Original subtitles

[PLAYFUL ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

[YELPS]

Any news? Are you pregnant?

I don't know. I just peed.

On a stick?

No, in the toilet and a little on the seat.

Okay, look, the minute I take that test,

our lives are gonna change forever.

So I just wanna put that off for a little while

and enjoy my life the way it is.

You don't need to take a test.

I can feel it in my bones that my bone did the job.

Oh, Wayne.

Man, you weren't kidding about that seat.

??

Got more donations for the rummage sale Saturday.

Ooh, I hope there's something good in there.

If it's another severed doll head, I'm gonna scream.

There's just not a market for them anymore.

Yeah, who would pay a quarter for this?

That's mine.

Okay, uh, you're late.

What? How do you know?

Uh, 'cause clocks?

Let's get started.

- Please? - Oh, baby.

What's he doing here? I don't do children's choirs.

I was hoping he could get a little singing practice.

Yeah, I'm gonna compete in the Conley Fork's Finest pageant.

Ah, "finest."

Perfect word to use

when excellence is out of reach.

It's your traditional teen boy pageant

that was forced to allow girls to compete.

I have a really good chance at winning this year.

Just don't get your hopes up too high.

You definitely deserve it.

It's just that the most deserving person doesn't always win.

Don't discourage him.

Anything is possible.

You reach for the stars, and you might not get 'em,

but at least you won't end up with a handful of mud.

That cannot be what you meant.

Uh, now, Wayne does have a point.

Winner is always some kid who grew up

with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Yeah. Only plastic spoons for us, baby.

Ooh, I wonder who got the golden invitation

to be a judge this year.

Wait, did you say "golden invitation"?

- I got one yesterday. - Where is it?

How do they know where you live?

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com

[PLAYFUL ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

How could you throw it away?

I thought it was a jury summons.

But it's on gold paper.

Well, I thought they were trying to impress me.

Also, you can't throw away a jury summons.

Is there anything good for the church rummage sale?

You know what they say. One man's trash is another man's... [GASPS]

It's just so many toenail clippings.

How many toes do you have?

Found it!

Oh, baby, you didn't think twice

about pulling something gross out of the garbage.

I worry that's on me.

"Dear Dr. Cochran,

"we cordially invite you to serve as a judge

"for the 57th annual Conley Fork's Finest pageant.

"We are impressed by your advanced degrees

and impressive career"...

They said "impressed" twice, but I don't mind.

... "but mostly because you're the only person in town

"to have your own Wikipedia page.

Wow."

That's their "wow," not mine.

But I do agree. It's pretty gosh darn cool.

Oh, great. Another elitist snob on the judging panel.

I grew up just like you, but

with a less stupid accent.

But I made it to the top of my field.

I... I believe in people

pulling themselves up by their bootstraps.

I think you mean "boob-straps."

I absolutely do not.

See? With Arthur as a judge,

Cash definitely has a chance.

Now, if I do this, I have to be impartial.

Cash gets no preferential treatment.

Well, you may not be able to be swayed by Cash...

No, no, no.

But maybe you can be swayed by...

Cash!

- Ooh! - Look how cute he is.

- Ooh! - Does nothing for me.

- ? Hey, hey, hey, hey ? - ["CAMPTOWN RACES" ON PIANO]

ALL: ? Who's the finest kid in town? ?

? I am, I am ?

? Who will win the shiny crown? ?

? You can bet it's me ?

[PLAYING JAUNTY PIANO TUNE]

??

Cassius Clay Hawlings.

[GASPS] Look at our little man up there, so excited.

Blake Lake, Jr.

Yeah, he doesn't know what's gonna hit him.

You know that Blake Lake, Jr. kid is gonna win.

Someone from his family wins every year.

Will you just let Cash enjoy this?

This might be the last time he has in the spotlight

before the new baby comes,

and then he has to play second fiddle.

That's why I killed my twin in the womb.

Statute of limitations. You can't turn me in.

ALL: ? Gonna make you proud ?

? Gonna lead the way ?

? If invaders come to town ?

? We'll stop them, hooray ?

- Hey! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Well, welcome.

These fine young boys and girl are competing

to find out who is Conley Fork's finest.

Let's meet our distinguished judges, shall we?

Belinda Sue Walton.

She's a beauty consultant

and University of Kentucky applicant.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Thank you.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

Podcaster and former winner of this very pageant,

Mr. Torsten VanBlaricum.

- [SUBDUED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Cherish this time, boys and girl.

Cherish it.

And famous choir director,

Mr. Arthur Cochran.

- "Doctor." - Deliver a baby and we'll talk.

[APPLAUSE]

[ELECTROACOUSTIC MUSIC]

This is a great choice.

It'll go great with that sweater.

Just don't wear it to church, okay?

Okay. [CHUCKLES]

You ready to run our play?

Are we sure we wanna capitalize on the rumor

that you, uh, allegedly...

Murdered my husband? Why not?

It keep the brunches and the group texts at bay.

And it helps the church make some money.

Good, because Ms. Mae over there

never misses an episode of "Dateline."

[DRAMATICALLY] Are you still taking donations?

I'd like to get rid of this old hammer.

Only used once and wiped clean afterward.

I'll give you $40 for that.

$50 if it's still got her fingerprints.

$60 and you have a deal.

[PLAYFUL ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

It's an honor to shape young minds, isn't it?

Forget about minds. It's strength that matters.

Who can withstand torture or probing?

- Probing? - It's when you stick something up...

Yeah, yeah, I know...

I know what probing is.

What does... what does that have to do with this?

In 1963, Americans went to outer space.

Well, in Conley Fork, we asked,

"What if space came to us?"

In case of an alien landing, we needed a representative

to greet the extraterrestrials,

hence Conley Fork's Finest.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

So the plan is to send a child

to confront the alien invasion?

They're less threatening.

Of course, no one still believes that stuff.

During the interview round,

the contestants will be asked the question,

"Why should the aliens spare Conley Fork?"

Thank you for that excellent question.

What kind of aliens are we talking about?

Look how we've destroyed the environment.

Do we even deserve to be spared?

I'd like to answer in dance.

... fertile soil is rich in nitrogen,

which is essential to most life-forms.

??

And they're gonna be like, "We come in peace."

And I'm gonna be like... [IMITATES LASER GUN]

"You're gonna have to go through me."

All right! That is my son!

Blast 'em back to hell, sweetie!

[IMITATES LASER GUN]

I know Jesus would give a stranger the shirt off his back,

but this one's not for sale.

You know what?

Good enough for Jesus; good enough for me.

Karl, what are you doing here?

Other than making me fight impure thoughts in a church?

I got a guy who wants to buy your husband's necktie.

Now, he's offered $10, but I think I can get $20

if I imply you strangled him with it.

- What? - You know.

The whole "Adams murdered her husband" thing.

No, I don't know about the husband or the murder.

Oh, well, just forget I said anything.

[CHUCKLES SHORTLY]

I was previously married.

Oh, I gathered. Yeah.

How's he doing these days?

Oh, he's good.

He's dead.

Oh, man, this is more nerve-racking

than a DUI checkpoint.

Cash'll be crushed if he loses.

Would you relax?

Cash is doing great,

and Arthur is a beacon of fairness and reason.

It says so in his email signature.

Here are the scores from our first round.

First up, Cassius Clay Hawlings.

Ms. Belinda Sue Walton...

Mr. VanBlaricum...

and Mr. Dr. Cochran.

- He gave Cash a six? - He gave Cash a six!

I mean, boo!

You're a six!

Not you or you but you, Arthur!

You're actually a four.

How could you give Cash a six?

I know the scale is one to ten,

but they said six was the lowest we could go

without making the kids cry.

I thought you said you were gonna be fair.

I thought this was based on merit.

Well, if it was based on merit,

he would have gotten a three.

Cash wants this so badly, and he spoke from the heart.

- [CLEARS THROAT] - Shouldn't that be enough?

I mean, why would anyone bring a child into a world

that doesn't reward heart-speaking?

You had me at, "Why would anyone bring a child into the world?"

[SNICKERS]

??

A few years ago,

my husband, Keith, went on a fishing trip,

and he didn't come back.

So now everyone in town assumes I killed him

and fed his body to the catfish.

Blah, blah, blah.

I don't understand how you can joke about this.

It's not a joke. Catfish are carnivores.

That'd be how I did it...

If I'd done it...

which I didn't.

[MYSTERIOUSLY] Or did I?

I didn't.

[SIGHS, CLICKS TONGUE]

I don't know what this game is,

but I want a relationship where we can talk.

So call me when you're ready.

[SOLEMN ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

??

Uh, this might be a bad time,

but there's a guy that'll give the church 20 bucks

if you pose for a selfie with him and a roll of duct tape.

Gimme that duct tape.

Bottom line.

[MELLOW ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

? On a warm summer's eve ?

? On a train bound for nowhere ?

? I met up with a gambler ?

? We were both too tired to sleep ?

? So we took turns a-starin'... ?

Kid is amazing. He could actually win this.

What if he does and success goes to his head

and then he turns to drugs and alcohol?

We'd be so upper middle class.

? ... son, I've made a life ?

? Out of reading people's faces ?

? Knowin' what their cards were ?

? By the way they held their eyes ?

? So if you don't mind me saying ?

I should call my buddy, Dookie, and place a bet on him.

Bettin' on children? Back to working class.

? ... a taste of your whiskey ?

? I'll give you some advice ?

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY]

? You've got to know when to hold 'em ?

When to hold 'em!

- ? Know when to fold 'em ? - When to fold 'em.

? Know when to walk away ?

When to walk away...

Nope, that's not a sing-along part.

? You never count your money ?

? When you're sittin' at the table ?

? There'll be time enough for countin' ?

? When the dealing's done ?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- Go Cash! - He did so good!

- I love you, baby! - Wow!

[TEARFULLY] He just made that up?

It's so good.

[SIGHS]

Eight? Did you hear that voice?

I need to leave some room in case anyone else is better.

Well, I don't... I don't see how anybody could be better.

[PLAYING VIRTUOSIC PIANO MUSIC]

??

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I-I'm embarrassed

for the person I was 45 seconds ago.

That kid is much better.

[PLAYFUL ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

??

Cash, baby, what are you doing out here?

The next round's gonna start soon.

Unless...

Are you entering from the audience like "The Price Is Right"?

What? No, Dad.

Blake Lake, Jr. is kicking my butt

worse than those seventh-grade girls do.

Listen, all you have to do is believe in yourself.

Imagine you're the only kid up there,

and you're not sharing the spotlight

or your room with anybody.

Make today the best day of your entire life!

He's gone.

You gotta stop encouraging him.

The world just isn't fair.

Oh, no. I don't accept that.

There's gotta be a way we can help Cash win.

Well, I think what you're talking about...

is cheating.

Eh?

You may have put my credit score in the 400s,

but it's nice to have you around for the shady stuff.

I may no longer be your husband,

but I'll always be your scumbag.

Okay, I'm gonna see if

I can convince Torsten to give Cash a higher score.

I'll work on Arthur.

Call us the grounds crew

'cause we're about to level the playing field.

Whoo.

[PLAYFUL ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

??

Ooh, my hammies are burning.

Glad it's not my pee, though. Am I right?

Can we not make small talk when we're both exposed

in a room built for children?

Oh, you're playing it like that, huh?

I think it would be a real shame

if something were to happen to that boat of yours.

Say someone broke the engine?

The engine's already broken.

A squirrel lives in there.

Shame if something were to happen to that squirrel, though.

Are you threatening me, Wayne?

I'm trying to, but it's hard when you don't have anything

that's valuable or that you love.

Oh, come on, man.

Ginny's gonna be pissed as hell if I don't get you to help us.

Ginny's involved?

Did she instruct you to do a terrible job?

Was peeing the entire time part of the plan?

Oh. [EXHALES]

Hope there's no hard feelings.

You've gotta be kidding.

You're right.

??

I asked you here because I accidentally overheard

your conversation with Karl.

That was a lie. I was eavesdropping.

Today's my moral cheat day.

Well, then today's my social niceties cheat day.

So get to the damn point.

I've often bitten my tongue

watching you besmirch your own reputation,

but I'd hate to see it getting in the way

of a promising relationship.

The way I choose to grieve the loss of my husband

is nobody's business.

Or is that just something you say

when you don't wanna let anybody get too close?

I'm sorry. Perhaps I've overstepped.

No.

You're not wrong about that.

Just sometimes I think...

You know it's wintertime outside, right?

[GASPS] Sorry.

[CHUCKLES] High beams. Continue.

It's always been hard for me to let people in.

So having people think I'm a murderer

is a very effective way of keeping them out.

If you're running into this problem with Karl,

you're gonna run into it again with the next Karl

and the next Karl.

To be clear, I'm not talking about three men named Karl.

- It's symbolic for... - Got it, man.

And now I think his name is weird.

[ELECTROACOUSTIC MUSIC]

So on your podcast,

you interview other winners of the Conley Fork's Finest?

That is fascinating.

What's it called and how do I subscribe?

It's called "Tour de Torsten,"

and I don't know.

Don't fall for it.

She's just trying to get her kid a higher score.

I knew it was weird that somebody was talking to me.

[SIGHS]

Mother warned me about women.

What the hell's going on with you?

I just...

I really, really want Cash to win

so he believes that the world is a fair place.

So you wanna show your son

that the world is fair by cheating?

It's like this trampoline.

The more advantages somebody is born with,

the more springs they have.

So they bounce really, really high,

and everybody thinks that they're God's gift.

But if you don't have money for piano lessons, well...

You take away a spring.

You're born in the wrong place?

Take away another spring.

You have to share your toys with your younger sibling

because your mom got horny for her snake-tatted ex-husband.

Well, how many do we take off for that?

[HUFFS] Hang on. Hang on.

Wait, are you pregnant?

Wayne and I, we did a little backsliding,

and I might be a little pregnant.

But I'm just not ready to take the test.

You know you don't have to study for it.

Arthur, my life is just spiraling out of control.

And I just... I wanted to give Cash

one really great moment before his whole world changes.

Tell you what...

I will do whatever I can

to make sure Cash wins.

What happened to being fair and impartial?

It just occurred to me that I am judging a contest

to see which kid gets to meet the space alien,

and so, I thought maybe I could come down off my high horse...

for Cash.

[TENDER ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

Well, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, for his athletic portion,

Blake Lake, Jr. has brought a special certain UK mascot

to help him out.

- No way. - It's Scratch!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh... [MUTTERS ANGRILY]

Ugh.

Hey. Psst! Hey.

I... I know I just tried to bribe someone,

but he's actually trying to buy the contest.

I mean, that's not the real Scratch,

but still, fake Scratch ain't free.

Yeah, what does... What does that have to do

- with athletic ability? - Ugh.

Blake Lake, Jr. will now jump over Scratch

and dunk a basketball.

I actually kind of wanna see that.

- What? Ugh. - Can this kid actually dunk?

Well, he's using a mini trampoline,

as did eight previous pageant winners.

Not I. I did a baton routine.

You think it's the same mini trampoline?

I mean, it's a public school.

How many mini trampolines do you think they have?

We should really say something.

We should definitely say something.

- Absolutely. No doubt. - CROWD: Two...

- Right? - CROWD: One!

??

[TRAMPOLINE BOINGS]

[BOTH GRUNT]

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

- Oof. - Scratch!

[SOLEMN ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

Oh, my God, Arthur.

Arthur, we sabotaged a child.

"We"? I don't recall touching any springs.

Mom, what are you talking about?

You didn't do that, did you?

Of course I didn't do it...

On purpose... I don't think.

Shame about Blake Lake, Jr., but with him out of the way,

you're the odds-on favorite.

How about another round of applause for our kids?

One of our contestants would like to say something.

Cash?

Blake Lake, Jr. was going to win,

and it's not his fault he got hurt.

- So I think... - I'll compete in his place.

It's my duty as a former finest boy.

Uh, I just thought that we should say he wins?

- Yeah! - Okay, well...

what do the judges say?

Uh, yes. Yes, with no hesitation

and absolutely nothing weighing on my conscience. Yes.

We have a winner.

Blake Lake, Jr.!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[VICTORIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

??

? There he is ?

? Our finest son ?

? He is brave and smart ?

? The finest one ?

??

God, I should have killed myself when I had the chance.

He turned out pretty good, didn't he?

Yeah. He's going places.

Maybe having another child wouldn't be the worst idea.

Time to pee on a stick.

Hey...

maybe aim for the seat and you'll hit the stick.

[SIGHS]

- What? - [PLAYFUL ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

??

Glad you called me.

Unless you're gonna murder me too.

- Do I get to make those jokes? - It's fun, isn't it?

- Yeah. - [CHUCKLES]

Listen, I like you, and you're right.

We should be able to talk about anything...

That happens outside of the bathroom.

- Oh yeah, we're not there yet. - We'll never be there.

And I do wanna tell you about Keith.

I just need a little more time.

Take all the time you need. I'm here for you.

- I'll call you later, yeah? - Yeah.

Okay.

[DRAMATIC ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

??

Keith, we need to talk.

[TENDER ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

Well...

I was wrong.

- I'm not pregnant. - Oh.

Well, I'm not gonna lie.

Part of me is disappointed.

Aw.

- Oh, hey, sweetie. - Hey, son.

I am so proud of you.

You chose fairness over an easy win,

and in my eyes, you will always be Conley Fork's finest.

- Yeah, and he's smart too. - Mm-hmm.

Blake Lake, Jr. paid out eight-to-one odds.

Spend it all in one place. Screw the haters.

You bet against your own son?

No, it was his idea.

When Blake Lake, Jr. got hurt,

he had the brilliant idea to bet against him.

- What? - That's when I threw the contest.

Do the right thing and make some bank.

That is your son.

Darn right he is.

I need a shot.

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