Original subtitles

# The Marseillaise #

# Lively Latin music #

# Romantic Mediterranean music #

# Lively Gypsy music #

How about the other half?

- Eh? - Another one of those.

Oh, ta. Have you got a large one?

I've had no complaints so far. ( Laughs )

Seeing's believing.

You won't need a magnifying glass! ( Laughs )

PATRON: Ooh! PUBLICAN: Ha-ha-ha!

PUBLICAN: Here we are.

No, no, no. Have it on me... if you know what I mean.

Oh! You don't have to draw me any diagrams.

Pity. I was just going to get my ballpoint out!

PATRON: Yeah, and write your name in the frost with it, I suppose.

- Bottoms up. - Is that what it is? You could have fooled me.

( Thud )

Evenin', all.

- Hello, Cora. - Harry.

- The usual, ta. - Vic,

- would you see to Harry? - I thought he'd been seen to years ago.

- How are they hanging? - Empty.

Soon fix that up.

Not for me, ta. I've just had dinner.

I hear you're going on your holiday tomorrow, then.

- VIC: Just a weekend. - All right for some. Taking the missus, too?

No, she won't go abroad. Doesn't like flying.

And someone has to look after the pub.

It's a package deal. 17 quid, all in.

Thank you. W-Where are you going to?

Some new resort in the Med.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Vic. Tell him.

It's a place called Elsbels.

Hey!

Elsbels? The island?

HARRY: Tomorrow? VIC: Yes.

Blimey. There's a coincidence for you.

- What is? - Sadie's going there on the same trip!

( Harry laughs )

Get away.

That's right, isn't it, Sadie? You're going to Elsbels.

Me? Oh... yes. I thought of going. Why?

Well, Vic's going on the same trip.

Really? Well, fancy that!

( Harry laughs )

Have a good trip.

Get off.

Well, that's it. How about a nice cup of tea?

You filthy, rotten, stinking beast.

- What have I done now? - Don't come the innocent with me.

You and that Sadie Tomkins!

(High-pitched) "Are you going on the same trip? Well, fancy that! Fancy that!"

Well, I don't fancy that at all.

What are you talking about? It's the first I've heard of it. Straight up.

Don't lie to me. You've obviously both arranged it.

Arranged it? If I'd known she was going, I'd have cancelled.

Good, because that's exactly what you're going to do.

As late as this? I'll lose my deposit money.

You'll lose a damn sight more if you don't.

Oh, have a heart. I need this holiday.

I can't go without it just cos she's going to be there.

If she's going, you won't be going without it.

What? Cor blimey, I wouldn't touch her with a bargepole.

No, but you would with anything else.

Oh, no wonder you've never minded going on holiday on your own.

Now, that's not true. I've always begged you to come with me.

All right, then. I will.

It's flying...

Flying... You don't like flying. Remember?

I don't like washing floors,

but I'd rather do that than you get some other scrubber.

I'll see the travel agent first thing in the morning.

( Mouths )

Hello there.

Afternoon, Miss Dobbs. Lovely day for it.

That's what they all say, but it won't get you anywhere.

I meant for the Elsbels trip, Miss Dobbs.

WOMAN: Oh, I say! I'm awfully sorry.

That's all right. Any time.

Let's leave the sightseeing till we get there, eh?

Good afternoon. Lovely day for it.

- That's what they all say. - I'll bet they do.

- Or did you mean the trip? - No, what I meant was... Never mind.

It's Mr and Mrs Flange, for the weekend to Elsbels.

If you'd like to take a seat, sir. You're not due to leave just yet.

- Hello. - How do you do?

- Are you girls going to Elsbels? - Yeah, that's right.

Oh, very nice. I'm Vic Flange. That's my wife.

( Dully ) Oh. Hello.

Never mind, love. Better luck next time.

The coach is here, and some of the party.

Well, we may as well get them aboard.

Of course. Mr Farquhar...

I want you to know how thrilled I am to be with you this trip.

I feel we're going to be just wonderful together.

Miss Plunkett, you're squashing my itinerary.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I keep forgetting what a big girl I am now.

Well, shall we get them out now?

- Why, Mr Farquhar! - The people for the coach, I mean.

Oh, those. Yes, of course.

Good afternoon. You may board the coach now. Have your tickets ready, please.

Coach? I thought we were going by air.

We have to go by coach to get to the airport.

But you didn't say that. I don't like coaches. either.

Blimey! You're determined to have a good time.

Ah, thank you. May I wish you both an extremely happy holiday?

Oh, thanks. Come on, Marge.

- That's enough of that. - Sorry. My arms are aching.

- Your eyes will be too by the time we finish. - All right. All right.

- Excuse me. Is this the Elsbels coach? - That's right.

- Oh, good. Excuse me. - Well, don't mind us!

Pardon us.

Blunt. Mr and Mrs Stanley Blunt.

- Do you have a ticket? - Naturally. Do we look like stowaways?

No, not at all, but I have to collect them.

Oh, for heaven's sake! Stanley. Tickets.

Tickets, dear? Yes. Er... in my trousers pocket, dear.

Well, produce them. Oh, why are you always so helpless?

( Stanley whimpers )

- For heaven's sake, keep still. - ( Whimpers ) Aargh!

( Giggling )

Oooh! Back! The back pocket!

Why on earth didn't you say so?

There.

Now, come along, and stop making such an exhibition of yourself.

- Ah, good afternoon, sir. Your tickets? - Here we are.

Thank you, Mr Flange. That's correct. You're travelling with Miss...

Er... no. Mrs. Mrs Flange. Mr and Mrs Flange.

Oh, but I've got you down as with Miss Tom...

No, no. That was all changed this morning.

- You've just got married? Oh, congratulations! - No, no, I... changed the booking.

I was coming on my own, but then she changed her mind.

- What's the trouble, Vic? - Nothing, darling. Nothing.

You got it? Two tickets. Mr and Mrs Flange.

- If you say so, sir. - I do say so.

Come on, darling.

I hope there's some young ones.

Oh, stop worrying, Marge. They said a party of young blokes was coming.

I certainly hope so.

Now, don't forget, Eustace, dear. None of that oily food.

And take your syrup of figs every night.

Yes, Mummy. But do stop worrying. I shall be quite all right.

Oh, I do hope so, dear. But I shall be praying to Him every night to keep your bowels open.

- That will not be necessary! - It's the least I can do.

Goodbye, dear, and take care.

Yes, dear.

- Ah, good afternoon, sir. - Oh, hello!

- Have you got a ticket? - Yes, I have. Have you?

- Of course. I'm the courier for this party. - How nice.

Ah, Mr Tuttle. You're travelling alone?

Yes, I am. Mummy has to stay behind to look after the hamsters.

- Oh, really? - Yes.

- Left alone, they start mating. - Oh, how interesting.

No, it isn't. It's all over in a flash.

Oh, I meant to tell you, dear.

Keep your woolly vest on, even at night.

Yes, Mummy... and goodbye.

Oh, and when you do go, always put plenty of paper down first.

You will look after him, won't you?

We look after everyone on a Wundatour, madam.

- Yes, but he's not like the rest. - I can certainly believe that.

He's very delicate, and not used to being away from home.

- Excuse me. - What is it? What do you want?

You're blocking their passage.

Yes, and that would never do, would it?

Oh, I'm sorry. Goodbye, dear.

Goodbye, Mummy.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Hello.

- How about these two? - Quite dishy!

Mr Tweed, Mr Phipps. Would you like to take your seat?

Thank you very much.

- Hello. - Hello.

Do you mind, please, sitting down?

Who the hell do you think you're talking to?

( Blows raspberry )

( Scottish accent ) Hey, son. Is this for the dirty weekend?

This is the four-day trip to Elsbels, if that's what you mean.

Same difference, isn't it? Ha-ha!

- Have you got a ticket? - Certainly. I don't expect to get it for nothing.

Not the holiday, anyway! ( Laughs )

Oh, Mr Conway, yes. Would you take your seat on the coach?

Well, I cannae leave it behind, can I?

I'll need it to drive the old point home.

( Laughs raucously )

( Continues laughing )

Hello there. All ready

for a wild weekend, eh?

Oh, well. Maybe not.

Hello.

Well, where's all the crumpet, then?

I don't think they give us any tea.

No. Women. Birds.

Oh. I did notice a couple of young ladies, back there.

Oh, no, son. That's jail bait, that is.

"Touch me and I'll tell my dad" stuff.

Hey, that look s a bit more like it!

I'll just give her a hand with her bags.

Allow me.

Oh, ta.

Be careful. It's not very well...

fastened.

- ( Chuckles ) - That's torn it.

Oh, I'll do it.

It took me a long time to get all that in there.

I'll bet!

Men!

We can't possibly leave yet. There's a party of 12 men to come.

There! What did I tell you? 12 of 'em!

Miss Plunkett's checking them now.

Ah. It's all right. Here they come.

Please! Please, working! Why not working?

Standing, leaning on shovels!

We four and five storeys yet putting up.

Work!

There's English people coming for happy holidays.

You very loving foreman.

We no work like this, so look at this.

Thank you.

- Let's go. - No, no.

It's nice here, look.

Are forgetting shovels. Little shovels. Small diggings.

Santa Cecilia! Floella! Floella!

Floella! Floella!

Floella!

Floella!

Floella?

Floella!

Floella!

Floella?

Floella...

Floella! The peoples - they are here!

What can I do? I've got enough troubles with the blooding stove!

( Stove sizzles ) - Argh!

Floellas, this is our first guests.

If we not making success, we are getting the sack s from the owners.

We've got to make them welcome.

Sure, sure, sure. We'll make them very welcome... I don't think!

With no blooding food! And no blooding staff!

OK, OK. It's my fault we got no blooding staff.

Where's Giorgio?

Should I blooding know? Sitting on his blooding arse, I suppose.

Giorgio! Get off the blooding arse! The peoples are here.

Giorgio!

- Giorgio. - Si, Papa?

Waking up! Making readies!

People coming. A load of sheets.

Si, Papa.

Ladies and gentlemens, welcoming to Palace Hotels.

Oh, we are in the right place, then?

Yes. This number one first-class hotel on islands.

Entering, please, but minding wet cements.

This way.

( They all grumble )

This is very lovings, no?

I beg your pardon? Oh, you mean lovely? Yes, very nice.

Is all brand-news. Tables not sat in, chairs not sat in, lavatories...

Yeah, we needn't go into that. Is the manager here?

Er... yes, yes. I fetch him. One moment.

Yes, well, I think we shall be very comfortable here.

It'll be all right when it's finished.

Oh, you won't let a little thing like that spoil your holiday?

Welcoming, ladies and gentlemens.

Welcomings. I am Monsieur P�p�.

But you were the doorman.

Me? No, no. That's Mario, my brothers.

Oh, yes, I see. Well, I'm the representative of Wundatours. Stuart Farquhar.

Stupid what?

Stuart. Stuart Farquhar.

- I think he was right the first time. - Ah, you Mr Farki-Hars. Having letters for you.

Good. I wondered if you were expecting us.

Certainly I'm expecting. My wife is also expecting.

Yes, well... this hotel doesn't seem to be quite finished.

Not finished? Oh, it's nothing. A little bit of building to finish.

Four or five floors. That's all.

Four or five floors?! You have got room for us, though?

Glad you mentionings. As a matter of factings...

( Whispers )

( Clattering ) FLOELLA: Blooding, blooding stove!

Oh, excuse me. The chef is not speaking so good English.

Well, could you show us the rooms you have?

Me? No, no, no. I fetch the porter.

Porter!

This way, please,

ladies and gentlemens.

Well, I think it is outrageous, asking us to share a room just because we're married.

I... I don't know, dear.

I thought it was quite reasonable, in the circumstances.

Oh, yes, you didn't resist. Any man with half an ounce of gumption would have refused.

Oh... actually, I thought it might be quite fun.

Fun? Fun?

Well, it is quite some time since we did it.

Erm... shared a room, I mean.

Stanley, you're not going to try to use this as an excuse to start that nastiness again?

No, dear, of course not. No.

I should hope not. You know I need a bit of peace and quiet.

Well, I can assure you that I need a bit, too.

Yes, well, we'll just have to try and make the best of it.

Now, I am going to get undressed and have a nice hot bath.

Oh, that's a... jolly good idea.

Well?

Er, yes, well, I'll just go out onto the balcony.

Don't forget to keep looking the other way.

We've got a shower.

Oh, well, that's something. Open the windows, and let's get some fresh air.

That's a good idea.

What's the matter with it? It's stuck.

Excusings, please. You liking towels?

Yes, please. Er... excusings.

Do you think you can do something about the windows? They won't open.

- Not openings? - No.

Holdings, please.

One minute, please.

It is easies, no? Thankings.

( Knock at door ) - Just a minute.

Please excusings. You like towels?

Stanley!

Yes, dear? What is it?

- Oh, I say. - For heaven's sake, Stanley, do something!

Yes, dear.

Dash it all!

This isn't good enough.

Can't you see my wife's undressed?

Yes. See, I see.

- She is very lovings. You very lucky mans. - You think so?

P�P�: Yes.

Big hip...

small waist... and boom-boom.

Stanley, will you get him out of here?

Now, look here... Ow!

I feel as though I were in a cattle market.

Yes, dear, I see what you mean.

( Sighs exasperatedly )

Oh, hello!

Argh! Stanley!

- Stanley! - Coming, dear.

Stanley, there is a man in our bath.

What? Well, what sort of man?

- What does it matter? They're all the same. - Well, yes. I'll just go and see...

I say, I'm awfully sorry!

Argh!

Not to worry. It's only Mr Tuttle.

But what is he doing in our bathroom?

Your bathroom? But it leads off my room.

I think I'm going to go mad.

No, hang on, please, before you go anywhere.

I think I'd better go and check.

( Snorts )

( Switchboard buzzes )

Recep-ti-ons.

- Ah, yes. My wife has a complaint. - You wanting doctors?

No, no, not that sort of complaint.

She's been to the bathroom, and there's a man in it.

Oh, it's all right. We not making extra chargings for this.

You don't seem to understand. This is a private bathroom - no?

Is right. Is private between two rooms.

But then that's hardly private, is it?

Oh, for heaven's sake! Give me that phone.

Hello. I wish to make a strong... complaint.

I've never had a trip like that in all my life... and with such fearsome people!

Have you ever seen anything like them? I swear they're all odd.

Isn't that typical? I'm going to give them a piece of my mind.

Oh, lay off it, Rob. We're only here for four days.

No, I've had enough. I am taking no more.

Hello?

( Buzzing ) - Excusing, please.

- Recep-ti-ons. - I have a complaint to make.

Complaint? Er... one minute, please. I hand you over to Room Servicings.

Hello, madams? About the bath...

I am handing you over to Room Servicings.

Oh, for heaven's sake! Hello? Hello?

Ah, Room Service?

And about time. Now, listen, my drawers have got no bottoms in them.

What? Who is that?

I want Room Service.

Well, so do I. Get off the line.

( Rattles phone ) - Room Service?

Ah. It's about our bathroom.

( Gasps )

I want to complain.

Er... one minute, please. I giving you Room Servicings.

Hello?

I've just found there's no back to my wardrobe.

What? What? Who is that? Is that Room Service? Room Service?

I wish to report a man in my bath.

Oh, go away. Go away!

Er... mind if I shower first?

Oh, go ahead. I'm going to wash my hair.

Hello?

# Cocktail jazz #

( Music stops )

( Music restarts )

( Music stops )

( Electrical fizzing )

- Aargh! - Blimey.

Vic, what are you doing in here? Get out of here!

Sorry. If I'd known you were here, I wouldn't have come.

Yes, all right. Just get out of here quick before somebody comes in.

You haven't got any soap on that bit.

Get out of here!

You see, I thought this was our bathroom.

I didn't realise there was a door...

What do you think of that?

I've never been so shocked and humiliated. Where's the phone?

( Constant buzzing )

( Clamouring voices )

Well, everyone seems happy enough now, I'm glad to say.

There is one matter I would like to take up with you, Monsieur P�p�.

No, no, it's not Monsieur P�p�. I getting him. You take.

- Me? - Yes, it's Room Servicings.

- Oh, I see. Yes. - ( Clamouring voices )

Hello. Room Service.

There is a man in my bath...

...with no bottom... ...and nothing on the other side.

- And as I bent over... ...she was standing there, starkers.

- When I pressed the thing... ...and tried to plug it in...

...sand shot out of it... ...and soaked me from head to foot.

Now it won't work at all.

Just one moment, please.

( Buzzing )

( Explosion )

Oh! Oh! Help!

Argh! Help!

Lovely night, anyway. Funny how everything look s better in the moonlight.

Pity we didn't have it in our bathroom, then.

Oh, don't keep on about it. How was I to know we shared a bathroom with her?

You need not have struck up a conversation.

A gentleman would have left immediately.

I was very embarrassed. I didn't know which way to look.

- You mean at which one. - Yeah... Oh, no, this is ridiculous.

I bet you're always the same abroad. You become an animal.

Right. There's only one way to deal with that, then.

And where are you going?

To get myself doctored.

Ooh!

- Yoo-hoo! Hello, girls. - Hello, Mr Tuttle.

I say, how about another little game before dinner, eh?

No, thank s, Mr Tuttle. Come along, Marge.

Oh! Hey, I'll get you!

( Hollers )

I think I'll get a breath of fresh air before supper, Brother Martin.

Evening.

Hello there. Are you having one?

Yes, thank s. I'll have a beer. What's it like?

Well, I cannae make up my mind whether it's gnat's or cat's.

You're making me homesick!

MARGE: Oh, no, Mr Tuttle. No more. You're too old for it.

TUTTLE: Oh, come on. You do enjoy it.

LILY: I don't.

TUTTLE: Oh, just once more. Bend over, dear.

MARGE: All right, then, but this is the last time.

TUTTLE: Here I come!

Ooooh! ( Laughs )

- Oh, please let me help you. - Oh, thank you.

LILY: I can manage.

Oh, all right. I'd like to apologise for that wardrobe business.

Don't bother. I hope you enjoyed what you saw.

Oh, yes! I mean...

Oh! Will you let go of me?

( Skirt rips )

( Screams )

Here's your skirt.

Your skirt...

Oh, it wasn't his fault. It was an accident.

I'll see to it.

Poor girls. I'll give them a hand.

I'm sure they can manage quite well enough without your help.

Jings!

Get a load of that, then!

That's the best bet of the lot, son.

- How do you know? - Well, I got the old green light, didn't I?

You did?

Begging for it... Pity.

VIC: Pity?

Makes it awkward. You know what happened to her husband.

What did happen to him?

( Whispers )

- Rat poison? She told you that? - Why? Don't you believe her?

Oh, yes. I was just thinking of her first husband. Nasty business.

Why, what happened to him?

( Whispers )

With an axe?

Next morning, they found him dead in the swimming pool.

Hey, George! Give us a large whisky.

Good evening. Good evening, everybody.

And what a lovely one it is!

There he is now. Go on. Tell him.

Er... yes. ( Clears throat ) Yes, dear.

Mr Farquhar, my wife... That is, we...

Well, the fact is, we're not altogether happy about the...

Well, that is...

Oh, for heaven's sake, Stanley!

My husband is trying to say that this is the most appalling hotel in which we have ever stayed.

BOTH: Hear, hear.

Oh, no. Don't be like that.

We're the first guests they've ever had. They're bound to have teething troubles.

More teething troubles than a crocodile with pyorrhoeia.

I am confident that things will get better.

And they need to, if I'm going to get a shower every time I take a leak.

Now, now, I think we'll all feel a lot better when we've had a good dinner.

FLOELLA: Aargh!

I can't do with the blooding thing!

If we are going to get any dinner.

Argh!

Why do we have to have a coke stove?

Why can't we have electric-tricity?

Santa Cecilia! How many more times?

Because coke is more dependable than the electricities.

But it don't burn! Look!

Mama, Mama.

All is needing is methylating spirits.

Wait.

Watching.

So, cook. Cook!

- ( Sizzling ) - Argh!

Excuse me, Monsieur P�p�.

We were wondering about dinner. They're waiting.

I'm sorry, Mr Farki-Hars. It's late, I know, but we are having troubles with the stove.

It's all cock, you see.

- I beg your pardon? - Yes, and with no wind, it is not burning.

Oh, you mean coke. Coke stove.

Yes, is right. Cock stove.

But not to worry. Is all right now.

Soon you have first-class number-nine dinners.

- Number nine? Oh, good. - With free wines.

Excellent.

- I'll tell them. - Giorgio!

Putting one bottle on each table, with the compliments of the mismanagement.

Yes, Papa.

Mama, Mama! Hurry with the soups.

If you'd all like to take your places. You'll find the seats clearly marked.

Yes, I'm three.

Here we are.

Ah, good evening, ladies and gentlemens.

Bon app�tits. Bon app�tits.

Well, it seems we're sitting with you.

Well, that's the luck of the draw.

I haven't been introduced.

My name is Blunt. Stanley Blunt. This is the wife, Evelyn.

Delighted to meet you.

Vic?

Vic!

- What? - How about an introduction?

What are you talking about? You know me.

To Mr and Mrs Blunt.

Who are they? Oh!

How do you do? I'm Vic. Vic Flange.

This is the wife. Don't laugh. ( Laughs )

Oh! I'm with you.

( Nervously ) That's nice.

I expect it's because we're on our own.

Well, I'm not on my own. I'm with Tuttle.

- Oh, I see. - No, he's supposed to sit here with us.

Oh, well, there is safety in numbers.

I hope so.

- Vino. - Ah, excellent. The wine.

"Spanish-type, Australian -French Burgundy. Produce of Hong Kong."

Clumsy.

Beautiful wine for a beautiful lady.

Well, was that supposed to be a compliment?

You'd better taste the wine first.

( Laughs ) Better watch it. He'll be pinching your bottom next.

- Not for me, thank you. - No? Don't drink?

I tried it once and didn't like it.

Oh. Have a smoke?

I tried it once and didn't like it.

- Strange. - Not at all. My daughter is just the same.

Your only child, I presume. ( Laughs )

( Laughs )

( Snorts )

Oh! Just in the nick of.

( Smoothly ) Hello.

Hot soups.

- Is good. - Better get in quick, before it evaporates.

For what we are about to receive, O Lord, make us truly thankful.

I don't think He could have heard you.

Er... what is this?

Soups. What you are calling Brown Bristols.

No, Windsor. Brown Windsor.

- Yes, yes. Is good, no? - No, we expected some foreign food.

Foreign? That's foreign. You are not thinking we eating this rubbish?

Well, I hope you show more imagination with the main dish.

- Ah, that is specialities of the house. - Ah.

Sausage, beans and chippings.

- Is that all? - That's plenties.

But isn't there a choice?

Choice? Of course you having choices.

You can having sausage and chippings, sausage and beans, or beans and chippings.

That's choices.

Choices!

No, not again! Mama, why are you not using methylatings like I am telling you?

Is no good!

Is... good!

Standing back. Look. Back.

What's happening?

This is not methylatings. This is vinos.

Blooding fools!

( Both cough )

Please excusings. There's slight technical hitchings.

( All cough )

Oh, for heaven's sake, let's open some windows.

Ow! Oh, I've been bitten.

( Buzzing )

Mosquitoes. Millions of 'em.

Well, everything is all right now, no?

Who is opening the blooding windows?

Floella! Giorgio! Getting the flick!

( Clanking and whirring )

What the hell is that?

Five o'clock!

( Drilling )

It's five o'clock.

( Buzzing )

Stanley.

- ( Snoring ) - Stanley!

- Stanley... - Uh?

Do you want something, dear?

( Shouts ) Will you get out of bed and do something about that dreadful noise?

( Buzzing )

( Drilling )

My head! It's splitting.

Oh, what a shocking noise!

Can you hear it, too?

Well, I'm not standing for that.

( Gasps )

( Drilling )

Come on. We might as well get out of bed.

- Lily! - What? Argh!

Vic! Vic!

Look up there.

( Voice drowned out )

- Moira! - What is it?

Look out!

Oh, really! Haven't they ever seen anyone washing before?

Monsieur P�p�, I want a word with you.

Mr Farki-Hars! If it's for complimenting on breakfast, it was nothings.

Oh, you're so right. It was nothings. No, it's about all this building noise.

It... it's all right, Mr Farki-Hars. Work is now stopped till Monday morning.

Oh, well, that's one blessing.

I understanding, sir. You like a peace.

No... not just at the moment, thank you.

Peace and quiet. No noises.

Oh, yes! Yes, exactly.

Ah.

Welcome, sir. Are you two on your own here?

- Yeah. - Yes. What about it?

You like to meet nice girls? Elsbels?

- Yeah, great. - Certainly not.

What kind of a person does he think I am, anyway?

I have never had such a night. I am absolutely covered with bites.

- What have you been up to, you old devil? - ( Tuts ) Mosquito bites. Look.

Trouble with mosquitoes - no taste. I mean, they don't care who they bite.

Well, they're eating better than we are.

I think I'm going up to change now.

And in the meantime, Stanley, do something about our room.

I was cold in the night, and there was no hot water.

The toilet doesn't flush. That coffee is cold.

Oh, and that sun is too hot.

Apart from that, she's having a great time.

Well, I think I'll just go up and grab a bit of fun. Er... sun.

Bring my sun cream when you come.

VIC: All right, love.

Do you know, Mrs Flange, you're an extremely handsome woman?

Really?

I might even go so far as to say... desirable.

Fancy. Another roll?

- Do you believe in free love? - I prefer bacon and eggs. To rolls, I mean.

- You're not answering my question, Mrs Flange. - Not so fattening.

Do you believe in free love?

Well, I'm certainly not paying for it.

( Both laugh )

( Shrieks ) Mr Blunt!

I'm sure your wife wouldn't like that.

That's just it. She doesn't.

Yes, well, I think I'll go to my room.

Good idea.

Five minutes?

Yes. Er... no! No, I'll...

I'll see you down here later.

- ( He growls ) - What are you doing here?

I've just come to have a little talk with you, that's all.

Well, I don't want to waste time talking to you.

Good, cos I've only got a couple of minutes.

- Oh, no, you don't. - What's wrong?

I've got a bone to pick with you, Vic.

Fine. I could do with a nibble.

- I had a chat this morning with Bert Conway. - What about it?

He said you told him I drowned my first husband in a swimming pool.

You told him you poisoned your second one.

Well, that was before I knew he was the only available man.

Oh, have a heart. It wasn't my fault my wife decided to come.

- Well, I didn't invite her. - What did you tell Conway?

The truth. You know perfectly well what my husbands were.

Yes. They were both firemen.

That's right, and both of them died on the job.

- Oh, Sadie... CORA: Vic, are you in the bathroom?

Oh, cor blimey! Get back inside. Quick.

I... er... I think you dropped something.

Good thing I came along, because she mightn't have noticed.

Cora, Cora, just a minute.

I say, that's interesting, Brother Bernard.

There are directions for finding the tomb of St Cecilia, the founder of our order.

( Dully ) Oh, that's nice.

Isn't it? "It is believed to lie in the middle of the island.

about five miles north of the port of Elsbels."

If we follow them, I think we might get somewhere.

Do you think we should?

Ah, well, that is what we came for, isn't it?

Is it? I thought we were going to find the tomb of St Cecilia.

That is what I am talking about.

Oh, I'm sorry, Brother Martin. I was thinking of something else.

If we made an early start, perhaps we could have lunch in the village.

- You fancy that, Brother Bernard? - Not half.

- Well, let's get started, then. - Are we going?

- Of course. I've just said so. - Well, I'll just finish my coffee.

BROTHER MARTIN: All right. We'll all meet in front of the hotel in ten minutes' time.

- LILY: Hello. - Hello.

Lovely, isn't it?

Yes, beautiful.

Come along, Nicholas. You promised to help me do my hair.

Ah, push off.

I see.

Ahem.

Oh, hello.

Morning. I'd just like to apologise to your friend about her skirt.

Oh, forget it. Shh.

Why don't you get some clothes off and get some sun?

- No, I couldn't do that. - Are you really a clergyman?

- No, I'm a brother. - Oh, you mean a monk?

Well, not exactly. It's an order. We do missionary work.

Oh. Saving fallen women and all that?

Well, that's part of it, I suppose.

- How many have you saved? - None. I've just joined.

- Well, if you want to start on us, you're too late. - I know that.

What I mean is, I'm sure you're both capable of taking care of yourselves.

I haven't got much option here! Would you do my back for me?

What?

Oh, yes, of course.

Ooh, that's smashing!

Brother Bernard!

( Squeals )

Oh, that moron!

Good morning, Mrs Blunt.

Oh.

- Stanley. - Yes, my dear?

I'll have my chair over there.

Oh, Bert, you must tell me about your hobby. I just adore old prints.

- Really? - Mm. I've got a couple of beauties.

- Yes, I noticed that! - Oh, saucy!

There we are.

Now, how's that, dear?

No. Too much in the sun.

Oh. Excuse me.

Thank you. There we are.

Right.

Is that all right now, dear?

Too much in the shade.

- Don't bother to ask me if I'd like a chair! - I wasn't going to.

Oh, Cora, come here. Don't be stupid.

( Bert laughs )

Morning, everybody. ( Chuckles )

Hang on. Let me give you a hand.

( Angrily ) Oh, I can manage, thank you!

Er... may I help you, Mrs Flange?

Oh, thank you very much, Mr Blunt.

Thank you.

( Mutters )

( Belches )

Hello. Hello. Good morning, everybody. What a lovely day!

- Oh. Well, yes, that's right, enjoy the sunshine. - That's something you can't muck up.

Ah, well, Wundatours especially chose Elsbels for a holiday weekend

because of its wonderful sunshine record.

( Thunder )

( Shrieking and screaming )

It's only a shower. It'll clear up later.

It's probably raining in London.

Don't blame me. It wasn't my fault we couldn't find the wretched tomb.

- Perhaps it got buried. - Of course it did. It's underground.

Maybe we'll have better luck tomorrow.

If we don't have to spend half the day looking for a toilet for you.

Well, I couldn't help that. After all, I'm only human.

Sometimes I doubt that very much.

Here, that was underground. Do you suppose it could...

Well, it was just a thought.

Still raining, I'm afraid.

Oh, how I loathe excursions.

Traipsing round filthy foreign markets, sitting in sordid nightclubs.

Yes, well, I mean... you don't have to go if you don't want to, do you? Hm?

I shall be quite all right on my own.

Well, what else is there to do? Sit around here, doing crosswords?

Well, it's getting on for seven. Oughtn't you to be... you know?

I am waiting for you to go, so that I can get dressed.

( Thunder )

Hello.

I don't know why you encourage that big nit.

Oh, he's nice.

I knew it was a mistake coming here with you. Anything in trousers.

Hark who's talking! Anyway, he's not wearing trousers.

( Sadie giggles )

Do you mind if I sit next to you?

Not at all, Mr Blunt.

I feel you're the only person I've got anything in common with on this trip.

Well, thank you very much. It's very nice of you to say so, Mrs Flange.

( Chuckles ) Good! Now I've heard everything.

Well, thank goodness it's stopped raining.

Right. Everyone here, Miss Plunkett?

Yes, I think so.

- What about your wife? - Oh, that's all right. She's not coming.

She... she has a headache.

- Makes a change from a pain in the neck. - Wait for me! Wait for me!

All right, driver. Off we go.

- Have they gone? - Yes. Oh, I'm sorry, lady.

Oh, how dare they! Where is Monsieur P�p�?

Not here. They have gone out for the evening.

What am I going to do? How could Stanley do this to me? How could he?

Er... just a minute, lady, please.

You like?

Champagne?

Yeah. Make you feel very good. Very happy.

Oh, no, I never...

Yes.

All right, I will. Thank you, Giorgio.

Good.

Excuse me, mister. You like postcards? Very interesting.

Oh, yes. Miss Plunkett!

- Didn't you want one for your mother? - Yes.

Thank... Oh! Oh!

- Any good? - No, I'm afraid they're quite unsuitable.

- Oh, are they naughty? Do let me see. - Certainly not.

You filthy beast! Be off with you.

I'm terribly sorry, Miss Plunkett. I should have known better.

What can you do with a man like that?

Nothing. But I know what you can do with a man like me.

Mr Flange, may I remind you you have your wife here?

Yeah. That's what you can do with a man like me!

Oh, Bert, you mustn't. It's much too expensive.

- Nonsense. Here, let me put it on for you. - Oh, thank you.

You've got to have the bracelet, too.

Oh, no, I mustn't.

Oh, come on. Let me put it on for you.

Oh, there you go.

- All right? - It's beautiful.

You know, I could buy everything here!

Oh, look at this lovely lace set.

Oh, very nice.

Here. Let me put it...

No, thanks. You've bought me quite enough.

I wonder what this is. Santa Cecilia's Elixir.

Oh, some local quack medicine, I suppose.

Oh, no, sir. Is not medicine. Is for l'amoura.

Pardon?

Liqueur... for making plenty of passion.

Get away.

Yeah. You try, sir. Is good.

Drink it. Drink it.

Anything happened?

( Growls )

CORA: Oh, I wonder what that place is.

The one with the red light outside.

Oh... er... I expect that's the local fire station.

Well, there are girls in there.

Mm? Oh, I expect they're the fire belles.

( Laughs ) Oh, Stanley, you're so witty!

CORA: Oh, look.

Woo-hoo!

Hello!

Come in. It's nice inside.

Come and have some fun. Come on, boy. Come in.

That was a delicious meal, Giorgio. Perfect.

And for a perfectly delicious lady.

( Chuckles ) Do you know, I'm glad I missed that horrid bus now.

I too am glad.

# Romantic music #

May I, please?

Well, it's been some time since I...

Yes, please.

Well, here we all are. Everybody enjoying themselves?

No.

- Oh. Well, how about you? - No.

Well, never mind. It's the nightclub soon.

( Drunkenly ) What have you done with my wife?

Me? I'm afraid I haven't the foggiest idea.

Don't give me that. She's with that twit Blunt, isn't she?

I really don't know, Mr Flange.

Oh, there's Miss Plunkett. Perhaps she'll know.

- Miss Plunkett! - Coming, Mr Farquhar.

Let's see. How many more are we to come?

I'm not leaving without my wife!

Yes, all right, Mr Flange. All right.

( Shouting ) Dirty pig! You insult my fine ladies.

We were only playing leapfrog.

Porco! Pig!

Oh, that settles it.

Charge!

FARQUHAR: Oh, no, Mr Tuttle!

- They'll kill him! - We'd better get in there quick.

That's the best idea I've heard today.

Wait for me.

Mr Tuttle's in there.

- What's going on? - Oh, your husband's in there.

- What?! - With Mr Conway and Mr Tuttle.

Oh, well, he's coming right out of there.

( Madame Fifi shouts )

( Vic laughs )

Put him down! Get off, will you?

If you please!

Nicholas! Nicholas, come back. You'll get hurt!

( Shouting and screaming )

- Please! Let him go. - Oh, shove off! Rescue somebody else.

Oh, get off!

Get off him!

No, come away. Listen, dear. Come away.

Oh, dear! Oh!

( Blows whistle )

Get off!

( Screams )

Excuse me.

Argh! No! Aargh!

( Bell chimes )

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

( Clamouring voices )

Please! Please!

One at a time, gentlemen. No?

Yes. Please, let me handle this. All right? It doesn't do to antagonise these fellows.

Now, then, to start off with, I feel I should point out

that we are all British subjects.

I know, and you have my deepest sympathy.

Yes, quite. Well, I don't want to make an international incident out of this.

That is most kind of you, sir.

But I must protest most strongly about being detained in this way.

Naturally, sir.

I realise you were only doing what you thought to be your duty,

and, provided you release us immediately,

I think I can safely promise you you will hear no more about it.

Oh, that is a most kind gesture, sir.

I think we can safely make it.

And now I will show you that I too can make an appropriate gesture.

Yes?

Damned filth.

How dare you? Do you know what you just did?

Well, that is a fine old British gesture, no?

You've tried my patience too far. I know about you people. Give them a uniform,

and they go power mad.

Well, I'm not going to bandy words with an idiotic, jumped-up popinjay like you any more.

I demand to see the Chief of Police.

I am the Chief of Police.

BERT: You're doing well.

Let me try.

Chiefy.

We know we're in a spot of bother, but things can be arranged, can't they?

Indeed, sir.

Well, just tell us the charges and we'll sort something out.

With pleasure, sir.

You are charged with disturbing the peace, damage to property,

and, most important of all, assault upon the girls of Madame Fifi,

thus resulting in a most serious loss of business.

( Chuckles ) That's ridiculous. You know very well they assaulted us.

Oh, indeed, sir?

Surely you don't doubt our word against that of an old boiler that runs a bro...

er... broken-down boarding house?

Madame Fifi is my sister.

Pass. Next, please.

- Let me have a go. - Oh, don't be ridiculous. What can you do?

Well, at least I can be a little co-operative.

Excuse me. Could I have a word with you?

Oh, but of course. Please go ahead.

It's rather personal. Is there somewhere a little more private?

Mm, with pleasure.

This way, please.

12:30. She's been gone for three hours.

Well, what could they do to her?

Oh, you don't know these foreign police.

I knew a girl once. They got her in there and shaved all her hair off.

Well, I'm sure she's not having it off... Or am I?

With the compliments of the Chief of Police.

Hey, what a feast!

FARQUHAR: We're not getting out, though.

With grub like this, who wants to?

Miss Plunkett! Are you all right?

Why, yes. I think so, Mr Farquhar.

- You swine! What have you been doing to her? - Don't tell him.

Do not worry, Mr Farquhar.

I wish to tell you that you are free to go.

Don't you dare threaten me. I'll... Free to? Oh.

If you are prepared to pay for the damages,

then I am not going to bring any charges.

Just when I was enjoying myself.

Welcoming back, ladies and gentlemens.

Tonight I am making for you great ravings-up, for cheerings-up and raising the low spirits!

No?

Erm... have you seen my wife anywhere?

No, sirs.

Giorgio, you seeing Mrs Blunt?

Not since this morning.

Well, is our room key there?

Oh, no, sir. Is gone.

Giorgio, did you give it to her?

Not half, Papa.

( Humming romantic tune )

( Chuckles )

"Liquera por l'amoura." Let's have a go.

( Belches and splutters )

Oh, there you are, Stanley.

All right, all right! I'll do all the talking.

It was all my fault. I told them to leave without you last night,

and what's more, I'm damn glad that I did it.

Oh, so am I, dear. Have some champagne.

I don't care about... Champagne?

It's wonderful stuff, Stanley.

What are you talking about? Didn't you hear what I said?

It was all my fault that you were left behind.

All right, dear. I forgive you.

I don't want to be forgiven.

Then what do you want, dear?

I want to bloody well assert my manhood!

Oh, splendid, Stanley.

All right, then.

What is it, dear?

I've forgotten what you do.

I'm furious. Absolutely beside myself.

Yeah. Best place for you.

Look, I'm warning you, Nicholas.

If you take that little strumpet to the party, I shall...

I shall take my ankle bracelet back. Besides, you've never worn it.

Oh, come on. We'll have some fun.

For the last time, Bert Conway, will you please get out of my room?

What's wrong? Why won't you come to the party with me?

Because you only want one thing from me.

That's not true. I'm quite happy to have the lot.

Don't you understand? I don't want just a quick roll in the hay.

I need something that's going to last.

Who says it's not going to last? We don't go home till tomorrow afternoon.

Get out! Get out!

- Get out! - No, no...

- Don't you dare come back! - No, I was just...

Can I believe my ears?

You see nothing wrong or sinful in taking this girl to the party?

Well, I don't know if it's going to be sinful until I try.

Isn't it enough that you got into a fight over her? You spent the night in prison.

- Oh, no, I want far more than that. - What?!

Er... I mean... I...

I like her well enough to... get married.

Brother Bernard...

aren't you forgetting?

You are promised to our order.

You are going to be wedded to St Cecilia.

Yes, but from what I saw of her in the tomb... I don't think she'll make a very good wife.

Carnival Night! Champagne punches.

Now he's the Richard Burton of Elsbels!

Listen, Floella, Mamas. I only trying to send them home happilies.

We wanting them to remember this holidays.

Oh, they'll remember it, all right.

The only hotel with a night in prison thrown in!

Is not my fault!

Getting on with the work, and shutting cakehole.

# Cocktail music #

- Good evening. - ( Dully ) How do you do?

Well, well, the fun's really started, eh?

Oh. Ah, this is splendid, isn't it?

Oh, Monsieur P�p� has really surpassed himself with this buffet.

Yeah. Pity none of it's eatable.

Oh, I don't know... Come, come. It's really quite good.

Moira, dear, a lot depends on the report they give when they get back.

For goodness' sake, do something to brighten it up.

Whoopee.

Oh, food. I could do with some, after all that romping about.

- Vic, I think I'd like a roll. - Great. Let's go upstairs.

- I mean a sausage roll. - Oh! ( Chuckles )

Ladies and gentlemens, champagne punchings!

Ho-ho! Helping selves.

Well, thank you, Monsieur P�p�. What a splendid idea.

I'll get them. You finish your sandwich.

Personally, I've always found Scotland very exciting.

The swirl of the kilt, the sporran.

Like to try the punch, love?

Oh, might as well, I suppose.

That's my girl.

- Is it any good? - I bleedin' hope so, mate.

Oooh!

Hello, Mr Tuttle. How lovely to see you again.

Cor! It's nice to see so much more of you, Mrs Tomkins. May I call you Sadie?

So...

- Would you care for a glass of punch? - Oh, I'd love some.

- I'll get it. - Oh, thank you.

Ah, good evening, gentlemens.

Please, having good times, and letting hairs down.

Maybe a little champagne punchings, yes?

Oh, could we, Brother Martin, as it's our last night?

Oh, well, perhaps it won't do any harm. But only one, mind.

Thank you.

At least it might help to wash down that wretched food.

Get stuffings.

- Sorry I'm late, love. - It's all right.

Excuse me.

Do you mind?

Manners!

Manners yourself.

Thank you, Brother Paul.

All gone!

( Laughter and shouting )

Don't tell me they enjoy the party.

Enjoying it? It's going like bombs!

# Latin American party music #

All right?

( Humming ) Hey! More champers! Good old P�p�.

Or is it Mario? ( Laughs )

Is good punchings, yes?

Splendid. Splendid.

And while we're on the subject of quality, I want you to know, P�p�,

this is without doubt the crummiest hotel I've ever stayed in.

( Groans )

P�p�! P�p�!

P�p�, come quick!

- What's the mattering with her? - She sounds distressed.

She's probably tried some of her own cooking!

Is eating like a pig!

All right, all right! Is coming.

She's tried her own cooking!

Don't try any of your cooking!

- ( Laughs ) What's the mattering? Mices? - Look!

Santa Cecilia!

I say! You seem to have sprung a leak.

I knew it was mistakes to build on dry river beds.

No wonder company getting land so cheap.

Don't just stand there! Do somethings.

What can I doing?

Plug it! Oh, plug it.

Oh, I say, I say! Watch the language.

I make like little boy in Hollands. I sticking thing in.

Oh! He'll need an awfully large thing!

That's it! I've done it.

I'm sure the little Dutch boy didn't do it like that!

( Both laugh )

Oh, Monsieur P�p�, you're wetting your trousers!

Wouldn't you in the same situations?

Oh, come on, Stuart. We're missing all the fun.

Oh, yes. Excuse us, Monsieur P�p�.

I'm sure we can rely on you to keep your end up! ( Laughs )

# Rolling home, rolling home... #

( Singing continues )

( Singing stops )

- Hooray! - Here.

Now give us 'Twas On The Good Ship Venus!

I'm sorry, but I don't know the music.

Oh, our lovely hostess.

- A drink for our hostess. - I don't want drink, thank you.

Nonsense. You must have a drink.

Everybody must have a drink with Floella.

Hear, hear.

( Splash )

( Big-band music )

( Laughs )

Phew, it's hot.

Would you like to go onto the terrace for some air?

Ooh, that's a good idea.

# Romantic music #

Ah, come on.

Stopping the music! Stopping the musics!

Helpings, not dancing. Helpings.

Please, helping, someone.

- What? - Doh.

Giorgio! Giorgio, help. The water is getting underneath the...

- Please! We were talking. - Sorries.

- Now, where was I? - About your 'amsters.

Oh, yes, 'amsters. No! Hamsters.

You'd never believe it, but... 11 times in one night!

Is unbelievable!

Oh, yes, it is. But you see, they're always escaping.

I say, if I were to tell you...

( Rumbling and crashing )

Please, Mr Conways. I am worried about the foundations.

Oh, that's all right. She's not wearing any.

No, no, in case they are falling out.

Oh, don't you worry, son. If they do, I'll stuff 'em back in!

Why is nobody listening? ( Whimpers )

Mr Blunts, you look like a man who is ready to do somethings.

Funny you should say that. I was just telling the wife!

Oh, Stanley! He's trying to get me upstairs, Monsieur P�p�.

No, no, I show you. On the kitchen floor.

I say, steady on, old chap. Remember, we're British.

I don't know, though. Wow!

Oh!

Oh! Please, Mr Flange, you coming with me.

- Where to? - We're having a leak.

- I don't want one. - No, we're having one below. I show it to you.

- He doesn't want to see it. - You're mad. Crazy!

I always knew he was a flash type.

- Ah, Mr Farki-Hars! - Ah, Monsieur P�p�! Enjoying yourself?

Oh, yes, I'm having a smashing time. I'm having a ball!

Oh, I'm not doing so badly, myself!

Mr Farki-Hars, you should be going upstairs.

- Don't be disgusting. - Oh, I think it's a wonderful idea.

Oh, I'm not standing any more! All you English ever thinking about is sex.

Oh, nonsense.

What's that? Excusings.

These foreigners! They're so damned excitable.

They're mad.

- How about it? Shall we go upstairs? - Why not?

( Laughs )

Helps!

You mads!

( Cracking and knocking )

- Good night, old boy. - Good night. Goodbyes.

He's drunk again!

Well, now, Monsieur P�p�.

What was it you wanted to talk to me about?

Oh, Mr Tuttles, thank you very much. Thank you. Help!

( Splash )

How about it, love? Want a nightcap?

No, thank s. I couldn't take another drop.

Right. Let's go upstairs.

( Splash )

I say, old chap. Do you need any help?

Help? Why should I need helpings?

I'm having funs. ( Laughs )

I say, Stanley. There's a hole.

So there is. That's bad, isn't it?

No, no, not to worrying. It's mices. We having very big mices here.

- I think we'd better go to bed. - That's a rather good idea.

Monsieur P�p�, I may have to complain about this.

They didn't tell us that you had mices.

Yes, all right. You complaining about the mices... and the whole hotel is falling down!

Can we go up now, Bert? It's been a lovely evening.

Might as well. Things seem to be breaking up, anyway.

( Chuckles )

Open the windows, love, and let's get a bit of air.

Right. That's a good idea. Won't be long. ( Chuckles )

I forgot!

( Laughs )

( Laughs )

( Screams with laughter )

They put the bloody glass in!

( Laughs hysterically )

It's going to be a bit of a tight squeeze!

( Both laugh )

Room for one on top, eh?

Standing room only!

Oh, God! I give up.

No, no. Come on.

You're not getting off the hook that easily.

( Laughs ) Oh! Oh!

( Both laugh )

( Knocking at door )

Oh, it's all right, Bert. You can come in.

( Creaking )

( Rumbling )

Jings! What's going on out there?

Bert? Are you all right?

Fine. Just fine.

Oh, do hurry up, darling.

Coming.

Stand by to repel boarders!

( Whinnies )

( Coughing )

That does it! Everybody out! Everyone out! Abandoning hotel.

Evacuating. Everybody leaving.

Abandon the hotel! Leaving!

( Screaming )

Out! Out! Out!

FARQUHAR: I don't know where we are! I can't see where we are.

Where the hell are we?

Cor! Get off.

- How do you do? - Hello, Harry. Usual?

Yes, please. Here, I know what I meant to ask. How did the holiday go?

Oh, great. Went with a bang. Had a smashing time, didn't we, love?

Yes, I can honestly say I've never had one quite like it.

( Both laugh )

- What... what's the joke, then? - Private.

Oh, hey, private! Cheers.

Yee-agh! Wey!

Could I have another one, please? Thank you.

Ha-ha! Well, here we are, then!

( Exchange of greetings )

Come on in.

- Hello, my darling. - Hello. Isn't he here, Vic?

Of course he is. I promised to look after him. Stu!

- Somebody to see you. - Oh, you!

Moira!

- Right, well, what's it to be, then? - I'll tell you what. Champagne cup.

And put a drop of this in it, will you?

Oh, what a wonderful idea!

Oh, no! Lock all the doors.

Time, gentlemen, please!

( All laugh )

Captioned by Grantman Brown