Original subtitles

JANE: Well, this is how New York looks

when you see it in the movies and on picture postcards.

And this is how it looked to me, Jane Stacey,

when I first came here from Connecticut.

But New York's a great town. It's got Park Avenue.

Lovely, isn't it?

Ah, I wish I lived there, but I don't.

I live in Mrs. O'Reilly's Boarding House

at 185 West 73rd Street, Apartment 3B,

next to a charming delicatessen.

But I still love New York, because it's full of unusual sights,

and the most unusual sight in town is my friend Irma.

See if you can pick her out.

Having a little trouble? Then let me help you spot her.

You see that street over there that's being torn up?

And that sign that says, "Men at work, beware"?

You notice how all the normal people are walking around that hole?

Well, in a few minutes, you will be able to pick out

my roommate, Irma Peterson. Watch.

[THUDS]

[PEOPLE CLAMORING]

Yes, you've probably guessed it.

That's my friend Irma.

♪ My friend Irma says "Bird dogs are a lie

♪ "I bought a pup and he grew up

♪ "But he never learned to fly"

♪ My friend Irma says "A meatball is a dance

♪ "Where the lonesome butchers go

♪ "When looking for romance"

♪ She bought a clock last summer

♪ But now her wall is blank

♪ She heard of daylight saving time

♪ And took it right to the bank

♪ My friend Irma lives in a world apart

♪ But men prefer their dates with her

♪ She makes them feel so smart

♪ Maybe my friend Irma

♪ Is not so very dumb at heart ♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Good morning, Janie. Mrs. O'Reilly, I know why you're here.

You want the rent. You always want the rent.

You love Irma and me like your own daughters, but business is business

and we're two months late already, right?

But please don't tamper with me this morning

because I haven't had my coffee yet

and I can't find the coffee pot. Coffee pot?

And don't tell me only an idiot would put it in the piano

because this is Irma's week to keep house

and I've got to figure out where an idiot would put it.

She was playing the radio.

Ha! Now, Janie, let's...

Quiet, Mrs. O'Reilly. I'm on the trail.

A-ha.

Butter, stove. Coffee pot must be here.

You see? It all figures.

Shall I look in the bathtub for the bread?

JANE: O'Reilly, you slay me.

And now, while the coffee's perking,

I'm gonna tell you a piece of good news

that will really knock you right off your feet.

Janie, you got a chance for a good job?

The best job any girl ever got.

But if I stand around here talking all morning, I'll blow the whole thing.

So, look, be a dear and get my clothes out of the clothes closet

while I take a shower, will you?

What dress do you want to wear?

Mmm, I think I'll try the nonchalant approach.

My brown dress with the imitation-but-looks like-real alligator belt,

bag and shoes. All right, Janie.

Janie? Would you come here for a minute? What is it?

It looks like Irma's been doing a little housecleaning.

Well, wonder of wonders.

She even had the sense to take the clothes out first.

Yes, where do you suppose she put them?

Why, she probably...

Oh, no! Oh, mother! Oh, murder!

Oh!

[PHONE RINGING]

I'll answer it, Mrs. O'Reilly.

My feet are wet, and I want to be sure I'll be electrocuted.

Yes?

Hello, this is Irma Peterson talking.

To whom have I the pleasure of speaking to?

You have the pleasure of speaking to Jane, Irma.

Oh, Jane, darling, I called you because I wanted to tell you

to be sure not take a shower.

And why shouldn't I take a shower

and be clean like all other normal people?

[GIGGLES] Well, you see, I painted the clothes closet,

and I hung all the clothes in the shower.

Irma, when you come home tonight

would you bring a piece of good, strong rope with you?

Because there's something else I want to hang in the shower with the clothes.

Really, Jane? What?

You. Irma Peterson, how could you be so stupid?

Irma?[PRESSES DIALPAD] Irma, are you listening to me?

Sorry, your three minutes are up.

Al?

Al, Jane's mad at me because...

Quiet, Chicken.

I'm in the midst of one of my biggest deals.

I'm sorry.

Hello, Joe? Al. Got a problem.

Got all my dough riding on Long Beach Sal in the fourth race.

What's the good word?

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Mmm-hmm.

Joe, you mean I lost my dough?

But you said it was a sure thing.

You told me the horse was wired and you had the battery fixed.

What happened? What?

The horse won, but the jockey got electrocuted?

Murder. So long, Joe.

What's wrong, Al, honey? Black Friday.

All my deals backfiring.

If I didn't have such ambition, who knows where I'd be?

Here's your lunch, Al. Thanks, Chicken.

What are you doing back here again? You just got your check this morning.

This is an emergency. Bill, could I have an advance?

Promise you will not get another job for a week.

It's against the rules, Al.Fine thing.

Been coming here four years steady

and can't build up a credit rating.

Nothing I can do about it.

Beginning to lose my faith in my fellow man.

Well, maybe if you got a job...

Please, Chicken, watch your language.

Only a question of time before one of my deals comes through.

I'm working on one now. Can't miss.

What is it, Al?

Ripcords.

Got a chance to corner the ripcord market

and sell them to pajama manufacturers.

It's a natural. You wake up in the morning,

bale out of your pajamas. You like it?

Oh, it sounds wonderful, Al, but gosh,

I'm getting a little discouraged.

Discouraged? Why?

Well, we've been engaged for five years

and we're not getting any closer to that day

when we carry each other across the threshold.

Gee, Al, I'm not getting any younger, and, after all,

when I get married and have children,

I don't want them to be older than I am.

Look, Chicken, I think you're being very impatient.

Al, but... Please.

Every morning when you go to work, you take the bus, right?

You wait 15 minutes for that bus, right? Right.

Fifteen minutes a day, twice a day, six times a week,

30 times a month, 12 times a year.

Do you realize how much of your life

is spent waiting for that crummy bus?

What about it, Al? Well, I'm your fiance.

I think I deserve the same consideration as a bus.

Oh, Al, I'm sorry I questioned you.

When you explain, it all seems so right.

Sure. It's that Jane who's poisoning your mind against me.

Oh, well, you know Jane. She wants to marry a man with money.

But I don't think money is important.

Look, I have you, and you have me, and we both have nothing.

Come on, we'll buy you a drink.

What'll it be? One large one.

Chicken, you want one?

Oh, yes, please, Al.

A large one for the lady, small one for me. Want to lose weight.

Got you. What'd you like to have, the California type or the Florida type?

Well, I'd like to have half of each.

You see, I've always wanted to travel.

Please, Chicken.

Just a minute.

Seymour, California needs a transfusion. Huh?

What are you doing back there, sleeping?

Sleeping? Are you kidding?

I'm standing back here like a horse working like a dog.

There are customers out here.

So what? I'm not on a commission basis.

Now, wait a minute. Don't be a big man with me, Steve.

I'm standing back here in this black hole taking all the abuse

while you're out there like a big man, with a view yet.

Excuse me. A little help problem.

What's the matter with you? I asked you to squeeze a few oranges

and you blow your top. Blow my top?

I got an occupational disease.

That cheap boss,

why don't he put in electric squeezers?

Look what's happening to me. So?

So is this something for a young boy to go through life with, yet?

Oh, don't exaggerate. Exaggerating?

Do you realize it's very difficult to dance with a girl,

light a cigarette and shave with a hand like this?

Oh, stop bellyaching. You'll get onto the job once you get into it.

That's just the trouble.

I hate the job!

You've hated every job we've ever had.

Certainly, because I listen to you.

The last job you made me take, a flapjack flipper.

It took me six months to get rid of a swivel wrist.

Let me ask you one thing.

Why do you always have to pick on jobs that deform me?

Cheeta, listen. Where do you begin?

I'm in there somewhere.

Oh, squeeze the oranges before we get fired.

All right, I'll do it.

But you be careful how you talk to me.

Remember, I haven't been too well.

Oh, you're just a hypochondriac.

[GASPS]

What's the matter with you? You said a dirty word!

Now, look here, Seymour...

The least you could do is show me some sympathy, Steve.

When you were sick, I was very considerate.

Remember when the doctor gave you only 30 days to live?

Yes. Didn't I go out and get you a calendar?

Look, I don't want to argue with you.

We're making $35 a week and it's steady. We'll keep it that way.

You squeeze the oranges back here, and I'll sell them out there, okay?

Okay.

♪ Here's to love Here's to love

♪ Here's to all that love can stand for

♪ It's a wishful wonderland for just you

♪ Here's to love Love that love

[HUMMING]

♪ That without it It's true

♪ It's the feeling lovers swear by

♪ Better look out below

[HUMMING]

♪ Whereby Hate to see you go

♪ And lately I kind of sigh

♪ As I see you rolling by

♪ Yes, it's love that's growing

♪ Yes, it's love It's showing

♪ Here's to love

♪ Here's to life with you ♪

Gee, you have a wonderful voice.

Are you kidding? Friend, did you ever sing professionally?

Yeah, I'm a great big opera singer.

I squeeze oranges for a hobby.

Want to hear something from an opera?

Oh, yes, will you sing, um,

Laugh, Clown, Laugh from the opera Parcheesi?

Please, Chicken. I like his voice, Al.

I like it, too, but no one else does.

Everybody should.

If Irma likes you, you're in.

Because Irma is the average public.

She's got the common touch.

Common? Oh, Al.

[SOBBING]

Touchy dame. What's the matter with her?

She's nuts about me. But it bothers me. Why?

Don't know if she loves me or my money.

That's one thing I don't have to worry about.

Nobody's killing themselves over a $35-a-week orange juice salesman.

Why must you be one? What do you mean?

Don't like to waste words, friend, so I'll get right to the point.

My boy, this is the luckiest day of your life.

Are you in show business? Indirectly, son.

For the past five years, I'm what is technically known as retired.

Collect an annuity every week. Every week?

Like clockwork. So, naturally, with all this time on my hands,

I have developed a hobby. Well, what's that?

Developing talent, and helping them to the top.

Friend, under my auspices, there is no telling where you can go.

Why, I can have people standing in line to hear your golden voice.

I doubt it. Friend, believe me,

when it comes to standing in line, I am an authority.

Now, time is money.

I'm a busy man, so we'll not haggle.

We'll offer you, with the regular manager-artist contract, the usual 10%.

Sounds fair. And when you get better, you'll get 15%.

I get 15%? Slip of the tongue. I get 15%.

See, you know your business, son. What do you say?

It's not as simple as all that. I have a partner.

I'd like to consult him. Well...

I heard the whole thing. We accept.

Oh, Seymour, this is Mr... Just call me Al.

Yeah. Al, this is my partner, Seymour.

Glad to know you.

See how embarrassing it gets?

It's an occupational disease.

Yeah. Well, boys, what do you say?

Sounds all right.

What have we got to lose? Let's go.

Jane?

Yes?

Are you mad at me? No.

Are you sad at me? No, no.

Then why don't you look at me?

Because they have capital punishment in New York,

and I don't think I can beat the rap.

[SOBBING]

Oh, sweetie, don't cry. You can't help it.

It's just that nature gave some girls talent and brains

and, with you, it slipped you a mickey.

[SNIFFLES]

I try so hard to please.

I know you do, sweetie, and I hate

to keep jumping all over you all the time,

but why, out of 365 days of the year,

did you have to pick this day to ruin me?

Oh, how did I ruin you? And why is today so important?

Because today I was to be interviewed

for the job as private secretary

to Richard Rhinelander III,

head of the Rhinelander Investment Company.

So what? "So what?"

Haven't you ever read in the papers

where a poor secretary marries her wealthy boss?

Why couldn't I be Mrs. Richard Rhinelander III?

The third? What good is that if he has two other wives?

Oh, please, honey.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello? Yes, Alice.

Yes, I know I'm late for my interview,

but, you see, there's been an accident

and I haven't got a thing to wear.

Wait a minute, I'll be right down.

I know where I can get some clothes.[HANGS UP]

Oh, no, Jane. No. No, you can't do that.

No! Oh, no!

[SCREAMS] Jane, no!

Hey, I'm gonna like this neighborhood.

We just lose our job. We ain't got no place to live.

We ain't got from what to eat. And already you're thinking of luxuries yet.

Steve, you sure this is the right place?

Certainly, this is the right place. What are you so suspicious about?

I don't know. I think that guy's a phony.

He didn't get them shifty eyes from watching tennis matches.

Oh, forget it. Every big shot has a hideaway

where he can have a little privacy and this is probably Al's.

[HUMMING]

[GROANS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Just a minute.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yes?

This is an office?

Oh, hello. Al will be here in just a minute.

Please, come in, gentlemen.

Just make yourselves at home.

I'll get into something more comfortable.

Oh, dear.

[BLOWING AIR]

Hey, Steve?

Hey, Steve, I come from a very good family,

and I want to know just one thing. Who's got the opium concession here?

I'll be back in just a minute.

Hi, Alice. I'm sorry I'm late...

You're too late. He's hired someone else.

Oh, no, he can't do that.

[BUZZING] Wait for me.

I'll take it.

Who are you?

I'm Jane Stacey, your new secretary.

Oh, but I've already hired someone else.

Mr. Rhinelander, I don't want you to think that I'm bold

and you certainly have a right to hire anyone you like,

but I just want you to know that I've wanted this job

more than anything I've ever wanted before in my life.

Would you mind explaining what you're talking about?

Well, for two years, I made friends with Alice, your secretary,

and she promised me that if she ever left,

she'd recommend me for the job.

I took her to lunch almost every day.

Mr. Rhinelander, I've got a $65 investment in you.

Well, why did you go to all this trouble?

Because I'd be perfect for you.

I mean, I'd be a perfect secretary.

I know everything there is to know about you.

For instance on Mondays, you go to the Plaza.

On Tuesdays, you go to the 21 Club for lunch.

On Wednesdays, you have dinner at your mother's house on Long Island.

On Thursdays, you play poker at your penthouse on Park Avenue.

On Fridays, you go to the Athletic Club and the Stork Club in the evening.

On Saturdays, you play golf.

On Sundays, you go horseback riding in the early morning

if you don't have a hangover from Saturday night.

And if you do, you go to Jim's Steam Room for a massage.

Amazing. No, it's just research.

But really, Miss Stacey, people just don't do this...

I'm sorry. I hope you'll forgive me.

I'll go now. Uh, Miss Stacey?

Yes?

[CHUCKLES] Take a letter.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: And now, for the jackpot question.

What is the name of the song and who's singing it?

Remember, if you guess it, you get merchandise worth $50,000.

Are you standing by your radio? Yes.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Chicken, turn off the radio.

I'm trying to decide what to do about Steve's future.

Got a big problem with the boys, and you're playing the radio.

Telling you, you and them contests driving me crazy.

Oh, please, Al.

MAN: And now, folks, here's your first clue to the song.

Bring my daughter a glass of water.

Daughter, daughter, that's someone's child.

Water is liquid.

Oh, it must be Ol' Man River.

Chicken, believe me, you've got no chance to win this contest.

Why not? For one thing,

all contest winners live in one of two places,

Butte, Montana or Keokuk, Iowa.

I'll move. Ain't worth it.

And the only other way you can win a contest

is if you have a husband who isn't working

and you are the mother of 32 children.

Thirty-two children?

[GASPS] Al, maybe...

Chicken, that contest is over in two weeks. Be practical.

[DOORBELL RINGING] Oh, Al.

[CLEARS THROAT]

They're playing Ol' Man River?

Chicken, it's the doorbell.

Get it, please. I am busy thinking.

Irma, will you hurry?

It's Jane.

Oh, Al, what about... Say nothing. Nothing.

Ooh.

Honey, why does it take you so long to answer...

Oh, no wonder. Well, the least you can do is help me.

Okay, Jane.

Irma, I've got the job, and that Richard Rhinelander's a dream.

So good-looking and so wealthy.

That's what can come from work.

Chicken, she's starting on me again.

Now, Jane, you give Al a chance.

After all, he's really a live wire.

Yeah, and it's only a question of time

before somebody puts a chair under him.

With talk like that, I'm beginning to think I'm not wanted for dinner.

Al, you can get a job as a mind reader,

because tonight I want to be alone.

Jane, got some plans I want to talk to you about.

I'm not interested in you and your plans. I just want to be alone.

Jane, guarantee you... Besides, I want to be fresh and rested

for my job tomorrow. But Jane.

Look, why don't you take Irma out to dinner and the movies for a change?

Break down, spend a nickel.

But... But my deal.

You and your deals.

I don't want to hear anymore about 'em.

Everything you've ever come up with has been phony.

Oh, I wouldn't say that. [GASPS]

What in the world is going on in here?

I don't know, lady. I'm just taking a shower.

[SCREAMS]

[HUFFING]

All right, let's have an explanation,

and you'd better make it good.

Will explain everything, Jane.

Steve, that kid in there, the good-looking one...

Does that give him a right to be in my bedroom?

Yes, but... I'm trying to tell you, Jane,

he's my new find. The guy sings like a bird.

And given 24 hours with me as his manager, he's going to go places.

Yes, he's going to go places, and you're going to follow him.

And as for that monstrosity in the bathroom,

if he isn't out of here in two seconds flat, I'll call the police.

I heard everything you said, lady,

and if I ain't welcome here, I'm leaving.

[DOOR CLOSES] Look, Jane, be reasonable.

All I'm asking is that we accommodate the boys here on the couch.

There's room for both of them. Just for tonight.

They go, and you go.

Oh, please, Jane, for my sake?

For your sake? Oh, this'll mean so much to Al and me.

To you? Yes, Al has given me his word

that if he makes a success with Steve,

he'll be able to quit the unemployment line and marry me.

Oh, Jane, I don't want to be an old maid.

What do you say, Jane? Just for one night?

If you'll do this for me,

I'll make you best man at my wedding.

All right, you two, come out.

We've met but not formally. I'm Steve Laird.

Gentlemen, you may consider this living room

the YMCA for one night.

Oh, Jane. But I have news for you.

The YMCA doesn't serve meals, and neither do I.

Who's worried about meals? You are all my guests tonight.

Your guests?

Yes, we are leaving for the Gypsy Tea Room for dinner, immediately.

Give this to me slowly, Al. Who's paying for all this?

We'll thank you not to embarrass me.

Everything is taken care of.

Please, Jane, come with us.

All right. I'll go.

But I've got the same feeling Marie-Antoinette must've had

when she took that chariot ride.

[CHUCKLES] Chariot ride.

Hey, can I have my pants?

My little pigeons. Who's a pigeon?

It's only me, Professor Kropotkin.

Oh, hello, Professor. Hi, Professor.

Oh, Janie and Irma, my two little proud beauties.

One with her head in the air,

and the other with air in her head.

[CHUCKLES] Why, Professor.

Excuse me, girls, just a little joke I picked up.

Well, Professor, as long as we're going to have dinner here,

what do you advise?

I advise that you eat across the street.

Across the street? The boss.

What's going on out here, Kropotkin?

Mr. Ubang, these are all friends of mine

who was going to eat across the street,

but I said, instead, they shall eat here

because we have the best food in town.

Very good, Kropotkin. But I'll take care of the customers

and you go back there and take care of your fiddle.

Okay. Step right this way, folks.

I'll take you to your table,

and you can order the best food in town.

Seymour, would you care to dance?

Oh, I'd love to dance with you, Irma,

but I'm gonna have to take short steps.

I don't wanna be too far from the table when the food comes.

You see, I haven't been too well.

What's the matter, don't you believe in fortunes?

No, I believe you make your own life,

and you only get what you plan for.

Not me. I like to take it as it comes,

then if you're surprised, you're on velvet.

What does it say? I'm on velvet.

It says, "You are placing your confidence

"in someone who will enrich you."

Must mean Al.

Yes, Al's a pretty good confidence man.

Well, what have I got to lose?

Now what's yours say?

"Tomorrow is a day of great consequence,

"a milestone on your path to happiness."

It must be a stale cookie. It should read, "Today."

Today? Well, we met today.

No, no, it's tomorrow,

because tomorrow I start a new job and everything.

I told you these things were uncanny.

You think Irma would mind if we eavesdropped a little?

No. What does it say?

"You are brilliant, and your intellect

"is the envy of all your friends."

[CHUCKLES]

After that, it's a cinch. Seymour's is a blank.

Yes.

And that's how Steve and I became pals.

But he's too easy-going. He's not like me.

If somebody does something I consider an offense,

I don't take it. I fight back. I revolt.

Oh, Seymour, that's a sign of character,

and I admire you for it.

I like men who are offensive and revolting.

[CHUCKLES]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SPUTTERING]

It's getting worse all the time.

All right, make your announcement.

[TAPPING]

Ladies and gentlemen...

The Gypsy Tea Room is proud to present its floor show.

They have a floor show here? Yeah.

Who's in the show? Well, uh...

The Gypsy Tea Room is proud to present

a man who has been acclaimed a singer,

Steve Laird.

[APPLAUSE] What's this?

Do not quibble, son, you're on.

Oh, not here.

Look, son, I am your manager. Never question my judgment.

First rule of show business.

Mmm-hmm. Two and two are beginning to make four.

You'd better sing, Steve. Otherwise, it's the dishes.

I ain't gonna wash no dishes.

I got a dishpan hand already and it hurts.

Oh, they don't mean you. You can't sing.

I can't wash dishes, either.

Just sit there. Lots of luck.

[APPLAUSE]

Anything in particular?

No. Here, let's try this one.

E flat. Okay, fine.

[VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ If your dreams knew me longer

♪ And your arms knew me more

♪ Then this plea might be stronger

♪ Be a blessing, not a bore

♪ So why not try my love

♪ And see what goes

♪ You might find you like it

♪ Who knows? Who knows?

♪ Love me, love me

♪ Say you love me

♪ Just for fun

♪ Softly sigh it

♪ Try it, try it

♪ Just for fun

♪ If you're close to me

♪ Maybe you'll agree

♪ Here at hand's that magic land

♪ We're seeking constantly

♪ Tingle, tingle

♪ When we mingle

♪ Just for fun

♪ Let's pretend we'll never end

♪ What we've begun

♪ For if we play at love

♪ We may stay in love

♪ Then you'll be glad you tried it

♪ Just for fun ♪

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you. Thank you.

Here, try this one. Okay.

Now, what are you doing out here?

The boss told me to come out and do something, or I do, do the dishes

so I came out, already. I'm not through singing yet.

Well, don't get mad, Steve. I just came out. I thought I'd work.

Thought you'd what?

Woik. W-O-I-K, woik. Oh, that's ridiculous.

Now go back to the table until I'm through singing.

All right, if you're gonna keep on singing, would you do me a personal favor

and sing the song you sing with the chore?

Chore?

Yeah, you know, when the fellows in the band all stand up together,

they sing with you. "Ah..."

C-H-O-I-R is choir.

I didn't know you said it like that.

But I'd like you to do the number anyway.

If you would do the number with the chore, I'd appreciate it?

You would what?

I said if you would do the number, I'd appreciate it?

Why do you leave the last word up in the air?

It's the end of a sentence. There's a period there. You don't need it anymore.

You would say, "I'm going to the corner."

Not, "I'm going to the corner?"

Who talks like this?

You talk the way you want. I talk that way because listen.

Could I have that phrase just once more?

I said, if you would do the number, I'd appreciate it?

What, are you asking me, or are you telling me?

I'm wondering. Oh, you're wondering.

Now, if you want to do the number, okay,

and if you don't want to do it, oh...

All right, if you do me a favor,

you and I will become friends.

I gotta do you a favor first? That's right.

And if I do it, we won't argue? Never again.

You swear? Swear.

Scout's honor? Scout's honor.

Take two giant steps. Go back, you didn't say, "May I?" [LAUGHS]

I'm all right now. All right.

Now here's the favor I want you to do.

What is it? Go like this. [CLICKS TONGUE]

Maybe I didn't hear you correctly. What is that?

[CLICKS TONGUE] Keep doing it. Repeat it. Go ahead.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

♪ There's a song in the air

♪ But the fair senorita really doesn't care

♪ For that song in the air

♪ So I'll sing to the mule

♪ If you're sure she won't think

♪ That I am just a fool

♪ Serenading a mule

♪ And try as she may

♪ In her voice is a flaw

♪ All that the lady can say

♪ Is...

[CARRYING NOTE]

[SCAT SINGING]

♪ You're the one for me Hey! ♪

[APPLAUSE]

♪ Love me, love me

♪ Say you love me

♪ Just for fun ♪

What was the idea of that?

Well, after all, they're practically strangers.

Jane, why don't you come to bed?

You said you wanted to get in early

so you'd make a nice impression on Richard.

JANE: Yes, I know I did, sweetie,

but I'm just not tired, that's all.

My, it's warm in here.

Ha, a little while ago, you said it was cold.

[CHUCKLES] Yes, I know.

Funny how the temperature jumps up and down

when there's a man around. [GIGGLES]

Oh, Irma, don't be ridiculous.

[INHALES]

[GASPS]

Interesting view, isn't it? It's the one I like.

Park Avenue? Uh-huh.

It's pretty far, Jane. It's not too far for me.

A lot of them try, but just a few of them make it.

Well, I think I've found a shortcut, through Wall Street.

Well, do you think the trip is worth it?

For me, it is, because I've got to have it.

Why?

Because I'm a little tired of my life, Steve.

I'm tired of getting up at 7:00 in the morning,

sharing the subway with the rest of the sardines,

pounding a typewriter all day just so I can look forward

to a scintillating night at Coney Island.

That doesn't sound too bad.

It sounds like a pretty average life.

That's just it. I hate being average.

All my life, I've been average.

I came from an average family.

My father was a druggist, never quite a doctor.

There's a difference.

Now that I've grown up, I don't wear the cheapest clothes,

but I can never afford an original.

I don't starve, but I don't drink champagne.

I'm just some place hanging in the middle.

Oh, sure, it's an average life,

but I'm sick and tired of being average.

Well, with me, it's different. Just living is a kick.

I'm just as average as...

I mean, I'm a pretty ambitious guy,

but what's the use of living if you have to kill yourself to live?

Well, I think I've found an easier way.

Rhinelander. Maybe.

The thing that gets me all mixed up

is how I could have figured you out all wrong.

How do you mean?

Well, tonight, when I was singing at the Gypsy Tea Room,

I looked over at you, and I had a feeling that...

I guess I was wrong.

But thanks for straightening me out.

STEVE: ♪ Love me, love me Say you love me

[STEVE HUMMING]

[CONTINUES HUMMING] ♪ Try it, try it

♪ La-da-da-dee

♪ You're so close to me

[STEVE HUMMING]

♪ La-da-dee La-da-dee

♪ Maybe you'll agree

♪ Tingle, tingle

♪ Just for fun

♪ Let's pretend we'll never end

♪ What we've begun

[HUMMING]

♪ We may stay in love

♪ Then you'll be glad you tried it

♪ Just for fun ♪ Steve?

Yes?

Stop singing, will you? Why?

Just stop. That's all.

STEVE: Okay, it's your house.[SIGHS]

Jane, you like him, don't you?

I'm not interested in what I like.

I'm interested in what's good for me.

Good night, honey.

I'm a fool.

I should have said, "Forget Park Avenue and Richard Rhinelander."

I should have said, "You're my kind of girl."

Then I should have taken her in my arms

and said, "Love is the important thing."

Then I should have said... So say it, already,

kiss me, and we'll all get some sleep.

"Mail in the middle. Letters on the left."

"Pipe."

[SNIFFS]

"Likes tobacco kept moist."

That ought to do it. RICHARD: It certainly should.

Oh! Mr. Rhinelander.

Do you know I keep tobacco in there? Not goldfish.

But it says... I mean...

Do you mind if I see what it says?

"Tips from Alice."

I'll go now. No, no, please stay.

"Shy while dictating."

Shy while dictating?

"Smokes pipe after luncheon. [CLEARS THROAT]

"Monday, directors' meeting." Hmm.

I'm sorry, I was just trying to be efficient.

Really? Now that my life's an open book, let's examine yours.

Now, let's see. Name?

Jane Stacey, correct? Correct.

Age? Just leave a question mark.

Question mark?

Now, then, you live at the Barbizon Home for Women, right?

Wrong. I have a charming apartment on West 73rd Street.

Oh, I see.

Well, you live alone with a mother who adores you?

No, I live with a roommate named Irma, who...

Who is a secretary like yourself, correct?

No, Irma's a novelist.

Well, you see, I'm no good at biography.

Maybe I'll get your friend, the novelist, to write it some day.

Well, I'm afraid she wouldn't have time,

because, you see, besides her novel,

she's also engaged to be married

to a very nice young fellow. [CHUCKLES]

What does he do?

Er, he works for the government. He's a collector.

I see. Well, now let's get back to my life.

Excuse me.

Tuesday night, you have dinner at the Stork Club.

Mmm-hmm. But with whom? With Dorothy Danbury.

Oh, yes.

Miss Stacey, do you like the Stork Club?

I've never been there, Mr. Rhinelander.

Well, good, then it's about time you went.

How would you like to go with me tonight?

Who, me? Yes, you. Why not?

Unless you don't care. Oh, but I do.

I... I'd love to.

Good. Then it's Stork Club tonight.

Oh, yes. Yes, sir.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: If you can identify the name of the song

and who's singing it.

And so, don't forget to listen tonight

when some lucky person will win

$50,000 worth of merchandise. I won't.

Remember, tonight, over the same station,

it's your Lucky Jackpot Program

with the grand prize of $50,000 worth of merchandise,

so be sure you're home...

"Irma, stay home tonight." Because we may call you.

"They may call me."

[BUZZING]

[BUZZING CONTINUES]

[BUZZING CONTINUES] [SIGHS]

Miss Peterson, didn't you hear that buzzer?

I wasn't sure. There was an airplane overhead, and...

Is something wrong?

No. No, there's nothing wrong. Everything's lovely.

But will you please tell me where that letter to the Goodrich Company is?

It's very simple. I filed it where it belongs, under "R."

Goodrich under "R"? That's right.

Good and rich means well-off,

and who do you know that's well-off?

Rockefeller. That's right.

So I filed it under "R."

Oh, I should have fired you months ago, but I can't.

It would take me years to find out where you keep things.

Where's your shorthand book? I didn't bring it.

You didn't? And why not?

I didn't know you wanted to give me dictation.

Of course not. I'm just lonely.

I invited you in here because I want to dance.

All right, Mr. Clyde. Oh!

Will you get that shorthand book before I go crazy?

Yes, Mr. Clyde. I don't know why you get upset so easily.

[TUTS]

Silly man, gets himself upset for no reason at all.

Let's see. Where could I have put that notebook?

Gee, I must finish that some day.

No, uh, let's see now. I took a letter on Monday.

Oh, it rained Tuesday. That's it.

Hiya, Chicken. Oh, hello, Al, honey.

Got terrific news for you.

Got Steve booked to sing at Coney Island tonight.

Oh, Al, that's wonderful. Not only that,

but have opened a little office, and the boys are living with me.

Oh, Chicken, I'm really rolling now.

Oh, Al, I always knew you'd succeed.

I just can't wait to hear all the wonderful things people say

about you after you're dead. Thanks, Chicken.

Now, since the kid will be a little nervous tonight,

and since he seems to be stuck on Jane,

we'll naturally make things smoother all around

if Jane was to show up with you at Coney Island tonight.

Well, that's a cinch. Jane has no place to go.

Just pick us up at 8:00. Great.

Hey!

How about a little kiss for good luck? Oh, sure, Al.

Miss Peterson, do you mind if I interrupt?

Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't kiss anybody but Al.

Oh. [BODY THUDS]

[KICKING]

Mr. Clyde, why are you lying there, kicking your feet?

Irma, honey, I've got the most wonderful news.

Oh, Jane, I laid out all your things,

because the boys will be here any minute

to pick us up, and we don't want to be late.

Late for what? Oh, Al's gotten Steve a tryout

at Coney Island, and we're going out there to root for him.

Coney Island? Are you kidding?

Take a look at this. Oh.

Three weeks' salary.

And where do you think your little roommate,

Jane Stacey, is going tonight?

Well, to the Stork Club, dancing to the smooth rhythms

of Xavier Cugat and his orchestra.

And guess with whom? Xavier Cugat?

No, honey, with no one else but my boss, Richard Rhinelander.

Oh, Irma, he's falling for me like a ton of bricks.

Oh, Jane, Steve will be so disappointed.

Al told him you were coming, now you're scaring like a Welsh rabbit.

I know you understand, honey. Now, look, I've got to hurry

because I told him I'd meet him at the Plaza Bar at 7:30.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hi, Al. Well, kids, let's not stand around.

Let's get on the ball. Tonight's the night.

Come on, Jane, how's about getting dressed?

Time is money. Have rented the boys' tuxedos on an hourly basis.

Don't want to stand around and eat up the profits.

Jane's not going with us, Al. She's going to the Stork Club.

Oh, the boss came through already, huh?

Yes, I am going out with Mr. Rhinelander. Do you mind?

I think a girl can go where she wants to without everybody inquiring

into her business and staring at her as though she were a criminal!

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

I'm hungry.

Look, boys...

You better get down there and go over your music.

Chicken and I will be there in time for the show.

Oh, you fellows got cab fare?

No. Here.

Here are the directions how to get there.

Al...

Al, if you say one thing about Jane, I'll...

[VOICE BREAKING] I'll...

She's none of the things you're thinking.

I wouldn't trust that dame any more

than I would my own personal check.

How could she do this?

Demoralizing my star on his opening night.

She'll hear you. I do not...

[SOFTY] Care if she does.

But, Al, Jane's ambitious.

And this is a great opportunity for her.

After all, how often

does a girl meet a millionaire with money?

A millionaire with money?

Chicken, you really think

Jane has a chance with that Rhinelander guy?

Of course.

Might have a thought there, Chicken.

Uh-huh.

If Jane could land this guy,

we, as her first dependents,

must benefit.

We might cook up a little deal.

But only if it's legitimate, and he knows about it.

Well, naturally, Chicken, naturally.

Got a new angle.

If I could talk to the guy for about five minutes...

Tell me, what time does the sucker...

Uh, Richard arrive here?

Oh, he isn't coming here.

Uh, Jane's meeting him at the Plaza Bar at 7:30.

Meeting a man at a bar?

She's gonna ruin everything.

What do you mean, Al?

Will explain.

Chicken, do you think of Jane as a sister?

Oh, many times.

Good. Then that makes her my sister-in-law.

Ain't gonna have anybody in my family

runnin' around like that.

Must get to a phone.

But we have a phone.

Shh. The Professor.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hello?

Want to talk to Mr. Rhinelander, please.

Okay, Chicken, get on the phone.

But I don't know what to say.

Just say you're calling for Ms. Jane Stacey.

She's been delayed, she's only half-dressed,

and it would take a load off her mind

if you would pick her up at her house

instead of at the bar. Got it?

Got it word for word.

Hello.

Just to play it safe, let me have it back.

Uh, she would like you to pick her up here

because she's half-dressed, half-loaded

and would be a very easy pickup.

Hold it, Chicken. Forget what I said.

Just invite the guy straight.

RICHARD: Yes? Hello.

Uh, Ms. Jane Stacey asked me to give you a message.

She wants you to pick her up at her apartment

at 185 73rd Street, at 7:00.

Oh, all right. All right, I'll be there.

Goodbye. [LINE DISCONNECTS]

Oh, he's coming, Al. Great, Chicken.

Now, got anything to drink at your place?

We have milk. Milk!

Chicken, this guy's a multimillionaire,

a blue blood. He's used to the best.

I'll go out and get a couple of bottles of beer.

Chicken, stop clownin' around.

Oh, I'm sorry, Al.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Irma, will you see who it is?

Oh, you'll have to go.

I'm making my eyes up to sparkle.

JANE: All right. It's probably Mrs. O'Reilly.

Mrs. O...

Oh.

Oh, I beg your pardon, Madam.

Oh, Mr. Rhinelander.

Ms. Stacey? What are you doing here?

Well, I was told to pick you up at 7:00,

but I'm very sorry if I'm early.

Why, Jane, I don't think it's very nice of you

to keep your guest in the hall.

Won't you please come in, Mr. Rhinelander?

Yes, thank you.

Why, Jane, aren't you going to introduce us?

Yes, yes.

Mr. Rhinelander, this is my roommate, Irma Peterson.

Oh, Ms. Peterson, how do you do?

Ms. Stacey told me about you.

I understand you write.

Of course, and I read very well, too.

Well, I do have a little trouble with my spelling.

I beg your pardon? [LAUGHING]

Uh, Irma has a great sense of humor.

Yeah. Oh, my sparkle.

Now, Mr. Rhinelander,

if you'll just make yourself comfortable, I won't be a minute.

Oh, Jane, you go ahead and get dressed

and I'll have a nice, long chat with Mr. Rhinelander.

No, no, darling, I need you in the bedroom.

But who'll stay with Mr. Rhinelander?[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who called for the beer man?

Well, company.

What a delightful surprise.

Mr. Rhinelander, uh, that's my fiance, Al.

Oh, oh. How do you do?

Well, nice knowing you, Richard.

There, Jane, now you don't have to worry.

Richard has someone to chat with,

and I can help you dress.

Don't things work out wonderfully?

Yes, wonderfully. Wonderfully.

If you'll excuse us, Mr. Rhinelander.

Oh, that's, uh...

Be right with you, Rich.

Yeah.

Irma Peterson, this is some of yours and Al's work.

Oh, Jane, we only wanted to save your reputation.

Meeting a man at a bar.

Save my reputation?

Letting him come to this, this awful rooming house

and see me looking like a savage.

But think how much nicer you'll look to him

after you get dressed up.

Oh, Irma. Oh, don't be upset.

He's comfortable in there,

and I know he'll get along with Al famously.

Famously? If Richard reaches for his wallet,

he'll shake hands with Al.

Oh.

Sounds good, huh?

Well, uh, frankly, Mr...

Friend, just call me Al.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, uh, frankly, Al, uh, you see, uh,

my business is stocks and bonds.

I know very little about show business.

Safest investment in the world.

Yeah, well, uh,

it hasn't been for me on several occasions.

You see, I'm fairly conservative,

but they nicked my mother on a couple of turkeys,

and, uh, well, naturally, I'm a little leery.

Friend, understand your attitude.

Will not press the point.

Uh, thank you. But about the other matter.

Oh, now, look, since you say

Jane has set her heart on going to Coney Island,

I don't mind accepting your invitation,

because I've never been there.

You'll love it. If you're anything like me,

you get bored with those fancy places.

Yeah, yeah. [DOOR OPENS]

Well, I'm ready. Shall we go?

Yes, we'd better get started.

It's a long drive to Coney Island.

Coney Island?

Why, sure, Al told me it's your favorite spot.

And I'd like to go. Is it all right?

Coney Island. Yes, yes.

If you'd really like to go.

Oh, sure, I think it might be fun.

[TITTERS]

I... I'm so pleased I could die.

Ladies first.

My hat.

Al swung it.

That's the way I'd like to see Al, swinging.

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]

I can't understand that Mr. Ubang.

Who does he think he is,

keeping two big artists waiting?

Oh, take it easy.

Stop using that lamp to get a suntan.

You wanna get electrocuted?

I'm only doin' it because I'm nervous.

And don't tell me not to be.

All temperamental artists before an opening are nervous.

Mr. Laird?

STEVE: That's me. Mr. Ubang?

Yeah. Pleased to know you.

Glad to know you. I'm Seymour.

Uh, Mr. Laird, my brother over at the Gypsy Tea Room

said that you're a very fine singer.

Well, I do the best I can.

Don't be modest. I'm great, Mr. Ubang.

We're all set to go to work tonight.

The team of Seymour and Steve.

But before we start, there's one thing I have to know.

Where's the money? Seymour.

Uh, just a minute. Just a minute, please.

Are you a team?

Certainly, didn't your brother tell you about me?

Oh. Oh, yes. Yes, yes, he did tell me about you.

Well, Mr. Laird, this is a tryout, you know.

You'll probably do about two numbers.

Fine. How about me? How long do I work?

You work the whole evening.

The whole evening? Yes, throughout.

Oh, wow, Mr. Ubang,

I'm glad to see you know good talent.

Fortunately, I have enough material. [LAUGHS]

Yeah. I'm...

Would you like to see some of my impersonations?

I do Barry Fitzgerald. Watch this one.

Father O'Malley, I'd like for you to know

that there's no possible way... Oh, come on.

If you don't like that, I can do seals. Watch this.

[GRUNTING] A male seal. A female seal.

A male and a female seal. [GRUNTING]

A baby seal. [SCREECHES]

Let's go to a dressing room, please.

All right. Mr. Ubang,

there's a third party here. What about me?

Do you like the way I'm dressed?

Oh, no, you need something else.

Oh, well, what time does the show start?

Well, Mr. Laird will start in about an hour,

but you start right away.

Well, I'm ready. Where's my public?

They'll be clamoring for you in a few minutes.

[GRUNTS]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[CRASHING]

Where am I gonna put that car?

Where am I gonna put that...[HORN HONKING]

I'm comin'. I'm comin'!

[HORN HONKING]

So this is the public that's clamoring for me?

Never mind your public. Park the car.

[CAR CRASHING]

[WHISTLES]

All right, I hear you!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Watch it, fellow.

Oh, look, Al,

there's Seymour's twin brother parking the car.

I ain't got no twin brother. It's me, Seymour,

and what's happenin' to me shouldn't happen to a dog,

a big one. A little one couldn't handle it.

JANE: Well, let's go in, shall we?

We don't want to miss the show.

Oh, certainly not. Park the car, son.

Don't give me none of that "park the car" stuff.

Don't be a big man with me, Al.

Please, I'm going to miss the show.

I'm supposed to be the show. Half, at least.

Steve and me are a team.

To me, this is not equal billing.

Just be patient, Seymour. Your time will come.

Remember, Rome was not built in a day.

I'm standin' out here freezin',

and this guy gives me proverbs.

Park the car! Park the car!

I knew you were gonna say that. Listen to me, Al...

Take it easy, Seymour. On the next job,

you will be the main feature.

Steve will be nothing.

That's the way I like to hear you talk.

Remember, I am a great actor.

Know it, son. Know it.

In the meantime, park the car.

That's what I say, park the car.

What, do you two guys have a one-track mind?

Park the car. I'll park the car.

You blow your whistle. Let me worry about the car.

Ooh!

Why do you push? Are you crazy or somethin'?

It's nice of you to come down for the opening show.

What happened, slumming?

Al and Irma Shanghaied me.

All the time, I thought you came down to see me.

It's only powder.

I thought it was a little gold dust that had brushed off.

I thought you wanted to dance?

Okay, I'll be good.

Rich, my boy,

let me put another head on that champagne.

Oh, no, wait a minute, Al. I think I've had enough.

I don't wanna wake up in the morning,

scratching my head way out to here.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, don't worry, Mr. Rhinelander,

with your money, you can get a hat any size.

[LAUGHING]

You get it? Ain't that rich? You know what?

I think I'm gonna relax and just have a lot of fun.

[APPLAUSE]

[EXCLAIMS] [LAUGHS]

Missed it.

You seem to have been doing all right

while we were dancing.

I'm just helping Richard to relax.

And am I relaxing!

Thank you, Mr. Rhinelander,

for the use of your dancing partner.

Oh, not at all, not at all, just call me Richard.

Come over here and have a drink. Come on.

Oh, no, thanks just the same, but I've got to go to work.

Oh, you gotta work. All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, in line with our policy

of bringing you the best of entertainment,

we present Steve Laird.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ I was once a melancholy sad one

♪ Nothing seemed to be worth a whit

♪ Now this melancholy one is such a glad one

♪ And my lamp of love is lit

♪ You're it

♪ See it in your smile I hear it in your sigh

♪ That we have found a feeling higher than high

♪ My own

♪ My only, my all

♪ Kindled by your kiss

♪ The warmth of your embrace

♪ The luster of the lovelight

♪ Lightin' your face

♪ My own

♪ My only

♪ My all

♪ Knock on wood As well I should

♪ For all that you're making of me

♪ Never thought you'd love me

♪ But you do, you do

♪ And when I look up at the stars

♪ And ask them all what's new

♪ They join me in the answer

♪ "Darlin', it's you"

♪ My own

♪ Oh, my only

♪ My all ♪

Terrific, ain't he, Rich?

Yeah, he's great.

What do you think, Jane?

Oh, he's just another singer.

My wife left her handkerchief

in the glove compartment of my car.

It's that green sedan, back against the wall.

Get it, please?

Yes, sir!

[HORN BLARING]

These convertibles never stand up!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Here's a toast to the most

♪ Romantic intention

♪ It's that art of the heart

♪ Most worthy of mention

♪ So pay attention

♪ Here's to love Here's to love

♪ Here's to all that love can stand for

♪ It's a wishful wonderland for just you

♪ Here's to love Here's to love

♪ There's a magic touch about it

♪ And you're nothing much without it

♪ It's true

♪ It's the feelin' lovers swear by

♪ Whereby they celebrate

♪ Those who find it thereby

♪ Are feelin' only great

♪ And lately I kind of sigh

♪ When I see you smiling by

♪ Is this love that's growin'?

♪ Yes, it's love It's showin'

♪ Here's to love

♪ Here's to life with you

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Here's to love Here's to love

♪ That's a thing for jerks and rabbits

♪ Gets you in the darnedest habits

♪ It's bad

♪ Here's to love Nah, love

♪ Makes you feel you're short on plasma

♪ I can feel the same with asthma

♪ It's sad

♪ It's like sweet cream sour turning

♪ Jelly on your mustache

♪ And when it starts you burning

♪ You wind up just an ash in the fireplace

♪ I'd rather sigh over hot corned beef on rye

♪ Who wants love? I'm lazy

♪ Who needs love?

♪ Who's crazy?

♪ Here's to love Here's to life

♪ Alone

♪ It's a summer night in Paris

♪ Fiesta in San Jose

♪ A 'andsome tweed by 'arris

♪ The road to Mandalay

♪ So lately I kind of sigh

♪ When I see you smilin' by

♪ Is this love that's growin'?

♪ Yes, it's love It's showin'

♪ Here's to love Here's to life

♪ With you ♪

Oh, he's wonderful.

Richard, don't you think we'd better go now?

Oh, no, Jane,

we've still got time for another round,

another round, another round, haven't we?

Oh, sure. Jane,

we were just getting around to discussing a little deal.

Yeah. Say, I've got a wonderful idea.

Let's all go up to my place afterwards for a nightcap, huh?

Terrific. Terrific.

Well, I think that would be... Ow!

No, thanks. I have a headache, I guess.

Uh, well, good night, Al.

Huh?

Well, okay.

Be talking to you, Rich.

All right. Come on, Chicken.

Wonderful people.

You know, I think Irma's not only sweet and brilliant,

but Al is as honest as the day is long.

Wonderful people.

Just dropped by to say good...

When did he trade the eyes for the glass ones?

Don't be silly. Mr. Rhinelander is not drunk.

He's just resting. Really?

It's been a pleasure meeting you, Richard.

Well, it's been a pleasure meeting you, Al.

Al?

Jane, are you sure he's able to drive you home?

Drive her home?

Why, the way I feel, I could drive her to Cleveland.

Let's go. Oh!

[GASPS]

Well, that's me,

never a date but always a chauffeur.

This is it.

Be careful with him, Steve.

Be careful of him?

What about me?

Go on, Steve, get up.

No, make him get up.

Come on, now.

[GRUNTS]

I'd like to see you carry him for a while.

You'll have to excuse us now.

Jane?

Out here.

Well, he's all wrapped up and tucked away.

Thanks, Steve.

You know, given half a chance,

I'm an obliging guy.

It's beautiful up here, isn't it?

Uh-huh.

It's just like I always dreamed it would be.

Yeah.

He seems to like you, too.

You see, Steve,

it's like I told you up on the roof at our place.

These are the things that I want...

It's pretty.

My mother left it to me.

I wouldn't want you to think that I was a gold digger,

uh, but it's just a question of wanting something

and then going after it.

And if you're figuring on someday getting married,

then you might as well figure on marrying somebody

instead of nobody.

You know? Yeah.

Oh, I... I don't mean

that a girl should, should marry for money, exactly.

Oh, of course not.

But what's wrong with a girl,

maybe, falling in love with a guy

that's got it, you know?

And don't tell me that it's harder

to fall in love with a wealthy guy

than it is with a poor guy, because th... That's silly.

Isn't that silly?

It's just too silly to even talk about.

So that's why I figure that maybe someday

Richard and I could be...

Could be...

Steve, don't.

Oh, please, just stop that.

Just go away.

Jane, I love you.

No, Steve.

It's not enough.

Sorry, but that's my best offer.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Richard, I'm leaving. Are you all right?

Huh? What?

Ms. Stacey.

Well, I'm gonna have to give you a raise.

I've never had a secretary this efficient.

But I...

Oh.

What is wrong, Seymour?

What is wrong?

Look at my name.

Look at the size of my printing.

I don't know whether it says "Seymour" or "no smoking."

Gives you a mysterious air, son.

Now, don't start complaining.

Things are breakin' fine.

You and Steve have got a lovely home here.

And Jane, through Richard,

has fixed it for Steve to meet Ralph Winston,

the big Broadway producer.

Ralph Winston? What about me?

Your time will come, son.

Got to hold you back a little.

Don't want to push you too much.

Save you for a rainy day.

Rainy day? I got some news for you, Al.

I get hungry in clear weather.

Okay, son. I'm going to level with you.

I'm a man who believes in dealing above board.

Ha, ha, ha.

Seymour, has anyone ever told you

that you have a tragic face?

Tragic face?

You listen to me, Al, you worry about yours.

Don't mean it that way, friend.

You have a certain dramatic quality

in your expression, and I think

with a little practice, you can become a fine actor.

And that's where the money is.

Today, that's what they need, legitimate actors.

How do I become legitimate?

Well, it takes practice, my boy.

Now there's the mirror.

Take a look at yourself.

Now, if you notice,

you have deep expression in your eyes

and a very sensitive chin.

All the qualities of a legitimate actor,

maybe even a great lover.

Yeah, but isn't my voice too high?

Not necessarily.

You can make love to tall girls.

Oh, well, what do I do to do what you said I should do?

Well, first thing, you've got to practice speaking.

Now, let's take some dramatic sentence like, uh,

"You say you love me,

"but you don't even know I'm alive."

You say you love me,

But you don't even know. I'm alive?

No, no. Mustn't leave any opening for doubt.

Make it a definite statement.

You say you love me, but you don't even.

No, I'm alive.

Now, that's closer, kid. Keep practicing.

You say you know me,

and ain't it lovely to be alive?

[HOARSELY] You say you love me,

and I've loved you. Living and loving.

Is that grand? No. Why? I don't know.

[INTERCOM BUZZING]

Yes?

WOMAN: A Mr. Steve Laird is here.

Send him right in, please.

[DOOR OPENS]

Al said you wanted to see me.

Steve, isn't it wonderful?

Mr. Rhinelander has arranged for you

to meet Ralph Winston, the Broadway producer.

Aren't you pleased?

You don't have to toss me a bone

by havin' him fix up a letter for me.

I don't go for that kind of a payoff.

Steve, that's not true. I don't play angles, Jane.

[DOOR CLOSES]

RICHARD: Yes?

Richard, I've changed my mind.

If you still want me to meet your mother for dinner tonight,

I'd be more than pleased.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Tonight, over this same station,

it's your Lucky Jackpot Program,

with a grand prize of $50,000 worth of merchandise,

so be sure you're home.

Don't worry. I won't go anyplace tonight.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

I'm sorry, but...

Oh, hello, Al, honey.

Al, you're all out of breath.

You shouldn't let yourself get that way,

because breath is good for you.

Look, Chicken, came here for comfort,

not to be analyzed.

And shut that doggone radio off.

[RADIO SHUTS OFF]

Oh, Al, what's the matter? Is anything wrong?

Wrong?

Chicken, saw a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

Just when I'm about to grab it,

rainbow disappears.

Now, I haven't even got a pot.

Oh, Al, you always have me.

You have something to eat, and you'll feel better.

I'm almost too depressed to eat.

And it's all that Jane's fault.

Shh. She'll hear you.

Don't care if she does.

First, I get that Richard blind,

so he'll appreciate my proposition.

She drags him away.

Then when he finally comes through for me,

she has to have a fight with Steve

and he walks out and goes back to the orange juice stand.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Al.

Tell you, Chicken, if that Jane wasn't a dame

and I was in better condition,

I'd haul off and slug her.

But, Al, everything's fine.

Jane's in there getting dressed

to meet Richard's mother tonight.

His mother.

Chicken, this puts a whole new complexion on it.

It does?

Why, this is the greatest thing that ever happened.

I got a millionaire brother-in-law!

Bless that Jane.

She's a sweet kid, the salt of the earth.

But, Al, you know what worries me?

I wonder if Jane really loves Richard.

After all, money doesn't bring happiness.

Chicken, the guy who said that

is still seeing his psychiatrist.

Got to run along.

Got to get a hold of Steve

and convince him that he can go places

if he'll forget Jane and leave her to Richard.

But what do you want me to do, Al?

Nothing, Chicken, absolutely nothing.

You don't have to worry.

I'm very good at doing nothing.

Great, Chicken, because if you meddled in this,

our marriage could be delayed.

Conservatively speaking,

years and years.

Will be back for supper.

Jane, want me to help you get dressed?

Jane?

Oh, Janie, what's wrong?

[SOBBING]

Nothing, Irma. Nothing. I'll be all right.

Oh.

Tell me all about it.

You can think of me as a mother,

but then don't go around telling anybody my age.

[SNIFFLES]

Oh, Irma, all my life

I've wanted to marry a millionaire,

and now, when I... When I finally got one

and I'm ready to reel him in,

I have to fall in love with a guy

who hasn't even got enough money for bait.

You mean Steve.

Mmm.

Gee, what're you gonna do?

I don't know, honey. I just don't know.

My heart's got a hold of my head,

and it's shaking it by the throat.

Oh, honey, you really are in a mess.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Excuse me, Mrs. Rhinelander,

there's a Ms. Peterson asking to see you.

Ms. Peterson?

I don't know any Ms. Peterson, Henry.

She says it's in regard to Ms. Jane Stacey,

Mr. Rhinelander's secretary.

Oh?

Oh.

Well, show her in, Henry.

Mrs. Rhinelander will see you now, Ms. Peterson.

Thank you.

Wait a minute.

Oh. Excuse me.

Ms. Peterson?

Yes, I... I'm the roommate of your son's secretary.

Oh, I see. Won't you sit down?

Oh, thank you.

My, if you'll excuse the expression,

you're the spitting image of Richard.

Except that he shaves.

Huh?

Oh.

[LAUGHS] Oh, thank you,

I think.

Would you care for some tea?

No, thank you.

A cocktail? No, thank you.

Oh. Gum?

Uh, well, not right now.

Cigarette? Oh, thank you.

For Al.

Uh, Mrs. Rhinelander, I'll come right to the point.

Now, you're a woman, and I'm a woman,

so I think we should discuss this matter as man to man.

I beg your pardon?

I don't know if you know it, but my roommate,

a Jane Stacey, works for your son.

I'm learning.

Naturally, since she's a girl and he's a fellow,

you can't take dictation all day.

Opposites attract.

You understand, don't you?

You mean the relationship between my son

and his secretary is more than business.

My.

It's a pleasure to know you're as sophisticated as I am.

You see, I know all about life,

because I'm practically engaged.

Well, congratulations.

You see, Jane has one terrible fault. She's...

[CLICKS TONGUE]

I can't even say it.

What is she, a neurotic?

Her religion has nothing to do with it.

It's just that your son has so much money

that she is drawn to him like a maggot.

A maggot?

Of course, I don't blame Jane

for being blinded by gold,

because you know how it glitters. Oh, yes.

But I don't think it's right for her to marry Richard

just so she can get the alimony

so she can marry Steve.

Steve? Yes,

that's her other boyfriend, the one she really loves.

Well, who, Al, Steve, or Richard?

Please, Mrs. Rhinelander, that would be bigamy.

I just don't know what to say.

Well, the problem's yours.

I just thought I'd tell you everything

so you'd know what to do, so I'll tell you.

I'd just tell Richard to forget all about Jane.

Goodbye, I'm off.

No more, thank you.

You were most generous the first time. [LAUGHS]

MRS. RHINELANDER: Henry. Yes, madam.

Short grapefruit juice.

Right.

Seymour. Fill it up.

Fill it up.

What's the matter with you?

If you ain't gonna smile,

it's not a pleasure to work with you.

Oh, dry up.

What kind of an attitude is that to take?

Just because you lost your dame,

you think the world is coming to an end. Shut up.

Well, do you have to walk around with a face like that?

You gonna shut up or not?

I can talk if I wanna. This is a free country,

and I got a perfect right to squawk, too.

Yesterday, I was on the road to becoming a star.

Now I'm back at this.

I didn't mind squeezing oranges and lemons,

but the boss had to put in grapefruits.

What's gonna happen when he puts in watermelons?

I won't have a hand left. I'll have a paddle.

Seymour. What?

That'll keep you quiet.

Steve?

Oh, gee, Steve, I'm glad I found you.

Why?

Oh, excuse me.

Steve, Jane sent me.

She's cryin' her heart out for you.

That's not the way Al told it to me.

Don't pay any attention to Al.

Look, Steve, I know Jane. We're like sisters.

Of course, we're not under the same skin,

but we're very close.

She's crazy about you, Steve.

Yeah, but she likes Park Avenue better.

No, she broke up with Richard.

She sent me to tell you she wants to see you tonight.

You're not kiddin'? No.

You come to the house tonight and find out.

When you get married,

you can name your first child after me.

Oh, of course, if it's a boy,

you'll have to call it Mr. Peterson.

Goodbye.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Ms. Stacey?

Yes?

I'm Mrs. Rhinelander.

Richard's mother?

Yes.

Uh, oh, I...

Won't you come in?

Thank you.

[TITTERS]

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

Now, Ms. Stacey, I'll come right to the point.

I believe you have a certain Ms. Peterson

living here with you.

You can imagine, Ms. Stacey, how horrified I was

when your roommate told me... Oh, Jane, I fixed...

Fixed...

Oh, it's the wrong apartment.

I live on another block.

Irma, my little pigeon, you're trembling.

What's the matter?

Oh, professor, I'm sick. Have you got an ice bag?

Oh, certainly.

You think Mrs. O'Reilly gives me a deep freeze?

We'll take the bottle of milk off,

you'll wear on your head.

Well, that clarifies matters.

Now, Ms. Stacey, knowing Richard and having met you,

I can see why he's interested in you.

But I understand from your roommate that he's...

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well, as I was saying,

I understand from your roommate

that there's another young man, Steve, involved.

Oh, well... But naturally,

you find Richard more attractive

because of his money. Mrs. Rhinelander,

are you trying to imply

that I got the job as... As Richard's secretary,

so that I could marry my wealthy boss?

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Not at all.

And I know.

How? Ms. Stacey,

I was Richard's father's secretary.

Oh.

But you married him, didn't you?

Yes.

But I was in love with him.

Good night, Ms. Stacey.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[EXCLAIMS]

Irma?

Irma Peterson, I know you're up there.

Come down here this minute. Do you hear me?

Well, Jane, what's new?

There are a few things I want to talk...

Jane, can't you see I'm sick?

[CRYING]

Jane, I'm sick. I feel terrible.

Don't give me that sick act,

because by the time I'm through with you,

you'll have a relapse.

How dare you interfere in my life,

and call on Mrs. Rhinelander?

But, Jane, I was only trying to help you.

You've been helping me

ever since we moved in together,

and pretty soon I'll be beyond help.

What can I say after I say I'm sorry?

Well, I'm sorry I ever moved in here with you.

Irma Peterson, listen to me.

You and I are through.

Our friendship is at an end.

But, Jane... And don't "but, Jane" me.

I'm going out with Richard tonight

if he'll still see me, and when I get back,

if you're still living here,

I'm going to move to the YWCA.

But, Jane, are you a member?

[SCREAMS] I'll join!

[DOOR SLAMS]

Soakin' wet outside.

Chicken, how could you buy a crazy hat like that?

[CRYING] Oh, Al.

Chicken, you're cryin'. What's happened?

You didn't lose your job? Oh, no, Al.

Oh, you had me scared for a minute.

Chicken, don't worry about anything,

because our future has never been brighter.

As a matter of fact,

with Jane about to hook Richard,

might be a double wedding.

Oh, Al, you don't understand.

Jane doesn't want me to live with her anymore.

What?

Jane refuses to live with the sweetest,

most wonderful girl in the world?

Why?

Just because I went to Mrs. Rhinelander

to break up Jane and Richard.

You went to Mrs. Rhinelander?

Why, you...

Chicken, didn't I tell you to do nothing?

But I thought... With what?

Who told you to think?

But Jane really loves Steve.

Who's talkin' about love?

Ain't bad enough I lost my meal ticket,

you had to burn down the bank.

Well, this is the end.

A wife is supposed to help her husband

in sickness and health.

I'm sick of you, and if I stick around,

you'll ruin my health,

so you and I are through!

Our engagement is off!

[CRYING]

Here's the engagement ring you bought me.

[SNIFFLES]

[KISSES]

[SOBBING]

Irma?

Irma?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, stop playing games, honey.

I didn't mean it.

Come back in. Jane loves you.

Are you sure?

Because I just got a phone call from my mother.

Oh, well, that was just some of Irma's work.

She thought that... Oh, I don't care what Irma thought.

I don't care what my mother thinks.

Look, Jane.

I'm only interested in what you think about me.

Richard, need you ask? Yes,

because I want to find out about this fellow Steve.

Where does he fit in?

He doesn't. Are you sure?

Oh, yes, I'm sure. I'm... I'm through with him.

I'll never see him again.

Oh, Jane.

I know this is a little fast,

but ever since you came to work for me,

I've been wanting to tell you that...

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Jane, honey.

Oh, Steve, what are you doing here?

I'm so glad you sent for me.

That's cozy, but what about me?

You? Yes, me.

I happen to have a date with Jane tonight.

What goes on here?

Yes, Jane, what does go on here?

Well, I... I... I just don't know what to say.

Well, I know what to do.

[SCREAMS]

Steve, how... How dare you hit Richard?

It was easy.

[SCREAMS]

Richard, how dare you hit Steve?

It was simple.

What goes on here?

Steve, my favorite client.

Been lookin' all over for you.

Demand to know who started this trouble.

I'm glad you asked that, Al.

You did.

Richard, are your teeth all right?

Oh, Steve, what did he do to your eye?

Jane, forget them two guys.

We got real trouble.

What's the matter? Read it yourself.

"To whom it may concern.

"I have ruined everybody's life,

"so now I am going to ruin my own.

"P.S. Please do not drag the river

"for my body as I have hung myself.

"Guess who? Irma Peterson."

Oh, Al, this is terrible.

JANE: Well, don't just sit there.

Call the police.

Oh, only as the last resort.

It isn't that I've got anything against the police.

They're all right as far as they go.

Trouble is, every time they go,

they take some of my friends with 'em.

Now let's not blow our tops.

Al, we've got to do something.

If you don't care, I do.

If I don't care?

Jane, how can you say a thing like that?

Why, if anything happens to my Chicken, I'll go crazy.

Oh, Lord,

if you bring back my Irma, I promise you I'll...

I'll get a job.

What am I sayin'?

What am I sayin'?

Oh.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[TRAIN HORN BLARING]

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

Hello?

[JANE CRYING]

Janie, darling, take it easy.

After all, the police are doing all they can.

Irma,

my wonderful little Irma.

Al, it's all your fault.

You used to yell at her.

Don't pin no rap on me, Jane.

Your vocal cords got plenty of workout, too.

Yes, but I never meant it.

Never meant it, either.

Love Chicken. Love her dearly.

Just that she's so hard to understand.

You see, there's a thin line

between genius and insanity,

and the way that dame kept swingin' back and forth

made a nervous wreck out of me.

But if I could only see her again,

I would never yell

at my Chicken no more. [DOORBELL RINGS]

JANE: Maybe it's Irma.

Hello.

Oh, it's you.

Certainly, it's me. Hey, Steve,

I came over to tell you we got fired.

Fired?

Can't you work an orange juice stand one night?

Well, not without you.

Every time I had to work the cash register,

I hit five keys.

Oh, shut up and sit down.

We have trouble here. Irma committed suicide.

Oh.

I wish I knew where she was, I'd join her.

I didn't mean nothin'.

It's just because we got fired.

I feel bad, too.

I can't do nothing now. Everything...

[SCREAMS]

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Well, ladies and gentlemen,

we're about to call the winner

of the mammoth $50,000 gift contest.

There goes the giant wheel,

and someone will be the lucky winner.

Our telephone operator is waiting to call

the lucky winner, who is...

Mrs. Hilda Klotz of Keokuk, Iowa,

the mother of 32 children.

Al was right.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Hold it, folks.

Mrs. Klotz is disqualified.

She has no phone.

And there goes the wheel again,

and the call goes to Miss Irma Peterson...

Oh, that's me! Just a minute.

...of 185 West 73rd Street, New York.

Wait a minute. I'll be right there.

The orchestra will play a short number

while our operator calls her home.

Taxi! Taxi!

[PHONE RINGING]

Maybe it's the police.

Hello. What?

Irma Peterson? They found her.

Oh, my wonderful Chicken,

cannot wait to see her.

Oh, shut up, Al.

Wh... Wh... What are you saying?

You're trying to locate Irma Peterson?

Yes, I know.

Is this the police?

I don't understand.

What?

What's the name of what song?

The Lucky Jackpot Program?

How do you like that?

They're callin' Chicken from the contest

and she has to pick a moment like this

to knock herself off.

That dame never had no consideration.

Hello, I'm sorry... Jane, look.

Tell 'em you're Irma Peterson.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. I'm going to hang up.

Never, not with 50 grand at stake.

[IN FALSETTO] Hello, I'm Irma Peterson.

Oh. What's that?

Well, uh, uh, I'm a very old woman.

I have a heavy cold.

You want to know the name of the song

and who's singing it?

Just a moment.

Hey, hey, anybody ever hear that program?

Al, you mercenary monster, hang up.

Would you mind repeating the question, please?

Well, the name of the song you're playing is, uh...

Uh, is, uh...

Don't rush me, young man.

Irma, darling.

[PANTING]

Buttons and Bows.

It's Buttons and Bows.

What? Who's singing it?

Chicken, speak to me. It's your Al.

If you love me,

tell 'em who's singin' the song.

Bing Crosby.

Chicken, we won! We won! We won!

Let me see now.

One of the airplanes,

we can sell to Joe for smuggling purposes.

As for the armored car,

Mushie has always wanted one.

Oh, must make a fortune on this deal!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[PARROT SQUAWKING]

[DOG BARKING]

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, you can't imagine

the most incredible display of gifts.

This apartment is in a turmoil

and still the gifts keep coming in.

Here is an oxygen outfit.

A new tire, oil, another tire.

Oh, excuse me, horsey.

[SCREAMING]

[THUDDING]

Irma, honey, what's the matter?

Oh, Jane, save me. It's an octopus!

It's a diving suit. Is it?

Now will you please get dressed?

We've got to get to the church.

Where do you want me to put this, lady?

Nothing else goes in here.

Everything goes in the other room.

Now, will you please get out. You, too.

All of you. Come on out of there.

But I haven't finished my drapes.

I'm not interested in your drapes.

Just get out.

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Irma, please hurry.

Well, don't worry about me.

I'll be a bride before you can say "boo."

[SIGHING] I'm so nervous.

Well, while we're waiting,

we can have a short rehearsal.

Without girls? It's quite simple.

The best men can act as substitutes for the wives.

Yes, now, uh,

please take your husbands' arms, ladies.

There, that's right.

And, uh, follow me to the altar.

Happy, Jane?

More than you'll ever know, Steve, darling.

This way, Chicken.

Yes, Al, honey.

Let's try the phone again.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Just think, honey, in five minutes,

I'll be Mrs. Steve Laird.

And, after five years, I'll be Mrs. Al...

Oh, I'm so nervous.

Don't worry, honey.

Nothing can happen to us now.

I was wrong.

Anything can happen

if you live with my friend Irma.