Original subtitles

I can't believe we're riding in the elevator

as boyfriend and girlfriend for the first time!

I can't believe we're in your penthouse as boyfriend and girlfriend

for the first time!

I can't believe we just had sex in your bed as boyfriend and girlfriend

for the first time!

And on the floor and on the dresser.

You know, I... I thought punch card sex was amazing,

"I love you" sex? Off the charts.

Hey, uh... can you say those three little words again?

Yeah. Off the charts.

No... Yeah. The other three words?

- I love you. - I love you, too.

Hey, you know what I'm thinkin'?

- You're starving? - Yes!

Oh my God, I can't believe I just read your mind for the first time

as boyfriend, girlfriend!

Gabi...

You know what? I just read you mind again,

and I'm gonna stop with the first-time stuff.

Hey, so, um... do I make you breakfast as your chef,

or as your girlfriend?

Won't the eggs taste the same?

I don't know, I mean, it's kind of weird.

We're a couple, but I work for you.

I mean, what's to stop you from comin' up behind me

when I'm workin' and grabbin' me?

Nothing!

That's the point. I mean, it's kind of unprofessional.

Oh, hey, hey, wait a minute.

What about, when I'm wearing my apron, I'm your chef,

and when I'm not, I'm your girlfriend?

But what will you be when you're wearing nothing?

Late for work.

- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod - www.addic7ed.com

Yolanda, we have to talk.

Alan and I spent the entire weekend in bed,

plowing through Downton Abbey.

Is that where you put one leg on the headboard...

No!

No, the TV show.

We're exactly like the people in Downton Abbey.

They have upstairs people, like Josh,

and downstairs people, like us.

But when one of the downstairs people, the chauffeur,

married an upstairs person, he got all the power.

What are you saying?

The chauffeur is Gabi! The chauffeur is Gabi!

She has all the power now.

Don't you see? She's "Downton Gabi."

That was clever.

Baby, even if Gabi has the power,

She's not gonna do nothin' to me. She loves me.

Ooh, I see your problem.

Gabi's gonna get you fired.

That's what I'm afraid of!

I rue the day she started working here, that little...

Milady!

Did you just come from a Vogue photo shoot?

Uh, okay, what's wrong with my outfit?

I think, the question is,

what's right with it?

And the answer is...

everything!

Okay, Elliot, what's going on with you?

Are you on Ecstasy?

He's just been watchin' too much TV, sister.

Sister? Since when do you call me sister?

Oh... since you feel like family, and family never fires each other.

What?

Ooh, gotta go.

I got laundry to not do.

Wait! You're not gonna tell Josh I said that, are you?

- No, of course not. - Oh. Well, I'm off to the laundry room.

To not drink.

Uh, you're not gonna tell Josh I winked, right?

- Sorry, sister. - Milady.

Okay. What is going on around here?

That's a good one.

You're hilarious!

Okay, something very strange is going on with Elliot and Yolanda.

I think they're kind of freaking out

because you and I are together.

What? No. We've been together before.

Yeah, but it's different this time. I mean,

we're in an actual relationship, and since I'm sleeping here,

that makes them see me as the lady of the house.

Gabi, that's ridiculous.

Elliot called me "Milady."

Okay, I'll talk to them.

No, don't talk to 'em, then they'll just know that I told on 'em.

Actually, I have a better idea.

Why don't you just start sleepin' over at my place?

Done.

We're such a good couple.

Couple of lovebugs, ha! I immediately regret saying that.

Please still have sex with me.

Oh my God. Gabi, wow.

So, um, I know you're making these biscuits for Josh,

you're gonna tell me that I can't eat any,

but, uh, too late!

That's okay, I'm not mad.

You wanna know why? 'Cause Josh and I are gonna eat these,

then we're gonna have sex, then we're gonna fall asleep,

and then we're gonna have sex again, then we're gonna fall asleep.

Guess what we're doing in the morning?

- Have sex again? - Yeah!

And then, we're gonna go to this new bakery, the Rolling Scone.

I'll order a raisin, but they'll accidentally give me a blueberry,

and then Josh will switch with me because he's so sweet, oh my God,

I am so happy, Sofia!

Who isn't?

Uh, Gabi, quick question.

Um, is Josh sleeping here gonna be like

a every night thing now?

Oh, no, not every night, just until, you know, Elliot and Yolanda

get used to me and Josh's new situation.

Okay, but what about my situation?

I mean, what if I want to bring my boyfriend over?

Oh my God, you got a boyfriend?

I said "if."

Hey, Sofia! How you doin'?

Oh, yeah. Don't act like you don't want me to leave. I'm leaving.

Who said I wanted you to leave?

Thank God she's gone.

- Hey, girlfriend. - Hey, boyfriend.

Hey, uh, I brought something special for my first night here.

What is it?

Shwah!

Oh my God, that's so cute.

It'll be the first time you brush your teeth here.

Yeah. Right after the first time I shower here.

Hope you don't mind.

The showers at the Crossfit Gym are... kinda gross.

Oh, hey, Josh, if we're out of TP, I've got some coffee filters.

Uh, that's... that's uh, good, that's okay.

There's... already some in here.

It's okay.

It's okay.

She's got a lot of really good qualities.

I'm just gonna... gonna take a quick shower.

Everything's gonna be fine, it's gonna be fine.

Oh, and Josh, when you turn on the shower,

don't let the brown water freak you out.

Just be patient, it goes away.

That's great to know!

Okay, definitely not taking a shower.

Oh, thank God, a Wet-Nap.

Not a Wet-Nap. It's sticky, it has hair on it!

Oh my God, it's a wax strip!

Oh... Okay, you know what?

I'm brushin' my teeth.

Brushin' my teeth. She's gotta have toothpaste in here.

I'm not touching you.

Did I tell you how happy I am to be spending the night with you?

Aww!

Hey, that was a really quick shower.

Yeah, couldn't wait to get the hell out of there.

To be with you.

Aww.

Hey, uh... you know what I was thinking?

That we should go to a hotel?

Uh, I was thinking...

that we should do it on the counter.

Oh. Uh, that is, uh... dirty.

Hell, yeah, it is.

- Yeah, right. - Oh!

Hey!

Where, uh... Where are we goin'?

Anywhere but the counter.

Oh... how about we do it in the shower?

How about we do it on the counter?

How can you not be hot?

Oh, come on.

Hey, Gabi!

Okay, so... about last night...

No. Apron!

Remember, when I'm wearing my apron, I'm only your chef,

so we can't talk about it.

Fine, we won't talk about it.

How can we not talk about it?

I mean, it was our first full night together

at my apartment, and I woke up in the morning

and you weren't there.

- Can I please explain? - No, you don't have to explain.

I know what's going on, I... I mean, we spent four nights together in Aspen,

and then we came back here, and we spent another night at your place,

and you're feeling smothered.

No! No! No!

Gabi, I had... I had a business call. At 7:00 a.m.

That's why I left early.

Oh, really? 'Cause I woke up at four, and you weren't there.

Yes... because the call was in New York.

And... and they're three hours ahead.

They are?

Believe me, if I didn't have that call, I

could've stayed in bed with you all day.

Aww...

- So are we good? - Yes. We're very good.

- Okay. So I'll see you tonight? - Here?

Oh. No, silly, my place.

Oh, but I have to warn you, I spent so

much time being angry this morning,

I didn't have time to clean up.

I'm sure I'll barely notice!

Hi, my name's Josh Kaminski.

I'm lookin' for a new cleaning lady, ASAP.

A new cleanin' lady?

I told you!

No... No, I... Look, I love the one I have.

But I'm just doin' this for my girlfriend.

That bitch!

Don't you call my new boss names.

Yeah, I need to clean house.

I had no idea what a disaster these two were.

- Two? That bitch. - Mm!

Oh my God, Gabi! You're not gonna believe what happened!

You met someone?

Haha, no!

Now close your eyes and get ready

for the greatest surprise ever!

Okay, open 'em.

Can you believe it!

Oh my God, what happened to our apartment?

I don't know! I got home from work, and there was a maid here,

and all these delivery people that Josh sent!

And look, Gabi. A real bed,

with memory foam.

It's hugging me.

Wait. But... But what was wrong with my old bed?

And look at this, Gabi... a new fridge!

And this one actually keeps stuff cold, so on hot days,

we can open the door and stick our faces in it,

except we don't have to,

because now we have a brand-new air conditioner!

Wait. But... But why would Josh do all of this?

Because he's a God, Gabi.

And wait! You haven't seen the best part yet.

Behold, our brand-new...

bathroom.

Wow.

He put in a new shower?

And a new showerhead.

I named him Darius.

I don't believe this.

So?

Do you love it?

How dare you!

You changed everything in my apartment.

Who does that.

Josh does that.

Because he's magnificent.

Now if anyone needs me, I'll be spending some quality time with Darius.

I mean, you didn't even ask me.

Why would I ask you? That's like asking

a homeless person if they want a home.

What does that mean?

I'll tell you what it means, it means

I think you think my stuff is crap.

Is that what you think, Josh? Huh? Is it? Is it? Say it!

It's crap!

I can't believe

you just called my crappy stuff crap!

- You just called your stuff crap! - I'm allowed to

because it's my crap, and I love my crap!

I mean, I love my crappy bed.

It was impossible to sleep in!

No, it wasn't. That mattress was perfectly molded to my body.

What isn't molded in this apartment?

That's the reason you left in the middle of the night.

There was no business call in New York!

You snuck out of here because you hated it here!

You hated every second of being here!

Not every second.

Just most seconds!

Gabi, I'm a grown man, and I like grown-man comforts.

Comforts that I purchased for you,

that any other woman would love.

I love this!

So you did all this for me?

Yes.

Uh, you didn't do it for yourself,

'cause maybe things weren't to your liking

and you're just a little bit spoiled?

What?

I'm Josh Kaminski, I can only bathe in places

with zero black mold!

I can't sleep in a bed if there's pizza in it!

I guess immaturity comes with the apartment.

Well, I guess spoiled goes in your apartment.

It's actually a penthouse.

- Spoiled guy says what? - What?

Boom!

There's the maturity I've grown to love.

Uh-huh, okay, I'll just see ya later. Have a nice bike ride home.

OH, OH, ONE MORE THING-

That's it? Those downstairs people didn't do anything

when they got fired. They just took it.

Well, they're British. They leave with dignity.

Well, I'm American, and I'm leavin'

with half the wine cellar.

You're right, girl. Let's loot this bitch!

The beauty is, he's not even gonna notice this stuff is gone.

Yeah! He'll never miss all his old boxers!

Josh!

Thank God you guys are here.

Gabi and I just got into a huge fight.

Because you stood up for us?

And finally stopped letting that bitch walk all over you?

What are you guys talkin' about?

Yeah, Yolanda, quiet!

What happened, honey?

Well, first I got Gabi this maid service,

and then I purchased some stuff for her apartment, so...

Wait! Back up, back up. You got Gabi a maid service?

Yeah, I can't ask you to do it, you work here.

I do? I mean, like a damn dog I do.

And I still work here like a cute little kitten, right?

Meow.

Of course you do.

- What is all this stuff? - Uh, uh, um... As your employees,

and friends for life, we were anticipating all the ups and downs

of a new relationship, and we decided to restock your necessities.

Basically, what Downtown Flabby is trying to say is,

we're here for you.

Thanks, guys.

We're not getting fired!

I know!

Now, I'm gonna go put all this stuff away.

You go and see if we can get the deposit back

on that U-Haul.

Do I want my ice cubed or crushed?

Cubed or crushed?

? I love my brand-new fridge ?

Don't get too used to that thing, it's goin' back.

It's all goin' back!

Gabi, I hate seeing you so upset.

You think maybe a caramel macchiato with a foam heart and a cookie straw

might cheer you up?

No! Nothing Josh bought for this apartment is gonna cheer me up!

Not even watching Titanic with surround sound...

sound, sound, sound.

You don't get it. Josh rejected all my stuff, which means he rejected me!

Gabi, that is not at all what it means.

You're just taking his side because you

don't wanna give up your heated towel rack.

No, what I'm say... There's a heated towel rack?

It doesn't matter!

What matters is we're obviously not compatible,

and it took being in a relationship to figure that out!

Get real, Gabi, no one's compatible!

Well, then... why do other relationships work?

Because of a little thing called compromise.

Look at us. Right? I could be so mad at you right now

because you're makin' a big deal out of nothin'.

But I'm not mad, because I'm on my third

frozen margarita that our new refrigerator blends automagically.

Oh, who could that be?

Could it be the new maid that Josh got us?

I finish all your laundry.

Oh... thank you, Mrs. Doubtfire.

See? She doesn't even care that I call her that.

I don't wanna talk about this anymore.

I just wanna go to sleep and forget this... Holy crap, this bed!

Right?

Oh, it's so cozy and warm.

Yeah.

It's almost a little too warm.

Mm.

Boop!

How does that feel?

Like the cool, windy breeze of compromise.

Hey, Josh...

Gabi, I was just about to call you.

Yeah, listen, before you say anything,

I just... I really wanna apologize

for all the horrible things that I said to you.

But it was only because I felt like my stuff

wasn't good enough for you, which made me think neither was I,

and it just made me feel insecure.

What? How can you possibly think you're not good enough for me?

Josh, look around! I mean, you're rich and handsome,

and you live in this big, beautiful, clean penthouse!

Gabi, if anyone is insecure in this relationship, it's me.

I mean, look at you! You're beautiful and sexy and so far out of my league.

You don't have to say things just to make me feel better.

I'm serious. Yes, I'm successful, and yes, I'm rich,

and over the years, I found a very cool look for myself.

But underneath it all, I'm just that skinny nerd

who asked a cheerleader to prom and got laughed at.

Aww. I would've gone to prom with you.

Mmm. I bet you would've been a lot less handsy than my cousin.

I'm sorry for calling you immature.

And I'm sorry for calling you spoiled.

No, actually, you know what? I am spoiled.

And I'm glad you called me out on it.

Really?

I'm serious. Thank you for being honest with me.

And I love that you work for everything you have,

and you stick to your principles,

and even resent that I just gave you stuff.

Yeah, I actu... I might've overreacted...

Which is why...

I have them moving everything I purchased out,

and all your old stuff back in.

They're what now?

Gabi, I don't wanna change you.

So they're removing everything.

I like the girl I fell in love with.

- Even the air conditioner? - Gone!

And to prove how much you mean to me,

tonight, we're stayin' at your place.

So... they've already taken everything out?

- As we speak. - You know what?

We're already here. Let's just stay.

So in summary, even though Gabi and you are together.

Nothing around here is changing?

Nothing's changing.

Ooh, I'll drink to that!

Later.

Quick query.

Elliot?

So... when you say everything stays the same,

does that mean I can still say,

Gabi's outfit looks like old lady wallpaper?

Absolutely.

Quick follow-up.

Does this also mean I can say,

her vacant mannequin face haunts my dreams at night?

It's all right, Elliot. You can say whatever you want.

Thank you, Gabi.

You have the IQ of a hammer, except hammers are useful.

You're the water that comes out of the mustard bottle first.

You have the hands of a seasoned rope-maker.

You're a blonde hurricane of cheap perfume and stupid.

Okay! That's enough for today.

You're right.

I need to pace myself!

So... everyone happy?

- Yep. - Yep.

Yep.

No...!

How come everything I love goes away?