Original subtitles

(MAN SCATTING)

(SIREN WAILING)

Will you quit tailgating me? I got no place to pull over!

(SIREN CONTINUES)

All right, hotshot, what's the big deal?

You saw I had no room to pull over there...

Mr. Spaulding.

Golly, I didn't know it was you. Did you buy a new ambulance?

A shiny penny. A foundation for your future.

Thank you! Thank you, son.

Here, let me help you. Here we go.

That's it. Take it easy now.

Easy, easy. Easy, fella! All right, here we go.

All right, easy first step. All right, folks, outta the way!

Everybody outta the way! Come on now! Don't gawk.

This is Mr. Spaulding coming through.

Come on, Mr. Spaulding. There you go.

That's it. Easy. Don't gawk, folks!

Here we are.

A shiny new penny!

A foundation for your future.

(LAUGHS)

That's Mr. Spaulding! (CHUCKLES)

All right, here we go. Easy.

That's old Charley Spaulding. I bet he owns half the city.

This way, Oliver. Here you go.

Okay, you got him? Okay.

Have a nice flight, Mr. Spaulding!

Keep it smooth, Max.

Hey, uh, you're making a kind of a mistake there, fella.

I... I'm with City Hall. Accounting?

That's my office right over there.

Nice and close to everything. Yeah.

Is this your right name? Hollis A. Figg?

Yeah, that's correct.

You see, you and me both work on the same team, kinda.

You know, birds of a feather in the same bush,

if you get what I mean.

I sure do.

Yeah. (BOTH LAUGHING)

Tuesday, 9:00. Traffic court.

(MUTTERS ANGRILY) What was that?

I don't chew my cabbage twice!

(THUD)

Now, I've been concerned lately

about having four bookkeepers downstairs

who might accidentally find out

that we've been dipping into the city till.

Really, sir, a little price fixing here, a little manipulating there,

you could hardly call that dipping.

You can call it what you like!

We're plundering the people daily,

and we better not forget it.

Now, let's review the deal.

We fire the three accountants downstairs and keep the dumbest one.

What's his name?

Uh, Figg. Hollis Alexander Figg.

How dumb is this Figg?

"Hollis Alexander Figg, 34, male, Caucasian.

"Graduated Dalton Union High with D-plus average.

"Flunked Latin three times, flunked biology twice,

"a B average in mathematics, D average in Spanish,

"dropped French because it hurt his sinuses,

"flunked feminine hygiene in which he enrolled by mistake." (SNORING)

Uh, Mr. Spaulding?

Mr. Spaulding?

B average in mathematics!

That could kill us, you poophead!

Well, he has to be able to run the computer,

and if you got it for $5,000, it's obviously secondhand.

Robert, tell him to sit down.

Kermit, sit down. Oh.

First of all, one of you poopheads

see that we get some newspaper coverage on this.

We're making ourselves look good

by purchasing a computer in the best interest of our citizens.

But the computer only knows

what the dummy Figg lets it know,

and Figg only knows what we let the dummy know.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (CASH REGISTER DINGS)

All right, Lester, you can have table five over there.

You can't give him table five!

That's Holl's table.

If Hollis gets here on time, he can have table five.

If he's late, he has to take what he can get.

Hey, he's here!

You were gonna give our table away,

and he was here all the time.

HOLLIS: Excuse me. I have a reservation.

Excuse me, I'm with City Hall. I have a reservation.

Will you stop saying the same thing over and over?

I would have been here sooner,

but some smart cop gave me a ticket.

To what? The traffic pokey.

I'll switch Lester to table eight. Come on.

Gee, didn't he recognize you, Holl?

Oh, don't worry, one call to Sanderson,

that cop will be walking a beat over in Cass County.

Boy, I wished I had graft over at City Hall like you do.

Not graft, Pren. Pull.

Ah, I hear you girls are gonna get yourselves

caught in an alley tonight, huh, Grace?

We'll survive. (LAUGHTER)

Golly, Holl, where do you get junk like that?

Making a bowling alley sound like something scary.

We'll take it easy on you tonight, so don't panic.

You're scaring me to death.

(MOUTHS WORDS)

(GIGGLES)

Gotcha again, Ema Letha.

I couldn't imagine who it could be.

Hey, did you know your ketchup bottles are all clogged up again?

Better call the Roto-Rooter man.

(ALL LAUGH)

I'm so worried about the bowling match tonight, Hollis.

It'll be my first time in league competition.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I'll give you a few pointers when we get there.

(EMA LETHA GASPS)

While you're about it,

why don't you splash a little mustard on me, Pren?

Oh, you poor thing!

Here, let me get that.

Oh!

Does that feel damp against your skin?

No, that's okay. I'm wearing an undershirt.

If I had my reading glasses on,

I wouldn't have to get this close.

Well... (CLEARS THROAT) We all have flaws.

There.

I'm telling ya, Holl. She's got the yearns for ya.

Like that time Alec Guinness and Ingrid Bergman

were horsing around the Riviera,

and she rubbed his clavicle with coconut butter.

This is just lunch.

You ought to see her operate around me when I come in for supper.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, boy!

(WHIRRING)

(SKIDDING)

(THUDS)

(SIGHS) Well, we cheated death again, Max.

Step up, please, Mr. Mayor.

Thank you, Max. Thank you. (STRAINING)

Oh, uh, that's the man.

(CHUCKLING) Mr. Mayor.

Mr. Sanderson, gentlemen.

What's the name, again?

Figg. Hollis Figg.

ROBERT: Oh, Mr. Figg. Hold it, Max!

(MACHINERY CLANKS) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

Uh, were you speaking to me, Mr. Mayor?

Yes, Figg.

Down, Max. Fast!

(SCREECHES AND THUDS)

Uh, yes, Mr. Mayor?

Well, I just wanted to make you aware, Mr. Figg,

of some changes that are about to take place.

Up, Max.

(MACHINERY CLANKS) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

HOLLIS: More! More!

Uh, changes? What changes, Mr. Mayor?

Well, I think they'll interest you a lot, Figg.

Give me that handle!

(SCREECHES AND CRASHES)

Oh, he's perfect.

(METAL CLANKING)

Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor?

(GRUNTS ANGRILY) I'll walk, Max!

(CHIMING)

Some romance.

Every day at 4:00, he flaps the shade up and down.

I think it's sweet.

Is that all you two ever do? He flaps and you wave?

Uh-huh.

Well, I hope you're on the pill.

Hollis!

Hollis!

Oh, Hollis!

Oh, Hollis!

Hollis can't come out and play!

Huh?

I'm just tryin' to tell you

to quit hollering up at me like I was nine years old, for cat's sake.

Come on up, Pren!

(HURRIED FOOTSTEPS)

Look, Holl, I got my new chrono-nomen-ometer watch

from Switzerland, Pennsylvania.

And it tells the date and the year, and the phrase of the moon,

And it's got a zodiac dial, plus, it alarms!

Listen to that thing, Holl.

(BUZZING AND SQUEAKING) Ah! Oh!

I just thought I'd come by the house and see if my watch came.

Hey, how come you're limping, Holl?

Oh, stupid iron fell on my stupid toe.

I may never walk again.

Well, it can't hurt that much. You had your shoe on.

Don't tell me how much my own toe hurts.

Well, if it's that wrecked, put it in coffee.

In coffee?

Yeah, this friend of mine always sticks his toe in coffee.

You see, the heat draws out the pain,

and the caffeine keeps his toe awake.

You want me to make some coffee, Holl?

If you say one more dumb thing

like coffee keeps this guy's toe awake,

I'm gonna break your bike.

Well, it does, Holl.

Swell.

Anyway, if I don't bowl too good tonight, you'll know why.

You gotta bowl good, Holl! Ema Letha'll be there.

Besides, you can't let a bunch of girls beat the City Civ's.

Oh, this just isn't my day.

First I get a ticket,

then Sanderson catches me flapping signals

at Ema Letha, and now this. (SOBS)

Well, there's always a bright side, Holl.

I mean, if they fire you,

maybe I can swing you a job in the sanitation department.

I hear there's an opening in garbage.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(ENGINE BACKFIRING)

Cut that out, Frankie!

He's just a kid, Holl!

Well, he's gonna be a dead kid!

I'm gonna come down there and shove your carburetor up your overdrive!

You hear me, Frankie Passarelli?

(ENGINE IDLING)

That's better!

(ENGINE REVS)

All right, let's go get this bowling deal over with.

Hey, neat! You ain't limping anymore.

Oh, just because a man controls his pain,

doesn't mean he isn't limping on the inside.

Looks like the old toe is just not gonna hold up under the pressure.

Took you only two minutes and eight seconds

to throw the first ball down the gutter,

wait for it to come back, throw the second ball,

only hit one pin and walk back to here, Holl.

They been sanding that lane again.

Maybe you'd better take a couple of extra practice shots, Hollis.

We can't have a girls' team beating us.

All right. All right. Don't worry about it.

CHRIS: Mama Mia! They've got a new one!

Oh!

Hello, Hollis!

Oh, nice shot, Figg.

You must be just great skipping rocks across a lake.

(LAUGHS) Hi, I'm Chris Groat.

You must be Snow White, and I'm a prince turned into a frog.

Give me a kiss.

All right. Let's not get obscene, fella.

(CLEARS THROAT) Hi, Ema Letha. Hi, Holl.

Uh, you girls can go ahead and warm up.

And don't worry, we'll take it easy on ya. (CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah.

Hollis, you were limping just now.

Oh, that's just a little metatarsal trouble.

Oh.

Hey, you guys wanna hear something real weird?

Right this very minute, it's low tide in Singapore.

Keep score, Pren!

(SHRIEKING)

(SHRIEKING)

It's all up to you, Hollis.

This is the big one. You can do it.

Go ahead and shoot, Holl. I've got the watch on ya.

Let's give it the old concentration, boy!

All right. All right.

WOMAN: Hollis!

(GROANING)

It's either the whole forest, or they win, old buddy!

I think Holl does real good for a guy with a busted toe,

a rotten backswing, and no curve ball.

(EMA LETHA GIGGLING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

What's he doing?

(GRUNTING)

Let go of it, you ninny!

Don't tell me! Here, gimme that!

Will you stop making such a spectacle out of a stuck ball?

If we don't get this thing off, we forfeit the whole game

and get ribbed for six months!

(YELLS) Figg's got his damn finger stuck in the damn ball!

How about letting Chris take his shot?

Not on your life!

If Hollis doesn't bowl, we win.

Then it's your game.

You happy? Happy? Good! Does it hurt?

Okay, I blew the game! You wanna make something of it?

No, not tonight.

I've got other things on my mind.

I know a way to get it off!

Hot coffee, I suppose?

Why not pour hot olive oil over your fingers?

Hot olive oil? Or maybe talcum powder, huh?

Come on, you guys, help me get this thing off his hand.

Don't hurt him!

(ALL SHOUTING)

EMA LETHA: Hollis!

All right, now. You're gonna take that thing home

and soak the whole works in something!

All right! (WOMEN LAUGHING)

Oh, no, you don't! Oh, no, you don't!

You ain't leaving here with Majestic Lanes' property!

Huh? That's an $18 ball.

Well, what do you expect me to do, cut off my hand?

That ball is not gonna leave the premises!

Hold it, hold it, I've got it! Come on now!

Follow me! Come on!

I'll get it off, don't worry. I'll get it off, don't worry.

EMA LETHA: Hollis!

(ALL CHATTERING AND LAUGHING)

Get in here! Now, stick it in there!

You're kidding! Circulating water will loosen anything.

Now! (TOILET FLUSHES)

You're gonna get me all wet! (GRUNTS)

Here's a bib, Holl.

What... You idiot!

Keep it in there!

It's not working!

It'll work! It'll work!

Everybody out!

What are you women doing in the men's room?

You're not allowed in here! Out! Out!

(ALL CHATTERING)

You people are all nuts!

We were just trying to get the ball off.

Yeah, your precious ball! What am I supposed to do?

I'll tell you what you're gonna do.

You're gonna leave a deposit! That's what you're gonna do.

Okay, okay! Anything, just to get out of this...

I'll do it, Hollis.

There!

I'll come home with you and help you get that dumb thing off.

Let's go!

All right, what are you standing around for?

Break it up! Everybody!

Turn in your shoes and everything you put on deposit!

Maybe I ought to turn this into a shuffleboard court.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, welcome to chez Figg.

(CLEARS THROAT) What do you think of it?

It's real cute!

Well, it's just one of those bachelor pads you read about.

Uh, I suppose that's the kitchen.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Don't you want to get the ball off?

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, it can wait.

I mean, why don't we have a cup of coffee or something?

But it must be terribly uncomfortable.

Well, yeah... Yeah, but the thing is...

I mean, once you get the darn thing off,

then you'll probably go right home.

Maybe I won't.

(CHUCKLES)

First, we'll try soap and water.

(CLEARS THROAT) Ema Letha?

Can I... Well, would you mind if I say something?

Well, uh...

What... What is it, Hollis?

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, uh...

Nobody...

Glides across the floor with a tray the way you do.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Thank you, Hollis.

Did you ever see old Agnes with a tray?

She looks like a tackle with the rams.

She goes like this.

(LAUGHS)

But here's you, just...

I've never seen anything like it.

Thank you, Hollis.

Uh, oh, try to get the bowling ball off now.

Ema Letha?

Uh...

Well, if I had ever asked you for a date,

would you have gone?

Well, of course.

Because of me, personally, or because of my position with the city?

You, of course.

Really?

Really!

(POP) (BALL THUD)

(SCREAMS) Oh!

(ENGINE REVVING AND BACKFIRING)

Girls take you last night?

That's for me to know and you to find out.

(CLANKS)

(SKIDS AND CRASHES)

Step down, please.

(RAPID BEEPING)

(BELL DINGING)

Wait, wait, wait! Hold it! Hold it!

Hold it! Wait! Hold it! Wait!

Hold it! Hold it!

(BEEPING AND DINGING STOPS)

I'm really very sorry.

Quite all right, Figg.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, this is Mr. Figg.

Mr. Hollis A. Figg.

And he's going to operate our computer for us.

Me? I don't know the first thing about this.

You see, the city is not only saving money,

but we're moving right ahead into the space age all at the same time.

Now, perhaps, you'd like to take a little group picture

of all us here with the Mach 40, mmm?

Yeah, you just go right ahead.

Oh, Figg. Figg. No, no, no, no.

Figg, I want you... You get right in the picture, too.

There we are. Thank you. Thank you, gentlemen.

Thank you very much. Thank you all.

Will you look at this mess? Why did you touch it?

I'm really very sorry, Mr. Sanderson.

Uh, excuse me, but, uh...

What happened to Wilson and Nardini and Peterson?

They're gone.

I mean, they're gone in the interests

of better municipal government, you understand.

Huh. Well, how come I'm still here?

Uh, well, let's just say we know our personnel, Figg.

I'll be back later this morning,

and I'll teach you how to operate this.

Oh, Mr. Sanderson?

Uh, will that picture they just took really be in the paper?

God, look at old Holl standing there

big as life with all them high muckety-mucks at City Hall.

(CHUCKLES)

This is congratulations from the fry cook and the bus boys

and all us girls. (GIGGLING)

Boy, when you people want to make a person feel good,

you really don't mess around.

Hey, can I blow out the candle, Holl?

Sure, go ahead. Oh, boy!

WOMEN: Oh!

Oh, Hollis. Let me get that.

Uh, Ema Letha, I think this is one I'd better handle myself.

(BEEPING)

(BELL DINGS)

Wrong! (CHUCKLES)

You see that, Leo? You blew it.

I added these figures up by hand,

and I'm not only faster than you, I'm smarter than you are.

Hey, is that the computer?

Yeah, that's Leo.

Holy alabreevo!

That's more complicated than that triple-decker cash register

over at the fuel store.

Yeah, maybe so, but it just now blew

a simple problem in fractions that any fifth grader...

Wait a minute.

Sorry, Leo, You were right and I was wrong.

Does he talk, too?

Course not! Machines don't talk.

My radio does!

And it sings, and it plays the guitar.

Don't you have to take that trash to the furnace?

Sure, only, it just knocks me out

the way you run this computer, Holl.

Huh! I can't believe I got me a friend that's so brainy!

(CHUCKLING) Well, would you like to see me run it?

Hey, yeah! All right, what you do

is you take any set of figures, like, uh...

Now, I never seen any of this stuff before

because this comes from the tax commissioner's office upstairs, right?

Yeah, throws out high-class trash.

Yeah. Okay, come here.

Now, this is the keypunch right here, see?

This is where I transfer all the figures

and the information from these papers into Leo.

All right.

There. Now, when I punch this button,

in less than a minute, we'll get our answer

right over there in the memory bank.

Shall I time the action, Holl?

Sure, go ahead. Ready?

(RAPID BEEPING)

Lordinsi!

Yeah. Now you see?

All the information that's in these papers

is stored right there in the memory bank.

Now, you see the costs and returns on the city's new road?

Now, that would take me an hour to add that stuff up,

and you know I'm fast, you know that.

You sure are, Holl.

(GURGLING) (BELL DINGS)

Nine seconds flat.

Yeah, now take a look at this.

The city got paid $750,000 for that half a mile of road,

and it only cost them $500,000.

(CHUCKLES) Hey, that's what I call efficiency in government.

Yeah, that sure is, Holl.

Yeah, but what happened to the money that's left over?

No, no. You don't understand.

You see, the city got three-quarters

of a $1 million prime payment

on a road that costs a half a million.

We're talking gross contractual dividends as against net.

Yeah, only I get the feeling

there's a quarter of a million missing.

What's the matter with you?

Look, you got three-quarters of million dollars over here.

You got a half a million dollars over here.

Do you know about credits and debits and all that fiduciary stuff?

Uh-uh, all I know is,

what happened to the quarter of a million?

Do I come down to your department and tell you what to do with garbage?

Message received and noted.

Anyway, it's all too deep for me.

See ya later. All right.

Morning, Mr. Mayor. Morning.

Uh, ordinarily, I wouldn't bother you with stuff like this,

but Mr. Sanderson was out playing golf or something.

Oh... (STUTTERS)

Never too busy for my confreres here in the City Hall.

(CHUCKLES) Well, swell.

Uh, well, the thing is,

I think there's something weird

going on with the Bellinger Road project.

Now, I ran this information through Leo three times, and it comes out

that there's a quarter of a million dollars missing.

Uh, you okay, Mayor?

(MUTTERS)

You said you think.

You said you don't know for sure.

But you just said that you think.

Well, yeah, but Leo says that the city took in

a half a million, but charged...

Leo says! (LAUGHS)

My dear boy, you must never believe

what people say about politicians.

Leo's the computer.

Now, these letters came right out

of the tax commissioner's office, so they must be right.

Don't you think we ought to notify the authorities?

No, no, no, no, no.

Well, I am the authorities, and you just told me.

Do you think there's something crooked going on?

No! No, no, no.

We just have to be very careful

about starting any rumors.

We have got to check this whole thing out.

Well, I guess that's why you're the mayor, and I'm just the bookkeeper. (CHUCKLES)

Control under adversity.

Right. Now, what I want you to do,

you go back to your office and wait for my call,

and don't say anything to anyone about what we discussed in here.

Oh, heck no. I mean, a rotten thing like this

ought to be kept right here in City Hall.

Right. Now, you... You go to your office and wait for my call.

Go to my office and wait for your call.

Right. Right.

Oh, uh, what if I have to, uh...

You know, down the hall.

I'd rather you didn't. Right.

It's for the city. Yeah, for the city.

(THUD)

Poopheads!

All right.

I warned you about that B average, but you wouldn't listen.

Sanderson here, somehow, let him get hold of papers

right out of his own office.

Uh, Mr. Spaulding, I assure you...

SPAULDING: Tell him to stop assuring me.

He assured me once before, and now we're in the soup.

That... That's quite right.

Don't assure Mr. Spaulding, Kermit.

You assured him once before, and now we're in the soup.

We... We may just use this thing as a little insurance.

Where's this Figg now?

He's in his office, waiting for my call.

Call him.

Wh... What will I say?

I'll tell you what to say to him!

Quite right.

This may just be a blessing in disguise.

He's not only our insurance, he's our patsy.

You're so right...

He's on! He's on.

He's to go home tonight and say nothing to anyone, not even his mother.

Oh, now, Figg, you're to go home tonight

and don't say anything to anyone.

Not even your mother.

Tell him to be here bright and early in the morning.

We have a surprise for him.

Oh, Figg, now, you get here bright and early in the morning,

and we have a little surprise for you.

We, uh...

Just a second.

He wants to know if he can go to the men's room now.

Godfrey Daniel!

Can't you make any decision for yourself?

Yes, uh, Figg, you, um...

You go... You go right ahead.

Right ahead. (STAMMERING) But be care... Don't talk to anyone.

What's the surprise, Charley?

Has it got something to do with his being a patsy, or...

(SNORING) Charley?

I have a big meeting this morning, Max.

Take me up to the board room.

I only go to the floor. I don't go into the board room.

(CLANKING AND SCREECHING)

Come in! Come in, Mr. Figg.

You, of course said nothing to anyone, Mr. Figg?

Oh, no, sir. No, I took my phone off the hook,

and my mother lives in Cleveland.

Gentlemen, may I present to you

the man who saved the city of Dalton

a quarter of a million dollars

through his diligence and loyalty.

Well, I don't know what to say.

(CHUCKLES) Well, you shall be rewarded, Mr. Figg.

As a matter of fact, from this moment on,

you are going to occupy an office

right here on the third floor,

where we can keep an eye on you.

(SPAULDING CLEARS THROAT) Um...

Where we, who are loyal to the city, can all be together.

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, gentlemen, I, uh...

I just want to say that this is probably the finest thing

that ever happened to me, and, well, thanks a lot.

And I just hope you catch the contractors!

The... The contractors?

Very astute!

Mr. Figg knows that contractors are notorious thieves.

Yes, we should know that a man like you

would understand those matters.

Investigation. Yes, yes, the investigation.

In fact, all of the contractors are under investigation right now.

Oh, That's great! Great. You can't be too careful.

You know, I knew this fellow over in West Barjet,

and he used to be... Uh, Mr. Figg.

I'll show you to your new office, hmm?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Thank you, gentlemen. Thank you very much.

And thank you, Mr. Spaulding... (SNORING)

Mr. Spaulding?

Shh.

Come in. Come in, come in, come in, come in, Hollis.

Hollis, from this moment on, you are the consulting commissioner

to the municipal committee for consultive studies.

Consulting commissioner...

C.C.M.C.C.S.

Right. (BOTH LAUGH)

Here we go. Yeah.

Here we are.

I'm sorry, Hollis.

I... I'm afraid this is the best we can do on short notice.

Oh, well, sure.

I mean, I know how busy it can get up here on the third floor.

Excuse me, Mr. Mayor,

but exactly what does a C.C.M.C.C.S. do?

I'm gonna have them send up another picture of Lincoln right away.

That is an absolute disgrace.

Well, welcome aboard, Figg, and I'm sure we can trust your better judgment,

uh, concerning that other little matter, right?

Oh, right!

We'll all sit on that powder keg together.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Well, how about a little lunch later on? Huh?

Oh, lunch? For sure!

Heck, yeah. Look, my treat!

I'll take you to a great place.

Good, good, good. Good, good! (LAUGHING)

See ya later.

(CHUCKLES)

Good morning, Commissioner.

I'm your new secretary. My name is Glorianna Hastings.

Oh, well, I'm, uh... I'm your commissioner.

My name is Hollis Alexander Figg.

You, uh, take shorthand?

Pitman, 150 words a minute, and Gregg, 130 words a minute.

Hmm. That's very good.

Now, about the buzzer system,

do you prefer three buzzes for me, one for local,

and two for long distance, or do you prefer

one for me, two for local, and three for long distance?

And on correspondence, do you prefer an original and one,

an original and two or an original and three?

And in the morning, coffee, tea or milk?

With cream and sugar, cream without sugar,

sugar without cream or just straight black?

And do you prefer sweet rolls, donuts or prune Danish?

Oh, I think the, uh, prune Danish.

(CLICKS TONGUE) I like that in a man.

Uh, what's that? (CHUCKLES)

Quick decisions.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, um, I'll put this yellow paper in the right-hand drawer

because I would assume you're right-handed.

Yeah, that's right. (CHUCKLES)

Oh? Isn't that an interesting hand?

(CLEARS THROAT) You, uh, read palms?

Oh, it's very unusual for an executive.

What?

Such a strong hand. (CHUCKLES)

Well, that's my...

(CLEARS THROAT) Bowling hand.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Mmm.

Interesting life.

(LAUGHS) Naughty boy.

That is a marvelous hand,

and I'm sure we're just going to get along beautifully together.

I thought you knew, Figg, that in politics,

secretaries always accompany their employers

to be on hand just in case of sudden decisions.

Oh, that's okay by me, Mayor, but listen, about my car,

the backseat's just full of magazines, and it...

It... It's not here!

I think it is, Figg.

(CHUCKLING) We officials always get stuck with Cadillacs.

But if you like it, it's yours.

If I like it? Wow! It's a gas!

The keys are in it. Why don't you drive it, eh?

(CHUCKLING)

HOLLIS: Fasten your seat belts. (CHUCKLES)

(ENGINE STARTS)

Here we are!

HOLLIS: Uh, excuse us, please. Pardon me.

Excuse us. Mayor.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

(CHUCKLES) Hi, Ethel.

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT) My usual table, please.

Hello, Mr. Mayor. Hello.

See that the mayor gets a nice, clean menu.

Uh, right this way.

There you go.

(HOLLIS CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

All right, which one of you wanted the clean menu?

Oh, Mr. Mayor. We're honored to have you.

Yes, we sure are.

Oh, hi, Ema Letha.

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

Mr. Mayor, may I present Miss Ema Letha Kusic?

Waitress par extraordinaire, as they say.

Hello. How do you do?

Ema Letha, this is Glorianna Hastings,

my new secretary. Hmm.

They promoted me, Ema Letha.

I'm up on the third floor now.

Oh, Hollis! I think that's wonderful!

What do you do?

I'm a C.C.M.C.C.S.

Oh.

Filthy!

Sorry.

Excuse me. Hiya, Holl!

Hey, Holl, I'm sorry I'm late,

but the guys on the garbage truck...

Hey, ain't you the mayor?

Pren, the mayor and my secretary

and I are having sort of a private lunch.

I'm Prentiss Gates.

I work for the city, too. I'm in sanitation.

Anybody ever tell you you look like Rita Hayworth... (SNIFFING)

that time she was hauled out of the cave

by Dick Powell in Ravaged Lust?

(CLEARS THROAT) Pren, we're having a kind of a private lunch!

You know, business.

Message received and noted.

(CHUCKLES) Well, so long, Mr. Mayor. So long, Holl.

Right. So long, Miss Hayworth.

Don't take any alu-nunium dimes.

(CHUCKLING)

He's a character.

Well, what do you recommend today, Ema Letha?

Mmm. I served the tuna l'angois three times already,

and nobody's gotten nasty about it yet.

It would seem to me tuna would be a little dangerous

in a place like this.

Hollis eats here every day, and look at him.

I'll have the tomato juice in a clean glass, dear.

(CASH REGISTER DINGS)

Uh, are you sitting on that busted spring?

I mean, I can trade places with you. I can sit over there.

No, I'm fine, thank you.

(GASPS) Oh!

Ema Letha, for Pete's sake!

You can stay in a dump like this!

I'm leaving! I think we'd better go, Figg.

Yes, I'll be right with you, Mr. Mayor.

Did you do that on purpose? What if I did?

What do you mean, what if you did?

That's the mayor and my new secretary. Keep your voice down!

You heard what she said about the water glass.

Then you did do it on purpose! I didn't say I did.

I just said, "What if I did?"

It seems to me she's awfully chummy for a one-day secretary.

Well, she was sitting on a spring.

The way she's padded, how would she ever notice?

Just don't ever bring her in here again!

Maybe I won't, and maybe I won't come in myself either.

If that's the way you want it! That's the way I want it!

Then that's the way you got it! Goodbye, Hollis.

You sure that's the way you want it?

That's the way you got it.

Then goodbye!

And don't expect any more window-shade flapping from me, either.

More junk to sign? Mmm.

What do you do with all of it?

Oh, uh, it goes in a special file.

The red Xs. I know, I know.

What do I need a safety deposit box for?

Oh, well, um, all the commissioners have one.

But if you'd prefer not to...

No, that's all right.

You better start learning my moods, Miss Hastings.

You know, one of the first precepts

of good secretarying is learning of a guy's moods.

Yes, sir.

I'm complex, Miss Hastings. Real complex.

Miss Hastings?

Uh, Glorianna?

Would you, uh... Would you sit down for a minute?

Well, (CLEARS THROAT) the thing is, uh...

I mean, you being a woman and all,

and my mother living in Cleveland...

(SIGHS) Well, the fact is, I've got this problem.

Scorpio.

Well, that could be part of it, I guess.

I don't know too much about psychiatry.

Well, why don't you tell me about it?

Well, the fact is...

See, I had this fight with my girlfriend...

I think you know her, but we won't go into that now.

Anyway, I said a bunch of dumb things to her,

and I was just wondering, uh, should I call her

and apologize or should I wait for her to call me?

You see, when a man plays hard to get,

um, it makes a girl want him all the more.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Well, how about this? What if I wrote her a little note?

The best thing you can do is stay out of her life for a while.

Now, you said it yourself, I'm a woman.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Well, um, that's a woman's point of view.

Well, thank you, Glorianna.

Hollis, anytime I can be of help.

HOLLIS: You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go right over there and apologize

and take her home after work.

Well, uh, if you insist on doing it that way,

why don't you drop me off at my apartment first?

Uh, my car's being fixed.

Sure! Heck, yeah. Then I can go to the restaurant.

Come on. (CHUCKLES)

Well!

He certainly isn't out with the boys.

What? Oh...

All burglars, olly, olly, oxen-free.

I know it's silly of me,

but I just hate to go into my apartment alone.

(CHUCKLES) Come on in!

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, I... I can't stay.

I gotta go over and see Ema Letha. (CHUCKLES)

Well, you have time for just one drink, haven't you?

Well, to tell you the truth, I don't drink.

Oh? Well, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

I have something very mild, I'm sure you'll enjoy.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS THROAT) Gee, you have a real nice place here.

Thank you.

How do you do all this on your salary?

Um, Blue Chip stamps.

Well, cheers.

(CHUCKLES) Here's how we lost the farm.

(BOTH LAUGH)

That's not too bad.

Mmm-mmm.

(CLEARING THROAT)

(WHEEZING) Uh, thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you. That was very good.

I really have to be going now.

Oh, listen, don't run off.

Why don't you stay for a minute?

Well, I, uh...

No, put your hat in the closet and stay just a minute.

Well, okay, but I gotta go over

and pick up Ema Letha, you know.

Of course I can save a little time

by cutting over on Seventh Street.

She's not even expecting me.

That's the funny part of the whole thing.

(CHUCKLES) She's just, uh...

Oh, my, you do need another drink.

You're not kidding. (LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

This is good.

Mmm.

Ah!

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Is it a little warm in here, or is that me?

Oh, uh...

No, it is a trifle warm.

(CHUCKLES) Why don't you take off your jacket?

I don't mind. Doesn't embarrass me.

I got two sisters... In Cleveland.

(CHUCKLES)

Good old Cleveland. (CHUCKLES)

You know, we lived right over the left, uh...

Left field wall of the ball park.

And every time somebody hit a home run,

it would break one of our windows.

My mother used to say it gave her a "pane."

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'll just hang this up over here.

Shall I hang it up over in here?

Yes, that's... That's fine.

What is this? A zoo?

Oh, I have a lot of, um, uh, doting uncles.

Yeah!

Well, you sure... You really do.

It looks like a... Like a zoo in there.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Well, I gotta be going now.

I gotta go pick up, uh...

Lema Netha.

You want to know something?

What?

You are a very, very...

Nice person.

Hollis, I'm not...

I know, I know.

An executive and his secretary should never be caught

in any situation that could possibly be construed as being compromising.

Yes...

Yes.

Excuse me.

What'd you do?

I gotta...

I gotta go and pick up... What's her name?

She doesn't even know who I am.

(CAMERA WHIRRING)

(SIREN WAILING)

(SIREN APPROACHING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(THUD)

Say that again.

I said that our contact in the state capitol

said that the attorney general's office

is beginning to wonder about a few things.

They're beginning to wonder about that Bellinger Road business

and that Mercy Hospital deal.

They're even talking about checking on

all of our activities, and that's why I called you.

Any solutions, gentlemen?

Well, naturally, I haven't been standing still on this thing.

So, I have booked six tickets for Brazil...

All they have is suspicion.

Now, gentlemen, have you forgotten our insurance?

Figg?

Yes. Get that girl in here.

The one with the big mcguffies.

The time has come, gentlemen, to activate the insurance.

When they investigate, if they investigate,

we will have already caught the culprit.

All credit to us, all guilt to him.

Don't flash those at me, dearie.

Nothing's connected up anymore.

Is that on Figg? Yes, sir.

Get him.

How much, uh, does the attorney general's office suspect, Robert?

Well, they're beginning to question some of those contracts on the road,

and they wonder why we're building the hospital

with glazed brick instead of structural steel.

I wonder, Mr. Spaulding, if this is the time to...

Mr. Spaulding? (SPAULDING SNORING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh, uh, Mr. Spaulding?

KERMIT: Mr. Spaulding?

Mr. Figg is here.

You're not playing with children, Figg. Huh?

You know the old saying,

the best place to hide is right in the police station.

We gave you this position in innocent trust,

and you have abused it.

That's what hurts, Hollis. That's what really hurts.

Innocent trust? Wh...

Excuse me, Mayor.

I don't know what anybody's talking about.

Is that your signature?

Don't touch it! Just look.

It's evidence.

Uh, yes, sir, that's my signature, but...

Checks signed by you, made out to cash

and deposited in your private account.

$8,000, $9,000,

$22,000...

But I... Don't "but" me.

How did you save $70,000 in one month

on an $8,000-a-year salary?

Well, I... I got a refund on my income tax and...

You got $104.

And I get very good mileage on my...

Wait a minute! That's ridiculous.

Call in Miss McGuffie.

Evidence, Mr. Spaulding. Yeah.

(SNICKERS)

Just one simple question, Miss Hastings.

Did Mr. Figg buy you

and assorted extras?

Yes, sir.

Those coats came from doting uncles!

Please, Hollis... Uh, Mr. Figg.

Gentlemen, he did it out of the goodness of his heart.

You see, I... I'm an orphan, and...

And Hollis... Uh, Mr. Figg was very sweet to me.

I didn't want that fancy apartment, but Hollis insisted.

And, gentlemen, there were no strings attached.

That's because he's such a... A wonderful man.

Let us now take a look at Mr. Figg's safe deposit box.

(GLORIANNA GASPS)

Oh, Mr. Figg, how could you?

But... Wait a minute. She...

Now, wait a minute!

I never saw that money before in my life!

Must be $100,000 in there!

(HOLLIS STAMMERS)

But you're getting this all wrong.

All I did was...

Figg, the police department has been aware of your activities for some time now.

But I managed to keep it covered up.

You must understand we can no longer tolerate your sort

on the third floor. Yeah, but my gosh!

You'll be released pending trial, Figg.

Don't try to leave town or discuss this case with anyone.

MAYOR: Figg, try to go straight.

We're giving you one last chance.

And now the key to the executive washroom, please,

and your car.

But you guys are getting this all wrong.

You... You just don't know.

I think we should put him in jail.

He's just jerk enough to run.

Robert, tell Mr. Sanderson I want him to run.

The minute he runs, he incriminates himself.

Yes. Kermit, Mr. Spaulding wants him to run.

I heard him. I heard him.

Nevertheless, Mr. Spaulding, I...

(SNORING)

Mr. Spaulding?

Sounds like a cheap pinball machine.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Hey, Holl! Hey, can we drop you someplace?

Hiya, Holl.

I came by your office a couple of times,

only that snooty secretary of yours said you was busy.

I knew she was lying.

You came by? Yeah.

Hey, why don't we go by your place and have a nice talk?

25th and Taylor, guys!

Pren, do you want to hear a story that'll tear your heart out?

(INAUDIBLE)

Guy, Holl, that's the most heartrending story I ever heard.

You guys want to go on to the dump by yourselves?

I got a friend in trouble here.

Pick me up the next time past.

The thing is, I don't know why they did it to me.

And why would Glorianna lie like that?

Hollis!

Hollis!

Oh.

Hollis, I saw you go by, and I knew something was wrong.

Gee, Ema Letha, I never thought you'd talk to me again.

Oh, Hollis.

Well, what's happened?

Well, will you come up and have some coffee with us?

Sure.

Ema Letha, you want to hear a story that'll tear your heart out?

Tell her, Holl. Tell her!

Well... Holl got fired.

Only, they creamed him real good with a bunch of falsehoods and perfidy,

and all kinds of junk.

Why, Hollis, that's the most disgraceful thing I ever heard.

It tears my heart out.

I signed a bunch of papers, sure.

But she kept saying, "Legal, check them," you know.

Hey! Maybe it's a frame.

Frame? What do you mean, a frame?

Like when Warner Baxter got all fouled up with Basil Rathbone

about Paris being lousy with graft,

and they went and framed him by putting Paulette Goddard in his room in a nightie.

Man, Pren, you come up with some of the weirdest notions.

Hollis, I think he's right.

But nobody put any Paulette Goddard in my room.

No, but they put Glorianna in your office.

Hollis, you're so honest you can't see

what's pretty obvious to others.

The whole commission and the mayor

and maybe old Charley Spaulding,

they gave you that job with that fancy secretary just to keep you quiet.

PREN: Yeah, and to frame you some more in case you got wise.

Like that time Edward Arnold set up Ronald Coleman

for a patsy in Corruption Over Manhattan.

You mean, all those guys on the third floor...

Why else would they give you a job where you did nothing

but sign vouchers and requisitions?

Hey...

Hey!

I love it when he gets sore

and his nostrils flare out like that.

He looks like a real mean horse.

You gonna get vengeance, Holl?

Well, they're not gonna get away with it, I'll tell you that much!

I'll sing! Oh, man, will I sing!

I'll sound like Carmen Lombardo!

(GASPS) Without evidence?

What do you mean, without evidence?

I got all kinds of evidence. I got...

I... Oh, yeah, that's right. I...

Oh, we'll need evidence.

(HORN HONKING)

Well, sounds like the guys are back with the truck.

Okay! I'll be right down, you guys!

We gotta go back and finish the route, give it one more burning.

Boy, if you don't burn twice a day in the rubbish game,

the product piles up, believe me.

Do you know that we get a half a truckload of scrap paper

from the third floor alone?

Well, I better get going. I'll see you guys later.

EMA LETHA: So long, Pren. Bye, Pren.

Isn't there some way you could get some evidence?

I don't know.

Ema Letha, you know, I just can't get over

the way that you rallied around me and everything.

I just don't know how to...

Third floor!

Hey, Pren! Pren?

Do you have to keep doing that?

That's the third time today you've been in here with that thing!

We got a saying down in sanitation...

Rubbish brings bacteria and often diphtheria.

(ALARM BUZZES AND SQUEALS) Whoops!

Lunchtime.

Okay, guys!

Okay! I said okay!

Hey, Holl!

Holl?

Holl?

It's no good.

This shows you can't get careless. Look.

These figures came from Sanderson's office about some glazed bricks,

and this came right from old Mr. Spaulding's mansion.

But none of it means anything without the totals.

How long will it take you to put it all together?

Well, there you go. About two years, if I'm lucky.

This is one time I could really use a comput...

Leo! (LAUGHS)

All right, here's what we do. Uh-huh.

We'll take the evidence down to City Hall tonight

and we'll sneak in and feed it to Leo.

Can you get tomorrow off? I think so.

We'll have a case against them by morning.

Gas up the old car. Right.

And Ema Letha, I want you go to the state capitol and tell them what we're doing.

And go right to the attorney general's office. We gotta move fast!

Hey, maybe I'd better move the trash

if I'm gonna gas up your car. Good. Good idea.

Trash? Wait a minute. What did you do with it? Where is it?

I piled it in the driveway till the guys come back with the truck.

You can't leave a pile of trash in the middle of a driveway.

(APPROACHING ENGINE) (TIRES SCREECHING)

(CRASHING)

(WHISPERING) All right, easy now.

Not at the same time.

You... You go first.

I'm not gonna comment on that.

Turn on the lights.

Ain't it kinda dumb to go and turn on the lights?

The lights are supposed to be on down here. Now bring me the evidence.

(LOW HUMMING)

That's the last one, Holl. Good.

Shh. Who's humming?

That's Leo. He's partly activated.

Sure is a monotonous tune.

Hey, you remember when old Fredric March was a jewel thief,

and he thought he heard footsteps?

(DOORKNOB RATTLES)

There. Now the evidence is in the memory bank.

All we gotta do is turn Leo on.

We'll have enough evidence to send them...

What's eating you?

(DOORKNOB RATTLES)

Let's get outta here.

Here, take this. They can't run Leo without it.

We've gotta get back to Leo and get that evidence.

Let's get outta here. What about Leo?

We'll come back later.

This Hollis Figg has, uh, evidence, you say?

Yes, sir.

We've been on the verge of starting our own investigation down at Dalton.

This might be the very thing we need.

Is his evidence substantial?

I think so. I'm supposed to call him later today.

Well, after you talk to him, let me know, Miss Kusic.

All right. And thank you.

I hope I've been of some help.

Appreciate your coming in.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Will that be all?

Uh, yes, yes, Gerard. Thank you.

I thought you'd like to know, there's a young lady up here

who says she has enough evidence

to put your whole department away.

SPAULDING: Poopheads!

Where did he get evidence If one of you didn't give it to him?

(ALL CHATTER)

Did Figg leave town, Kermit?

No. You see there? Kermit says...

I heard what he said. Do you think I'm deaf?

Have Figg picked up and thrown into jail

so when the state comes after us, we'll have him.

Are you making notes of this meeting?

Yes. Yes, I am.

You make notes of a meeting where we're framing somebody.

You poophead.

By my Aunt Bertha's blue bustle,

if you people don't start doing some thinking on your own,

I'll round up another bunch of dummies to run this town.

Do I make myself clear?

Yes, Mr. Spaulding. Yes, indeed.

Perfectly clear.

MAYOR: The police department will issue a warrant

for Figg's arrest, Mr. Spaulding,

so there won't be... Mr. Spaulding?

Dr. Schmidt, would you please wake up Mr. Spaulding?

MAYOR: I have no idea how to proceed after arresting Figg.

He's dead.

He's dead?

Yeah, and they say the last thing he did

was get out a warrant for your arrest.

They're closing in!

Yeah, it's weird, ain't it?

I mean, one minute you could be walking around free,

and the next minute, you can't even sit up in bed.

We've gotta get to Leo and get that evidence!

Yeah, but there's only one problem.

That night watchman likes to sit in the same room where Leo is

and listen to the radio.

It'd be dumb to go up there tonight.

(MOANS)

(TELEPHONE RINGS) (GASPS)

(FRENCH ACCENT) Hello? Cuisine de France restaurant.

Pierre speaking.

Oh, hi, Ema Letha. It's me.

No, I had to do that.

They got a warrant out for me.

Yeah, and old Charley's dead!

That's why they're burying him tomorrow, from City Hall.

They're burying him tomorrow...

They're burying him tomorrow?

The guy hasn't even cooled off yet.

It's in his will. "Bury me quick."

Oh, everything's just moving so fast, I can't...

Oh, Ema Letha, now, calm is as calm does.

But I mean, when there's a whole city out to get you,

why, you just... Huh?

Well, yeah, I know, but... But you see, all the evidence is in Leo,

and I gotta get down there and get it.

But there's some fathead night watchman likes to sit there all night.

Huh? What's that?

By golly, Ema Letha, I think you've got something there.

I'll do it! Yeah!

All right, now you tell the attorney general

where the evidence is, and tell him I'll have it in his hands

within the next 24 hours.

Yeah. Yeah. Huh?

(CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS THROAT) Yeah, well, I love you, too.

Guy, Holl, I think that's neat

the way she makes you tell her you love her.

Yeah, well, listening in on people's conversations

is right up there in the high echelons of rudeness, Pren.

What are you gonna do?

You'll see.

Tomorrow at the funeral.

(ORGAN PLAYING)

Thank you. Thank you. You're a nice boy.

Here's a shiny penny for your future.

There you go. (CHUCKLES)

It's okay, lady. I'll call the police.

(WHISPERING) Pren, it's me. Let him go.

Let him go!

Hey, you look terrific, Holl,

like that time Maria Ouspenskaya...

Cool it, cool it, cool it. We gotta get to Leo.

See if there's a window open someplace.

Message received and noted.

Uh, are you with the funeral party, madam?

Uh, yes, yes.

Poor Charley was such a kind man. Oh!

Now, now.

Oh, thank you.

What are we gonna do after we bury him?

Why do you keep asking that?

And why are you so sharp with Schmidt?

Your department couldn't even pick up a clod like Figg.

That's right, you couldn't.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. Gentlemen, please!

Now that I am running things...

(ALL CHATTERING)

All right, we still have to bury old Charley.

Let's go downstairs and get him in the ground.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hello? What?

It's Gerard at the state capitol.

Hello?

The memory bank?

It is?

Oh, my God!

What is it? What? What?

That same woman just told the attorney general's office

that the evidence is still in the computer.

Come on. I'll explain on the way to the basement.

(SIGHS) Well, it's not working. It's broken.

Robert, just stand aside there.

Well, no wonder it's not working!

The cartridge is gone from the memory bank.

I'll bet Figg took it.

Well, let's get another one. What another one?

The company that made this thing

has been out of business for five years.

It'll take us days to have another cartridge made.

As usual, Charley bought us the Edsel of computers.

Look here, we just can't leave that stuff in there.

Kermit, I... Look, I'm gonna get a sledgehammer.

Now, wait a minute, Robert. Don't be a jerk.

You always act like a jerk.

I thought when you became mayor, you wouldn't be a... But no.

If we smash this thing, then the public will know

there was collusion on our part.

We have got to do something. We can't leave it here.

Where can we hide it so no one will find it?

Oh, I wonder what old Charley would have done.

He would've come up with some sort of solution... (ALL TALKING AT ONCE)

I don't know what old Charley would've done,

but I've got an idea that would do old Charley credit.

Uh-huh. A-ha!

(ORGAN PLAYING)

(MEN STRAINING)

But, but, but... What are we gonna do about...

Uh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Uh, this way, Mother.

(MOUTHING) What?

A man whose civic pride was only exceeded

by his great personal warmth.

A man who left his mark on every human being he met,

every day of his long, rich life.

MAYOR: Charles Spaulding was in the habit

of giving pennies to strangers and to little children. (CREAKING)

But these were not merely pennies.

They were pieces of his boundless

bountiful heart.

Charles Spaulding was more than a man.

When it came to civic problems,

he was a machine, a tireless machine...

Oh, excuse me.

Go right back to whatever you're doing.

MAYOR:...ways and means to improve the financial status of our fine city.

If there was an extra dime that could swell the city coffer,

Charles Spaulding...

Why don't you just announce on a loudspeaker you're looking for me?

MAYOR:...to proper use. (CREAKING)

Only recently...

(PEOPLE GASPING)

This is our chance. Come on.

Be careful! Watch it!

It can't be!

Somebody swiped the whole memory bank.

Where would they hide a thing like that, Holl?

I don't know.

Be a hard thing to sneak outside.

It's probably right here in the building someplace.

We gotta find it.

I think we ought to cover every inch of this building,

even if we have to cover every inch of this building.

(GROANS) Come on.

Maybe we should've started here on the third floor first.

Yeah, well, it's just a good thing they gave everybody a holiday.

Come on, let's get started.

Pren, you saw how big the memory bank was, right?

Then how come you're looking in dumb places, like under ashtrays?

I thought they might've taken it apart.

They didn't take it apart. They put it someplace big.

Like, maybe in that closet over there.

(WEAKLY) Hey, Holl, the...

Holl?

Did you find it?

Let's get outta here, Holl.

I don't like being around no dead guy.

That's my first dead guy. Let's get outta here.

Why would they do a thing like that?

Why would they say they're burying old Charley and then leave him here?

You suppose they forgot him?

Maybe they buried the computer instead of Mr. Spaulding for some reason.

Oh, you come up with some paperheaded ideas, Pren.

Think it through!

Why would they bury a memory bank instead of a man?

Mr. Spaulding's the one that needs burying.

And yet what they did was they buried the memory bank instead of Mr. Spaulding.

Isn't that what I just said, Holl?

Yeah, yeah, but somehow you didn't word it right.

Come on!

(OWL HOOTING)

Where are the shovels?

You can't climb the wall and carry shovels at the same time, Holl.

Back! And don't show yourself over that wall without those shovels.

Holl! (SCREAMS)

Oh, you...

You know what you don't have, Pren? Judgment!

People just don't sneak up on people

in a graveyard late at night and tap 'em on the shoulder.

You just don't do that!

Message received and noted.

Yeah, well...

Okay, come on.

(OWL HOOTING)

Holl, this is getting real scary.

Which way's the grave?

Shh.

I gotta get my bearings.

(OWL HOOTING)

Holl?

Holl?

(DISTANTLY) Hollis?

Hollis?

You wanna see a neat little house, Holl?

That's a tomb! Let's get out of here, you...

(OWL HOOTING)

This is it. Blow out that candle.

Maybe it's that one over there.

No, this is it. I remember the flowers.

That one has flowers, too.

Holl, it's just that I don't wanna go and dig all the way down there

and open up the thing and have some old lady staring up at me

with maybe pennies on her eyes.

Start digging.

(SHOVEL THUDS) That's it!

(PANTING)

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

All right, now...

I'll hold the flashlight, and you open it.

Holl! That's all I need, is for that old lady

to sit up in that coffin and call me a ghoul or something.

Like that time Fay Wray sat up in the mummy case

after being soaked in formaldehyde.

Prentiss Gates, you open that coffin!

No. It's my flashlight. You open it.

(SHUDDERING)

If she sits up, drive a wooden stake through her heart.

Guess who's gonna get a wooden stake through their heart

if you don't stop flapping your dumb jaws!

It's him! Hi, Leo. (PANTING)

Thank goodness it's you. (CHUCKLES)

All right, let's get him out of here.

We can't get him out of here. He's too heavy.

We'd get a triple hernia.

They only go up to double.

But you're right.

We're just gonna have to run him right here.

How are we gonna do that, Holl?

Ever hear of such a thing as an extension cord?

Message received and noted.

Uh, hello?

Uh, I'm sorry to be calling so late,

but it's sort of an emergency, Mr. Wilson.

I wonder if you could open the store?

W... Well, do you have a nice, long extension cord?

Oh, good. Well, we paced it off.

And we'll need about a mile and a half.

Mr. Wilson? Mr...

Well, he hung up.

All right, what are we gonna do?

We gotta get electricity to Leo, Holl.

Desperate straits take desperate measures.

Did you say that?

Once in a while I get lucky.

(GUNSHOTS AND SHOUTING ON TV)

MAN: You forget to turn the electric blanket on again, Lorine?

I got news for you, Berle.

I can't even find the electric blanket.

MAN ON POLICE RADIO: Car 34. Car 34.

Be on the lookout for juveniles

suspected of stealing electrical appliances.

Ten four. Ten fo...

All right, now I'll get down in there, replace the cartridge.

And you hand me the extension.

Hey, wouldn't it be weird if you passed out or something,

and tomorrow they buried you and Leo in a common grave?

Like that time Bruce Cabot...

HOLLIS: Just hand me the rest of the cord.

That's it.

HOLLIS: What do you mean that's it? Hand me the rest of the cord.

That's the whole thing, Holl.

(SIGHS)

You work and you plan, and you figure things out,

and then life ups and hits you right in the gut

and you're three feet short of your goal.

What's it all about?

We're all tools.

Life's just a crock!

All right. Help me out of here.

We'll go someplace and get some more extension.

Okay, only, why don't you just plug it in right there?

You mean, that's been there all the time?

And you knew it?

I thought you wanted to do it dramatic.

All right, disconnect some of the extension cord

and plug it in there.

I'm sorry I said that life was just a crock.

You're a crock!

(SHUDDERS)

(FAINT INTERMITTENT SQUEALING)

What's the matter with Leo, Holl?

Is he sick or something?

Are you sure you hooked it in good?

Scout's honor.

(LEO GROANS)

(BEEPING)

That's it, boy. That's it. Come on!

Come on, now. The evidence.

(LEO WHEEZING)

(LOW MOANING)

Maybe you hurt him when you smacked him or something.

Quiet, Pren. Quiet.

(GROANING AND BLEEPING)

(RAPID BEEPING AND ESCALATING WHINE)

(GASPING)

Let's get outta here, quick!

(HOLLIS PANTING AND WHEEZING)

(RAPID BEEPING)

(PANTING)

(LEO GROANING)

(SIGHS) It's no use.

It's just no use.

Blank.

Yeah. Who cares about some guy named Bellinger who's got a road?

(SCOFFS) Yeah.

Let me see that card.

This is it! Bellinger Road!

The Mercy Hospital! The whole works!

Oh, boy.

How about this one, Holl?

Yeah! Yeah!

We did it, Pren! We did it!

We got enough here to put those guys behind bars for the next 300 years!

We did it, Pren! We did it!

We did it! Leo, thank you!

Le...

(LEO GROANING)

He's gone, Holl.

There is no finer thing that a machine can do

than to give his last transistor for his friends and his township.

Oh, Hollis, just look! Isn't Brazil gorgeous?

It sure is.

Everything would be just perfect

if only those rotten crooks hadn't gotten away.

Hollis, the city gave us this wonderful honeymoon as a reward.

Let's not spoil it. Okay?

Okay.

I hope you people have the honeymoon suite ready.

Uh, si, senor. (CHUCKLES)

Senor? This way.

Uh, honeymoon suite, please.

Figg's the name. Mr. and Mrs...

Ah, Senor Figg, welcome.

(MAYOR CHUCKLING)

It is waiting for you. Your room.

(CHUCKLES) Attencion.

If there is anything that you wish more, senor,

you have only to sign for it.

Hollis, a balcony!

Ema Letha, did you notice anything weird about the bellman

and the desk clerk and the doorman?

No. Why?

Well, I... I know this sounds kind of dumb,

but they all look like the whole city commission back in Dalton.

You know why?

Because my boy still has that awful mess on his mind,

and all he can see are those faces.

You think so? I know so.

But I'm gonna change all that.