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Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
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00:00:02,354 --> 00:00:05,129
[background chatter]
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00:00:32,951 --> 00:00:35,368
[speaking in a deep voice
in native language]
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00:00:49,392 --> 00:00:52,301
[exciting music]
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00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:10,344
[exciting music continues]
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00:01:10,363 --> 00:01:11,345
- [fireplace poker whooshing]
- Ha ha.
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00:01:11,497 --> 00:01:12,922
[clang]
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00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:15,199
? ?
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00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:19,704
[click]
[exciting music]
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00:01:19,855 --> 00:01:21,522
[car tires screeching]
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00:01:21,674 --> 00:01:26,452
? ?
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00:01:26,604 --> 00:01:27,861
Ha ha!
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00:01:27,881 --> 00:01:29,530
? ?
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00:01:29,549 --> 00:01:31,257
[girl speaking lines]
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00:01:34,279 --> 00:01:38,806
? ?
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00:01:44,289 --> 00:01:45,897
[clattering, thud]
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00:01:58,636 --> 00:02:00,695
[doorbell rings]
18
00:02:00,697 --> 00:02:04,140
Oh, shit,
you guys are early.
19
00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:06,867
I imagined being
dressed for this.
20
00:02:07,020 --> 00:02:08,661
And probably not saying
the word, "shit," either.
21
00:02:08,813 --> 00:02:11,089
- Papa.
- Okay, hi.
22
00:02:12,592 --> 00:02:14,908
You're all right.
23
00:02:14,928 --> 00:02:17,512
Everything's... everything's
gonna be all right.
24
00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:21,582
[dynamic news theme]
25
00:02:21,601 --> 00:02:24,994
Good day, America.
Here's your morning news.
26
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:27,796
Food shortage riots have hit
Georgia and South Carolina
27
00:02:27,816 --> 00:02:30,591
as hungry moms sweep through
the streets looking for food.
28
00:02:30,610 --> 00:02:33,169
Scottsdale authorities
continue to battle
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00:02:33,187 --> 00:02:35,596
the mutant version of
Lassa Fever and are working
30
00:02:35,748 --> 00:02:37,281
to quarantine those infected
31
00:02:37,433 --> 00:02:38,765
while incinerating
the deceased
32
00:02:38,785 --> 00:02:40,901
as Arizona is now
the fourth state
33
00:02:41,054 --> 00:02:43,195
to become part
of the Disputed Lands.
34
00:02:43,348 --> 00:02:46,624
The last remaining trees
of the Amazon have burned.
35
00:02:46,775 --> 00:02:49,151
Officials plan to replace
a portion of the acreage
36
00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:51,370
with an amusement park
dedicated to Brazilian
37
00:02:51,522 --> 00:02:54,072
points of pride like
Samba, beef production,
38
00:02:54,225 --> 00:02:57,126
and the highest number
of plastic surgeons
39
00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:59,453
per capita than
anywhere in the world.
40
00:02:59,472 --> 00:03:01,630
Looks like the heat wave
gripping the east coast
41
00:03:01,783 --> 00:03:03,558
is about to break with
temperatures dipping
42
00:03:03,709 --> 00:03:06,702
all the way down to the high
110s by your weekend.
43
00:03:06,721 --> 00:03:09,972
And former homerun-hitter-
turned-cricket-champion
44
00:03:10,124 --> 00:03:12,132
Bryce Harper stops by
to talk about
45
00:03:12,152 --> 00:03:13,926
his new passion, cupcakes.
46
00:03:13,945 --> 00:03:15,978
He's here to share
his favorite recipe
47
00:03:16,130 --> 00:03:18,305
and shed some light
on why he is the latest
48
00:03:18,324 --> 00:03:22,493
baseball superstar to leave
the major league behind.
49
00:03:28,817 --> 00:03:30,651
Jim?
50
00:03:30,670 --> 00:03:32,336
Jim, you still with us?
51
00:03:32,488 --> 00:03:34,897
What's the attendance
looking like?
52
00:03:34,916 --> 00:03:36,990
- 16,000.
- [groans]
53
00:03:37,010 --> 00:03:38,417
It's the highest
in the league.
54
00:03:38,569 --> 00:03:41,128
Yeah, I stand my original...
[groans]
55
00:03:41,130 --> 00:03:43,130
Can't really blame the public.
56
00:03:43,283 --> 00:03:45,408
Not a great time to be
outdoors in America,
57
00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:47,618
what with the heat and the guns
58
00:03:47,637 --> 00:03:49,720
and the product
placement facial tattoos,
59
00:03:49,872 --> 00:03:51,931
which are pretty horrible
on the inside as well.
60
00:03:52,083 --> 00:03:54,016
Not to mention the water
shortages, which have led
61
00:03:54,168 --> 00:03:55,935
to the aggressive
comeback of B.O.
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00:03:56,087 --> 00:03:58,754
Right, Todd?
B.O., sir.
63
00:03:58,773 --> 00:04:01,590
Todd believes that deodorant
contains aluminum, which...
64
00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:03,801
I don't care if it's laced
with arsenic, motherfucker.
65
00:04:03,819 --> 00:04:06,412
You're an old factory dirty
bomb walking around here, man.
66
00:04:06,564 --> 00:04:07,747
You know... you know
what kills me?
67
00:04:07,898 --> 00:04:09,624
What galls me?
It's not your blatant
68
00:04:09,775 --> 00:04:11,525
lack of self respect,
it's the way you just
69
00:04:11,544 --> 00:04:13,377
happily and capriciously
70
00:04:13,529 --> 00:04:15,379
break the social contract,
just right over your knee.
71
00:04:15,531 --> 00:04:17,381
Like Bo Jackson
after a strike-out.
72
00:04:17,533 --> 00:04:18,699
I stink, everybody!
73
00:04:18,718 --> 00:04:20,158
Hey, hey!
Live with it.
74
00:04:20,311 --> 00:04:21,886
Stop!
Let's focus on
75
00:04:22,037 --> 00:04:23,971
how to respond
to the news of the day.
76
00:04:25,391 --> 00:04:27,783
Hey, Linda.
Do you know where my dad is?
77
00:04:27,802 --> 00:04:29,376
Production meeting.
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00:04:29,395 --> 00:04:31,287
Thank you.
79
00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:33,213
I was thinking of a moment
of silence at the top
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00:04:33,233 --> 00:04:35,066
of the second inning
for the victims of Granite Bay,
81
00:04:35,217 --> 00:04:37,643
- Baton Rouge, and Phoenix.
- Phoenix, again?
82
00:04:37,795 --> 00:04:40,312
God, what the hell
is going on down there?
83
00:04:40,465 --> 00:04:42,180
The Apocalypse.
84
00:04:42,333 --> 00:04:44,800
Well, I guess everything
else moves so much faster
85
00:04:44,819 --> 00:04:47,894
these days, why not
the End of Times as well, huh?
86
00:04:47,914 --> 00:04:49,972
All right, gonna need a fun
segment to bring the energy
87
00:04:49,991 --> 00:04:52,065
back up after that,
so uh...
88
00:04:52,085 --> 00:04:55,294
how about Grandpa Doesn't
Understand New Thing?
89
00:04:55,446 --> 00:04:57,830
We thought we'd save it
for the fourth hour
90
00:04:57,982 --> 00:04:59,423
when the audience wants
to kill itself after
91
00:04:59,575 --> 00:05:01,175
the 12th pitching change.
92
00:05:01,327 --> 00:05:03,652
Maybe we could find
a kid in the stands
93
00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:05,346
to teach you
the Fussy Jack dance.
94
00:05:05,497 --> 00:05:07,006
- The what?
- The Fussy Jack Dance.
95
00:05:07,158 --> 00:05:08,841
What is that?
96
00:05:08,993 --> 00:05:10,584
It's, well... he'd teach
it to you and then you would...
97
00:05:10,603 --> 00:05:12,252
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hey.
98
00:05:12,272 --> 00:05:14,646
Or... or maybe Beth could
teach you the Fussy Jack.
99
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,082
- Or maybe not.
- No, no...
100
00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:17,775
I tried to show him
K-pop once and he said,
101
00:05:17,926 --> 00:05:20,503
"So this is the bullshit
ephemera everyone's
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00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,654
desperately
clinging to these days."
103
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,406
I was right to say it, too.
All right, meeting over.
104
00:05:24,408 --> 00:05:26,217
Clear out, my daughter's here.
No, Todd, you go last.
105
00:05:26,368 --> 00:05:27,492
Remember,
we talked about this?
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00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:28,953
So nobody has to swim upstream
107
00:05:29,104 --> 00:05:30,921
through your malodorous cloud?
108
00:05:30,923 --> 00:05:32,865
Go on, scoot.
Go on. Oh!
109
00:05:33,017 --> 00:05:36,185
Oh, you're a soft-serve pile
of human failure, sir.
110
00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:38,354
Dad, just... just let it go.
111
00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:40,506
Congratulations, you stink.
112
00:05:41,192 --> 00:05:42,008
Ohh...
113
00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:47,697
Okay, the debate's
tomorrow, right?
114
00:05:47,699 --> 00:05:48,789
- Yeah.
- Uh...
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00:05:48,808 --> 00:05:49,882
and you're not some little
116
00:05:50,034 --> 00:05:51,534
sophomore outsider anymore.
117
00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:53,886
You're a senior now.
You're two-time state champ.
118
00:05:54,038 --> 00:05:55,871
You gotta own that, darling.
119
00:05:55,890 --> 00:05:58,149
Now, you don't have the height
120
00:05:58,300 --> 00:06:00,876
to create a physically
imposing stage presence,
121
00:06:00,895 --> 00:06:03,395
so we have to harness the power
of your delightful hair
122
00:06:03,548 --> 00:06:04,897
to create
a dramatic silhouette.
123
00:06:05,049 --> 00:06:06,866
Take a look at this.
124
00:06:08,143 --> 00:06:09,493
- Ooh.
- Huh?
125
00:06:09,645 --> 00:06:12,221
I like it.
Thank you.
126
00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:15,249
Oh, my God,
would you look at this?
127
00:06:15,401 --> 00:06:17,393
It's your hairbrush.
Remember this thing?
128
00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:19,078
I used this for the first time
129
00:06:19,230 --> 00:06:21,655
before your very first
state tourney...
130
00:06:21,674 --> 00:06:24,066
and this is your last one.
131
00:06:24,085 --> 00:06:26,902
Dad... you can't keep
crying at every single
132
00:06:26,921 --> 00:06:28,179
made-up milestone
before graduation.
133
00:06:28,330 --> 00:06:30,014
Sure, I can.
134
00:06:30,165 --> 00:06:31,840
But this morning you said
we were toasting the last
135
00:06:31,993 --> 00:06:33,592
pizza bagels I'd ever
eat while living at home.
136
00:06:33,744 --> 00:06:35,911
Oh, I forgot about
the pizza bagels.
137
00:06:35,930 --> 00:06:38,338
On our very last
family trip to Costco.
138
00:06:38,358 --> 00:06:40,933
Come on, old man.
Tighten it up.
139
00:06:41,085 --> 00:06:42,585
Ah, come on,
don't throw things at me.
140
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:44,010
You're a bully sometimes,
141
00:06:44,030 --> 00:06:45,846
you know that?
Stop it.
142
00:06:45,865 --> 00:06:48,649
If I'm emotional, it's cause
I'm proud of you, darling.
143
00:06:48,651 --> 00:06:50,943
Let me tell you, your mother,
144
00:06:51,095 --> 00:06:52,911
she'd be very,
very proud of you as well.
145
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,613
- Thanks.
- Hmm.
146
00:06:54,765 --> 00:06:57,007
I also think that you might
be getting emotional because
147
00:06:57,009 --> 00:06:58,084
you have no idea
what you're gonna do
148
00:06:58,235 --> 00:06:59,785
with yourself when I'm gone.
149
00:06:59,937 --> 00:07:01,379
What do you mean, gone?
You're only gonna be
150
00:07:01,530 --> 00:07:03,589
three hours away.
I'll see you every weekend.
151
00:07:04,609 --> 00:07:06,775
I'll see you most weekends.
Some weekends.
152
00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:09,387
And with the rest of my free
time I'll just, uh,
153
00:07:09,538 --> 00:07:12,131
you know, I'll stare into
the void of my own futility.
154
00:07:12,283 --> 00:07:14,617
No, I'll finally get
the Ojai house ship-shape.
155
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:16,727
I'll fix up that roof and, uh,
156
00:07:16,879 --> 00:07:19,121
put some flowers
on Clemenza's grave.
157
00:07:19,273 --> 00:07:21,065
Clemenza...
158
00:07:21,216 --> 00:07:25,886
my poor little
110-year-old baby boy.
159
00:07:25,905 --> 00:07:28,530
He was so weak at the end.
160
00:07:28,532 --> 00:07:30,065
Dad, we just got
you to stop crying.
161
00:07:30,218 --> 00:07:31,742
Sorry.
162
00:07:31,894 --> 00:07:33,485
Look, maybe it's time
you find something else
163
00:07:33,638 --> 00:07:34,578
to do for a living.
164
00:07:34,730 --> 00:07:36,038
Oh, trust me,
165
00:07:36,190 --> 00:07:37,898
I'm not qualified
to do anything else.
166
00:07:37,917 --> 00:07:39,667
God, I wish I was.
167
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,828
Jim Brockmire must be
168
00:07:42,980 --> 00:07:44,880
the next commissioner
of baseball.
169
00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:47,115
[all groan]
That's the conclusion
170
00:07:47,135 --> 00:07:49,626
from every headhunter
that we hired.
171
00:07:49,779 --> 00:07:52,488
People have been laughing
with him and at him
172
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:53,955
for over a quarter
of a century.
173
00:07:53,975 --> 00:07:55,808
His commercials are popular.
174
00:07:55,959 --> 00:07:58,168
Hell, even plaid
has made a comeback.
175
00:07:58,187 --> 00:08:01,513
This is a guy who knows
how to attract attention,
176
00:08:01,666 --> 00:08:04,349
and that is what we need
to undo the damage
177
00:08:04,502 --> 00:08:07,594
by the last
two labor stoppages.
178
00:08:07,746 --> 00:08:09,822
I know some of you
179
00:08:09,973 --> 00:08:12,849
have clashed
with him in the past.
180
00:08:12,869 --> 00:08:16,269
He called me an out-of-touch
capitalist vampire!
181
00:08:16,289 --> 00:08:17,888
I know it, Freddie.
182
00:08:17,907 --> 00:08:19,439
And this was after
I personally invited him
183
00:08:19,459 --> 00:08:21,016
to my Zephyr regatta.
184
00:08:21,035 --> 00:08:22,626
I mean, what kind
of man does that?
185
00:08:22,778 --> 00:08:24,003
- What kind of man does that?
- I know...
186
00:08:24,154 --> 00:08:25,504
I know!
187
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:30,334
But I also know
that Jim Brockmire
188
00:08:30,486 --> 00:08:33,095
is our last chance
to save this game.
189
00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:37,558
And on a personal level,
190
00:08:37,709 --> 00:08:39,268
he's someone that
I consider a friend.
191
00:08:40,613 --> 00:08:42,629
Friend?
No, we're not friends.
192
00:08:42,648 --> 00:08:44,206
Sir, you're a billionaire.
You're evil.
193
00:08:44,225 --> 00:08:45,465
I mean, you get that, right?
194
00:08:45,485 --> 00:08:47,300
I mean, you see how you live
195
00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:49,278
and the rest of the world
lives and the difference there?
196
00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:51,380
I tolerate you as
an owner in the same way
197
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:53,215
that I might try
to befriend the nicest
198
00:08:53,234 --> 00:08:55,384
Aryan brother
in prison, but, uh...
199
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:57,995
still a horrible,
horrible Nazi.
200
00:08:58,146 --> 00:08:59,571
Anywhoodles,
did I interrupt you?
201
00:08:59,724 --> 00:09:01,982
I think... were you offering
me a job or something?
202
00:09:02,752 --> 00:09:06,653
We want to make you
Commissioner of Baseball.
203
00:09:07,656 --> 00:09:09,340
Stupidest thing
I've ever heard in my life.
204
00:09:09,491 --> 00:09:11,250
Stupider than thinking
that I'm your friend.
205
00:09:11,402 --> 00:09:13,344
[scoffs]
206
00:09:13,495 --> 00:09:14,887
Which is stupid.
207
00:09:20,002 --> 00:09:22,060
- [machine beeping]
- Please plug into outport.
208
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,188
God damn hallo-projector!
209
00:09:24,339 --> 00:09:26,598
I'm plugged into the outport!
210
00:09:26,751 --> 00:09:28,526
What are you
trying to show me?
211
00:09:28,677 --> 00:09:31,028
A presentation about how people
don't like baseball anymore?
212
00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:32,512
'Cause I already know that.
I do have the ability
213
00:09:32,532 --> 00:09:34,514
to see obvious things.
214
00:09:34,534 --> 00:09:37,017
This is not a presentation,
this is a 3D animation
215
00:09:37,036 --> 00:09:39,703
specifically designed
to convince you to do
216
00:09:39,855 --> 00:09:43,207
the commissioner job and
guaranteed to blow your mind.
217
00:09:43,358 --> 00:09:45,434
Well, I have seen
a hallo-projector before.
218
00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:48,103
I mean, I'm a man who enjoys
all the latest modern advances
219
00:09:48,122 --> 00:09:50,289
in pornographic technology.
220
00:09:50,441 --> 00:09:52,624
Even put a Mr. Magorium's
Masturbatorium
221
00:09:52,777 --> 00:09:54,385
in my local mall.
Very nice,
222
00:09:54,536 --> 00:09:56,202
very upscale.
Two stories.
223
00:09:56,222 --> 00:09:59,557
The only downside
is a limited fantasy menu.
224
00:09:59,708 --> 00:10:02,560
Mostly Magorium's own
interests which are very...
225
00:10:02,711 --> 00:10:04,562
God, they're specific.
But listen,
226
00:10:04,713 --> 00:10:06,722
his Masturbatorium,
his rules, right?
227
00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:08,640
Key is, you gotta bring
your own pleasure pocket
228
00:10:08,793 --> 00:10:10,067
and find a little corner...
229
00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:11,735
And... oh!
Seems like you, uh...
230
00:10:11,887 --> 00:10:13,219
Please plug into outport.
231
00:10:13,239 --> 00:10:14,813
Son of a bitch!
232
00:10:14,965 --> 00:10:16,481
Jesus, don't you have
a tech guy for this?
233
00:10:16,634 --> 00:10:19,243
Yes, but he left me
two weeks ago for Jeff Bezos,
234
00:10:19,394 --> 00:10:21,378
and he took my
holo-wire with him.
235
00:10:21,380 --> 00:10:23,897
Ouch, that has got to sting.
236
00:10:24,049 --> 00:10:25,231
It does.
237
00:10:25,251 --> 00:10:26,458
I will wing it.
238
00:10:28,254 --> 00:10:30,946
Baseball's situation
is worse than you know.
239
00:10:30,965 --> 00:10:33,966
Okay, we took a survey
of American ten-year-olds,
240
00:10:34,117 --> 00:10:36,242
asking who's your
favorite sports team.
241
00:10:36,262 --> 00:10:39,504
My Yankees are the only team
that made the top 100.
242
00:10:39,657 --> 00:10:41,765
At number 81
243
00:10:41,917 --> 00:10:43,900
and that's right
behind Sampdoria.
244
00:10:43,902 --> 00:10:46,086
The hell is a Sampdoria?
245
00:10:46,105 --> 00:10:48,772
It's the fifth most
popular Italian soccer team.
246
00:10:48,924 --> 00:10:51,424
Hachi Machi Malone.
247
00:10:51,444 --> 00:10:53,852
So half the owners, they
wanna contract their teams,
248
00:10:54,004 --> 00:10:55,987
the other half of the owners
don't wanna buy them.
249
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,856
There are reasonable scenarios
250
00:10:58,008 --> 00:11:00,951
that the League
will fold in five years.
251
00:11:01,103 --> 00:11:04,012
Wow.
Well, you're right,
252
00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:06,290
that's a lot worse
than I realized, but you know,
253
00:11:06,441 --> 00:11:08,517
all the more reason
for me to say no.
254
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:09,960
No, thank you.
255
00:11:10,112 --> 00:11:11,854
Give me one good reason
256
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:13,622
why you don't
wanna be commissioner.
257
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:14,965
I'll give you
several good reasons.
258
00:11:15,117 --> 00:11:17,542
The position has
no actual power, sir.
259
00:11:17,695 --> 00:11:20,195
I know I'd be mouthpiece
for you and your owner buddies,
260
00:11:20,214 --> 00:11:23,032
all of whom I cannot stand,
and I mean to a man.
261
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:24,116
Okay.
262
00:11:24,134 --> 00:11:26,477
[beep]
[tinny music]
263
00:11:26,628 --> 00:11:29,888
No one else can make
baseball this interesting.
264
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,549
There's no one else
who can communicate
265
00:11:32,701 --> 00:11:34,726
to every generation
of Americans.
266
00:11:34,879 --> 00:11:37,229
You, Jim Brockmire,
267
00:11:37,381 --> 00:11:39,973
you are a true original.
268
00:11:39,992 --> 00:11:41,650
No, I'm not.
269
00:11:41,802 --> 00:11:43,494
All my broadcasts now
are just rip-offs
270
00:11:43,645 --> 00:11:45,162
of late-'80s David Letterman.
271
00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:46,813
I thought the top ten list
272
00:11:46,832 --> 00:11:48,557
would've made
that exceedingly clear.
273
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:51,076
But you know,
our popular memory just seems
274
00:11:51,228 --> 00:11:53,578
to have Alzheimer's now,
as evidenced by this
275
00:11:53,731 --> 00:11:55,488
stupid Fussy Jack Dance.
276
00:11:55,508 --> 00:11:57,449
Look at this... that's
"I'm A Little Teapot."
277
00:11:57,468 --> 00:12:00,160
Okay, look... handle, spout.
Jesus Christ.
278
00:12:00,179 --> 00:12:03,296
Look, I'm looking forward to
retiring, quite frankly, okay?
279
00:12:03,449 --> 00:12:05,407
The narrative
of my life is complete.
280
00:12:05,426 --> 00:12:07,167
I've achieved
every dream I ever had,
281
00:12:07,186 --> 00:12:08,835
I worked my way out
of the gutter, I just...
282
00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:10,412
I wanna relax
283
00:12:10,431 --> 00:12:12,314
and spend some more time
with my daughter.
284
00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:18,344
Okay... well...
285
00:12:18,364 --> 00:12:22,491
this has been a waste of my
incredibly valuable time!
286
00:12:23,652 --> 00:12:25,035
Blimp!
287
00:12:26,855 --> 00:12:29,598
- That's it?
- Son of a bitch!
288
00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:32,284
You're just gonna abandon a
million-dollar holo-projector?
289
00:12:32,436 --> 00:12:34,527
See this is the kind
of disconnect from humanity
290
00:12:34,547 --> 00:12:36,772
that I was talking about!
291
00:12:36,790 --> 00:12:38,623
[scoffs]
292
00:12:38,776 --> 00:12:41,293
Well, well, well, come to papa.
293
00:12:41,445 --> 00:12:44,722
Looks like Daddy's gonna
fuck himself some light.
294
00:12:46,625 --> 00:12:48,016
Hello?
295
00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:51,544
Beth?
296
00:12:51,564 --> 00:12:53,772
Anybody home?
297
00:12:55,568 --> 00:12:57,550
What would you like to see?
298
00:12:57,570 --> 00:12:59,719
Oh, God, I'm like
a kid in a candy store.
299
00:12:59,739 --> 00:13:02,222
Um, okay,
well, definitely Ann-Margret.
300
00:13:02,241 --> 00:13:04,390
And let's have her
sitting on my face.
301
00:13:04,410 --> 00:13:05,892
Initiating.
302
00:13:05,911 --> 00:13:07,911
[laughs]
303
00:13:10,565 --> 00:13:13,049
- [door slams]
- Dad!
304
00:13:13,051 --> 00:13:15,210
Dad, are you home?
305
00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:17,704
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Hi!
306
00:13:17,706 --> 00:13:20,390
I got accepted into NYU!
307
00:13:20,392 --> 00:13:22,926
We didn't apply to NYU.
308
00:13:23,078 --> 00:13:25,320
Yeah, well, I applied to
a couple schools by myself.
309
00:13:25,339 --> 00:13:27,672
And you didn't...
you didn't tell me about it?
310
00:13:27,825 --> 00:13:29,099
Well, I mean,
I didn't think I had to
311
00:13:29,251 --> 00:13:30,750
because they put me
on the waitlist,
312
00:13:30,770 --> 00:13:32,160
but then they just
called me and they said
313
00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:33,929
they have room in the fall.
314
00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:36,832
I can't believe you did all
this behind my back, darling.
315
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,333
I mean, you only wanted me
316
00:13:38,352 --> 00:13:39,443
to apply to Missouri schools
and I...
317
00:13:39,594 --> 00:13:40,861
You got into the best one.
318
00:13:41,012 --> 00:13:42,754
Washington University
of St. Louis.
319
00:13:42,906 --> 00:13:44,430
It's the Harvard
of the Midwest.
320
00:13:44,450 --> 00:13:46,341
Yeah, but I always
wanted to explore.
321
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:48,218
Explore what?
I don't know if you've noticed
322
00:13:48,237 --> 00:13:50,762
the bleakness that's enveloping
this country like a heavy fog,
323
00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:52,364
but it's very
dangerous out there.
324
00:13:52,516 --> 00:13:54,866
Students at the University
of Arizona have to barter
325
00:13:55,019 --> 00:13:57,110
their own internal organs
for safe passage.
326
00:13:57,129 --> 00:13:59,938
I mean, these are dystopian
times we're living in.
327
00:13:59,957 --> 00:14:04,501
Attention, Ann-Margret is
waiting to sit on your face.
328
00:14:04,653 --> 00:14:05,877
- What was that?
- That was nothing.
329
00:14:06,030 --> 00:14:07,930
Look, maybe you have
some romantic notion that
330
00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:09,640
you're gonna find yourself in
New York, but let me assure you
331
00:14:09,791 --> 00:14:12,142
that version of that
city no longer exists.
332
00:14:12,294 --> 00:14:14,478
St. Louis is now what
New York used to be.
333
00:14:14,629 --> 00:14:16,054
It's full of racial strife
334
00:14:16,206 --> 00:14:17,463
with the occasional
affordable neighborhood.
335
00:14:17,483 --> 00:14:19,799
New York is now
just a flooded playground
336
00:14:19,819 --> 00:14:21,810
for the 1% of the 1%.
337
00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:24,304
The Bronx is now Brooklyn,
Brooklyn is now Manhattan,
338
00:14:24,323 --> 00:14:26,990
Manhattan is now Dubai
and darling, the worst part?
339
00:14:27,142 --> 00:14:29,809
Worst part is, Staten Island
is still just Staten Island.
340
00:14:29,829 --> 00:14:32,737
Ha. That thing is a civic
black hole that the light
341
00:14:32,890 --> 00:14:35,999
of gentrification and human
decency can't penetrate.
342
00:14:36,151 --> 00:14:38,151
Look, I made up my mind.
343
00:14:38,170 --> 00:14:40,820
If you don't wanna pay for it,
I can get student loans.
344
00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:42,172
I don't understand.
345
00:14:42,324 --> 00:14:44,733
Is NYU's public policy
school that much better?
346
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:47,719
I wouldn't know because I'm
gonna go to their film school.
347
00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:51,014
Film school?
Jesus Christ.
348
00:14:51,166 --> 00:14:53,925
Every parent's
worst nightmare.
349
00:14:54,078 --> 00:14:55,594
I've always wanted
to tell stories.
350
00:14:55,746 --> 00:14:56,912
You know this about me.
351
00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:58,722
Beth.
352
00:14:58,874 --> 00:15:00,524
Your mom was raised
in a two-room house
353
00:15:00,675 --> 00:15:02,100
with seven other people, okay?
354
00:15:02,252 --> 00:15:04,603
She worked her ass off,
literally, every day
355
00:15:04,755 --> 00:15:06,938
just to go to Ateneo de Manila
University, okay?
356
00:15:07,091 --> 00:15:08,866
I know that she wants
me to go to college.
357
00:15:09,017 --> 00:15:10,609
I just don't think she'd
give a shit whether it was
358
00:15:10,761 --> 00:15:13,078
NYU or Washington University...
359
00:15:13,230 --> 00:15:14,638
It's the Harvard
of the Midwest.
360
00:15:14,656 --> 00:15:16,582
Harvard of Missouri!
361
00:15:18,644 --> 00:15:20,610
Where you going?
Where you going?
362
00:15:20,629 --> 00:15:22,604
I don't know,
I've never stormed off before.
363
00:15:22,623 --> 00:15:24,314
All right, okay,
well, let me fix your hair
364
00:15:24,333 --> 00:15:26,090
before you leave, too,
'cause it's a mess.
365
00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:27,943
Look, I don't wanna fight.
366
00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:29,553
Well, I don't either.
367
00:15:29,704 --> 00:15:32,038
Great, so can we just...
368
00:15:32,057 --> 00:15:33,281
talk about this?
369
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:34,683
Sure.
370
00:15:37,212 --> 00:15:39,454
So go ahead and apologize.
371
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,273
For what?
372
00:15:41,424 --> 00:15:43,558
For applying
to schools without me.
373
00:15:43,711 --> 00:15:47,295
[laughs]
Okay, well, I'm sorry, Dad.
374
00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:49,689
I'm sorry I don't wanna
live at home forever
375
00:15:49,842 --> 00:15:52,183
while you jerk off
to your holo-projector.
376
00:15:52,203 --> 00:15:55,078
Oh, hey, how dare you
kink-shame me, young l...
377
00:15:55,230 --> 00:15:57,063
you were raised in
a sex positive home.
378
00:15:57,082 --> 00:15:59,141
Don't you forget that.
My goodness.
379
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:00,584
Ew!
380
00:16:00,735 --> 00:16:02,777
Resume projection.
381
00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:05,255
Resuming Ann-Margret
sitting on your face.
382
00:16:11,229 --> 00:16:14,706
[dramatic music]
383
00:16:14,725 --> 00:16:16,808
[tires screeching]
384
00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:18,518
Hey...
385
00:16:24,426 --> 00:16:26,777
Look,
I know that Puso sa Puso
386
00:16:26,928 --> 00:16:28,670
is important to you,
but, uh...
387
00:16:28,689 --> 00:16:31,764
that guy out there on
the screen, that's not me.
388
00:16:31,784 --> 00:16:33,525
Right, that's me
doing a drunken impression
389
00:16:33,677 --> 00:16:35,510
of Robert Wagner...
390
00:16:35,529 --> 00:16:38,196
who was doing a very weak
impression of Cary Grant.
391
00:16:38,348 --> 00:16:42,834
The real me is bound to be
a huge disappointment to you.
392
00:16:44,705 --> 00:16:47,965
I'm just... I'm so sorry that
I'm all you have in this world.
393
00:16:48,116 --> 00:16:49,800
That's a bum deal.
394
00:16:49,951 --> 00:16:52,377
No two ways about that.
[chuckles]
395
00:16:53,305 --> 00:16:57,123
Of course, I didn't have
it very easy myself.
396
00:16:57,142 --> 00:17:00,644
My father was an alcoholic
mass of impotent rage.
397
00:17:00,795 --> 00:17:03,313
And my mother was a grifter
who saw parenting as,
398
00:17:03,465 --> 00:17:04,731
well, just another angle.
399
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:08,468
Doesn't get any better
any farther on up
400
00:17:08,487 --> 00:17:10,395
the family tree, either.
401
00:17:10,547 --> 00:17:12,990
We're all directly descended
from an 18th-century
402
00:17:13,141 --> 00:17:15,808
German cult leader
named Brachmire
403
00:17:15,828 --> 00:17:17,886
who preached an
interpretation of Lutheranism,
404
00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:20,055
where everybody had
to diddle each other
405
00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:22,741
while making eye contact,
but anywhoodles, anywhoodles.
406
00:17:22,893 --> 00:17:27,153
The one constant in this
unending cycle of trauma
407
00:17:27,172 --> 00:17:29,731
is selfish parents
raising selfish kids,
408
00:17:29,750 --> 00:17:31,991
but you know what?
That's gonna end with us
409
00:17:32,011 --> 00:17:34,327
because for the first
time in my life,
410
00:17:34,346 --> 00:17:37,739
I feel capable of living
for somebody else.
411
00:17:37,758 --> 00:17:40,408
From now on, everything I do,
everything I am
412
00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:44,079
is gonna be in service of you
and your future, darling.
413
00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:46,581
You are my purpose now.
Anything you want,
414
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,508
I promise you,
anything you need.
415
00:17:48,527 --> 00:17:51,269
Can you...
can you braid my hair?
416
00:17:51,421 --> 00:17:54,013
Oh, my goodness.
You speak English?
417
00:17:54,033 --> 00:17:56,057
My God.
418
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:59,352
You know, I'm not too shabby
with languages myself.
419
00:17:59,371 --> 00:18:01,354
I speak four or five
of them pretty good.
420
00:18:01,373 --> 00:18:02,781
Pretty well.
421
00:18:02,933 --> 00:18:04,391
All right, easy there
George Plimpton,
422
00:18:04,409 --> 00:18:06,101
because nobody
likes a know-it-all.
423
00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:08,712
Hair braiding,
is that what you said?
424
00:18:08,863 --> 00:18:10,505
Hey, I can do that.
425
00:18:12,867 --> 00:18:14,676
How the hell do I do that?
426
00:18:23,729 --> 00:18:25,637
Oh, okay,
you want me to brush it?
427
00:18:25,789 --> 00:18:27,439
Hair brushing, here we go.
428
00:18:28,675 --> 00:18:30,608
All right...
429
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,535
lovely hair.
430
00:18:32,537 --> 00:18:33,719
- Ow!
- Sorry.
431
00:18:33,739 --> 00:18:34,821
Ow...
432
00:18:38,351 --> 00:18:39,609
[clicking tongue]
Tch, tch, tch, tch.
433
00:18:39,761 --> 00:18:41,394
Can't talk like that.
434
00:18:41,413 --> 00:18:44,306
At least not directly
into my face like that.
435
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:46,566
I'll be gentle.
436
00:18:46,585 --> 00:18:48,568
That okay?
437
00:18:48,587 --> 00:18:50,837
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
438
00:18:56,169 --> 00:18:58,278
Dad, I know you
think in times like these,
439
00:18:58,296 --> 00:19:00,004
going to film school
is a pointless luxury
440
00:19:00,157 --> 00:19:01,747
and that you think public
policy is the only way
441
00:19:01,767 --> 00:19:03,433
to enact change,
but I would argue that
442
00:19:03,585 --> 00:19:05,102
stories are just as important.
443
00:19:05,253 --> 00:19:06,603
They were always the light
in the darkness for me,
444
00:19:06,754 --> 00:19:07,771
and as Plato's cave teaches...
445
00:19:07,922 --> 00:19:10,131
You can go to NYU, Beth.
446
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,776
It was wrong of me
to get in between your dream.
447
00:19:12,927 --> 00:19:15,278
That is not the kind of parent
that I ever want to be.
448
00:19:15,430 --> 00:19:18,173
You're old enough to figure out
who you are for yourself.
449
00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:21,343
If you're telling me that's NYU
and film school, oh, God,
450
00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:23,512
then we will definitely figure
out a way to make that happen.
451
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,288
Thank you!
452
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,582
Oh, my God,
thank you, thank you.
453
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,159
- Oh, God.
- [laughs] Hmm.
454
00:19:29,311 --> 00:19:30,401
God, I knew
you'd come around.
455
00:19:30,421 --> 00:19:31,870
Did you?
456
00:19:32,022 --> 00:19:33,355
It's just...
I thought it would be after
457
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,780
I convinced you with my speech,
458
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,299
which I still plan
on giving, by the way.
459
00:19:36,451 --> 00:19:38,201
It's a tight three hours,
including the overture.
460
00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:41,621
Well, I'd expect nothing
less from my scion.
461
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:42,973
I love you, Dad.
462
00:19:43,124 --> 00:19:44,799
I love you, too.
463
00:19:44,952 --> 00:19:49,104
Um... how much is this
all gonna cost me?
464
00:19:50,374 --> 00:19:51,706
Um...
465
00:19:51,725 --> 00:19:54,151
150k per year.
466
00:19:54,302 --> 00:19:55,710
Oh...
[groans]
467
00:19:55,729 --> 00:19:56,895
Oh, that got me.
468
00:19:57,047 --> 00:19:58,238
Ow.
469
00:19:58,389 --> 00:19:59,972
Not including
room and board.
470
00:19:59,992 --> 00:20:01,974
Oh, I can't breathe.
471
00:20:01,994 --> 00:20:04,736
That's so bad.
472
00:20:04,888 --> 00:20:06,404
Well...
473
00:20:06,556 --> 00:20:09,148
lucky for us,
you can stay with me,
474
00:20:09,168 --> 00:20:13,328
'cause by the way,
I'm going to New York, too.
475
00:20:13,330 --> 00:20:15,005
What?
476
00:20:15,156 --> 00:20:17,340
Yeah, I decided to accept
the job of commissioner,
477
00:20:17,492 --> 00:20:18,900
which just happens
to be in New York City.
478
00:20:18,919 --> 00:20:20,735
I mean, as you know,
479
00:20:20,754 --> 00:20:22,637
it has always been
my life-long dream.
480
00:20:24,499 --> 00:20:26,908
You never once mentioned it.
481
00:20:26,927 --> 00:20:28,743
Well, it's the kind of dream
you keep secret for fear
482
00:20:28,762 --> 00:20:30,245
that it won't
actually come true,
483
00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:32,764
but it has, at long last.
Jim Brockmire,
484
00:20:32,916 --> 00:20:35,141
Baseball Commissioner.
485
00:20:35,143 --> 00:20:37,861
That sounds... insane.
486
00:20:38,012 --> 00:20:39,771
Well, probably, yes.
Possibly.
487
00:20:39,923 --> 00:20:42,616
But look, the important
thing is you're going to NYU.
488
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:45,443
Yeah.
489
00:20:45,595 --> 00:20:47,853
- Yeah, with my dad.
- Exactly.
490
00:20:47,873 --> 00:20:50,523
And oh, wait till you see
the condo that I got for us
491
00:20:50,542 --> 00:20:52,525
in New York.
Wait till I see it,
492
00:20:52,544 --> 00:20:54,953
because I kind of panicked,
went in way above asking
493
00:20:55,105 --> 00:20:57,121
and bought it sight unseen
and now...
494
00:20:57,274 --> 00:21:00,133
oh, I'm so over-extended
on that thing.
495
00:21:00,285 --> 00:21:02,427
Well, did you sell
the Ojai house?
496
00:21:03,871 --> 00:21:05,705
Oh, God.
497
00:21:05,724 --> 00:21:07,206
That would've made
so much more sense.
498
00:21:07,226 --> 00:21:10,376
Oh... I am so terrible
at real estate.
499
00:21:10,395 --> 00:21:12,178
[groans]
I mean, the whole thing
500
00:21:12,331 --> 00:21:14,864
is terrifying.
You know that mortgage
501
00:21:14,866 --> 00:21:16,140
means "Death contract"?
502
00:21:16,293 --> 00:21:19,294
Death contract...
the hell is that?
503
00:21:19,312 --> 00:21:21,963
You know what?
We gotta sell this place, too.
504
00:21:21,982 --> 00:21:24,466
Right away,
no time to stage it.
505
00:21:24,484 --> 00:21:27,869
We'll take the first offer
we are lucky enough to get.
506
00:21:28,015 --> 00:21:33,015
Subtitles by explosiveskull
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507
00:21:33,065 --> 00:21:37,615
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