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1
00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:11,986
-Mr. President, sir!
-Mr. President! Mr. President!
2
00:00:12,069 --> 00:00:13,486
-Mr. President!
-Over here, Mr. President!
3
00:00:13,569 --> 00:00:16,778
Wow, is this coronavirus great
or what?
4
00:00:16,861 --> 00:00:19,945
You get to work from home
in your pajamas, watching TV,
5
00:00:20,027 --> 00:00:21,778
sweating down
to your couch springs,
6
00:00:21,861 --> 00:00:24,653
coughing like you got three
tennis balls in your lungs.
7
00:00:24,736 --> 00:00:27,486
What an exciting time
to be barely alive.
8
00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:29,236
Okay, Pence, you're up.
9
00:00:29,319 --> 00:00:32,194
In troubling times, I find
comfort in the Good Book.
10
00:00:32,277 --> 00:00:33,486
Bored. Okay.
11
00:00:33,569 --> 00:00:35,403
I assume there aren't
any questions.
12
00:00:35,486 --> 00:00:37,277
[female reporter] What can the
American people do to stay safe?
13
00:00:37,361 --> 00:00:39,736
First, stop voting for Joe Biden
in the primaries.
14
00:00:39,820 --> 00:00:41,444
Those ballots are Petri dishes.
15
00:00:41,528 --> 00:00:44,069
And second, wash your hands
thoroughly like I do,
16
00:00:44,152 --> 00:00:45,861
by scrubbing them
in freezing-cold water
17
00:00:45,945 --> 00:00:47,611
long enough to recite
your screaming match
18
00:00:47,695 --> 00:00:49,986
with Tony Little
at the Palm in '92.
19
00:00:50,069 --> 00:00:51,528
[male reporter] Have you been
tested for the virus?
20
00:00:51,611 --> 00:00:53,194
No need.
Sure, I've shaken hands
21
00:00:53,277 --> 00:00:55,319
with several dozen people
who are now quarantined,
22
00:00:55,403 --> 00:00:57,695
but the surgeon general
gave me a pregnancy test
23
00:00:57,778 --> 00:00:59,111
and said I'm in the clear.
24
00:00:59,194 --> 00:01:01,152
Side note --
Until the threat has passed,
25
00:01:01,236 --> 00:01:03,778
the CDC is advising people
to avoid shaking hands
26
00:01:03,861 --> 00:01:05,069
or checking their 401(k)s.
27
00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:06,736
Are you at all worried
that the outbreak
28
00:01:06,820 --> 00:01:08,319
will further
destabilize the markets?
29
00:01:08,403 --> 00:01:11,528
Hello, the markets are supposed
to jump up and down.
30
00:01:11,611 --> 00:01:13,403
That just means they're excited!
31
00:01:13,486 --> 00:01:16,945
And now my treasury secretary
will put your mind at ease.
32
00:01:17,027 --> 00:01:18,945
Don't worry.
We're doing a tax cut
33
00:01:19,027 --> 00:01:21,236
to help all the average
Americans out there,
34
00:01:21,319 --> 00:01:23,653
from the guy who operates
my private elevator
35
00:01:23,736 --> 00:01:26,528
to the gal who pumps pig fat
into my wife's forehead.
36
00:01:26,611 --> 00:01:28,695
Whoo!
Now we're having fun!
37
00:01:28,778 --> 00:01:31,152
Oh, by the way, I know a lot
of festivals are shutting down,
38
00:01:31,236 --> 00:01:33,152
so I'm proud to announce
that I'll be hosting
39
00:01:33,236 --> 00:01:35,820
my own Coachella
on the South Lawn!
40
00:01:35,903 --> 00:01:37,736
Mark McGrath is a hard maybe.
41
00:01:37,820 --> 00:01:39,528
When can we expect
a vaccine?
42
00:01:39,611 --> 00:01:41,945
As soon as we figure out a way
to funnel all the money
43
00:01:42,027 --> 00:01:44,027
we funneled out of the CDC
back into it.
44
00:01:44,111 --> 00:01:45,486
Alright, I think
we're good here.
45
00:01:45,569 --> 00:01:49,361
Ted Cronaviruz!
46
00:01:49,444 --> 00:01:52,611
A sewage pipe burst at my place,
so I'm quarantining here!
47
00:01:52,695 --> 00:01:55,111
Hey, look!
Coronavirus gets you so sweaty,
48
00:01:55,194 --> 00:01:57,486
you can shake yourself dry
like a big, fluffy dog!
49
00:01:57,569 --> 00:01:59,236
[blathering]
50
00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:00,736
Okay, apocalypse time.
51
00:02:00,820 --> 00:02:01,945
Every man for himself.
52
00:02:02,027 --> 00:02:03,444
[spits, laughs]
[all screaming]
53
00:02:03,528 --> 00:02:05,069
♪ regal instrumental
music plays ♪
54
00:02:05,152 --> 00:02:08,236
Oh, thanks for nothing,
assholes!
55
00:02:08,319 --> 00:02:11,236
♪♪♪
56
00:02:11,319 --> 00:02:14,111
♪♪♪
57
00:02:14,194 --> 00:02:17,069
[Donald Trump]
Beautiful Camp David, USA.
58
00:02:17,152 --> 00:02:19,986
Tons of amenities --
a world-class golf course,
59
00:02:20,069 --> 00:02:21,903
two pools clogged
with my body hair,
60
00:02:21,986 --> 00:02:23,986
and a trampoline with a big hole
ripped through it
61
00:02:24,069 --> 00:02:25,403
that was like that
when I got here.
62
00:02:25,486 --> 00:02:27,736
Perfect place for a G-7 summit.
63
00:02:27,820 --> 00:02:30,695
Pompeo here will fetch you
anything you need.
64
00:02:30,778 --> 00:02:32,528
I am thrilled to be a part
of this historic,
65
00:02:32,611 --> 00:02:34,778
fun-tastic weekend
in the great outdoors.
66
00:02:34,861 --> 00:02:36,569
I'd say the only thing
that could make this
67
00:02:36,653 --> 00:02:38,528
even more historic
is if we let --
68
00:02:38,611 --> 00:02:39,903
No.
Let me finish.
69
00:02:39,986 --> 00:02:41,653
If we let Russia --
No.
70
00:02:41,736 --> 00:02:42,820
Let me finish, damn it.
71
00:02:42,903 --> 00:02:45,778
If we let Russia
re-join the G-7!
72
00:02:45,861 --> 00:02:47,027
-No.
-No.
73
00:02:47,111 --> 00:02:48,611
We voted Russia
out of the summit
74
00:02:48,695 --> 00:02:51,236
back in 2014 with the support
of President Obama.
75
00:02:51,319 --> 00:02:53,111
But nothing Obama did
really counts,
76
00:02:53,194 --> 00:02:54,653
except for when
he wrecked the economy
77
00:02:54,736 --> 00:02:56,569
and mugged that lady
in Central Park.
78
00:02:56,653 --> 00:02:58,611
♪ classical music plays ♪
79
00:02:58,695 --> 00:03:01,277
Ugh. I'm so bored,
I'd rather wait in the car
80
00:03:01,361 --> 00:03:02,986
while Melania gives birth again.
81
00:03:03,069 --> 00:03:05,111
They'll never understand
guys like us --
82
00:03:05,194 --> 00:03:08,528
cool, buff, mercilessly powerful
underdog outcasts.
83
00:03:08,611 --> 00:03:10,778
Come hang here!
It's me, Assad,
84
00:03:10,861 --> 00:03:13,194
Bolsonaro, MBS,
and Erdogan.
85
00:03:13,277 --> 00:03:15,194
We're gonna carve up a globe
like a watermelon.
86
00:03:15,277 --> 00:03:17,861
I can't. These G-7 squares
will yell at me.
87
00:03:17,945 --> 00:03:19,778
Alright, suit yourself.
88
00:03:19,861 --> 00:03:22,486
Hey, use the bathroom upstairs.
The one down here is tricky.
89
00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:23,736
[beep]
Putin?
90
00:03:23,820 --> 00:03:25,820
Okay, gotta go.
91
00:03:25,903 --> 00:03:28,194
You're right. I would beat
Dog the Bounty Hunter
92
00:03:28,277 --> 00:03:30,528
in a bare-knuckle
boxing match. Bye.
93
00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:32,861
♪ suspenseful music plays ♪
94
00:03:32,945 --> 00:03:34,111
While Trump is off
stickin' it
95
00:03:34,194 --> 00:03:36,069
to those pro-world-peace
globalists,
96
00:03:36,152 --> 00:03:38,027
I'm planning the Republican
National Convention.
97
00:03:38,111 --> 00:03:39,986
All we need
is a kickass speech
98
00:03:40,069 --> 00:03:41,569
introducing the President
courtesy of --
99
00:03:41,653 --> 00:03:44,903
Thank you, but I really speak
for women everywhere --
100
00:03:44,986 --> 00:03:46,361
Don Jr.
Haha.
101
00:03:46,444 --> 00:03:47,736
Got your ass, Ivanka.
102
00:03:47,820 --> 00:03:48,945
You sure did, champ.
103
00:03:49,027 --> 00:03:51,027
What?
He's not the champ.
104
00:03:51,111 --> 00:03:53,653
I'm the champ.
Not according to the polls.
105
00:03:53,736 --> 00:03:56,027
Whoa, a iPad.
106
00:03:56,111 --> 00:03:58,319
When we asked Republicans
who they'd most likely support
107
00:03:58,403 --> 00:03:59,611
in a future
presidential run,
108
00:03:59,695 --> 00:04:01,528
the overwhelming answer
was Don Jr.
109
00:04:01,611 --> 00:04:05,194
Him? But I'm America's
unimaginably wealthy sweetheart.
110
00:04:05,277 --> 00:04:06,653
Blue-collar voters
just don't trust
111
00:04:06,736 --> 00:04:09,611
someone who has never drunk-
driven a riding mower to work.
112
00:04:09,695 --> 00:04:12,403
♪ suspenseful music plays ♪
113
00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:15,361
I should've known this G-7 would
be a bunch of cliquey leaders
114
00:04:15,444 --> 00:04:18,027
gossiping about the economic
fate of the world.
115
00:04:18,111 --> 00:04:20,277
A destabilizing pandemic
like coronavirus
116
00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:23,069
makes the world more vulnerable
to authoritarianism.
117
00:04:23,152 --> 00:04:24,611
Hello?
I'm right here.
118
00:04:24,695 --> 00:04:27,945
It's no Eton Dining Castle
for Hungry Little Rich Boys,
119
00:04:28,027 --> 00:04:29,236
but I quite like it here.
120
00:04:29,319 --> 00:04:31,194
Back in London,
everyone always complains
121
00:04:31,277 --> 00:04:34,403
my ideas are a stepping stone
to ethnic cleansing.
122
00:04:34,486 --> 00:04:36,778
That never happens to me
where I'm from.
123
00:04:36,861 --> 00:04:38,277
I wanna go home.
124
00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:40,528
Why don't you go back
to Washington, then?
125
00:04:40,611 --> 00:04:43,903
[crying] Everyone will think
I'm a big baby, and I'm not.
126
00:04:43,986 --> 00:04:46,695
I'm not a baby, Boris.
127
00:04:46,778 --> 00:04:48,778
Cheer up, you git.
Aren't you excited
128
00:04:48,861 --> 00:04:52,069
for the big rip-roarin'
G-7 luncheon tomorrow?
129
00:04:52,152 --> 00:04:55,069
Well, I like lunch,
but luncheon?
130
00:04:55,152 --> 00:04:57,861
I don't know,
sounds kinda Jewish.
131
00:04:57,945 --> 00:04:59,736
[crowd cheering]
132
00:04:59,820 --> 00:05:03,152
[Ivanka] My father,
and our next president,
133
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:06,069
Donald J. Trump.
134
00:05:06,152 --> 00:05:07,903
Ivanka, I hate
seeing you like this.
135
00:05:07,986 --> 00:05:09,528
You look like you just overheard
one of the kids
136
00:05:09,611 --> 00:05:11,111
calling the nanny
"Mom" again.
137
00:05:11,194 --> 00:05:13,528
I just can't believe
that poll.
138
00:05:13,611 --> 00:05:15,111
I was destined
to make history
139
00:05:15,194 --> 00:05:17,861
as America's first
classically hot president.
140
00:05:17,945 --> 00:05:19,778
If you really want to compete
with Don Jr.,
141
00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:21,611
you'll need
to do some research.
142
00:05:21,695 --> 00:05:23,027
I found it wedged
into the crawlspace
143
00:05:23,111 --> 00:05:24,111
in one of
my rental properties.
144
00:05:24,194 --> 00:05:25,569
We get a lot
of destitute perverts
145
00:05:25,653 --> 00:05:26,945
living in the walls
of those things.
146
00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:29,486
Ew, Jared.
No way am I taking advice
147
00:05:29,569 --> 00:05:31,820
from a book without a picture
of me on the cover.
148
00:05:31,903 --> 00:05:33,403
To compete with Don Jr.,
149
00:05:33,486 --> 00:05:35,444
you need to start plotting
your next move now.
150
00:05:35,528 --> 00:05:38,194
First the RNC,
then the Presidency,
151
00:05:38,277 --> 00:05:39,611
and then I'll be the one
152
00:05:39,695 --> 00:05:42,778
giving the Saudis permission
to use the bone saw.
153
00:05:42,861 --> 00:05:45,152
I'm not going to stoop
to his level, Jared.
154
00:05:45,236 --> 00:05:48,236
Besides, half of Don Jr.'s fans
will probably be dead
155
00:05:48,319 --> 00:05:51,528
from ATV jousting
by 2020 anyway.
156
00:05:53,194 --> 00:05:54,569
[Donald Trump]
What the hell is this?
157
00:05:54,653 --> 00:05:56,361
I've barfed up
more appetizing meals
158
00:05:56,444 --> 00:05:58,361
onto my plastic
dinner-poncho.
159
00:05:58,444 --> 00:05:59,986
Settle down,
Mr. Trump.
160
00:06:00,069 --> 00:06:02,695
This is the German
asparagus delicacy "spargel."
161
00:06:02,778 --> 00:06:06,945
Ugh! It reeks, and not in a good
KFC-on-an-airplane way.
162
00:06:07,027 --> 00:06:08,528
Please, Mr. Trump.
163
00:06:08,611 --> 00:06:11,319
Such blatant cultural
insensitivity has no place
164
00:06:11,403 --> 00:06:13,277
anywhere except
a Halloween party.
165
00:06:13,361 --> 00:06:14,695
Get off my back, Trudeau.
166
00:06:14,778 --> 00:06:16,027
Boys, behave yourselves.
167
00:06:16,111 --> 00:06:17,319
Why are you yelling at me?
168
00:06:17,403 --> 00:06:19,277
I didn't even
do anything, Mom. I mean --
169
00:06:19,361 --> 00:06:21,778
Oh, my God.
Did you just call her Mom?
170
00:06:21,861 --> 00:06:23,069
Baby wants his mom.
[laughter]
171
00:06:23,152 --> 00:06:24,695
That's way worse
than blackface.
172
00:06:24,778 --> 00:06:26,236
[laughter]
173
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:29,319
[crowd]
We want Trump! We want Trump!
174
00:06:29,403 --> 00:06:30,444
Arrrr, hmm.
175
00:06:30,528 --> 00:06:32,403
Cowl neck cashmere cardigan
176
00:06:32,486 --> 00:06:35,528
consumed by fiery factory fire.
177
00:06:35,611 --> 00:06:38,903
Those dusty farmhands are going
to lap up my soliloquy
178
00:06:38,986 --> 00:06:41,027
like whatever flavor
San Pellegrino
179
00:06:41,111 --> 00:06:43,653
sells best at
the local honky-tonk.
180
00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:44,986
[crowd] We want Trump!
181
00:06:45,069 --> 00:06:47,778
Hello, fellow warrior queens!
182
00:06:47,861 --> 00:06:49,194
[man coughs]
183
00:06:49,277 --> 00:06:52,486
Joe Biden is a big, fat chode.
[crowd cheering]
184
00:06:52,569 --> 00:06:56,319
He should legally have to change
his name to "Chode Biden."
185
00:06:56,403 --> 00:06:59,027
But you know
what I'm sick and tired of?
186
00:06:59,111 --> 00:07:01,277
Joe Biden always trying
to change his name
187
00:07:01,361 --> 00:07:05,027
to "Chode Biden"
on the taxpayer dime.
188
00:07:05,111 --> 00:07:09,069
Joe Biden will never understand
the struggle of working moms --
189
00:07:09,152 --> 00:07:10,194
[crowd quiets]
190
00:07:10,277 --> 00:07:12,027
[man]
Let the boy one talk!
191
00:07:12,111 --> 00:07:13,194
Check out "Triggered."
192
00:07:13,277 --> 00:07:15,236
For sale wherever
the truth is sold.
193
00:07:15,319 --> 00:07:17,361
And how about my GF Kimberly,
194
00:07:17,444 --> 00:07:20,152
the most hottest woman
onstage right now?
195
00:07:20,236 --> 00:07:23,444
These high heels are made
from non-recyclable plastic.
196
00:07:23,528 --> 00:07:25,486
Hahaha! Oh, sweet!
Head shot!
197
00:07:25,569 --> 00:07:27,986
Look alive, Jared.
We have work to do.
198
00:07:28,069 --> 00:07:29,653
♪ bold instrumental
music plays ♪
199
00:07:29,736 --> 00:07:32,486
And so, the malnourished
children of Burkina Faso --
200
00:07:32,569 --> 00:07:35,403
Hey, Putin, I'm not making
friends at the G-7
201
00:07:35,486 --> 00:07:36,569
like you said I would.
202
00:07:36,653 --> 00:07:38,486
No one liked
my Shinzo Abe impression.
203
00:07:38,569 --> 00:07:40,111
[Putin] Be a brave
little puppet and --
204
00:07:40,194 --> 00:07:41,528
[crash]
Haha, guys, cut it out.
205
00:07:41,611 --> 00:07:43,236
Gaddafi gave me that sword.
206
00:07:43,319 --> 00:07:45,528
Sorry. The guys are letting
loose after a long week
207
00:07:45,611 --> 00:07:47,569
of having their will
enforced at gunpoint.
208
00:07:47,653 --> 00:07:49,319
Wish you could join,
but y'know, don't want
209
00:07:49,403 --> 00:07:50,903
Justin Trudeau to be
disappointed in you.
210
00:07:50,986 --> 00:07:52,361
Alright, bye --
211
00:07:52,444 --> 00:07:54,403
Wait, what if you guys
come party here?
212
00:07:54,486 --> 00:07:55,945
I'll even let you
borrow my military.
213
00:07:56,027 --> 00:07:57,945
You can invade Spain
for all I care.
214
00:07:58,027 --> 00:07:59,569
Hmm.
Let me ask the guys.
215
00:07:59,653 --> 00:08:01,695
Hey, Trump wants us
to come over to Camp David.
216
00:08:01,778 --> 00:08:03,403
Ah, what's the harm?
217
00:08:03,486 --> 00:08:07,027
My girlfriend Lindsay Lohan says
he's pretty funny on Twitter.
218
00:08:07,111 --> 00:08:08,820
Okay, Donald, fill up a tub.
We're in.
219
00:08:08,903 --> 00:08:10,361
Yes.
Try to get here by eight.
220
00:08:10,444 --> 00:08:12,403
That's when Tucker's on.
Who gives a --
221
00:08:12,486 --> 00:08:13,861
My real friends
are on their way,
222
00:08:13,945 --> 00:08:16,986
and I'm taking your precious
German sparkles with me.
223
00:08:17,069 --> 00:08:18,444
B-b-b-b-b-bad.
224
00:08:18,528 --> 00:08:19,569
[splat]
225
00:08:19,653 --> 00:08:22,611
Ah, shit,
I dropped the sparkles.
226
00:08:22,695 --> 00:08:25,319
Because the G-7 leaders
refuse to work toward
227
00:08:25,403 --> 00:08:27,319
our shared goal
of doing what I want,
228
00:08:27,403 --> 00:08:29,778
I am withdrawing
the United States from the G-7
229
00:08:29,861 --> 00:08:31,277
and founding a new summit
230
00:08:31,361 --> 00:08:33,236
only for leaders
who are tough, cool,
231
00:08:33,319 --> 00:08:35,820
and don't yell at me,
Bolsonaro, Bin Salman,
232
00:08:35,903 --> 00:08:38,778
Assad, Erdogan,
and Vladimir Putin of Russia,
233
00:08:38,861 --> 00:08:40,611
and I guess, pretty soon, Spain.
234
00:08:40,695 --> 00:08:44,152
Our new summit is one billion
times better than the G-7,
235
00:08:44,236 --> 00:08:45,695
so we're calling it...
236
00:08:45,778 --> 00:08:47,528
the G-A Million!
237
00:08:47,611 --> 00:08:49,236
No questions? Great.
[reporters shouting questions]
238
00:08:49,319 --> 00:08:51,361
Last one to the clubhouse
is a rotten immigrant.
239
00:08:51,444 --> 00:08:52,903
-[Putin] Not it! Not it!
-[Salman] No cheating!
240
00:08:52,986 --> 00:08:54,945
Also, Angela Merkel accidentally
called me "mom"
241
00:08:55,027 --> 00:08:58,611
in a meeting yesterday,
and it was hilarious.
242
00:08:58,695 --> 00:09:00,736
Okay, so we missed Tucker
by eight hours,
243
00:09:00,820 --> 00:09:03,611
but luckily Bill Hemmer's
anchoring daytime today --
244
00:09:03,695 --> 00:09:06,152
Yeah, yeah. Yo, Vlad, we missed
you at Mugabe's funeral.
245
00:09:06,236 --> 00:09:08,486
I sent a card.
I just felt weird, y'know --
246
00:09:08,569 --> 00:09:10,695
Robert and I kind of
drifted apart toward the end.
247
00:09:10,778 --> 00:09:13,111
That's how it was
with me and Saddam.
248
00:09:13,194 --> 00:09:14,903
One day, he's your hero,
the next,
249
00:09:14,986 --> 00:09:17,528
you're skipping his funeral
to assassinate a critic.
250
00:09:17,611 --> 00:09:21,361
I'm usually not invited
to other people's funerals.
251
00:09:21,444 --> 00:09:23,653
Donald, maybe tell us all about
the military coup
252
00:09:23,736 --> 00:09:26,361
that brought you to power?
I've gotten like really close
253
00:09:26,444 --> 00:09:28,361
but I've never done war,
unless you count
254
00:09:28,444 --> 00:09:30,569
getting your tie stuck
in a soft serve machine,
255
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:32,778
which, yeah,
doesn't count, I guess.
256
00:09:34,528 --> 00:09:36,444
Ivanka? The kids keep asking
for Mommy,
257
00:09:36,528 --> 00:09:37,861
and Consuela's not
picking up her phone --
258
00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:39,695
Shh. I'm studying.
259
00:09:39,778 --> 00:09:42,361
Barack Obama said
there's no magic wand
260
00:09:42,444 --> 00:09:43,903
to raising the GDP.
261
00:09:43,986 --> 00:09:47,152
Well, guess what?
Abracadabra, baby.
262
00:09:47,236 --> 00:09:50,528
Well, guess what?
Abracadabra, beeyotch.
263
00:09:50,611 --> 00:09:52,611
[mouse clicking]
Beeyotch! Beeyotch! Beeyotch!
264
00:09:52,695 --> 00:09:55,361
Beeyotch! Beeyotch!
Well, guess what?
265
00:09:55,444 --> 00:09:58,903
[British accent] The GDP
make me horny, baby. Yeah.
266
00:09:58,986 --> 00:10:00,986
You were right
all along, Jared.
267
00:10:01,069 --> 00:10:04,778
If I want to defeat Don Jr.,
I must become him.
268
00:10:04,861 --> 00:10:07,486
Give me the book.
269
00:10:07,569 --> 00:10:11,528
♪ Slick your hair back,
go on Hannity ♪
270
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,403
♪ Give a retweet ♪
271
00:10:13,486 --> 00:10:15,277
♪ To an anti-Semitic
conspiracy theory ♪
272
00:10:15,361 --> 00:10:17,403
♪ Becoming Don Jr. ♪
♪ I'm becoming Don Jr.! ♪
273
00:10:17,486 --> 00:10:19,403
♪ Becoming Don Jr.! ♪
♪ I'm becoming Don Jr.! ♪
274
00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:21,486
♪ Becoming Don Jr.! ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
275
00:10:21,569 --> 00:10:22,861
♪ Becoming Don Jr.! ♪
276
00:10:22,945 --> 00:10:25,736
♪ I'm becoming Don Jr., yeah! ♪
277
00:10:25,820 --> 00:10:28,069
♪♪♪
278
00:10:28,152 --> 00:10:30,736
Abracadabra, baby.
279
00:10:30,820 --> 00:10:33,611
♪ stately instrumental
music plays ♪
280
00:10:33,695 --> 00:10:36,277
I once sat on that log
with Dan Bongino
281
00:10:36,361 --> 00:10:38,319
and gabbed until sunrise.
282
00:10:38,403 --> 00:10:39,653
Where do you all gab
with Bongino?
283
00:10:39,736 --> 00:10:41,486
Mr. President, sir.
Any comment
284
00:10:41,569 --> 00:10:44,027
on claims from Senate Democrats
that your G-7 withdrawal
285
00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:46,736
is a, "Touring cast of
Hamilton-level disappointment"?
286
00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:48,403
How 'bout this
for a comment --
287
00:10:48,486 --> 00:10:50,945
I'm hereby revoking
your press pass.
288
00:10:51,027 --> 00:10:52,111
Now am-scray.
289
00:10:52,194 --> 00:10:54,236
Today is turning out
to be a doozy.
290
00:10:54,319 --> 00:10:56,778
So was he a close friend
of yours?
291
00:10:56,861 --> 00:10:58,778
That was quite
a love-fest.
292
00:10:58,861 --> 00:11:01,361
What are you talking about?
I ruined his whole afternoon.
293
00:11:01,444 --> 00:11:05,695
Guys, I'm sure Donald will melt
that journalist's bones into goo
294
00:11:05,778 --> 00:11:07,945
when he least expects it --
right, Donald?
295
00:11:08,027 --> 00:11:09,778
Yeah, yeah.
I'm one of you.
296
00:11:09,861 --> 00:11:13,111
Hey, did you see the latest
issue of "Dictator Digest"?
297
00:11:13,194 --> 00:11:15,111
What the fuck
is he talking about?
298
00:11:15,194 --> 00:11:17,611
It went out of print
four years ago.
299
00:11:17,695 --> 00:11:19,778
Hannity!
I'm Sean Hannity, and I don't
300
00:11:19,861 --> 00:11:22,569
like the look your Puerto Rican
nurse just gave you, either.
301
00:11:22,653 --> 00:11:23,986
Let's bring in
our special guest.
302
00:11:24,069 --> 00:11:26,569
Oh! Ivanka!
I like the new look.
303
00:11:26,653 --> 00:11:29,653
It's like you and your brother
finally had sex.
304
00:11:29,736 --> 00:11:31,569
Thanks, Sean.
The way working moms
305
00:11:31,653 --> 00:11:33,361
are treated
in this country makes,
306
00:11:33,444 --> 00:11:35,319
uh, does not
make me horny, baby?
307
00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:38,069
Sweet Irish Jesus,
saying "working moms"
308
00:11:38,152 --> 00:11:40,361
on my show
is ratings poison.
309
00:11:40,444 --> 00:11:42,277
Get Stephen Miller on,
stat.
310
00:11:42,361 --> 00:11:44,778
I'm here, I'm here.
311
00:11:44,861 --> 00:11:47,111
Loading undocumented immigrants
onto trains out of town
312
00:11:47,194 --> 00:11:50,986
will be a boon to white
Americans and Amtrak conductors!
313
00:11:51,069 --> 00:11:53,611
You're speakin' my language
Stephen Miller, English!
314
00:11:53,695 --> 00:11:56,820
♪ sad instrumental
music playing ♪
315
00:11:56,903 --> 00:11:59,486
And that's how you tell apart
Fox News' Bill Hemmer
316
00:11:59,569 --> 00:12:02,152
from Fox News' Pete Hegseth.
It's all in the eyes.
317
00:12:02,236 --> 00:12:03,986
So you guys wanna watch them,
or what?
318
00:12:04,069 --> 00:12:07,736
Not after you just spent the
past four hours describing them.
319
00:12:07,820 --> 00:12:09,945
[clears throat] 'Scuse me!
I'm back at Camp David
320
00:12:10,027 --> 00:12:13,319
to demand that the President
reinstate my press pass at once.
321
00:12:13,403 --> 00:12:14,778
Please, Mr. President,
322
00:12:14,861 --> 00:12:16,820
that and a back support belt
is all I have.
323
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,569
Why are his bones
not goo?
324
00:12:18,653 --> 00:12:20,444
Oh, uh, hey,
let's have a contest
325
00:12:20,528 --> 00:12:23,111
to see who can say the meanest
thing about Rosie O'Donnell.
326
00:12:23,194 --> 00:12:25,403
I'll start -- What a loser.
327
00:12:25,486 --> 00:12:27,027
Maybe we should head back
to Moscow.
328
00:12:27,111 --> 00:12:28,403
-[Erdogan] Yeah.
-[Salman] Let's go.
329
00:12:28,486 --> 00:12:30,194
No, no, you --
you can't leave.
330
00:12:30,277 --> 00:12:31,361
-Ugh.
-Hey, let us by,
331
00:12:31,444 --> 00:12:32,820
Mr. Chunky Stuff.
332
00:12:32,903 --> 00:12:34,736
[Merkel]
Great work today, G-7.
333
00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:37,611
I can't wait to share
my new Greek austerity plan.
334
00:12:37,695 --> 00:12:39,194
-Slay, kween.
-Sounds nice.
335
00:12:39,277 --> 00:12:41,695
You know what's even better
than a real war?
336
00:12:41,778 --> 00:12:43,277
A prank war.
337
00:12:43,361 --> 00:12:44,986
B-b-b-b-b-bad.
338
00:12:45,069 --> 00:12:46,027
[groans]
339
00:12:46,111 --> 00:12:48,236
♪ dignified music plays ♪
340
00:12:48,319 --> 00:12:49,820
[Jared] Last night,
while you were asleep
341
00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:51,444
and I was alone
in our large, dark kitchen
342
00:12:51,528 --> 00:12:52,820
trying to feel
anything at all,
343
00:12:52,903 --> 00:12:56,027
I read Don Jr.'s book,
and it was so engaging.
344
00:12:56,111 --> 00:12:57,653
If you start
complimenting my brother,
345
00:12:57,736 --> 00:13:00,277
I'll start planning a wedding
to Tom Brady in my head.
346
00:13:00,361 --> 00:13:03,778
Like Trump supporters,
Don Jr. is incredibly angry,
347
00:13:03,861 --> 00:13:06,653
so when it comes spewing out,
they connect with him.
348
00:13:06,736 --> 00:13:09,236
The bridesmaids
will wear violet.
349
00:13:09,319 --> 00:13:12,778
If only you had some old wound
to call upon to make you angry,
350
00:13:12,861 --> 00:13:14,903
but, alas, you're just
the perfect woman --
351
00:13:14,986 --> 00:13:16,736
[gasps]
The ski trip.
352
00:13:16,820 --> 00:13:18,820
♪ suspenseful music plays ♪
353
00:13:18,903 --> 00:13:20,403
[Donald Trump]
I didn't charge a ski trip
354
00:13:20,486 --> 00:13:21,736
to our bullshit
children's charity
355
00:13:21,820 --> 00:13:23,778
for you two to not compete.
356
00:13:23,861 --> 00:13:26,319
Last one down the hill has to
be a father figure to Eric.
357
00:13:26,403 --> 00:13:27,444
Ivanka wins.
358
00:13:27,528 --> 00:13:29,611
[Ivanka]
Yay! I won!
359
00:13:29,695 --> 00:13:31,486
Bad news, Junior --
your punishment
360
00:13:31,569 --> 00:13:34,653
is it'll be your fault when
I cheat on your mom -- Junior?
361
00:13:34,736 --> 00:13:36,069
[Don Jr.] Haha! Get it?!
362
00:13:36,152 --> 00:13:38,277
-I've given him a penis!
-[man] Awesome!
363
00:13:38,361 --> 00:13:39,319
[Donald Trump]
Nice work, champ.
364
00:13:39,403 --> 00:13:42,277
But I won!
Daddy!
365
00:13:42,361 --> 00:13:44,403
He's. Not. The. Champ.
366
00:13:44,486 --> 00:13:46,277
I'm. The. Champ!
367
00:13:46,361 --> 00:13:48,444
And the libtards
in the mainstream media
368
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:49,820
refuse to talk about it!
369
00:13:49,903 --> 00:13:51,611
Yes! Now let's get you
370
00:13:51,695 --> 00:13:54,778
somewhere a corn dog counts
as a serving of vegetables.
371
00:13:54,861 --> 00:13:56,945
♪ calm music plays ♪
372
00:13:57,027 --> 00:13:58,111
[cellphone dings]
373
00:13:58,194 --> 00:14:00,152
"Chancellor Merkel spent
taxpayer dollars
374
00:14:00,236 --> 00:14:02,778
on high-end, designer
muted flats"?
375
00:14:02,861 --> 00:14:04,277
[cellphone chimes]
"Anonymous source reveals
376
00:14:04,361 --> 00:14:07,111
French President's
urine-guzzling fetish"?
377
00:14:07,194 --> 00:14:08,528
[cellphone hums]
"Dozens of new Trudeau
378
00:14:08,611 --> 00:14:10,444
blackface photos uncovered"?
379
00:14:10,528 --> 00:14:11,945
There should be only one dozen.
380
00:14:12,027 --> 00:14:13,653
Who would spread
such rumors?
381
00:14:13,736 --> 00:14:15,778
[laughter in distance]
382
00:14:15,861 --> 00:14:17,695
"Guzzling"
is a funny word.
383
00:14:17,778 --> 00:14:20,736
We've been pranked
by the G-A Million.
384
00:14:20,820 --> 00:14:23,027
[laughter]
385
00:14:23,111 --> 00:14:24,861
There's no better feeling
386
00:14:24,945 --> 00:14:27,403
than exerting force
over people you barely know,
387
00:14:27,486 --> 00:14:30,820
when they least expect it,
for no reason at all.
388
00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:33,653
Donald, you're one of us now.
I had this made
389
00:14:33,736 --> 00:14:36,903
from part of a melted-down
Armenian Genocide memorial.
390
00:14:36,986 --> 00:14:39,319
Now we'll be bonded forever.
You go first.
391
00:14:39,403 --> 00:14:41,361
Okay, just do it
on the part of my ass
392
00:14:41,444 --> 00:14:43,319
that's already callused
from misuse.
393
00:14:43,403 --> 00:14:44,861
[sizzling]
394
00:14:44,945 --> 00:14:49,319
[screams]
My ass fat smells so good!
395
00:14:51,903 --> 00:14:53,277
[clears throat]
396
00:14:53,361 --> 00:14:55,444
Hello, Arizona.
397
00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:57,403
I'm Ivanka Trump.
398
00:14:57,486 --> 00:14:59,111
[woman] Uh, okay.
[bored muttering]
399
00:14:59,194 --> 00:15:03,695
And you can pry my liberty
out of my cold dead hands.
400
00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:06,236
Oh, and there's only
one gender -- men --
401
00:15:06,319 --> 00:15:10,236
and only one holiday --
Jesus Christ-mas.
402
00:15:10,319 --> 00:15:13,111
[crowd cheering raucously]
403
00:15:13,194 --> 00:15:15,653
Whoa, she's really
speaking truth to power.
404
00:15:15,736 --> 00:15:17,903
But she's stealing
my whole vibe.
405
00:15:17,986 --> 00:15:19,736
But she's doing
a killer job at it.
406
00:15:19,820 --> 00:15:22,403
But it's at my expense.
407
00:15:22,486 --> 00:15:25,653
Gah, I hate this
and I love this.
408
00:15:25,736 --> 00:15:29,569
♪ triumphant music plays ♪
409
00:15:29,653 --> 00:15:31,945
The doctor says
I'll never sit again,
410
00:15:32,027 --> 00:15:33,986
but you can't put
a price on camaraderie.
411
00:15:34,069 --> 00:15:35,611
President Trump,
it's Chuck Todd.
412
00:15:35,695 --> 00:15:36,986
You better reinstate
my press pass,
413
00:15:37,069 --> 00:15:39,361
or else you're bus--
you're brust-- busted.
414
00:15:39,444 --> 00:15:43,778
Donald, what do we do
with journalists?
415
00:15:43,861 --> 00:15:45,653
[all cheering]
[Todd] Excuse me, gentlemen,
416
00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:47,361
I can't report the news
from in here!
417
00:15:47,444 --> 00:15:49,027
What are you going to do
with his limbs?
418
00:15:49,111 --> 00:15:50,736
Wait, don't tell me --
I want it to be a surprise.
419
00:15:50,820 --> 00:15:52,611
I'll probably just keep him
in the shed.
420
00:15:52,695 --> 00:15:54,152
Ahhh, and set fire to it.
421
00:15:54,236 --> 00:15:56,778
And when the firemen show up,
their hoses shoot more fire!
422
00:15:56,861 --> 00:15:58,444
You're twisted, man.
Nah.
423
00:15:58,528 --> 00:16:00,820
See, if I do that,
people will start yelling at me,
424
00:16:00,903 --> 00:16:02,653
then I won't be able
to hear the TV,
425
00:16:02,736 --> 00:16:05,277
then I'll turn up the TV, and
then they'll just yell louder.
426
00:16:05,361 --> 00:16:07,736
Next thing I know,
I've missed Tucker and Hemmer.
427
00:16:07,820 --> 00:16:09,569
Right, guys?
428
00:16:09,653 --> 00:16:11,778
[Todd]
Bill Hemmer's a real class act.
429
00:16:11,861 --> 00:16:15,444
[car horns blaring]
430
00:16:15,528 --> 00:16:17,403
[female narrator] It's "The
View" with a fifth cast member
431
00:16:17,486 --> 00:16:19,569
that, by the time you finish
saying "Who the F is that?"
432
00:16:19,653 --> 00:16:21,069
she's gone.
433
00:16:21,152 --> 00:16:24,111
Let's jump back in
with Ivanka Trump!
434
00:16:24,194 --> 00:16:26,903
And then I realized,
it's not my problem
435
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,820
if my patriotism
triggers snowflakes.
436
00:16:29,903 --> 00:16:31,528
Excuse me, I'm talking.
437
00:16:31,611 --> 00:16:35,027
As a fellow strong,
independent daddy's girlboss,
438
00:16:35,111 --> 00:16:38,111
I must say something
about this "new Ivanka."
439
00:16:38,194 --> 00:16:39,861
[audience] Ooooooh!
440
00:16:39,945 --> 00:16:42,903
What you say at those
rallies is completely true --
441
00:16:42,986 --> 00:16:44,986
but I would never
say so out loud.
442
00:16:45,069 --> 00:16:47,611
Republicans aren't a party
of insults and cursing --
443
00:16:47,695 --> 00:16:50,528
Okay, wow, I'm talking! --
We're a party of politeness
444
00:16:50,611 --> 00:16:53,277
and legal discrimination --
I said I'm talking!
445
00:16:53,361 --> 00:16:54,778
I'm disappointed in you,
446
00:16:54,861 --> 00:16:56,569
and I know
this is going to sting,
447
00:16:56,653 --> 00:16:59,945
but I think my father would
be disappointed in you, too.
448
00:17:00,027 --> 00:17:03,277
[audience] Ooooooh!
449
00:17:03,361 --> 00:17:05,403
[Donald Trump] Now that Chuck
Todd is locked in a shed --
450
00:17:05,486 --> 00:17:06,903
the worst thing that can happen
to someone --
451
00:17:06,986 --> 00:17:08,778
how 'bout we celebrate
with the toughest
452
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:11,069
tough guy activity there is --
golf.
453
00:17:11,152 --> 00:17:12,653
How can you think about golf
454
00:17:12,736 --> 00:17:14,444
when there's so much work
to be done?
455
00:17:14,528 --> 00:17:15,903
Now that you've locked up
a journalist,
456
00:17:15,986 --> 00:17:17,903
you have to shut down
the free press.
457
00:17:17,986 --> 00:17:19,945
Bribe the courts into
changing the constitution,
458
00:17:20,027 --> 00:17:22,194
then prepare to quash
the inevitable uprising.
459
00:17:22,277 --> 00:17:25,069
Then fix the election,
quash the uprising,
460
00:17:25,152 --> 00:17:27,820
fix the election,
quash the -- You get it.
461
00:17:27,903 --> 00:17:30,236
How do you still have time
to watch "Fox and Friends"?
462
00:17:30,319 --> 00:17:32,403
Oh, Trumpy.
As far as free time,
463
00:17:32,486 --> 00:17:35,027
every morning,
I ride my horse at a full sprint
464
00:17:35,111 --> 00:17:36,611
for however long it takes
to snap a leg
465
00:17:36,695 --> 00:17:38,111
and that's pretty much it.
466
00:17:38,194 --> 00:17:40,820
-I haven't watched TV in years.
-What?!
467
00:17:40,903 --> 00:17:42,611
[crowd] Ivanka! Ivanka! Ivanka!
468
00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:45,653
Don't let them define you.
You can be a flag-humping racist
469
00:17:45,736 --> 00:17:47,486
and a working mom,
470
00:17:47,569 --> 00:17:49,111
a disgrace
to the Republican party
471
00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:51,986
and a selectively
liberal socialite.
472
00:17:52,069 --> 00:17:54,069
Hello, Carson City.
473
00:17:54,152 --> 00:17:57,736
My name is Ivanka Trump,
and all I have to say is --
474
00:17:57,820 --> 00:17:59,444
Disappointed...
475
00:17:59,528 --> 00:18:00,778
Disappointed...
476
00:18:00,861 --> 00:18:03,653
My father...
father...father...
477
00:18:03,736 --> 00:18:05,236
As a working mom...
478
00:18:05,319 --> 00:18:07,194
[man]
Whoa, what the F is this?
479
00:18:07,277 --> 00:18:10,986
Sometimes, it feels like
I've been shadow banned
480
00:18:11,069 --> 00:18:12,861
by the lack
of paid maternity leave.
481
00:18:12,945 --> 00:18:14,152
[crowd shouting angrily]
482
00:18:14,236 --> 00:18:17,444
No! Wait!
Please, let me explain!
483
00:18:17,528 --> 00:18:20,194
This whole stupid act
was your idea.
484
00:18:20,277 --> 00:18:22,903
All I ever wanted was
for you to manipulate the public
485
00:18:22,986 --> 00:18:24,444
for the sake
of my political career.
486
00:18:24,528 --> 00:18:26,194
You know,
I hate to say it,
487
00:18:26,277 --> 00:18:28,861
but John McCain actually
would be disappointed in you.
488
00:18:28,945 --> 00:18:31,736
[gasps]
489
00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:33,695
You can save money
on bullets
490
00:18:33,778 --> 00:18:35,903
if you arm the death squad
with machetes.
491
00:18:35,986 --> 00:18:39,027
Sure, sure, but then you have
to factor in the physical strain
492
00:18:39,111 --> 00:18:40,695
and carpal tunnel
is not a joke.
493
00:18:40,778 --> 00:18:41,903
[all murmur in agreement]
494
00:18:41,986 --> 00:18:44,361
Now can we
watch TV, please?
495
00:18:44,444 --> 00:18:47,069
I wish you were this worked up
when Chuck Todd barged in.
496
00:18:47,152 --> 00:18:49,152
Yeah. What are you,
in love with Chuck Todd?
497
00:18:49,236 --> 00:18:50,945
Get off my back, Dad.
I mean --
498
00:18:51,027 --> 00:18:52,945
[laughter]
He said Dad! He called me Dad!
499
00:18:53,027 --> 00:18:54,569
-Did you hear it?
-Oh, my God.
500
00:18:54,653 --> 00:18:56,945
Donald, you are
a big, fat baby.
501
00:18:57,027 --> 00:18:59,569
I'm not fat. My doctor says
I'm just full of mystery fluid
502
00:18:59,653 --> 00:19:00,820
like a lava lamp.
503
00:19:00,903 --> 00:19:02,403
Plus, you've never
staged a coup.
504
00:19:02,486 --> 00:19:03,653
Never been in the KGB.
505
00:19:03,736 --> 00:19:06,194
And you've never enacted
murderous revenge
506
00:19:06,277 --> 00:19:08,528
on insolent journalists
like Chuck Todd.
507
00:19:08,611 --> 00:19:10,945
I mean, I want to,
but the laws --
508
00:19:11,027 --> 00:19:13,861
Oh, my God, the laws!
This guy still has laws!
509
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:15,361
[laughter]
510
00:19:15,444 --> 00:19:17,945
You know what?
You blood-thirsty dictators
511
00:19:18,027 --> 00:19:20,945
are a bunch of jerks!
512
00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:23,611
Sorry, guys, I thought
Donald was cool.
513
00:19:23,695 --> 00:19:25,945
My bad.
514
00:19:26,027 --> 00:19:27,778
♪ news theme music plays ♪
515
00:19:27,861 --> 00:19:29,152
We're following reports
that several
516
00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:31,069
of the world's
most brutal dictators
517
00:19:31,152 --> 00:19:32,778
have defected
from the G-A Million
518
00:19:32,861 --> 00:19:34,945
and annexed part
of Camp David as their own.
519
00:19:35,027 --> 00:19:37,277
But first, our search
for the still-missing Chad Todd
520
00:19:37,361 --> 00:19:40,111
continues.
Was it "Chad"?
521
00:19:40,194 --> 00:19:43,111
I can't believe I've resorted
to hanging with Boris Johnson.
522
00:19:43,194 --> 00:19:45,736
It's like sitting next
to my own umbilical cord.
523
00:19:45,820 --> 00:19:47,695
Here in America,
you have Tootsie Rolls,
524
00:19:47,778 --> 00:19:50,986
and Hershey's and Butterfinger,
but they're all too sweet.
525
00:19:51,069 --> 00:19:53,027
Yuck.
[whacking, laughter]
526
00:19:53,111 --> 00:19:55,152
[Todd]
Okay, very funny. What, is that
527
00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:57,653
the world champion Washington
Nationals out there? Ha.
528
00:19:57,736 --> 00:20:01,486
I guess I'll always be stuck
between G-7 and A Million,
529
00:20:01,569 --> 00:20:04,986
and only a genius can figure out
what wacky number that is.
530
00:20:05,069 --> 00:20:07,778
Probably has like
an eyeball symbol or something.
531
00:20:07,861 --> 00:20:11,319
[crowd cheering, fart noises]
532
00:20:11,403 --> 00:20:12,820
[laughing]
533
00:20:12,903 --> 00:20:15,486
Wow, you've been such
good little supporters.
534
00:20:15,569 --> 00:20:16,903
You deserve a treat.
535
00:20:16,986 --> 00:20:18,569
-Ow!
-You rock!
536
00:20:18,653 --> 00:20:20,069
These books are not free.
537
00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:22,736
Venmo me, or it's
legally stealing.
538
00:20:23,569 --> 00:20:26,778
[screams]
539
00:20:26,861 --> 00:20:29,361
[fart noises]
540
00:20:33,194 --> 00:20:34,569
[Pompeo]
Sorry I've been M-I-A.
541
00:20:34,653 --> 00:20:37,152
I followed what I thought
was a monarch butterfly
542
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:38,903
for 46 miles,
but it turned out
543
00:20:38,986 --> 00:20:41,695
to be a Butterfinger wrapper
caught in an air stream.
544
00:20:41,778 --> 00:20:43,861
How was the summit?
They all left me.
545
00:20:43,945 --> 00:20:46,820
Now I know how the last
Sudafed in the pack feels.
546
00:20:46,903 --> 00:20:48,152
Come on,
Mr. President.
547
00:20:48,236 --> 00:20:49,736
Let me lead you
to an epiphany
548
00:20:49,820 --> 00:20:52,361
like that wrapper led me
to outer Harrisburg.
549
00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:55,861
Are you sure about this?
550
00:20:55,945 --> 00:20:57,611
Mr. President,
I'm more sure
551
00:20:57,695 --> 00:20:59,361
about this than
anything I've ever --
552
00:20:59,444 --> 00:21:02,027
Okay, Jesus! I didn't ask
for your life story!
553
00:21:02,111 --> 00:21:03,903
Here we go.
554
00:21:04,236 --> 00:21:06,444
[groans]
Do you get it, yet?
555
00:21:06,528 --> 00:21:09,069
No, I think I need
to go a little further.
556
00:21:09,152 --> 00:21:11,403
[groans]
[gasps] There it is!
557
00:21:11,486 --> 00:21:14,403
I've tapped into that
familiar feeling -- power.
558
00:21:14,486 --> 00:21:17,695
I don't like the G-7
or the G-A Million because,
559
00:21:17,778 --> 00:21:19,736
for whatever reason,
they refuse to bow
560
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:21,319
to my every whim.
[groans]
561
00:21:21,403 --> 00:21:23,945
Why would I ever want to
associate with people like that?
562
00:21:24,027 --> 00:21:25,444
I don't know,
Mr. President.
563
00:21:25,528 --> 00:21:27,277
Don't you back-talk me!
564
00:21:27,361 --> 00:21:30,820
You're right. I think I know
how to feel powerful again.
565
00:21:32,986 --> 00:21:35,903
[Ivanka] Your stupid book
ruined my life!
566
00:21:35,986 --> 00:21:39,611
All I wanted was to introduce
Daddy at the 2020 RNC,
567
00:21:39,695 --> 00:21:41,152
inherit the Trump dynasty,
568
00:21:41,236 --> 00:21:42,903
and live for
10,000 years
569
00:21:42,986 --> 00:21:45,736
in a stainless steel
orbiting dollhouse!
570
00:21:45,820 --> 00:21:47,736
Clearly, you didn't get
to that chapter
571
00:21:47,820 --> 00:21:49,319
where I talked about
that ski trip
572
00:21:49,403 --> 00:21:51,152
we went on as kids.
Remember that?
573
00:21:51,236 --> 00:21:53,236
I don't know.
Sort of.
574
00:21:53,319 --> 00:21:55,695
That morning,
after dad backhanded me
575
00:21:55,778 --> 00:21:58,486
for not wearing a suit and tie
over my snow pants,
576
00:21:58,569 --> 00:22:01,361
I remember thinking, "Damn it,
how can I ever compete
577
00:22:01,444 --> 00:22:03,778
with perfect little Ivanka
who never freaks out
578
00:22:03,861 --> 00:22:05,152
when we go
through a car wash."
579
00:22:05,236 --> 00:22:07,444
Aah! Oh.
I just went back there.
580
00:22:07,528 --> 00:22:09,778
This whole time
I've been thinking
581
00:22:09,861 --> 00:22:11,569
"How can I compete
with gross,
582
00:22:11,653 --> 00:22:14,528
psychologically
unstable Don Jr.?"
583
00:22:14,611 --> 00:22:17,027
Oh, Ivanka, if you
hadn't pushed me
584
00:22:17,111 --> 00:22:19,111
to develop
the debilitating insecurity
585
00:22:19,194 --> 00:22:20,444
that rules my every moment,
586
00:22:20,528 --> 00:22:22,611
I'd probably still be
back in Colorado,
587
00:22:22,695 --> 00:22:24,277
sucking down mugs
of hot Natty Lite
588
00:22:24,361 --> 00:22:26,319
after a long day
of moose-punching.
589
00:22:26,403 --> 00:22:29,152
And if I wasn't pushed
to compete with you
590
00:22:29,236 --> 00:22:31,778
to inherit Daddy's
political dynasty,
591
00:22:31,861 --> 00:22:34,444
I'd probably just settle
for being a gorgeous mom
592
00:22:34,528 --> 00:22:37,152
to three kids whose names
I sometimes confuse
593
00:22:37,236 --> 00:22:40,152
with characters
on "Big Little Lies."
594
00:22:40,236 --> 00:22:41,903
We need to compete.
We need to compete.
595
00:22:41,986 --> 00:22:43,778
[ring tone plays]
596
00:22:43,861 --> 00:22:45,820
[President Trump] It's
the puppet master speaking.
597
00:22:45,903 --> 00:22:47,778
I've decided to start
a brand new summit,
598
00:22:47,861 --> 00:22:50,486
and I need you two to speak
at the opening ceremony.
599
00:22:50,569 --> 00:22:53,152
Whoever does best will get
to introduce me at the RNC.
600
00:22:53,236 --> 00:22:54,736
Okay, compete,
compete, compete.
601
00:22:54,820 --> 00:22:56,194
[beep]
602
00:22:56,861 --> 00:22:59,569
[Todd] Who's there? Is it
my best friend Lester Holt
603
00:22:59,653 --> 00:23:02,236
and a ragtag brotherhood of
bad asses here to bust me out?
604
00:23:02,319 --> 00:23:03,903
I'd like to make a deal.
No way.
605
00:23:03,986 --> 00:23:06,152
I'm finally going to say
what I really think.
606
00:23:06,236 --> 00:23:09,403
Mr. Trump, you are
deeply, deeply rude. Sorry.
607
00:23:09,486 --> 00:23:11,236
I just need one tiny
thing from you,
608
00:23:11,319 --> 00:23:13,778
and, in exchange, you'll get
an exclusive interview,
609
00:23:13,861 --> 00:23:16,111
softball questions,
shared with me beforehand.
610
00:23:16,194 --> 00:23:20,152
Wow, I'll say yes, but what's
the tiny thing you need?
611
00:23:20,236 --> 00:23:23,403
[screams]
612
00:23:25,111 --> 00:23:27,069
Nice doing
business with you.
613
00:23:27,152 --> 00:23:28,986
♪ Let your hair down ♪
614
00:23:29,069 --> 00:23:30,736
♪ Fake philanthropy ♪
615
00:23:30,820 --> 00:23:31,945
Anytime beard!
616
00:23:32,027 --> 00:23:33,611
♪ Hide your politics ♪
617
00:23:33,695 --> 00:23:36,194
♪ Behind your performative
feminist identity ♪
618
00:23:36,277 --> 00:23:37,695
♪ I'm back to Ivanka! ♪
619
00:23:37,778 --> 00:23:40,319
♪ Oh, I'm back to Ivanka! ♪
620
00:23:40,403 --> 00:23:42,069
♪ Whoa ♪
621
00:23:42,152 --> 00:23:44,569
♪ Oh, I'm back
to Ivanka Trump! ♪
622
00:23:47,027 --> 00:23:50,111
I think you guys
are trained now.
623
00:23:51,277 --> 00:23:52,695
[cheers and applause]
624
00:23:52,778 --> 00:23:54,861
What's up, Camp David?
Hello, kweens!
625
00:23:54,945 --> 00:23:56,528
My dad know...
My daddy knows...
626
00:23:56,611 --> 00:23:58,569
...that safe spaces are...
...that the lack of...
627
00:23:58,653 --> 00:24:00,695
-...are destroying this country.
-...is destroying this country.
628
00:24:00,778 --> 00:24:02,319
-And we need less so-called...
-And we need more nursing rooms.
629
00:24:02,403 --> 00:24:04,069
...political correctness.
[coughs]
630
00:24:04,152 --> 00:24:05,986
Too much real beard
hair fumes.
631
00:24:06,069 --> 00:24:07,653
And...[coughs]
632
00:24:07,736 --> 00:24:09,444
Also close to his heart is
equal pay for equal work.
633
00:24:09,528 --> 00:24:11,861
Also close to his heart
is the right to bring your...
634
00:24:11,945 --> 00:24:13,820
He said that
the other day when
635
00:24:13,903 --> 00:24:16,277
I was playing with LEGO blocks
in the Oval Office.
636
00:24:16,361 --> 00:24:18,695
Jesus Ass!
The fumes are killing me.
637
00:24:18,778 --> 00:24:21,736
And now, without
further adieu,
638
00:24:21,820 --> 00:24:24,236
President
Donald J. Trump.
639
00:24:24,319 --> 00:24:25,903
[applause]
640
00:24:25,986 --> 00:24:28,569
Someone just won themselves
an RNC introduction spot.
641
00:24:28,653 --> 00:24:30,194
Unless I change my mind later.
642
00:24:30,277 --> 00:24:32,027
I really wanted
that spot.
643
00:24:32,111 --> 00:24:33,319
What the ass?!
644
00:24:33,403 --> 00:24:35,069
But, like Ivanka,
if you need
645
00:24:35,152 --> 00:24:37,611
a running mate in 2024,
I can be hella deferential.
646
00:24:37,695 --> 00:24:40,236
But I live
to scorn you!
647
00:24:40,319 --> 00:24:42,903
But seriously, I will win
you the hepatitis vote.
648
00:24:42,986 --> 00:24:44,236
Shut up.
Earlier today,
649
00:24:44,319 --> 00:24:46,111
when I took
Chuck Todd's finger --
650
00:24:46,194 --> 00:24:48,111
Exclusive interview
airing Thursday
651
00:24:48,194 --> 00:24:49,403
at 4:00 A.M.
Central.
652
00:24:49,486 --> 00:24:51,111
...I thought
I needed it to prove
653
00:24:51,194 --> 00:24:53,486
I could run with the big dogs
of the G-A Million,
654
00:24:53,569 --> 00:24:56,528
but now I realize that
they aren't the big dog.
655
00:24:56,611 --> 00:24:59,403
I'm the big dog because
my children will stop
656
00:24:59,486 --> 00:25:01,277
at nothing
to win my approval.
657
00:25:01,361 --> 00:25:02,903
We love you, Dad!
658
00:25:02,986 --> 00:25:04,528
Not now, vagrant.
659
00:25:04,611 --> 00:25:06,695
I'm therefore announcing
a brand-new summit
660
00:25:06,778 --> 00:25:09,194
for the only people who
really matter.
661
00:25:09,277 --> 00:25:11,611
The G-Me. It's just me.
662
00:25:11,695 --> 00:25:13,319
Oh, and my two kids.
663
00:25:13,403 --> 00:25:15,945
And because I got nothing
to prove to the dictators,
664
00:25:16,027 --> 00:25:17,986
I don't need this anymore.
665
00:25:18,069 --> 00:25:19,152
[grunts]
666
00:25:19,236 --> 00:25:20,653
I guess I will be
wearing my
667
00:25:20,736 --> 00:25:23,152
middle school graduation
ring on my other hand.
668
00:25:23,236 --> 00:25:24,528
At least I got
my interview.
669
00:25:24,611 --> 00:25:25,945
And the interview's off.
670
00:25:26,027 --> 00:25:28,277
I'd speak up, but you
gotta respect the office.
671
00:25:28,361 --> 00:25:30,194
[applause]
672
00:25:30,820 --> 00:25:34,444
Oh! Ivanka, light of my
life, hollow of my cheeks,
673
00:25:34,528 --> 00:25:36,152
you were amazing
up there!
674
00:25:36,236 --> 00:25:39,861
Oh, Jared, I was angry
at you before, but now?
675
00:25:39,945 --> 00:25:41,611
You're complimenting me.
676
00:25:41,695 --> 00:25:43,528
I am so sorry
about earlier.
677
00:25:43,611 --> 00:25:46,319
John McCain would be
really proud of you.
678
00:25:46,403 --> 00:25:47,736
Oh, Jared,
679
00:25:47,820 --> 00:25:49,653
That's the most
romantic thing you've
680
00:25:49,736 --> 00:25:51,152
ever said to me!
681
00:25:51,236 --> 00:25:53,319
Hey, Trumpy, you know,
uh, that was pretty cool
682
00:25:53,403 --> 00:25:55,319
what you did with that
journalist's finger.
683
00:25:55,403 --> 00:25:57,027
You know, if you aren't
doing anything later --
684
00:25:57,111 --> 00:25:59,236
Oh, sorry, Putin,
but my brain just showed me
685
00:25:59,319 --> 00:26:02,152
a picture of cheesy popcorn
and told me to stop listening.
686
00:26:02,236 --> 00:26:04,986
Excuse me. I've got
a G-Me summit to attend.
687
00:26:05,069 --> 00:26:06,486
Jared, get out
of my seat!
688
00:26:06,569 --> 00:26:08,778
I want to sit next to
Ivanka so I can bother her!
689
00:26:08,861 --> 00:26:10,569
I-I got plans anyway.
I promised MBS
690
00:26:10,653 --> 00:26:12,111
I'd go with him
to check out
691
00:26:12,194 --> 00:26:13,194
the new line
of bone saws.
692
00:26:13,277 --> 00:26:15,319
Two peas in a pod,
you two.
693
00:26:15,403 --> 00:26:17,319
Let's go!
694
00:26:17,403 --> 00:26:19,486
Just remembered
I've never driven before.
695
00:26:19,569 --> 00:26:20,861
Wheeee!
[crash]
696
00:26:20,945 --> 00:26:22,444
['80s-style pop music plays]
697
00:26:22,528 --> 00:26:25,361
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
698
00:26:25,444 --> 00:26:29,027
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
699
00:26:29,111 --> 00:26:31,319
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
700
00:26:31,403 --> 00:26:33,152
♪ Yes, he is ♪
701
00:26:33,236 --> 00:26:36,194
♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪
702
00:26:36,277 --> 00:26:38,319
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
703
00:26:38,403 --> 00:26:40,194
♪ Yes, he is ♪
704
00:26:40,277 --> 00:26:43,069
♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪
705
00:26:43,152 --> 00:26:48,111
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
706
00:26:50,236 --> 00:26:51,653
♪ Donald Trump ♪
707
00:26:51,736 --> 00:26:55,319
♪ He is our president ♪
708
00:26:55,403 --> 00:26:58,736
♪ We made him president ♪
709
00:26:58,820 --> 00:27:01,069
♪ We did it ♪
710
00:27:01,152 --> 00:27:04,903
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
711
00:27:04,986 --> 00:27:07,903
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
712
00:27:07,986 --> 00:27:11,569
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
713
00:27:11,653 --> 00:27:15,111
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
714
00:27:15,194 --> 00:27:18,695
♪ Yeah ♪
715
00:27:18,778 --> 00:27:20,653
Trump!
54938
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