All language subtitles for The.Curse.of.the.Jade.Scorpion.2001.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

Look. This is a big claim. The cops
want to nail the guy who stole it too.

The difference is we have to make good
the 30, 000 bucks. They don't.

To them it's another heist.

Or, has the owner stashed it
away someplace,

and is she trying to defraud us
out of a lot of money?

If you have large sums
of cash around the house,

we would insist on certain
alarm and security precautions,

which my supervisor
would have to approve.

What we usually do in a case like this
is handle the installation ourselves.

Sweetheart, can I get you?
John, can I bother you for a minute?

- I haven't had lunch yet.
- What do you want?

Let me have a cherry cheesecake, a prune
Danish and a couple of Hershey bars.

And I should have something sweet. Let
me have some chocolate-covered raisins.

- I found the missing Picasso.
- I don't believe it.

I- It's at Galaxy Opticals.

They cut the thing out of the frame.

They rolled the canvas up,
and it's in one of the telescopes.

- How'd you figure it out?
- It wasn't easy.

I'm supposed to be looking
for a picture of a woman with a guitar.

But it's all little cubes.
It took me two hours to find the nose.

- You should call the cops.
- Yeah, right away.

Would you excuse me?

Rosie, would you get me the fingerprints
on the Leland claim?

- Who won the sixth race at Aqueduct?
- Your horse came in seventh.

Seventh? Never bet on a horse
who has Parkinson's.

Congratulations. I heard
you recovered the stolen Picasso.

- Yeah, congrats on the art burglary.
- It was a breeze.

C.W., I brought you something
till your order gets here.

Thank you.
You want to be my date tonight?

- What's tonight?
- George's birthday.

- We're taking George out.
- All right. I'd love to.

But you have to have me home
and in bed by midnight.

That's exactly what I was planning.

My God, that girl's got
a body that won't quit.

Quit? It won't take
five minutes off for a coffee break.

- Oh, Briggsie, I forgot to tell ya.
- What?

- Hey, where are my- Rosie!
- What?

- Where are my files? Where's my files?
- They're moved.

- What do you mean moved?
- They're all moved.

- Why?
- They're streamlining.

- This is Fitzgerald?
- Who else?

Did you take the files
out of my office?

Would you like to go out and try
coming back in like a human being?

- Did you move my files?
- if you don't like the human idea, come in like an orangutan.

- That would be a step up too.
- Put them back... now- this instant.

You knew we were
rearranging this floor.

Take my files-
Put them back in my office now.

You had plenty of time
to transfer them yourself.

Fitzgerald, if you were a man,
I would slam you in the teeth.

If I was a man,
you'd be hiding under the desk.

- This is what you do - when I give
you an order? - Give me an order? You?

Who do you think I am,
some peroxide little stenographer...

with her brains in her sweater
whose rear end you pinch?

Pinch it?
I couldn't get my arms around it.

I don't take orders from you.
I work directly for Mr. Magruder.

We're in the process
of turning this place around.

I've been working here 20 years.
You're here six months.

I'm not interested in
your ideas about turning-

Get my files. Put 'em back now.

- Or what?
- "Or what?"

This is the question
you ask me? "Or what?"

"Or what?"
Are you saying "or what" to me?

If you don't get off my toe, you're going
to be singing castrati with a glee club.

I... hated you, Fitzgerald, from
the day you set foot into this office.

You'd hate any woman who doesn't have
a double-digit I. Q

I'm a good judge of character.

I hate you, and I hate the chancellor
of Germany...

with the little mustache,
but not in that order.

Be careful when you leave.

Don't let the door hit you on the back
and fracture your pelvis.

So, did you tell her who's boss?

Is she kiddin',
talkin' to me like that?

It's 'cause she thinks she's smarter.

'Cause she graduated from Vassar,
and I went to driving school.

Does she have any idea
how many cases I cracked here?

Never trust a woman who
whistles for her own cabs.

Excuse me. Miss Fitzgerald?

- Is that Miss Fitzgerald's lunch?
- Mm-hmm.

- Sorry we're so late. We're jammed up.
- That's okay.

- Here. Keep that. It's for you.
- Thanks.

This is Fitzgerald's lunch.
She's been waiting a long time for it.

I'll deliver it to her.

You got to come to some terms with this
woman. This thing is only gettin' worse.

What do we need an efficiency expert
here for?

When the old man was here,
this never could have happened.

Thought you were gonna take her out
for a drink, clear the air.

I did. I took her two weeks ago
to Rocky's Bar.

You and Fitzgerald at Rocky's Bar?

- Sorry I'm late.
- No problem. It's just an hour and 15 minutes.

- My meeting ran long.
- I- I understand.

We're revamping the offices, getting rid
of that antiquated filing system.

Yes? I can find anything I need.

I can locate it like that. I got a feel
for where all the stuffis in my office.

We're making a central data file on the
second floor. You'll get used to it.

What's the matter?
You look flushed.

No, I'm just-
I'm just a little warm. That's all.

You have all your
business meetings here?

It's near the office. The coat check
girl's pretty. don't you like it?

No, it's fine. Gives new meaning
to the word "dive, " but it's convenient.

I
- I thought you'd appreciate the thick smoke. You don't have to put on as much makeup.

- What's the lady havin'?
- Tequila.

Betty- Betty Ann-

Um, c-can- s-should I call you-

I can call you Miss Fitzgerald, which is
fine with me. I have no problem with that.

I- I-
Tell me about yourself.

- Myself?
- Your hopes, your dreams, you know.

You married?
I mean, obviously you're not married,

'cause then it would not be Miss
Fitzgerald, so you have a boyfriend?

Is this why you got me here?

I just, um- So-

What is your life like?
I mean, do you have any hobbies?

- I have a meeting in 15 minutes, so-
- I-I-I-I-

Not- I didn't mean to ask
about your marital status.

That's none of my business. Maybe
you're- It's a touchy point with you.

You're possibly divorced or widowed.

Maybe your husband committed suicide.
I could understand that.

Mr. Magruder hired me to streamline
the office, and I'm going to.

But if something is not broken, you know
what I say? I say, why fix it?

There's a reason North Coast has slipped
from the top five insurance companies.

There's an enormous amount
of waste and duplication.

Yeah, not- not in my department.

There's not a single department that couldn't
be run more efficiently or economically.

I'm not even sure North Coast
wouldn't be better off not carrying...

an investigative division and just
farming out each case privately.

Would it be possible to meet at some
point and have a drink and discuss that?

We are having a drink.

Look, I don't think you know
what you're talking about.

I think you came in here
like a steamroller-

You felt threatened by me
from the first day I got on this job.

Not only was I an efficiency expert and a
challenge to your little state within a state,

but I'm not one of those windup dolls
you can tickle at the water cooler.

I'm smarter than you. I'm faster.

I can see right through you.
You're right to feel threatened by me.

I... am threatened by you?

It's fascinating, as a female executive, how
many men I meet with a fragile masculinity.

A fragile masculinity?

You make one more crack about
my religion, and woman or no woman-

- I have to go. - Hey, listen,
honey, - let me level with you here.

Despite all your high falutin talk
about streamlining the office,

what you really need is
a good old-fashioned roll in the hay.

Ha! You wouldn't know
which end is up.

Well, in your case,
it would be hard to tell.

Don't bother seeing me to the door.
Someone might think we're together.

- Why? Do I look like an organ grinder?
- No, just an organ.

- So the drink didn't smooth things out.
- No, not exactly.

You better get used to her,
'cause she's here to stay.

There's something about that broad that
I don't trust. She's got an evil streak.

We got a reservation for 8:00
at the Rainbow Room for George's 50th.

That'll be fun.
We'll split a cab uptown.

C.W. I'm not going to have time to go
home to change, so does this look okay?

Sweetheart, no matter how bad
the economy gets, you will never starve.

Good.

Oh, wait. Come here.
Miss Fitzgerald? Okay, take a card.

You gotta see this, Fitz.

All right, that's a six of hearts.

- That's amazing. How'd you do that?
- It's magic.

- He could do it all afternoon.
- I want you to teach me.

Mr. Magruder, I'll have that report
for you first thing in the morning.

Fine. Are you coming to celebrate
George Bond's birthday with us tonight?

Not really.
I'm up to my neck in work.

Why don't you come?
It'll be fun. George is a great guy.

Most of the personnel
here seems very nice.

The only one that gives me
the dry heaves is Briggs.

C.W.? He's cracked a lot of cases.

Of course, I don't see how.
Such a drone.

Gets his tips from street contacts
like ex-cons and blind beggars.

There's something about him
I don't trust.

- Any examples?
- Many.

He's smarmy with those office wisecracks
and double-meaning jokes.

I mean, who is he, really?

He's this shallow, skirt
- chasing egomaniac who's probably more lucky than good.

Sometimes it's better to be lucky.
I think you're being too rough on him.

It's more that he's just kind of a schnook
who’s more insecure than anything else.

He's got no wife, no family.

Well, he was married.
Short and stormy. Picked a tramp.

- That's a surprise.
- Excuse me, fellas.

Come tonight.
It'll give us a chance to be together,

and I have the perfect excuse at home-
an employee's birthday.

- How much longer is this gonna go on?
- Not longer, Betty Ann.

I'll be free by the end of the year,
and then we can be together openly.

You love me, but you spend
all the important holidays with her.

Life can get so damn complicated
when you think it's simple.

Come tonight.

So we can eye each other and steal
touches and play little games in code?

Yes, that's part of the romance.

Someday we'll be able to look back
and know that at one time in public...

when one of us brought up the subject of
Paris, it meant at that very moment...

that we were dying to make love
with one another.

- You're such an adolescent.
- But cute?

- Look at this.
- Oh! Oh!

Happy birthday, George.

Here's to George Bond,
insurance man, father.

- Amateur magician.
- Please, no card tricks tonight, huh?

- Happy 50th, George.
- Thank you.

Everyone, I'd like to make
a toast to C.W. Briggs.

Thanks to you, the police now have
the stolen Picasso in their possession.

- Attaboy, C.W.
- C.W.!

By the way, where'd you come up with
the idea of looking in the telescope?

What I do is I put myself
in the criminal's position.

I try and anticipate what would he
do next, what his next move would be.

- I think like him.
- That's fantastic.

I would hate to have me after me.

Very good, very good.

What are you thinking, Mr. Magruder?
You look lost in reverie.

Sorry. I was thinking about
a column I read in the paper...

about all these Germans occupying Paris.

- Yeah, it doesn't look good.
- C.W., you ever been to Paris?

I've never been out of the country.

Zero- dash-six, eight-dash-five,

eight, five, seven.

That's right. That's exactly correct.

And now for something I call
the power of the Jade Scorpion.

For this I'll need a few victims-

I mean, volunteers from the audience
and help from a few nice people.

- Oh, yes.
- Go on.

- Sir?
- We got another one. C.W.!

- Go ahead.
- We got another one forya.

There's a sucker born every minute.

- Represent us well, Briggs.
- Many years ago...

an emperor in China received as a gift
this precious pendant-

a Jade Scorpion.

It was said to possess
extraordinary powers-

the power to darken men's minds.

I can't get hypnotized.
I'm not a good subject.

Eyes only on the scorpion, please.

Ears open only
to the sound of my voice.

Please, sir.
Sir, look at the scorpion.

The surrender of the mind-

The surrender
of the mind-

They resist and resist,

but the scorpion likes resistance.

What is your name, sir?

C.W. Briggs.

What do you do, Mr. Briggs?

I'm an insurance investigator...

for North Coast Casualty
and Fidelity of New York.

- What is your name, miss?
- Betty Ann Fitzgerald.

I also work at North Coast.

- So you work together?
- I can't stand her.

Oh, come now.

Don't pay attention to him.

He's a sleazy little megalomaniac
who's frightened of women.

Enough. Sleep.

Silence.

You are now at the
first level of trance,

but the Jade Scorpion wants you
to go to the deepest level.

When I say the word Constantinople,

you will instantly drop into
the deepest hypnotic trance.

All resistance will disappear.

When I say the word Madagascar,

you will go immediately to
the deepest level of hypnotic sleep,

and you will obey all my orders.

Ready now.
Constantinople. Madagascar.

C.W. Briggs and
Miss Betty Ann Fitzgerald,

I now pronounce you man and wife.

When I snap my fingers, you will awaken.
You will not know you were in a trance.

You will be madly in love
with each other.

You're on your honeymoon
on a deserted desert island.

Maestro.

The moon shines down
its magical glow...

on you two honeymooners.

You're deeply, deeply in love.

Are you ready?
One, two, three.

Awaken to your tropical paradise.

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking that...
I'm the luckiest man in the world...

to have you.

I'm the lucky one, C.W.

I was in love with you from
the first moment that I saw you.

Make love to me here under the stars...

- to the sound of the ocean.
- Miss Fitzgerald.

Aren’t you making a mistake?
I'm no longer Miss Fitzgerald.

- I'm Mrs. C.W. Briggs.
- Oh! Betty Ann!

- Make love to me here... now.
- Betty Ann.

Stop. Enough.

Unfortunately, every dream
must turn to reality.

When I snap my fingers, you will awaken
and have no memory at all of this event.

You will return to your regular lives
as they exist...

with whatever destinies await you, and
let us all hope they are pleasant ones.

Are you ready to awaken?
On the snap of my fingers.

One: You're
beginning to come up.

Two: The memory
is fading completely.

Three: The Jade Scorpion
has created the miracle of love.

And four: Awaken.

- How do you feel?
- Still waiting for something to happen.

How do you feel, miss?

- I'm afraid I'm not a very good subject.
- No, me neither.

- I told you this would not work.
- Well, I tried my best.

Come on, George. Back me up.
Briggsie, I'm tellin' ya.

You gazed deeply into her eyes
and told her you loved her.

You're crazy.
I would never do such a thing.

This is a conspiracy
to make me appear crazy.

I hope somebody talks to me
like that someday.

I can't bear Fitzgerald.

Speaking of that, isn't it- Should we
be getting home to, uh, feed your cat?

That would be fun,
but I'm getting a cold,

so I just want to get to bed
with some tea, you know?

If you've got a cold, somebody's
got to rub your chest down with Vicks.

- This is what I'm for.
- Anybody rubs my chest down better bring a ring.

Good for you.

- Good night, baby.
- Good night, Chris.

I knew we'd get a little time
alone tonight if you came along.

I'm glad I came.

Hello?

Constantinople.

You are in a deep trance.

You will fall deeper and deeper
under the sway of my words.

You will obey
my instructions carefully.

You will proceed to
the Kensington estate...

where you will obtain the jewels- all
the jewels- from the Kensington safe.

You will do this
with the utmost secrecy,

using all the information
and techniques at your command.

You'll do it with
great ease and facility.

Then you will return to your apartment,
taking the jewels with you.

You'll hide them in
a safe and secure hiding place,

awaiting further instructions from me.

You will then fall into a deep slumber
from which you will awake refreshed,

and you'll have no memory
of anything that has occurred.

You will wait to hear from me again.

Your life will be simply as
your life is until you hear from me.

Remember. You will obey
my instructions to the letter.

You will remember absolutely nothing
that occurred under trance.

Is that clear to you?

Very clear.

Go. The Jade Scorpion commands it.

Awfully late, Mr. Briggs.

Hot on a case, eh?

The Kensington safe
was broken into last night.

Somebody got on the estate.
Jewels worth millions, all gone.

The cops don't have a clue,
and Magruder is numb.

I don't understand.
I made that place burglar proof myself.

Well, tell that to the perpetrator.

We are on the hook for big money here,
so you better get over there darn fast.

By now those stones could be
on the market in Tangier or- or Cairo.

Everything, everything- My emerald tiara
and my sapphire necklace from India-

That sapphire is the most
perfect in the world.

No fingerprints,
but we got a partial shoe print.

- Man or woman?
- I really can't be sure.

I want to interview everybody
that works here- the whole staff-

the butlers, the gardeners, everybody.

- Something's goin' on.
- This time I think your gut reaction is betraying you.

Nobody in this house is involved.
I'd bet my life.

I want to search the up-
I want to go up- Can I go upstairs?

If you must,
but would you make it fast?

We've had enough excitement
for one day.

Mrs. Kensington, you know
Alfie and I would never-

Lotte, of course not.

What are you doin'
in my mother's closet?

Well, hello.

You're one of those grubby little
private detectives, aren’t you?

A private eye, they're called,
a shamus, a gumshoe.

Oh, I'm- I'm a grubby little
insurance investigator.

The private eyes are romantic.
I- I-I'm just grubby.

So what? You always get your kicks
fondling women's shoes?

Once in a while I'll fondle
the whole woman, you know-

Hmph. You have a fresh mouth.
I'm not sure I like you.

Well, I tend to grow on people. We could meet
later, and I could grow on you, if you like.

You don't seem tough enough
to go after criminals.

Really? Maybe if I slapped you around
a little bit, you'd change your mind.

- I could slap you back.
- It's starting to sound like fun. Should we put some music on?

- Why are you snooping around?
- You're Laura Kensington, right?

Yeah, that's right, and I have a
strawberry mark on my thigh to prove it.

- Would you like to see it?
- Maybe later when I can take the full tour.

Huh. My fiancé
might not appreciate that.

- Yes? Which one?
- Oh, so you follow my life.

Well, I read the tabloids,
if that's what you mean.

So you've seen photos of me
diving into public fountains.

And getting arrested for speeding
and throwing champagne at El Morocco.

And while I'm out living the fast life, you're
hard at work snooping in people's closets.

Can I help it if they
pay me by the clue?

- Did the burglar leave any?
- He didn't leave any because he's still among us.

- Says who?
- Says the little man that lives inside me.

So you're C.W. Briggs.

I hear you’re a very sharp investigator
with an impressive record.

I looked forward to meeting you.

- They say I always get my man.
- Me too.

Right.

I'm glad we could
have this little chat.

- Too bad there's a houseful of people.
- Where shall we go tonight?

Hmm? Chinatown or Harlem?

You prefer jazz or opium?

I prefer the rug
in front of my fireplace.

Oh, directly to your apartment, eh?
You always begin with the dessert?

Well, depends what I'm eating.

This will be a very interesting
experiment for me.

I usually prefer more attractive,
athletic, muscular men.

Maybe I could get in a few
push- ups before you came over.

I-
What about your fiancé?

If you don't invite him, I won't.

- Any leads?
- It's an inside job. No question about it.

- That's not what the cops say.
- They're wrong. It's inside. I can tell.

- Are the Giants playing this afternoon?
- Yeah.

They're playing
the Cardinals in St. Louis.

Call my bookmaker Frankie. I want to get
a bet down. Hundred bucks on the Giants.

- On the Giants to win.
- To win, naturally!

What do you think, to place?

Mr. Magruder? Oh, tilt.

- Anything on the Kensington situation?
- It's an inside job.

- I bet my life on it.
- You bet your life on the Giants, too, and they're in sixth place.

Can we talk without
the warden being here?

Please, Miss Fitzgerald
is a part of this company now.

We must all learn to
work together in harmony.

What makes you so positive
it's an inside job?

It couldn't be that smooth
unless it was inside.

Miss Fitzgerald is suggesting,
given the magnitude of the loss,

that we expand our investigation.

- Meaning what?
- I appreciate the value of intuition to a point.

But we're moving into a decade
of scientific innovation.

Miss Fitzgerald has suggested that
perhaps we might get you a little help...

by farming out part of the work
to an outside private detective agency.

- What?
- To help you- test the waters-

see if a new approach
and fresh techniques make a difference.

Don't feel threatened immediately.

According to you, I'm only threatened
by women with high I. Qs.

Did you hire a female detective?

North Coast has got to get
with the progress of the marketplace.

There's a lot of money at stake here.

The more time passes, the colder
the trail grows. You know that.

So if the Coopersmith Private Detective
Agency makes a contribution, then fine.

If not, we're only out a few bucks.

The Coopersmiths?
Those guys are like Fric and Frac.

- They're sub-mental. - We are
moving into a new decade, the 1940s.

That means things are different.

Do me a favor. Max Baer's
looking for sparring partners.

Why don't you go down to the gym?

You're the only person I've received
this kind of bitter resistance from.

You're a dinosaur with your street ways
and disorganized hunt-and-peck methods.

Please. My father
always stressed harmony.

I gotta go.
I'm working on a case.

Watch out for the traffic.

Don't get hit by a bus,
your body mangled beyond recognition.

I ain't heard a word about any job.

Nobody tried to fence anything
or do any braggin'.

Charlie, you gotta help me with this.
Keep your ears open.

Anything you hear, I gotta know.
It's very important, okay?

Fifty? You must be desperate.

You know where to reach me. Keep eating
the carrots. I think they're workin'.

I think Joe said they're
all gone up there, Mr. Briggs.

I'm just gonna check something out.
I'll be down in five minutes.

You startled me.
I was working late.

Oh, 'cause Eddie said he didn't
think anybody was up here.

Well, I'm here.
Obviously I'm here.

- What Are you so nervous-
- I'm not nervous.

Why would I be nervous? Working up here
alone, I didn't expect to see you.

Don't you work late all the time?
That's what they tell me.

What is this, 20 questions?
You scared me.

I'm working up here alone.
I'm filling out some reports.

What are you gonna do, ask Magruder
to take out all the water coolers?

Why don't you make your wisecracks
somewhere else? I'm busy.

I'm outta here.
You know, I-I- Don't work too late,

'cause the bags under
your eyes are getting bigger.

Have a good evening, and if you find you're
going to have a sudden coronary thrombosis,

you should probably drive
directly to the hospital.

You were right.
We shouldn't fool around at the office.

- He gives me the willies.
- He's a harmless sort.

- Hey. How'd you get in?
- It wasn't very hard.

Really? What'd you do, have
your father buy the building?

A small tip to the super
was all it took.

For you maybe. I give the super
a small tip, he spits on my shoes.

I brought some very expensive
Russian vodka, 120 proof.

Don't drop that, you know.
You're liable to blow up the building.

I got bored waiting. There's nothing to read
but detective magazines and the racing form.

I got a deck of playing cards with naked
women on them. You could've, you know-

Let me guess.
You use it to play solitaire.

I used to date the six of spades.

I love where you live.

It's just what I thought it would be-
a grimy little rat hole.

Oh, thank you.
I'll tell my decorator you said that.

It's the effect we were going for.

You dying to see my,
uh, strawberry mark?

If it's in the same spot it was this
afternoon, I'd like to check it out.

This is truly a novelty for me.

I'm used to pent houses and yachts-

gorgeous European lovers who buy me
presents and sweep me off my feet.

And yet, somehow, I find it strangely
exciting standing here...

in a grungy hovel
with a myopic insurance clerk.

I know there's a compliment in there.
I just don't know where it is.

You gonna take that coat off?

It hasn't rained in
this apartment in 20 years.

Oh, well.

What do you think?

If I happen to pass away
while we're doing anything,

just have the embalmer
leave the smile on my face.

Perfect timing.

I'll slip into something a little more
comfortable, wait for you in bed.

More comfortable than that? What are
you going to put on, Jergens lotion?

- Hello?
- Constantinople.

You are in the power
of the Jade Scorpion.

You will proceed to
the Dill worth mansion.

You will enter and open the safe.

Have you ever heard of an Indian book
called the Kama Sutra?

I'm sorry, Laura, but we're going to
have to postpone our little rendezvous.

- Pardon me?
- I just recalled a previous engagement.

I hope you don't mind.
The doorman will get you a taxi.

- I had a wonderful evening. Thank you very much.
- You are jokin', of course.

I'll turn around and you can get
dressed, and please try and hurry.

- I'm rather pressed for time.
- Have you got a loose screw?

Tonight was very meaningful to me.
Really.

I'll always think of it
in a very cherished way.

If you're in the neighborhood again,
drop in.

What's come over you?

Should you want any peanuts
to snack on on the way home,

I think I have a whole dish
of them in the other room.

You hate women, don't you?

Not at all. Actually,
they're a splendid gender.

Really. A very pleasant variation.

I should have known.
I should have known.

A mousy little clerk like you, just
chasing your entire life after criminals.

- I should have known.
- No, Laura, don't be cross.

Do drop in again in the springtime.
The oleander will be in bloom.

I'm going! I'm getting out!

I'm not used to getting kicked out of a
man's bed, but it could have been worse.

You're very sick, you know?

Thanking you in advance
for understanding, Laura.

God bless you.
You have a splendidly shaped buttocks.

- Mamma mia.
- God bless you, Laura.

I can't believe it.
It's identical.

You think somebody from the Kensington
household came over and pulled this one too?

We did the security here.
We made the place fool proof.

Somebody's a step ahead of ya.

I want to speak to the Dillworths.
I want to question them.

The Coopersmith detectives
have been grilling them all morning.

Geez. You mean-
I can't believe it.

She convinced Magruder
to put the Coopersmiths on.

We need all the help
we can get on this case.

What's happenin', fellas?
You want to talk to me?

Hey, C.W.
We're in on this one now.

Yeah? Well, this is my case,
just so you're clear on that.

Will you listen to him?
Like we horned in.

- Hey, they called us.
- That was their first mistake.

Maybe they think you're slippin'.

- You know my brother Joe?
- The one that died at birth?

I hear you're havin'
a little trouble.

- So you guys get any clues?
- A few.

Yeah? What?
Wanna share them with me?

I'll let you know if they're real clues
or if you found your own laundry list.

We'd like to make this collar. It'd mean
a long-term deal with North Coast.

I hear they're makin'
some changes up there.

Fellas, I'm gonna
make this bust,

then you guys are gonna be back at your
old jobs tracking down lost poodles.

We had to laugh when we heard you thought
the Kensington heist was an inside job.

I can see already we're gonna
be trippin' all over each other.

- One of us is gonna fall down.
- We don't plan on fallin'.

You're in over your heads-
all four of'em.

This is a very smart burglar.

You guys have trouble figuring out
who did it when you get a confession.

I'll tell you what we figure.

We're looking for a tall man,
heavyset, athletic, about 30 years old.

Belly button in or out?

Now, if he's short
at that weight, he's fat-

too fat to squeeze
through the kitchen window.

Wanna show him the big clue?

What's the big clue? The guy
leave behind his birth certificate?

Show him.

No one in this house
was ever to Rocky's Bar.

Hey- I've been to Rocky's Bar.

You got a matchbook. Big deal.
Six million people eat at Rocky's Bar.

We're gonna nail this guy.

The important thing is that you
don't think of us as competition.

Don't worry. I don't.

What are you so upset about?
We'll get the guy.

Can you believe she talked Magruder
into hiring these two jerks?

You've been moping around all day.

It's not like you.
What's goin' on?

- Al, I got a confession to make.
- What?

I woke up this morning. I found
this on the floor in my apartment.

- Yeah, so?
- I have no memory of being with anybody last night.

Come on. How many times has that
happened to everybody?

You pick up a broad. You knock off
a bottle of booze. You're in the sack.

- So you didn't remember.
- There was also an empty bottle of vodka on the floor.

- I don't drink vodka.
- All the more reason you blacked out.

Vodka does funny things to a person.
Believe me.

I've gotten up with some pretty
strange- looking heads under my arm.

I can't figure it out. There's
something wrong. I came back here.

I wanted
to check something in my office.

That I remember clearly.

This was about 9:00.

Hey, wait a minute. I ran into-
Wait a minute.

- What are you thinkin'?
- Of course.

No wonder I thought
it was an inside job.

But not inside with the Dillworths
or the Kensingtons.

- It's inside our company.
- What?

It's so obvious.
Why didn't I see it right away?

Are you kiddin'? Who?
Mize, Bond and me.

We're the only ones who have
access to your security setups.

Yeah, and what if somebody
else was given access?

What if someone
we don't know as well...

because she hasn't worked here
as long as we've been here?

- Fitzgerald?
- Why not?

Why not? My God.
We've had female jewel thieves before.

She's always saying she can
do anything a man can do.

I don't think she meant stealing.

What do we know about her?
Nothing.

You know, she has expensive tastes.
She wears good jewelry.

- I gotta get into her office.
- Don't.

- I must
- If you get caught, she'll kill you.

She'll take a gun and shoot you.
She goes duck hunting.

But it makes all the sense in the world.
She's here late every night.

She has the files-
We've given her the files.

She knows all the security information.
I gotta go through her place.

Don't rifle her desk.
You're gonna get caught.

- Uh-
- What Are you doing?

- Me? No, I was-
- You're going through my desk.

I beg your complete pardon.

You're all red.
You were snooping through my papers.

You know, only a suspicious, paranoid
mind would say something like that.

I doubt very much whether
Amish people...

or Quakers would come
to that conclusion.

You wormy little ferret.

Now you're mixing metaphors,
so you're upset.

- I know why you're snooping through my office.
- I wasn't snooping.

You're looking for the report
by the Coopersmith Agency.

- You hired them to give me a hard time.
- What?

That's right. Now it's too many cooks,
and we're getting all over each other.

These guys have made more progress in
a few hours than you have in two days.

Were you crying? Your mascara-

Don't try to tap-dance your way
out of getting caught searching my desk.

I wasn't searching. I was rummag-
Can a colleague not rummage?

Get out. If I ever catch you
going through my stuff again-

- What are you afraid I'll find?
- You couldn't find your nose if I turned the lights out.

Watch out, 'cause I'm on to you. I know
what you are. I know what you're about.

This is silly.
We should both calm down.

I just had lunch, and you're liable to
overtax your heart and have a massive stroke,

killing you instantly or
paralyzing half your body.

Have a nice day.

- I gotta get into her apartment.
- You're askin' for trouble.

- She hit the ceiling when she caught me before.
- Can you blame her?

'Cause she's guilty.
Look behind her eyes. She's a bad broad.

- She's got pretty eyes.
- I said look behind, behind the eyes.

There's something wrong
- The minute I met this broad, I sensed there was trouble.

She says the same thing about you.

If you two were prize fighters,
we could get a million-dollar gate.

- I gotta get into her place.
- Look, let me tell you something.

Being an investigator
doesn't put you above the law.

She catches you,
she's gonna have you locked up.

Has that ever stopped me before?

- She's going out tonight.
- How do you know?

'Cause I went through her desk.
I know her appointments.

She's meeting her sister tonight
for dinner at a restaurant.

I thought she said her sister
was an invalid in Detroit.

That's what I'm tellin' ya.
Nothing she says ever checks out.

Yeah, well, you know, you can't break
into her apartment. It's unethical.

I'm not gonna break in.
I got the key.

- How did you manage that?
- I stole it from her purse.

She's gonna know something's up
when it's missing, right?

She'll never know. I made a duplicate.
I put the original back.

My God. You know, you've got
a touch of larceny in you.

You would have made
one heck of a thief.

It takes one to catch one.
Don't forget that.

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Yeah, see ya around.

- Can I take your coat, honey?
- I'll get it.

Okay, what did you want
to tell me?

No drink?

We've had enough drinks. How much alcohol
do you need to be completely honest?

- You're not making this very easy.
- Why should I make it easy?

Because we care about each other.

Before it was you loved me.
Now it's that you care for me?

- Just sit down. - I'm not gonna
faint. - I've been dumped before.

I wish you wouldn't
say things like that.

You rushed me out of
that restaurant to talk...

because you were afraid I was
going to make a scene or pass out.

You are a highly volatile woman.

Am I? Most men complain
I'm cool as ice.

- You know I care about you.
- You said that. Get to the point.

- It's not that I don't want - to leave
Caroline- - But in the end, you're not.

I've tried to work up
the courage a hundred times.

All those promises? Those stories
about how miserable you were at home?

- You're making this into a nightmare.
- Isn't it? It is for me.

- Try to understand. - We
can still be friends. - Oh!

- We can even continue to sleep together.
- Are you nuts?

I only got involved in this because you
told me your marriage was on its last legs.

When you say it like that,
it sounds like I've deceived you.

- Haven't you?
- I didn't mean to.

I respect you too much.

Oh, my God. How did we go from love
to you care for me to you respect me?

Next thing you'll be
buying me a prayer shawl.

- Betty Ann-
- Leave me alone, okay? Please.

- Betty-
- Just go- I'll be fine. Leave me alone.

- Honey, listen-
- Leave me alone!

I hope you decide
to stay on at North Coast.

You're really helping
to turn our company around.

I guess we won't be having
that honeymoon in Positano, huh?

I feel like such a jerk!

You shouldn't. It's my fault. I got
into this against my better judgment.

- Honey-
- Just go.

Good- bye, Chris.
Good- bye, New York.

Miss Fitzgerald!
God! What are you doing?

- What are you doing here?
- What do you mean, what am I doing here?

- What are you doing here?
- I happened to be passing through.

- You what?
- I'm- What do you- I was- I'm-

- I'm hiding behind your screen.
- Behind what?

You have this nice Japanese screen.
I was hiding behind it.

How did you get in?
How long have you been here?

I- What time- I've been here
quite a while, actually.

- You broke into my apartment?
- I didn't break in.

- How did you get in?
- You really want to know?

- How did you get in here?
- I made a duplicate of your key.

- You what?
- Which you can have for no extra charge.

It's good to have two keys, 'cause
an emergency happens once in a while.

- Why did you do this to me?
- What? Why?

Because I'm convinced
somebody up at North Coast...

is responsible for the jewel robbery.

- Who, me?
- Well, you're a prime suspect, yes.

- Based on what? - Based on the fact that
I know - everybody else better than you.

- You have access to all the data.
- So? So do you.

But you were so nervous the other night
when I caught you up there.

I came up, and you were
acting so strange.

You have a Rocky's matchbook.
I saw you put it in your-

Remember we had a drink at Rocky's Bar?
It didn't go too well.

So you broke into my apartment illegally
and spied on me?

I wasn't spying. What's wrong with you?
I was rummaging.

- I'm a big rummager.
- You what?

I was rummaging in the afternoon.
I saw "dinner with my sister. "

All those sisters- all those dinners-
Those were with Magruder, right?

Oh, God! I'm mortified!

Stop it. If it wasn't for me being here,
they'd be scraping you up with a spoon.

That's none of your business,
you slimy little weasel.

And over a jerk like Magruder.

He's not a jerk. He's wonderful.
He's twice the man you are, you roach.

Don't you see? He gives you these
stories so he can get into your pants.

- He's not gonna leave his wife.
- You witnessed my humiliation.

The only humiliating thing is how this guy
takes advantage of a smart woman like you.

You're not fit to discuss
Chris Magruder.

Look at this. She still loves the guy.
I can't believe it.

Get out before I call the police and have
you arrested for breaking and entering.

I'm not letting you alone here tonight.
Are you crazy? Look at you.

I'd ask if you had any friends,
but I know the answer.

Give me this. Jesus. What-

What-
Great.

Are you okay?

- Hello?
- Oh.

Jesus.

What the hell Are you doing here?

I'm making coffee.

Oh, God!
It's all coming back to me now.

You came here last night because
you thought I stole some jewels!

This happens to be
a very confusing case.

I'll say you're confused.
Why didn't you go home to sleep?

- Are you kidding? - And let you
do something crazy? - Like what?

Like take a swan dive out the window.

How do you know I wouldn't take
a swan dive with you here?

- Because I watched over you.
- You stayed up all night watching me?

That's exactly right. Yes.

And you snore like a grizzly bear
with a sinus condition.

I had a bad moment last night.
I'm fine now.

- You talk in your sleep. - You probably
took notes, - you suspicious little inchworm.

- Who's Rita? - Rita's the woman
- my ex-husband ran away with.

- Anything else?
- You certainly know how to pick men.

Check your sex.
There's not a lot to pick from.

And you mentioned my name too.
I thought you were awake.

- You said that I should rot in hell.
- I was probably awake.

I figured you were feeling better.

Now, if you'll go, I gotta be at work in 30
minutes, and don't gossip about what you saw.

Nobody's gonna gossip. I couldn't care less
about your life. It means nothing to me.

I couldn't stand you when I met you,
and I can't stand you now.

I find you obnoxious and pompous-
Do me a favor.

When you see me in the office- do me
a favor- walk the other way, okay?

And if Magruder tells you
he's gonna leave his wife,

if I were you,
I would keep my legs crossed.

Don't choke on your breakfast
and die of as phyxiation.

You'll wind up unable to dislodge a large
piece of toast, no matter how hard you cough.

Mr. Magruder, you sent for-

Oh. If you'll all open
your hymn books to page 90-

Sit down, C.W.
We have a situation.

Your brother looks good.
The embalmer did nice work.

I'll let the Coopersmiths
bring you up to date.

After careful search, using some of
the most up-to-minute techniques,

we found some interesting clues.

Yeah? Leading to who,
Eleanor Roosevelt?

We got a shoe print off the
parapet at the Kensington place.

So?

An eight-and-a-half
"C" Florsheim cordovan.

Only worn by 20 million Americans.

I mean, I wear an eight-and-a-half"C"
cordovan Florsheim shoe.

For the money, you cannot
get a better shoe.

We also found a couple of hairs.

One on the rug at the Kensington place, the
other one actually inside the Dillworth safe.

They match.

Forgive me if I'm not knocked out.

Oh, we don't mean just to each other.
They match yours.

Just like the eight-and-a-half
"C"cordovans.

Hey, fellas. I know you guys
are angling for my job-

We also got a fingerprint
off the matchbook.

You got a fingerprint
off a matchbook?

The Coopersmith lab uses
highly sensitive apparatus.

- You're not gonna tell me it's mine?
- It is, C.W.

Well, so what?
So I leave a footprint on the parapet,

or I inadvertently drop a matchbook.

The matchbook was found before
you got over to the place.

You guys don't doubt my honesty,
do you?

Let me tell you, I was
a Boy Scout for three years.

I got a number of merit badges
home, and my clergyman,

who happens right now to be wanted
for pederasty, will vouch for me.

Nobody's making any accusations.

You do have some outstanding debt
from expensive sports betting-

baseball, the ponies.

Are you guys investigating me?

C.W., I assure you, this is only
an inquiry in-house at this time.

We don't want the police to know about it,
and we're not looking for bad publicity.

Miss Fitzgerald, what do you think?
Say something.

You're a bright woman.
You think I did it?

Please, C.W. let's not have our daily
bloodbath between you and Miss Fitzgerald.

- She's not an investigator. - But she's a
very bright woman. - She's got a lot of ideas.

She was the one who brought these
two mouth breathers in on this case.

It's nothin' personal.
We're just building a case.

We all want to catch a jewel thief.
I'm on your side.

Fellas, I think
we gotta get team jackets.

I want a resume of every employee who
works here messengered to my apartment.

Don't worry, C.W.
We'll get to the bottom of this.

Oh, Miss Fitzgerald,
I wanted to meet with you later.

- About what, Mr. Magruder?
- Our Paris account.

As I recall,
that account is closed.

I have to see you later.
Just to talk.

I behaved like such a fool.
Later, f-for a drink. Just for a drink.

Oh. Well.

Can I come in?

Yeah, sure. I-I'm shocked.

I- The place is a little messy.

if I knew you were coming, I would have
had the maid rearrange the dirt.

Are you alone?

Alone? Yeah. Of course.

I would have called, but I decided
it was safer to talk to you in person.

- What do you mean, "safer"?
- I can't stay long.

Why? You gonna meet
Magruder in Paris?

That's none of your business.

Thanks for coming to my defense today in
the office. It was really nice of you.

That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

The Coopersmith brothers had Laura
Kensington in for questioning today.

She told them she was with you
the night before last...

and that you got a phone call in the middle
of the night and began acting strangely...

and got rid of her because you
had to go someplace at midnight?

Well, let me tell you, she's lying.

- Why would she lie?
- Wh- Use your head.

Would I kick Laura Kensington
out of my bed at midnight?

Even if the president needed me.

- Why Are you lying to me? - Why did
you come here - with this crazy story?

Because i should have spoken up
at that meeting today.

Because while I think you're
a mealy-mouthed little...

- Reptile. - reptile- Thank you-
I don't think you're a jewel thief.

- What makes you so positive?
- It's too daring for you.

You're not romantic enough.
It requires flair and imagination.

My instinct's telling me
you're not the one.

- I didn't think you had instincts.
- I have them.

I don't usually trust them, especially
when it comes to sizing up men,

but this time I can feel it.

You're good at weaselly type things,
like snooping and spying.

You're not man enough
to be a cat burglar.

- You sound like you're attracted - to men who
break the law. - We're not here to discuss me.

We're here to talk about what Laura
Kensington told the Coopersmiths.

Laura Kensington wasn't here.

She- You're making-
Laura Kensington was not here.

She said she left her stocking here.

Hey, that could be anybody's.
I don't know-

A lot of women pass
through this apartment.

I'm not saying they're all winners,
but there's a lot of action here.

I'm sure you're not overly particular.

Look. What do you want from me?

I happen to enjoy the proximity of a
well-proportioned member of the opposite sex.

That's how God created us, and why should
I be the one to quibble with His concept?

I came to tell you a case is building
against you. Be honest with me!

- I'm honest. I'm honest.
- Where did you get this stocking?

It's some broad's.

The women that are here, they lose
an earring, a stocking, I don't know.

Laura Kensington says it's hers.
She also says she tipped the super.

He let her in here,
and that story checks out.

- Whoever that is, I'm not here.
- What? Wh-

- Who is it?
- It's Herb and Joe C.oopersmith.

I don't want to be seen here!

Why? What's the problem?
What am I, a leper?

You're under suspicion.
I would have a lot of explaining to do.

You know, I think you're still hooked
on Magruder.

That's why you don't-
Go down the end of the hall.

There's a bedroom.
Shut the door. Go in the bedroom.

Can I sit down in there,
or will I catch something?

Germs can't live in your bloodstream.
It's too cold.

Let's go, C.W. Open up.

Coming!

Hey, fellas.
You sure you got the right apartment?

The traps with the cheese
are in the basement.

- Can we come in?
- Now, wait a minute.

I got a chorus girl in the back room,
and if I don't hurry up-

Wouldn't be Laura Kensington,
would it?

Laura Kensington?
I don't know.

They all look the same upside down.
I can never tell.

She says she was here
the other night,

till you dumped her to go out on
mysterious middle-of-the-night business.

Hey, would I dump Laura Kensington?
I eat Wheaties.

Problem is, Eddie, the night guard from
the North Coast building, says you, uh,

made some strange middle-of-the-night
visits to your office...

both nights the robberies took place.

Fellas, I'd love to chat
with you, but, you know,

there's a nurse in
the other room there, and-

I thought you said
she was a chorus girl.

Who does a little nursing?
Give me a break.

Come on. We can discuss this
tomorrow, can't we?

I don't know how you can still make love
with this on your mind.

You know, you're facing
a long jail sentence.

That's exactly why I gotta
get in all I can now.

Yeah? Well, we're gonna turn this over
to the police tomorrow.

You can see. There's a case developing
that's pretty incriminating.

This is circumstantial evidence.
That's all you got.

Many a man's gone to the gallows
on circumstantial evidence.

Well, fellas, the gallows
are gonna have to wait,

because I got a cocktail waitress
in the other room now, and I-

- Cocktail waitress?
- Yeah, a nurse, you know,

who- who's a little bit
of a chorus girl,

and she works a lounge now and then.

If you catch the jewel thief,
let me know.

- I'll get you both new yo-yos.
- Yeah.

They're-

- What is this?
- I was...

browsing through your bookshelf,

and I found this deck
of naked playing cards and these.

This is- What do you-

This is- This is
the Kensington jewels.

This is the- This is
the Dillworth jewels and the- the-

This is-
What Are you-

What Are you looking
at me like that for?

Because you found them in amongst
my collection of female art studies?

What is the implication here?

I used to go with the six of spades.

Then the four of diamonds
caught us together and there was a-

I was aware that you sneaked up mysteriously
to the office in the middle of the night...

and the lobby guard saw you.

I know you have Laura Kensington's
stocking, and she swears...

you kicked her out of bed to take care of
sudden business, which your super corroborates.

They have a footprint,
a match book with your fingerprint,

and still I believed
that you didn't do it.

But now the actual stolen property
turns up hidden in your bedroom.

So what Are you saying?
This makes you suspicious of me?

I was actually a bit touched that you
stayed up all night watching over me.

I began to think, " Maybe he's not the
scummy little vermin he seems to be. "

I maybe a scummy vermin,
but I'm an honest scummy vermin.

- I didn't take these jewels.
- How can you deny it?

- You've been caught red-handed.
- Yes, I-

What- I'm- I grant you,
there's a fingerprint of me,

and they have a footprint,
and the jewels are in my bedroom.

This I give you.

- I'm starting to think - I'm in tremendous
trouble here. - I'm calling the police.

No. Will you forget about logic
and give me the benefit of the doubt?

- Ha! That makes me an accessory.
- Not if I'm innocent.

You don't have a kosher bone
in your body.

That's exactly why you get your selves
into these problems.

That's why Magruder's
waiting for you, right?

You make all the wrong decisions
'cause you make 'em here, not here.

Decisions made here
are not as reliable as here,

because this is gray cells
and this is blood,

and blood circulates
through the body.

It gets around.
It knows what the score is.

But up here, gray cells
just lay there and think.

You see what I'm saying?

You see what I'm saying?

- Hello?
- Constantinople.

You will take the jewels,
each and every one of them.

Make sure you have them all.

Wrap them tightly in brown paper so it's
impossible for anyone to tell what they are.

Go to Grand Central Station.
Rent a locker. Lock them in.

Go home, taking the key with you,
and put the key in your mailbox.

Make sure to leave the mailbox open.

Then you will go into a deep,
refreshing slumber, and when you awake,

you will remember nothing
of what has transpired.

Is that clear?

Miss Fitzgerald?

Have- Have I ever told you...

that you're one of the most
beautiful women I've ever met?

- I'm turning you in.
- No, I mean it.

That's what made me first fall in love
with you is those beautiful eyes.

I can't believe it. You're actually
trying to sweet-talk me?

I resisted because, well, down deep...

I thought that you might hurt me,

and I didn't want to put myself
in that position again.

C.W., let me set you straight
once and for all.

I wouldn't be interested in you
if you were the last man on Earth.

Not only that, I find it insulting
that you could think...

I would fall for such
a heavy-handed ploy.

What a low opinion
of me you must have.

Thank you for dropping by.

I'm a little busy right now, but tomorrow
night, maybe we could have dinner.

I know a candlelight restaurant.

I could look into your eyes
and tell you how crazy about you I am.

if I didn't know what a squirming
little trapped rat you were,

I'd think you had a brain tumor.

- You're late.
- God, I'm still trembling.

Over last night?
I couldn't sleep a wink.

It's not that, Chris. It's Briggs.

He's guilty, isn't he?
It's a sad story.

Please don't make me
go into all the details,

but I wonder if he's having some kind
of mental breakdown.

He may be realizing
the consequences of his deeds.

- The Coopersmiths are closing in on him.
- Could he have...

a split personality?

A lot of criminals have been known to play
crafty games when it suited their purposes.

I need a drink.

if I tell you something, do you promise
not to go off half-cocked?

Okay, but hurry.
I've got some big news.

- I found the jewels.
- What?

And keep me apprised, will you?
Thank you.

The police are on the way, thank God.

It's an open-and-shut case.

Much as I cringe at the publicity,
I'm elated at the recovery.

It's clear there's
so much more to this, Chris.

Oh, I've seen men driven to extremes
before being around big money.

These guys earn their living exposing...

all kinds of exotic schemes
to defraud and rob people.

Sometimes they start thinking, " Hey, I'm
on the inside. I know why these schemes fail.

I won't make the same mistakes. "

You're saying he's cracked
from so many years of hard work?

He's a driven man.
Had a terrible marital experience.

Turned him off women, except for
the little no-threat secretaries...

and barflies he picks up.

Crushed when he caught
his wife cheating.

He's feeling older
and looks around and says,

" Hey, maybe it's time
I get mine and get out. "

Guy named Peterson
a couple of years ago tried the same.

Of course, he's a houseguest
at Sing Sing these days.

Well, I'm sure you know him
better than I do.

It'll resolve itself.

Um, Betty Ann, I spoke with Caroline.

- You did?
- I told her I wanted my freedom.

- Really?
- Isn't that fabulous?

It's surprising.

I thought you'd be
knocked off your feet.

Well, I mean, it was last night.

- It's sort of like a roller coaster.
- Forget about last night.

I knew I'd made a mistake
the minute I left your apartment.

What did she say?

I think she sensed
we'd been drifting apart.

she was very poised.

Said if I was sure
that's what I wanted, uh-

- Thank you.
- I'll have another one of these, please.

Sure.

You're certainly not as euphoric
as I'd imagined.

Well, you can't expect me to just
change gears and turn on a dime.

- Have you changed your mind?
- Mmm.

- No.
- You haven't met someone else, have you?

No, no, I haven't.

I don't understand, fellas.
What- What's going on? What'd I do?

Yes, those are the ones.
They were in his bookcase.

He bets every day, and, uh,
and he usually loses.

I knew he was into the bookmakers
for a bundle.

Look, I was with him on Tuesday night
till about 12:00.

Then suddenly he got a phone call
and he was like a different man.

if It was anyone else but C.W.,

we wouldn't even be discussing this.

The jewels were in his locker.
It's an airtight case.

Listen, fellas,
I know you guys wanted my job,

but I could get 30 years
up the river for this.

With good behavior,
you'll be out in 20.

I'll get you. No matter where you are.

I'll check every low-I. Q club in town,
and I'll find you. I'll kill you.

- Low I. Q Some genius.
- I'll kill these guys.

- Take it easy.
- I'm not one to give pious lectures,

but if you needed money,
you could have come to me.

I would have listened.
I warned you about your gambling habit.

Can’t you see
what a conspiracy this is?

They plant a footprint
and a fingerprint,

and the night watchman
forges my signature.

It's easy. And this crazy girl
who smokes opium makes up a story.

And Fitzgerald plants
the jewels in my apartment.

There's a word for people who think
everyone is conspiring against them.

- That's right. Perceptive.
- C.W.,

you tried to swallow the key to
the locker at Grand Central Station...

where we found the stolen goods.

- You got any witnesses?
- Yeah, me!

You gonna take your word over mine?

Let's get him over to the courthouse
and book him.

You better get a lawyer, C.W.

I'm shocked.
This is one of my best men.

You know how long I've known this guy?
Tommy, come with me.

Yeah, Mike, I'm right behind ya.
I'm sorry about this, C.W.

I'll make the arrangements.
Stick around.

Well, well, well.

if It isn't
Mr. Fast-Talkin' Investigator...

who got caught with his hand
in the cookie jar.

Did I really throw you out of bed?

Why? You planning on using
the insanity defense?

Listen, honey, I gotta get some help,
and you're gonna help me.

- Am I?
- Yes.

- And what makes you think that?
- This is your kind of thing.

This'll look great on your resume.

A suspected felon, a daring escape from
police headquarters, broad daylight.

You like this kind of thing.

Go over to that top drawer over there.

They took the handcuffs
outta the second drawer from the left.

- There's gotta be a key in there.
- Nervous.

See if there's a key.
Go. Hurry up. Come on.

Don't- Hur-
Gotta make this fast.

Otherwise, I'm gonna be-
They'll put me away.

I'll be showering with all men
for the rest of my life.

Hey, miss, I'm sorry.
No one's allowed in here.

You wanna come with me?

Let's go, miss.
You're not allowed in here.

Come on. Unless you
wanna get locked up too.

- I'm sorry things didn't work out, C.W.
- Come on. Let's go.

- Yeah? You wanna lock me up?
- What's wrong with you?

- Just take your hands off me!
- Something wrong with you?

Caroline and I are working on the
details of the separation agreement now.

I'll be out of the house in two weeks.
The divorce will take longer.

That's why the agreement
has to be securely in place.

Otherwise, it could get killed
if we were found together.

- Where Are you?
- do you think he's really guilty?

- Is that what you're thinking about?
- I can't shake this uneasy feeling.

What? That he's innocent?
He was caught red-handed.

Believe me,
it just doesn't feel right.

I don't see that snoopy little termite
as a romantic jewel thief.

Well, I'd hardly call
breaking the law romantic.

I didn't mean it that way.

What did you mean? The evidence
against him is overwhelming.

I don't know what I mean anymore.

Hello? Yes.

Yes, he is. Hold on.

- It's the Coopersmiths.
- Thank you.

Hello. No.

Really? Oh- Oh, how?

Okay. Yes, I certainly will.

if you had any doubts about his
culpability, this should allay them.

- He escaped.
- He did?

Slipped out of the handcuffs and leaped
across to the building next door.

- C.W. Briggs?
- Like a common burglar.

I'm starting to realize that none of us
really knew him all these years.

I have to go down
to police headquarters.

It looks like your little termite
ate his way out.

- Did you forget-
- Resist the temptation to scream.

- What Are you doing here, - you little
jewel thief? - No, I'm not a thief.

I- I'm suspect.
It's the complete different.

I'm a very promising suspect,
but I didn't do it,

and I gotta have time to prove that.

Other wise, they're gonna lock me up
in a concrete building...

and you'll only be able
to insult me on visiting days.

- Why did you come here?
- Because I have no one else to turn to.

Everybody knows how much you hate me,

so no one will look for me here.

I gotta have a place to sleep.
I'm exhausted.

You can't sleep here.
I couldn't afford the fumigating bills.

if you wanna call the police,
call the police.

I don't care.
You know, I'm sleeping here.

You wanna call 'em, then call 'em.

Get me the 11 th Precinct.

- Hello?
- Miss Fitzgerald?

- Yes?
- Madagascar.

You are in a deep trance,

and you will obey each and every command
the Jade Scorpion gives you.

You will acquire
all the pertinent security data...

for the Adrian Greenwood mansion.

You will proceed there,
and after disabling the security system,

you will remove all the jewels
from the safe,

obtaining each and every one of them.

These jewels you will hide
in your apartment. Is this clear?

Yes.

What's the matter? Can't sleep?

No. I've had the strangest dreams.

That's funny, 'cause I've had some
crazy dreams myself lately.

I dreamed we were finally together.

Really? You and Magruder?
It's a match made in heaven.

By a retarded angel, but in heaven.

You misunderstand me. I dreamed
you and I finally wound up together.

You- That's funny,
'cause I didn't hear any screaming.

From the first minute I met you,

a voice inside me said I finally found
what I've been searching for my whole life.

What's that?
A roach, a vermin, a little inchworm?

A black- Or did I call you
a black widow spider?

I knew that sooner or later, you and I
would wind up in each other's arms.

Hey, have you been gargling
with tequila?

You're a very romantic man.

What did you smoke before I woke up?

Suppose I told you I had the most passionate
crush on you I've ever felt for any man.

I'd fear for my life,
'cause I'd think it was a setup.

They were playing this song the first time
you and I had drinks together at Rocky's Bar.

You remember what they were playing
at Rocky's Bar?

Not that I didn't have
a good time there, but I didn't.

My passion for you is so intense,
it scares me.

Can't you see I've submerged it...

under a mask of hostile acts
and cruel words?

Don't worry about it, 'cause I-I-I
never really took it seriously.

When you said you wanted to crush me
like an insect under your heel,

that was just your way of saying,
"Back off a little. "

Couldn't you see I was
just protecting myself?

- Miss Fitzgerald-
- Call me Betty Ann.

Look, Betty Ann,
I hate to be a killjoy, but, but, uh-

If this is some kind of scheme
to take adv- it's not very subtle.

You're the man I'm gonna marry. I've known
it since the first moment I laid eyes on you.

if you're gonna marry me,
we should call Bellevue.

You need a little
electric shock, honey.

- Would you kiss me?
- Me?

You want me to lay a wet one on you?

I've always imagined if you took me
in your arms and kissed me,

I could finally feel those fireworks
people talk about.

- Is this the way you are - away from
the office? - What Are you thinking?

I'm thinking that it's a pity
we hate each other.

- By now, we could have - had a
large family. - I'm gonna swoon.

Steady, steady.
I affect women this way sometimes.

- I can't stay awake.
- Easy, easy.

- I just need to rest - my head
on your shoulder. - Easy, uh-

I must remember what soap
I used this morning.

- What the hell Are you doing here?
- Good morning, sweetheart.

Don't call me sweetheart.
What's going on?

I stayed awake all last night...

thinking about all those things
that you said,

and all of that rang
a very deep bell with me.

- What?
- There were so many times,

you know, when we were
arguing in the office,

and I had the feeling that down deep,

underneath it all,
you were really crazy about me.

Crazy about you?
What, were you dropped on your head?

No, hey, toots, I gotta tell you,

last night, for a cold fish,
you were hot stuff.

Listen, buster, don't call me "toots. "

I don't like it
any better than "sweetheart. "

I'm not one of those available Annies who
sits on your lap while you give dictation.

What did you do, sneak in here
and slip into my arms?

Hey, what's going on? You tried to
undress me last night and kiss me.

- What Are you talking about? - You came
in here and passed out. - And now the news.

- I'm confused.
- The elusive jewel thief...

responsible for robbing the Kensington
and Dillworth fortunes this week...

has struck again.

C.W. Briggs, a former employee of North Coast
Fidelity and Casualty Company of New York,

is the chief suspect in the robbery
of the latest victim,

Adrian Greenwood of Manhattan.

The details of the crime were
the same as the first two this week.

In addition to over
a million dollars in jewelry,

the thief got away
with a like amount of cash.

Police had recovered the jewels
from the earlier burglaries,

which led to the capture and arrest
of the prime suspect, C.W. Briggs.

So that's why you escaped
from the police.

Not to try to prove your innocence,
but because you had unfinished business.

What kind of business?
I was here with you!

Yeah, well, for some reason, I'm having trouble
remembering all of that, but I was asleep.

Even if you came here to sleep,
you could have awakened,

robbed these people and then come back.

- You just used this as a safe haven!
- I could have,

but I didn't.

You tried to undress me and kiss me.

You are feeding me the wrong lie.

I've never tried
to undress you in my life,

and I wouldn't kiss you if we were
marooned on a desert island for 20 years.

We would never be marooned for 20 years,
'cause after 20 minutes,

I'd make a bow and arrow and kill you.

What Are you thinking? I'm marrying
Chris Magruder, for God's sakes.

- You are?
- Yes.

We've set a spring date,
as soon as his divorce is final.

So if I was undressing you
or trying to kiss you,

I must have multiple personalities.

if you marry Chris Magruder,
you have multiple stupidity.

Uh, yeah, it must have been
the booze last night,

but you were like a changed person,
and a much better one.

I'm gonna take a shower, and if you're not gone
when I get out, I'm calling my local precinct.

For one minute,
you dropped your guard.

You were actually sexy,

even though when the light
hit you a certain way,

you, you tend to resemble Mussolini.

Pretty snazzy for an office worker.

Boy, Magruder must really
love you in an extravagant way.

Probably likes going to Paris with you
more than he does with his wife.

I understand
you and Charlie got something for me.

I don't know about Charlie,
but I came up with a name.

Really? Well, hit me. Lay it on me.

Eddie Polgar.

Eddie Polgar. Who's that?

It don't mean a thing to me,
but it's come up twice.

- Eddie Polgar?
- Yeah, yeah. There's no police record.

Could be an alias.
I don't know. It's all I could get.

Hey, hey, hey. Blue men coming.

Keep moving. Keep moving!

- Charlie.
- C.W., is that you?

- I got a message you wanted me.
- You're hot as a pistol.

"Hot"? The New York City Police want
to give me a lifetime achievement award.

Name Eddie Polgar
mean anything to you?

- Zero.
- Nothin'. I can't get a break, no matter what I do.

- Stick your hand in the cup.
- In the cup?

In the cup. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Thirty- eight cents and a wad of paper.

Oh, and somebody threw their gum away
in your business establishment.

Well, open the wad of paper.

- Why?
- It's a clue.

- What kind of clue?
- From last night's heist.

Coopersmiths found it
on the driveway on the property.

- Charlie, wh-
- The burglar dropped it getting away.

- How'd you get it?
- I got a friend, who's got a friend...

who works in the same building
as the Coopersmith Agency.

- I thought maybe you'd want it.
- Charlie, this is-

These earrings are grand larceny.

I see by the look on your face
I must've helped you.

Cherchezla femme.
You know what that means, Charlie?

- What?
- Find the woman.

- Is there a woman?
- Well, first I thought so.

Then I didn't.
Now I think I got her.

You work next to a person for years,

and then one day
the temptation's too great.

- I don't believe it. Not C.W. -
It doesn't make sense. - Why not?

Jill, I don't think any of us
expected it, but there is proof now.

You heard Fitzgerald saw the jewels
sittin' in his apartment, right?

Yeah, and how he fought the cops
when they got the key to his locker.

- To me it's open-and-shut.
- What?

- You don't run from the police - if
you're innocent. - That's what I'm sayin'.

What about the nerve it took
to strike twice? Come on, guys.

C.W. deserves some credit.
He turned out to be a pretty gutsy guy.

Hello. Where Are you?

Never mind where I am.
I gotta get up to the office.

I- I think there's more people
involved in this thing.

I- I-I-I think that Fitzgerald
is behind it.

Does the name...

Eddie Polgar mean anything to you?

No.

Look, I gotta get up to the office.

I wanna get through
the Coopersmiths' report.

I wanna check it out, and I wanna
check out Fitzgerald's desk again.

There's no question about it.

Fitzgerald is involved in this thing
up to her neck.

You can't let this woman and your
feelings for her color your judgment.

It has nothing to do
with my feelings for her.

It's the only thing
that makes any sense.

I go over to her house because I figured
no one will look for me there...

'cause she hates me so.

I go to sleep. In the middle of the
night, I hear a noise, and I wake up.

I find her. I figure,
"All right, so she can't sleep either. "

But no. That's not what it is.

She had done the Greenwood heist, and
she was coming back, and I caught her.

So naturally she starts
to act very peculiar.

You know, she starts to-
I trap her.

So she starts seducing me
with her feminine wiles.

- Meaning what?
- Meaning all of a sudden I'm handsome...

and I'm gorgeous and she
can't take her hands off-

Does that sound like Fitzgerald to you,

or a schemer trying
to play me for a sucker?

Actually, it sounds like that magic show
demonstration by Voltan Polgar.

That's right.
That was the night of the first robbery.

I don't know, C.W. I think
she has some real feelings for you.

Don't be ridiculous.
She hates me.

Wh- Wh-What is the name you said
of, of the magician...

who now I've completely repressed?

Uh, Voltan.

Voltan the Inscrutable.
The Jade Scorpion.

- What is his name?
- Voltan Polgar.

Eli Voytak Polgar.

I'm... just theorizing...

on an incredible
sequence of events.

You look like my Uncle Jerry right after
the United Parcel truck hit him.

What happened? I know you described
this before, but, but what happened?

Th- They brought me on stage-
brought me onstage.

He put you into a trance-
rather easily, despite your resistance.

Right. Yes. And then-

And then he brought Fitzgerald,
who was with me at the time-

And then you were awakened
in a posthypnotic state...

with a word that would, uh,
put you back under again.

Constantinople. Yeah,
then he started making these-

C.W.? C.W.?

Yes?

You okay?

I'm fine, Alvin.
How's your aging mother?

Obviously, he was never
released from the keyword.

Wake him up, George.
This is scary.

Don't be scared.
This stuff's right up my alley.

All right. Now, when I snap my fingers,
you will awaken.

Uh, you'll have no memory of what
has occurred. Is that clear to you?

- Yes.
- And you'll awaken...

feeling happy and, and, and refreshed.

- Is that clear?
- Yes.

So, the guy gets me onstage.

- Now, then what? - What took
place after that? - Wait a minute.

I have an idea. Constantinople.

My God. What a sense of power.

do you think that you can get him
to recall everything...

- and then set him loose - from
the trance for good? - All right.

Now, when I snap my fingers,
you will awaken.

Your memory will be clear-
crystal clear.

All the events of the past week
will come to you vividly...

and with no distraction.

You'll be completely freed
from your trance,

and the mention
of the word Constantinople...

will have absolutely no meaning to you.

It will not put you back
into your hypnotic state.

One: You're coming out of it.

Two: Your memories of
the past week are coming back.

Three: You're fully awake.

- I took the jewels! - The-
The Kensington jewels. - What?

And the Dill- Yes.
Yes, and of course.

And then he probably tried to get me-
couldn't get me, so he-

The Greenwood thing was her. Wha-

What is Fitzgerald's keyword?

Madagascar.

The Jade Scorpion
wants you to get the jewels.

Wrap them in plain brown paper
and bring them to him.

Mark down the following address
in Chinatown.

Miss Fitzgerald?

Miss Fitzgerald?

Miss Fitzgerald?

Sergeant, his name is Voltan Polgar.

Somebody just gave me
an address on him.

Oh, Miss Fitzgerald.

The Jade Scorpion welcomes you.

- You have my package.
- Yes.

Thank you.

You will now return home.
You will go to sleep.

It will be a wonderful sleep
from which you will awaken cheerfully,

and you will remember nothing
of these events.

In fact, you will have no memory
of any of this ever.

I was just passing through.
I... thought I'd... say hello.

- C.W. Briggs.
- Yeah.

I seem to have underestimated you.

Story of my life.
Everybody underestimates me.

They- You know,
they think I'm a pushover.

It makes my work much easier.

I- I've seen some pretty exotic schemes,
Polgar, but this one was a beauty.

But I figured it out.
That's why I get top dollar.

Don't force me to take
extreme measures, Mr. Briggs.

You'd never pull that trigger.

Really? You think not. Why?

Murder's not your game. I have
just an instinct that tells me that.

You know, you're a jewel thief.

There's a big difference between doing
a little time for stealing jewels...

and, you know, frying
in the electric chair.

Once they pump 200 million volts
of electricity through your body,

you have a tendency to spend
the rest of your days in an ashtray.

For a minute, I thought
I overplayed my hand.

You're the bravest, most brilliant,

most courageous man I've ever met,

and I would go to the end
of the earth with you.

You know, everybody should have somebody
that they feel that way about.

It's- It's- You know, it's such
a shame that you're gonna have to...

actually wake up from this,
this fabulous illusion.

Just-Just once...

before the ugly curtain of reality...

drops on both of us.

Oh, you kiss great.

- What a wrap-up, huh? - Did you see
the look - on Herb Coopersmith's face?

- Serves him right.
- Hey, Al.

Where do you think Miss Fitzgerald
and Mr. Magruder...

are gonna go
for their romantic getaway?

His divorce doesn't come through for
months. I hear his wife couldn't care less.

- I hear they're gettin' married in June.
- No.

I think I heard him
talking about going to Paris.

Paris? Wow!

Mr. Magruder, I'm-
I just came to say I'm leaving.

Ah, C.W. Well, what can I say?
We all make mistakes, huh?

'Course, you've gotta admit, they did
have a pretty strong case against you.

- I don't know.
- I know you could get a job anywhere.

if you decide to go,
you'll have our blessings.

if you stay, you'll have a raise,

and I'll see to it Miss Fitzgerald
keeps out of your way.

Between us boys, once we marry, she's
gonna retire whether she wants to or not.

I'm not having a wife at work
in my own office, for good measure.

Well, think positively. I'll be away
for a couple of weeks myself.

Miss Fitzgerald and I
are going to Paris.

- Oh, yes? The actual city?
- Huh?

- No. Nothing.
- You need a vacation.

Why don't you see if you can get
that Laura Kensington girl to go with?

I wouldn't mind
some of that action myself.

She seems struck by you.

She's a little demented, but, in
a hotel room, that can be a lot of fun.

Just came to say good-bye.

Right. Chris and I
have a plane to catch.

No, by good-bye I mean I'm leaving.
I'm quitting.

Oh?

Should make you very happy.
You can en joy your vacation now.

'Cause when you come back,
you don't have to see me again.

You can revamp everything here.
No static.

Want to have a parting drink?

A drink at 10:00 in the morning?

It's only tequila.

What can you say about a woman who keeps
a bottle of Mexican booze in her desk?

Let's drink to both of our futures.

Yeah?

Today, Mr. Magruder.
Tomorrow, the world.

I will let that pass
because this is good-bye.

Mm. You're really gonna marry him?

I- I- You know.

For a brilliant woman, I gotta say,

you have the worst taste in men.

I didn't take up with you.
How bad could my taste be?

You know, behind-
underneath all those nasty remarks...

is a very vulnerable,
sweet, sexy woman.

But don't ever let it come out,

because, you know, you could
run the risk of being happy,

and I know that would kill ya.

Chris and I plan
on being very happy.

Your instinct told you
he would never leave his wife.

My instincts are good,
but they're not infallible.

So this was one where I was wrong.

Have a- Have a terrific
rest of your life...

and try not to jump
out of any windows.

Make sure the elevator's there
before you get in,

because I heard of a man who plunged
15 stories and wound up a vegetable.

I'll let that pass
'cause this is good-bye.

- That's what she said-
- Hey, Briggsie, I was just tellin' 'em.

You quit, I go with ya.

That's right. C.W., you are
our hero. This was a tough nut to crack.

No, this was all luck.

If George didn't know
magic or hypnosis,

you know,
I never would have known anything.

It's an amazing thing.

You can actually put somebody under and then
force them to do the most outrageous things.

That is absolutely wrong.

A person will not do anything under
hypnosis that they wouldn't do in real life.

- Is that true? - Yeah.
- What Are you saying?

Th- Th-That I'm, at heart, a thief?

Well, we know there's
a little bit of larceny in you.

I mean, you're the one who's always
saying it takes one to catch one.

Oh, well, there's also a little bit
of larceny in Miss Fitzgerald.

I mean, that was kind of a shock.

- There's a lot of surprises in her,
- it turns out. - Hey, come here.

Hey.

You got a little crush
on her, don't ya?

Who? Fitzgerald? What, Are you-

- What Are you talking about?
- Well, come on. I've always known it.

You can't hate somebody that much
without there being...

at least a little bit of attraction
underneath it all.

- Says who?
- It's my instinct. Against all logic.

Come on, Briggsie. You were the one
who taught me to trust it.

I think I'm in love with her, but I-

It's the stupidest thing that's ever
happened to me. It's embarrassing.

Yeah, well, uh, you better take
the bull by the horns.

She's out of here in about
three minutes. Look.

Go!

Miss Fitzgerald,
marry me.

- What?
- I guess C.W.'s had a few.

- Pretty early for that, don't you think?
- I've had a little tequila, but-

Otherwise I wouldn't have
the nerve to say this.

I'm in love with you.
I want you to marry me.

Mr. Briggs, you're embarrassing me.

You don't want to spend the rest of
your life with the wrong person...

- when it's me you really love.
- C.W., you're making her uncomfortable.

Whatever could make you think I could, in my
wildest dreams, think of you that way, you-

Yeah, I know. " Nearsighted little
cockroach, " or something like that.

But can't you see the venom under that?
That's the beauty.

Betty, let's go.
C.W. leave here at once.

I think your idea of moving
on professionally wasn't so crazy.

Hey, look, I'm opening up to you.

I'm putting my heart in your hands.

I've been difficult because
I feared you, just like you feared me.

Because underneath, we know this is
the real thing, and it terrifies us.

Yes, I fear you.
You and Boris Karloff.

Out of the way, C.W.

Your heroics do not entitle you
to be an obnoxious boor.

How can a man confessing love
be an obnoxious boor?

I'm afraid Betty and I have big plans,

and they don't include you.

I- I- You wanna spend the rest of
your life married to the wrong guy?

What makes you think I'd marry you
even if I wasn't gonna marry him?

- Stop talking about me - like I'm
not here. - Because it's me you love.

You are too old for me.
You are too nearsighted for me.

- You're too short for me.
- You're leaving out the best part.

- I'm also losing my hair.
- All right, C.W. Good-bye.

- And I mean for good.
- Wait- Wait a minute.

Betty Ann.
Betty Ann, where Are you going?

- Madagascar?
- Someone call the plane and tell them we might be late.

You go ahead, Chris.

I'm staying here.

What?

I'm staying with C.W.

We have an announcement to make.

Betty Ann, you have
a crazy look in your eye.

I've never felt
so normal in my life.

I can't guarantee that every time
I kiss you there's gonna be fireworks.

I think I fell in love with you
the first second I laid eyes on you.

I want this woman helped!
Get an ambulance!

Uh, Miss Burke. Call my wife's attorney.
Have him halt the separation.

- I see trouble on the horizon.
- Don't worry, Mr. Magruder.

She'll take you back. There'll be a few
new ground rules, but you can adapt.

- Gosh, so much passion - in a
lousy insurance office. - I know.

- No kiddin'.
- You never know.

Hey. Congratulations.

A little, uh,
going- away present forya.

So, should we...

get out of here and find someplace where
we can start making up for lost time?

How about my place?

I think I can live with that.

Um, God bless everyone,

and, uh, God bless Tiny Tim.

- Shall we?
- Good luck, you two.

Hey, so, what's gonna happen
when she, you know,

wakes up and she's back
to her old self?

Guess the first word out of his mouth
every morning has to be " Madagascar. "

My gosh, who'd have thunk it.

Hey, what a break for C.W.
that in all the commotion...

you forgot to deprogram
Miss Fitzgerald, huh?

What are you talking about? I didn't forget
anything. I deprogrammed her last night.

You don't have to worry.
I'll never leave you.

It's something you don't even
have to think about.

Tell me how you feel about me.

You're the most wonderful man in the world
- the handsomest, the most brilliant, the sexiest.

You know, someday I'm gonna
make you feel those things.

Just, just really feel them.

Anything's possible.

I made you feel thay way,
and I didn't even have to say Constantinople