Original subtitles

Ask if it's Horceface

That's a ‘no’ from the gods

Still a no

A ‘Yes'll]

You MORON!!!

MOVE ON!-----MOTHERFUCKERSI!!1

Gee, who gave me this to suck on?

Gee, who gave me this to suck on?

Can't you leave me in peace?

It’s Tooth-Socket Fang from North Port again.

After Dad stepped out of the mob world

he started a B&B instead of a photo shop

It's a place every mobster calls “Your Home is My Home”

Anyone who is on the run or in trouble

so long as they’ve got a mob name, they get to stay for free

Boss

Boss

Tooth-Socket Fang from North Port

You've been here five times already this week

Sorry for the trouble, Boss

I'm on the run again.

You bring a chick when you're on the run?

Boss

Every brother in the North and South knows

Your home, is my home

You might as well have gone to an ELDERLY HOME

Oh, c'mon...

Fine. Fine

What's with the cigarette?

See the rule over there?

Look

Low sink bottom loud?

Your bottom is loud for sure

“No cig butts allowed!”

Two matches

A gallon of gasoline

You're --Thunderbolt Liul

Yes, Boss

Thunderbolt Liu indeed. I'm on the run

I need to stay here for a while

Not a problem

You know the rule, don't you?

No cig butts allowed

There you go

Soymilk from Bang-Kah

Soymilk from Bang-Kah

And Mad Dog from Dadaocheng

The show is on

What the fuck you looking at, Mad Dog?

Get a shot for your rabies for Christ's sake

Shot your ass

What...

You think you still have soy juice in you?

That you'll have to ask your wife

What the fuck did you say?

What'ya gonna do about it?

Give it to them

What'ya gonna do?

Say it again, I dare you

QOuch...that hurts...

It hurts, man

Smile.

Let's see it

That's right

You've got to smile

With a smile, there's no hostility

Without a smile,

your balls will soon be no more

Here you go

Is he new?

Not bad. You're quick in the head

From my experience

Some customers would get careless

and drop their chopsticks to the floor

All T have to do is carry a pair with me

so that when he needs a new pair, I can easily hand him one

Smart. Very smart

What's this string for?

My master taught me this

With a string tied to my weenie

I give it a tug when I want to pee

and my weenie will slip out

this way I won't have to touch it

so I can keep my hands clean

Sanitary. Good

Wait a minute

How do you put it back in

after you peed?

I don’t know how others do it

I put it back in with the chopsticks

No wonder it has that weenie taste!

(water the plants)

(prepare lunch)

(make coffee)

(clean the septic tank)

(clean the water tower)

(Rat extermination)

(fix the cracks on the wall)

Home Sweet Home

In our family there's my dad, my mom, Grandpa and me

Every morning, my mom takes me to school

While my dad sleeps in

and Grandpa goes around doing nothing

We each go our own way, seek our own future

until the sun sets in the west, and it’s time one returned home

with his last breath

Oyster sauce

Shrimp

and egg.

My dad is the chef

Every day he performs for the ladies to make a living

I call this dish -

Shrimpy-Eggie Mess

Meanwhile,

my mom says no to no one and lies to everyone

Baby,

call your dad and ask him when he'll be back

Daddy, Mommy wants to know when you'll be back

Tell your mom to get on the phone

Mommy, Daddy wants you on the phone

Mommy is busy. You tell him for me

“It's past 9 and where are you, knucklehead?!

If you don’t come home soon

there ain't no room for you in my bed!”

Grandpa is retired but not tired.

Every day he volunteers to direct traffic in the streets

Can you tell me how to get to Jiuzong Road?

Thank you.

Usually the five of us get along really well,

except on the day I get my report card...

36

32

27

24

What's this? Hong Kong lottery numbers?

Shouldn't you at least give me some Taiwan numbers?

At such times my mom would side with the devil

while my dad performs the brutal rites

putting me up as a sacrificial offering

And Grandpa would only sit and watch

You see, my Home Sweet Home

Look at this kid, all guts and character

Who taught him that? His grandpa

I'm not bullshiting

That a boy

Which countries today?

Brazil against Spain

NBA?

No--It's the World Cup.

When is the Chinese Taipei team playing?

There's no Chinese Taipei team. Too weak to compete

How about we try scoring some goals tonight?

Nah,

not a good idea.

You don’t win a point by shooting into your own goal.

Then, how about we get married?

With..whom?

What?!

Forget it

Ninth Mother Goddess in heaven

It’s been a tough year

We haven't had a single drop of rain

and it's approaching harvest time

Please tell me if there will be rain this year

Yes, there will be

When?

That's nothing for you to worry about

Rain will come

on the birthday of Ninth Mother Goddess

However...

However, what?

I need someone to be here

Who?

Your little sister

I...I1 don’t have a little sister

Don't try to fool me

Just remember, your little sister is the one I need

On the birthday of the Ninth Mother Goddess

bring your sister to carry the sedan chair

That way there will be a good downpour

for the villages to have a good harvest

Hey, young lady,

guess how old I am?

I'd say...under 30?

No way!

I turned 35 eight days ago.

I would like a pack of cuttlefish

You're such a hottie, Miss

Boss, how old do I look to you?

Probably...

28

Oh, you're so kind.

Bye

See you again

Hey, elderly--

Elderly? How impolite of you

Try young man

Young man

Yes?

How old do I look to you?

How old you are? Hmm

I can’t guess by looking

I'd have to touch

Fine

Touching hands won't do

Where do you have to touch, then?

I'd have to touch you -- here

I don't believe what I'm hearing

Don’t you take me for a pervert

If you seek accuracy

here

here

I have some money

Take this

If I guess it wrong

you can have it

If you guess my age wrong, all this money is mine?

That's right

Fine. Come on

How old?

Can't tell with just one side

Need to touch both sides

You done yet? How old?

35 and 8 days

No way!

I'm right, aren't I?

Yes

Alright. Give me my money back

How did you guess that?

I can’t tell you

You'll kill me if I tell you

No I won't. Go ahead

You won't kill me?

OK, well, you were buying some ice cream earlier,

I heard you say

I was standing in line

You—dirty pervert! Asshole!

You know, you don’t wear a helmet like that

What do you know

This way it blocks the sun

and I get in no trouble with the police

I'll be long dead before you get my thinking

Hey, Grandson

what're you doing here?

That's the chopping board your mom gave me

Why are you playing with it?

Not bad.

But

a bit small though

This is a computer

Wow. Technology is amazing.

It turns a chopping board into a computer

You wouldn't know it even if I told you

Why aren’t you in school today?

I called in to take a day off

You called in for a day off to play with computer?

Yeah. So?

Who taught you to talk like that?

You're sounding like me when I was a kid

Grandson, go hide.

Your teacher is here

Hurry.

Go hide

Your teacher is here

You are the one who needs to hide

What are you talking about?

Why do I need to hide?

I told them my grandpa died

You can’t be serious

What kind of a grandson

tells a lie saying his grandpa died?

Oh no, where should I hide?

You...YOU are?

My grandson told you I died, didn’t he?

YES

Yes, that is true

As per tradition, I have returned today to visit the living

Teacher

What're you doing scaring people like that

You are the one who just scared me

Listen,

what I am most afraid of is ghost

Yet nothing is more frightening than people scaring people

What the hell does “peephole” mean?

The saying goes --"People scaring people.

The living can frighten the dead.”

Teacher

Coming to pay you a visit

is costing me a near heart attack

We are the ones having a heart attack

What are you here for?

You'll have to ask your son

What did he do?

What did he do?

He hit someone at school

and knocked out the kid's three teeth

Now the kid's family is asking for 200 grant per tooth

What? 200 grant for a tooth?

That's right

Is he getting ivory for replacement?

You tell them, with ivory replacement

the kid won't be able to eat walnuts

I'm very sorry, Teacher

Baby

tell me why you hit someone

Because he called me a bastard!

For our assignment we had to turn in wedding pictures of our parents

I was the only one who didn’t have them

No wedding photos means your parents never got married

That means you are a BASTARD!

Hey, Teacher

Who called my son a bastard?

Not me

Then who did?

Not me

Which kid was it?

You tell me which one he is

I'll go to school

and sew up his mouth

The kid's got some

fucking nerve...Fuck him!

Dad!

My son took after you

Can't you see you are a bad influence for him?

You're still up?

How could I sleep?

I wanted to come and say I'm sorry

I didn't mean to be a bad influence for your son

You know, when you were growing up I was never around

Now that you have a son, he’s my grandson

I wanted to make it up to you, so I tried teaching him things

I won't do it again

I'll try to be a good grandfather

I'll behave in front of him

Dad

Dad, we're family

There's no need to say sorry

I know you love my son

and I know --

you love me too

Don’t cry

You are so good at making me cry

I feel so blessed having you beside me

All right

I swear to you

If I ever cuss again in front of your son

then I'm the son of a bitch

Fuck!

Oops...

Forgot...

You selling undies these days?

Boss

That potbelly good-for-nothing of mine

didn’t come home last night

He showed up

all drunk this morning

in these panties

You must do me justice, Boss

Your husband has loose screws in his head

He should at least wipe his mouth

if he ate something he shouldnt have

Don’t worry

I'll take care of it for you

Boss

If this happens again

and again

Don’t blame me for handling it myself the harsh way

Fuck you all!

Have you gone horny again?

What did you do to her?

No...thing...

That was...

Nothing?

Every time you say ‘nothing’

there's gotta be something

I mean it when I say ‘nothing’

What're these?

Well...they’re, uhm...

You sick bastard.

What'd you steal my panties for?

They're yours?

Oh stop it.

Like you've never seen them before y

But her husband...

Those are mine

Hey Big Sis,

haven't seen you in such a long time

So after all these years

we're still wearing the same brand of panties?

What was a girl to do?

I lost all my money in a game last night

got nowhere to go

had to make some quick cash

Damn

Was my luck bad or what?

The guy was drunk as hell

even walked off with my panties

Since when do you have a younger sister?

Hey -- You must be my sis’s old man?

Wanna guess how old I am?

That won't be necessary

You'll have to be younger than your older sister

Aren't you smart

How did you find this place?

Oh, you know,

when someone is out of money on the run

she'll come up with certain skills

Just one sniff

and she knows where her family and friends are

Am I right, Brother-In-Law?

Uh, yes. I know what that’s like

Wanna touch again?

No no no

Bro,

you've been gone for so long

You might want to give your wife a call first

What if she has a lover in there?

A lover? No way

I wanted to give her a surprise

Oh, I see.

Let's go

My neighbor, Wang

Wang?

You go and find a mobile phone

OK

That's your husband screwing my wife

Damn--

Motherfuckers

Wang, you're a dead man

I want you to regret this big time

Regret...?

Oh boy, it’s been such a long time

Dickhead, dickhead

cheating behind my back

cheating behind my back

Wow...

That dickhead

Just thinking about it makes me furious

I want another revenge

You fuck another woman

Fuck another woman

I dare you do it again

Dickhead

No way I'm letting him off easy

Dickhead

Dickhead

I hate your guts

Dickhead

Fucking bastard

I'm burning with RAGE!

I...I don’t hate them that much anymore

But I still DO

This joint used to belong to my father Boss Pinch

Now that David Loman has left the mob world

and I have been released from prison

Escaped

You should return the joint to me

Pinch Junior,

I think you're getting this wrong

Even though Boss David has left the mob world,

he was your father’s only successor

This will never change, in the heart of every mobster

Here

On me today

Please don’t mention this again

Bro, show him what we're made of

We have no money no mob

What shit can we show him?

You have no money no mob

But you have a friend

Wow, it's Shen

Wasn't he long finished in that Hong Kong movie"“Infernal Affairs” ?

Mind you, you are in the movie “David Loman”now

Not Infernal Affairs

Mr. P.S.Y.

Mr. P.S.Y.? What's that?

E-very-day

Pudgy, Short, Yuck

Get it?

A fly

I have come --

for her

She's the love of my life

Yet she stole from me what's most precious to me

Which is what?

Ants?

What does it mean?

Just be straight with me

Help me find her

and I'll help you get rid of David Loman

But you'll have to keep this a secret

A secret

Or else...

A fly

Is it really that important to get hitched?

Of course it is

I've always believed that as long as we love each other

we have a life

and a kid together

that’s good enough

And if we were to marry

we'd have to make it a big thing

Well, who am I to tell you what to do

With Nana and me

I've asked her to marry me a number of times

but she just kept on staring at that wedding dress

saying she’s waiting for someone

You've been looking at it for years

and the dress is not even ready-made

When do you plan to wear it?

I'm waiting for someone

Waiting--for--someone, she said

For whom?

How would I know?

Next-door Wang?

Hey

you better stop with that

Let her hear it

your balls will be busted literally

Look at that

What? I need to concentrate here

Stop with the staring

She is working hard for an audience over there

She needs encouragement

You know?

Thank you dear

Wait

Beware of poison

Wait

Beware of scam

Wait

This could be a setup

Wait

Beware of trap

Auntie

Auntie Nana...

Ouch, my ears...

they're going to break off

Yes...

You totally read my mind

Seriously

Of course you can

Whatever you say is fine with me

Okay

Of course she doesn’t know

Why would I tell her?

I'll call you later

Know what?

What're you talking about?

Who're you talking to?

Leave a man to his business

Let me see

See what?

Your phone

Give me a kiss first

2...

Give me that

Deleted

God damn it! You crazy?!

Blind or something?

Fuck

Oh you smell so good

It’s adorable

Let's go

DL Special Force, right?

I want an autograph

Sign here...

Go after that car.

Go

Miss, you're not wearing a helmet

Need to catch THAT pervert of the century

No time for such petty things now

Just go!

OK! Off we go!

Left, left, left

Turn left

Turn right

Turn right here

Turn right

I said turn right

What are you turning left for?

"AN HE 19% + *$NR@

Stooop!!!

Go girl

You need a hand there?

Excuse me,

you are fined for not wearing a helmet. $500

(Business closed temporarily due to shortage of water)

< Starting the 4th of next month>

Coming

Here's some water for you.

Don’t waste it

After your bath, save the water

SO We can use it to flush the toilet

Best to save my bath water --

for you

The two of us bathe together —

even better

Brother-in-Law!

Help!

What's the matter?

Oh it’s so scary! There's a cockroach

Where's the cockroach?

Where is it?

It’s over there

It’s over here

Over here, over here...

Oh, sooo00 scary

Brother-in-Law,

I'm so000 scared

Don’t be scared.

You've got me right here

A cockroach is just frightening.

Please don’t go

What do you mean don’t go?

Brother-in-Law,

would you like to guess my age again?

No, no.

I can’t touch you again

Why not?

Back then I didn’t know you were my wife's little sister

But now I do

You are my SISTER-IN-LAW

So?

My sister is not even here

Your sister is not to be messed with

She's got a pair of eyes in the back of her head

I don't care

I really, really want you...

You want...me...

I really want you to stay here and chat with me

You know what

I used to have a boyfriend

whom I loved very, very much

But then...

Then what?

One time we were taking a bath together

and he farted!

That's no big deal.

I fart and poo at the same time

No, the thing is

When he farted,

out came a condom!

Oh, that’s just over the top

Farting out a cond...

Hi Mrs. Loman

You sort out your issues with me

What are you doing here?

I'm...trying...

to poo

Pooing gives you a nosebleed?

I was trying too hard

You have an ass for a face?

You come out with me right now

We have two types of sedan chairs here:

Wu Jiao and Wen Jiao

I know:

Wen Jiao is for flying

and Wu Jiao (rhymes with napping) --

would be for --

sleeping

Nonsense.

Be respectful

That’s not it

Now listen carefully

Wen Jiao is heavier,

because it has a roof

So when carrying it,

one needs to have steady gait

That's the only requirement

But for Ninth Mother Goddess

Mother Goddess

Her Wu Jiao -- is lighter

so it’s better fit for performing

Jiruba, do you know?

1 2 3—left, front, right

Bona-fide White Flag!

Emperial Babe has won>

Oh fuck the race!

Stupid horse

Always charging at the wrong time

Fucking stupid

Stop that, I beg you

I don’t care how you behave back in the house

Now this is for the whole village

Show some respect

Respect?

When you got me into this shithole

did you think of respecting me?

You happy now?

I see you've come back for revenge

Bingo

I've waited so long for this day

I won't let you off easy

I've blamed myself for 20 years

What else do you want from me?

You blamed yourself?

And that'll do?

Who's gonna give me back my life?

Who's the one that got me into this deep shit? Tell me!

Eat some more, Sis

Do you recognize anyone here from the fight that night?

I don't recognize anyone here

So, you're willing

Have a drink

I...I1 don’t drink

You don’t drink?

That's just perfect

Your sister is out having a good time

How about I show you a good time tonight, huh?

No, thanks

Let's go

Nana!

Where were you when I got dragged away?

Where were you when I needed you the most?

You left me there back then

What gives you the right to tell me what to do now?

Why don’t you say anything?

Why did you leave me there?

Why did you leave me behind?

Tell me!

(Two cups of rice with 3 bowls of water, plus half a bowl for the cooker)

(Microwave - use with care)

(Coffee beans - 1 small cup, Water - 1 2 cup, Time - 3 2 minutes)

(Knife - no kid allowed)

(This kitchen is no home for ants)

(Water the plants morning and night)

I am leaving.

I see that I am not needed in this house

I can no longer take care of this family

I've written down the chores on the sticky notes

Don’t look for me.

You are a criminal in love

Tell me

Where can your—

true—

heart--

be?

Come, villagers

Come line up for water supply

Line up right here

No need to push...

No need to shove

Please be considerate to others

This is good exercise for you

You call yourself a young man?

I carried four barrels and I'm not nearly as tired

Hold it

Sip it.

For the sake of water saving

That's right

With this shortage of water, you can’t drink like this

You see what I'm saying?

Can't they read the sign? We are closed

Who is it?

Hello, there. I have a DVD for you.

DVD?

A porno film?

I bet this porno film is exceptional

I stopped paying for the service already

My dear big sister

This video is for you

I wanted to see

if you were getting on fine all by yourself

but now I see

you are not alone

During my stay here

I've done things to upset you on purpose

That's because I wanted you to care about me more

Don't take it to heart, okay?

Sis, listen to me

Please cherish David

Be thankful that you have him, Xiao Ho and the others

Compared to me

They are more like family to you

Dear Sis

No matter what happened in the past

I want you to remember

I will always love you

You are my big sister, forever

I love you

Hello

We have no water here

Come stay when we have water

Sorry about this

Bro,

guess who I am

What the hell?

I have no fucking time to guess who you are

Can't tell from my voice?

You'll surely remember my father Boss Pinch?

You're Pinch Junior?

Glad you're shaken up

Listen up

I want you to hear someone’s voice

You should know who she is

There

If you want your daughter back safely

Give me your sister-in-law

You didn’t tell him the time and the place

Okay I call again

Bro?

Guess who I am

What're you, idiot?

You said that already

I've long left the mob world yet

they won't leave me be

Things like this always catch up with you

There's no such thing

as free will in the mob world

If Pinch Junior dares to seek you out,

he must be prepared

Every man must meet his own debts

You go and get help

I go look for my sister

Wait a minute

with you gone

who's going to look after my grandson?

My sister can help with that

Your sister?

Since when do you have a sister?

She’s my half-sister

My father had her with another woman

We can talk about this later

For now we need to focus on rescuing Jin

You're right

I'm going to let them regret this

I'll show them what David Loman is made of!

Watch me come and go>

I'm no goddess you know>

Just twirl with the music>

Watch me come and go>

I'm a wind that swirls>

Watch me come and go>

I'm no goddess you know>

Dear Ninth Mother Goddess

I'm your faithful believer Nana

Please tell me how to find my little sister

Ninth Mother Goddess in heaven, I await your word

Where you have come, there you will go

Where the seed is sown

there flower will grow

If you wish to trim the plant

you'll have to return to where it is planted

What does that mean?

You asking me? I've said everything I could say

You need to figure it out yourself

I can’t live your life for you, can I?

Right

(2016 The 50th International Boar Competition)

Oh boy am I hungry

Let's get some food first

then we go find help

What do you want?

Pick one. What do you want?

I'll have a dog drumstick

Okay, dog drumstick for you

And I'll have a hot weenie

Fuck you!!!

Hot weenie? You asking for beating or what?!

Stupid. Can't even read

Why has your boar won a gold medal?

My boar here is very special

You want to know why?

Every day during mating,

It can do it twice, three time, even four times

Hear that? Few times a day!

I have a question

Does your boar

do it with the same sow every time?

Of course not

My turn to ask you a question

When you go to a lounge bar

would you hook up with

the same woman each time? Never

There you go

You hear that?

A man needs variety

I'm sick of the same one every day!

Shit

Silly Pork

Hey

Master

That pair of idiots again

Ever since I married my wife

I no longer meddled with things in the mob world

Look at her, she hides her powers well

She drains a man like a water pump

an ordinary man would be sucked dry in no time

good thing I've been practicing The Ultimate Yin Kung

This is the piece I've been practicing with

You kidding me

I can hang up to 300 kilos with my thing down there

That's how I keep my wife happy

A jolly bird she is every day

Holy Mother. 300 kilos

You can hang up a cow

Silly Pork

You took off with the Ferrari, didn’t you?

A Ferrari is nothing

When I was young

A truck this big -- I drove it

like a race car

If you wish to rescue your daughter this time

The One-Finger Technique I taught you before won't work

Why not?

Haven't you been following Pinch Junior on Facebook?

Legend has it that this steel-made chastity belt

is the toughest armor for ass protection in the history of mankind

Back when Jacky Chen was trapped on the Fire Island

he got through those countless long nights

wearing this belt

It’s a real shame

that the secret ways to destroy this belt

have been lost over the many wars in the past

Then what do we do?

Don’t worry

From handling my wife's sexual hobbies

I've figured out a way to crack it

Hold your breath

You're going to smash this piggy head of mine

How is it?

Feels good?

What does this steel-head technique have to do with the chastity belt?

Absolutely nothing

That was for my wife

she thought you look ...

Your looks are asking for it

Makes me feel good to beat you up

Agree

So I got beat up for nothing?

No, no, no. Not for nothing

For the sake of saving your daughter

you endured beating like that

This shows you are qualified to learn the next thing

This

If you master this one

You can get through a wall made of steel

what's a little chastity belt?

Stick it in any hole you find.

Dig one if there's none

Easy, easy, please

You have to get through this,

for Jin

When we go home I'll tell my daughter

to kick you out of her bed

Again?

No swinging please

No...

Master

How much longer does this thing have to dangle?

Until 12 O'clock

12 O'clock

Almost there

OK, almost there

12 O'clock midnight, tomorrow

What? Midnight...tomorrow

@#$&F*%&*%#

Catch her

Take them away

You work hard, okay

I'll return in 49 days to check on the result

Take them away

You talk too much

This happens again, you get no pudding

What's going on? What's wrong with him?

You have some luck, mister

It’s no everyday affair to run into one loony

and you ran into two!

That Silly Pork

He gambled in the market

and lost 21 games being the dealer

He lost his pork stand

and went mad since

The two of them together is powerful, I tell ya

As powerful as this —

The Ultimate Yin Kung

I wish you a very long and durable -- you know

Off I go. Take care

Don't let them get away

and his loony wife

What the hell am I doing this for?

Sis,

I'm making this wedding dress for your wedding day

Really?

But I don’t know how long we'll have to wait for that day to come

It doesn’t matter

I'll make sure to get it done before your wedding day

(Lin Zhou Ma Girls Sign-n-Hug Party)

Oh thank you

Lin Zhou Ma Girls! We love you!!!

Oh, thank you

Lin Zhou Ma Girls! We love you!!!

Right back at you

Hey! Lin Zhou Ma flowers!

It's that geezer David

What's he doing here?

Oh dear, poor Jin

How can God in heaven be so blind

and let them kidnap Jin

That's why I've come to you girls

I need your help to get her back

But it’s not going to be so easy

We are celebrity now

When we go out we need to get made-up

What if some paparazzi steals a shot of us?

We can't just run around helping you

Exactly

Have you any idea how many fans we've got?

We are international super stars now

We are, indeed

Alright. With all that said

The three of us...W e have no husband for such a long time now

We're practically all webbed up down there

Come on

Pretty please

No, I can’t

Why is that?

Not too long ago I went to see Silly Pork

to learn some new technique

You know, the 300-kilo technique

Oh, fuck

Stop with all that bluffing

Hi, Kwan

She’s Miss Kwan?

Yes, she’s our manager

She had her face redone or somethin’ ?

You want our help, don’t you?

If Kwan says no

We can’t possibly help you

That's right

Please help me, I'm asking you

You know the unspoken rules in show biz, don’t you?

You need a favor from us

don’t you think you need to make sacrifice?

That's the way it goes

I get it. You want something in return

Fine

But let me make it clear

I'm in a rush right now

so only four moves per person

No more than four

Deal

Sis

Oh, sis, what's the rush

Oh dear.

Done

Coming

Oh, in the name of my mother

Holy holy holy

Done

My turn

Finally

Oh, Daddy~

There goes my last breath...

Done

Wait, not done yet

No no. Finished

Now wait

You can’t go as slow as those girls

Fuck. Shut your mouth

I'm super fast

You can’t go over four moves

Did I ask you anything? Shut up already

1,2,3,4...2,2, 3,4

3, 2, 3, 4 Once again -from the top

I did four women whose age add up to be 300 some years

What a fucking loser I am

How could you take off just like that?

You all went "1234...,once again”

At his age he’s still so naive

Unspoken rules my ass

Boy that was good

I am so sorry, Nana

Me--David Loman

I fix all kinds of disputes in the mob world

yet I was toyed by those women

The eldest of the three flowers

she’s in her 80s

And that Miss Kwan

she was pinching me

David

I love you, my baby Nana

Oh, how I have suffered

I need a hug

Hug

You need some spanking, is that it?

No, it's her perfume...

Oops

kissed the wrong side

Hello?

What?

The Golden Horse Award?

Golden Horse?

Tell them I refuse to go to any of the “Golden xxx” awards

No...

Hello?

Hello?

No one’s inviting you to the Golden Horse Award

Then who called?

To set foot on the red carpet of the 50th Golden Horse Award Ceremony

Every filmmaker and their cast and crew

worked hard day and night

Tonight, they are the Iron Men and Women of movie business

but it is the path to stardom many dream of

It is not an easy path to walk down

many have stumbled and wobbled on it

Some have received awards like flipping pages of a book

no matter what films they make

(number of nomination for these directors)

Renowned Directors, welcome home

The one walking the middle there

no award went his way no matter what he did

but he’s here regardless

striding down as the first with a heart made of steel

the remarkably charming Director Chu

On the other hand, someone once said

he'll never show for any of the Golden XX awards

yet he not only attended the Golden Bell

he’s come to the Golden Horse tonight

that odd or what?

Do I hear you scream?

I'll lure him away

You go get Jin

Over there

Where's she?

Where's she?

You go first

You go first

You think I'm stupid?

Do I look like a baboon to you?

Yes you do. Coming here all by yourself

Scarlet Jxx is wearing only panties

Scarlet Jxx is wearing only panties?!

Where's Scarlet IJxx ?

Where is she?

Fuck! There's no Scarlet!

Damn idiot

He fooled us

Go after him

Hurry hurry

Where could he be?

We look separately

You go that way

Let's go

You changed your pose

I knew it was you

Jin?

What're you doing here?

I've been looking for you

What?

I was here

Okay, shhhhh

Here

Been a while since I last used this

You, a criminal in love

Protest (shouting)

Where's your hat?

1% *R@! *0#@

Loony

Have you seen someone with the same hairdo as you?

A toilet seat, just like yours

%1?7@ *0#@ *@

You crazy

You look quite familiar to me

19 #*X@! *@%

Loony

I've got a question for ya

You MORON?

MOVE ON!

MOVE ON, huh?

Quite a performer you are

Someone is hurting our tribesman

Boy it stinks

Forget it

Don’t be like this

Listen to your dad, okay

A fight between a husband and wife

shouldn't last that long

At the end of the day, you're still family

Who's family with him?

We are not even married

What's the matter with you?

No hands

I was going to tell you something

Here you are

I've been looking all over for you

Look

I've picked the ring

Like it?

Jin...

That's a crime to kick a man down there

It could cause him to go barren

You don’t understand

This ring is for ...

Good catch

Perfect

It's all good now

Three days of rain

We have you and your sister to thank

You did good work

I've been wiping my body for four days

Today I'll take a nice, long shower

Scrub yourself squeaky-clean

Who's ringing the bell?

It's that tall guy again

Taking my beloved Hottie away from me?

Over my dead body

Over my dead body

What the hell is he saying? I don’t understand a word

It’s English

English. I see

Why did you run away from me?

You know as well as I do

things wouldn't work out for us

Fine.

Then give it back

What?

Give me back what's most precious to me

When you left

you took with you

my heart

You know that?

Fucking hell

hitting me in the head again

Oh Pudgy

Pudgy honey

Are you okay?

Does your head hurt?

No, it no longer hurts

with you next to me

That better be true

It’s always been true

So he’s your sister's boyfriend?

She's got quite a taste in men

Guy like him with such short legs

fills the streets

why bother getting one from Hong Kong?

I suppose you have a long one yourself

Not really

His tail is long, mine is fat

Glad you know it

Mommy is gone

(To: A Criminal in Love)

Honey

I finally realized

to love someone is to give him the whole world

to set him free

So, I've decided to leave for a while

to give us both some time and space

Since we are not married

you can do whatever you want

If you choose to leave

don’t worry about our boy

Dad and Nana will take care of him

Jin

Listen to me, please

I need to tell you something

Let me explain

Stop the car

Ho...

Hey

Hey, wake up, you

Stop acting. Wake up

I said I wanted you to be happy

I wanted you to have the whole world

I wanted you to be free, not like this

I thought you were unhappy being with me

Then why did you come after me?

Get up, you

I'm telling you

Don't leave me all by myself

Who are you?

I know

You're the bitch whose panties he wore home the other day

Shameless bitch

He's my hubby

He's your hubby?

Sorry, she’s got it wrong

I'm her hubby

You—

—a criminal in love

Where are you going

What do you want from me?

When I'm around you don’t seem to care much

When I'm leaving you won't let me

It’s not what you think

Just let me explain

That woman is my half-sister

My father’s daughter outside of marriage

You take me for an idiot?

That day I went to pay my father a visit in the cemetery

Why would you talk to a sister like that?

Jin is not like this

she’s not the voluptuous type with, you know

She is more like...

More like what?

She's kinda tiny

and a bit spicy in her personality

If you were just picking out a dress

why did you have to wipe her tears?

At home, it’s like Jin takes care of three kids

It’s hard work, you know

I feel

I owe her a wedding

What's wrong?

You made me cry

It took us a long time to find this

One karat

You like it?

What does it have to do with me

What do you mean

You like it or not?

If you don’t want it I'll toss it

I'm tossing it

Gone

No way. It’s in your hand

You really tossed it?

I thought you didn’t want it

Are you missing screws in the head?

That's a one-karat ring!

Put me down

You're going nowhere without me this lifetime

But I have to get my luggage...

Wow. Your figure stayed

the same these 20 years

Haven't needed to change an inch

Thank you for making this dress for me

Thank you for waiting for me all this time

Hello my bride, here you are

Your husband is waiting for you with a hard-on

Sis, did you hear that?

Give her a break, will you?

Fine. Hurry and go

Okay

I'll see you later

What's this ?

Didn't you give me one already yesterday?

This

Well—

This is...

What did you buy that for? There's one already

This belonged to Jin’s mother

You know, I was all broke

So broke I nearly got arrested

I sold everything

except for this ring. I just couldn't

Good thing you didn't sell it

What are you so tense for?

I have to give this to Jin

but I just can’t, I don’t know why

I feel so nervous

I think I somehow misjudged myself

I used to be so bold

Back when I used to gamble for a living

I never once winced at the possibility of losing

What makes me so nervous now?

Why don’t you come with me

I'll feel better with you there

Hey

You are her father

You'll have to get through this one on your own

You're Big Boss David, are you not?

Go. Jin is waiting for you

But if I give her the ring now

she'll think of her mother

What if she gets all sad?

It's her wedding day

Can you stop worrying?

To Jin, you are the best father she can have

She'll be overjoyed to see this ring

I think you should put it on for her

Yes

You're right

I am very grateful to you

When I started this B&B

You helped build this place

every step of the way

Never even complained once

When we are done with this whole event

after the wedding

I'll sort things out for us

I'll give you a home

Dad

Am I beautiful today?

Yes

Very

Look at those beautiful eyes of yours, they're just like your mother’s

Today is your wedding day. I am very happy

There's something I wanted to say to you

I haven't been a very good father

When your mother died you were still very little

I had to be the mother, and the father

I didn’t do a good job in either

I'm very sorry

Dad

So, I've decided

to give you this very important thing

It’s your mother’s

only dowry

when she married me

No crying

You're the bride today

It's your wedding day

You'll ruin your beautiful face

Dad

I don’t ever want to be apart from you,

marrying or not

Daddy doesn’t want to be apart from you, either

You will be living with your husband, that’s all

I will always be your father

That's something

Eye dazzling

Truly amazing

A strong man you are

Look at how it dangles

Hey, hottie

You look to be a hot shot

Oh really?

Really

You look too hot so you'll get shot

Hot shot

What the fuck?

Drinking this thing is very good for you

but you seem like...

How bad can it be? It's just a drink

What fucking shit

Screw your mother

Smack your grandfather

Which punkass motherfucker

served soysauce as cocktail drink?!

Fucking awful

Fuck this

This is bloody fucking bad

Go away

Punkass motherfucker

You with the broom

Who did this?

What's this?

What's this?

Don’t you think it’s too late

wearing this now?

Never

This just arrived from the US this morning

FBI's latest invention - RU786

It’s unbeatable

Useless piece of shit

I've broken them all in

with my special technique

What special technique?

Pinch Junior

Congratulations

Congratulations

He's here for the wedding

We are one big family now

One smile wipes all enmity

One smile

Wipe your ass...

Okay

Smile

Smile

My wife once said

With a smile, there's no hostility

Isn't that right?

Brothers

I--David Loman--have an announcement to make

As of today, I will step out of the mob world entirely

and mind no more business thereof

I will focus on taking care of my wife

And who is to take my place?

My successor is no other than the late Boss Pinch’s son

Pinch Junior

I did it

Is this for real?

What did I say?

Smile

Okay, smile

The bride and my son-in-law. Ready?

OK

OK

Come

Bridesmaids and best men

1, 2

Now, the Taiwanese gang. Every one of you

By Taiwanese gang

I mean those of you with tattoos on your body

That's right

Here we go

1, 2, snap

I said ‘snap’ not ‘scram’

Okay now, everyone who's had a fling with the bride in the past

Aww, don’t tell me you've forgotten

We swapped undies by mistake that time

Yes you

Snap for us

Thank you

Okay next—

Everyone who's been in the same bed as the groom

Fuck!

What did you say?

Who you calling old?

What, you won't ever get old? You won't ever stink when you're dead?

Okay okay

Fuck you! You--

I'm gonna fucking...

My mother

I'm his mother

He slept with me for years and sucked on my...

Now, tell me

How many women have you slept with before me?

I swear. You're the only one I've slept with

Liar

Because with the others I was up all night

No one -- I mean no one-- hurts my daughter