Original subtitles

Tobie: Welcome to "Just Roll With It"!

(theme music plays)

‐♪♪ ‐(kids cheering)

♪♪

♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪

‐(bell rings) ‐(audience cheering)

♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪

‐(bell rings) ‐(audience cheering)

Tobie: Woo!

Tobie: (yelling) Yes!

Yes!

Welcome to "Just Roll With It"!

(audience cheering)

This is the only show

in the history of TV

that tapes in front of a live studio audience.

(audience cheering)

Um, that's definitely not true.

‐(audience laughs) ‐Really?

Okay, so it's not the only show

that tapes in front of a live studio audience.

But, it is the only show that lets the audience vote

on what happens to us.

(audience cheering)

So, when you hear this sound:

‐(foghorn blares) ‐(Ramon laughs)

Three options will pop up for you to vote on.

We can't see, and whatever you decide,

‐we have to... ‐All: "Just Roll With It"!

(audience cheering)

Tobie: Let's start the show!

♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪

I am so pumped for tonight.

Me, too. Only a few more hours

till Mom and Byron's date night.

Then it's sweet, sweet unsupervised freedom.

I've been waiting my entire life to be left home alone.

Tonight, we finally get to live like adults.

And we're still too young to be thrown in jail.

I made a list of fun things to do

once Mr. and Mrs. Buzzkill beat it.

Oh.

Oh!

(screaming): Oh!

Blair, you're not right.

Aw, thanks.

We can't screw things up tonight.

If we ace this, we'll never have a babysitter ever again.

First, it's two hours alone.

Then they trust us with the whole weekend.

And before you know it, they move out,

and we can put on their clothes and get jobs!

What are you talking about?

Jobs, Blair. Real jobs, with benefits!

Wow. Even your dreams are lame.

The point is, the moment they walk out that door begins

‐the greatest night of our lives! ‐Shh!

I don't want to bum Rachel and Dad out

when they see how excited we are to get rid of them.

I am so excited to get rid of the kids tonight!

Shh! I don't want to bum them out

when they see how pumped we are to ditch 'em!

It's healthy for us to spend some time away from them.

This is our first real date since the wedding.

You've earned this.

We've earned this.

Actually, you're right. I've earned this.

I can't believe we're finally going to Chez Cascade!

Although I have a feeling a fancy place like that

isn't gonna let you wear a hat.

Right. That happened. You know what? Hat stays on.

What time's the reservation?

Right!

Reservation. Um...

That is a great question.

One of the best questions I've ever heard.

One that can be easily answered

by checking my thing in the other room real quick.

Hi. Yes. This is local radio celebrity Byron Blatt,

‐and I was hoping I can make a reservation‐‐ ‐Dad.

Shh. Yeah, make a reservation tonight

‐for two people‐‐ ‐(woman laughing on phone)

I'm sorry, are you laughing at me?

Oh, so that's how you want to play it. Okay‐‐

‐Dad! ‐We'll see‐‐ We'll see who's laughing

when I talk about this on the radio and unleash the fury

of my very dedicated listeners,

on your overpriced excuse

‐for a restaurant‐‐ ‐Dad, I already made a reservation.

I will see you tonight. Thank you so much. I'm looking forward to it.

My boy, you saved me!

Come on, go. Show's live in two. Where's The Gator?

It's his kid's birthday, so he's up at the prison.

‐(phone rings) ‐Hey. You know the rules.

Phones on silent when we're live.

Rachel, I'm so responsible that I turned my phone to silent

as soon as I walked in here.

Aw! He thinks people are gonna call him!

Kids, we're leaving. Come pretend you're sad to see us go.

Whoa, Mom!

You look, like, 20 years younger.

Aw.

Thank you, sweetie. I know that was meant as a compliment,

so I'll ignore how offended I am.

Come on. We don't want to be late. Love you, kids.

We'll be home around 9:30. Call us if you need anything.

Don't do anything dangerous.

Or exciting. Or fun.

Roger that, Rachel.

Don't worry about us.

I've got so much homework to do.

‐We're gonna miss you kids. ‐Not as much as we'll miss you.

Whew!

Now I can do homework without any distractions.

‐In three... two... ‐Caught ya!

Doing your homework. (laughs softly)

Carry on.

No parents! Woo!

Anarchy!

The king is dead, and the kids are storming the sofa.

Blair!

Blair! They've been gone for less than 10 seconds,

and you've already forgotten Rachel's no shoes on the couch rule!

Oh, I didn't forget.

I didn't forget at all.

Reckless disregard for the rules?

That's the worst kind of disregard.

Blair, if you blow this for us,

we could be facing eternal supervision.

Only if we get caught,

which I won't, because I'm great at everything.

‐(doorbell rings) ‐A stranger. Our first test.

Likely a spy hired by Rachel and Dad.

Take it easy, dude.

I just ordered dinner from my favorite restaurant.

‐Just because you're not‐‐ ‐(foghorn blares)

(audience cheering)

Host: Okay, audience. You see your choices.

‐(bell dings) ‐ One, two, or three.

You guys vote on what you want to happen next.

Our actors are leaving the stage

so we can prepare your choice.

Lock in your vote.

I don't know what they're about to throw at us,

but it's gonna be good.

It's fun when things happen to you.

'Cause it gets you the excitement,

and, you know, all the jitters. It's like, ooh!

Host: Okay, that's it. Votes are in.

Director: Let's go have some fun, guys.

I feel like our kids are alone without us, like, for real.

Host: Let's go back to the scene.

I'm so scared.

Director: Ready, and... action!

Take it easy, dude.

I just ordered dinner from my favorite restaurant.

Just because you're not gonna take advantage of our freedom

doesn't mean I can't.

Greetings, Blair.

I have your order from Yoga Burger.

‐(bell dinging) ‐Blair: Oh!

As you know, when you order our

famous goat cheese burger from Yoga Burger,

you get... a free...

baby goat yoga session.

‐Yes. ‐(audience cheering)

I've been dying to do one of those.

‐Oh, my gosh. ‐Poochie: Bring on the goats.

‐Audience: Aw! ‐(goats bleating)

There you go.

‐(bleating) ‐Why do they have diapers?

‐'Cause goats poop. ‐I do, too.

(audience laughs)

What happens to the goats after the yoga?

‐Do they become the burger? ‐Okay, Owen, that's enough questions.

Poochie: Now, I want you guys to follow me.

And our first pose is... child's pose.

‐Okay. ‐So we go down

‐to the ground like this. ‐Blair: Okay.

‐Putting our hands down. ‐Blair: Okay.

‐Now we sit back on our feet like this. ‐(Blair squeals)

‐(Blair yells) ‐Owen: Oh, my gosh.

‐This is very relaxing. ‐(goats bleating)

Isn't that great?

Their sharp little feet sure are lovely.

‐(bleating) ‐Are those diapers still on?

(audience laughing)

Excuse me. Excu‐‐ Okay.

‐(audience laughing) ‐Owen: Okay. Excuse me.

Here we go. Follow me again. Yes, here we go.

Heads up. Heads up‐‐

‐Oh, yeah. ‐Okay.

Ow, ow, ow. Ow! Ow!

I know. Just hang in there, brother. Hang in there.

It smells like one of their diapers is filled with goat cheese.

(audience laughing)

Well, I gotta go change these goats' diapers.

‐Blair: Okay. ‐Namaste.

‐Bye, goats. See you later. ‐Bye‐bye, goats.

‐(bleating) ‐(audience cheering)

(sighs)

Well, I'm covered in goat urine,

but I'm super relaxed. This night rocks.

If Dad and Rachel were home,

we would have never been able to do this.

See, Owen? Isn't it fun to live a little?

Let your freak flag fly.

Okay. Let's see what else you've got on that list.

(audience cheering)

(bleating)

♪♪

Here we are.

Can I get you two sparkling or still water to drink?

‐Oh. ‐What region is the still water from?

It's from the sink, sir.

I bet they have fancy sinks here.

Two of your finest sink waters.

Wonderful, wonderful.

And to get you started, might I recommend our most famous dish.

‐Oh. ‐The chef's special is‐‐

Say no more, garcon. I'll never turn down

something that's both famous and special.

‐One for the table. ‐Aha.

Yes, sir.

Oh. Crab cakes. Owen's favorite.

Ah. I tried so hard to get Blair to eat seafood when she was little.

I'd mix it into her potatoes,

deep fry it, try to slingshot it into her mouth

when she was watching TV. But this one time‐‐

Honey, I love you, but you gotta stop talking about the kids.

We only have two short hours together.

No Owen or Blair talk until we get home. Deal?

I snuck tuna into her grilled cheese and she never knew.

There. I said it. You're totally right. Deal.

Just think, in a few years when the kids are off at college,

or whatever Blair ends up doing,

this is what our life is gonna be like,

every night! (giggles)

Twelve dollars for bread?

Maybe this is what our life will be like once a month.

(both sigh)

This is just a little sneak‐peak

of what our lives are gonna be like

all the time when we're adults.

Man, I am loving this bad‐boy lifestyle.

I hope I don't love it too much

and end up chasing this rush my whole life,

wake up in my 40s and realize,

I've built nothing for myself, my kids won't talk to me,

and I'm dating a girl named Chandelier

who thinks she's psychic!

Yeah. Same.

I guess.

Is it gross to put syrup on onion rings?

Not at all.

Onions are vegetables, and syrup comes from trees.

So, they're basically a vegetable, too.

It's pretty much a salad, when you think about it.

Can't argue with that logic.

Let's see what's next on my night of freedom list.

Ooh! Finally watch "The Fugitive Files."

‐What's that? ‐It's a show about real‐life criminals,

who are still on the run.

So... like...

they're still out there.

You bet. Never caught.

All I gotta do is figure out the passcode

to these dumb parental controls.

I know the passcode.

Dad's afraid of technology, so I set it up for him.

You're the one who set up our parental controls?

‐Uh, yeah. ‐Then turn 'em off, you adult sympathizer!

How do you sleep at night putting parental controls on your own kind?

I don't know. I am a bad boy now.

But I'd prefer a gradual descent into corruption.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought since you skipped a grade,

you'd be mature enough to be your own parental control.

Give me that remote.

One, one, one, one.

I had to make it so Dad would remember it.

TV Announcer: "The Fugitive Files" is for adults only .

Kids should not be watching.

‐I'm sorry, sir, but the manager said‐‐ ‐(foghorn blares)

(audience cheering)

♪♪

‐(bell dings) ‐Host: Okay, audience.

You get to decide what happens to Mom and Dad.

‐I hope they vote for pizza. ‐(laughs)

Boy, oh, boy, do I not like eating gross stuff.

I'm giving all the gross stuff to you.

Like a true gentleman.

You're still gonna do scripted dialogue.

We can take it from the very top of the scene.

Host: Votes are in. Now back to the scene.

Man: Rolling.

Director: Action!

As you know, the chef's special appetizer

is a whole new take on the classic that we call:

"Blind Date."

‐(dinging) ‐Oh.

‐Okay. ‐We here believe that

one's senses are better dulled

to enjoy the food.

Oh, do I wash my hands with this?

(laughs)

‐It's fancy‐fancy. ‐Rachel: I love it.

Rachel/Byron: Oh!

‐Okay. ‐Rachel: Okay.

‐Byron: Ha, ha. ‐Okay.

Mm. (laughs)

Now, the chef recommends that the blind date

is an experience that's meant to be shared with a loved one.

‐So, please, feed one another. ‐Byron: Yes!

‐(audience exclaiming) ‐Oh, I love this.

Nothing bad ever happens when you're blindfolded.

(yells): Oh! Oh!

This feels scrumptious.

(audience laughing)

If I feel a hand go near my wallet, I'm coming up swinging.

Don't worry, baby.

(groaning)

Audience: Oh! Ew!

That's good.

‐(smacks lips) ‐Should I try it?

Yeah, here you go, baby. Here, I got this right here for you.

(muffled): All right. Are you giving me one?

Where you at? Where you at?

‐There you go. ‐Mm.

(laughing): Don't bite my finger, baby, come on.

‐Byron? Baby? ‐Mm‐hmm?

You know what the first thing I ever noticed about you was?

‐(laughs) My hulking muscles? ‐Rachel: Ha.

‐More like your imagination. ‐(both laughing)

And your kind eyes.

Hold on. Let me give you some food.

♪ What is that? I don't know what it is ♪

Audience: Ew!

‐Here you go, baby. ‐I'll tell you wh‐‐

‐Oh! ‐(audience laughing)

‐Oh! ‐Byron: Ew!

Rachel: Oh, that...

(smacks lips) I've gotta get that recipe.

It's wallpaper paste?

Byron: Mm.

You know the other thing I love about you

is your flawless skin. It's so soft!

I wish I could turn you into a coat

and wear you around during the winter.

Oh!

Adorable and creepy.

(softly): It is a little creepy.

‐Let me feed you something for that. ‐Byron: Okay.

I think we had that, but let's do a combo.

Don't use a fork. I want to keep my eyes.

‐See if you can catch this. ‐Okay.

‐Ah! ‐(audience laughing)

‐Byron: You missed, you missed. ‐All right. Here we go.

‐Aah! You hit my Mohawk. ‐Rachel: Oh!

Aah! That felt‐‐ That was like a fastball, baby.

You know, I'm not getting anything.

‐Here, baby, ‐Here. Give me your mouth.

‐Come on, gimme‐‐ ‐Give me your face.

‐Give me your face, baby. ‐Whoa, whoa. Wait.

‐Byron: Mm. ‐Rachel: Mm.

(audience exclaiming)

Mm.

This is good, baby. Come here. Come here, boo‐boo!

‐I'm here. ‐Byron: Come here. Mm.

Audience: Ew! Oh!

I do hope you enjoyed your...

‐...blind date appetizers. ‐Rachel: Mm.

Where's the pepper?

‐Your entrees will be out in a bit. ‐Rachel: Oh.

‐Thank you so much. ‐I appreciate it.

You don't think we jumped the gun

by leaving the kids home alone, do you?

Baby, if we would have paid for a babysitter,

we wouldn't be able to afford all this fancy bread.

Let's just try to relax.

I'm gonna text Blair real quick.

There we go.

All right. (clears throat)

‐What'd she say? ‐Well, she hasn't responded.

What? That's not like Blair. She usually texts right back.

All right. What about the little bubble things that show she's typing?

Zero bubbles. It's completely bubble‐less.

That's it. I'm calling Owen.

TV Announcer: They thought a lock on their door

would keep them safe.

The door's locked. Right?

Yeah.

TV Announcer: They were wrong.

Better safe than sorry.

(phone vibrates)

Owen would never not answer one of my calls.

That's why he's my emergency contact.

Do you think we should‐‐ Wait? Owen's your emergency contact?

Duh! He's the most responsible person I know.

‐What about me? ‐He and I have more history.

Okay, still stings.

Should we ask a neighbor to go check on the kids?

Great idea. I'll call Jake Maxwells.

His girlfriend just broke up with him,

‐so he's usually at home crying. ‐Rachel: All right.

TV Announcer: In the past,

Hank, whose weapon of choice was a meat hook,

would wait for his victims to fall asleep.

But now, he knocks right at their front door.

Turn it off! Turn it off!

(both sigh)

I wasn't scared or anything. It was just...

boring.

Totally. Soooo boring.

(pounding on door)

(both scream)

It's Hank the Hook Man from "The Fugitive Files"!

I'm freaking out here, man! He's totally gonna hook us!

‐We're as good as hooked! ‐You did this to us!

You made me break the rules. Now the universe is mad at us,

and it sent a raging lunatic to exact its revenge!

(pounding)

(both scream)

Arm yourself! We're not letting that dead‐eyed drifter

take us down without a fight!

Try to stay calm. Deep breaths.

Jake's checking on them.

‐(phone beeps) ‐That's him.

Hey, Jake.

What do you mean it looks like nobody's home?

That's it. We're headed back.

Keep your voices down. This is not a chain restaurant.

Save it, Pierre. Our kids need us.

I'm getting my money's worth.

(audience cheering)

‐How do you feel? ‐Suzi: Good.

‐We're good. ‐Now that I see it,

I'm like, "Oh, that's what it is."

But it's like, not seeing it, you're like, "What is this?"

(laughing)

♪♪

Only one more hour till they're home.

Barbeque sauce, locked and loaded.

Bring it on.

If everything's fine in there, I'm never yelling at them again.

Something's blocking it. Stand back.

‐(thuds) ‐(yells)

My arm! It's useless. We'll never get in.

(groans)

Military shoulders, don't fail me now!

(yelling)

Attack!

(squirting)

Byron: Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Hold your fire!

‐Dad? ‐Byron/Rachel: Kids?

Is this barbeque sauce?

Mm!

Why is this place such a wreck?

We thought you were Hank the Hook Man,

so... we set traps.

‐(foghorn blares) ‐(audience cheering)

‐(bell dings) ‐Host: Okay. This is the last vote.

What sort of trap did the kids make?

Lock in your choices.

So close! (laughs)

Is this not enough? Is this not enough?

Host: And let's go back to the scene.

Director: Action!

Is this barbeque sauce?

Mm!

Why is this place such a wreck?

We thought you were Hank the Hook Man,

so, we set traps.

(bell ringing)

Owen/Blair: No. Oh, no! No, no, no!

Both: Oh!

‐(splashing) ‐Owen/Blair: Oh!

(audience laughing)

‐(bell dings) ‐(audience cheering)

Blair: Uh‐oh.

You know, guys, that color looks great on ya.

Thanks.

Think of yourselves as modern art.

Oh. We forgot about one more surprise.

‐Oh, yeah. ‐(alarm blares)

‐(Blair gasps) Oh, no! ‐Oh, no! Oh, no!

Sorry!

(audience cheering)

I'm so sorry!

‐Byron: (laughs) Okay... ‐All right.

‐All right. ‐Okay.

We decided to go old school.

Yeah. You got into my military box, didn't you?

‐Yeah. ‐You know what?

I don't think we're quite ready to leave you two alone yet.

I don't think we're quite ready to be left alone yet, either.

Oh, that's good,

because you're both grounded until you're 18.

Audience: Oh!

‐And that's our show! ‐And that's our show!

♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪

(audience cheering)

♪♪

♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪

(cheering continues)

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