All language subtitles for Outmatched s01e08_English

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These parents are Outmatched.

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-Bingo.
-Only on Fox.

-Hey, Irwin.
-Yo.

I bet you dinner
I make this shot.

I'll have the... lobster!

Please pick somewhere cheap.

No, don't let him choose!

I pick the cafeteria
at Hogwarts!

That doesn't exist, Irwin.

Yeah, well,
that's not my problem.

You lost the bet.
Figure it out.

Hey, instead of us paying
for dinner,

what about a wine tasting
on the 17th...

that we have free tickets to?

It's at Atlantic City's
only vineyard.

The Mob used to own the land.

They say that's why
the ground is so fertile.

You know what?
We can't on the 17th.

We're having people over.

Oh. That's weird.

What? Did the Evite go
to our spam?

Well, I'm-I'm sorry
for the confusion, Kay.

You were never invited.

Uh...

No, it's just some people

that we're friends with
at the kids' school.

Yeah, it's nothing personal.
It's our Room Seven crew.

-Oh.
-(chuckles)

-Room Seven for life!
-For life! Yeah, yeah!

(both laugh)

-Sorry, inside joke.
-Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

'Cause it hurts me
on the inside.

Well, um, but, I mean,

I guess it's okay
if you guys want to come.

Yeah, if you just
bring your own chairs.

No, no, it's fine.

We were the ones
with plans first,

so we'll just do those plans
with our other friends.

Yeah.

That's exactly what we'll do.

Do we have other friends?

(laughs)
Aw, Mike.

What?

Oh. I'm sorry.

I-I was thinking
about Room Seven Mike.

-(laughs loudly)
-That dude's hilarious.

That boy's crazy.

-He's much taller than you.
-(laughing): He is.

*

I have a question, Marc.

I have an exclamation point.

I thought
I'd try my hand at humor.

I am done now.

Hey, babe.

So, what are we bringing to Rita
and Irwin's for the party?

No, we are not going to that.

That was a pity invite.

Kay Mollen does not accept
pity invites.

Except you're not Kay Mollen.
You're Kay Bennett.

And Bennetts live
on pity invites.

That's how we got
on the Mayflower.

If we accept a pity invite,

they will lose respect for us,

and soon, all of our invites
will be pity invites.

Just look
at what we're up against.

This is Rita and Irwin's
Room Seven crew.

Oh, my God.

If civilization ends,

I want Room Seven
to repopulate the planet.

Rita and Irwin have
this whole other social life,

and all we have is them.

I mean, we should
at least have more friends

than we have kinds of mustard.

How did this happen?

I used to have friends
all over the place.

Every girl I asked out
in high school said

she liked me better as a friend.

We lost them all because
it's hard to keep friends

when your family is
a walking hurricane

that also corrects your grammar.

Well, maybe it's time to restock
the old friend fridge.

Yeah. Yeah,
this shouldn't be hard.

I mean, we're a catch.

Yeah, if we just
put in the effort,

we'll find some people to drink
Mafia wine with us at the...

"Fuh-Grape-Aboudit Vine Yard
and Sanitation"?

I'll go to the Vine Yard
and drink with you, Mommy.

Oh, sweetie,
not until you're old enough...

to look like my old I.D.

Wow. I've never been
the most athletic person

in the gym before.

-What is this, a robot prom?
-It's an A.I. tournament,

featuring the greatest computer
minds east of Egg Harbor.

This year, we've trained an A.I.
to recognize the smell

of the Rafflesia arnoldii,

a notoriously
foul-smelling flower.

That's right.
I stole it from a lab.

Who's the bad boy
of science now?

Who was it before?

They've trained a robot
to smell a gross flower?

How about one that drives them
to school in the morning

so I can avoid
that mean drop-off captain?

You must be talking about Karen.
Don't mess with her.

I saw her get run over one day,

and she just popped
right back up.

Wait. What was that?

Did I just see some sparks?

No, there are words
on her shirt.

I was just reading her breasts.

You can't get mad at me
for reading.

No! Friendship sparks.

Maybe they have
friend potential.

-Oh. Them?
-Yeah.

They seem okay, but...
they're not Room Seven.

Look, Room Seven is not
an option for us.

Our kids' classrooms
aren't even numbers.

They're scholars.

You want to be yelling
"Room Noam Chomsky for life"?

We haven't made friends
in 15 years.

Think of it as a warm-up.

Rocky didn't start
with Apollo Creed.

First,
he beat up a side of beef.

I only saw the one
with the Russian.

Rocky had a robot in that one.

Okay, let's go see
if these two are DTF--

-down to friend.
-(sighs)

Wait, wait.
Hold-hold on. Hold on.

Excuse me.
I couldn't help but overhear

because I have what doctors call
"canine hearing."

Were you talking about us?

Oh, yes.

Sorry. We just wanted to say hi.

I'm Kay Bennett. This is Mike.

And I'm Mike.

This is my husband Sigmund.

And I'm Annabeth.
My friends call me "Beth."

Oh, well,
maybe we'll call you "Beth."

Maybe.

Bennett? Oh, you must be
Brian and Nicole's parents.

Uh, they're on a team
with our son Atticus.

Uh, we're actually
surprised to see you.

-The kids told us that...
-Oh, that we don't like
these things?

No, that you were dead.

Oh, well, it was...
it was so nice meeting you.

-Hey, hey.
-Yes, it was so,
so nice meeting you.

It-it'd be a shame
to end it now.

Yeah. I mean, this thing goes on
for, like, six hours.

What do you say
we hit up a bar?

I can't leave.
I'm the team's coach.

Oh, well, watch out,
Bill Belichick, am I right?

(Mike and Kay laugh)

Watch out for what?

You know, you're...
you're a coach.

You're gonna, like,
take his job.

Take his job doing what?

Coaching football.

Why would I take his job
coaching football?

I don't know.

All right.

Like, maybe we'll see you at the
next cloning fair or whatever.

Well, actually,
we have to drop Atticus off

at your house tonight.

-Yeah.
-The kids have
to work on their A.I.

We were gonna stay in the car
in case Atticus needs anything.

Or you could just come in.

That would be more normal.

(laughing):
Yes, I...

I suppose it would.

Um, sure. Why-why not?

(whispering): That means
we have to make dinner.

Oh, we can bring something.
We don't mind.

(laughs)
Sorry. Canine hearing.

Takes a while to get used to.

You never will.

Looks like the kids
are pulling an all-nighter.

Just takes me back to my days
as a young rapscallion at MIT,

staying up late,
doing lines of code.

Hey, me, too!

Nope,
you said something different.

Well, I'm glad something's
working their brains.

That school can't even get
an adequate English teacher.

Three languages and two PhDs?

-Why not just get a dog
wearing a monocle?
-(laughs)

That might actually get me

to show up
to parent-teacher conferences.

(both laughing)

I'm just kidding.
No, it wouldn't.

Don't get me started
on the cafeteria staff.

-Okay, we won't.
-I mean, they're touching

the food... with gloves.

It's like they don't even care

that Atticus has
a latex allergy.

Oh, latex allergy.
(laughs)

I've used that excuse.

(Kay laughs)

It's funny because three
of our kids were accidents.

Oh, geez, getting late.

But it's 7:00.

It's 8:00 somewhere.

But the party's
just getting started.

I mean, we haven't even
brought out the hummus yet.

And you can't spell hummus
without... "um, us."

(Kay laughs)

Would you excuse us
for one minute?

What is happening out there?

They're trying to leave?

Nobody leaves Kay Mollen.

Or she calls her Uncle Bruno,

and he takes you down
to the Vine Yard,

and you become grape food.

Look, we tried,
but it's not worth it.

They're clearly not
our type of people.

But we used to be able
to make friends with anyone.

I once hit a guy with my car,

and he friended me on Facebook
from the hospital.

Look, I think
we're blowing this

whole friend thing
out of proportion.

We still have
two amazing friends.

Look, Irwin has been texting me
all night. Look.

"You down to hang tonight?

Got some beers
with your name on them."

See? We're totally fine.

-(phone chimes)
-Oh. Ah.

"Sorry. Wrong Mike.

I hope I didn't wake you."

What? I'm Wrong Mike?

Okay, changed my mind.
We need these people.

I'm gonna friend them so hard,
when I'm done,

I'm gonna flip them over
and friend them again.

That sounds wrong, Mike.

I am not Wrong Mike!

I should be the only Mike.
What's next?

I text Irwin,
and he writes back,

"Sorry. New phone. Who dis?"

Well, I'll show him who dis is!

You two-- basement.
Robot coach, grab the cheese.

This looks like a wonderful
place to ride out a storm.

Is this the last room
we'll ever see?

(sighs)
Sorry if we're being weird.

We're just out of practice
making friends.

I think we're just
trying too hard.

Yeah, but, you know, that is
what's great about the basement.

There is no trying.

There's no kids,
no responsibilities.

We can do
whatever we want down here.

So...
what do you all want to do?

Wow.

It's been a long time since
somebody asked us about that.

We just spend most of our time
focusing on what Atticus wants.

I-I don't even need
these glasses.

Atticus prefers my face
with them on.

Hey, I know a good place
to start.

-Let's play a game.
-Oh!

The only rule is...

-Stay alive?
-What?

N-No. No, it's a drinking game.

The only rule is,

if you say your kid's name,
you take a shot.

Oh, shots.

You know,
it took three IVF shots

to conceive Atticus.

Oh. (chuckles)

I'm not sure you're
understanding the rules.

No, I am.
That's why I said it.

-Okay, Beth!
-Beth came to play.

-(laughing)
-Barkeep?

Atticus, Atticus, Atticus.

*

(rock music playing in distance)

What's all that noise?

Aw, you hear it, too?

I was hoping
I'd finally gone mad.

It's going really well
down there.

I feel like these might not
just be practice friends.

-They might be the real deal.
-I know.

Hey, how's this sound?
"Hey, Sigmund.

"I'm really having fun
with you right now.

"Here's a picture of us
having that fun.

Oh, sorry, Irwin--
wrong Sigmund."

Hey!

We're trying to work upstairs.

Could you two keep it down?

What are you two,
the party police?

I wish I was the party police,

but the city council
said my proposal

was not "economically feasible"
and "too lame."

It's 8:15, and it's
not even that loud.

Yeah, the lady with dog ears
can handle it.

BETH:
Did someone need me?

What? Uh....

Uh, n-no, Beth, we're good!

BETH:
Okay, you don't have to yell!

Wait.

Beth as in Beth Kratz?

Are you hanging out
with Atticus's parents?

Sure are.
They're actually not that bad

once you get
a few drinks in them.

They're drinking?

Oh, okay, be honest.

You're not in trouble.

How many sodas have they had?

They mean alcohol.

Oh, my God!

You have to stop this.

We respect the Kratzes.

They're the type of people
that can open doors for us.

Research grants,
recommendations,

launch codes.

And now you're corrupting them
with your beer drinks.

What's next? A key party where
you all put your keys in a bowl

and whichever set you pick,

that's the car you drive home
for the night?

You two are sick!

Okay, you guys
are being dramatic.

We are not going
to embarrass you.

Totally unrelated--
do either of you know

how to get pudding
inside a water balloon?

Ah!

I'll figure it out.

Forget you heard that,
or the prank won't work.

They're so unreasonable!

How do they not get
how bad this is?

I know.

They're like
an invasive species

ravaging our delicate ecosystem.

So, what are we going
to do about this?

Well, how do you get rid
of an invasive species?

Genocide.

What?! N-No!

No, you make their habitat
uninhabitable.

Right, but if that
doesn't work...

No! No genocide, Nicole.

Right, got it. Wink.

No!

They actually expected us
to shut this down

just as we were
starting to hit it off.

-I can't believe those two.
-BETH: Oh, that's nothing.

We can't keep bread
in the house,

because Atticus finds
the texture unsettling.

I started smoking to mask

the smell of toast
on my clothes.

It feels good to open up.

I mean, pre-Atticus, I was wild.

I used to Rollerblade
with my friend Phil.

He was fast, but not so fast
he could catch me.

(chuckling):
Oh, I got to tell you, Sigmund,

you didn't strike me as a guy
who could... balance.

(clears throat)

Sorry, do...
does anyone else smell that?

-Oh!
-Oh, that is bad!

Not to brag,
but I smelled it first.

I've also been diagnosed
with early-onset cat snout.

(groans)
Did something die in here?

Oh! No, no, no, something
is very much alive!

That-that is the scent
of the Rafflesia arnoldii,

the flower the kids are using
for the competition.

This is the work of a bad boy
of science.

BOTH:
Brian.

It seems to have been
concentrated and weaponized.

BOTH:
Nicole.

Look, I'm sorry about this.

The kids win this time.

-Maybe we should just...
-BETH: No!

You said we can do whatever
we want in the basement,

and we want to keep
this party going.

Oh. Okay, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, sure, we'll just,
we'll power through.

The smell's not that ba...

Nope, the smell is a taste now.

Okay, where else can we go

with free booze and no kids?

Welcome to the basement
of the world.

(tires squeal)

(engine revving)

(tires squeal)

Oof!

Last night is a little fuzzy.

We didn't drive, did we?

No, we Rollerbladed.

Then why do I remember us
being on the highway?

Because... we were invincible.

Sorry that your hootenanny
got spoiled last night.

Actually, your little
flower plan didn't work.

Just gave us an experience
we could bond over.

If anything,
it brought us closer.

Now we have a lasting memory

and an obstacle
we've overcome together.

Yeah, we're just one weird night
in a hot tub away

from a lifelong friendship.

Oh! Atticus, sorry. Geez.

I forgot you slept over.

Please, help yourself
to whatever you want.

I'm powerless to stop you.

Hey, guys.

Little problem.

Hey, we got rid
of all the bread, man. I...

No. My parents are
supposed to be picking us up

for the tournament,
but I haven't heard from them.

(phone rings)

Hey, Rita.

Hey, I just want
to give you a heads-up.

There's some drunk librarians
here who say they know you.

What? Sigmund and Beth
are still at the casino?

They're at the casino?

But Sigmund has the thumb drive
with our subroutine and...

Well, does it seem like
they're leaving soon?

Uh, all I know is
Red here keeps bragging

that she gave the
men's room attendant a show.

We don't have
a men's room attendant, Kay.

Hey!

Hey, it's Mike and Kay!

For the last time,

that is not Mike and Kay.

-Oh, wait, it is them.
-Guys?

You got to go.
What are you still doing here?

We're doing what we want,
just like you said!

Yeah, last night,
we did open-mouth kissing

with two different couples.

Turned out it was
a room full of mirrors,

but it was hot.

You brought something out of us.

Now the genie's
out of the bottle.

There's no putting him back!

Look, the competition
starts in one hour,

so let's snap back
into parent mode

and go coach those kids.

What are you talking about?

Tournament's not until tomorrow.

It is tomorrow.

Okay, calendar.

Just how drunk are you guys?

The only thing we're drunk on

is the new life philosophy
you gave us.

Ah-ah, we are also drunk
on drinking.

Okay, forget coaching.

He can barely stand.

Hey, if I can barely stand,

how do you explain this?

What you're seeing here,
this has been my whole night.

You know what, just forget it,
we'll take the kids.

Just give us that thumb drive
they were talking about.

If you want it...

you're gonna have
to catch me first.

(shrieks)

BETH:
I love that man.

I'm gonna put a baby
in him later.

Thanks for losing
the tournament for us.

All you had to do was get
that thumb drive from Sigmund.

It's not my fault
he gave me the wrong thing.

No, Dad, it's just your fault

that he got wasted
in the basement,

stayed at a casino all night,
concussed himself,

then you took
what was obviously a lighter

instead of the USB we needed.

Guys, we really do
feel terrible.

We didn't mean to cost you
the competition.

It-it's not just
the competition, Mom.

You know, Atticus won't even
talk to us anymore.

And word's spreading.

Everyone's dropping out
of our other teams--

debate, speed meditating...

fantasy physics.

We are so sorry.

Is there anything we can do?

You want this lighter?

No, you're gonna need it

next time you want to set fire
to our hopes and dreams.

They're gonna go back to telling
people we're dead, aren't they?

It's hard to blame them.

I mean, we were so desperate

for a social life that
we took it from our kids.

You know, it's too bad.

I was starting
to like Sigmund and Beth.

Well, I guess we can
still hang out with them

if we don't do
any drinking or gambling.

I'm gonna miss them.

You're breaking up with us?

Things were going so well.

I thought tonight
we were going to

the "For Grape About It
Vineyard."

Did you "for grape about" that?

Don't make this harder
than it already is.

I know what'll make this better.

Let's go to the basement!

Everything's better
in the basement!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, uh, listen.

You deserve people
that will give you

the whole house,
not just the basement.

We were gonna take
ski trips together,

split groceries,
take turns making meals.

I make a mean apple cobbler.

I'm more of a pie guy.

We understand.

(sighs)

I'll never forget you.

I can't.

I have what doctors call
"elephant memory."

And I'll be taking
my Rollerblades.

I was fast, though,
wasn't I, Mike?

Like the wind.

(door closes)

Man.

They really took it hard.

I know.

I mean, you can't blame them.

We were pretty fun.

Yeah, we were charming,

funny, down to clown.

I mean, aside from that

down-to-clown thing
I just said, we're a catch.

I mean, what were we
so worried about?

-We're gonna be fine.
-Yeah.

I mean, if we can make friends
with that Noah's Ark of a woman,

we can make friends with anyone.

And now that we know that...

We graciously accept
your pity invite.

We brought our own chairs
and our own wine.

It's boxed and not enough,
so I hope you have more.

(laughs)
All right, come on in.

-Hey, Kay.
-Oh, hey.

Hey, Mike.

(grunts) Hey.

You two go ahead.

Um, we gonna be here
for a minute.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Jason Biggs and Maggie Lawson
are Outmatched.

See all-new episodes
Thursdays on Fox.