.

12:00. THE DAY'S ENDED.

VICKY, MY LOVE.

BILL, DON'T YOU REALIZE?

WHAT?

IT'S HAPPENED.

WHAT HAPPENED?

HE CAME.

HE? WHO?

NOT-

UH-HUH.

WHEN?

AFTER I CALLED YOU.

WHO IS IT?

BUT YOU'VE JUST SEEN HIM.

YOU MEAN-

YES, DARLING.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

IT'S TRUE, JUST AS MRS. SIBYLL SAID.

THE FAR DISTANT LAND, THE LONELY MAN,

THE TIME LIMIT, AND, BILL,

HE'S A NICE MAN, TOO.

WELL...

WELL, WELL,

HE WALKS INTO MY HOUSE, DRINKS MY WHISKEY,

HE FLIRTS WITH MY WIFE,

AND I, THE PERFECT HOST,

I INVITE HIM TO DROP IN, DROP IN ANYTIME.

AM I GETTING BALMY?

THERE HE GOES AGAIN,

DREAMING OF A FRIENDLY WINDOW.

BILL, LISTEN CAREFULLY.

PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME,

SO TIGHT I SIMPLY CAN'T FLY AWAY.

WE'VE MAD SO MANY MISTAKES,

LIKE OTHER MARRIED PEOPLE.

LET'S TRY TO BE FAIR TO EACH OTHER.

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MOMENT

OF OUR LIVES, YOURS AND MINE.

THERE'S STILL TIME FOR YOU TO SHOW ME

THAT I'M REALLY YOUR WIFE,

AND NOT JUST A PRETTY WOMAN YOU LIKE

WHEN YOU'RE NOT WORKING.

BILL?

BILL? BILL?

OH!

SLEEP WELL, PROFESSOR WHITLEY!

WELL, I'M NEW HERE.

MRS. WHITLEY HIRED ME AT 8:00 AND LEFT AT 8:15.

HER HUSBAND?

WELL, THERE'S A GENTLEMAN DOWN HERE

WHO WON'T WAKE UP.

IF HE'S WHAT YOU WANT,

YOU BETTER COME AND WAKE HIM YOURSELF.

YES, IF YOU SAY SO,

I'LL TRY AGAIN.

MISTER?

HMM.

DROP IN ANYTIME.

I AM IN.

YOU BETTER WAKE UP.

MISTER?

MISTER? MISTER, COME ON, WAKE UP, MISTER.

YEAH, YES, YES, YES, YES.

YOU SURE IS A POWERFUL SLEEPER.

YEAH.

I'M PEARL.

HMM? THE NEW MAID.

MMM.

I BET YOU'RE LOOKING FOR YOUR WIFE.

YOU AIN'T GOING TO FIND HER. SHE WENT.

UH...

SHE SAY WHERE?

NO, SIR. SHE JUST WENT.

BUT SHE WON'T BE GONE LONG.

SHE DIDN'T WEAR A HAT.

DIDN'T EVEN TAKE HER PURSE.

SHE TELEPHONED?

NO, SIR, BUT A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE DID.

IT'S BEEN RINGING ALL DAY.

A MAN FROM THE CONSERVATORY CALLED.

HE WAS ALL HET UP ABOUT SOME COMET OR SOMETHING.

SAYS IT'S GOING TO HIT SOMETHING.

AND A LADY CALLED POTTER CAME TO THE DOOR.

OH. MM-HMM.

THE LAST TIME THE GENTLEMAN RANG,

HE SAID HE WAS COMING TO GET YOU.

YES. WHEN PROFESSOR STOWE COMES, SHOW HIM IN.

IF MISS POTTER COMES?

THROW HER OUT.

VICKY!

OH, HELLO. OH, IT'S YOU.

YES, I'M SORRY TO INTRUDE,

BUT I FORGOT MY FIRST-AID KIT LAST NIGHT.

IS THAT SO? IF I COULD JUST GET IT AND-

YES, COME RIGHT IN.

WELL, I'M CERTAINLY GLAD YOU CALLED,

MR. HUNTER.

STUPID OF ME TO FORGET THIS.

WELL, GOOD-BYE, PROFESSOR.

YOU'RE, UH, LOOKING VERY SHARP TODAY, MR. HUNTER.

OH, YEAH? YEAH. SMART. CUTE.

BOY MEETS GIRL. TSK TSK.

WELL, THANKS. I'M OFF.

UH, IN A HURRY?

NOT PARTICULARLY.

WOULD YOU, UH, GIVE ME JUST A FEW MINUTES OF YOUR TIME?

SURE. SURE.

FINE. NOW, JUST SIT RIGHT DOWN HERE, MR. HUNTER.

I, UH-I WANT TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.

ALL RIGHT. SHOOT.

WHERE IS MY WIFE? NOW, DON'T LIE TO ME.

SHE WENT OUT THIS MORNING.

YOU MET HER SOMEWHERE.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER?

I THOUGHT WATER WAS YOUR GROG.

NOW, DON'T BE EVASIVE, MR. HUNTER.

WHERE IS SHE?

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, PROFESSOR,

I HAVEN'T SEEN MRS. WHITLEY SINCE LAST NIGHT.

ARE YOU SURE OF THAT?

CERTAINLY I'M SURE. SAY, WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE IS, AND THAT'S THAT.

JUST A MOMENT.

IF THAT'S THE CASE, THERE'S SOMETHING I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW,

AND I THINK IT'S JUST AS WELL THAT I TELL YOU.

UH, HAVE A DRINK.

I NEVER DRINK BY DAY.

WELL, THIS IS ONE DAY THAT YOU'LL NEED IT.

MR. HUNTER, KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COSMIC FLASHES?

NOPE.

YOU WILL. WHAT DAY WERE YOU BORN?

JUNE 13th.

AH. SO YESTERDAY,

YOU WERE IN TRINE ASPECT WITH NEPTUNE.

TOMORROW, YOU START A STAMP COLLECTION.

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

DOUBLE TALK?

WORSE. YOU THINK YOUR NAME IS HUNTER?

WELL, I SUSPECT SO.

WRONG. YOU ARE MR. Z.Z. POMPOM,

THE GREAT UNKNOWN,

THE END OF A PERFECT DAY.

YOU ARE MY WIFE'S SECOND HUSBAND.

YOUR WIFE'S SECOND WHICH?

DIDN'T I TELL YOU YOU'D NEED A DRINK?

NOW, I ASK YOU, ISN'T IT THE HEIGHT OF DAFFINESS

THAT MY WIFE SHOULD BE SCHEDULED TO LEAVE ME

WHEN SHE MEETS YOU?

WHY ME?

BECAUSE YOU MEET THE SPECIFICATIONS.

YEAH. GOT IT RIGHT HERE. I'LL SHOW YOU.

PAGE 5, UH,

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

BETWEEN TONIGHT AND THE 22nd OF THIS MONTH,

A MAN OF MANY ADVENTURES-

THAT'S YOU - WILL COME INTO YOUR LIFE.

THERE YOU ARE.

DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT THIS?

NOPE. DON'T I?

NOT A THING. NOR DOES SHE.

THIS IS A COSMIC FLASH.

IT'S IN THE BOOK.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

DIDN'T I TELL YOU? DOESN'T IT TOP EVERYTHING?

YOU SEE NOW? THE FANTASTIC NONSENSE

THAT EVEN THE NICEST WOMEN CAN BE TAKEN IN BY.

UH, BUT-

LOOK, HUNTER, WE'RE GROWN MEN.

LET'S BE CAGEY.

HOW'D IT BE IF YOU CHANGED YOUR DISTRICT?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PATROL THESE PARTICULAR STREETS.

THEY'RE PRETTY DULL ANYWAY.

I CAN FIX IT LIKE THAT.

WHY, THE CHIEF AIR-RAID WARDEN'S A PAL OF MINE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

WELL, MAYBE IT'S THE BEST THING TO DO.

THAT-A-BOY. NOW WE'RE USING OUR BRAINS.

YOU KNOW-

UH, PERHAPS WE'D BETTER GO OUT THROUGH THE KITCHEN.

OH, I CAN'T LET YOU IN.

OF COURSE, UH, I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY YOU STAY IN A HOT CLIMATE LIKE THIS AT ALL.

WITH YOUR FEVER, YOU SHOULD BE

IN SOME COLD PLACE LIKE LABRADOR

OR NOVA SCOTIA OR ICELAND.

YEAH, IT IS COLD UP THERE.

MM-HMM. WELL, GOOD-BYE, MR. HUNTER.

SO LONG, PROFESSOR.

GOOD LUCK. DROP US A LINE SOMETIME.

IF YOU GET NEAR A POST OFFICE.

PEARL, IN ME,

YOU SEE ONE OF THE WORLD'S GREAT MEN.

YES, SIR.

WELL, HE WAS A NICE CHAP, THE AIR-RAID WARDEN.

HE SURE IS A HANDSOME HUNK OF MAN.

YES, HMM.

THERE SHE IS NOW.

BACK ALREADY?

YES.

WHITLEY.

YEAH?

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT IS IT?

THE TRUTH.

AM I GOING TO LIKE THIS?

LAST NIGHT AFTER I TALKED TO YOUR WIFE

FOR THE FIRST TIME...

YEAH?

I LEFT THIS HERE ON PURPOSE.

WHY?

IT WAS A TRICK.

SOMETIMES A MAN CAN'T HELP HIMSELF.

YOU, UH-YOU WANTED

TO SEE HER AGAIN?

YES.

ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH MY WIFE?

YES.

WELL-

WHITLEY, FOR YEARS, I'VE CARRIED THE IMAGE

OF A WOMAN IN MY HEART.

I NEVER DREAMED SHE REALLY EXISTED.

AND THEN LAST NIGHT, I MET HER-

HERE IN THIS HOUSE.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT IF THERE IS SOME COSMIC FORCE AT WORK,

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANY OF US CAN DO ABOUT IT.

AFTER ALL, WE'RE ONLY PAWNS.

I'M NO PAWN!

OH, COME IN, STOWE.

WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU ON THE PHONE.

JUST A MINUTE.

GOOD HEAVENS, MAN! DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

GOOD-BYE, WHITLEY. I'LL BE SEEING YOU.

NO, YOU DON'T! I'M GOING TO TALK TO YOU!

WE HAVEN'T ANY TIME FOR THAT! YES, I HAVE!

BUT YOU'RE DUE AT THE OBSERVATORY NOW!

I CAN'T HELP IT!

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? WITH THE MOST IMPORTANT

ASTRONOMERS IN AMERICA UP THERE WAITING FOR YOU?

WELL, YOU ADDRESS THEM.

ARE YOU GOING TO LET US ALL DOWN NOW?

AFTER WORKING ALL THESE MONTHS TOGETHER?

WHY, THE ATTENTION OF THE WORLD IS FOCUSED ON YOU TONIGHT.

IT'S YOUR COMET. YOU DISCOVERED IT. IT'S NAMED AFTER YOU.

DO YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE THERE WHEN THE COLLISION OCCURS?

UH... OH, COME NOW, BILL.

WE'LL BARELY MAKE IT UNLESS I CAN SPEED UP.

BILL! BILL, COME BACK!

PEARL?

YES'M?

WILL YOU PLEASE PUT A FEW THINGS IN MY OVERNIGHT BAG?

YOU ALL GOING AWAY?

OH, JUST FOR A NIGHT OR SO.

TO A LITTLE SHACK WE HAVE ON MOUNT ROSS.

ALL ALONE?

YES. DIDN'T YOU EVER WANT

TO THINK SOMETHING OVER?

ALL BY YOURSELF?

YES'M.

I'M LEAVING A NOTE FOR THE PROFESSOR.

BE SURE HE GETS IT. YES, MA'AM.

WELL, I'LL HAVE TO GIVE THE LECTURE.

FORBES, GET ME THE LECTURE THAT WHITLEY PREPARED.

RIGHT, SIR.

YOU, PIERSON, TAKE THE CONTROL DESK AND LOOK AFTER THE LIGHTS.

STRAND, IT'S YOUR JOB TO MAKE THE ANNOUNCEMENT. BE GOOD WITH YOUR EXCUSES.

SAY THAT WHITLEY WAS TAKEN ILL-

THE FLU OR A SUDDEN ATTACK OF SECOND CHILDHOOD.

WHITLEY!

HELLO THERE.

MY BOY, WE'RE PROUD OF YOU TONIGHT.

OH, THANK YOU, DR. COCHRAN, VERY MUCH.

HELLO THERE. HELLO.

HOW'S HENRY DOING AT PRINCETON?

FINE.

GOOD.

BOYS, HOW ARE WE ALL? IS EVERYTHING FINE?

STRAND, YOU HAVE ANY MONEY? PAY MY TAXI, WILL YOU?

EVERYTHING READY? WHAT-

GOOD. WE'LL GET STARTED ON THE COMET RIGHT AWAY.

FORBES, ASK OUR GUESTS TO STEP UP TO THE GALLERY, WILL YOU? WE START AT ONCE.

YES, SIR.

SOME MIRACLE HAPPEN?

NO, NO. I JUST FIXED THINGS UP WITH MY USUAL INGENUITY.

YOU HAVEN'T KILLED HIM?

BETTER THAN THAT. I LIQUIDATED HIM.

LOOK, STOWE,

I WAS FACED BY THE FOLLOWING PROBLEM-

HOW TO PREVENT THAT FELLA FROM TALKING TO VICKY TONIGHT.

SO, WHAT DID I DO? LOOK.

MY SHACK AT MOUNT ROSS.

WELL, I INFORMED THE CHIEF AIR-RAID WARDEN,

WHO'S A PAL OF MINE,

THAT FROM HERE,

WE HAD SEEN A LIGHT OVER THERE, AN ENORMOUS LIGHT.

WELL, HE WAS VERY UPSET, SO AT MY SUGGESTION,

HE, AT ONCE, SENT HIS MOST RELIABLE MAN UP THERE

TO PATROL THE PLACE ALL NIGHT.

YOU GET IT? HIS MOST RELIABLE MAN.

MASTERFUL. NOW YOU CAN KEEP YOUR MIND ON YOUR WORK.

I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT HUNTER'S FACE WHEN HE GETS UP THERE.

I'VE MADE A LOT OF MISTAKES IN THE LAST FEW DAYS,

BUT THIS TIME, I'VE REALLY DONE SOMETHING SENSIBLE.

YES, JUST ONE LITTLE CALL TO MY VICKY TO SAY GOOD NIGHT,

AND I'M YOUR MAN.

WHAT'S THAT MAID'S NAME?

UH, UH, OH, YES. PEARL, PEARL.

HELLO. PEARL?

HAS MRS. WHITLEY COME IN YET?

OH, SHE WENT OUT AGAIN.

WHAT? SHE LEFT A NOTE?

OH, WELL, READ IT TO ME.

WHAT DOES IT SAY?

SHE-

SHE'S GONE UP TO OUR SHACK AT MOUNT ROSS?

PROFESSOR, THEY'RE WAITING FOR YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WE ARE HAPPY TO WELCOME YOU

AS GUESTS OF MOUNT JEFFERSON OBSERVATORY

AND TO HAVE YOU JOIN US IN WITNESSING

WHAT WE HOPE WILL BE A MEMORABLE EVENT.

PROFESSOR WHITLEY WILL BE YOUR GUIDE DURING THE PROCEEDINGS

AND WILL HIMSELF SHORTLY ADDRESS YOU.

AS YOU ALL VERY WELL KNOW, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE

FOR ALL OF US TO LOOK THROUGH THE EYEPIECE OF THE TELESCOPE

AT THE SAME TIME.

SO TONIGHT WE WILL USE A NEW DEVICE.

THE ENTIRE ACTION OF THE COMET'S COLLISION WITH THE MOON

WILL BE PROJECTED BY MEANS OF THIS PHOTOELECTRIC SCANNER

ONTO THAT SCREEN.

AND NOW...

PROFESSOR WILLIAM STUART WHITLEY.

OH, YEAH.

LADIES-

L- L-LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TONIGHT TO-TO WITNESS

AN OUTSTANDING CELESTIAL DRAMA.

UH, 2 HEAVENLY BODIES ARE ABOUT TO MEET.

UH... IN, UH...

UH...

UH, IN THE HISTORY OF COMETARY OBSERVATION,

THERE HAVE BEEN

2 ACTUALLY KNOWN COLLISIONS

BETWEEN COMETS AND PLANETS.

THE FIRST OCCURRED

WHEN A COMET CRASHED ON WHAT IS TODAY ARIZONA

SOME 1,200 YEARS AGO.

IT WAS, UH...

IT WAS QUITE A BIG FELLOW-

ABOUT 6'3".

THAT IS, UH, I MEAN THAT IT WAS, UH, UH,

6 MILLION OR 3 MILLION TONS.

UH, IT PRODUCED A PIT NOW KNOWN

AS THE, UH, THE GREAT CRATER OF ARIZONA.

UH, THE SECOND COMET FELL IN SIBERIA IN 1908,

AND FOR SEVERAL NIGHTS AFTER THIS IMPACT,

THE WHOLE COUNTRYSIDE WAS BRIGHT WITH RADIANCE

FOR-FOR THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF MILES

AND, UH, NOT A SINGLE AIR-RAID WARDEN

ANYWHERE AROUND.

UH, UH, THAT IS, WHAT I MEAN TO SAY

IS THAT IT-IT-IT GAVE THE EFFECT OF AN AIR RAID

AND, UH, CAUSED WIDESPREAD DESTRUCTION

AND, UH, GREAT CASUALTIES

AND, UH, UH, MANY FLOODS.

UH...

STRAND,

START THE SCANNER.

YOU, UH- YOU NOW SEE THE MOON...

UH, MAGNIFIED 100 DIAMETERS.

NOW, UH...

WITHIN, UH,

WITHIN 2 MINUTES, IF MY COMPUTATIONS ARE CORRECT,

THE COMET SHOULD ENTER THE SCANNER

AT THE UPPER LEFT-HAND CORNER.

NOW, UH, JUST, UH, CONCENTRATE ON THAT POINT,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THE SEEING IS VERY CLEAR TONIGHT.

YES, YES...

IT COULDN'T BE CLEARER.

UH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

DON'T GO IN, DARLING.

DON'T, DON'T.

WATCH THE UPPER LEFT-HAND CORNER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THE COMET IS ABOUT TO APPEAR.

THE COLLISION IS JUST 50 SECONDS AWAY.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE COLLISION IS VERY IMMINENT.

45 SECONDS.

GO AWAY.

GO AWAY, YOU.

YOU...

16, 15,

14, 13,

12, 11,

10, 9, 8,

7, 6, 5,

4, 3, 2, 1.

AND THIS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS-

AND THIS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

IS WHITLEY'S TRIUMPH!

HIS CALCULATIONS HAVE BEEN PROVED

EXACT TO THE SECOND.

CONGRATULATIONS, BILL. WE'RE ALL PROUD OF YOU.

THANKS VERY MUCH.

THIS HAS BEEN A REALLY GREAT NIGHT.

REALLY EXCELLENT.

OH, THAT WAS WONDERFUL.

ONE MORE, PLEASE.

I'M DYING FOR SOMEONE TO LOVE ME

TO CALL ME HER IDOL, HER OWN

I CAN'T BEAR

THE THOUGHT OF REMAININ'

FOREVER ON EARTH HERE ALONE

I WANT TO BE CALLED PET AND SWEETHEART

I WANT TO BE LOVED AND CARESSED

I WANT TO BE CARED FOR IN EARNEST

FOR FLIRTING EYE, I WILL DETEST

I'M DYIN'

I'M SIGHIN'

MERE FRIENDSHIP I EVER WILL SPURN

I'M DYIN'

I'M SIGHIN'

TO LOVE AND BE LOVED IN RETURN

CHARMING.

OH, BILL!

CHARMING.

BILL, YOU MUST HEAR HIS SONGS.

WE'VE HAD THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME.

HE KNOWS SONGS FROM EVERY COUNTRY-

RUSSIAN SONGS, HUNGARIAN SONGS, FRENCH SONGS.

OH, SO HE KNOWS FRENCH SONGS, HUH?

UH-HUH. IT'S BEEN SUCH FUN.

MM-HMM. IT'S A NICE INSTRUMENT YOU GOT HERE, BILL.

YOU KNOW, I HAD ONE EXACTLY LIKE IT,

BUT I WENT BROKE AND HAD TO PAWN IT IN A HOCK SHOP

IN A LITTLE ARABIAN VILLAGE CALLED AL-SHABABIBA.

YEAH. THAT'S WHERE I BOUGHT IT.

ARE YOU ASKING ME TO BELIEVE

THAT THIS TWO-HANDED CROONING JAM SESSION IN 6 LANGUAGES

HAS BEEN GOING ON ALL NIGHT?

WHY, OF COURSE. WHAT DID YOU THINK?

AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "ALL NIGHT"?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

IT MUST BE RATHER LATE.

IT'S MORNING.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

WE MUST HAVE BEEN TALKING FOR HOURS.

MM-HMM.

BILL, THE COMET- WHAT HAPPENED?

OH, SO YOU REMEMBERED THAT.

WELL, THANKS.

IT CAME AND WENT...

UNLIKE SOME OTHER CALLERS.

LOOK, BILL,

I CAME HERE TO AVOID MEETING LLOYD AGAIN.

BUT TONIGHT OF ALL NIGHTS, HE WAS SENT HERE.

DIDN'T I TELL YOU YESTERDAY WE WERE MERELY PAWNS?

WAS THAT ONLY YESTERDAY?

OUR COURSE HAS BEEN LAID OUT FOR US, HASN'T IT, LLOYD?

LLOYD?

WELL. SO YOU'RE CALLING HIM LLOYD.

I SUPPOSE YOU'RE CALLING HER VICKY.

WHY, NATURALLY.

DO YOU MIND IF I CALL YOU LLOYD?

NOT AT ALL.

THANKS. AND YOU CAN CALL ME BILL.

ALL RIGHT, BILL.

OK, LLOYD.

YOU-YOU'RE NOT ANGRY, BILL?

ANGRY? WHY SHOULD I BE ANGRY?

DO I LOOK ANGRY... LLOYD?

NOW, LOOK HE, BILL,

YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIT,

I HAVEN'T PULLED ANY STRINGS.

AND I-HAVEN'T I FOUGHT AGAINST THIS?

VICKY... I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

AHEM. EXCUSE ME.

I THINK I'LL HAVE ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE.

THE HOROSCOPE SAID NOTHING ABOUT YOUR DRINKING MY COFFEE.

VICKY, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND MY BEING REALISTIC.

BUT WOULD YOU TELL ME EXACTLY HOW WE STAND?

BILL, I THINK THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO.

LET'S PART FRIENDS.

PART FRIENDS?

NO HARD WORDS, NO ILL FEELINGS.

YOU, UH, EXPECT ME TO LIKE BEING

A BACHELOR AGAIN?

YOU'VE NEVER STOPPED BEING A BACHELOR.

BILL, BE HONEST. YOU'RE A BORN BACHELOR.

BUT LLOYD-

HE NEEDS ME MORE THAN YOU.

HIS LIFE IS EMPTY-

NO HOME, NO COMPANION,

SLEEPING IN HOTEL LOBBIES,

ALWAYS WALKING ALONE.

I'LL BUY HIM A DOG.

YOU ARE TIRED, BILL.

TOMORROW, WHEN WE ARE ALL RESTED,

WE'LL SEE WHAT'S TO BE DONE.

LLOYD, WE'RE LEAVING.

OH, SO SOON?

I THOUGHT I MIGHT SHOOT YOU SOME QUAIL BEFORE WE LEAVE.

OH, HOW NICE.

MAY I BORROW ONE OF YOUR GUNS, BILL?

OF COURSE YOU MAY.

HMM.

UH...

AND I SUPPOSE HE'LL BAG 2 WITH ONE SHOT.

HE HAS.

AND ONE FOR YOU.

HE MUST LIKE YOU, BILL.

WHY NOT?

A GOOD WIFE IS WORTH A QUAIL.

I'LL ASK HIM TO SHOOT ONE FOR NANCY POTTER.

BETTER STILL, ASK HIM TO SHOOT NANCY POTTER.

"CONCERNING YOUR PRESENT HUSBAND,

HE'LL ENJOY DECIDEDLY GOOD HEALTH THIS WEEK."

"PRESENT HUSBAND"?

"DECIDEDLY GOOD HEALTH"!

GOOD HEALTH.

SO I'LL ENJOY DECIDEDLY GOOD HEALTH, WILL I?

HMM, WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

OH, VICKY!

VICKY!

YES, NANCY.

I JUST GOT MY WEEKLY HOROSCOPE. DID YOU GET YOURS?

IT'S PROBABLY IN THE MAILBOX. I'LL GET IT LATER.

DON'T BOTHER. I'LL BRING IT UP TO YOU.

THANK YOU.

GOOD MORNING, PROFESSOR.

OOH, GOOD MORNING, DEAR NEIGHBOR.

VICKY ASKED ME TO BRING HER MAIL UP.

I'M JUST GETTING IT.

I KNOW WHAT'S IN THERE.

LET ME SEE-"MRS.", "MRS.", "MRS."

OH, HERE. YOU WOMEN ALWAYS GET ALL THE MAIL.

WELL, I'M OFF.

VICKY, THIS IS TERRIBLE.

WHAT IS?

YOUR HOROSCOPE.

"CONCERNING YOUR PRESENT HUSBAND,

"A DECIDEDLY DARK SHADOW HAS SUDDENLY CROSSED

"THE ASPECT OF HIS SIGN.

"IT MIGHT BE A VIOLENT ACCIDENT OR A

"IT MIGHT BE A VIOLENT ACCIDENT OR A FATAL COLLAPSE.

"IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL,

"BUT A DOOM HANGS OVER HIM

AND MIGHT FALL ANY MINUTE."

BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

HOW COULD SHE WRITE SUCH A THING?

I'M SURE IT'S A MISTAKE.

SHE NEVER MAKES A MISTAKE.

COULD I SPEAK TO MRS. SIBYLL?

IT'S YOU, MRS. SIBYLL. THIS IS MRS. WHITLEY.

I JUST GOT MY NEW HOROSCOPE,

BUT I'M SURE IT'S BEEN MIXED UP WITH SOMEBODY ELSE'S.

WHAT?

YES, YES, MRS. WHITLEY. I'M AFRAID SO.

EVERYTHING I SAID IS TRUE.

ONE CAN'T MISTAKE THE SIGNS.

THERE ARE FORCES BEYOND OUR CONTROL.

GO ON, OR I'LL DROP IT.

IT'S SHEER VANDALISM.

HAVEN'T YOU BROKEN UP MY MARRIAGE?

YES, MRS. WHITLEY. IT SEEMS A PITY.

SO YOUNG AND SUCCESSFUL A MAN.

BUT I'M SURE YOU'LL BE BRAVE.

OF COURSE. IT-

NO, NO, NO.

I- I CAN'T TAKE BACK A WORD.

HIS DAYS ARE NUMBERED.

I'M SORRY.

DO YOU EXPECT TO GET YOUR WIFE BACK THIS WAY?

I AM CONVINCED OF IT.

I KNOW YOU DESPISE ASTROLOGY,

BUT IT WAS A SCIENCE

2,000 YEARS BEFORE ASTRONOMY WAS EVER HEARD OF.

I SHAN'T LET YOU OR ANYONE DISTORT

THE WISDOM OF THE AGES AS WRITTEN IN THE ZODIAC.

OH, ZODIAC TO YOU.

AND LOOK, MADAM STARGAZER, WHEN I LEAVE HERE,

DON'T YOU CALL MY WIFE AND TELL HER THAT YOU WERE FORCED INTO THIS,

OR I'LL TELL THE WHOLE WORLD ABOUT YOU.

I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE FROM ANYONE.

MY PROFESSIONAL STANDING IS VOUCHED FOR

BY THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT ASTROLOGY.

NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT, UM,

SOMETHING ENTIRELY DIFFERENT,

AND YOU KNOW IT.

RUBBISH.

IS THAT SO?

WELL, TELL THAT TO THE F.B.I. WHEN THEY COME TO SEE YOU.

THE "F-" "B-"

"I".

I WARN YOU. YOU EXPOSE ME,

I EXPOSE YOU AND YOU, TOO.

WHY DID WE EVER TRUST NANCY POTTER?

QUIET.

NANCY POTTER, HUH?

HMM. WELL...

WHY DID YOU EVER TRUST HER?

I'M NOT EASILY FRIGHTENED.

GOOD DAY, PROFESSOR.

SHOW THE GENTLEMAN OUT.

ANY TELEPHONING THAT'S DONE AROUND HERE

WILL BE DONE BY ME.

THERE'S A NICKEL.

WHAT'S HE GOING TO DO?

PLENTY.

CAT AND DOG HOSPITAL.

UH...

GET ME EXTENSION 310-F.

WE HAVE NOT EXTENSION. YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG NUMBER, MY FRIEND.

GOOD. I'LL WAIT.

OH, STOP HIM. STOP HIM.

PLEASE DON'T-DON'T!

HELLO. HELLO. IS THAT YOU, NICK?

THIS IS THE CAT AND DOG HOSPITAL,

AND I'M DR. GURTCHAKOFF. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WELL, NICK, GO AHEAD

WITH THAT STORY ON MRS. S.

GET ME, NICK? MRS. S. AND HER GIRL FRIDAY.

LISTEN, MY FRIEND. THIS IS NOT FRIDAY, AND THIS IS NOT NICK.

OK, NICK, THIS IS THE TIPOFF. TAKE IT DOWN.

ONE SECOND, PROFESSOR.

ONE SECOND, NICK.

WELL?

I HAVE A PROPOSAL TO MAKE.

YOU GOING TO TALK TURKEY?

I DON'T TALK TURKEY. I TALK RUSSIAN.

HMM. UH, LOOK, NICK, I'LL CALL YOU BACK IN A FEW MINUTES.

EXPECT MY CALL, MY FRIEND.

WELL, MRS. SIBYLL?

SINCE YOU SEEM TO KNOW A GREAT DEAL...

EVERYTHING.

YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.

I'LL KEEP YOUR SECRET.

I'LL KEEP YOURS.

WHAT ABOUT THAT MAN YOU PHONED?

YES. NICK.

OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM.

HE'LL NEVER TELL WHAT WE KNOW.

WHAT DO WE KNOW?

HERE WE ARE.

DR. GURTCHAKOFF SHALL FIND OUT.

DON'T WORRY.

DR. GURTCHAKOFF?

YES, YES. I'M DR. GURTCHAKOFF.

HOW DO YOU DO? I'M PROFESSOR WHITLEY.

I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.

MY FRIEND, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT NUTS?

FIRST, YOU TELEPHONE ME AS NICK. THEN 10 MINUTES LATER,

YOU TELEPHONE ME AS PROFESSOR WHITLEY WHO WANTS TO SEE ME.

YES, I DO, AND BADLY. COME RIGHT IN, MY FRIEND.

WHERE'S THE DOG?

THERE IS NO DOG. IT'S ME.

LOOK, DOCTOR, I REALLY DO NEED YOU AS A FRIEND.

FRIEND? YEAH.

DO YOU EXPECT ME TO MAKE FRIENDS DURING BUSINESS HOURS?

OH, WAIT. LOOK...

ALL RUSSIANS ARE WONDERFUL FRIENDS.

TRUE. WE ARE WONDERFUL.

WELL, WHAT CAN I, GURTCHAKOFF, DO FOR YOU?

THIS IS THE IDEA.

IT'S A SORT OF JOKE.

MY WIFE WILL BE IN ALMOST ANY MINUTE.

NOW, ALL I WANT YOU TO DO IS TO TELL HER

THAT WHAT I NEED IS THE UTMOST CARE AND TENDERNESS.

WILL YOU DO THAT FOR ME?

I DO IT FOR DOGS. WHY NOT FOR A FRIEND?

YES! LOOK, SUPPOSE YOU PUT YOUR BAG RIGHT HERE

AND TAKE OUT A FEW INSTRUMENTS, HMM?

OH, YES, THAT'S FINE.

WHAT'S THAT?

OOH, THAT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE.

SHH.

HELLO. IS VICKY IN?

NO.

I FOUND A MESSAGE AT HOME ASKING ME TO COME OVER.

COME IN.

THIS IS DR. GURTCHAKOFF. MR. HUNTER.

ARE YOU ILL?

WELL, KIND OF WEAK.

YOU LOOK ALL RIGHT TO ME.

THE DOCTOR TAKES A DIFFERENT VIEW.

HE SAYS THAT IF I LOOKED LIKE I FEEL,

THAT I'D LOOK LIKE

SOMETHING THAT YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO LOOK AT.

DRINK A GLASS OF BRANDY FOR ONCE,

AND YOU'LL FEEL MUCH BETTER.

YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING THERE, MY FRIEND, BUT BRANDY, NEVER.

VODKA. THAT'S THE DRINK. HAVE YOU VODKA HERE?

WELL, I THINK-

AH, VODKA!

YEAH, BUT-WE KEEP THAT FOR GUESTS.

I DON'T DRINK.

MAYBE THAT'S YOUR TROUBLE, MY FRIEND.

ISN'T VODKA RATHER STRONG MEDICINE?

LEMON. TAKE A SLICE, MY FRIEND.

THAT'S NOT THE WAY TO DRINK VODKA.

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

NO LEMON ON THE TONGUE.

A LITTLE LEMON PEEL IN THE VODKA.

I'LL SHOW YOU.

WHO'S THAT?

ANOTHER FRIEND.

VLADIMIR, SPEAK.

HAVE NO FEAR.

HOW IS VODKA DRUNK,

LEMON ON TONGUE OR LEMON PEEL IN VODKA?

LEMON? NEVER LEMON.

WHAT?!

THE BEST RUSSIANS DRINK VODKA WITH PEPPER.

WHERE IS PEPPER?

WELL, UH-

YOU SHALL JUDGE WHICH IS BEST.

UH...

HEY, SURELY,

YOU DON'T WANT HIM TO DRINK ALL OF THOSE.

WHY NOT? HOW ELSE CAN HE JUDGE?

NOW, THIS IS THE ONE WITH THE LEMON PEEL...

AND THIS IS THE ONE WITH THE PEPPER.

NOW, MY FRIEND,

WHERE'S THE LEMON ON TONGUE?

OH, HE ATE IT.

TAKE ANOTHER ONE.

NOW DRINK.

YOU DRINK ALL OF THOSE,

YOU'LL STAND ON YOUR HEAD.

WELL, WHOSE HEAD IS IT, YOURS OR MINE?

TO THE RUSSKIS.

HMM.

WHO'S NEXT?

THE PEPPER IS BEAUTIFUL.

TO THE RUSSKIS.

HMM...

NOW YOURS.

SKIP MINE. YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH.

NO, I MUST BE FAIR TO YOU, MY FRIEND.

AH...

WHICH IS IT,

THE PEPPER?

YOU KNOW, I THINK

THIS REQUIRES A LITTLE MORE RESEARCH.

LET'S TRY IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

BUT THERE IS NO MORE VODKA.

THAT'S GOOD. HE'S HAD ENOUGH.

BUT HE DID NOT MAKE HIS DECISION.

IT IS THE ONE WITH THE PEPPER.

UH, RUSSIAN CAF�?

THIS IS PROFESSOR WHITLEY OF 2323 PARK DRIVE.

WOULD YOU SEND ME OVER A BOTTLE OF YOUR BEST VODKA?

OH, YOU CAN'T DELIVER JUST ONE BOTTLE.

WELL, CAN YOU SEND ME OVER A CASE?

GOOD. BY THE WAY, WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DRINK VODKA?

CINNAMON?

CINNAMON?!

YOU ARE CRAZY. HOW CAN YOU SAY CINNAMON?

I SAY, LOOK, WOULD YOU MIND COMING OVER HERE

AND SETTLING THIS ARGUMENT?

OH, HE SAYS HIS PLACE IS FULL OF CUSTOMERS.

WELL, BRING THEM OVER. BRING THEM ALL OVER.

AREN'T WE ALL FRIENDS?

IT'S A VERY EASY JOB. I'M SURE YOU'LL LIKE IT.

WE'RE VERY QUIET PEOPLE,

AND WE NEVER HAVE ANY GUESTS.

WHAT'S THAT NOISE?

IT MUST BE THE RADIO.

WELL! WELL!

"NEVER ANY GUESTS"!

BILL!

HELLO.

WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS?

DARLING, I'M JUST HAVING A LITTLE FLING.

MAYBE MY LAST ONE.

OH, LLOYD, HELP ME GET HIM UPSTAIRS.

,

PLEASE!

GOOD NIGHT!

GOOD NIGHT, MY FRIENDS.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, MY FRIENDS.

GOOD NIGHT, MY...

WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU LOOK PALE.

IT'S BILL. I JUST FOUND HIM ON THE FLOOR.

AGAIN?

YES. AND NOT BECAUSE SOME CRAZY DOCTOR INJECTED HIM WITH VODKA.

THIS TIME, HE CAN'T EVEN OPEN HIS HAND.

NOW, LISTEN, VICKY-

BUT WE MUST HAVE A DOCTOR AT ONCE.

IT CAN'T BE PUT OFF ANY LONGER.

WAIT. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY-

YOU CALLED DR. GREEN,

AND BILL GOT SO MAD YOU HAD TO CALL A DOCTOR FOR DR. GREEN.

WE CAN'T GO ON DOING NOTHING.

NOW, LOOK, DARLING, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT EXAGGERATING?

OF COURSE I'M NOT.

YOU READ THE HOROSCOPE YOURSELF.

BUT WHAT IF THE STARS ARE WRONG?

THEY WEREN'T WRONG ABOUT YOU, WERE THEY?

THEY BROUGHT US TOGETHER, DIDN'T THEY?

SORRY.

DON'T BE IMPATIENT, DEAR.

RUN UP AND AMUSE BILL FOR A WHILE.

ALL I WANT IS TO BE WITH YOU, ALONE WITH YOU FOR ONCE,

AND ALL YOU WANT FROM ME IS TO AMUSE HIM.

BUT WE MUSTN'T THINK OF OURSELVES NOW.

PLEASE, LLOYD, GO UP FOR MY SAKE.

FOR YOUR SAKE, WHAT WOULDN'T I DO?

OH, I'M SORRY,

BUT IT DROPPED RIGHT OUT OF MY HAND.

DON'T MIND ME.

I JUST WANT TO GET THE KEY FROM MY DESK.

I- I MUST GET MY AFFAIRS SETTLED

WHILE I STILL HAVE STRENGTH.

BILL, IF YOU DON'T GO BACK TO BED AT ONCE-

JUST A MINUTE.

AH, HERE WE ARE.

SOMEDAY, THESE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU.

I'M TAKING YOU UPSTAIRS RIGHT NOW.

OH. PROCEED, MY LOVE.

FOR A SICK MAN, YOU SEEM TO BE GAINING WEIGHT.

LLOYD.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR.

HUNTER, THE HOUSE IS PAID FOR.

LOOK HERE, BILL, IN ALL SERIOUSNESS,

WE MUST CONSULT A DOCTOR.

WHY NOT CONSULT ME? I'M FINE NOW.

I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER.

YOU SEE, ALL I NEED IS TO BE WITH YOU.

VICKY, YOU KNOW, AS LONG AS YOU'RE SOMEWHERE NEAR ME,

I'M HAPPY.

JUST... JUST LET ME SIT HERE.

HUH. YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT SEEMS A LONG TIME SINCE I WAS HERE IN YOUR ROOM.

MAY I?

I COULD STAY LIKE THIS FOR 100 YEARS.

150.

DID YOU SPEAK?

WHAT ABOUT 10?

I'LL COMPROMISE FOR ONE YEAR...

ONE HOUR...

ONE MINUTE...

TURN IT OFF, PLEASE.

BUT WHY? IT'S PRETTY.

S - STOP IT. DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

WHY, YES. IT'S, UH...

THE MERRY WIDOW.

YES?

YES.

YES, YES.

NO. RIGHT AWAY.

I'LL BE THERE AS SOON AS I CAN.

UH, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'LL BE BACK SOON.

I'M SO GLAD YOU CALLED. I'VE BEEN TERRIBLY WORRIED.

NO DOUBT ABOUT YOUR AILING HUSBAND.

YES. OF COURSE.

I HAD MY REASONS FOR AVOIDING A MEETING.

BUT WHY?

MRS. WHITLEY, I'VE ASKED YOU HERE

TO UNBURDEN MYSELF, CLEAR MY CONSCIENCE.

IT SOUNDS VERY MYSTERIOUS.

IT WON'T BE FOR LONG. STELLA.

DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD?

STELLA.

VERY WELL, MRS. SIBYLL.

FOLLOW ME, MRS. WHITLEY...

CLOSELY.

MRS. WHITLEY, WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.

I'VE TRIED TO LIVE MY LIFE CAREFULLY,

AND I THINK I HAVE.

I'VE UPHELD AS WELL AS THE NEXT ONE

THE LAWS OF THIS LAND.

BUT FOR ONCE, I'VE DONE A TERRIBLE THING.

YOU? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

IT'S THE TRUTH, UNFORTUNATELY.

BEHIND THIS SECRET DOOR IS HIDDEN

THE EVIDENCE OF MY CRIME.

STELLA, PRESS THE BUTTON.

MRS. SIBYLL-

THE BUTTON.

3,000 OF THEM.

YESTERDAY, I DECLARED EVERY ITEM

TO THE RATION BOARD.

I WON'T GET ANY COUPONS UNTIL 1987,

AND IT SERVES ME RIGHT.

BUT THIS, MRS. WHITLEY,

IS HOW YOUR HUSBAND FORCED ME TO LIE TO YOU.

AND NOW, MRS. WHITLEY,

ABOUT THAT AILING HUSBAND OF YOURS.

THERE.

OH, THANKS.

VICKY BACK YET?

NO.

YOU KNOW WHERE SHE WENT?

YES.

WHERE?

TO MRS. SIBYLL'S.

UH...

YOU SAID MRS. SIBYLL'S?

I DID.

WELL, I WONDER WHAT FOR.

SOMETHING URGENT. MRS. SIBYLL PHONED

AND SAID SOMETHING WAS ON HER CONSCIENCE.

CONSCIENCE?

CONSCIENCE.

YEAH? WELL, THAT DOES IT.

THAT DOES IT.

EXIT WILLIAM STUART WHITLEY-

DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY, MASTER OF ARTS,

BACHELOR OF...

BACHELOR.

TOO BAD, OLD MAN.

GOOD-BYE, VICKY.

YOU WANT YOUR FREEDOM, DARLING.

I'M GOING TO LET YOU HAVE IT.

WELL, SO LONG, HUNTER.

AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL YOUR WIFE?

TELL HER I HOPE

YOU'LL MAKE HER A BETTER HUSBAND THAN I'VE BEEN.

IT WON'T BE FOR LONG, THOUGH,

IF YOU PUT YOUR FEET UP LIKE THAT.

AH, HUNTER... THAT'S ANOTHER THING SHE DOESN'T LIKE-

KNOCKING YOUR PIPE OUT IN THE LIVING ROOM.

THANKS. I'LL TRY TO REMEMBER THAT.

GOOD LUCK.

UH, WHITLEY.

YEAH?

YOU'RE NOT LEAVING.

NO? NO.

OH, YES, I AM. RIGHT NOW.

I'LL SEND FOR MY THINGS.

HERE YOU STAY.

HERE I GO.

VICKY LEFT YOU IN MY CHARGE,

AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE HERE WHEN SHE COMES BACK.

YOU KNOW, I'M BEGINNING TO DISLIKE YOU.

TOO BAD, BECAUSE I LIKE YOU.

HMM, IF I WERE ONLY HOUDINI.

BUT YOU'RE NOT HOUDINI, AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET OUT.

ANY IDEAS?

HMM.

WELL, NOW I KNOW HOW HOUDINI FELT IN SCOTLAND YARD-

THE TIME HE WAS STRIPPED, SHACKLED,

LOCKED IN A STEEL CELL,

THEN DISCOVERED HE'D FORGOTTEN

THE MASTER FILE HE ALWAYS CARRIED, HIDDEN IN HIS MOUTH.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME HE DIDN'T GET OUT?

HE GOT OUT, ALL RIGHT. AND IN 10 SECONDS. WANT ME TO SHOW YOU HOW?

YOU CAN TRY.

OH, WELL, UH...

NOW, THIS CLOSET-

AH, AH.

IT'S ONLY A CLOSET.

SEE? NOW, THIS'LL BE A STEEL CELL.

YOU'LL BE HOUDINI, AND I'LL BE SCOTLAND YARD.

NOW, YOU SIT DOWN, AND I'LL LOCK YOU UP.

AH, AH. YOU BE HOUDINI,

AND I'LL LOCK YOU UP.

ALL RIGHT, YOU LOCK ME UP.

GO AHEAD. LOOK AROUND. THERE ARE NO WINDOWS, NO TRAP DOORS.

I HAVE NOTHING IN MY MOUTH, NOTHING UP MY SLEEVES.

OK, DO YOUR STUFF.

ALL RIGHT. COUNT 10.

HERE WE GO.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5,

6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

WHAT OTHER GAMES DO YOU KNOW?

WHITLEY! WHITLEY!

GOOD-BYE, HOUDINI.

WHITLEY!

BILL?

WHERE ARE YOU?

WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER?

I'M SURE YOU'RE HIDING.

OH...

SO THERE YOU ARE.

YOU COWARD- HIDING IN THE CLOSET,

AND QUITE RIGHT, TOO.

YOU GREAT BIG FAKE,

YOU CHEAT, YOU FORGER.

OPEN UP AT ONCE.

I KNOW EVERYTHING.

SO MANY LIES JUST TO TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME.

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

YOU DESERVE A GOOD BEATING.

AND, DARLING, SO DO I,

FOR NOT KNOWING I MEANT SO MUCH TO YOU.

BILL WHITLEY,

OPEN THAT DOOR, OR I'LL BREAK IT DOWN.

LOOKING FOR BILL?

LLOYD.

WHERE IS HE?

GONE.

COME IN, LLOYD.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO DO?

DEFINITELY.

HE'S LEFT ME WITHOUT A WORD, WITHOUT A SIGN.

WHY DON'T YOU WAIT A LITTLE LONGER?

I'VE WAITED 3 WEEKS. THAT'S ALL I CAN STAND.

MIGHT AS WELL GET IT OVER WITH.

I'M SURE HE'LL COME BACK.

NEVER.

AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

I WAS GIVEN AN OVERDOSE OF HAPPINESS,

AND IT WENT TO MY HEAD.

I'LL DROP YOU A LINE FROM RENO.

REMEMBER, VICKY, NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE,

IF YOU EVER NEED A GOOD AIR-RAID WARDEN,

JUST LEAVE YOUR LIGHT IN YOUR WINDOW.

WELL, GOOD LUCK, VICKY.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

OH, OH, UNCLE DAN.

IF ONLY I'D FOLLOWED YOUR ADVICE,

I WOULD NOT TODAY BE

THE WOMAN WHO LIFE PASSED BY.

CAN THESE BROKEN HEARTS BE MENDED

AND SET ONCE MORE ON THE HIGH ROAD TO HAPPINESS?

WILL JOHN, WHO WAS IN LOVE WITH JUNE,

COME BACK TO JOAN, WHO GENUINELY LOVES JUNE'S HUSBAND GENE?

WE CAN'T BE SURE.

BUT ONE THING WE CAN BE SURE OF IS THAT WHEN IT COMES

TO A REFRESHING BATH,

NOTHING CAN TOP GRUBBLE'S DOUBLE BUBBLE SOAP.

IT'S THE END OF BUBBLE TROUBLE-

BILL?

WHERE IS HE?

WHERE IS HE?

VICKY!

OH, DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT. I KNOW BILL'S HERE.

HE'S BEEN HERE ALL THE TIME.

YOU'VE BEEN HIDING HIM-

ALL YOU MEN IN A CONSPIRACY AGAINST ME.

I KNOW HE'S HERE.

LOOK, VICKY, I ASSURE YOU-

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

I'LL SEARCH THE PLACE.

YOU SEE?

I ONLY WISH HE WERE HERE.

WE NEED HIM, TOO.

I'M SORRY TO HAVE BEEN SUCH A NUISANCE.

I GIVE UP NOW.

AND I MISSED MY TRAIN, TOO.

REMEMBER THAT AT 11:00 EVERY NIGHT?

I ALWAYS WONDERED HOW CLEARLY HE COULD SEE ME.

LIKE TO LOOK?

CLEAR NOW?

YES.

OH, IT SEEMS SO EMPTY, SO LONELY.

IT WASN'T LONELY

WHEN YOU USED TO STAND THERE WAVING TO BILL.

HIS HEART WAS THERE, EVEN IF HE WASN'T.

HIS LOVE WAS THERE, AND I THOUGHT YOURS WAS.

YOU KNOW, I'M GOING TO MISS THE SHACK, TOO.

WE WERE ALWAYS GOING TO SPEND THE WEEKEND THERE AND NEVER DID.

CAN YOU SEE IT?

NO. NOT YET.

WAIT. THERE IT IS.

AND THERE'S SOME...

IT'S BILL!

HUH?

OH, BILL! I'VE FOUND HIM.

I'VE FOUND HIM!

FORBES! STRAND! PIERSON!

I'M DYING

I'M SIGHING

MERE FRIENDSHIP

I EVER WILL SP-

*SPUR-

SPURN

I'M DYING

I'M SIGHING

C- COME OUT, OR I'LL SHOOT.

GO AHEAD AND SHOOT.

I WOULDN'T BLAME YOU.

WELL... I'M SORRY,

BUT, UH, I'M NOT SHOOTING ANYBODY,

EXCEPT BY APPOINTMENT.

OH, BILL.

BILL, DARLING,

HOW COULD YOU VANISH LIKE THIS?

I'VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

HOW DID YOU LIVE? HOW DID YOU EAT?

I, UH, SHOT MY FOOD.

QUAIL?

SOUP.

NOODLE SOUP.

I SHOT THE TOPS OFF.

OH, BILL.

BILL, I KNOW HOW WRONG I'VE BEEN.

WILL YOU EVER BE ABLE TO LOVE ME AGAIN?

PERHAPS A LITTLE LATER?

MAYBE... MAYBE A MONTH FROM NOW?

A YEAR?

4 SECONDS, 3 SECONDS,

2 SECONDS...

WHAT ABOUT RIGHT NOW?

OH, BILL.