Original subtitles

Oh, don't eat that oatmeal. It's for Arty.

What, your brother's gonna eat all 28 packs?

No, it's not for eating.

It's for taking an oatmeal bath.

His dermatitis is flaring up.

Then why'd you get strawberries and cream?

I don't know. He's my brother. I wanted to treat him nice.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Don't eat that.

It's for your uncle's naked, rashy body.

Doctor Uncle has such sensitive skin.

You know, I don't understand

why we have to call him doctor and uncle.

He's a physical therapist.

Physical therapist to the stars.

One time F. Murray Abraham came in for a bum shoulder.

One time.

Meanwhile, they're very close.

He has photos of him all over his office.

Yeah, but, Mom, they're all copies of the same picture.

It's weird. It makes it seem like they were

only together one time, which they were.

Well, I put a few up in his room

just so that he feels more comfortable.

You know, as comfortable as he could feel with that dermatitis.

It's funny.

I don't ever remember Uncle Art not having a skin infection.

Let me tell you, I love your uncle.

He's great at what he does.

I mean, F. Murray, you can't top that.

But every time he visits us,

he takes over your mother's life.

I barely get a chance to see her.

That actually sounds kind of amazing.

It's so frustrating. He's in my house,

yet I'm the one who feels like a guest.

You're at my house, and both of you will be guests.

And eight days is way too long, even for family.

If you think that's long, try eight months.

There's such a thing called wearing out your welcome.

Anyway, there's no more room on the DVR,

so I deleted all your shows.

Good news!

We've got "Jeopardies!" to watch!

Why are there pictures of the guy from "Homeland"

in our guest room?

F. Murray Abraham?

That's my Uncle Art's best friend

who he's only met one time and sold a weird seat cushion to.

Oh, David!

Doctor Uncle is coming in tomorrow

at 9:15 at the airport.

I told him that you would pick him up.

You know what, why doesn't Joanna do it?

- Oh? - You know,

she has that special bond with Doctor Uncle.

- She does? - Oh!

You're such a good brother.

Oh, she's gonna be so happy.

I'll call her right now.

Uh, what was that shady little move?

Getting Joanna to do your dirty work?

- Oh, Mama like it? - No, Mama don't, Papa.

It's called little sistering,

and, yeah, I just little sistered Joanna good.

Seriously? You can't treat Joanna like that.

Babe, it's the way of the world.

Older siblings have been pawning stuff

they don't want to do off on younger siblings

for generations.

I guess being an only child,

I had no idea these kind of things happened.

Oh, yeah, that's the best part

- of being an older sibling. - Oh.

You know, that, and you don't grow up

to some self-obsessed weirdo

who's living in their own bubble.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

No offense. Love you!

Love you.

? ?

Oh, hi, Rebecca!

I have a favor to ask you.

Pretend you don't speak English.

My friend, Carol Bishop's, daughter, Lori,

just moved into town, and she doesn't have any friends.

So I thought that you could have lunch with her.

Fun, right?

Deb, I never get to have lunch with the friends I already have.

So your schedule is clear. Oh, thank you, Rebecca!

STEW: Hey, Deb.

- Oh, yeah? - I-I just got a text.

Arty's on his way. Joanna's driving him?

- Yeah, so? - Well, you know how much I love

driving to the airport.

Why would you squander my gift?

Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Well, maybe you could take him back for the return flight.

Oh, the return flight run.

Huh, the bastard cousin of the airport pickup.

It's okay.

Just make the best of the cards you're dealt, Stewie.

Mwah, love you.

Oh, Rebecca, I'll text you Lori's number.

Fun fact, she went to Northwestern, and she's 37.

How is that a fun fact?

My mom doesn't know what that expression means.

The other day she called me and said,

"Fun fact, my friend Lisa has early-onset dementia."

That's not a fun fact. That's just sad news.

I can't believe I have to have lunch with a person

I don't know just so she can get credit with some Carol.

Yeah, well, that's my mom's thing.

She's always volunteering her family

to do annoying favors for her.

It's called being "Mominated."

I don't want to be Mominated.

I want to watch "Housewives" and eat that strawberry oatmeal

I've been eyeing in the cabinet.

The good new is my mom is actually thinking of you

as part of the family.

I thought I already was part of the family.

Well, if you don't want to be Mominated,

just little sister Joanna.

That's how I got out of picking up Art from the airport.

I'd say 75% of my little sistering

comes after I've been Mominated.

I couldn't do that. She's not my little sister.

Yes, she is, through marriage. You've been grandfathered in.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello, family!

Arty, how are you?

Oh, I couldn't be worse.

Traffic was terrible. Don't get me started on the flight.

I'm 10 minutes into watching "The Shape of Water,"

when the flight attendant comes on the loudspeaker,

"Is there a physical therapist in the house?"

Somebody's back was cramping up.

It happens all the time now,

seats being so close together like they are.

Well, I didn't open my mouth.

I mean, who needs that liability?

Hey! Need a hand with these bags?

Yeah, maybe with this heavy one.

Uncle Art said it's filled with 5-pound dumbbells

and canned peaches because he has a hard time

finding his favorite brand.

Thanks, Beccs.

Anything for my little sis.

Aw! You've never called me that before.

We are sisses!

Should we come up with, like, a song

or get traveling pants?

I don't know how this works.

We'll learn together.

But in the meantime,

I have a really cool opportunity for you.

There's this girl I know who you would absolutely

be best friends with.

Huh.

You know, I just realized,

she's actually the daughter of one of your mom's friends.

I think you two are really going to hit it off.

I'll text you the number.

- Cool. - Yeah.

- Well, thanks, sis. - Oh, yeah.

I'm the best.

Okay. You want to grab the other end of this...

Rebecca?

Oh, Arty, it's so great to have you here.

Well, you might be seeing a lot more of me

because I'm expanding my physical therapy practice

to right here in Stamford.

Isn't that exciting?

C-Can you look at my elbow?

I'm sorry. I'm not on the clock right now, Joanna.

All right. I've got to go look at office spaces.

Deb, do you have those listings for me?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I found at least 40 or so,

but that's just one neighborhood.

We can even go now if you want to.

Oh, that's perfect. Okay.

Give me a minute. I'm just gonna go upstairs,

crack open a can of peaches, and scratch myself.

Deb, I thought you were gonna come with me

to Sharper Image today and pretend to shop for an hour

while I sit in the massage chair.

Sweetie, can't we do that tomorrow?

Sure.

I need her help, too, you know.

Come on, Arty. We're leaving.

David, you should come with us and look at the office space.

Give us your expert opinion.

As much as I'd love to look at office space on my one day off,

I really think Joanna should do it. She's better at it.

That makes no sense, David. You're the contractor.

You look at real estate for a living.

All right. Come on. I've got this app

that makes nature sounds for the ride.

First up, frozen waterfall.

It's just silence.

Can you believe him,

trying to pawn off his annoying chore on me?

He's a monster.

I need at least 3,000 square feet.

Then why did we come here?

The square footage was on the listing.

Oh, I thought they were lying.

You know, like online dating.

You know, they say they're blond,

but they're always brunets.

What dating sites are you on?

All right. Okay, maybe this place will work out,

but is the building in good shape?

I mean, look how high some of these doors are!

And they're so tiny!

Uncle Art, that's a cabinet.

Look, we should be using David for what he's good at.

Sweetie, you've got to go under the building.

Check the plumbing. Check the electrical.

Oh, and the rat situation.

I mean, you can't have too many,

but if you don't have any, I get suspicious.

We'll be across the street

doing what we enjoy best together...

- Complaining? - BOTH: Getting sushi.

Oh, and, David, be careful in the crawl spaces, sweetie.

- It's spider season. - Oh, that reminds me.

I'm gonna get a spider roll.

I thought you should know.

? ?

Oh, geez. What happened to you?

I was Mominated to give a free building inspection

while Uncle Art and Mom got sushi.

Oh, that is just outrageous.

- Thanks, Dad. - They get sushi.

They don't even invite me?

I mean, here I am.

I take him into my own home...

- My own home. - ... and what do I get?

A son full of spider bites,

and a belly empty of spider rolls!

Uh-huh.

Lori Bishop, you are incorrigible.

Mom's friend's daughter.

Yeah, I'd love to go sailing.

Carol's daughter has a boat?

S'mores pizza,

where the marshmallow is the cheese?

That does sound good.

Lori works at the lab where they come up with the foods

for Trader Joe's.

Uh, I don't know about mac and cheese ice cream,

but I'm willing to try it.

Why did you let me little sister Joanna?

I'm the one who should be lounging on a catamaran

eating Candy Cane Joe-Joe's

even though Christmas is 6 months away.

Relax.

The beauty of little sistering

is that it's not just about what you pawn off on them.

It's what you take back for yourself, too.

Really?

Are you really sure

that's how you want to treat your family, David?

Absolutely. No questions asked.

Okay.

Well, just so you know, that's the kind of behavior

that leads people to get sushi without other people.

? ?

All right, overall, the place is great,

and honestly, five rats, that's a perfect number.

But I'm sorry.

I think that we should be looking at other places.

Oh, here, here. I already made a new list for you.

Yeah, can you arrange them in order of distance?

Okay, here, we're ping-ponging all over the place.

Okay, yes. You're absolutely right.

I'll fix it, Arty.

Oh, David. You're better at this.

Can you fix it?

You've been all over me this week,

and, no, I have real work to do.

Oh, I'm amazed at how much you can juggle.

Millennials!

All right. Listen,

I'm going to go comb the parking lot for hunchbacks.

- Okay? - Okay, Arty.

Fun fact, isn't he the best?

I'd do anything for him.

Yeah, and he'd make you do anything for him.

Oh, my God.

That's why you're Mominating me more than usual.

That's why Dad is freaking out.

Uncle Art has been little sistering you.

He's what?

Little sistering.

It's, like, you know when an older sibling

pawns off the things they don't want to do

onto a younger sibling?

Like how when Nana died,

Uncle Art made you go down there

and clean out her Palm Beach condo.

And then when Grandpa died,

Uncle Art made you go down there

and clean out his Palm Beach Volvo?

I don't think he's little sistering.

I-I like helping him.

He's my big brother.

That's what he wants you to think.

I know because I'm a big brother.

And guess who's doing all the work?

You, the little sister!

Hm.

Maybe you're right.

I mean, it wouldn't kill him to do his own freaking research!

I cannot believe I've never put this together.

My big brother is taking advantage of me.

Yes, which in turn makes you take advantage of me.

Honey, this isn't about you right now.

- Lori? - Yeah.

Hi. I'm Debbie Klein's daughter-in-law, Rebecca.

I know you were expecting Joanna again, but she couldn't make it.

I don't know a Joanna.

But you had lunch with her a few days ago?

You let her try never-before-tasted Trader Joe's snacks.

What's Trader Joe's?

Oh, my God.

Y-You don't have a boat, do you?

No. Oh, wait!

I do have a canoe, but we'll have to sit over the holes.

It's a long story.

I should get started because I have to leave in four hours.

Oh, okay.

Joanna!

What the hell?

You played me!

Oh, Rebecca, how was your awesome lunch

with the coolest person in the world, Lori?

Lori doesn't work for TJ's or have a catamaran.

She has TMJ and a cut on her hand.

I never said catamaran.

But that's what you get for little sistering me!

When did you know?

Oh, I knew from the beginning.

I can smell little sistering a mile away.

I've been battling Dave for years.

I was just so excited to finally be a big sister,

and I got mad with big sister power.

I'm so ashamed.

Don't blame yourself.

This is a structural problem.

I mean, we live in a world where little sisters are oppressed.

It runs generations deep.

I want to be an ally and stop the older sibling behavior

that perpetuates the cycle.

It starts with Dave.

I know we've been over and over this, Stewie,

but I've got to give it one more try.

No, I need this to be perfect.

Does this wall seem "F."-able to you?

Should I "F." this wall?

Arty, we've been doing this for an hour.

There are other important things going on.

You promised we'd go over airport routes,

Merritt Parkway, Frontage Road, 95.

I don't even know if you're checking in online

or at the kiosk. There are decisions to be made!

You little sistered me!

What? Little sistered?

Your entire visit, you have been passing off

all of your to-do list on me, and I've had it!

All right. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

I'm confused.

I thought that we were having a great time,

like that time I made you leave all those negative Yelp reviews

about that waiter at the Korean barbecue restaurant

because he was being so rude to me,

and it just turned out that he was deaf.

So then I had to open a Yelp account

to defend him and argue with you,

and then you had to delete your account

to make it look like I had won.

Do you remember?

Do you remember?

You remember?

That was fun!

That was not fun!

And now I'm angry just thinking about it!

And I'm angry, too.

I had no idea you were getting Korean barbecue.

Deb, Deb, this isn't like you.

Where is this coming from?

Well, David and I were talking and...

Oh, oh, oh, okay. All right.

Say no more.

You're not mad at me.

You've been convinced to feel this way.

By my David?

Yep.

You've been Baby Boy'd.

- Baby Boy'd? - Yes.

That's when a baby boy convinces his mommy

that his feelings are her feelings.

But they're not?

Oh, he's good.

You Baby Boy'd me!

- What? - Oh, don't pretend you don't know

what Baby Boying is.

You might as well be sucking on a bottle

and playing with your rattle!

I was happy taking care of my brother

until you threw a wrench into everything!

- By Baby Boying! - That's not a term.

It's a term!

Can everybody just please get out of my space?

- I'm trying to work on my blueprints. - Quit deflecting.

I could spot a Baby Boying a mile away.

I practically invented the move!

I've been Baby Boying since I was a young male toddler.

Did you tell Rebecca to little sister me?

Can everybody just stop yelling at me?

Don't deny it! Turning sisters against one another?

Have you no shame?

David, isn't that what you accused Uncle Arty

of doing to me?

Doctor Uncle, respect.

You would actually baby boy your mother

into thinking she was being little sistered

while you were advocating a little sistering for yourself?

- [GASPS] - Fine!

Maybe I did baby boy,

and maybe I did tell you to little sister,

but it's only because you would not stop Mominating me!

Mominating?

- Is that even a term? - Oh, yeah.

That is exactly what you do.

When I have kids, you will never catch me Mominating.

Don't criticize your mother

by telling her you'll never be like her!

That's Daughtering!

That is not a term.

Stop Sonsplaining, David.

I'll stop Sonsplaining when she stops Mominating!

Okay. All right. I'm confused, all these terms.

- Deb, make a chart! - Okay, Art.

David, make a chart.

Okay, Joanna, make a chart.

What the hell?

Have none of you learned anything?

Uh, you know, from my perspective...

Can you take your foot off the Restoration Hardware, please?

... I see all the family dynamics that are going on here.

Deb Mominates you kids because she's proud

- and wants to show you all off. - It's true.

Rebecca little sisters Joanna

because they are as close as real siblings now.

And Dave could baby boy his mother

because she loves him dearly.

No one meant to hurt anyone, although Arty could stand

to demand a little less of his sister.

Arty, I'd like my wife back, please.

Fair enough.

Deb, I'm sorry I treated you the way I did.

- I'll do better. - Oh, thank you, Arty.

And, Rebecca, I'm sorry.

I'll be more considerate next time

I ask you to do me a favor.

Oh, thank you, Deb.

And, Joanna, I'm sorry.

I promise to treat you like my sister in the good ways.

Thank you, Rebecca.

And, Dave, I'm not sorry for anything

because I've done nothing wrong.

Thank you, Joanna.

And, Rebecca, I'm sorry I brought you into this family.

Point is, we all just want what's best for each other,

but what do I know?

I'm just a middle child uniquely poised to see every angle

because I'm smack in the center of it all.

Middle child?

Well, that explains why he's so needy.

So how many times did you little sister me through the years?

Oh, I wouldn't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to.

That's why I never asked F. Murray what the F stands for.

Oh, Rebecca, that reminds me, Fran Murray Silverstein,

her daughter is thinking about going blonde.

I thought maybe you could give her some advice.

I have 42 pictures for you to look at.

- Deb, hey, you're doing it again. - Hm, what?

Mominating.

- Oh. - No, it's okay.

It's worth it to be part of such an amazing family.

It's an honor just to be Mominated.

Oh, Rebecca, you're the best.

Fun fact, I didn't like you when we first met.

? ?

Ah, well.

I think that might be my best airport drop-off yet!

Honestly, it was remarkable!

Not too early. Not too late.

And the way that you just merged onto Route 6...

- Oh, merging! Merging! - ... it was seamless!

- Oh, merging. - You, sir, you're an artist.

- Oh, well. - No, and not once

did I ever get the sun in my eyes.

That was by design.

Sir, it's been a pleasure.

Oh, believe me, the pleasure is mine, Doctor Uncle.

Oh, come on, such a terrific drop-off.

You don't have to call me Doctor Uncle.

Just call me Doctor.

That's weird.

I never noticed that tower restaurant before,

and I would have noticed it

because I love restaurants that spin.

You know, you've got the dinner rolls and the ankle rolls.

I call it a working dinner.

What are you talking about?

That restaurant has been there since 1983.

When's the last time you flew out of Newark?

Newark?

You're supposed to drop me off at Westchester County!

Can I still call you doctor?

No!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0