Original subtitles

- Hey, Irwin. - Yo.

I bet you dinner I make this shot.

I'll have the... lobster!

Please pick somewhere cheap.

No, don't let him choose!

I pick the cafeteria at Hogwarts!

That doesn't exist, Irwin.

Yeah, well, that's not my problem.

You lost the bet. Figure it out.

Hey, instead of us paying for dinner,

what about a wine tasting on the 17th...

that we have free tickets to?

It's at Atlantic City's only vineyard.

The Mob used to own the land.

They say that's why the ground is so fertile.

You know what? We can't on the 17th.

We're having people over.

Oh. That's weird.

What? Did the Evite go to our spam?

Well, I'm-I'm sorry for the confusion, Kay.

You were never invited.

No, it's just some people

that we're friends with at the kids' school.

Yeah, it's nothing personal. It's our Room Seven crew.

Oh.

- Room Seven for life! - For life! Yeah, yeah!

- Sorry, inside joke. - Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

'Cause it hurts me on the inside.

Well, um, but, I mean,

I guess it's okay if you guys want to come.

Yeah, if you just bring your own chairs.

No, no, it's fine.

We were the ones with plans first,

so we'll just do those plans with our other friends.

Yeah.

That's exactly what we'll do.

Do we have other friends?

Aw, Mike.

What?

Oh. I'm sorry.

I-I was thinking about Room Seven Mike.

That dude's hilarious.

That boy's crazy.

- He's much taller than you. - He is.

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I have a question, Marc.

I have an exclamation point.

I thought I'd try my hand at humor.

I am done now.

Hey, babe.

So, what are we bringing to Rita and Irwin's for the party?

No, we are not going to that.

That was a pity invite.

Kay Mollen does not accept pity invites.

Except you're not Kay Mollen. You're Kay Bennett.

And Bennetts live on pity invites.

That's how we got on the Mayflower.

If we accept a pity invite,

they will lose respect for us,

and soon, all of our invites will be pity invites.

Just look at what we're up against.

This is Rita and Irwin's Room Seven crew.

Oh, my God.

If civilization ends,

I want Room Seven to repopulate the planet.

Rita and Irwin have this whole other social life,

and all we have is them.

I mean, we should at least have more friends

than we have kinds of mustard.

How did this happen?

I used to have friends all over the place.

Every girl I asked out in high school said

she liked me better as a friend.

We lost them all because it's hard to keep friends

when your family is a walking hurricane

that also corrects your grammar.

Well, maybe it's time to restock the old friend fridge.

Yeah. Yeah, this shouldn't be hard.

I mean, we're a catch.

Yeah, if we just put in the effort,

we'll find some people to drink Mafia wine with us at the...

"Fuh-Grape-Aboudit Vine Yard and Sanitation"?

I'll go to the Vine Yard and drink with you, Mommy.

Oh, sweetie, not until you're old enough...

to look like my old I.D.

Wow.

I've never been the most athletic person in the gym before.

- What is this, a robot prom? - It's an A.I. tournament,

featuring the greatest computer minds east of Egg Harbor.

This year, we've trained an A.I. to recognize the smell

of the Rafflesia arnoldii,

a notoriously foul-smelling flower.

That's right. I stole it from a lab.

Who's the bad boy of science now?

Who was it before?

They've trained a robot to smell a gross flower?

How about one that drives them to school in the morning

so I can avoid that mean drop-off captain?

You must be talking about Karen. Don't mess with her.

I saw her get run over one day,

and she just popped right back up.

Wait. What was that?

Did I just see some sparks?

No, there are words on her shirt.

I was just reading her breasts.

You can't get mad at me for reading.

No! Friendship sparks.

Maybe they have friend potential.

- Oh. Them? - Yeah.

They seem okay, but... they're not Room Seven.

Look, Room Seven is not an option for us.

Our kids' classrooms aren't even numbers.

They're scholars.

You want to be yelling "Room Noam Chomsky for life"?

We haven't made friends in 15 years.

Think of it as a warm-up.

Rocky didn't start with Apollo Creed.

First, he beat up a side of beef.

I only saw the one with the Russian.

Rocky had a robot in that one.

Okay, let's go see if these two are DTF...

Down to friend.

Wait, wait. Hold-hold on. Hold on.

Excuse me. I couldn't help but overhear

because I have what doctors call "canine hearing."

Were you talking about us?

Oh, yes.

Sorry. We just wanted to say hi.

I'm Kay Bennett. This is Mike.

And I'm Mike.

This is my husband Sigmund.

And I'm Annabeth. My friends call me "Beth."

Oh, well, maybe we'll call you "Beth."

Maybe.

Bennett? Oh, you must be Brian and Nicole's parents.

They're on a team with our son Atticus.

Uh, we're actually surprised to see you.

- The kids told us that... - Oh, that we don't like these things?

No, that you were dead.

Oh, well, it was... it was so nice meeting you.

- Hey, hey. - Yes, it was so, so nice meeting you.

It-it'd be a shame to end it now.

Yeah. I mean, this thing goes on for, like, six hours.

What do you say we hit up a bar?

I can't leave. I'm the team's coach.

Oh, well, watch out, Bill Belichick, am I right?

Watch out for what?

You know, you're... you're a coach.

You're gonna, like, take his job.

Take his job doing what?

Coaching football.

Why would I take his job coaching football?

I don't know.

All right.

Like, maybe we'll see you at the next cloning fair or whatever.

Well, actually, we have to drop Atticus off

at your house tonight.

- Yeah. - The kids have to work on their A.I.

We were gonna stay in the car in case Atticus needs anything.

Or you could just come in.

That would be more normal.

Yes, I...

I suppose it would. Um, sure. Why-why not?

That means we have to make dinner.

Oh, we can bring something. We don't mind.

Sorry. Canine hearing.

Takes a while to get used to.

You never will.

Looks like the kids are pulling an all-nighter.

Just takes me back to my days as a young rapscallion at MIT,

staying up late, doing lines of code.

Hey, me, too!

Nope, you said something different.

Well, I'm glad something's working their brains.

That school can't even get an adequate English teacher.

Three languages and two PhDs?

Why not just get a dog wearing a monocle?

That might actually get me

to show up to parent-teacher conferences.

I'm just kidding. No, it wouldn't.

Don't get me started on the cafeteria staff.

- Okay, we won't. - I mean, they're touching

the food... with gloves.

It's like they don't even care

that Atticus has a latex allergy.

Oh, latex allergy.

I've used that excuse.

It's funny because three of our kids were accidents.

Oh, geez, getting late.

But it's 7:00.

It's 8:00 somewhere.

But the party's just getting started.

I mean, we haven't even brought out the hummus yet.

And you can't spell hummus without... "um, us."

Would you excuse us for one minute?

What is happening out there?

They're trying to leave?

Nobody leaves Kay Mollen.

Or she calls her Uncle Bruno,

and he takes you down to the Vine Yard,

and you become grape food.

Look, we tried, but it's not worth it.

They're clearly not our type of people.

But we used to be able to make friends with anyone.

I once hit a guy with my car,

and he friended me on Facebook from the hospital.

Look, I think we're blowing this

whole friend thing out of proportion.

We still have two amazing friends.

Look, Irwin has been texting me all night. Look.

"You down to hang tonight?

Got some beers with your name on them."

See? We're totally fine.

Oh. Ah.

"Sorry. Wrong Mike.

I hope I didn't wake you."

What? I'm Wrong Mike?

Okay, changed my mind. We need these people.

I'm gonna friend them so hard, when I'm done,

I'm gonna flip them over and friend them again.

That sounds wrong, Mike.

I am not Wrong Mike!

I should be the only Mike. What's next?

I text Irwin, and he writes back,

"Sorry. New phone. Who dis?"

Well, I'll show him who dis is!

You two... basement. Robot coach, grab the cheese.

This looks like a wonderful place to ride out a storm.

Is this the last room we'll ever see?

Sorry if we're being weird.

We're just out of practice making friends.

I think we're just trying too hard.

Yeah, but, you know,

that is what's great about the basement.

There is no trying.

There's no kids, no responsibilities.

We can do whatever we want down here.

So... what do you all want to do?

Wow.

It's been a long time since somebody asked us about that.

We just spend most of our time focusing on what Atticus wants.

I-I don't even need these glasses.

Atticus prefers my face with them on.

Hey, I know a good place to start.

- Let's play a game. - Oh!

The only rule is...

- Stay alive? - What?

N-No. No, it's a drinking game.

The only rule is,

if you say your kid's name, you take a shot.

Oh, shots.

You know, it took three IVF shots

to conceive Atticus.

Oh.

I'm not sure you're understanding the rules.

No, I am. That's why I said it.

- Okay, Beth! - Beth came to play.

Barkeep?

Atticus, Atticus, Atticus.

What's all that noise?

Aw, you hear it, too?

I was hoping I'd finally gone mad.

It's going really well down there.

I feel like these might not just be practice friends.

- They might be the real deal. - I know.

Hey, how's this sound? "Hey, Sigmund.

"I'm really having fun with you right now.

"Here's a picture of us having that fun.

Oh, sorry, Irwin... Wrong Sigmund."

Hey! We're trying to work upstairs.

Could you two keep it down?

What are you two, the party police?

I wish I was the party police,

but the city council said my proposal

was not "economically feasible" and "too lame."

It's 8:15, and it's not even that loud.

Yeah, the lady with dog ears can handle it.

Did someone need me?

What? Uh...

Uh, n-no, Beth, we're good!

Okay, you don't have to yell!

Wait.

Beth as in Beth Kratz?

Are you hanging out with Atticus's parents?

Sure are. They're actually not that bad

once you get a few drinks in them.

They're drinking?

Oh, okay, be honest.

You're not in trouble.

How many sodas have they had?

- They mean alcohol. - Oh, my God!

You have to stop this.

We respect the Kratzes.

They're the type of people that can open doors for us.

Research grants, recommendations, launch codes.

And now you're corrupting them with your beer drinks.

What's next? A key party where you all put your keys in a bowl

and whichever set you pick,

that's the car you drive home for the night?

You two are sick!

Okay, you guys are being dramatic.

We are not going to embarrass you.

Totally unrelated... Do either of you know

how to get pudding inside a water balloon?

I'll figure it out.

Forget you heard that, or the prank won't work.

They're so unreasonable!

How do they not get how bad this is?

I know. They're like an invasive species

ravaging our delicate ecosystem.

So, what are we going to do about this?

Well, how do you get rid of an invasive species?

Genocide.

What?! N-No!

No, you make their habitat uninhabitable.

Right, but if that doesn't work...

No! No genocide, Nicole.

Right, got it. Wink.

No!

They actually expected us to shut this down

just as we were starting to hit it off.

- I can't believe those two. - Oh, that's nothing.

We can't keep bread in the house,

because Atticus finds the texture unsettling.

I started smoking to mask

the smell of toast on my clothes.

It feels good to open up.

I mean, pre-Atticus, I was wild.

I used to Rollerblade with my friend Phil.

He was fast, but... not so fast he could catch me.

Oh, I got to tell you, Sigmund,

you didn't strike me as a guy who could... balance.

Sorry, do... does anyone else smell that?

- Oh! - Oh, that is bad!

Not to brag, but I smelled it first.

I've also been diagnosed with early-onset cat snout.

Did something die in here?

Oh! No, no, no, something is very much alive!

That-that is the scent of the Rafflesia arnoldii,

the flower the kids are using for the competition.

This is the work of a bad boy of science.

Brian.

It seems to have been concentrated and weaponized.

Nicole.

Look, I'm sorry about this.

The kids win this time.

- Maybe we should just... - No!

You said we can do whatever we want in the basement,

and we want to keep this party going.

Oh. Okay, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, sure, we'll just, we'll power through.

The smell's not that ba...

Nope, the smell is a taste now.

Okay, where else can we go

with free booze and no kids?

Welcome to the basement of the world.

Oof!

Last night is a little fuzzy.

We didn't drive, did we?

No, we Rollerbladed.

Then why do I remember us being on the highway?

Because... we were invincible.

Sorry that your hootenanny got spoiled last night.

Actually, your little flower plan didn't work.

Just gave us an experience we could bond over.

If anything, it brought us closer.

Now we have a lasting memory

and an obstacle we've overcome together.

Yeah, we're just one weird night in a hot tub away

from a lifelong friendship.

Oh! Atticus, sorry. Geez.

I forgot you slept over.

Please, help yourself to whatever you want.

I'm powerless to stop you.

Hey, guys.

Little problem.

Hey, we got rid of all the bread, man. I...

No. My parents are supposed to be picking us up

for the tournament, but I haven't heard from them.

Hey, Rita.

Hey, I just want to give you a heads-up.

There's some drunk librarians here who say they know you.

What? Sigmund and Beth are still at the casino?

They're at the casino?

But Sigmund has the thumb drive with our subroutine and...

Well, does it seem like they're leaving soon?

Uh, all I know is Red here keeps bragging

that she gave the men's room attendant a show.

We don't have a men's room attendant, Kay.

Hey! Hey, it's Mike and Kay!

For the last time,

that is not Mike and Kay.

- Oh, wait, it is them. - Guys?

You got to go. What are you still doing here?

We're doing what we want, just like you said!

Yeah, last night, we did open-mouth kissing

with two different couples.

Turned out it was a room full of mirrors,

but it was hot.

You brought something out of us.

Now the genie's out of the bottle.

There's no putting him back!

Look, the competition starts in one hour,

so let's snap back into parent mode

- and go coach those kids. - What are you talking about?

Tournament's not until tomorrow.

It is tomorrow.

Okay, calendar.

Just how drunk are you guys?

The only thing we're drunk on

is the new life philosophy you gave us.

Ah-ah, we are also drunk on drinking.

Okay, forget coaching. He can barely stand.

Hey, if I can barely stand,

how do you explain this?

What you're seeing here, this has been my whole night.

You know what, just forget it, we'll take the kids.

Just give us that thumb drive they were talking about.

If you want it...

you're gonna have to catch me first.

I love that man.

I'm gonna put a baby in him later.

Thanks for losing the tournament for us.

All you had to do was get that thumb drive from Sigmund.

It's not my fault he gave me the wrong thing.

No, Dad, it's just your fault

that he got wasted in the basement,

stayed at a casino all night, concussed himself,

then you took what was obviously a lighter

instead of the USB we needed.

Guys, we really do feel terrible.

We didn't mean to cost you the competition.

It-it's not just the competition, Mom.

You know, Atticus won't even talk to us anymore.

And word's spreading.

Everyone's dropping out of our other teams...

Debate, speed meditating...

fantasy physics.

We are so sorry.

Is there anything we can do?

You want this lighter?

No, you're gonna need it

next time you want to set fire to our hopes and dreams.

They're gonna go back to telling people we're dead, aren't they?

It's hard to blame them.

I mean, we were so desperate

for a social life that we took it from our kids.

You know, it's too bad.

I was starting to like Sigmund and Beth.

Well, I guess we can still hang out with them

if we don't do any drinking or gambling.

I'm gonna miss them.

You're breaking up with us?

Things were going so well.

I thought tonight we were going to

the "For Grape About It Vineyard."

Did you "for grape about" that?

Don't make this harder than it already is.

I know what'll make this better.

Let's go to the basement! Everything's better in the basement!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, uh, listen.

You deserve people that will give you

the whole house, not just the basement.

We were gonna take ski trips together,

split groceries, take turns making meals.

I make a mean apple cobbler.

I'm more of a pie guy.

We understand.

I'll never forget you. I can't.

I have what doctors call "elephant memory."

And I'll be taking my Rollerblades.

I was fast, though, wasn't I, Mike?

Like the wind.

Man.

- They really took it hard. - I know.

I mean, you can't blame them.

We were pretty fun.

Yeah, we were charming,

funny, down to clown.

I mean, aside from that

down-to-clown thing I just said, we're a catch.

I mean, what were we so worried about?

- We're gonna be fine. - Yeah.

I mean, if we can make friends with that Noah's Ark of a woman,

we can make friends with anyone.

And now that we know that...

We graciously accept your pity invite.

We brought our own chairs and our own wine.

It's boxed and not enough, so I hope you have more.

All right, come on in.

- Hey, Kay. - Oh, hey.

Hey, Mike.

Hey.

You two go ahead.

Um, we gonna be here for a minute.

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