Original subtitles

- Hey ya, can I help you out here? - I'm all set, thank you.

Good, I'd go with the rows. That's a good idea.

Today is Diversity Day,

and someone is going to come in and talk to us about diversity,

something that I've been pushing,

that I've been wanting to push for a long time, and Corporate mandated it,

I never actually talked to corporate about it,

they kind of beat me to the punch,

those bastards!

But I was going to, and I think it's very important that we have this.

I'm very, very excited.

That's the thing, it's very sturdy paper.

And on the back it says: "100% post consumer content".

What? Hello? Uh-huh? Wait, what?

I'm sorry, Mr. Deckard, I think I'm losing you.

Hello? Hello? Yeah, hold on one sec, hold on one second.

- Do you really have to do that right now? - Yes, I do.

I should have done this weeks ago, actually.

Mr. Deckard, I'm sorry about that, What were you...? Can you hold on one second?

Yeah, just one second. Thanks.

Hello? That's it, perfect. So what I was saying... Hello?

- Thanks Dwight. - Retaliation. Tit for tit.

- That is not the expression. - Well, it should be.

This is my biggest sale of the year.

They love me over there, for some reason, I�m not really sure why.

But, you know, I make one call over there, every year, just to renew their account.

And that one call ends up being 25% of my commission, for the whole year.

So, you know, I buy a mini bottle of champagne and celebrate a little.

And this year, I'm pushing recycle paper on them, for one percent more.

I know, I'm... getting cocky, right?

- Solitaire? - Yeah, Freecell.

- 6 on 7. - I know, I saw that.

- So then why didn't you do it? - I'm saving that,

- cause I like it when the cards go... - Who doesn't love that?

- Hey! Oscar, how you doing man? - All right.

A good weekend going there?

- It was fun. - Oh yeah, I bet it was fun.

- Oh, hey! This is Oscar. - Martinez.

- See, I don't even know, first name basis. - We're all set.

Oh hey, well, diversity, everybody! Let's do it.

Oscar works in here.

- Jim, can you wrap it up, please? - Yeah, uh, Mr. Deckard, please.

It's diversity day, Jim.

Wish everyday was diversity day.

You know what, I'm actually gonna have to call you back.

Thank you, sorry about that.

- Thank you. - Getting the cards! Getting the cards!

- Thank you. Thank you very much.

OK, thanks for filling these out, and I promise this will be quick.

At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations.

We believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance.

You know what? This is a color-free zone here.

Stanley, I don't look at you as another race.

See, this is what I'm talking about, we don't have to pretend that we're colorblind.

- Exactly. We're not colorblind. - That's fighting ignorance with... - With intolerance.

No, with more ignorance. Right, exactly. Instead, we need to celebrate our diversity.

Let's celebrate.

"Celebrate good times, come on!" Let's celebrate diversity, right?

Yes, exactly. Now, here's what we're gonna do, I�ve noticed that uh...

You know what, here's what we're gonna do.

Why don't we go around and everybody, everybody,

say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go!

I have two. White and Indian.

Actually, I prefer not to start that way.

Michael, I would love to have your permission to run this session. Can I have your permission?

- Yes. - Thank you very much.

And it would also help me if you were seated.

Thank you. OK.

Now, at the start of the session I had you write down an incident

that you found offensive in the workplace.

- Now what I'm gonna do is choose one, and we're gonna act it out... - A few other ground rules?

Why don't you run it by me, and I'll run it by him?

OK. Can we steer away from gay people?

I'm sorry, it's an orientation, it's not a race.

Plus, a lot of other races are also intolerant of gays, so,

paradox.

Well, we only have an hour.

- Why don't we just refer to mister, uh...? - Mr. Brown.

Oh, all right! OK!

First test! I will not call you that!

Well, it's my name, it's not a test. OK?

So. Looking through your cards, I've noticed that many of you wrote down the same incident,

which is ironic,

because it's the exact incident I was brought in here to respond to.

Now, how many of you are familiar with the Chris Rock routine?

Very good, OK.

- How come Chris Rock can do a routine,

and everybody finds it hilarious, and ground breaking,

and I go into the exact same routine, same comedic timing,

and people file a complaint to corporate?

Is it because I�m white, and Chris is black?

So we're gonna reenact this with a more positive outcome.

I will play the Chris Rock guy!

I would like to see someone else pull this off.

Oh, let's have someone who wasn't involved in the reenactment?

OK, I will play "guy listening".

Great, guy listening.

- OK, anyone else remember? - I remember.

Great. You're the Chris Rock guy and you're the guy listening.

Kevin is a great guy,

he's a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer.

Basically, there are two types of black people.

And black people are actually more racist,

because they hate the other type of black people.

Every time the one type wants to have a good time,

then the other type comes in and makes a real mess.

OK, I�m sorry, I�m sorry, he's ruining, he's butchering it, could you just let me...

Every time, every time black people want to have a good time,

some ignorant-ass ***** I take care of my kids!

... always want credit for something they supposed to do!

Stop it!

What you want, a cookie?

Now this is a simple acronym, H.E.R.O.

At Diversity Today, we believe it's very easy to be a hero.

All you need are Honesty, Empathy, Respect and Open-mindedness.

- Excuse me? I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero. - Oh great, what is a hero to you�?

A hero kills people. People that wish him harm.

OK.

A hero is part human, part supernatural.

A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster,

that must be avenged.

- OK, you're thinking of a superhero. - We all have a hero in our heart.

Now I need you to take these forms.

This kind of expresses the joint experience we had today.

And I want you to look them over and sign them, as a kind of a group pledge.

I don't think I can sign this.

I can't leave until you do.

It says here that I've learned something,

and I knew all this stuff already, so...

You know, I could sign something that says that I taught something.

Or that I helped you teach something. So, Pam... where is she?

- Pam, could we change something on this? - Michael, can I talk to you candidly?

- Sure. - We both know that I�m here because of the comments that you've made.

Here's the thing - this office, I think it's very advanced,

in terms of racial awareness.

And it's probably more advanced than you're used to.

- That's probably throwing you off. - It's not throwing me, I need your signature.

- OK, well I know you told me that, several times. - Yes, but you're not listening to me.

- Yours is the only signature I need. - Oh, OK.

Those are my instructions from the corporate offices.

To put your through this seminar, for the comments that you made.

And the only reason I made copies for everyone was that you wouldn�t be embarrassed.

Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training,

and you don't.

- Don't worry about dating it. - I won't.

- OK, thank you. - Yep.

I regret my actions, I regret offending my co-workers.

I pledge to bring my best spirit of Honesty, Empathy, Respect and Open-mindedness,

Open-mindedness, is that even a word?

Into the workplace. In this way I can truly be a HERO.

Signed, Daffy Duck.

He's gonna lose it when he reads that.

Hi, is Mr. Deckard around?

Oh, well, could you just have him call me after lunch? Thank you.

I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart.

I do believe in that part of the pledge that I just read,

but a pledge, come on, who are we? The girl scouts? No.

Look, the guy, "Mr. Brown", he got us halfway there, he got us talking.

Well no, I got us talking. He got us nothing.

He insulted us and he abandoned us.

You call that diversity training? I don't.

Were there any connections between any of us?

Did anyone look each other in the eye, was there any emotion going on?

No! Where was the heart? I didn't see any heart.

Where was my Oprah moment?

OK, get as much done as you can before lunch, because afterward,

I�m going to have you all in tears.

All right! Everybody pretty? Come on, here we go! It's time. Let's do some good.

Hey, we're not all gonna sit in a circle indian-style, are we?

- Get out! - I'm sorry.

No. This is not a joke, OK?

It was offensive, and lame, so double offensive.

This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here.

OK, let's go. Let's do it! Come on, let's have some fun, everybody.

Here we go. Take a seat, cop a squat, and thank you for coming in.

Diversity... is the cornerstone of progress, as I�ve always said.

But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look at the tape.

Hi, I�m Michael Scott. I�m in charge of Dundler Mifflin paper products

here in Scranton, Pennsylvania.

But I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow,

because today is almost over.

Abraham Lincoln once said that if you're a racist

I will attack you with the North.

And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.

OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim?

- Uhh, is that it? - Yes. I only had an hour to put it together,

- but I�m gonna add onto it later on. - It was kind of hard to hear.

Yes, that probably has something to do with the camera work. Anybody else?

- I have a customer meeting. - Yeah, well if you leave we'll only have 2 left...

Yes, enjoy, absolutely. "Namast�".

OK, well, since I am leading this

let's get down to business, and why don't I just kind of introduce myself, OK?

I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish,

sort of a virtual United Nations.

But what some of you might not know, is that I am also part Native American Indian.

What part Native American?

- 2/15ths - That fraction doesn't make any sense.

Well, you know what, it's kinda hard for me to talk about. The suffering...

So, who else? Let's get this popping, come on. Who's going?

Let's go here, Oscar, right here, you're on!

OK, Michael. Both my parents were born in Mexico,

and they moved to the United States a year before I was born,

so I grew up in the United States and my parents were Mexican.

That is a great story. That's the American Dream right there, right?

Thank you, yeah.

Let me ask you, is there a term besides "mexican", that you prefer?

Something less offensive?

- "Mexican" isn't offensive. - Well, it has certain connotations.

- Like what? - Like... I don't know.

- What connotations, Michael�? - No...

- It must have been something. - No, remember:

- I'm just curious. - Honesty, Empathy, Respect,

Jim?

Hello?

I have something here, I want you to take a card,

Put it on you fore... Don't look at the card!

I want you to take the card, I want you to put it on you forehead and

Take a card, any card!

and I want you to treat other people like the race

that is on their forehead. So everybody has a different race

nobody knows what their race is, so

I want you to really go for it, cause this is real.

You know, this isn't just an exercise. This is real life, and

I *have a dream* that you will really let the sparks fly.

Get 'er done!

Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine.

There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King

tend to be more violent.

I'm not gonna do it, but it's...

Oh, this is a good one!

- Hi, how are you? - Fine, how are you?

- Push it! - Great.

I admire your culture's success in America.

Thank you.

Come on! Olympics of suffering right here! Slavery versus the Holocaust, come on!

- Who am I supposed to be?

Well, that was an invert, we didn't actually plan that.

Lots of cultures eat rice, That doesn't help me.

- Shalom! I'd like to apply for a loan. - That's nice, Dwight.

OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.

OK, I like your food.

Uh, Outback Steakhouse. I'm Australian, mate!

- No... - Pam..."I like your food"?

No! Come on, stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam!

Let's do it, let's get ugly, let's get real.

OK, if I have to do this,

based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with,

you would, maybe, not be a very good driver.

Aw man, am I a woman�?

You'll notice, I didn't have anybody being Arab.

I thought that would be too explosive, uh, no pun intended.

But I just thought, "too soon" for Arabs.

Maybe next year. You know, the ball's in their court.

- What are you watching? - Chappelle's Show.

- Really? - Yeah, I downloaded it on her computer.

- I hope she doesn't mind, she has a lot of extra space. - No way! I think she really likes this stuff.

- She's cute, huh? - Yeah, she's engaged, but...

- Oh, no, the girl on the... sketch - Oh, yeah, she's hot.

- Hey. - Hey.

- You wanna go to the beach? - Sure.

- You wanna get high? - No.

- I think you do, mon. - Stop it.

You need to push it, you know. You need to go a little bit further.

- Kelly, how are you? - I just had the longest meeting...

Welcome to my convenience store! Would you like some cookie-cookie?

I have some very delicious cookie cookie, only 99 cents plus tax!

Try my cookie-cookie!

All right, yes.

That was great! She gets it.

Now she knows what it's like to be a minority.

Mr. Deckard, we didn't lose your sale today, did we? Excellent, OK!

Let me just get your... What's that?

No, we didn't close last time...

I just need your...

Oh. What code were you given?

Oh, OK.

Yeah, no, that's actually another salesman here. Yeah, I can re-do it if you want to do that.

Oh, he gave you discount? No, I don't blame you.

I just hated it when that guy was in here,

Mr. Brown? If that was his real name?

I mean, he had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our thing

I just wanted to do it our way, you know?

On our own.

Man, I should have gotten some food.

- Maybe some spaghetti? - OK, Kevin you can take off that thing, OK?

That would have really, really shown him up, wouldn't it?

If I'd brought in some burritos, or some colored greens, or some Pad Thai, love Pad Thai.

It's *collard* greens.

That doesn't really make sense, cause you don't call them "collard people".

That's offensive.

OK, it's after five, so... Thank you very much.

Buena vista, Oscar! Thank you.

Good job! Oh, my man!

Thank you, Brazil! Nice.

Hey, we can go.

Not a bad day.

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