Original subtitles

DRAMATIC MUSIC

HEAVY PANTING

ARGH! Such a little asshole!

Stop it!

Whoa!

Don't move a muscle!

Oh, shit! You all right?

I am fine.

It's just all these guns.

They bring back a lot of bad memories.

Of course! I'm sorry, Yasmin!

- Come here. - No, no, no, no! Please, don't!

Oh, why not?

Because...

..I DON'T WANT TO GET WE-E-ET!

AGH!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, my God!

That is in stunningly poor taste!

Yes! Yes, yes!

Yes! Extremely poor taste!

Very, very poor taste!

- I'm sorry. - It's too late for apologies, John.

- I want to know you've learnt something. - I've learnt something.

Which is?

I've learned you shouldn't fill a water gun with paint.

That's right. You shouldn't.

- I shouldn't have humiliated you. - Oh, you didn't humiliate me, John.

You humiliated yourself.

I humiliated you a bit.

Actually, I don't see it that way

- and I think you'll find nobody else does. - How we doing here?

- You still angry? - Oh, not angry at all!

Very calm, very calm.

OK! Gotta go, guys. Can't be late.

OK.

SAMI SPEAKS ARABIC

YASMIN: OK, I'll get our stuff.

It's so nice to see them all together again, isn't it?

Hm.

Yeah.

- It's empty. - Yeah, I know, it's just... checking.

Come on, Thanos.

Let's get you cleaned up.

THEY SNAP THEIR FINGERS

PETER: Right! Let's get the bags.

- JOHN: I'll grab the trolley. - KATY: Thank you, good boy.

Now, Yasmin, come here.

Oh...

PLANES FLY OVERHEAD

Tickets? Passports?

Can I see?

Proper Germans now.

- I'll help you with this. - Sami...

..here is best. Please.

OK?

He's such a little asshole.

KATY: You'll see them again soon.

SAMI: I know, I know.

JOHN: Still haven't changed that cardigan.

Does Iron Man change his suit?

Iron Man updates it every movie.

I sewed this pocket up last Tuesday.

"Asylum Man".

You know, you don't have to drive me home.

Of course we do!

- Have you got the address, darling? - Eagle Lodge.

Eagle Lodge.

Sounds nice!

Yeah, well, don't get your hopes up, John.

Not everything that sounds nice is nice.

- What do you mean? - Elephant and Castle.

Shingles!

Shingles.

- Tommy Robinson. - HIGH-PITCHED: Ickle Tommy Robinson.

Actually...

..Eagle Lodge is quite nice.

Oh, you don't have to say that, mate. I know these places.

A frayed bedsheet for a curtain.

Mattress on the floor.

Ahmed squatting over a camping stove,

fighting a losing battle against his tagine.

I'm spitballing, of course.

How long since your interview?

182 days.

And you still haven't heard?

- Nope. - Fucking disgrace.

Er, can we watch the Navy language?

Well, I'm sorry, but it is.

It's like one of those pauses in the X Factor.

FAUX ANNOUNCER VOICE: And the refugee who will be leaving

the competition tonight is...

..doof, doof, doof...

..going to be announced right after the break.

- No-o-o! - No-o-o!

A 182-day break.

The suspense is killing me.

Ted Bundy!

Ted Bundy.

Sorry, mate.

Sat nav's playing silly buggers.

Says this is Eagle Lodge.

This IS Eagle Lodge.

But this is a hotel.

Yes.

This is lovely!

Apparently there has been a surge in asylum numbers

- so they've put us up here temporarily. - How many stars?

- Erm, three, I think. - Nice!

No offence, but you enter the country illegally

and the taxpayer's expected to foot the bill for this?

- Oh, don't get angry. - I'm not getting angry.

It just makes me extremely uptight.

You are welcome to de-stress in the adjoining spa facilities.

Spa facilities...

Oh, come on!

- Make yourselves comfortable. - Bloody hell.

- How's the PlayStation? - Good.

Comprehensive tea and coffee-making facilities,

Twinings Collection...

He's got a Twinings Collection.

- MAN: Hello! - Agh! Leave me alone!

I can't leave you alone! You are adorable!

I've heard all about you.

Victor from Lagos! I'm Sami's roommate.

- This is Victor. - Katy. This is John.

- Hello, John. - JOHN: All right?

- Peter you've met. - Oh! I've met Peter.

How long have you been here, Victor?

- Nearly three months. - Why did you come here?

Hard to be me in Nigeria.

Are you... gay?

Well, if I'm not, someone should tell my kimono

because it has got the wrong end of the stick.

Victor Adebayo!

Dental surgeon...

..PhD, BDS, MDS and...

..homosexual.

It is illegal to be gay in Nigeria, John.

14-year prison sentence.

One for every Madonna album.

Spill the beans, Victor.

What's it like to share a room with this one?

Oh, he's fine.

- We haven't killed each other yet. - Yet.

Feels like he's trying to, though, with his night-time farting.

You want to talk about the farting?!

Er, excuse me?!

You did one so loud on Friday it woke my phone up.

I haven't even got started yet.

- I bet you haven't! - Syrians are the kings of farting!

Give me two chicken shawarma and a baba ghanoush,

I'll give you Chernobyl!

Let me... give you all some time to catch up.

I'm sorry.

He's a good guy, it's...

..all this.

I know you think this is all so fancy, and it is...

Twinings Collection...

I don't want this!

I want to start my life!

But I am still waiting.

This is not luxury, this is...

..purgatory.

I'm sorry, I'm a bit tired after everything.

Yes, of course.

Come on, let's go.

I wanted to play Fortnite with you!

The battle royale will have to wait for its two finest soldiers.

- Bye, Victor. - Lovely to meet you. Safe journey.

- QUIETLY: Keep an eye on him? - WHISPERED: OK.

Thank you.

You going to bring your family over here?

My family don't want to know me right now.

They didn't like you being...?

They were not complimentary.

Is the shortbread complimentary?

Yes, the shortbread is complimentary.

Good, because I took some.

Get out of here before you steal my heart as well!

- KATY: Bye, Sami! - PETER: Bye, Sami!

DOOR SHUTS

SAD MUSIC SWELLS

KATY CHUCKLES

HER PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, you fucker!

What's happened?

Oh, wanker.

Who's a wanker?

No-one, mate.

- Just a friend. - Who?

- Janet. - You don't have any female friends.

Well, I got one female friend and she's called Janet.

Girls aren't wankers.

Hm, you clearly haven't met Janet!

I'm drowning here...

It's your father, John.

- What does he want? - Well...

..he pays the mortgage on this place

but it seems he doesn't want to do that anymore.

OK. Let's all just take... a...

..chillaxative here.

I am being offered promotion this week and the pay rise will cover

any dent he tries to make in us.

I'm actually glad this is happening.

I don't want him looking after you both.

I want to look after you.

All right, darling. Bed.

My dad's not a wanker.

Well, technically I called Janet a wanker, so...

Everyone deserves a second chance.

I gave YOU one.

Ignore him.

Christ, he really likes feeding my balls into a desk fan, doesn't he?

He still misses Sami.

Why do you think Elliot's doing this now?

10.15? He's probably just moving onto the spirits.

No, I mean now generally.

He enjoys it.

He likes turning my life upside down.

Elliot is zero gravity.

Not the fun kind. Not, "Ooh, look at that pen spinning in mid-air."

The bad kind.

Bumping into dead astronauts and beads of your own piss.

Who is "Janet"?

- Janet's my mum. - Oh, yeah.

KATY CHUCKLES

- ON PHONE: Sami? - Yeah?

This is all perfectly normal. There is a system in place.

What is the system?

It's not perfect, but it's what we've got.

HE SCOFFS Monica, it has been six months.

What's going on?

Mr Ibrahim, your case is still under review.

It takes time. Six months is not unusual.

But I haven't arrived yet. How much longer do I have to wait?

I can't say.

You are solicitor.

You know these things. You know them.

Each case is different.

Each asylum seeker is different.

- You're like snowflakes. - I am not a snowflake.

- No, I didn't mean it like that. - Oh.

Sami, you know the British.

- You know how we love to queue. - Yes.

- Yes, you love to queue. - OK, so this is the queue.

This is part of the test.

- This is the queue. - Try to keep calm.

Don't do anything stupid. Obey the law, OK?

- Where am I in this queue? - I don't know.

- I'll call you when I have news. - Thank you.

Excuse me.

What?

We're waiting here. What the fuck are you doing?

- Nothing. - That's my ball there.

What do you want me to do?

What do you think I want you to do?

No, you fucking idiot!

Are you a member?

Not yet.

Not yet.

BLOWS WHISTLE Sir, no outdoor shoes in the pool area.

These are sandals. - Yes, but...

You are wearing sandals.

- These are flip-flops. - Flip-flops, part of sandal family.

- You are a radical breakaway group. - Please?

This country and its rules.

Yeah, hello, Mr Referee, more rules, please.

Um...

No diving, no bombing.

No bombing? No bombing?!

Oh, oh, oh!

I wish we had you and your whistle in Aleppo!

Sir? BLOWS WHISTLE

W-W-What are you doing?

- Sir, get out, please. - No.

I need you to leave, sir. - No.

You're fully clothed!

BELL RINGS

Fucking "babe."

I don't owe you anything.

Don't talk to me like that.

- Were you a virgin? - I said, don't talk to me like that.

Look, what did you think? Just because I fucked

you, you thought I was going to marry you? Oh!

What the hell is going on here?

- He's a fucking pig. - Oink oink.

I heard what he said. Is that how you treat a woman, Jason?

Depends, Miss.

How would you like to be treated?

I beg your pardon?

How would you like me to treat you?

Oh, Jason, please.

I've got yoghurt in the fridge older than you.

No-one's fucked you in years.

Gemma Bridges, there will be other wrong men - they happen.

But your mistakes will be fascinating. Want to know them?

- What? - There'll be a writer called Orlando.

He's posh, with an extremely long face, and he'll put you in one of his erotic novels,

but you're no-one's muse and you will leave him weeping on the stone floor

- of a Tuscan castle. - I think I've gone off boys.

Your lesbian affair is with a Belgian tattooist called Martha.

- I'm not gay. - It's just a fling,

but blooms into a lifelong friendship,

and you'll catch her eye on your wedding day and smile.

- Who's he? - Brett?

Brett's a fireman

and voluntary baby whisperer.

He'll reach into your chest and flip your heart open like a Japanese fan.

Yeah, and what about me, babe?

What of Jason Maddox? SHE SIGHS

I've met boys like you before.

You're all the same

with your charming fathers and a mum with a flinch.

There's time to change, though, Jason. Best you do.

You're a good looking lad, but that beauty will melt like a candle.

God's an arsonist and all you'll be left with

is the content of your character.

And please,

don't call into question my sex life. I've had a threesome in a graveyard

and given handjobs in two separate pedalos.

It's all gravy. Class now.

- BELL RINGS - CHEERING

Sami, hi.

Is this Peter?

Yes. Sorry, who's...?

- It's Victor. - Who?

The beautiful Nigerian dentist

- who astonished you from the bathroom. - Oh, right.

Um... OK.

How can I...?

You need to come here immediately, please.

- It's Sami. - OK.

- I'm actually... - No haggling.

He needs you. Get here now.

- How long's he been in there? - Over an hour.

Excuse me. This is him.

- You know the gentleman in there. - I believe so.

OK. He's locked himself in with one of the lifeguards.

- He's taken a hostage? - We're not using that language yet

as we're trying to respect the energy flow of the spa.

- That's very thoughtful. - Is he dangerous?

- No. No. - OK.

Right, we're going to give you five minutes to persuade

him to come out or we'll have to do it by force,

and that won't end well for him.

- Does this make me chief negotiator? - No.

Can I have a stab vest?

- No. - Bring me to him.

- But apart from this, how was your day? - Go home, Peter.

Let me out. This is a hostage situation.

Hostage situations do not smell of eucalyptus.

Please enjoy the wellness.

This isn't wellness. This is madness.

Come on, mate.

You're going to get heat exhaustion in there.

We are a desert people.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the smoke cleared...

..and I had vanished?

- Still here? - Still here.

Fuck David Blaine.

What's going on, Sami?

I'm not too sure,

sort of found myself here.

This is a protest?

I do not think so.

I don't think so either.

If this was a protest, you'd have taken your clothes off.

That would not be a protest. That would be an act of terrorism.

PETER CHUCKLES

I cannot wait anymore.

Don't give up, mate.

I can't.

They win.

LOUDER: They win.

I'm losing my mind, Peter.

I think I'm trying to melt away.

Sami, if you don't come out...

..I'm going to drag you out.

And they're going to keep dragging you all the way back to Damascus.

Maybe I want them to.

Everything I've tried to fix is broken,

asylum, family.

Go back to Syria, at least everything is rubble.

Nothing left to ruin.

You haven't ruined everything.

You know when I said we are a desert people?

Yes.

- We are not a desert people. - No.

We are a dessert people.

- Open the door, Sami. - I can't feel my legs.

- Sami? - I miss my boy.

Open the door.

Get the spare room set up.

You'll be spending a few days with us.

We're back.

You smell pretty bad.

I have been in a sauna fully clothed.

What's your excuse?

I'm sorry.

Welcome home.

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