Original subtitles

Just grab it with your hand and hold tight

so that it doesn't slip out.

I don't think I want to do it.

You have to, or nothing will change.

I just can't.

You can. It's no big deal.

You want me to take matters into my own hands?

You may say so.

What will I say at the confession?

Ever heard of a Greek orgasm?

It is about releasing anger.

- I don't know if I can handle that. - Yes, you can.

Just let your body do the job.

- Have you done this before? - No. It's going to be my first time.

Mine too.

The first time is always painful.

Relax.

Be brave.

You slut...!

- First name? - Michalina.

- Family name? - Wislocka.

- Place of work? - Family Planning Association Clinic.

Profession?

Doctor.

- What kind of doctor? - Women's affairs.

Do you often beat up men so hard?

- Only if they beat up my patients. - So he fell down the stairs?

Enough.

Remember you did it for love.

What exactly do you offer in that clinic, citizen?

Love, officer...

love.

Listen...

Do you have any erotic fantasies?

What do you mean?

Something you'd like to do with me, or another woman?

Another woman?

Do you have a dream you're too ashamed to talk about?

We just did it.

Of course.

See, Boruta? We're never going to know.

THE ART OF LOVING THE STORY OF MICHALINA WISLOCKA

DIRECTED BY

Everyone dreams of a great role they will play in life.

Of a full loving audience.

However, the audience that would give us the sense of security and self-value

can be gained only through the loving people

that walk arm to arm with us.

"Vulva" - no. It sounds like a disease.

"Pussy" - no. You're not a little girl.

- Vagina? - Too anatomical.

- A dumpling. - What?

A dumpling.

You're surprising me. Isn't it masculine?

- That's why you need to have your book published. - Thank you.

Girls in our publishing house are fighting for your typescript.

I've read it several times myself. I couldn't sleep for three nights.

I think I convinced them. The publisher is positive. It may work out.

- How old are you, dear? - 25.

- So you're just getting in the heat. - I don't really drink that much, doctor.

I mean your intimate life. Have you had an orgasm yet?

You will. Take your time.

Since we're supposed to work together, you may call me Miska.

- Tereska. - And this is Boruta.

I'll fight for that book as much as I can, doctor.

It's not going to be easy though. You have adversaries.

Me? Adversaries? First time I hear about it.

The Department of Culture has received 10 reviews of your book

from reputable experts. All are negative.

A recurring objection regards the explicit sexual content,

and the non-academic language, quote end quote.

It is an informative book that deals with sexual issues of couples.

How could it be explicit?

- So you want to promote all this? - No.

I want to make people conscious.

Socialism is about enlightenment, isn't it?

Of course.

But this is lewd filth.

Don't you like sex?

Relax. Everyone does it.

- But why talk about it? - Because they don't do it right.

- I don't think I fully understand you. - I'll explain it to you.

A woman may find pleasure in sex too.

It can be more than just a marital obligation.

Aren't you pushing it too far?

Tell me honestly,

was there a single woman among the reviewers?

- No. - They're afraid.

So far the books on sex have been written by men.

The strength of "The Art of Loving" is . Is author's gender.

- So you're the strength of the book? - Yes. Do you know why?

No.

Because I see the misery of Polish women every day.

Why am I wasting my breath? You know what I do.

Well, yes...

we know a little bit.

You lived in a triangle.

- What does it matter? - What about the author's ethics?

Are you a priest?

We're talking about the sexual life of 30 million Poles.

It's an important part of man's life, including the socialist one.

- But talking about these issues... - About sex.

Yes, thank you! ...causes families to fall apart.

No, you don't get it. It cements the families.

I don't remember anyone ever bringing up the issue

of the nation's deficiency in this respect on any administrative level!

You have no idea how many surgeries I've performed after illegal abortions!

- It's a skeleton in the closet! - Okay, we'll inform

the publishing house management about our decision. Goodbye.

Where are you from?

- What do you mean? - Where are you from?

I don't get it?

- I'm from Warsaw. - You're from a vagina.

And you weren't found in a cabbage patch either.

Did you see it?

I got sweat all over.

She's totally fucked up.

- I want no war with the Church. - Don't you like sex?

Precisely. Freeze it.

- In a triangle? - I'll tell you one day.

- Have I said something wrong again? - Not at all.

Doctor?

Doctor!

- We made it, doctor. - Did they approve?

No. It's me. Remember me? I was your patient.

I had problems with my husband. You recommended playing dress-up.

- I remember. How is it? - It's absolutely wonderful.

You're the best. It's so pleasurable now.

My man plays on me as if on an African drum.

- Very well. - I can't thank you enough.

- No problem, dear. Good luck. - Thank you.

It gets boring after a couple of years of marriage, doesn't it?

LODZ, 1939

That's him.

- Quite handsome. - He's a genius.

A biologist.

- Too old for you. - Not at all.

We'll be like Pierre and Marie Curie.

You know how much he's liked by the girls.

Morons.

They know nothing about biology.

- It's so overgrown with duckweed. - Mind yours doesn't get so.

Wanda!

He's kind of still.

I'm gonna die! He's drowned!

Is it polite to be peeping like that?

This is Staszek. My face is a bit higher.

- I'm Stach. Hi. - Michalina.

- I am Wanda. - She's my friend.

Don't say a word.

What's going on here?

What's going on with you, boys?

Don't scare my wife!

It's okay. Soldiers need a break too.

Take your pants off and hop in the water. No one's going to see you here.

- Don't tell anyone. - I won't.

WARSAW, 1941

Wait.

Wait, Stan!

Miska!

Damn it!

- You could at least pretend to like it. - We were not to lie to each other.

- You don't love me. - I do, but it never stops hurting.

But you know how much I need it.

You could at least...

if you had been more gentle the first time, it might not hurt so much now.

Tell me...

...are you a soul with a body, or a body with a soul?

What do you think?

Of course I am a body that has...

a mind.

But I am a soul, and I have no need for a body.

The soul'll always manage without the body.

- After death. - We must be going.

- Really? - Do you want to eat?

Feeding lice is like the Russian roulette.

The chance of getting infected is like one to six.

Interesting.

Next one, please.

- It's really hot. - Yes.

You've got to watch the time,

because the lab lice never know when to stop feeding.

They keep feeding until they burst.

Yours still look miserable. They are just starting.

I'm trying to imagine I'm somewhere else.

Excuse me, then.

- What? Are you okay? - No. I feel like I'm drunk.

I feel weird too. It's getting to us.

Two women are living with one academic whom they adore.

- Is he a biologist too? - Something like that.

He has a spiritual connection with one of them,

- and sleeps with the other one. - Is that what you want?

I've missed her so much.

You're seeing her tomorrow.

I don't remember the last time I saw her.

What do you need Wanda for? You have me.

We're like sisters, remember?

Do you want me to be your learned maharajah?

Stas!

Stas! Let me read!

Get out!

- What's that? - Move!

- I'm German! This is my wife! - Out!

Get out!

- Everyone must be gone by tonight. - Yes, sir.

What did he say?

They'll take everyone away by tonight.

- Come with me! - Shut up, you whore!

Let me go alone!

I haven't called for a whore.

There are two people here by pure accident.

He's German, and she is his wife.

They shouldn't be here.

She's pretty.

You may see more of the pretty stuff.

It's nice you want to save your friends.

I'll leave you my friend as a guarantee. You can kill him if I run away.

- Yes. - Schiller. Do you like Schiller?

- Yes. - My favorite poet.

Unfortunately, you're barking up the wrong tree.

Whore!

I'm not one of them.

- Get out! - Wrong address.

I knew that faggot wouldn't like her.

Come here.

Get up! Quick! Out!

Hurry!

Out!

- Get out! Move! Out! - I can do it myself.

- Everybody! Get out! - Relax, please!

Get in! Hurry!

Wait!

Wait, please!

- This is for you. - Me, and my wife.

- Here. - Wait.

- You may leave. - Thank you.

- Good morning, doctor. - Good morning.

- I need to see Doctor Wislocka. - Gosh! I only have one pair of hands.

- Take a seat and wait. - Okay. Thank you.

- Doctor. - What? Not now.

Give me a moment.

When can you see us, doctor?

Relax, ladies. I'll see you all.

Relax.

Just a moment.

I know him. He was here with his wife last week.

She's still a virgin after 2 years of marriage. A terrible mismatch.

- Hello. - Hi.

Show me that wonder inside.

- What? - Don't be shy. I'm a doctor.

- Pull your pants down. - Relax.

You're pretty handsome. Size doesn't matter.

What matters is imagination, and the proper technique.

- Do you know the epaulet position? - Feet here.

My colleague will explain everything. Have a chat. Man to man.

You need to understand your vagina is not a source of pain and shame.

It's the source of power, joy, and pleasure.

- All I want is to get pregnant. - During the orgasm, the uterus

contracts and relaxes, and that's when fertilization is the easiest.

So I'll get pregnant, if I enjoy myself?

From what I can see...

...your clitoris is pretty recessed from the vaginal ostium.

- What? - Your clitoris. Get up.

The fold of skin with a button right below the pubic symphysis.

You've got a little rose there.

Imagine a bald guy in a kayak.

- Do you masturbate, honey? - I thought that it's unhealthy.

What can be unhealthy about self-love. Lie down over there.

On the side.

Pull your knees up. Grab them with your hands.

Contract the vaginal muscles now.

Contract, and relax. Contract, and relax rhythmically.

Exhale. Exhale.

Inhale, exhale.

- Inhale... - I can't feel anything, doctor.

- Do you like the Red Guitars? - I prefer jazz.

Great.

Very well.

This is what love is all about- improvising.

Lay down! On your back.

We'll do this in a different way.

Comfortable? Relax, I'll put you in the mood.

Touch yourself down there.

Gently.

Listen to the music.

Hear the sax?

Imagine the sax is your fingers.

Let's improvise.

Michalina! It's about time you visited me.

Visit yourself.

I'm not going to give up hope. One day you'll be mine.

- We'll see. - Fine.

- Is that enough for those tangos? - Yes.

Hi, boys!

- Hi! - Geez!

You scared me!

Hello, honey. Aren't you at the Institute?

I've got a lot of reading. It'd do you good too.

I've just gotten back from the university.

Exactly! Knowledge is not everything.

You need to learn to use it. Studies won't help you in that.

Come here.

God, Miska!

- We aren't eating butter this week. - You're amazing!

- I got you some fertilizer. - Is it fresh?

Very much so. One hour old.

Come here, Wanda.

What is it?

Which one is bigger?

Obviously, the one on the left.

Precisely.

How certain are you?

The urine of a pregnant woman contains estrogens.

A plant watered with it will grow faster. That's why we have 2 for comparison.

- Are you sure? - Absolutely.

We're going over it in our classes now.

Jesus...

Miska!

Look what Weigl has published about typhoid.

What are you conspiring about?

See?

Our lice feeding made sense.

- It's outdated. - How come?

- This research is two years old. - What are you saying?

- Where are you going? - To the hairdresser's.

- Both of you? - Yes.

- See what's on her head? - What's inside is what matters.

- But you do want Wanda to look good. - Okay, okay.

Jealous one. You too?

Was there no butter?!

What's that stench?

Godparents please approach.

Krzysztof, ego te baptismo.

In nomine Patris...

Quiet.

Krystyna, ego te baptismo.

In nomine Patris...

it's a girl.

Amen.

Move closer to Jas, Mom.

Stay still.

Attention!

We'll have a souvenir.

Let's eat.

The son is not only bigger, but also better-behaved.

I don't know how Michalina is going to cope with twins.

I guess you'll need to break up your studies.

- Dad! Dad! - Stop drinking, Jas!

I told you not to drink, so you won't.

Miska must complete 2 years, and then she'll work with me in a lab.

Wanda is staying with us, so she will help.

You'll save on a baby-sitter.

Stay out of this. Miska will manage.

Right, Stach?

I don't mean to impose, but I'm a bit worried about you.

About what exactly?

Wanda is pretty.

Aren't you afraid...

Whatever he does, I know he loves only me, Mom.

Women are dumb.

They are so dumb.

- I can't slide it in now. - You can't really?

You're good actresses, aren't you? I was sweating all through the service.

Not to mention the dinner.

Thank God we all have light eyes, so we could hide it.

If Wanda were a Negro...

- I am a Negro in this house anyway. - A pretty cute one though.

Give me that.

That baptism was kind of like our wedding, wasn't it?

Don't blaspheme, please.

We must take an oath...

...that no one will ever know about it.

Not even the children.

Swear.

I swear.

- Hello. - Hi, Bozenka dear.

Hi.

- Come in. - Beautiful.

You can see right away that this book was written for the patients.

Everyone deserves the endorphins, and they should know what it's about.

- What is it about? - About not getting spider webs down there.

- This one is good. - No, it's not.

- I need to make corrections. - Leave it! it's very good.

Amazing! Pregnancy sex deserves a nice form.

Not like this. This way up.

I have the feeling you don't like it.

You say it. I can't spit it out.

- They've withheld the printing. - Who?

The Culture Department of the Central Committee.

- No, thanks, or I'll get a heart attack. - I can use one.

Can I borrow this?

We're trying to get pregnant through the orgasm.

- But my husband can't find that... - Clitoris. Is he looking for it?

- Not really. - Did you tell him where it is?

- No. - It's hard to talk about it, right?

What do you think this is?

A flower.

And now it's a guidebook to your vagina.

It's a gift for your husband. Can you see the red spot?

- What do we know? - She was found bleeding.

Did you have an abortion?

- It's a miscarriage. - Abortion no doubt.

- To the operating room, quickly! - Get a drip!

A drip!

You'll be okay. Relax, dear.

Tea?

A whole bucket.

- I smell like blood. - How much did she lose?

About two liters. She was brought in at the very last moment.

The question is how many of them never make it on time.

- I'll do it. - No, you've toiled enough

- around that young'un. - Don't say that.

18 years old like my eldest kid.

It's not her fault.

Whose then?

- I'm sorry. - Don't be. Don't.

I didn't know.

I did it only once.

I'm sorry.

Fuck!

The Culture Department?

- Second floor. - Thank you.

Come quick, girls.

- Do you work here? - Doctor?

- I need to see Siwicki. - He's not seeing anyone now.

- It's just about a health pamphlet. - At the ministry of culture?

Everyone here knows what you're about. They keep your book in a safe.

Why don't they lock their dicks up in that safe.

Krzysztof, remember, tonight at six?

I'll be there.

- Goodbye. - How's your wife?

I'm glad to hear that.

Follow me.

The door at the end of the hall.

You never saw me here, right?

- Jesus! - Did you use protection, my child?

Hold on! Come here.

- Here. Get yourself more. - Thank you.

What are you doing here?

Good afternoon.

Relax. I know how to keep a secret.

- I specialize in bodily pleasures. - What are you doing here?

How can it hurt you to publish my book?

Mrs. Wislocka,

the Party can't take part in offending morality.

Sex is a natural need, just like sleeping, or eating, or drinking.

- Try to explain that to a priest. - Some kind of advice.

I'm not your advisor.

Let me pass.

You could give me advice. We're stuck in a storeroom together.

- What a mouthy broad! - When a man is mouthy,

- they call him intelligent. - I say that if an old broad lives alone

and has never been in a normal relationship,

then she can't know much about the art of loving.

The antral follicle, the preovulatory follicle, the liberated ovum -

this is all as regards the overview of the physiological symptoms

of the menstruation cycle.

Now to the contraceptive methods

available on our domestic market.

There are new interesting research findings about the so called...

contraceptive powder.

Well, doctoral student Wislocka seems to be pretty amused.

If you sprinkled the bearings of your car with that powder, would it roll?

The piston would get stuck, and the engine would blow. Aren't condoms better?

Wislocka would make an outstanding car mechanic.

This class is for undergraduates, not for post-grads. Good day.

- I said good day. Thank you. - Okay, I'm going.

She distracted me.

- Good afternoon. - Professor!

- Will you please take a look? - Now?

I'll walk with you. Amazing, isn't it?

Cytohormonal research.

On identifying the phase of the menstruation cycle,

fertility, and the menopause diagnosis.

- The institute won't finance that. - But it's important.

If it was about stomach cancer, or a heart disease...

- heart attacks, you understand? - No, I don't.

Everyone has a heart.

But only half of society has a pussy, right?

Professor!

We must confirm that research in a solid way.

- I'll get you someone to help. - Two people can't use one microscope.

- I'll complete the research myself. - Commuting from Warsaw?

My children are there. I work harder and more effectively than your assistant.

- What are you doing? It's a new car! - I'm sorry.

Assistants are stationary.

- And you come and go like a tornado. - But...

you need a woman researcher.

This research is for women, and I know why I'm doing it.

Do you like wasting your time?

You could've spent it with your children, and your husband.

It's because I'm a girl, right?

I'm home!

Mommy!

You were supposed to be back yesterday.

- Look, I made it myself. - Is it for me?

Krzys got postcards yesterday, but aunt Wanda bought me nothing.

Just take turns. Don't tell aunt you got it before dinner.

- You slept in the lab again? - I told you not to favor Krzys.

Don't teach me how to raise children, please. Where are my tangoes?

I'm exhausted.

Are you leaving?

Where are my tangos, Miska?

Wanda?

I'm asking where you put my tangos!

Can you tell me what this is about?

Wanda?

- Come, mom. - I need to talk to auntie.

Read to them. They've been waiting for you all day.

- I'm running important research now. - Can you hear yourself?

We are a family, Wanda.

You are a family. That's the point. I'm a mere addition.

- It's always been like this. - Did you know about it?

And you're just gonna let her?

- Your husband has proposed to me. - Why are you dragging this out?

You turned me down anyway.

- You think it's a normal thing. - Nothing's normal in this house.

Exactly.

So you proposed to her? Bravo.

Bravo... I've been doing it all for you.

For yourself. You brought Wanda here because you couldn't live without her.

You were to sleep with her

- and to love only me. - Thanks a lot.

I wanted...

to straighten things out. Somehow...

What about the kids?

You have yours, I have mine.

You want to separate them?

They're are so young. They won't understand it.

- Krzys thinks I'm his mother! - But you're not.

- It'll be easier for you with one kid. - We must tell them the truth then.

- Stach? - What?

- Say something. - The truth is in the papers.

It can't be done this way.

What way? How?

Can we go on living like this?

I have a right to be loved too.

To have someone who'd love only me.

Besides, the war is long over now. New times, new life.

Are you happy now?

You came up with this triangle thing.

I didn't want to lose any of you.

You only think about yourself. You've wasted her life!

With you I always felt like a schoolgirl!

I wanted the best for you.

By proposing to her? That wasn't part of the deal!

You think that living with two women is a fucking paradise?!

I can't stand your blabbering, all that petty bullshit,

and the kids always shouting!

Those menstruations of yours at the same time! I do scientific work!

Two's too much, right? But 36 is okay?!

- 36! - What do you mean?

I know what you keep in there.

- Knock it off. - I'll show you.

- In our own bed... - Miska...

- When did you manage to fuck them all?! - Please...

They don't matter.

We had a deal.

You're never home. And when you are, you don't even let me touch you.

- Didn't you have Wanda for that? - Give them back. Please.

And if I had been more willing, would I be on these photos?

- It's not my fault you don't like doing it. - Tell me.

I'm sorry.

You know I need it.

Wanda...

See how you're confusing me?

- Get the fuck out! Leave! - Stop it.

- You can't live alone. - Out!

- Where to? - To her. Or maybe to her.

Give me those pictures.

If you don't leave, I'll go to the university tomorrow,

and show these photos to your friends. They'll have a lot of fun.

Such beautiful photos of their wives! I swear I'll do it.

Is that what you really want?

I won't come back.

Krzys!

Get up, Krysia! Go on!

Come on, Krzys! Hurry!

Come here.

Dad has something important to tell you.

Remember what I say.

Mommy is throwing Dad out of the house.

Forever. Do you understand?

From now on you have no father.

Thank your mom for that.

Don't ever try to get in touch with me.

- Is he mad at me? - No, he's mad at me.

I'm a good researcher.

Don't think about the research now.

- We will manage somehow. - I know.

Someone will take over.

Imagine I wanted to be like Sklodowska.

Mom?

Why am I going with aunt Wanda? Why's Krysia staying?

It's not for long. Aunt Wanda will be very lonely out there.

- You have to take good care of her. - I'll miss you, Mom.

I'll miss you too.

- I love you, honey. - I love you too.

Why's Krzys going away? It's not summer holidays yet.

Let's get on the train to Lodz.

Wanda! We're doing a bad thing.

You're the smart one. Any better ideas?

- Don't make a scene. - Take good care of him.

He is my son!

The point is we've messed things up.

Get on the train!

Departing!

I love you.

Let's go.

He will be heartbroken.

Male infertility is a frequent case.

God...

So orgasms are not going to help?

We'll figure something out.

What?

Listen,

I have invited you to my place, so that we could talk in peace.

Tell me...

is your husband faithful?

- How did you figure it out? - I know women.

Especially those painfully tolerant.

You love him, I understand. But a man will always manage,

and you need to think about yourself.

- I want a child so bad. - I know.

- I'm always alone. - I know. Listen to me now.

I am prescribing you

a special unaccompanied vacation in a sanatorium.

Dance parties, long walks,

beautiful summer evenings,

handsome men in kayaks...

And beautiful memories will come as a bonus.

I am confused, doctor.

What are you confused about? It's a foldable gynecological chair.

- Foldable? - I'll show you.

The woman sits down. She lifts her legs, spreads them,

and shows me what she's got there. That's how I examine women

and check if they're pregnant.

- Get it? - No.

- Let's try it. - No! I get it.

You're not going to get away. Go ahead.

Legs up. You need a footrest to make the woman comfortable.

Legs up! Do you know what my patients call it?

- No. - An airplane.

- Wislocka. - Come right away. The Security Service

- are confiscating books. - On my way!

Stay put! There's a fire in the house!

- You have no right! - What the fuck?! Who are you?

I'm the author of this book.

Calm down, or you won't write anything again.

Relax, gentlemen. I'll take care of the doctor.

- Who are they? - Department of Culture.

- I have no other copy! - Quiet.

Where are you pulling me to? I'll break my legs!

- Surprise! - Are you nuts?

They will lock you up for that.

It's my private one. Unregistered.

Bad girl.

What now?

When in fear, God is dear.

Your Eminency.

This is what you call a cardinal.

How shall I address you then?

My name is Jozef.

You may call me 'father'.

I know it's crazy to ask you for support,

but I want to help common people

not to cheat on each other, to have some fun in life.

We also care about the common man. Especially nowadays.

Love your neighbor as yourself.

Do you believe in God?

They say God is love.

I believe in love.

This book is about love. That's why I fight so hard for it.

I wish I could help you. Truly.

But I can't engage in a conflict with the Party.

I think you understand the situation of the Church in Poland.

They told me exactly the same thing in the Central Committee.

They said they wanted no war with the Church.

That's what we call 'going from pillar to post.'

Yes.

There is still a third pillar of authority in this country.

- The Church is the first one. - You said that.

The Party is the second. And the third one?

The press is not ready for it yet.

Excuse me. You think we're in New York, doctor?

They'd fire me, if I did that.

Who's going to read it?

Millions of women in this country are waiting for something like this.

It's clear, comprehensible, brave.

Unfortunately, we already have an expert in these matters.

Your tea.

Thank you very much.

- A man? - Yes.

- A gentleman. Mr. Professor. - We could take turns in writing.

It's a great idea.

We could have a layer cake.

- Do you need this tablecloth? - I don't understand.

I have a very good tailor.

You perfectly fit in the sexual revolution of the youth.

- Oh, no, I fit in nothing. - Why?

Because I am the sexual revolution. And I'm coming.

You'll meet a general tonight. Are you glad?

Here's my lost and found. The new head of the publishing house.

- That simpleton? - He can do a lot.

Hurry up. God knows how long he'll stay in charge.

I'll bear it in mind.

Madame Michalina.

- You're fascinating. - And you can't dance.

I meant your writing.

It means so much to people.

Are you aware how much your work means to us men?

I'm not bothered by such side effect.

I believe your work saved

plenty of men from complete disgrace.

Champagne! To our doctor!

Here we go!

Did you know champagne and the vagina have the same pH value?

So does beer.

Everyone welcome the general and his wife!

Welcome on this important night.

I'm glad to have you here.

And here's my surprise for you!

Straight from the tour in GDR...

Kamila Ptak!

Give her a hand! This is my surprise for you!

Thank you. I told you I had a good seamstress.

I wonder where she gets that toilet paper.

They are doing great in the show business.

So it seems.

Why do you always wear those scarfs on your head?

It's a secret, but I'll tell you.

Really?

- Mrs. Wislocka? - That's right.

I've read your book.

You've read a book that doesn't exist?

The whole Party is reading it. Under the table, of course.

You don't write about everything.

You can't cover everything.

Publish this one, and I'll write a supplement.

My husband is a sadist.

I think we need to have a little chat.

- Let's sit somewhere. - Come on, my dear.

I thought I was the blunt one.

An officer's wife has to be straightforward.

What is it?

Cigarettes.

Doesn't look good. Do you accept such behavior?

Some of it - yes.

But he gets turned on, when I say no. I'm getting scared of him.

- Don't say 'no' then. - Say 'penguin'.

Do you find this amusing?

Not at all, dear. I want to help.

You need to invent a code word that'd mean you're no longer enjoying it.

I'll tell you more.

In an SM relationship, it is the submissive partner that dominates.

Because it is them who set the limit.

It's up to you how much pleasure the general gets.

Now I understand why they are holding that book up.

Doctor. Pardon my imposition, but you need to meet someone.

- The head of the publishing house. - At last!

He's in with the Central Committee.

- Will you publish my book? - On one condition.

- You have to dance with me. - Oh, no...

I am a love connoisseur too.

- Doctor Wislocka? - Yes.

- Who are you? - A welcome committee.

- The carriage awaits. - I won't ride in that.

Doctor! It doesn't matter how, it matters with whom.

Doctor!

No need to walk! I'll take you on my lap!

Is that an offer?

But you are too ugly!

I thought doctors were interested in what's on the inside!

Do you have a uterus?

Is that what you're looking for in a man?

I'm here on business, sir!

That's a shame!

Summer's so beautiful this year!

Thank you.

Roman Zajac, the manager. Welcome to our facility.

Your office is waiting for you.

I hope you won't have much work, so you can rest a bit.

- Be my guest. - Out of my way!

No running, kid! I'm sorry.

- Excuse me, boss! - Give me a moment!

Jurek will show you the room, and the surgery. Here, Jurek.

Duty calls. Excuse me.

And two... and three...

Jumping jacks!

Doctor! I've heard you specialize in women's problems.

- Does everybody know? - I have a question.

- It's a very good attitude. - May I?

- Do you have sex? - What?

- Do you have a boyfriend? - How do you know?

You don't want to talk about ticks, do you?

The point is...

- he wants to... - Do you?

- I'm scared. - Of sex?

No... Of getting pregnant.

Have you heard of contraception?

- Yes. I heard of rubbers. - Good. Come.

A number of conditions must be fulfilled, before we, women, can open up.

The first time is crucial. He must be gentle,

and you must be wet.

Don't laugh now, to be sorry later. First, you must find a beautiful spot.

Second, he must listen to you.

When you're ready, that is, willing and wet,

you must spread your legs quickly, and put a pillow under your butt.

The first time may be painful. It depends on the kind of hymen you have.

Was it painful for you?

At least my husband used protection.

Hemingway writes it's as if the ceiling came down on your head.

As if all things got mixed up, the sky, the earth...

And for whom the bell tolls. Artists color things up.

- Am I supposed not to do it? - Do it, but wisely.

Don't rush it.

Have you ever seen a condom?

Wait.

Do you have condoms?

- Of course not. - I need one for my patient.

- I may try to find one. - Do it.

- Why are you here? - To see the doctor.

- Why? You're fine. - How do you know that?

Don't sit here. Recuperate outside, please.

You too!

You've barely just arrived, and look what's going on!

This is a decent facility, not a cathouse.

- It's not Warsaw. - What are you talking about?

You are giving condoms away to the patients.

- Everybody knows that now. - You'd rather I gave them abortions?

- Summer is good for love. - Not in my facility!

Decent people come here to get treatment and unwind.

Boss...

Excuse me...

- Don't forget to knock next time! - But of course. Forgive me.

I'm sorry, dear. Get dressed.

Thanks for saving me.

Do you know what I told him?

I told him you were a KGB agent.

Maybe I am.

- I'm not afraid of you. - Maybe you should.

I've nothing to hide. I'm just a simple sailor.

Are you? Is this where you sail?

I don't sail anymore.

- But I did get to see the whole world. - I envy you.

I have always wanted to travel, but the farthest I got was Bialystok.

Travelling is awesome, but it's hard life.

One must...

- needs to settle down one day. - Must, or needs to?

My wife asked me to.

It's nice of you to listen to your wife.

- Hello, doctor! - Hello.

But frankly... why are you here?

- I'm trying to stay away from men. - Are you always so mysterious?

I'm an agent after all.

- Can I see you tonight? - Thank you for the condoms.

Dive!

Get in the water.

It's so beautiful here.

I'm sorry, doctor. Everyone needs some endorphins.

Endorphins? Aren't you a talker.

I need to make up for my shortcomings. You said I was ugly, remember?

I am sorry!

- My brother and I used to compete who'd spit farther. - Really?

You've just met a champion.

You're good!

Dinner time.

You know what they say about sailors?

- No. - They've a women in each port.

But I always sent postcards to the same one back home.

Don't tell me the only places you visited were post offices.

- I did not say that. - Say something then.

Every country has its own customs.

Every temple is governed by its own rights.

For example...

for the Japanese, the feet are most important.

It is a challenge to navigate a ship over endless oceans,

or to ride a chariot,

or face love's emotions.

- How is it a challenge? - You're wrong on that.

In the Far East, sex is considered a form of art.

- What's one got to do with the other? - Sex complements love.

The pleasure of being with the loved one is the most beautiful thing.

There's our lost thing!

- A welcome drink, doctor! - With pleasure.

I have something for the captain then.

Driven by desire, don't outrun your boo,

and when you reach the harbor, make sure she's there too.

Wojtek, my dear, time to bed.

Seems like we managed to inspire you after all.

A finesse rider is saying goodnight to you.

See, doctor? The nation's hungry for knowledge.

Tell us more about your travels, captain.

Tantra. It teaches you how to reach ecstasy

- without touching the partner. - How come?

A couple is looking in each other's eyes.

They breathe deeply.

And by contracting their muscles...

I do have to send my patients to sanatoriums. It's mighty inspiring.

- Why don't you write a book? - Who'd read it?

- I would. - Me too.

- What might the title be? - Why not something classical?

The Art of Loving.

I don't know.

Let's drink to art then!

You scared me.

Now you have no choice but bathe with me.

Oh, no. I don't bathe with strangers.

Jurek.

Michalina.

You broke the curtain.

Good morning.

Morning, dear.

What is it?

Can you sew things?

I can't even sew a button on.

If you want to be a sex guru...

you need to look like one.

- Look. - I hate skirts.

Wanna hide those legs from the world?

Such a waste.

Look...

Look how beautiful you are. Just look.

I need to get back to my patients.

Tough luck.

I can find a minute though.

I'll be dead! I'm going to miss the bus!

Stop!

Good morning!

Come with me.

Stay with me.

You know where you can shove your review of my book for the Central Committee?

In these clothes you look like Maryla Rodowicz.

Not like a serious academic.

You hate competing with a woman.

No one is interested in what you've written in there.

It's cheap porn.

- Boar. - Slut.

Ladies first.

Good morning, chief! So nice to see you!

Jadzia! Let me see my correspondence. Good morning.

- Morning. The whole of it? - Everything.

- There you go. - Don't you sort it?

- Why should we? - To know which ones are for whom.

These are for you. These are for the others.

All of this? I'll be dead.

These are slurs.

- And these are thank you letters. - And these?

- Requests for advice. - Hold it.

Insufficient lubrication of the vagina causes excessive friction of the penis

and diminishes the comfort of the copulation. The problem arises...

- Professor... Professor! - Yes?

- What would you advise this girl to do? - Her boyfriend should use his tongue.

Excise me? Easy! What are you doing?!

- There you go! - Are you nuts? What are doing?!

What is it?!

Go ahead, read it.

'You old hag, be ashamed of yourself.

You should be hanged for your filth. Aren't you afraid of God?'

These are the results of your pseudo-scientific work.

Excuse me!

Here are the thank you letters. The slurs are scattered on the floor.

- I confused them. - No problem, dear.

And nobody gives a shit about you.

- Coffee, sir? - Not now.

- An interview Wednesday at 9:00. - Very well.

- At 3:00... - I have no time now. Hello.

Delicious.

Hello, Michalina!

- Forgive me for keeping you waiting. - Don't mention it. I got some tea.

You're having a whole book printed in a newspaper?!

In pieces?

Sienkiewicz published his 'Trilogy' in pieces too.

Doctor has a modern approach.

It may help, or be ultimately annoying.

- No risk, no champagne. - I like champagne. And I've got a bottle.

I thought you had friends in the Central Committee.

I happen to have that too.

But it doesn't mean the comrades will dance to my tune.

- They can't block us out more. - I wouldn't be that sure.

Okay.

I'll get us an appointment.

- Nice curtains. - Nylon.

For me it's a softcore book for married couples,

so that they stopped bashing each other's faces.

That's the way I see it. That's how I want to sell it.

And it'll sell like hotcakes.

The Ministry of Internal Affairs will be happy

as people will be fucking, instead of fighting.

Please, Christian.

They fuck in a shower here. They make pillow fights.

They live in cramped rat holes. Where else can they fuck?

- On a couch with the mother-in-law? - Is it a sexual criticism

of the socialist construction sector?

Doctor? Doctor!

You can't go in there, citizen! Stop!

The very author is controversial.

Yes, she is controversial.

Explain.

She is not a noble professor who will explain these matters,

in an in-depth manner, that is, a scientific one.

But she is a conscientious academic with a doctoral degree,

and achievements. One waits 6 months in line to get to her.

- Let's not talk about lines. - Dr Wislocka has the content

of her book published in pieces anyway.

What?

- Impossible. - Yes. In a women's magazine.

- You can't arrest that book! - Leave the lady alone!

It's for you too, gentlemen. Are you doing so good at home?

It's a user's manual, don't you get it?

What are you about?

About hierarchy.

- The hierarchy of values. Good day. - Please...

I just had to say something.

Some conscientious academic.

You are a bit undiplomatic, Michalina.

- Why did you storm in there? - It was a mistake.

- She got overwhelmed by emotions. - You were supposed to watch her.

I'm really sorry. I don't know what wrong you did in the past.

Unfortunately...

But I think they'll let it pass.

Let's not forget about the censorship though.

Well...

There's one more issue.

The word...

'phallus' that often appears in the book.

- Would 'dick' be better? - We'll find something.

- 'Penis'? - Beautiful and so biological.

And proud.

Right.

About these pictures.

Are they bad?

Definitely too large. They have a bad influence on imagination.

Damn it!

- They look like blots. - They'll look like post stamps.

Listen.

- What if she's white, and he's black? - Don't say anything more, please.

- Just don't say anything this time. - Okay, I won't.

- Not a single word. - I said I won't.

Hello.

Here's the deal.

The conditions for publishing 'The Art of Loving' are as follows:

the volume shall be 10,000 copies.

The Department of Culture agreed on 100,000.

It'll say 10,000 in the book. People can't think it's a popular topic.

On the cover there should be an illustration

of a couple wearing wedding outfits.

A talented artist has processed an adequate design

according to our guidelines. I'm sure you'll like it.

Do you like it?

It's interesting.

As for the illustrations inside the book.

I got this from you.

Sadly, it's not good.

It's a Negro with a white woman.

Why?

Being black doesn't make him a Negro.

Who is he then? A chimney sweeper?

It was about a contrast between...

We're not racist.

Finally, we're crossing out several minor fragments about sex games.

- Which ones? - We'll consider that.

- The chapter on orgasms. - No!

Do you want to have this book published?

But orgasms are crucial! It is a key chapter!

Let's have a calm conversation. Everyone can have an orgasm.

Every man, yes!

Why is the woman's orgasm more important than the man's?

Boleslaw and I are for equality.

You put women on tractors, and you think it's enough!

- Doctor! Let's have a conversation. - There's nothing to converse about.

There's no 'Art of Loving' without orgasms!

- There is not! - But...

Miska!

What are you doing? Get back there at once!

Can't you see what they are up to? They want to destroy everything.

- Even our love. - You said there are happy girls

- without orgasms. - Yes, orgasm is a metaphor.

- You said closeness mattered! - All should have the right to have them,

- and to know how to have them. - You want to give up?

I won't take part in the castrating of my book.

Have you ever thought about me, and that I'm doing my best to see it through?

Can you hear yourself? Go ahead with your life.

Go for a walk, make love with your boyfriend.

Sometimes you need to compromise in life.

I've compromised many times. You think it did me any good?

Greetings from Lubniewice. Have you finished writing your masterpiece?

The nation's waiting. When shall we go to India? Captain.

Are you here?

Are you here? Halo?

I'm here, darling.

You're so dressed up.

What did you expect?

It's the capital city after all.

You need to come more often.

I almost started to forget you.

Well, Miska...

I'm inundated with work.

- Did you know I took over the facility? - Don't say.

Get ready, boss, because you'll have loads of work when I come.

I'm going there with my wife this year.

So what?

And with our daughter.

Miska...

I want to be with you.

So do l.

We can't do it at the expense of my child though.

You said you loved me.

I do.

I'll figure something out.

There's nothing to figure out.

Miska.

Where are you going?

Where I won't lose my mind.

Krzys?

What are you doing here?

I'm not going back to Lodz!

- You have to go back home. - My home is here!

You can't stay here, honey!

- Why? - Aunt Wanda loves you so much

- that she must be going crazy now. - But you are my mom!

- Please, mom. - Mom's never at home anyway!

- You wouldn't get to see her. - Krysia!

Isn't it true?

I do spend a lot of time at work, but I'm doing my best.

Wanda's husband doesn't want me. He says you abandoned me.

It's not like that at all.

Listen.

We just don't have any money. I have to work around the clock, and it's

- barely enough for the two of us. - I know everything!

- What do you know? - You know what.

- What is it about, mom? - Mom is not my mom.

Aunt Wanda is.

Mom?

I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you earlier. Krzys!

Krzys!

Open the door! Krzys!

Let's talk! I know it shouldn't have been like that!

Leave me alone!

Am I yours for sure, mom?

You both are. It doesn't matter at all, because I love you!

Krzys, please.

Come.

Miska...

You could've sent me a telegram.

Damned post.

It's hot.

No need to go to Cuba. Lubniewice will do.

True.

The facility has changed since last year, hasn't it?

- I don't think so. - Maybe a bit.

I have all those visions in my head.

- Yes, Jurek has wonderful ideas. - Are you here for long, doctor?

- It's just a short spontaneous visit. - No way. You must stay.

- Will you get her a room upstairs? - But of course.

- No need. I'll get some suntan, and go. - You must stay. Definitely.

There are only old yentas around here. I've no friends. Please!

Your wife has convinced me, Jurek.

- Let's go for a smoke. - I don't smoke.

You'll keep me company.

Can I have this dance, boss?

Of course...

All the best to you! May you live 100 and more!

It's a beautiful place.

Did your husband stay in Warsaw?

- I'm divorced. - For how long?

Long enough.

Ela.

Miska.

- Doesn't Jurek miss the sea? - You mean adventures and girls?

Whatever he'd do, I know he loves only me.

Excuse me.

My daughter's woken up.

I'll get it!

Krysia!

What are you going to do with these things?

Throw them away. It's just some childhood junk.

You got packed so quickly.

I'm not going to America.

- Hi - Hello.

- Good morning, madam. - Good morning.

Stop smoking. It's unhealthy.

I'll get the bags, and I'll wait outside.

- Goodbye. - Bye.

Now what? You'll leave me all alone.

You've always been alone, mom.

Hey! Michalina!

Ela?

You're in Warsaw?

- We moved here. - How's Jurek?

He's dead. Didn't you know?

How come?

He went back to sea. He couldn't stand it here.

He was away for almost a year. His heart...

He had a strong heart.

I'm sorry. I know it must be hard for you.

Michalina!

Michalina...

Hello.

Come in, my child.

I've come to thank you.

Oranges.

A warm evening in the sanatorium?

It'll be a great kid.

Seems like a boy.

- How do you know? - Boys always push forward,

and girls like to hug to their mothers.

- It's kicking. Can you feel it? - I can.

I'm so happy.

Thank you.

I need to repay you somehow.

Can I do something for you?

Thank you, dear.

I guess only comrade Gierek could do something for me now.

The whole bottle of soda went in.

God told Adam and Eve to go and multiply.

I've delivered hundreds of newborns, and you know what?

There's nothing more wonderful.

But the very act of love is equally beautiful.

I encounter women's reluctance to have sex every day.

Be it virgins, or married women. Do you know why?

Because they fear getting pregnant. It is a serious problem.

We want kids, but it's best for everyone, if we decide when it'll happen.

That's what contraception is for.

People have managed without it for thousands of years.

And so they have without running water, medicines,

tractors, or electricity. It's no argument, doctor.

- God is my shepherd... - I understand your stance, doctor.

Contraception will cause your profits to dwindle.

One more thing! Sex can be as mundane as taking out garbage!

But it can also be as beautiful as a prayer!

That's too much!

Calm down!

Calm down! Please, go back to your seats.

If Gierek tried dressing up with his Stasia he wouldn't be afraid

- of 'The Art of Loving'. - Maybe it didn't work out,

and so they hold the book up.

Wait, ladies.

All culture girls are precious.

- Who has power over this situation? - Besides the Political Bureau

and the Central Committee it's the Ministry of Culture.

Or someone at the top. In the militia, or the military.

- Do we know anyone like that? - I don't know everyone.

They are my patients, but I don't know whose wives they are.

The Security Service. They know everything. They'll help us

- sieve through those names. - Don't overestimate them.

Hello.

Is it the meeting about 'The Art of Loving'?

What's going on?

- A strike. - What fucking strike?

You know why I'm here. I'm not leaving without it, you sad paper-pusher.

Or we can use your phone and call my husband.

I really want you...

to publish this.

- We said 'Yes'... - You cut out the crucial chapters!

- Let's not split hairs! - Then don't!

Honey...

- What about Paris? - Screw Paris!

You don't care about Paris?

You don't?

I want that book.

The whole of it.

You know she's crazy.

But the Party will have a new member thanks to her.

With the emphasis on... 'member'.

A boy?

- See how he's pushing forward. - A son!

What are you doing here, you punk?

Are you betting?

Gold for you, ma'am?

Michalina Wislocka 'The Art of Loving'.

- Where did you get it? - From under the counter.

- Is it any good? - Exquisite, ma'am.

Wislocka! It's for the young, good lady!

You're dumb, and you'll stay this way! If you had read it instead

of just looking at the pictures, you'd know sex is good at any age!

The later, the better!

The whole uncut 'Art of Love'! All the pictures, all the pages!

- I have the whole book here. - Excuse me.

500! Would you like one?

- How much? - 500.

With the original drawings.

Naturally!

Come!

Only here will you get the whole illustrated 'Art of Loving'!

Teresa? I'm at the Rozycki Bazaar.

- You wanted that book out. - Everyone's reading it.

It's a leak from the printing works. We didn't know how to tell you.

- I'm so sorry, Miska. - What are you sorry for, dear?

It's the most beautiful day in my life.

Thank you.

I have the feeling you have not read 'The Art of Loving',

because if you had read it, you wouldn't be so enthusiastic,

as love is really hard work.

I once thought the body had nothing to do with love.

Now I find it hard to believe how dumb I was.

Both the body and the soul

are necessary to learn to love yourself and another person.

That's why I wrote that book.

It's a manual on how to use love.

My dream is that after reading my book

you wanted to cuddle to your partner, and give yourself a little joy.

Everyone is bothered by a question,

whether this book is based on the author's actual experience.

Was there a specific man involved?

Let me tell you this,

a blind person won't write a book on colors.

You didn't say goodbye.

I couldn't.

We'll be together again.

I know, but not now.

- You're not leaving me? - Jurek...

Could anyone leave you?

THE ART OF LOVING

In 1997, doctor Michalina Wislocka was granted the Order of Polonia Restituta.

She died of heart problems at the age of 84.

Published in 1976, 'The Art of Loving' became a bestseller

with 7 million copies sold.

40 years later an updated 13th edition of the book was published.

There's no book like that in Poland written in such a simple language.

As some claimed, it was a book for housewives.

But I wanted every housewife to understand it.

I wanted every woman to get my message.

Nobody ever told women about sex in such a way,

how to live, cuddle, or experience pleasure.

Nobody told them about the basics.

Or the men, because the book is for them too.

They all read it under the table.

It was banned, but you could find it everywhere.

Most of all, it became a point of ambition for women

to have the book published. It was a good story for a movie.

But for them, there'd be no book.

The women had the book published for me.

I had moments of weakness in this tough fight.

There was a fierce fight to get the book published.

They didn't like it at all.

They felt threatened by it.

And so my patients got me most support.

They kept me going at the moments of weakness.

I published a book about love.

It is also about children and family life.

I've always cared about women and men.

Especially about women, because they're forever underdogs.

Emancipation won't change it.

I believe women finally understood they have a right to be women,

to express their desires, to feel different emotions.

There were different stages. There was a family planning clinic.

Earlier, there was a youth clinic, where I distributed condoms

and got stygmatized for that.

I do have some achievements.

But a human being is like a book.

No experience, no story.

Experiences make up a person,

and make them able to help others.

I wouldn't be who I am without my life experience.

Isn't it enough?

You'll wear the old lady out.

I'm sweating by this fire.