All language subtitles for For.Love.Or.Money.2019_English

[lighthearted music plays]

[rock music intro plays]

[slow-motion sound]

[background conversation]

[girls giggle in background]

[Mark] If I'm being honest,

even now I come across
like a lobotomized hamster

when it comes to approaching women,

and at the age of 12,

having just blossomed into an idiot,

I knew even less.

-What are you doing?
-Uh, hi, Connie. I wrote this for you.

Every day you're on my mind,
I love the way you laugh.

I promise to always treat you kind,
like you're my better half.

I'll keep you close to my heart,
where you will always be.

And hope we're never apart,
forever you and me.

What do you think?

♪ Oh, girl, can't you see? ♪

♪ I am... ♪

[Mark] Ugh!

-[boys laugh]
-[punching]

[religious choral singing]

[priest] People who walk in darkness
will see a great light. Amen.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down
in green pastures.

Jesus said to them,
"I am the bread of life,

whoever comes to me will never be hungry,

and whoever believes in me
will never be thirsty."

Blah, blah, blah.

[Mark] That kid that was beating
on me all those years ago,

this is his funeral.

His epitaph would have read,

"Here lies Tommy.
He was an asshole, calm as a bitch."

but my anonymous suggestion was ignored.

Anyway, ashes to ashes, dust to dust,

et cetera, et cetera.

Mazel tov, amen.

Obviously, he never said that
because none of this is true.

[Johnny] Did you enjoy that? Yeah?

-This is my girlfriend, Daniela.
-[Daniela] Hi.

[Kendra] Nice to meet you, Daniela.

Have a nice time.
I'll be back in a minute.

[Daniela] Sure.

Hello, Granddad.

Johnny.

[man sighs]

Surprised to see you here.

-Well, I couldn't believe he was dead.
-Hmm.

I had to make sure.

-Hi.
-Tim.

-Daniela, nice to meet you.
-How you doing there, how you doing?

How have you been, Johnny?

Yeah, damn good, mate.
Absolutely fucking spot on, actually.

Working as a legal consultant

tearing the ass out
of my gorgeous girlfriend over there,

life couldn't be fucking sweeter.

Did you come with anyone?

Yes, do you see that chinless twat
over there?

-Who's the oaf?
-That's my flatmate.

You brought your flatmate to a funeral?

To be honest, he just kind of goes
wherever there's free food.

Why don't you go and talk to her?

[Johnny]
Of course, she won't remember you.

Ah, having said that, I only recognized
you, I think, when you started crying.

Oh, I didn't, I didn't--

I've got some vouchers
from my nan, that's it.

-I mean, not enough to go.
-[Mark] Tim. Tim!

-But you have credit cards.
-Tim. Tim!

[Tim] One second.

-Someone I want you to meet.
-[Tim] Keep saving.

-[Johnny] Hello, Tim.
-[Mark] How are you doing?

So, here's the skinny:

so, the self-obsessed duck face
over there,

was the soon to be widow fat bloke.

Apparently, he was fucking loaded.

Good looking girl over there,
she's engaged to the Ken Doll,

and the hottie, right, she's an escort.

[Tim]
She's here with some chinless prat, right.

-[Mark] Yes.
-I just can't work out which one.

-Tim.
-[Tim] No, no, no.

Thank you.

Ah, so girlfriend, eh?

I didn't want to come standing.

Oh, so you thought you'd come
with a hooker to avoid embarrassment.

She's an escort. There's a difference.

OK, I'm going to leave you two
to get better acquainted.

[woman] That was a lovely service, Father.

Breaks my heart in two having lost him,

but at least I know
he's at peace up there in heaven.

Oh sure, he's probably skipping
along with Father Christmas

and the Easter Bunny right now.

Connie, hi.

I just heard that you and uh,

Tommy were together I just wanted to,
you know, offer my condolences.

Thanks.

Such a pointless, senseless waste.

Tommy dying?

Yah, that too.

Um, took me by surprise, to be honest.

Didn't realize that he was your type.

Right, [chuckles] and who are you?

Mark...

We went to school together
for eight years.

I don't remember Tommy mentioning you
but thank you so much for coming.

Hey, if you, uh,
if you ever want to catch up,

if you need a shoulder to cry on.

You know,
I'm, I'm always here if you need me.

Sorry, Martin, I don't know who you are...

I'm Mark.

...but are you seriously making moves
on me

at my boyfriend's funeral?

That's not what I was--
I was just saying that if you--

Uh, I'm going to leave.
He-- Here's my card.

I'm Mark, Mark Walwyn.
Um, just give me a call

-anytime you need a--
-No.

I'm gonna-- It's not a proposition,
I'm-- Tim!

[Tim] Nice to meet you, chinless.

Hmph...

My deepest condolences.

Just remember that
Tony's in a better place now.

-Who is Tony?
-Whatever.

[up-tempo rock music plays]

[chuckling]

Fucking hell.

Now, Mark, can I borrow £100,

'cause that escort doesn't take a fiver,
I can tell you that.

Tommy would be rolling in his grave
if he knew Mark had turned up.

-Mark who?
-The wanker you were just talking to.

Oh.

Oh you remember, he was the one
that sent you that pathetic poem.

I mean-- Tommy ended up
beating him up for the next six years.

-Oh my God, that was him?
-Huh-huh, yeah.

-Why was he here?
-Well, I don't know, Connie.

-What's that?
-His card.

-You're kidding me.
-What?

My client, they're trying to buy this.

It's a-- it's a startup company.

-So?
-They're trying to buy it for 20 million!

Really?

[upbeat theme music plays]

[background chatter]

-[Mark] Thank you so much.
-[Tim] Thank you.

-Chin-chin.
-Cheers.

Dead people.

Funerals.

Ah.

On a scale of 1-10,

how successful
was your little meeting earlier?

About a three.
She didn't even remember me.

Aw, well yeah, you are very forgettable.

How the hell does someone
like Mark make 20 million?

-By being a boring sad fucking nerd.
-[sighs]

He's gonna waste it on computers and porn.

Do something about it then.

What's so great about her?

It's hard to qualify really.

She just-- She was always so interesting,
you know, just...

always made me laugh.

Well,
it's not exactly the greatest stretch

of the imagination to presume,
in certain circumstances,

a gold-digger such as yourself

could relieve a moron, such as Mark,

of half his money.

-You mean--
-Uh-huh...

Marry him.

Ugh, I don't want to marry someone
I'm not in love with.

Of course, of course, of course.

I know you're not in fucking love
with him,

but let's say, hypothetically,

you could love ten million, couldn't you?
[kissing]

Hypothetically...

I could love ten million.

Exactly, that's what I thought. Mm.

-Johnny?
-Yes, sugar-tits.

Get your hands off me.

Right.

Well, it could be worse, yeah?

You could be like him,
with a gold-digger on your arm.

Sorry. He doesn't look too unhappy.

Hey, mate, are you happy?

Yes.

[grunts] Ignorance is bliss, innit?

I wouldn't want to be with someone

who's only with me for my money,
would you?

No, I wouldn't want to be alone either.

That would justify it?

If he's happy,
why does he have to justify it?

[Johnny] Ah, mate.

-[phone ringing in distance]
-Fuck off, you deserve that.

Go on, the door's that way. Off you go.

[up-tempo music plays]

Hi, is that Mark?

[Mark] Yes, hi.

Would you be... free to meet up at all?

Yeah, I'll meet up. That sounds great.

Good, thank you.

They'll see you now.
Go to the fourth floor.

Thank you.

-[upbeat music plays]
-[elevator dings]

Amazing!
OK, great, then I'll see you on Tuesday.

[knocking on the window]

Fuck off.

Because time dilation right close
to a black hole is a maximum of 50%.

So, that doesn't make any sense
that they would be there for 30 years,

whilst they're down there 40 minutes.

Are you OK?

Yeah, why?

-Cause your eye's twitching a lot.
-Is it?

You're not having a stroke,
are you? [sarcastic chuckle]

No, it's probably just pink eye.

I don't have pink eye.
I don't-- I don't have any STDs, I don't--

[snickers] Hi.

Yes, great, thank you.

That,
I'm just surprised that you called me.

Really, why?

Because I could hear myself,

and I sound stupid
and I'm clearly floundering.

Just, just, just relax, just be yourself.

Thank you, thank you so much.

Thanks.

Uh.

[waiter] Yeah, it's lovely.

Good, glad you approve.

I do.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

See the point is that uh,

well, we haven't spoken for 12 years,

and, um, I mean there must be a reason why

because y-- [stammers]
you know I liked you.

Mark, you're a nice guy.

Oh no, not-- don't call me a nice guy.

Not the whole
"It's just not you, it's me" thing.

No, it's not me, it is you.

What?

Mark, I really liked you.

I never wanted you to be the kind of guy
that let life slip through their fingers.

If Tommy's passing taught us anything,
it's that life's short, and... [exhales]

If there's something you want,

you've gotta take it.

What are you doing?

What do you think?

I mean, if I'm misreading things,
that's very embarrassing for me.

I think that ship's sailed.

Has it?

-Apéritif--Yes!
-Oh, just kiss me, Mark.

-[glass clangs]
-[Mark] Oh.

I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

Excuse me, thank you. Hey.

Thank you, thank you so much.

Just a little drop, ah.

[sniffs] You're fine.

So the reason I--
I did the second glass of wine,

uh, was because, didn't want it to stain,

hence the white wine.

Uh, I realize you're not a carpet.

No.

So--

I fucked that one up, didn't I?

At least it wasn't flaming Sambucas!

Mark.

[uplifting romantic music plays]

[grunts]

Yes. [grunts]

["Heartland" playing]

♪ If you ain't having no fun
Must be something wrong with ya ♪

♪ Let me take your fingerprints ♪

♪ Pay your way and now you're in ♪

♪ And better seal your lips
So that'll be the end of ya ♪

♪ Come and find your love
At the heartland ♪

♪ Heartland ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' you're looking for ♪

♪ You've had enough but you wanted more ♪

♪ Come and lose yourself
At the heartland, heartland ♪

♪ You'll forget who you were before ♪

♪ Give it up, you can have it all
In the heartland ♪

♪ Hand yourself in
'Cause you're goddamn ready to ♪

♪ It's a happy ending
No one leaves it feeling blue ♪

♪ Let's take a ride on the Ferris wheel ♪

♪ Short on cash, we can make a deal ♪

♪ We got everything you want
We can make your dreams come true ♪

♪ Come and find your love
At the heartland ♪

♪ Heartland ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' you're looking for ♪

♪ You've had enough but you wanted more ♪

♪ Come and lose yourself
At the heartland ♪

[grunts]

[Mark] Klutz.

[romantic music plays]

Connie,

you once told me that if
there's something in life that you want,

you have to take it, and I'm uh,

uh... I'm crazy about you

and uh,
tonight I'm hoping that one little word--

Yes.

But I, uh,
I wrote this whole, uh, this um--

Ugh, Mark, you're so sweet. Come here.

Thank you.

That's how I always pictured it.

Me too.

[Mark] Tim, we've been friends now for--
I don't know.

But in that time, we've always been
there for each other, haven't we?

Friends is a very strong word,
but, yes, flatmates.

We've always been very supportive
of each other.

So, on my special day,

when I have the love of my life
on one side,

nothing would make me prouder
than to have my best, um,

flatmate on the other.

I suppose it makes sense.

So, the question I want to ask you,
Timmy...

Tim, is-- will you do me
the honor of being my best man?

Yeah, all right,
just give me my hand back.

Give me a hug, you big tit.

Aw, that was easy.

Well, in my capacity as best man

I'm going to ask you
to reconsider marrying her.

-What?
-Now...

I'd like to draw your attention
to some information I've had compiled.

[chuckles] What is this?

She's a bit of a shit.

You can't call her a bit of a shit, Tim.

She's my fiancé.

Well, I'm duty bound
to make you fully aware

that you're about to marry a shit.

She's not a shit. She's awesome.

Is she though?

I mean, look at the evidence.
It's there in black and white.

Look, you just don't know her
the way I do, OK?

She's wonderful.

She's made me happier
than I've ever been, OK?

Been very inconvenient for me,
being booted out of the flat.

Well, I was being cruel to be kind.

You should spread your wings a little.

You couldn't sleep on my couch
for the rest of your life.

"Cruel to be kind."
You're just being a twat to be selfish.

The only reason you wanted me
out of the flat

was so you could strut around naked,
balls flapping around,

and have sex in the lounge.

Yes, I was, I did, and I have.

-What was it like?
-Great.

-Lucky.
-Yeah.

What do you think, Ducky?

Ducky, is that a chicken leg?

-Chicken leg. Chicken leg.
-[Ducky growls]

It's a chicken leg, it's a chicken leg.

It's a chicken leg. Aw, ha, oh God.

-What a brute.
-What a brute!

[soft music plays]

Here you go.

Thanks.

-That's expensive wine.
-Thank you.

So, I was thinking,
what if we got married in six weeks?

-Sure.
-Really?

Get married before, if you want.

Whatever,
if you can find a church that's free.

OK.

You put any thought into who you want
to be your maid of honor?

Yeah, my sister.

Oh, [inhales] could she go on holy ground?

Nothing funny about
a pigmentation problem, Mark.

-She's not a vampire!
-OK. [chuckles]

I just thought, you know,
it would be Kendra.

I like her, she's great.

Well, maybe you should marry her instead.

All right, I just thought
she'd be your first--

Oh, Jesus Christ, Mark!
Will you stop talking about the wedding?

Shut up!

[sighs]

Oh, uh, hi.

I'm sorry, baby.

Mm.

I'm just adjusting.
It's all very new for me.

Don't be mad at me.

Well I'm--

you know, I'm not entirely sure
you should be... unpunished.

I'm ready for anything.

Whatever you want to give me.

-OK.
-[phone ringing]

No, no don't--

Hello, oh hi!
No, I hadn't heard about that.

Tell me, tell me!

[exhales] Blue balls.

Don't look at me!

[pigeon cooing]

[message tone]

[relaxing electro music playing]

[clears throat]

-[message ping]
-[Johnny] Sugar tits,

not too much longer
then the money is ours.

Just think of me if you have to shag him.

[Connie] This is driving me crazy
pretending to be in love.

How stupid does he think I am,

assuming I don't know anything
about his deal?

[Johnny] Just saw Mark sign the papers.

It's a done deal, I reckon.

Once you marry, you'll be able to get
at least half, if not more.

Especially if you can prove that
he's been a lousy husband, and shag.

Laughing smiley face,
aubergine, water spray.

-[stifled gag]
-[dramatic classical music plays]

[gags]

[groans softly]

That's gross.

[screams]

["Play Dead" playing]

[groans]

♪ You know the way my blood runs ♪

♪ 'Cause darlin' you're the only one ♪

♪ Can you and I go somewhere ♪

♪ Go somewhere we can be alone ♪

♪ Lying like John and Yoko ♪

♪ Or fake our deaths and leave
Am I tripping, are you with me ♪

♪ 'Cause darlin' you're the... ♪

-Hey.
-Hey.

Put your glad rags on.
We're going out for dinner.

Ugh, you're always doing this.

I'm tired. I'm in my pajamas.
I'm not going out.

OK, I just got some good news.
I wanted to celebrate.

[under her breath] What, someone's
upgraded you to the idiot in the village?

-What?
-Nothing, sweetheart. What's your news?

Well,
looks like I've come into some money.

What?

Amazing! How much?

Twenty.

Twenty million, fuck! [chuckles]

No!

[chuckles] Twenty grand!

My uncle died. It's brilliant.

Oh, congrats.

Yeah. Twenty million! [sarcastic chuckle]

No, no, ha!

[sarcastic chuckle] What a random number.

I don't know. I don-- uh?

That's so strange that you would just pick
twenty million out of anywhere.

What? I don't know, I was going to--

And then you said and um,
I got carried away and--

-But that's still so weird.
-So weird.

It just goes straight from err to that.

-[Mark sarcastically chuckles]
-[nervously laughs] Twenty--

Listen, what I've decided is,
I'm going to spend it all on the wedding.

Because you, my love,
you deserve the best.

-So sweet.
-[chuckles]

Twenty million! [chuckles] Idiot.

[laughing forcibly]

[clears throat]

Did you reserve the table?

No, but I think we'll be all right.

Is there a good reason
we didn't get a cab?

Well, yeah,
I thought you'd appreciate the exercise.

Those jeans were a bit tight.

[Mark] Yeah, I hope you'll like it.

Uh, it's one of my favorite places
in town.

[Connie] I'm sure, but--

[Mark] You all right?

Can I get two large doners,
extra chili, extra garlic, please?

And uh, do you want-- do you want a Coke?

Hey, two Cokes.

You're kidding?

There you go.

That'll be £9.50.

Oh, OK, hold on.

Bollocks, I've left my wallet at home.

-Can you lend me a tenner?
-Seriously?

Don't embarrass me in front of kebab man.

She's got it. It's all right.

Oh, 20! Keep the change.

Ah, you're right, I should have booked.

Look, it's full up.

This is a really good kebab shop.

Do you seriously expect me to sit here

and eat this on the street
like a cockroach?

A cockroach? That's a bit much, isn't it?

Look at this. Thank you.

I have been looking forward to this
all day.

Extra garlicky.

Oh!

Uh, it's all right.

What's wrong? You don't like kebabs?

Wearing them? No!

Eating them--

Yes!

We should do this again sometime.
This is fun.

-I would like to go home.
-Yeah, OK.

Oh, but I haven't thanked you for this,
come here.

Such a lucky man.

I know. [chuckles]

[Mark] Come on, it's gonna get cold.

[grunts]

Morning.

Morning. [groans]

[Mark sighs]

[radio playing "Play Dead"]

-Morning. Eat that.
-[squeak]

[laughs]

We meant to be doing something today?

Uh, yeah, getting my wedding dress.
Uh-huh!

Aw, I don't want to do that.
That doesn't sound like any fun for me.

Baby, it's not about you having fun.

It's about you being there to support me.

-Uh-huh.
-And pay for the dress.

Of course. Sweetheart, I have you covered.

What's that? Half a shoe?

[whispers] Are trying to be funny again?

Nope.

Baby,
please don't make me regret saying yes.

I don't do cheap.

Well, if you're having second thoughts
about the wedding?

Of course not. [laughs]

It's our special day,

and as your princess,

I'm going to make sure I look like one.

So, that means the cheapest dress
probably isn't the nicest.

Yeah, but, superstition.

Super special.

Super special, OK, OK.

Is that my coffee?

Oh, do you want one?

[clicks tongue, groans] It's empty.

Last one, sorry. It was nice though.

[Mark] Why don't you want
Kendra at the wedding?

[Connie] We don't talk anymore.

[Mark] You fall out?

Can we stop talking about Kendra?

What do you think?

Yeah. I like it. [laughs]

-[laughs] Yeah.
-[laughs] Yeah.

Just... [laughs]

It reminds me of that, [laughs]

but like in a good way, obviously.

I'll try another one on.

You sure? I like it.

Yeah.

[phone ringing]

Tim, oh thank God, I'm so fucking bored.

No, I'm not doing anything important.

-["Somewhere in My Heart" playing]
-♪ Summer in the city ♪

♪ Where the air is still ♪

♪ A baby being born to the overkill ♪

♪ Who cares what people say ♪

♪ We walk down love's motorway ♪

-♪ Ambition and love ♪
-[groans]

♪ Wearing boxing gloves ♪

Slutty.

[groans]

♪ But somewhere in my heart
There is a star that shines for you ♪

♪ Silver splits the blue ♪

-♪ Love will see it through ♪
-[frustrated grunt]

♪ Somewhere in my heart
There is the will to... ♪

Do you approve of this one?

I mean, yeah, they're all fine.

You've had a shitty comment
for every dress I've tried on.

I like this one,

so I'm just waiting for the possible fault
that you're going to find with it.

[exasperated sigh]
Look, if I have to find a fault,

I mean, if you're going
to put a gun against my head...

makes you look like a man.

-A man?
-No, sorry.

Not a man, like a drag queen,

but like a really bang-able one.

Well, feel free to find a dress
that doesn't make me look like RuPaul

or a pregnant whale
or a French prostitute.

Because I would like to find a dress
that doesn't make you laugh

or make me feel like a circus act.

I mean, there must be one, so--

Which one?

That one.

[Mark] That one, that one, that one.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Next, next, next, more.

Ah, ah, ah, don't skip it.

Ah, ah, one back.

That's the bunny.

Thi-- This one?

Yes.

Sir, this one's actually
a child's bridesmaids dress.

It's a joke. It's a bridesmaid's dress.

Well, they'll let it out.

It's green.

Who wants to be like all the other brides?
You'll stand out.

You'll be-- you'll be
my pea green princess.

[sarcastically] Are you gonna be
my pea green groom?

-No. [chuckles]
-No!

I'm not stupid.

Go on, go try it on.

Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, that.

No, it doesn't even fit me.
It's a children's dress, for children.

Here standeth before me
an angel in green. An angel.

[sighs]

Oh my God, it's beautiful.
It's so green. I love it.

That's the dress. That's it.

I want to marry you in that dress.

Ladies, thank you very much.
We'll wrap it up. We'll take it.

[exciting music plays]

There you go, gentlemen.

This is so much harder
than I thought it would be.

What? Being a dick?

Mm-hm, it's harder than you think.

Well, why don't you just call it quits?

My rent's due in a week.
I can move straight back in.

Let's go home now
and start throwing her stuff out.

I am not throwing in the towel, Timmy.

I have to believe,
even if it's microscopic in size,

that she has some dignity left.

She's got to be about to crack.

Isn't that that twat from the funeral?

[muttering] Yeah,
let's talk about this later.

How goes it?

Johnny, Tim. Tim, Johnny.

Yeah, yeah, we met at the funeral,
remember? Uh, chinless.

-Lovely to see you again, Timothy.
-Whatever.

[phone ringing]

Uh, sugar tits,
can I get a pint for my guys over here.

He's fucking JS.

He's the bloke who's been talking
to Connie.

Well, you're gonna definitely
have to raise your game

if you want to be
as obnoxious as this prick.

Look, listen,
do you know who you're talking to?

Do you know who you're talking to?
Jonathan Sothcott.

Do you know who I'm fucking talking to?

It's the dickless fuckface,
that fucking isn't having you.

Now go fuck yourself.

Ugh, fucking charities.

Mate, if I wanted head,
I would have asked for a fucking blowjob.

You, pint, sort it out.

-Sorry, I do apologize, sir.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Johnny laughs]

-Wonderful.
-[bartender] Aye.

-[bartender exhales]
-Just... stop.

Thanks.

-Hey.
-Kendra, hi, hi.

-Oh God.
-Uh--

Avoided an awkward situation there,
didn't we?

-Did we?
-Maybe that can be our thing.

Listen, whatever Connie wants
you to say to me,

-I don't know why she didn't just--
-No, she didn't.

Connie didn't send me to say anything.

No, [stammering] this is for me.

OK, what do you want?

-Grab a coffee?
-Yeah. Sorry, Mark. Thanks.

And so yeah, for whatever reason,

she and Johnny think
I'm about to become rich,

and so they're just-- Thank you.

-[waiter] That's fine.
-They're just using me.

-Classic Connie.
-Yeah,

that's my sad, sorry tale.

Why did you two fall out?

Once upon a time, I was engaged,
and she slept with my fiancé.

Oh.

No happy ending then. [laughs]

I caught them at Tommy's funeral.

He was consoling her in a back room,
my back room.

-I mean anal.
-[Mark laughs]

She could've been my maid of honor!
How clichéd is that?

Anal.

Maybe I should take a leaf
out of your book and get revenge on him.

Well, I have a list of things
I was planning to do.

-Uh-huh.
-Happy to share.

-Great.
-Fucking anal.

Uh, you could create a fake email
and send his boss dick pics.

You drop eye drops in his drink.
You could fake a pregnancy.

Oh my God, do you know what I could do?

-[Kendra] OK.
-What?

A letter arrived from the Modern School
of Art inviting him to apply.

It's his dream opportunity.
It's all he's ever talked about.

He doesn't know the letter's arrived.

Rip it up.

It's a bit of a shit thing to do, though,
isn't it?

Aw, cheating on your fiancé
with her best friend isn't?

-Fuck him.
-Fuck him.

How far are you going to take this?

[sighs] Take it as far as it needs to go.

It's weird though.
She's strangely thick skinned.

She seems to be taking it all in a stride.

-Bitchy.
-You know what it is?

I think I'm too charming.
I just seem to fail to repel her.

No? No, OK, it's not that.

She hates not being center of attention.

Do you want to help me with something?

What little something?

Are you free tonight?

[Tim] What makes you think
I need to go on a blind date?

Because you sit around your flat
wearing nothing but your pants

watching porn all day.

Uh, not true, actually.
I'm on my PlayStation.

Sorry, I didn't realize you were
such a social butterfly.

Are you wearing any trousers?

Yeah, I'll give you that one.

Ducky, want to go on a date?

[speaking as Ducky] Yeah.

I think it's great
that he finally has a date.

Yeah, are you sure
they're going to let Tim in?

Uh, come on, Connie,
can you just not be mean?

We're meant to make him look good
in front of his girlfriend.

Yeah, I'm assuming
she's blind or needs a visa.

And here they are! Hi. Hey, come in.

[both sides gasp]

Oh my God.

Mark, Connie, meet Kendra.

[Mark] Wow!

Connie, look, it's Kendra.

Yes, I can see.

Mark, Kendra, do you know each other?

[dramatically] Why, yes, we do, Tim.
We all went to school together.

What a small world.

-Connie.
-Kendra, how are you?

Yeah, good, thanks, cunt.

Hey, congratulations on your engagement.
He's quite the steal.

[Kendra] Oh, calamari.

[Mark exhales]

So, how did you two meet?

In--

-I don't mean to pry. [chuckles]
-Yes. [sarcastic laugh]

[Mark giggles]

I have to say, Kendra,
that dress looks marvelous on you.

Well, thanks, that's so sweet.

No, not at all. Tim, you are a lucky man.

What? Since when did you
become a fashion expert?

You've never complimented me
on anything I've ever worn.

Well, maybe if you went shopping
with Kendra, I would.

[Kendra] I'd love to take you shopping.

I'm sure we could sort that out.

Oh... um...

Oh my God,
speaking of embarrassing things,

do you remember history lessons,

or awkward boner sessions,
as you used to call them?

God, yeah, how could I forget?
It was like clockwork.

Never knew I liked history so much.

He had to sit at the back of the class.

[Mark] Yes, I was always afraid

they'd make me go to the front
and then I'd tip the table

over on my way up! [laughter]

You're telling me. We had to put
a block on the History Channel.

[laughter]

Tim, you're hilarious. [laughs]

Kendra, and do you remember
the time when Mr. Thomas

passed out outside the dining hall?
[laughs]

He had a very serious condition, Connie.

A bit awkward.

-What was it he had?
-Narcolepsy.

Um, didn't he end up getting buried alive?

[laughter]

-That was a good one!
-[laughter]

It wasn't funny.

Friends. [chuckling] Ah, narcolepsy.

[under her breath]
I'm the one who's funny.

I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love,
I'm in love, I'm in love,

and she loves me back.

Tim, you get paid to say that.

She probably said
you were the best she ever had

and that Tiny Tim was huge.

Ha, ha, you can joke all you want, Mark

it doesn't matter, because I'm in love.

I'm in love with Kendra.

With Kendra?

Yes, a million times, yes!

Mate, why don't you sit down,

because I think maybe you've missed
the entire point of last night.

All right.

[light mandolin music plays]

[Johnny] Ooh, I better get this.

-Here you go, sugar tits.
-Thank you.

[exhales] Ah, right.

Could you please put some clothes on?

Could you please take some off?

Oh God, it was so awkward.
What the fuck was she doing there?

And to add salt to the wound,

I had to sit there fake smiling as usual.
Ugh.

I've got lockjaw on a daily basis now,
ugh.

What, from giving loads of blowjobs?

No. Oh God,

if I have to fake it anymore,
I'm going to get a brain hemorrhage.

[yawning and mumbling]

I'm sorry, am I-- Am I boring you?

Ugh, ah.

Don't go, sugar tits.

What you're doing is great, right?

I'm really proud of how far you've come.

Just [inhales] breathe.

-Uh-huh.
-It's all in the fucking mind now, yeah?

-You got to stay focused.
-Uh-huh.

-[clicks tongue] Yeah?
-Yeah.

Think of everything
we can do with it, yeah?

I can buy therapy.

Great chat.

[scoffs]

-You used me.
-I thought you knew what we were doing.

-How could you do that to me?
-Because, Tim,

I thought you knew what we were doing.

Why? Because I don't have feelings?
Because I don't have needs?

-Oh, for God's sake.
-Oh, good old Tim, we'll use him.

All he does is sit around
and watch porn all day.

Ah, uh, he won't mind.

He's probably spanking one out
right now as we speak.

-Were you?
-Yes.

-Well...
-Well, that's beside the point.

You assumed that
I was too insensitive to care.

Prick me, Mark. Do I not bleed?

Tim, I remember telling you
the actual words

that it was a fake date.

Congratulations, Mark, because I do care.

I do bleed.

[huffs]

Tim.

[door slams]

-Tim?
-Yeah.

Do you want to go on a quick holiday?

Yeah, all right.

[classical music plays]

-[Connie screaming]
-[music crescendos and abruptly stops]

What the hell.

Honestly, you barely notice it.

Are you blind,
or are you just a fucking moron?

I like it. I think it suits you.

You're a moron.

I'm not the one who put hair
removal cream in my shampoo, am I?

What the hell was hair removal cream
doing in there in the first place?

I'm sorry, but do you want me
to have a hairy back?

[crying]

Look, the uh, car's going to be here
in less than an hour,

do you think maybe you'll have sobbed out
all your boohooing by then?

[Connie crying] No!

No? OK. Then maybe you have a big hat?

No, I do not have a big hat,

and if you think
I'm going to go out in public

looking like this--

OK, well, then I'll uh,
I'll cancel the car and the holiday then.

Thank you.

I'll, uh, call the church
and postpone the wedding too.

What?

Well, if you can't go out in public,
I assume

you have to wait till your hair
grows back to get married.

So if-- I mean, think of the photos.

No, it's fine.

-Is it? Are you sure, slappy?
-[chuckles]

It's not bad.
It's actually like you said, quite good.

Look at all the things that I can do

that I couldn't do
when I had too much hair.

Great,

-so all good for the holiday then?
-Yup.

Cool. I think I have something
that might help.

[Mark] Come on.

In case you were wondering,
I wore it for a fancy dress contest.

I was Cher.

[under her breath] No, I wasn't wondering.

I wore it a bit better than you, though.
That's probably why I came second.

Excellent, there they are.

Surprise, road trip.

Oh my fucking God. This is your surprise?

-Who doesn't love a road trip?
-Me.

-Come on.
-I don't.

-Let me help you with that bag.
-[Mark] Yeah, yeah, of course.

Thank you, pal. Hello, love.

-Hi, babe.
-Hi.

-Nice to see you. Your hair.
-Yes, my hair.

-Look at you.
-Yup.

-Ready?
-[dog barks]

What the-- What is that?

Oh, say hello to Ducky.

I hate dogs.

Trust me, it'll be fun.
Come on, get the door.

-There you go.
-[Kendra] Thanks.

Excuse me. Timmy, all right, pal.

So, No, no, no, no, no, please.
Hello, Ducky.

[Tim] Hello, Ducky.

There you go.

Come on, hurry up. Come on, let's go.

[electronic piano music plays]

[car horn beeps]

[Mark] She is so slow.

Waiting all day for you, come on.

[Connie] Tim. Tim,

could you please tell your stupid dog
to stop breathing all over me?

I'm going to be sick.

Ducky, stop breathing
on your auntie Connie.

There's a good dog.

You know, Tim, this is,
this is a lovely car.

It's much nicer than I was expecting.

-How did you afford this?
-Ah, you know.

No, I don't, that's why I'm asking.
How did you afford it?

Popped it on the old credit card.
No need to thank me.

[chuckles] Yeah. Stop going on about it.

You don't have a credit card, Tim.

[Mark] Where is the lease agreement?

You put it on my fucking credit card.

Like I said,
no need to thank me, all yours.

-You've hired it for a fucking month?
-Yeah.

-Just-- Fuck me!
-[Tim] Shit.

Fuck me. God, sorry.

Motherfucker.

-Oh, are you all right?
-That's going to stain.

You think? Fucking joke.

What is?

Everything.
Everything you have done is a joke.

All right, keep your hair on.

What is it?
Do you just wake up every morning

and think of all the things
you could do to annoy me?

I'm struggling to fathom

how someone can operate
on such a moronic level.

Really? I thought I completed you.

Let's not mistake the fire
for the fireman.

Oh, interesting distinction.
Let's see where she goes with this.

OK, uh, where to begin?

You have the social grace
of a syphilitic gorilla,

and I can't go anywhere
without you humiliating me.

That's not true.

OK, what about the concert we went to
where you sung along?

-It's a concert.
-We were at the opera.

Well, excuse me, your majesty!

OK, and then the time
I took you to my favorite restaurant,

and you complained
the food was undercooked?

I like my steak well done.

It was steak tartare.

It's supposed to be raw.
You fucking moron!

If I'm such an unbearable monster
to be around

why don't you just
call the whole thing off?

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with H.

No, no. No, no. No, you don't.

-Hedge.
-[Kendra] No.

-Haircut.
-[Kendra] No.

-Hitchhiker.
-[Mark] Oh, yeah.

-Don't, don't, don't. No, no, no, no.
-Yes, we're going to do it.

-Cool car, guys.
-Thank you.

Cool dog, cool dog. Fucked him?

No? That's a cute dog, man.

You farted? No?

[Connie] Fuck off.

Fair enough. Anybody fancy a threesome?

There's five of us.

Yeah, well, two can watch, one can film!

[screams]

[groans]

[acoustic guitar]

I'm just gonna change my top.

Were we supposed to be leaving
Connie behind?

[Mark] Fuck.

Fuck, I wouldn't even do this on purpose.

[Mark] Oh God, look, she looks so happy.

[Mark] I'm so sorry.

I'm really sorry, Connie, can you just--

Can you say something?

Call me stupid or useless?

Something?

[pensive emotional music plays]

[sniffs]

[crow cawing]

[Connie]
What do you mean we're sleeping in a tent?

We're sleeping in a tent.

[Kendra] Come on, it will be fun.

[Connie] Oh God,
why are you pretending to enjoy all this?

[Kendra] Could ask you the same question.

What do you mean by that?

You clearly don't love Mark.

-[scoffs] Of course, I do.
-Really?

Well, then name something
you even like about him

because you clearly don't struggle to list
the things he does that piss you off.

I knew this would happen.

Yup, you still blame me.

'Course not. You were such a good friend.

It's not my fault
you can't hang on to a boyfriend.

Fiancé, and yes, it is
if you're the one who fucks him.

[Tim] Come on now, I've got your dish.

-[Ducky growls]
-[Tim] I have it.

Oh, beans?

-Not really a big fan.
-Right.

Going down to the supermarket, anyone?

Knock yourself out.

-I'll come.
-Right.

You know what? I saw a lovely pub nearby.

Spork.

It's not yours, Ducky!

-Are we taking this too far?
-No.

Was it honestly an accident leaving
Connie behind?

-["You think I am so stupid" playing]
-Yes.

Are you sure it hasn't just become
second nature to be mean to her?

Most people would've moved on by now.

Really? You moved on from your fiancé?

No.

Thanks.

Rip up the letter. You'll feel better.

I don't think revenge is the answer,
and I don't think you do either.

Well, that's working for me.

-Here, go on.
-No.

Let's destroy the evidence.

-[phone camera clicks]
-What are you doing?

What I should've done from the start.

I'm sending it to him.

Maybe Connie deserves this,

but are we any better by being
so dishonest and manipulative?

Getting your dignity back
has got be worth something, isn't it?

Yeah, but I'd like to point out
there is a big difference

between getting your dignity back
and getting revenge.

Maybe it's just time that
on behalf of all men

that have been duped
by some scurrilous gold-digger

that I get a little payback.

Bollocks. Don't play the victim.

Don't pretend this is some grand crusade.

-This is about your fragile ego.
-Oh?

Here's the thing I don't understand, Mark.

Connie is already
a fundamentally unhappy person, right?

So, why are you wasting
so much of your time and energy

on trying to make her even more miserable?

There's no prize at the end of this.

And I don't think she's the only
one who's being punished.

I'll settle the bill.

♪ I can breathe without you ♪

[cellphone dings]

♪ I am here ♪

♪ I can live without you
I can breathe without you ♪

[sighs softly]

-[snoring]
-[crows cawing]

[rustling]

Oh my God, oh my God.
[cough, cough] Oh my God, oh my god.

[grunts, groans]

[Connie] Come here, you little shit bag.

[Mark] Connie, can I have a word?

[Connie] Come here. No, leave me alone.

Come on. Give it to me, stupid dog.

[growling]

-[Mark] Connie.
-Mark, leave me alone! Leave me alone!

-No, get off. No, no, no, no.
-Connie.

-Connie.
-What?

-What!
-I just want to have a chat.

Oh, you want to chat?
What do you want to chat about Mark?

What nugget of brilliance
have you got for me today?

Have you got another fucking surprise
up your sleeve?

Are we going to the sauna
with your fat friend, or maybe,

I'm going to go winkle picking
with Kendra? That would be fun.

That wouldn't be awkward, would it?

Tell me, Mark. I'm waiting on tenterhooks.

I'm waiting with bated breath

to hear what earth-shattering chat
we're going to have.

[mid-tempo music]

Don't leave me in the dark, Mark. Tell me.

-Nothing, Connie.
-Oh, good. So can we go home?

No, not yet.

Of course.
We're going to stay another night

-in this luxury, five-star field.
-Nope.

-Well, what then?
-We're gonna, um--

Oh, no, I'm gonna stop you right there.

I don't want to ruin the surprise,

'cause you know how much
I fucking love them so far.

Yeah well, you know what?

You'll probably hate it like
everything else, wouldn't you?

Ugh. Where's the bathroom?

Oh, it's over there
next to the five-star restaurant.

-What restaurant?
-Oh, that's right. We're in a field.

-Go behind the bushes.
-I'm not going behind the bushes.

Go wherever you want, Connie.
Just do it downwind of me.

Fuck you. Fuck off!

You get out as well.

What, a fucking lunch box?
Fucking camping.

Whose fucking shit idea was that?

Could you help tidy up?
Fucking done with camping.

Fucking done with it. Never again, never.

[mid-tempo rock music plays]

Connie! Connie!

Connie, are you asleep?

-Connie.
-[Connie] What? Shut up.

-Are you asleep?
-Yes.

I was just checking.

-[thud]
-Ah!

[mid-tempo rock music continues]

[Patrick] We're here.

Kitten. Why do you do this to yourself?

We'll have to get Alexa to sort you out.

If you insist on looking
like a drag queen.

Couldn't you at least look
like a pretty one?

Oh my God. Mom!

I thought she said her parents
died in a house fire.

Pumpkin!

[excited laughing]

-[kissing] You look awful.
-Oh, God.

Surprise.

Well, hello, Mr. Beefcake.

-Let's get you out of these wet things.
-They're not wet.

Oh, must just be me then.

-I'm out of here.
-No, no, Tim, I need you.

Come on, puppy. We're going home.

Unlock the car.

Welcome, welcome.

-See you inside.
-[Tim, mumbling] Mark.

-Trust me.
-But she--

So, you're the lucky chap
marrying my daughter, then?

-No, afraid not. Best man.
-Oh, best man?

-Yes.
-Are you a rugby player?

[groans]

Don't take one. We don't want to have
to squeeze you into your wedding dress.

Or indeed, the church.

How are you, Alexa? You look like
you've had a few late nights.

Hmph, what a chief.

Sorry, what?

I think it's a goth thing.

-Chief.
-Thank you.

Very kind of you to put us all up, Carol.

Mm-mm, my pleasure.

Connie doesn't have
that many friends over here.

Yeah, I wonder why.

Oh no, she's talking to herself again.

I hope that doesn't mean
we have to send her back to the clinic.

Well, I'm not paying for it,
and she's your problem now.

-[Carol giggles]
-Do you want some bread, Chief?

Dad, will you say something?

Alexa, don't waste food on Connie.

You know I recognize you.

I'm one of Connie's oldest friends.

She used to come here every day.

Oh yeah, the sexy one.

[Kendra] Oh, God.

They used to be best friends.

"Best friends." You mean only friend?

Until Connie fucked Kendra's fiancé.

-[Carol] Alexa!
-Pork chop.

-You bitch.
-Language.

-Chief.
-Well, I must say,

that doesn't sound very sporting, pumpkin.
I hope you apologized.

No, Daddy.

-[Patrick] Gabby.
-Yes, sir.

More bread.

[whispering loudly] Not for Connie though.

And uh, Gabby, fill this up, would you?

-[slap]
-Oh, there's a good girl.

[grunts]

[Patrick] So, you're going to make
an honest woman of my daughter, then.

If I'm expected to give my blessing,

I need to know that
you're going to make her happy, Mark.

What's the point, if you're not
going to make each other happy?

It's a kind of embarrassing, but um,

I spent most of my childhood
daydreaming about my life with Connie.

[Patrick] Oh, you're right.

That was embarrassing.

No, no, no. That's really sweet.

Connie is so lucky
to have met someone like you.

-Yes, very lucky.
-Very lucky.

Very, very, lucky.

-Really lucky.
-[Patrick] Very lucky.

-Yes, very, very, very lucky.
-Chief.

Yeah, I'm a firm believer
in traditional standards.

Woman's place is in the home and whatnot,

or in the kitchen,
if you can't afford a maid.

That's very progressive of you.

Hmm. Can you afford a maid, Mark?

I am working on it.

See, I want Connie to be independent,

not so reliant on Mom and Dad.

Yes, Daddy.

That's why we spent her inheritance
on Alexa's promising pop career.

[sings] Chief.

Now, I know that some people may see me
as a bit uh, old fashioned, that's fine.

The world goes on.

But there are certain things
that I simply will not accept.

-[Mark] No, of course not.
-[Patrick] I mean, don't get me wrong.

I know that when you're young,
things can seem very confusing.

I myself had crushes on some of the...

bigger boys at my school.

[Connie] Oh, good Lord.

Captain of the football team and so forth.

Harmless innocent fumblings,
heavy petting, gobbling,

that sort of thing.

But the point is one grows out
of that type of behavior.

I suppose so.

More wine?

I'm going to pace myself, if that's OK.

Hmm, suit yourself.

Gabby! Top up, please.

[grunts]

[pigeon coos]

My God, let's get out of there.
I couldn't fathom what he might do next.

Yeah, minging isn't it?

Yeah, it's awful.

-Almost makes me feel sorry for her.
-Hmm.

-Explains a lot.
-Yeah, it does.

If I didn't know any better
and say what you said about her in there

-is how you still feel.
-[slow sentimental music plays]

It's a good thing you know me better then,
isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

You do still have feelings for her?

-How silly. [sniffs]
-Yeah, you do.

This isn't about punishing her
because she deserves it.

This is about punishing her
so you don't have to let her go.

No. No, that's not true.

You've just been validating
your decision to stay with her.

-Really?
-Yeah.

OK, so what's my alternative?

All right, I go in there, end it,

walk off blissfully to the sunset
hand in hand with Tim?

-Yeah.
-Yeah,

how's that working out for you
and your ex-fiancé? Are you happier now?

I feel like myself again.
I feel like I've moved on. I'm not angry.

-I'm not angry!
-Then what are you?

Lonely.

I wish I could end it. I do.

I wish I could just walk in there,
be done with it.

I can't. I just--

[sighs] I've been in love
with her for 20 years, Kendra.

I can't just-- I can't just end it.

Mark, you're not in love with her.

You've been infatuated with her.

You deserve to be happy.

You should be with someone
who really understands you

and appreciates you and cares about you.

We both know that's not Connie.

Oh, come here.

[somber music plays]

-[house creaking]
-[thunder]

[wind howling]

[music box plays]

[thunder]

[dramatic classical music plays]

[door knocking]

Who is it?

-I'm coming in.
-Please don't.

-Hello, foxy.
-I think you're in the wrong room.

No, no, no, no, we can do it
in any room you like.

I can't fight it any longer.

Your persistence has finally paid off.

You're going to get a...

-[smack]
-spanking.

All right.

[music intensifies]

My safe word is "Camembert."

Well, my safe-word is,
your husband terrifies me.

Don't mind me, old chap.
I'll be good as gold.

Ducky, you better cover your eyes, mate.

Don't be such a spoilsport.
You'll love it. [chuckles]

-[Tim] No, no, no, no, no. Camembert!
-[Patrick chuckles]

[woman screaming] One more time.
One more time.

[Tim] Your husband terrifies me!
Your husband terrifies me!

[indistinct shouting]

[sighs]

[slow pensive music plays]

[sighs]

[crying]

-["Play Dead" playing over phone]
-♪ You know the way my blood runs ♪

♪ 'Cause darlin' you're the only one ♪

♪ Can you and I go somewhere? ♪

-[thunder crashes]
-♪ Go somewhere we can be alone ♪

♪ Lying like John and Yoko ♪

♪ or fake our deaths and leave ♪

♪ Am I tripping, are you with me? ♪

♪ 'Cause darlin' you're the only one ♪

♪ The world is going mad ♪

♪ You and I can hide away ♪

♪ I can't stand the TV screen ♪

♪ Turn it off, pull the plug ♪

♪ They can try, they won't find us ♪

♪ Slow down your heartbeat ♪

♪ Close your eyes and don't speak ♪

♪ Lay with my body ♪

♪ Play dead, play dead with me ♪

♪ No need to escape. ♪

♪ We can find our own way ♪

♪ You got me hiding in cupboards ♪

♪ Play dead, play dead with me ♪

♪ We'll stock up some ration ♪

♪ So we don't have to leave this room ♪

♪ I'm dead, don't care what happens ♪

[yawns]

Morning, sleep well?

[groans]

-Ah.
-[groans].

Morning, handsome.

[Carol] Timmy? Timmy?

Timmy?

[exasperated sigh] Ah.
Anyone seen Beefcake?

I think I saw him going for a run.

Oh, thank you, Kendra.

OK. Tim? Timmy?

[metal clanks]

-[Carol] Timmy.
-[dog barking]

[Carol] Get down, get down.

She's been eaten by the dog.

Cons, so how was the road trip?

Did he get all grabby,
or did he keep his mitts to himself?

Ugh, he's not like that.
You're confusing him with yourself.

[Johnny laughs]

[exhales]
So, when you speak to your lawyer next,

you need to make sure
he gives you some shares too.

Right, that's where the real payoff's
going to come from.

Where is the idiot?

Why do you have to call him that?

Look, it's still half of his money.

There's really no need to add insult
to injury.

Says the trollop who's literally about
to rip out his heart and dance on it.

"Literally."
I'm "literally" going to do that, am I?

I'm "literally" going to open
his chest cavity,

rip out his heart and dance on it?

Any particular dance?

It can be fucking Gangnam style
for all I care.

Any girl will be lucky to have Mark.

Oh, fucking hell. Jesus.

You haven't got that...
Stockholm syndrome, have you?

-[sighs]
-Hang on in there.

I need you to sit tight with me, OK?

We're going to have so much fucking money.
So much fucking money.

Think of all the things
we can do with each other.

Think of all those lovely,
lovely anal beads I can get you.

Hey, Siri, call Fuckface McFlippy Nips.

[Siri] Calling Fuckface McFlippy Nips.

[phone ringing]

-Oh, shit, it's him.
-Who?

[stifled groaning] Him, him!

The bloke we're talking about.
Fucking Mark.

Answer it, moron.

-Hello.
-Johnny, how are you?

Good, good, good, good, good.
What about you?

Good,
just wondering what you're up to tonight.

Not a great deal, mate. No plans as yet.

-Perfect, why don't you come over here?
Hmm?

Bye. Twat.

I'm just going out for a bit.

OK.

-Just to the shops.
-Didn't ask.

Can I get you anything?

No. I'm fine, thank you.

Hey, so I just wanted
to apologize for my family.

[lighthearted music]

Don't be silly,
you've got nothing to apologize for.

Yeah, no, I do. [chuckle]

It's like being around a bunch
of wild animals on heat at that place.

We all have our burdens, don't we?

You have your family, and I have Tim.

I wish I could be close to them,
but, my loss, I guess.

See you later.

See you later.

[Mark] Thanks for coming, mate.
It's really nice to see you.

-[Johnny] Oh, thanks for inviting me over.
-[door slams]

Oh, here she is. Look who's here.

Ah, Connie.

Hey, Johnny.

-Lovely to see you, too.
-Hi.

Uh, sweetheart, we're out of wine,

so I'm going to nip to the shop,
grab a bottle.

Uh, you'll be all right for ten minutes,
won't you?

-Yeah, no problem, chief.
-Be back in a bit.

[lighthearted music plays]

What are you doing?
He's going to be back in a few minutes.

Taking my shoes off.
A few minutes is all I need.

No. No. Stop it. No. No.

-Connie, come on. It'll be exciting.
-No. No. Stop it.

-Stop it. Stop it.
-Come on.

Stop it! Now! Stop it! Stop it!

[Mark] They think I'm so stupid.

Oh, he's got his trousers off now.

Oh. Come on. Already?

[phone rings]

-Hello.
-[Mark] Hello.

Hi, yeah, no uh, I couldn't find
the bottle of wine I wanted,

so I'm going to pop down
to the supermarket.

I'll be about 20 minutes.

Yes. I'll see you in a bit.

Love you.

I don't think you're gonna find
that closure tonight, mate.

-[Connie] Stop it.
-[Johnny] How long we've got?

[Connie] For what?

For this. Come on.

Twenty minutes, and no.

-Shut up. No.
-Yes.

-No!
-Yes!

I don't understand. Why won't
my fiancé have sex with that man?

-Some people, eh?
-Yeah.

-...your panties in such a twist.
-Nothing.

I just have zero interest in having sex
with a fucktard like you.

[door slams]

Put your fucking clothes back on now.

Jesus Christ, you're being
such a fucking bore, Connie.

He's so annoying.

[grunts] Here you go. Good luck.

Thanks. Enjoy the show.

[lighthearted music plays]

-Fuck me, what happened in here?
-Hello, mate.

-Is it warm in here?
-It is a little bit toasty, isn't it?

Hey, I didn't know
you were going to be back so soon.

Yeah,
well they didn't have the wine I wanted,

but then I figured you're just going
to put water in yours anyway, so--

[laughs]

-Uh, Johnny.
-Yes.

-You like red?
-I bloody love it. Red.

Good. Man after my own heart.
Just say when.

Of course.

Oh, ah, shit!

Uh, Johnny, I'm so sorry.

-And so careless of me.
-That's fine.

It's very clearly
going to leave a big stain on your shirt.

I sort of prefer it that way, anyway.

If you don't mind, I'm just going to get
this tablecloth cleaned up...

No, no, no, no!

-No, no, good one.
-No, no,

-this is my favorite tablecloth.
-No, no, no, no.

Why don't you just let me
wash my own tablecloth?

No, I think it's part of the design.

My mother gave me this.

-Did she?
-Yeah.

-Yeah?
-Johnny, give me, give me it. Johnny.

[groaning] No.

Why are you so attached
to this tablecloth, Johnny?

No.

Just give me the tablecloth, Johnny.

Just leave the fucking tablecloth alone,
you prick.

Give me the tablecloth.

-[lighthearted groove music plays]
-[groans]

-Huh.
-The thing is, mate...

Yes, the thing.

Well, I thought I'd just,
you know, have a little one.

Right. That's your good idea?

Should we do this another night?

Great idea. Fantastic.

-You mind if I--
-Yeah, help yourself.

Love mint.

Johnny, you should--

Oh, I need those.

[Johnny blows kiss]

[door closes]

Got you something.

What's this?

Prenup.

[door opens]

-[sighs]
-[door closes]

[sighs]

[mid-tempo music plays]

[scoffs]

He's a sneaky bastard.

Why is he doing this to me?

Because deep down, sugar tits,
he knows you're a conniving cow.

Oh, and thank you for leaving me
high and dry last night.

So, that's it then?

No. No, no, no, no, no. Not at all.

You see, this states that everything
he gets before the wedding

remains his.

Uh, well yeah, it's a prenup. Duh!

Shh, shh, shh, shh... Just-- Shh.

What I mean is

he's thinking the money
is coming in before the wedding.

-And?
-And...

I might just have to take another
little trip down to accounts

to delay the contract by a few days

until after the wedding.

[Johnny, imitating Connie's voice] Thank
you, Johnny. Oh, Johnny, you're so sexy.

Oh, please, please, take me now.

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.

-["Just You and I" playing]
-Something. Something. Ugh, fuck off.

♪ Too many chugs, I'll be passing out ♪

♪ 'Cause I can never keep up
Quad vods now I'm puking up ♪

♪ And I know, I can tell you anything ♪

Well, I'm going to go out on a limb

and declare this
the worst stag night ever.

Yep.

-Congratulations, mate.
-Thank you!

Now, is it just me,
or are we way past the point

where we're supposed to stop doing this?

Little bit longer, pal, it's almost over.

[waiter sighs]

♪ You're the only one ♪

♪ Who brings light just like the sun... ♪

-♪ One step at a time, just you and I ♪
-[phone rings]

Hello.

Hello, this is Peter
calling for Three Bells Catering.

Just ringing about tomorrow's wedding.
You must be excited.

Anyway, I wanted to double check
guest numbers, please.

I think he had an updated list somewhere.

Uh, yup, that's four extra confirmed.

-Great. One more thing before you go.
-[music intensifies]

♪ My darling you and I ♪

♪ Take over the world ♪

♪ One step at a time, Just you and I ♪

♪ 'Cause, my darling you and I
Take over the world ♪

♪ One step at a time, Just you and I ♪

♪ 'Cause you're the only one ♪

♪ Who brings light just like the sun ♪

♪ One step at a time, just you and I ♪

♪ Yeah, one step at a time,
Just you and I ♪

♪ Yeah, one step at a time
Just you and I ♪

Hiya, which club did you come from?

-Who the hell are you?
-Having a last night of freedom party.

You don't mind, do you?

Well, we are getting married
in the morning.

Yeah, but we got strippers tonight.

Hence, last night of freedom.

Well, have fun.
I'm staying at my friend's tonight.

You sure? We got kebabs.
We've got enough for everyone.

I signed the prenup. Happy?

Why wouldn't I be?
I'm getting married in the morning.

Bye, Connie.

See you tomorrow.

["Leave a Light On" playing]

♪ The second someone mentioned
You were all alone ♪

♪ I could feel the trouble
Coursing through your veins, now I know ♪

♪ It's got a hold ♪

Well, mate, let's get the party started.

♪ Just a phone call left unanswered
Had me sparking up ♪

Gonna get my head down,
get an early night.

What? But strippers.

Have fun.

More for me, mate. Come on, girls.

You're having this.
Where are the kebabs at?

♪ There's a house upon the hill ♪

♪ Guiding like a lighthouse ♪

♪ To a place where you'll be safe to feel
At grace 'cause we've all made mistakes ♪

♪ If you've lost your way ♪

♪ I will leave the light on ♪

♪ I will leave the light on ♪

♪ I will leave the light on ♪

[Young Mark] Everyday you're on my mind,
I love the way you laugh.

I promise to always treat you kind,

like you're my better half.

I'll keep you close to my heart,
Where you will always be,

And hope we're never apart,
Forever you and me.

♪ Tell me what's been happening
What's been on your mind ♪

♪ Lately you've been searching ♪

-♪ For a darker place to hide ♪
-[laughter]

Stop it.

♪ That's all right ♪

♪ But if you carry on abusing
You'll be robbed from us ♪

♪ I refuse to lose another friend
To drugs ♪

♪ Just come home ♪

♪ Don't let go ♪

I'm in heaven.

Mate, mate, take a picture. Please.

♪ I will leave the light on ♪

♪ I will leave the light on ♪

♪ I will leave the light on ♪

♪ If you look into the distance
There's a house upon the hill ♪

♪ Guiding like a lighthouse
To a place where you'll be ♪

♪ Safe to feel at grace
And if you've lost your way ♪

♪ If you've lost your way ♪

♪ I will leave the light on ♪

♪ And I know you don't know ♪

♪ But I need you to be brave ♪

♪ Hiding from the truth
Ain't gonna make this all OK ♪

♪ I'll see your pain
If you don't feel our grace ♪

♪ And you've lost your way ♪

♪ I will leave the light on ♪

Cheers.

♪ I will leave the light on ♪

♪ 'Cause I will leave the light on ♪

[church bells ringing]

[inhales loudly, groans]

Psst, psst!

Is there a bucket nearby?
I think-- I think I need to vomit.

Hangover that bad, is it?

It's not good, but

Baroness von Strap-on is not helping.

-Priest.
-Can't we do this sitting down?

What you sitting there for,
you big lump of shite?

-Excuse me, sorry. Joe?
-[Joe] Hi.

-Is it done?
-I've got some bad news, I'm afraid.

There's a delay with the contract.

Some sap forgot to put
the correct witness info on.

They've assured me it'll be re-signed
first thing Monday morning.

Money will clear into your account
Tuesday.

OK.

Mark, just remember the prenup's
not going to cover

any contract signed after you get married.

Thanks.

What's he playing at? Hey, gobshite.

Get your ass down here.

Sorry.

[Kendra] Any last minute notes?

[wedding march playing]

Well, all stand up.

Patrick.

Oh, there you are.

You can sit down now.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

to witness the coming
together of Connie and Mark

and to celebrate the communion
they are about to make.

Is there anyone here present

who knows any reason

why Connie and Mark
cannot be joined in marriage?

Speak now or forever shut your face.

Yes?

[coughs]

Then we can carry on then, can we?

-Please do.
-Thank you.

Have you got the ring?

Thank you.

Do you, Mark Walwyn, 'wyn,

-promise to take Connie Nicholson
-[organ playing intensifies]

to be a lawful wedded wife,

in sickness and in health,

for richer or poorer, better or worse?

I do.

What?

[priest] And do you, Connie Nicholson,

promise to take Mark Walwyn

to be a lawful wedded husband,

in sickness and in health,
for richer or poorer,

better or worse?

No.

Good, then you may now kiss the-- What?

I said no.

What are you doing?

You deserve so much better than me.

I know about the money.

I know, I don't care.

I do love you though.

No, you don't.

Thanks for saying it though.

Sorry about your hair.

I'm sorry about it all.

Why didn't you end it?

Couldn't.

I love you.

You're supposed to say "yes."

[stammering] Baby, baby,
he's gonna get away with our money.

It's not our money. It's his money.

-Are you insane?
-Sit down.

Um, what money?

-Just made 20 million.
-[crowd gasps]

-[Patrick] Fucking hell.
-[Alexa] Chief.

God, can I have a million pounds then?

You can have half.

Buddy, um,
can I have half a million too, please?

Johnny, will you shut up?
Will you just fuck off?

Take your fucking weasel dick

and your little fucking hooker
and get out.

It's not a weasel dick,
and she's not a hooker. That's hurtful.

[Johnny] I'm going to make a move.

All right, come on, come on.
I just need to get out of here.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

[Johnny's mate]
Am I still getting my money?

[Johnny] No, not a fucking bean.

She's a-- She's an escort.
She's an escort!

There's a difference.

Hope you all die!

[somber piano music plays]

Sorry, everyone.

Sorry.

-Sorry.
-That's all right.

I get paid either way.

I don't judge. That's God's job,

and he don't exist, by the way.

[wedding march playing]

-[sighs]
-It's OK.

Please don't be too touchy, Kendra.

He seems to be very fond of you.

-Do you think--
-You can fuck off too.

OK. OK.

[slow sentimental music plays]

Cracking wedding, fella.

Yeah. We should do it again some time.

Oh yeah, definitely.

So, when do I get my half million then?

-How's Tuesday?
-It's all right, I suppose.

Thanks for being so patient.

By the way,
what is this invention of yours?

Tim, we've lived together for four years.
You don't know what I do for a living.

Honestly, no.

-It's an app for airline pilo--
-Yeah, no, I'm not interested.

-[Carol] Hello, foxy.
-Oh, God.

Mark, I am
a little bit disappointed in you,

but if you'd like to date Alexa,

we would definitely consider it.

-Chief.
-[mid-tempo guitar music plays]

Kendra, I can't take back what I did,

and it probably doesn't mean
a whole lot more to you to tell you

there hasn't been a single day
where I haven't been filled with regret.

I'm truly so, so sorry for hurting you.

Here, keep yourself dry. Bye, bye.

-What's wrong with you?
-Nothing, just horny.

What? Wonder where he's gone.

You're disgusting. I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, Mark, your wedding present's arrived.

-[Mark] Tim, no!
-Yes.

How did you afford this?

I just popped it on the old credit card.

How long have you hired it for, Tim?

-Ah, just three months.
-Just three months, eh?

Coming out of your half.

Yes, sure. Look after Ducky for me. Ducky!

[car engine revving]

Well, at least Tim isn't going
to sleep with both your parents again.

If I didn't know any better,
I'd say you're kind of enjoying this.

[giggles] Maybe. A little.

-["Restless" playing]
-[Mark] If I'm being honest,

all my life, I've come across
like a lobotomized hamster

when it comes to understanding women.

And at the age of 30, having just
blossomed into a multi-millionaire,

I know even less.

So, if you think I'm giving up

on that cold-hearted,
gold-digging trollop,

just as she's starting to like me,

think again.

♪ Don't you know
That I'm just restless, baby ♪

♪ Don't you know
That I'm just restless, baby ♪

[electronic club music plays]

[Mark sobs loudly]

There, there.
Cry your tiny little eyes out.

That'll make it all better. Yeah.

[blows nose and chokes]

How could she do this to me?

It's like I already told you.

She is a lying, cheating shit.

[coughs and cries]

The best thing you can do, right,

Is to chuck her out
and let me and Ducky move back in.

No, I don't want to. [crying]

[Tim laughs]

[groans, coughs]

Well, what are you going to do
about her then? Kill her? No.

[mid-tempo music plays]