Original subtitles

- Is that a good explosion? - Well, we were in it.

We are all going back to Earth.

Not if Mr. Judd is on this shuttle you are not.

Why don't you take one of these things?

- That came off pretty easy. - It's like a movie set.

Everyone, we're still on Earth!

- No. - We can just walk out

of the airlock!

If you wanna go out, you can go out.

No, no!

- Is it my fault? - Your arguments were confusing.

I was trying to be nuanced.

Well, I think you just nuanced them to death!

We just watched seven people stupid themselves to death.

At least they didn't suffer.

No, they did.

It would've been ungodly agony.

It's Matt.

What?

"I have changed the codes to the airlock."

No one will ever use them again.

"No more deaths, no more tragedies."

That's good. That's smart.

How are we supposed to jettison all this stuff now?

We need the codes.

Or what are we gonna do, just open the sunroof?

That's dumb. What Matt wrote is dumb.

"I came here to fix people, but I need to fix myself.

You will not see me again."

Oh my god. Does that mean he's gonna top himself?

I... I am...

up to here with suicides.

Guys, if we can't jettison this stuff in the next hour,

then we're all in this

for the long, three-and-a-half-year stretch.

- Hour? - One hour?

Yes! Or 60 minutes,

if a longer-sounding number makes you all feel better.

- For some reason, it does. - Matt, listen to me,

you can't do this, all right?

Life without you would be...

Hang up. That pause is really telling.

The only word I could think of was "easier."

Um...

Oh, fuck, is this still recording?

Now I've sent it!

What?

He's definitely gonna kill himself now.

Flood his inbox, so everyone send him a message.

Okay, flood. Everybody. Everybody.

Hey, Matt, it's Judd from work.

Um...

- Did you get my joke? - Suicide never ends well.

- You're the son I never had... - Hey, sweetie.

The lover I never wanted.

My uncle killed himself.

Why don't you call me? We'll go do something.

There's not really more to that.

I'm not very good at this, and you know that,

so let's just pretend that I am, and...

Matt, those people were fucking idiots,

we're better off without them, give us the goddamn codes.

Iris!

What? That's basically what we're all saying, right?

Well, that was, uh,

certainly one of my more eventful journeys.

No, no, no, it wasn't. Uh, the official line is

it was a staggeringly uneventful journey,

and I am now totally fine. Uh-uh-uh! Remain in your seat.

What, you want me to just sit here?

Yes, and keep the engine running.

- It's an automated system... - I don't care, shuttle man.

Excellent work. Well done.

I miss Sarah so much.

If it's any consolation,

the way her hand shattered... I mean, it was beautiful.

It really was.

- How do you think he'll do it? - Swallow broken glass.

No, how would Matt do it, not how would you do it, Iris.

Wait, I got a new message from Matt.

"Sorry, just to be clear, I'm not going to kill myself."

"I'm going to hide out on the ship

for the next three and a half years."

Pick a fucking lane, am I right?

This is what we're gonna do. We are gonna find him,

we're gonna get the code, and we're gonna kill him.

Okay? We're gonna split up into groups.

Uh, Spike, you go with... Uh, you with Doug.

Oh yeah! Boys on tour!

Concentrate on Deck Five.

Uh, Nadia, Billie, and Jordan, you take H Sector,

including the peripheral horseshoe.

It's... called the donut.

No, it doesn't go all the way round.

It's... It's always been a horseshoe.

I call it a ringpiece.

No, that's not helpful.

It's not important what it's called.

But we call it the "nearly circle."

- Okay. - Great.

And now, the F Sector, Frank, Mads, and Mia,

including the galley.

Okay, rest of you with me.

How 'bout this tough guy captain, huh?

Alpha to the nut sack.

- Proactive. - Yeah, like a yogurt.

Uh, Karen and Iris, you better carry on with the jettisoning,

because we're still short of our target weight.

We will be ruthless.

But also, merciless.

Um... Aren't those the same thing?

No. You need to be both.

- Oh. Okay. - Do the, um...

"you do that, you do this" taking charge shit again.

- No. - That's it. I miss that guy.

Matt! Can you hear me? Matt?

- Matt! Matt! - Matt!

- Matt? - We should come up with

code names in case we get separated.

Oh, that's an awesome idea.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Um...

- I'm gonna be Cobra. - Shit! That's a good one.

What was I thinking? The coupling.

Doug and Spike. They're probably gonna end up

blowing each other in a doorway.

- Can I be Cobra? - No, man, I'm Cobra.

I could be Python.

Uh, that's just another snake.

Cobra's just the best. I'm not gonna beat Cobra.

Yeah, I'm just gonna call ya Doug.

- But I wanted to look captainy. - Mm.

Seriously, my decision to make a quick decision

was itself a bad decision.

I have the decision-making powers

of a pigeon trapped in a library.

A library. Why... why is the pigeon in the library?

I... I saw a pigeon in a library once.

It did not make good decisions.

Matt, buddy.

Hey, Matt, this is Mads. Remember me?

Kind of athletic build, six feet.

- Good complexion. - Seriously?

- What? I moisturize. - No, I mean,

you're seriously yelling about how good-looking you are

to a lunatic in the dark?

Oh my god. You know what?

- I think we gotta take a break. - What?

Hey, hey, hey. You blew it. You blew it, buddy.

Women don't like vanity in men. It's emasculating.

I'm just trying to describe myself.

I know. And Doug would not shout that out about himself,

- I'm just saying. - Okay, well, Doug doesn't moisturize his face.

Unless tears count.

- So, I'm like... - What are we even supposed to do

when he find him? Arrest him?

No, we're not gonna arrest him.

- Go on. - So, I'm like,

"If you want a tight ten minutes, mate,

go fuck your dog." And then I left.

I never went back.

- That is gross. I mean... - Billie.

- Yeah. - As soon as we've got the codes,

we need something from outside.

What... What do we need from outside?

Joe's hands and his head for print recognition

in case Captain Ryan's too crashy to dock the ship.

Yeah.

We're gonna have to cut off Joe's hands for his prints.

We're sending him out there to dismember a corpse?

Yeah. We need his handprints for recognition.

Oh, well, just making sure.

Maybe bring back his ass? That'd be funny.

Goodbye, Sarah.

Sarah, bridge crew.

To control a ship, you need to know

how to control your emotions. I do both.

I'm sorry, Sarah.

It gets lonely on the bridge, but we love an audience.

Come see how we fly the ship.

Goodbye, Sarah.

She had a dignity to her, don't you think?

How do I handle her? The ship, that is.

- A sort of... - Come and visit us...

potato-ey grandeur.

To dust, Sarah.

Sarah, bridge crew. To learn how to control a ship,

you need to know how to control your emotions.

- Look at them. - I do both.

Just ordinary idiots who went out of an airlock one night.

- I could've saved them. - We tried.

You know, you can lead a horse to water,

but you can't stop it

from throwing itself violently out of an airlock.

You can, with the most basic horse harness.

- You could do that. - Can you, though?

- Yeah. - Hmm.

I'm the captain of a ship that's leaking passengers.

Hey, hey...

I already lost seven good souls.

I'm not gonna lose an eighth.

- Eleven. - What?

You've lost 11 good souls in total.

Yeah, if you count the other human beings

who also perished on this ship. That's a lot.

That's a lot. Wow.

Wait a minute...

"Nothingness." "White Light." "The Void."

I think I know exactly where he is.

Oh my god!

You're doing a detective thing with the words. I love it!

Come with me. And you can call me Captain

'cause I think I deserve it this time.

This is all good, but we need to think great.

Remember, weight is great. Okay?

Um... Oh, this is the kind of sacrifice we need.

How many guitars did you bring on this trip?

- Nine. - Oh.

- Go grab 'em all. - What are these?

Oh, they're... they're stands for my weights.

- I don't need 'em. - Mm-hmm.

- And where are your weights? - No, I need those.

We need to jettison excess weight,

and you won't contribute literal weights?

Please. I personally threw out Captain Ryan's rowing machine.

I mean, he doesn't need it. He's in great shape, but, uh...

Is that true? About, uh... Ryan's rowing machine?

You went in his room?

- What are you implying? - Nothing.

Some people are saying you had a thing with him.

But then, some other people are saying,

"No, they didn't have a thing."

But then, the first people are saying,

"No, yeah, they did." So... I'm just saying, there...

There's a lot of confusion around this issue.

I would appreciate a little less bitching

and little more ditching, Iris.

Okay. We need to ditch the heavy-duty booty.

- You seen anything like that? - There's a reason they call me

the "All-Seeing Iris." Get out of my way.

Oh. He's not here.

Yeah... Why did you think Matt would be here?

Well, I thought I noticed these clues in his room,

these references to the whiteness

- and the void and so on. - Oh. Okay.

But the whole of the spaceship is white,

and the whole of space is a void, so...

That's a... That's a very valid point.

I think I may have overreached myself.

Hmm. Where are we right now?

Uh, this is the antechamber

- to the fusion drive. - Ah.

Why does the fusion drive need an antechamber?

- I don't know. - Right. I keep forgetting that.

- Hey! Hey! Hi! - Oh!

Uh... What's, um... What's going on here?

I've just been relaxing in the spa...

- Oh! - Which is, um... still open?

- I think so. - It is?

I mean, I'm telling you it is.

Anyhoo, uh, what's... What's happening?

We're getting all our shit together

to throw out into space.

Oh, sure! I knew that.

And, um... uh, because I was, uh...

- in the waxing place... what am I like? Um... - Oh!

I missed something about dead bodies

flying out of the ship.

Some people threw themselves out the airlock.

Oh, good Lord.

And, um... Would you say

it was the responsibility of any crew?

No. No, not really, no.

Would you be willing to swear to that in a court of law?

All right, if we threw the pope's crown,

you think we could knock the portrait off the wall?

Maybe.

But we need the big-ticket portable heavies.

How 'bout her?

Oh, baby. That is not a her.

Oh, yeah!

We're taking your stupid fucking horse head

- out of the equation! - Iris?

Rav.

Is that it? Just a... Just a simple "Rav"?

See, I was expecting something more along the lines of...

"Uh, sorry for surrounding"

our groundbreaking luxury cruise liner

- "with shit and corpses." - Right.

Shouldn't you be at your workplace? On Earth?

Rav, Karen Kelly, displeased to meet you.

I have a whole list of grievances.

I wanna run through them all with you later.

Don't you have a captain to flirt with?

Now, you stop this, and you take me to Judd.

This is nice.

Yeah, we've got everything here.

You want a drink?

So, I was due to be in a new TV drama.

Oh, really? What was it?

It's called The Smasher, and I play the Smasher.

And why is it called The Smasher?

Well, that, we don't want to reveal

until The Smasher season four.

But I assume it's because you smash things.

- Sometimes. - Right.

But I think we're gonna try and make

a little more complicated than that.

Yeah, I mean, that sounds...

- Just, wow. Really. - Mm.

Um... I don't think I would watch something like that,

but I think a lot of people would.

Sarah used to say, "Who's up for a drink or three?"

Normally, the... The phrase is "or two."

A drink or two!

I miss her so much!

Do you think that maybe you should tell her a joke?

Just to kinda, like, cheer her up.

'Cause you're funny, you do jokes.

Well, I don't know if you can cheer up a grieving person

with a joke.

At least, that's what they said at my son's funeral.

There you go.

- You did it. - Funny! Bleak, but funny.

We need to go and look for Matt.

Yeah.

As if someone would want to have a baby with you.

Yeah. That's it.

Poor Matt.

Space is a cruel mistress.

Mmm.

You'd know about that, wouldn't you, though?

Super-Casanova.

NASA-nova.

- Have you seen the tall weirdo? - Matt!

It's not a life, Doug.

What are you talking about?

You've landed on the stars.

Do you know what I do for a living?

I co-manage a sporting equipment store

with a diabetic racist named Roy.

Sure, but now, I'm a Punch and Judy Man.

I make balloon animals for brats.

And brats' moms.

I don't even enjoy the sex anymore.

Feels like I'm slapping wet concrete.

Maybe I'm the balloon animal.

No. You are not a balloon animal.

- Dumb losers say what? - What?

What? Oh, shit. We shouldn't have said "what."

That was the whole... Dammit, good one.

Where's your sex-crazed Russian?

Ugh, he's Swedish, and he's exhausting.

Ooh. Ah.

Rav?

Hello, Douglas. How are you? Gosh, this is awkward.

Last time I saw you, you were kissing my neck.

Thank you so much for trapping me up here

- with Barney fucking Rubble! - Mia!

God, for the last time,

I was legitimately trying to help...

- Oh, were you? - Save this miserable marriage

by sending him away from me and you into orbit!

Get your hands away from my girlfriend, mysterious lady.

Girlfriend?

No, no, no, no!

Hey! I know some street moves! Okay?

I don't want to use my street moves on you, man.

Let's...

- Guys... - Where is he?

I thought this was gonna be so much hotter than it is.

We're supposed to be looking for Matt!

Sensing a lot of tension in this room.

Every room you're in ripples with tension.

Come on, we're running out of time to find Matt. This way!

Get your head out of his ballsack! Let's go.

Why do I keep thinking I'm clever? I'm not.

On a good day, I'm barely not stupid.

- Matt! - You are clever.

I remember saying that to Iris

the first time I saw your headshot.

Well, exactly. I'm not clever,

but I look as if I should be. Matt!

Maybe I should shave this off.

It's giving me delusions of wisdom.

Actually, you can't.

Beardedness is stipulated in your contract.

Matt!

Ryan. Judd.

What... the fuck have you been doing?

Just, uh...

you know, having snack attacks and shrieking.

Did you not hear...

I mean, you're not even hiding.

Well, we're all hiding. I'm hiding.

- You're hiding. - You are.

Wh... What the hell was "the void?"

- My empty tummy. - Oh my god.

That makes so much more sense

than a random white room with a big fan.

Okay, well, Matt, we need the airlock codes.

No. I've been itemizing my thoughts. Thought 309:

"Every year, we pass the pre-anniversary of our death

but we don't even know it, so we don't get presents."

Seriously, Matt, we need... We need the codes now, so...

Thought 14:

"Poor octopus..."

eight arms, but no hands.

"Fuck you, God."

Yeah, that is a good point.

The codes! Matt, we need the codes.

- Give me... Give me the codes. - Oh, jeez.

Where... Where are they? What are you doing?

What are you doing... No, you stand upright, and I'll...

No, no, no. You stay...

All right, full report. What is going on?

Mom, you're sweet.

Oh my god!

- Hi, Rav! - Rav!

Not now, Ryan. Oh, don't "Hey, Rav" me.

- You need to apologize. - For what? About...

Oh, is this about the fact that everybody on Earth hates you?

'Cause I am against that.

I'm sorry, that's not good enough.

I had to leave an entire planet behind

because a baying mob wanted to bay me to death!

My life on Earth is buggered because of you!

And all I'm asking is that you just acknowledge that

and fucking apologize!

Whoa, whoa! You work for me.

With deep bloody regret, I do!

Iris!

- That felt amazing! - That's assault.

Right! Right. Yes, that is assault.

Iris!

- Why didn't I walk away? Iris! - That's real violence.

Right, who's next? You.

You better give her the codes, Matt.

Violence is never the solution.

- Just hit him. I think hit him. - Oh, oh, oh...

I haven't even touched you yet.

I'm telling you the number. Oh-oh-oh-five.

Five?

- Cyrus? Zerozerozero-five... - For Avenue 5. I made it so that

anyone thinking rationally would be able to guess it.

But anyone thinking irrationally,

anyone suicidal, would not.

Well, I didn't get it. Does that mean I'm suicidal?

Because honestly, just give me the nod,

- and I'm ready to... - Don't say that. Ever.

Uh, where's Judd?

He can't... He can't have gotten far.

He must be headed for the shuttle.

- What did you say? - Oh, shittle.

Mia...

Since when is there a shuttle?

What? All this time, I've been unduly pleasant to everyone,

and there was a way to get off?

Can we ease up? I have recent knees.

Come on, people, come on!

Faster, faster!

We run out of time, I'm gonna be taking names,

room numbers, and teeth!

Honey, people do not respond well

to threats of dental violence!

Well, you do, Frank.

Go, go, go, go, starbuck!

Yes, sir.

Go! Go, go, go!

Yes, sir. We're going, going, going, going.

That button initiates prelaunch.

The rest is automated.

What the fuck is the point of having a pilot?

There is a second button.

I shall press that in due course.

- Oh, good. That sounds fun. - I'm Paul.

Oh, yes! I've bagged him!

This is what big game hunters must feel like.

If I was that pilot, I'd have my finger

on the ejector seat button the whole way home.

You guys realize I hear every word

you're saying about me. It's very hurtful.

Uh... Well, Mr. Judd,

back on Earth, people really hate you.

So if you go back, you're gonna get ripped limb from limb,

and then bit of limb from bit of limb, so...

No! Me? Why?

Uh, well, in order: hatred, yes, you,

and because you contemplated mass murder.

On second thought, what's six months anyway?

I was in my mom's womb longer than that.

It was great getting to know you.

Thank you so much for sharing that story about your name.

He doesn't wanna go, he doesn't wanna go. No, no, no, no...

- Boom. The hero returns. - Yeah!

Billie, your laugh. It's a bit loud. Work on that.

What? Where the hell are you going?

You tricked me!

Okay, the sad clown

seems to have misunderstood what we're trying to do here.

All right, let's start this mother!

Who the hell is he, and why is he in Judd's seat?

That is Jordan Hatwal,

which is an anagram for Huge Asshole!

Jordan, I did like you, but I am very, very weird.

- That is true. She is. - Where's the pilot gone?

Just remembered I've got to, uh, change the, uh, travel catheter.

Fuck me!

- Go on, go! - What? What's happening?

You're gonna drive me back to Earth?

That little boy's grown into a man.

He's got himself some fat balls!

Our relationship is more important

than your lateral career move.

- Jesus! - Go, get in there, honey.

Oh, my gosh! I have never been

more attracted to you than right now!

Oh, oh, oh. Hey! Hey! Only one of you can go home.

All right? No one else sits that seat.

Doug, I want you to go. I want you to get home safe.

No, it has to be you. It has to be you.

- Fucking love you, Mia. - Oh, Doug!

It never felt right to just yell at someone like Mads

and have him just absorb it.

I also love you, yellow princess.

Will you shut the shit up?

- Okay. Yeah. - All that stuff about your laugh

and then trying to get in the shuttle,

it was all just a joke. An unclear joke.

You know, Jordan, you are an unclear joke.

Hey. Did somebody order the medieval feast?

- That Joe's bits? - I, uh, stripped him for parts.

Did you only have a clear bag?

No, it actually took me a while to find this.

It's biodegradable.

So, unfortunately, are Joe's hands.

They burst in space.

Poor Joe, he'd be so sad knowing he's not useful.

Handy.

Will you pause

the shitty open mic night routine

for just two minutes?

I should definitely go.

It's what Sarah would want.

I honestly never heard her say a good word about you, Nadia.

Right! No, no, no! What do you think...

No, no, no, no! Get back! Get back! Mia! No!

Right! That's it!

My patience has snapped

like a 200-year-old breadstick! I've had it!

I am the captain still!

And I decide who stays and who goes!

You two! Pinky and Perky! Out!

- Really? - Go on! Get out!

You have an anger problem.

That's the captain I remember from that headshot.

- Are they coming back? - Yeah.

Matt, give me Joe.

No... no, no, no, don't do that, not now. Just give me Joe.

Oh look, it's the Queen of Sheba and the Frank of Sheba.

- Look busy. - So, uh... Whoa.

What's that?

It's a bag with some of my friend in it.

Okay...

You're gonna need a cool bag because that will drip.

Karen, sorry, I don't mean to be impolite,

- but shut your piehole. - Hey!

- Frank. - Frank.

Just so everybody understands, whoever goes back,

takes Joe with them. All right?

Okay, okay.

Maybe... Maybe you should go.

What, me?

Get some rest. Watch some cricket.

Why? Because I'm standing here like this?

You realize I don't usually.

You're very unhappy.

You know that thing you do where you act sarcastic

so we all feel sorry for you? It works. We do.

Whatever it is you were trying to do,

we appreciate that.

I related to you

- because you always fell short. - Yeah.

You know what? Maybe I should be captain.

It's... It's kinda weird that I'm not.

Well, I am moved by your faith.

And then your lack of it. And now, your indifference.

Bye.

All right, come on, Chuckles, let's go.

Yes, sir, I've... I've pressed the button.

All right.

Billie? What... Why aren't you doing the...

Why do you think?

Oh, fuck! No!

- No, I can't go. - No?

You need my hands...

to... to... The big fucking steel...

Because Joe's hands are now pulped to buggery!

- Yeah. - No, I've gotta stay.

But actually, this forgetfulness

makes me think maybe you should go.

- Is he... always like that? - Oh, yeah.

He occasionally switches up the accent,

but for the most part, this is what I've been dealing with.

Maybe I should go.

Frank!

Okay. No, I'm good.

Shut up, Frank, 'cause the seat's got my name on it!

What? Oh, does the seat say "Smasher Fuckboy" on it?

You know what? I'm done with this hokey-pokey bull-S.

All right, uh, set port side jettison.

Hit that baby!

Jettison commencing. Fifty-five, 54...

You know, you've been my least favorite so far.

Well, you're not exactly Audrey Hepburn, are you?

- So let's just... - forty-nine...

Yeah, well, it is time for the second button.

Forty-six, 45...

That was the second button.

Shuttle launch commencing.

- Forty-one... - Sixty...

- forty... - fifty-nine...

- thirty-nine... - fifty-eight...

- thirty-eight... - fifty-seven...

What is this, a barbershit quartet?

This is like psychosis,

but without any of the advantages.

Why would you use your own voice?

I have a beautiful voice.

Iris, do you remember the day that we recorded my numbers?

Yes, you struggled to count in reverse,

so he counted up and made us re-edit it.

So genius.

Okay, make a hole. Judd coming through. Come on.

Why am I going now? I thought we all agreed

that every living creature on Earth hated me.

Is it 40 or four for the launch?

- Get your talentless ass outta here. - No, no!

Thirty-one...

- Airlocks open, yes. - Judd!

Get your talented ass in here!

And jettison.

I didn't touch anything.

We just jettisoned from the port side airlocks.

We're gonna home in six months, baby.

That's the woman who made me marry her!

You jettisoned out of the rear, not the port side.

You said "port side." It's the rear of the ship.

The port side airlock jettison, yeah.

- No, the rear of the ship... - No, the port...

is where we were jettisoning things out.

- Oh, that's right. Yeah. - Yeah.

But no. Um... Because we had so much stuff that...

And there are five airlocks along the port side

and only two at the stern. So it was more efficient,

you know, to jettison from the port side.

No, the whole point

is to jettison from the back of the ship

'cause that's what pushes you forwards,

in the direction you wanna go.

You've gotta... shit out of the back of the ship.

This is basic shitting!

Even babies know that, Karen. They shit out the back

- pretty consistently. - Right.

Karen, babies shit from the back!

I've seen babies do that. They do it in diapers!

Right, does no one teach physics in America?

- Somebody explain it properly! - Cyrus. Cyrus, get on it.

If you push on the left, if you push on the left...

- Then you p... - you push... you change...

- Oh my god. - She gets it now.

You have knocked us off course.

I feel like I'm dying and my teeth are falling out.

- On our new trajectory... - I don't wanna hear this.

The soonest we could even attempt

a rescue from Earth...

eight years.

Iris!

Get that door, Doug!

No! No, you can't... Don't... You can't...

Leave it!

The door is closed.

Yeah, I like to have it like that when we go to space.

No, no, no!

- Can you unclose it? - No. No, it's on the auto-lock.

That's short for automatic lock.

Iris!

I'm trapped!

I need you to do something really bad

so that everybody looks at you and not at me, okay?

I feel like I've fallen into nettles naked.

Remember when Frank pushed the button?

Yeah! Remember that, right?

Frank pushed the button. What an asshole Frank is.

I wonder which will go first, the mind or the body?

My money's on the mind.

Detach. Detach.

- Get away from the door. - No!

Too late. It's officially too late!

No!

- Eight years. - Fifteen, fourteen...

- Eight years! - Thirteen, twelve...

That's longer than the Beatles were together!

- Nine... - That's longer than the Seven Years' War!

- You no-good fucking side shitter. - Six, five, four...

- It's true. I am Frank. - Three, two...

- And I'm so sorry. - One. Launching.

Launching. Launching.

Launching.

Iris! You were like a coworker to me.

Don't touch my stuff!

Help! Stop it! Go back, go back!

- Go back! - Ow!

This has been a horrible day.

Iris!

You think she can hear me?

No.

But you may as well keep screaming.

Iris!

Iris!