Original subtitles

-Mr. President, sir! -Mr. President! Mr. President!

-Mr. President! -Over here, Mr. President!

Wow, is this coronavirus great or what?

You get to work from home in your pajamas, watching TV,

sweating down to your couch springs,

coughing like you got three tennis balls in your lungs.

What an exciting time to be barely alive.

Okay, Pence, you're up.

In troubling times, I find comfort in the Good Book.

Bored. Okay.

I assume there aren't any questions.

[female reporter] What can the American people do to stay safe?

First, stop voting for Joe Biden in the primaries.

Those ballots are Petri dishes.

And second, wash your hands thoroughly like I do,

by scrubbing them in freezing-cold water

long enough to recite your screaming match

with Tony Little at the Palm in '92.

[male reporter] Have you been tested for the virus?

No need. Sure, I've shaken hands

with several dozen people who are now quarantined,

but the surgeon general gave me a pregnancy test

and said I'm in the clear.

Side note -- Until the threat has passed,

the CDC is advising people to avoid shaking hands

or checking their 401(k)s.

Are you at all worried that the outbreak

will further destabilize the markets?

Hello, the markets are supposed to jump up and down.

That just means they're excited!

And now my treasury secretary will put your mind at ease.

Don't worry. We're doing a tax cut

to help all the average Americans out there,

from the guy who operates my private elevator

to the gal who pumps pig fat into my wife's forehead.

Whoo! Now we're having fun!

Oh, by the way, I know a lot of festivals are shutting down,

so I'm proud to announce that I'll be hosting

my own Coachella on the South Lawn!

Mark McGrath is a hard maybe.

When can we expect a vaccine?

As soon as we figure out a way to funnel all the money

we funneled out of the CDC back into it.

Alright, I think we're good here.

Ted Cronaviruz!

A sewage pipe burst at my place, so I'm quarantining here!

Hey, look! Coronavirus gets you so sweaty,

you can shake yourself dry like a big, fluffy dog!

[blathering]

Okay, apocalypse time.

Every man for himself.

[spits, laughs] [all screaming]

♪ regal instrumental music plays ♪

Oh, thanks for nothing, assholes!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Donald Trump] Beautiful Camp David, USA.

Tons of amenities -- a world-class golf course,

two pools clogged with my body hair,

and a trampoline with a big hole ripped through it

that was like that when I got here.

Perfect place for a G-7 summit.

Pompeo here will fetch you anything you need.

I am thrilled to be a part of this historic,

fun-tastic weekend in the great outdoors.

I'd say the only thing that could make this

even more historic is if we let --

No. Let me finish.

If we let Russia -- No.

Let me finish, damn it.

If we let Russia re-join the G-7!

-No. -No.

We voted Russia out of the summit

back in 2014 with the support of President Obama.

But nothing Obama did really counts,

except for when he wrecked the economy

and mugged that lady in Central Park.

♪ classical music plays ♪

Ugh. I'm so bored, I'd rather wait in the car

while Melania gives birth again.

They'll never understand guys like us --

cool, buff, mercilessly powerful underdog outcasts.

Come hang here! It's me, Assad,

Bolsonaro, MBS, and Erdogan.

We're gonna carve up a globe like a watermelon.

I can't. These G-7 squares will yell at me.

Alright, suit yourself.

Hey, use the bathroom upstairs. The one down here is tricky.

[beep] Putin?

Okay, gotta go.

You're right. I would beat Dog the Bounty Hunter

in a bare-knuckle boxing match. Bye.

♪ suspenseful music plays ♪

While Trump is off stickin' it

to those pro-world-peace globalists,

I'm planning the Republican National Convention.

All we need is a kickass speech

introducing the President courtesy of --

Thank you, but I really speak for women everywhere --

Don Jr. Haha.

Got your ass, Ivanka.

You sure did, champ.

What? He's not the champ.

I'm the champ. Not according to the polls.

Whoa, a iPad.

When we asked Republicans who they'd most likely support

in a future presidential run,

the overwhelming answer was Don Jr.

Him? But I'm America's unimaginably wealthy sweetheart.

Blue-collar voters just don't trust

someone who has never drunk- driven a riding mower to work.

♪ suspenseful music plays ♪

I should've known this G-7 would be a bunch of cliquey leaders

gossiping about the economic fate of the world.

A destabilizing pandemic like coronavirus

makes the world more vulnerable to authoritarianism.

Hello? I'm right here.

It's no Eton Dining Castle for Hungry Little Rich Boys,

but I quite like it here.

Back in London, everyone always complains

my ideas are a stepping stone to ethnic cleansing.

That never happens to me where I'm from.

I wanna go home.

Why don't you go back to Washington, then?

[crying] Everyone will think I'm a big baby, and I'm not.

I'm not a baby, Boris.

Cheer up, you git. Aren't you excited

for the big rip-roarin' G-7 luncheon tomorrow?

Well, I like lunch, but luncheon?

I don't know, sounds kinda Jewish.

[crowd cheering]

[Ivanka] My father, and our next president,

Donald J. Trump.

Ivanka, I hate seeing you like this.

You look like you just overheard one of the kids

calling the nanny "Mom" again.

I just can't believe that poll.

I was destined to make history

as America's first classically hot president.

If you really want to compete with Don Jr.,

you'll need to do some research.

I found it wedged into the crawlspace

in one of my rental properties.

We get a lot of destitute perverts

living in the walls of those things.

Ew, Jared. No way am I taking advice

from a book without a picture of me on the cover.

To compete with Don Jr.,

you need to start plotting your next move now.

First the RNC, then the Presidency,

and then I'll be the one

giving the Saudis permission to use the bone saw.

I'm not going to stoop to his level, Jared.

Besides, half of Don Jr.'s fans will probably be dead

from ATV jousting by 2020 anyway.

[Donald Trump] What the hell is this?

I've barfed up more appetizing meals

onto my plastic dinner-poncho.

Settle down, Mr. Trump.

This is the German asparagus delicacy "spargel."

Ugh! It reeks, and not in a good KFC-on-an-airplane way.

Please, Mr. Trump.

Such blatant cultural insensitivity has no place

anywhere except a Halloween party.

Get off my back, Trudeau.

Boys, behave yourselves.

Why are you yelling at me?

I didn't even do anything, Mom. I mean --

Oh, my God. Did you just call her Mom?

Baby wants his mom. [laughter]

That's way worse than blackface.

[laughter]

[crowd] We want Trump! We want Trump!

Arrrr, hmm.

Cowl neck cashmere cardigan

consumed by fiery factory fire.

Those dusty farmhands are going to lap up my soliloquy

like whatever flavor San Pellegrino

sells best at the local honky-tonk.

[crowd] We want Trump!

Hello, fellow warrior queens!

[man coughs]

Joe Biden is a big, fat chode. [crowd cheering]

He should legally have to change his name to "Chode Biden."

But you know what I'm sick and tired of?

Joe Biden always trying to change his name

to "Chode Biden" on the taxpayer dime.

Joe Biden will never understand the struggle of working moms --

[crowd quiets]

[man] Let the boy one talk!

Check out "Triggered."

For sale wherever the truth is sold.

And how about my GF Kimberly,

the most hottest woman onstage right now?

These high heels are made from non-recyclable plastic.

Hahaha! Oh, sweet! Head shot!

Look alive, Jared. We have work to do.

♪ bold instrumental music plays ♪

And so, the malnourished children of Burkina Faso --

Hey, Putin, I'm not making friends at the G-7

like you said I would.

No one liked my Shinzo Abe impression.

[Putin] Be a brave little puppet and --

[crash] Haha, guys, cut it out.

Gaddafi gave me that sword.

Sorry. The guys are letting loose after a long week

of having their will enforced at gunpoint.

Wish you could join, but y'know, don't want

Justin Trudeau to be disappointed in you.

Alright, bye --

Wait, what if you guys come party here?

I'll even let you borrow my military.

You can invade Spain for all I care.

Hmm. Let me ask the guys.

Hey, Trump wants us to come over to Camp David.

Ah, what's the harm?

My girlfriend Lindsay Lohan says he's pretty funny on Twitter.

Okay, Donald, fill up a tub. We're in.

Yes. Try to get here by eight.

That's when Tucker's on. Who gives a --

My real friends are on their way,

and I'm taking your precious German sparkles with me.

B-b-b-b-b-bad.

[splat]

Ah, shit, I dropped the sparkles.

Because the G-7 leaders refuse to work toward

our shared goal of doing what I want,

I am withdrawing the United States from the G-7

and founding a new summit

only for leaders who are tough, cool,

and don't yell at me, Bolsonaro, Bin Salman,

Assad, Erdogan, and Vladimir Putin of Russia,

and I guess, pretty soon, Spain.

Our new summit is one billion times better than the G-7,

so we're calling it...

the G-A Million!

No questions? Great. [reporters shouting questions]

Last one to the clubhouse is a rotten immigrant.

-[Putin] Not it! Not it! -[Salman] No cheating!

Also, Angela Merkel accidentally called me "mom"

in a meeting yesterday, and it was hilarious.

Okay, so we missed Tucker by eight hours,

but luckily Bill Hemmer's anchoring daytime today --

Yeah, yeah. Yo, Vlad, we missed you at Mugabe's funeral.

I sent a card. I just felt weird, y'know --

Robert and I kind of drifted apart toward the end.

That's how it was with me and Saddam.

One day, he's your hero, the next,

you're skipping his funeral to assassinate a critic.

I'm usually not invited to other people's funerals.

Donald, maybe tell us all about the military coup

that brought you to power? I've gotten like really close

but I've never done war, unless you count

getting your tie stuck in a soft serve machine,

which, yeah, doesn't count, I guess.

Ivanka? The kids keep asking for Mommy,

and Consuela's not picking up her phone --

Shh. I'm studying.

Barack Obama said there's no magic wand

to raising the GDP.

Well, guess what? Abracadabra, baby.

Well, guess what? Abracadabra, beeyotch.

[mouse clicking] Beeyotch! Beeyotch! Beeyotch!

Beeyotch! Beeyotch! Well, guess what?

[British accent] The GDP make me horny, baby. Yeah.

You were right all along, Jared.

If I want to defeat Don Jr., I must become him.

Give me the book.

♪ Slick your hair back, go on Hannity ♪

♪ Give a retweet ♪

♪ To an anti-Semitic conspiracy theory ♪

♪ Becoming Don Jr. ♪ ♪ I'm becoming Don Jr.! ♪

♪ Becoming Don Jr.! ♪ ♪ I'm becoming Don Jr.! ♪

♪ Becoming Don Jr.! ♪ ♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Becoming Don Jr.! ♪

♪ I'm becoming Don Jr., yeah! ♪

♪♪♪

Abracadabra, baby.

♪ stately instrumental music plays ♪

I once sat on that log with Dan Bongino

and gabbed until sunrise.

Where do you all gab with Bongino?

Mr. President, sir. Any comment

on claims from Senate Democrats that your G-7 withdrawal

is a, "Touring cast of Hamilton-level disappointment"?

How 'bout this for a comment --

I'm hereby revoking your press pass.

Now am-scray.

Today is turning out to be a doozy.

So was he a close friend of yours?

That was quite a love-fest.

What are you talking about? I ruined his whole afternoon.

Guys, I'm sure Donald will melt that journalist's bones into goo

when he least expects it -- right, Donald?

Yeah, yeah. I'm one of you.

Hey, did you see the latest issue of "Dictator Digest"?

What the fuck is he talking about?

It went out of print four years ago.

Hannity! I'm Sean Hannity, and I don't

like the look your Puerto Rican nurse just gave you, either.

Let's bring in our special guest.

Oh! Ivanka! I like the new look.

It's like you and your brother finally had sex.

Thanks, Sean. The way working moms

are treated in this country makes,

uh, does not make me horny, baby?

Sweet Irish Jesus, saying "working moms"

on my show is ratings poison.

Get Stephen Miller on, stat.

I'm here, I'm here.

Loading undocumented immigrants onto trains out of town

will be a boon to white Americans and Amtrak conductors!

You're speakin' my language Stephen Miller, English!

♪ sad instrumental music playing ♪

And that's how you tell apart Fox News' Bill Hemmer

from Fox News' Pete Hegseth. It's all in the eyes.

So you guys wanna watch them, or what?

Not after you just spent the past four hours describing them.

[clears throat] 'Scuse me! I'm back at Camp David

to demand that the President reinstate my press pass at once.

Please, Mr. President,

that and a back support belt is all I have.

Why are his bones not goo?

Oh, uh, hey, let's have a contest

to see who can say the meanest thing about Rosie O'Donnell.

I'll start -- What a loser.

Maybe we should head back to Moscow.

-[Erdogan] Yeah. -[Salman] Let's go.

No, no, you -- you can't leave.

-Ugh. -Hey, let us by,

Mr. Chunky Stuff.

[Merkel] Great work today, G-7.

I can't wait to share my new Greek austerity plan.

-Slay, kween. -Sounds nice.

You know what's even better than a real war?

A prank war.

B-b-b-b-b-bad.

[groans]

♪ dignified music plays ♪

[Jared] Last night, while you were asleep

and I was alone in our large, dark kitchen

trying to feel anything at all,

I read Don Jr.'s book, and it was so engaging.

If you start complimenting my brother,

I'll start planning a wedding to Tom Brady in my head.

Like Trump supporters, Don Jr. is incredibly angry,

so when it comes spewing out, they connect with him.

The bridesmaids will wear violet.

If only you had some old wound to call upon to make you angry,

but, alas, you're just the perfect woman --

[gasps] The ski trip.

♪ suspenseful music plays ♪

[Donald Trump] I didn't charge a ski trip

to our bullshit children's charity

for you two to not compete.

Last one down the hill has to be a father figure to Eric.

Ivanka wins.

[Ivanka] Yay! I won!

Bad news, Junior -- your punishment

is it'll be your fault when I cheat on your mom -- Junior?

[Don Jr.] Haha! Get it?!

-I've given him a penis! -[man] Awesome!

[Donald Trump] Nice work, champ.

But I won! Daddy!

He's. Not. The. Champ.

I'm. The. Champ!

And the libtards in the mainstream media

refuse to talk about it!

Yes! Now let's get you

somewhere a corn dog counts as a serving of vegetables.

♪ calm music plays ♪

[cellphone dings]

"Chancellor Merkel spent taxpayer dollars

on high-end, designer muted flats"?

[cellphone chimes] "Anonymous source reveals

French President's urine-guzzling fetish"?

[cellphone hums] "Dozens of new Trudeau

blackface photos uncovered"?

There should be only one dozen.

Who would spread such rumors?

[laughter in distance]

"Guzzling" is a funny word.

We've been pranked by the G-A Million.

[laughter]

There's no better feeling

than exerting force over people you barely know,

when they least expect it, for no reason at all.

Donald, you're one of us now. I had this made

from part of a melted-down Armenian Genocide memorial.

Now we'll be bonded forever. You go first.

Okay, just do it on the part of my ass

that's already callused from misuse.

[sizzling]

[screams] My ass fat smells so good!

[clears throat]

Hello, Arizona.

I'm Ivanka Trump.

[woman] Uh, okay. [bored muttering]

And you can pry my liberty out of my cold dead hands.

Oh, and there's only one gender -- men --

and only one holiday -- Jesus Christ-mas.

[crowd cheering raucously]

Whoa, she's really speaking truth to power.

But she's stealing my whole vibe.

But she's doing a killer job at it.

But it's at my expense.

Gah, I hate this and I love this.

♪ triumphant music plays ♪

The doctor says I'll never sit again,

but you can't put a price on camaraderie.

President Trump, it's Chuck Todd.

You better reinstate my press pass,

or else you're bus-- you're brust-- busted.

Donald, what do we do with journalists?

[all cheering] [Todd] Excuse me, gentlemen,

I can't report the news from in here!

What are you going to do with his limbs?

Wait, don't tell me -- I want it to be a surprise.

I'll probably just keep him in the shed.

Ahhh, and set fire to it.

And when the firemen show up, their hoses shoot more fire!

You're twisted, man. Nah.

See, if I do that, people will start yelling at me,

then I won't be able to hear the TV,

then I'll turn up the TV, and then they'll just yell louder.

Next thing I know, I've missed Tucker and Hemmer.

Right, guys?

[Todd] Bill Hemmer's a real class act.

[car horns blaring]

[female narrator] It's "The View" with a fifth cast member

that, by the time you finish saying "Who the F is that?"

she's gone.

Let's jump back in with Ivanka Trump!

And then I realized, it's not my problem

if my patriotism triggers snowflakes.

Excuse me, I'm talking.

As a fellow strong, independent daddy's girlboss,

I must say something about this "new Ivanka."

[audience] Ooooooh!

What you say at those rallies is completely true --

but I would never say so out loud.

Republicans aren't a party of insults and cursing --

Okay, wow, I'm talking! -- We're a party of politeness

and legal discrimination -- I said I'm talking!

I'm disappointed in you,

and I know this is going to sting,

but I think my father would be disappointed in you, too.

[audience] Ooooooh!

[Donald Trump] Now that Chuck Todd is locked in a shed --

the worst thing that can happen to someone --

how 'bout we celebrate with the toughest

tough guy activity there is -- golf.

How can you think about golf

when there's so much work to be done?

Now that you've locked up a journalist,

you have to shut down the free press.

Bribe the courts into changing the constitution,

then prepare to quash the inevitable uprising.

Then fix the election, quash the uprising,

fix the election, quash the -- You get it.

How do you still have time to watch "Fox and Friends"?

Oh, Trumpy. As far as free time,

every morning, I ride my horse at a full sprint

for however long it takes to snap a leg

and that's pretty much it.

-I haven't watched TV in years. -What?!

[crowd] Ivanka! Ivanka! Ivanka!

Don't let them define you. You can be a flag-humping racist

and a working mom,

a disgrace to the Republican party

and a selectively liberal socialite.

Hello, Carson City.

My name is Ivanka Trump, and all I have to say is --

Disappointed...

Disappointed...

My father... father...father...

As a working mom...

[man] Whoa, what the F is this?

Sometimes, it feels like I've been shadow banned

by the lack of paid maternity leave.

[crowd shouting angrily]

No! Wait! Please, let me explain!

This whole stupid act was your idea.

All I ever wanted was for you to manipulate the public

for the sake of my political career.

You know, I hate to say it,

but John McCain actually would be disappointed in you.

[gasps]

You can save money on bullets

if you arm the death squad with machetes.

Sure, sure, but then you have to factor in the physical strain

and carpal tunnel is not a joke.

[all murmur in agreement]

Now can we watch TV, please?

I wish you were this worked up when Chuck Todd barged in.

Yeah. What are you, in love with Chuck Todd?

Get off my back, Dad. I mean --

[laughter] He said Dad! He called me Dad!

-Did you hear it? -Oh, my God.

Donald, you are a big, fat baby.

I'm not fat. My doctor says I'm just full of mystery fluid

like a lava lamp.

Plus, you've never staged a coup.

Never been in the KGB.

And you've never enacted murderous revenge

on insolent journalists like Chuck Todd.

I mean, I want to, but the laws --

Oh, my God, the laws! This guy still has laws!

[laughter]

You know what? You blood-thirsty dictators

are a bunch of jerks!

Sorry, guys, I thought Donald was cool.

My bad.

♪ news theme music plays ♪

We're following reports that several

of the world's most brutal dictators

have defected from the G-A Million

and annexed part of Camp David as their own.

But first, our search for the still-missing Chad Todd

continues. Was it "Chad"?

I can't believe I've resorted to hanging with Boris Johnson.

It's like sitting next to my own umbilical cord.

Here in America, you have Tootsie Rolls,

and Hershey's and Butterfinger, but they're all too sweet.

Yuck. [whacking, laughter]

[Todd] Okay, very funny. What, is that

the world champion Washington Nationals out there? Ha.

I guess I'll always be stuck between G-7 and A Million,

and only a genius can figure out what wacky number that is.

Probably has like an eyeball symbol or something.

[crowd cheering, fart noises]

[laughing]

Wow, you've been such good little supporters.

You deserve a treat.

-Ow! -You rock!

These books are not free.

Venmo me, or it's legally stealing.

[screams]

[fart noises]

[Pompeo] Sorry I've been M-I-A.

I followed what I thought was a monarch butterfly

for 46 miles, but it turned out

to be a Butterfinger wrapper caught in an air stream.

How was the summit? They all left me.

Now I know how the last Sudafed in the pack feels.

Come on, Mr. President.

Let me lead you to an epiphany

like that wrapper led me to outer Harrisburg.

Are you sure about this?

Mr. President, I'm more sure

about this than anything I've ever --

Okay, Jesus! I didn't ask for your life story!

Here we go.

[groans] Do you get it, yet?

No, I think I need to go a little further.

[groans] [gasps] There it is!

I've tapped into that familiar feeling -- power.

I don't like the G-7 or the G-A Million because,

for whatever reason, they refuse to bow

to my every whim. [groans]

Why would I ever want to associate with people like that?

I don't know, Mr. President.

Don't you back-talk me!

You're right. I think I know how to feel powerful again.

[Ivanka] Your stupid book ruined my life!

All I wanted was to introduce Daddy at the 2020 RNC,

inherit the Trump dynasty,

and live for 10,000 years

in a stainless steel orbiting dollhouse!

Clearly, you didn't get to that chapter

where I talked about that ski trip

we went on as kids. Remember that?

I don't know. Sort of.

That morning, after dad backhanded me

for not wearing a suit and tie over my snow pants,

I remember thinking, "Damn it, how can I ever compete

with perfect little Ivanka who never freaks out

when we go through a car wash."

Aah! Oh. I just went back there.

This whole time I've been thinking

"How can I compete with gross,

psychologically unstable Don Jr.?"

Oh, Ivanka, if you hadn't pushed me

to develop the debilitating insecurity

that rules my every moment,

I'd probably still be back in Colorado,

sucking down mugs of hot Natty Lite

after a long day of moose-punching.

And if I wasn't pushed to compete with you

to inherit Daddy's political dynasty,

I'd probably just settle for being a gorgeous mom

to three kids whose names I sometimes confuse

with characters on "Big Little Lies."

We need to compete. We need to compete.

[ring tone plays]

[President Trump] It's the puppet master speaking.

I've decided to start a brand new summit,

and I need you two to speak at the opening ceremony.

Whoever does best will get to introduce me at the RNC.

Okay, compete, compete, compete.

[beep]

[Todd] Who's there? Is it my best friend Lester Holt

and a ragtag brotherhood of bad asses here to bust me out?

I'd like to make a deal. No way.

I'm finally going to say what I really think.

Mr. Trump, you are deeply, deeply rude. Sorry.

I just need one tiny thing from you,

and, in exchange, you'll get an exclusive interview,

softball questions, shared with me beforehand.

Wow, I'll say yes, but what's the tiny thing you need?

[screams]

Nice doing business with you.

♪ Let your hair down ♪

♪ Fake philanthropy ♪

Anytime beard!

♪ Hide your politics ♪

♪ Behind your performative feminist identity ♪

♪ I'm back to Ivanka! ♪

♪ Oh, I'm back to Ivanka! ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Oh, I'm back to Ivanka Trump! ♪

I think you guys are trained now.

[cheers and applause]

What's up, Camp David? Hello, kweens!

My dad know... My daddy knows...

...that safe spaces are... ...that the lack of...

-...are destroying this country. -...is destroying this country.

-And we need less so-called... -And we need more nursing rooms.

...political correctness. [coughs]

Too much real beard hair fumes.

And...[coughs]

Also close to his heart is equal pay for equal work.

Also close to his heart is the right to bring your...

He said that the other day when

I was playing with LEGO blocks in the Oval Office.

Jesus Ass! The fumes are killing me.

And now, without further adieu,

President Donald J. Trump.

[applause]

Someone just won themselves an RNC introduction spot.

Unless I change my mind later.

I really wanted that spot.

What the ass?!

But, like Ivanka, if you need

a running mate in 2024, I can be hella deferential.

But I live to scorn you!

But seriously, I will win you the hepatitis vote.

Shut up. Earlier today,

when I took Chuck Todd's finger --

Exclusive interview airing Thursday

at 4:00 A.M. Central.

...I thought I needed it to prove

I could run with the big dogs of the G-A Million,

but now I realize that they aren't the big dog.

I'm the big dog because my children will stop

at nothing to win my approval.

We love you, Dad!

Not now, vagrant.

I'm therefore announcing a brand-new summit

for the only people who really matter.

The G-Me. It's just me.

Oh, and my two kids.

And because I got nothing to prove to the dictators,

I don't need this anymore.

[grunts]

I guess I will be wearing my

middle school graduation ring on my other hand.

At least I got my interview.

And the interview's off.

I'd speak up, but you gotta respect the office.

[applause]

Oh! Ivanka, light of my life, hollow of my cheeks,

you were amazing up there!

Oh, Jared, I was angry at you before, but now?

You're complimenting me.

I am so sorry about earlier.

John McCain would be really proud of you.

Oh, Jared,

That's the most romantic thing you've

ever said to me!

Hey, Trumpy, you know, uh, that was pretty cool

what you did with that journalist's finger.

You know, if you aren't doing anything later --

Oh, sorry, Putin, but my brain just showed me

a picture of cheesy popcorn and told me to stop listening.

Excuse me. I've got a G-Me summit to attend.

Jared, get out of my seat!

I want to sit next to Ivanka so I can bother her!

I-I got plans anyway. I promised MBS

I'd go with him to check out

the new line of bone saws.

Two peas in a pod, you two.

Let's go!

Just remembered I've never driven before.

Wheeee! [crash]

['80s-style pop music plays]

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump ♪

♪ He is our president ♪

♪ We made him president ♪

♪ We did it ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Trump!