All language subtitles for Situation amoureuse (2014)

It began in 6th grade.
I was a C student,

pretending to study,
when I was busy doodling.

For instance,
I was trying out signatures,

while Mr. Chabut talked about
the Ottoman Empire.

I was a quiet pupil,

no ambition.

Then she walked in.

Children,

this is Vanessa Bestel.

She's from the United States.

My name's Benjamin Rivière, age 11,
and for the first time,

I'm in love.

Vanessa and I knew

it would be eternal love
without divorce.

You were leaving?

It was clearer for me.

I ordered a beer.

Rivière,

what d'you think you're doing?

To show we were made for each other,

I'd need a strategy.

Hey, Rivière!
What comes first,

your diploma or your puberty?

In this case, it was escape.

No math!

Or the photo-montage strategy,
to be near

the one you love

without needing her consent.

That was a good strategy.

No need to show it all.

Quit beating off with the Timotei!

No more dermatologist!

I didn't do anything!

In 9th grade I said:
"To hell with it,

"I'm the love tank,

"an unstoppable steamroller
of passion,

"I'd tell Vanessa everything."

Hey, guys,

Kurt Cobain is dead!

That's right,
all because of that guy!

Never mind:
I've found the perfect quote,

she won't resist.

Fuck!

Too bad.

Plus, I'm about to blow it.

"Whatever I do,

"wherever I am,

"you're always near,

"I think of you."

Then she went back to the U.S.
And that was it.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
IT'S COMPLICATED

- Why not let yourself in?
- You lost my key.

I gotta tell you, right this second!

- Right now!
- What is it?

I promised not to tell,

but I can't hold it in.

- So can I tell you?
- Of course.

The office pitched in
for a trip, anywhere,

a hotel of our choice

for our 10-day honeymoon...
in Business Class!

Holy shit!

Let's look.

Not now. I just spent 8 hours
on the wedding of two morons.

So the computer's...

We'll have a look later.

Well, okay. I dunno.

We could sit on the couch
and talk about dumb stuff?

Or on that pouf,

on top of your Dirty Laundry project.

No, that's what I was doing:

putting away clothes.

I'm sorting them out.

Remember, I still live alone here.
It's my mess.

Let's go and join the others.

If we stay here,
we'll only discuss the preparations.

That's true, since it's 2 weeks away.

Can I use my "cop out" card tonight?

You're such a pain!

Gift from my lady!

What is it?

- Yeah, it's awesome.
- Really nice.

That's that.

You didn't call back my guy,
losers!

What guy?

Claude Champagne,
my awesome DJ pal.

He's mixing nearby, check him out.

For real? Claude Champagne?

Who cares! He's fit!

We can't hire every guy
you want to bang!

It's a wedding.
They're on a budget.

But his name is Claude Champagne!

That's true.

They have an awesome best man,
they can't have everybody.

They pay you on top of it?

No, but given the speech

I'm writing, I deserve to be.

Why'd you choose Jérémie again?

Isn't "best man"
supposed to be "best" friend?

I mean Jérémie wouldn't get
Ben's coffee.

Last time I got him toilet paper.

You were right there.

I download his series.
All slackers do it, but not him.

You do it anyway.

You managed to bust my chops
in a flash.

I'll get us drinks.

Rivière!

You in a trendy bar?

Hey, Sylvain!

A hug, man!

- How's it going?
- Great.

How long's it been?
10 years?

Only 2.
I ran into you at Dunkin' Donuts.

You had a special.

You rushed off
to meet an African diplomat

about some oilfield.

Did it work out?

Oh yeah! Sure... No.

Look, Sylvain, I gotta run.

I'm off to Singapore in half an hour.

You split
when I have something to tell you.

Too bad.

What is it?

You're not gonna believe this.

What is it?

What could I tell you right now,

directos los chicanos,
that'd blow you away?

I dunno.
This is out of the blue.

I'll make it simple.

Who walked in my office
and asked for a loan no later

than yesterday?

Bruce Willis.

No, someone real.

How the hell should I know?
I really gotta make tracks.

Bestel.

Vanessa Bestel himself.
Yes, ma'am!

Vanessa Bestel,
the USA's hottest ass.

Vanessa Bestel
and her million-dollar babyfeeders,

the prettiest girl we ever knew.

- Is anyone home?
- I don't see who you mean.

She'll be here in a sec!

- Here?
- Yes, here.

- It can't be.
- Yes, it can!

My dogs are waiting.

I gotta go.

For your information,

she just got dumped
and is moving back to Paris.

Do as you like. If you've got
something going on, good for you,

don't say I didn't tell you.

If you've got stuff to do,

have fun.

You can't say I didn't tell you.

Why am I hearing this?

Why?

15 years later, for the first time,

you, Benjamin Rivière,

a C student,

can consider Vanessa as a life plan.

Well, folks,
looks like I have an audience.

Let's head out. It's moron night.

What?

The vibe's gone, and when it's gone,

it's gone, so let's split.

Can't we have one drink here?

Your fashion blogger pal
wants to have a drink with us.

She'll be here after a tweet.

So we're outta here, now!

There's a bash nearby.

Good idea.

We can dance, too.

Dancing's fun, we never dance.

Gimme a cig, please.

It gets the gunk out.

So we hit a party at 10:30,
smoking cigs?

We never do that.

You okay?

Then let's go.

Go on, man, we're loving it!

- Looks like fun.
- You're doing a good job.

Wanna join us?

No. Back off!

Quit sobbing, it's your kid.

It's your kid.

Morning!

How are you, darling?

Fine.

What?

Soy milk, that's what.

It'll bring this world down,

this soy.

And Styrofoam, of course.

Do they know what's good about it?

Not the taste, that's for sure...

No surprises at least.

I'm meeting Vanessa Friday.
Man up and join us at the pool.

Who is it?

That old high school friend
who keeps bugging me...

He just moved back to Paris
and he's lost,

he wants to get together this week.

Want me to come?

Forget it.
He's a real creep.

I'm not even sure I'll go.

And I think we've got stuff
to do this week,

important stuff,

rather than deal with him.

You can be nice to him.

Go see him for a few minutes.

So you say I go?

Why are we even discussing it?

That goes for here, too!

I told you: That's your lane,

this is mine, okay?

Now beat it.

Don't piss in the water again.

I feel it, it's warmer!

Sylvain...

Coolio!

Check this out!

Neoprene, man.

The future.

My tribute to The Big Blue.

What was Jean Reno's name?

- Enzo.
- Exactly!

And Eric Serra, My Lady Blue.

- The good old days.
- Okay, thanks, Sylvain!

What happened?

Nothing crazy. I'll explain.

Why out here?

It's nicer than the office. Look.

Prettier colleagues.

Is Vanessa really coming out here?

Remember my promise

when Aymeric locked us
in the garbage room?

I said I'd fix you up with her.

With Vanessa?

That was 15 years ago.

Then happy birthday, baby.
Here she is.

What a whore!

Hi, Vaness',

all for the best
in your nice little world?

Sorry,

I was held up at the restaurant.
Can't stay long.

Sorry about yesterday.
But you went overboard.

Don't worry, I understand.
It's the jetlag,

you thought I was hitting on you.
No problemo!

I've brought you...
Benjamin Rivière, the man!

Class delegate 4 times in a row.

Incidentally, a great guy
and my best buddy.

100% Capricorn, go for it.
Pure velvet, the best.

Hi, Vaness'.
Amazing to meet again.

Sylvain told me a lot about you.

Remember him now?

So, what do I have to sign?

Why bring me out here for that?

Beats being shut up in an office.

I've got the papers,
let's go over there.

Give me a hand, I'm on business,

grab my stuff
before someone swipes it.

- Thieves here?
- Sure there are.

Remember at the school pool,

if we forgot our things
we lost 3 points.

Like now, you lose 3 points.

And a note to your parents!

Once I didn't have my things
and I lost 3 points.

But it was Aymeric Leguennec,
you went out with him,

who'd hidden them in a locker.

I hadn't forgotten them.

Aymeric Leguennec!

A blast from the past!

So, Vanessa, you're up and running,

out to take the capital.
Back in Paris 15 years later

and starting over, waitress in Paris!

No, I'm opening my own restaurant.

Your restaurant!

Daily special...

Meal tickets...

So what do you do?

I make wedding movies.

Wedding movies!

How funny.

Really?

If you get married,
you're sure to do something great!

Smoothies: Coco-banana for Beauty,
raspberry for the Beast

of Sex!

And for swimming fans,

it's lane 4, and now!

Gangway, Tarzan!

Juliette. Missed call

I am fond of him though.

Me too, I love him.

But I have to go, Vanessa.
I'm in a rush.

Me, too.

Something wrong?

It's clogged.

Use my straw.

No thanks.

I'm allergic.

I'll get out here.

My restaurant's around the corner.

Here, on the right.
Great.

- Yeah, we're neighbors.
- That's nice.

Ciao. Thanks again.

So long.

Ciao. Hang on! Ben!

Your number.

I'm home!

I found these on the ground.

I figured...

may as well pick 'em up.

So your pal wasn't such a pain.

Actually, no.

We fucked all afternoon,
I tore him apart!

Even when you screw up,
you make jokes.

You said I was sexy
when I screwed up.

Yeah, well...

To bed, Biarritz tomorrow!

I'd forgotten the 10-foot dogs.

Watch yourself, sonny.

They're fighting tigers.

Oh, Dad,
you know he's scared of dogs.

Okay, but they're like sons to me.

He'd better learn to like
his future in-laws!

You're stealing my only daughter.

So I see my dogs devouring you.

What loving father wouldn't?

Nice shirt.

Into my arms, the two of you.

I'm so happy to see you.

I got tendonitis
preparing your wedding,

right up to my shoulder.

It's excruciating!

Okay otherwise?
Need a hand?

It's coming along nicely.

First piece of news:

Magalie isn't coming.

She left me last night.

I'd just got her a pair of Adidas.

She loves them.

It's tough, but we said we'd try...

Not to talk about it.

So...

for the lawn,
the first good news

just came in:

Pierre-Luc agreed

to mow the lawn Monday.
That's checked off.

Okay.
So the lawn's taken care of.

Next, Ben-Ben,
the music?

I'm waiting for a callback.

If not, there's Noémie Grondin.

She's a carnie's daughter,

they have a sound system,
she'll fucking rock it, man!

Does that suit you?

Just fine.

- What about my guy?
- We've gotta settle this.

Apart from that,

the major pain is the buffet.

Magalie was to do it.

Sorry, but that's the bummer.

Goddam!

Why'd I give her those sneakers?

I'm not up to snuff.

I blew my two marriages
and now yours.

You haven't blown a thing, Dad!

I'll find us a caterer,
and that's that.

We haven't paid for anything yet.

You can't do everything.

All you've done so far is perfect.

Right, Ben?

Yeah, absolutely.

Thanks, sweetie.

I thought I'd break down.
We're not sissies, right?

Certainly not!

Follow me.

Stay there. This is between men.

I'm not supposed to show you,
so keep mum.

Rather than an envelope...

I was going to give you
over 7,000 euros.

I thought of a gift that was more

personal.

The message of this painting is:
in marriage you become One.

I took the liberty
of imagining your penis.

I wasn't sure about the size.

I gave you a nice pair of rocks.

Attention: it's the missus.

Yes, darling. Yes, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it either.

No, I won't chain you to my bumper
and drag you around the car park.

We're not cowboys!

Did you try them on?

Your toes don't touch?
See.

I knew they wouldn't touch.

See you later.

Magalie's coming back.

Funny, I always knew she would.

Really?

Funny, isn't it?

Damn!

It does wonders, I'm so happy!

So everything's in place:
you've got your buffet!

Don't tell Juliette.
It's a surprise!

Magalie's wild about Viking culture.

She and her sister are going to fix
a Viking wedding buffet.

Meaning?

All kinds of Viking food:

hydromel, wild game galore,

sparrowhawk and other vultures.
Viking!

And it'll give you a theme.

You don't have to lift a finger,
everything's done for you. Lucky guy!

A Viking buffet is weird.

He says we'll eat vultures and stuff.

Let him handle it.
It makes him happy.

I'll deal with his buffet madness.

You just see to

the last-minute stuff.

In your spare time.

There's the list.

Even if you only do 15%,
that's a start.

Okay?

40%, even.
I've thought of a few things myself.

Hey, Ben, let's meet up.
Hugs. V.

I love you.

Love you...

I left 40 euros for Veronica.
She comes at 11:30.

Don't take it this time.

Don't be silly!

Hi, gorgeous, it's Pierre-Ange.

I want to see you happy,
Juliette.

You make a fine couple.

Before fading from your mind,

I'll read this passage
from Henry Miller's Sexus.

"I took it out a moment,

"to cool it off.

"She put her hand in the puddle

"and sprinkled it with a few drops.
Marvelous.

"She was on her hands and knees,
begging for it assways.

- "On all fours..."
- All fours!

He's got some nerve!

Trying to pinch my girl?

He's out of his mind!

You're lucky.

Yes, Vanessa.

Here I set up a long table,

for a sort of canteen vibe

so people will sit
and get acquainted.

It's in fashion.

Just one sec.

What?

I love Mr. Pretzel!
You do that?

I put it up to hide an ugly hole.

- I'll take it down later.
- No, don't!

I thought it was there on purpose.

Like Mr. Pretzel's the boss.

I need a break.

- Wanna do something with me?
- Sure.

"Herd in the Storm."

Stand in front of that.
I'll take a picture.

That one?

Do something cool!

Cooler.

Perfect.

Your turn.

Stand in front of "Herd
in the Storm." See what it's like.

I really like what you do.

Your body and all that

in this space.
It's fluid, it breathes.

It reminds me

of a wave.
Yes, a great big wave.

Makes me want to surf again.

I own a gallery.
I have 3 paintings in this show.

Hear that?

Hear that music?

It's barely perceptible,
but it's the music of life.

And I love life. What about you?

It's wild, isn't it?

Unexpected.
Then bam, here we are.

And suddenly, it's obvious.

Here's my card.

With all you need on it.
Please...

don't lose it.

Just once...

I almost forgot:

I'm a musician, too.
I have a guitar at home.

What was that about?

In his moronic mind
I couldn't be your boyfriend!

I was your little brother.

Cut it out, Ben. Who cares!

I prefer a guy like you
hitting on me

to a bonehead like him.

Tell that to my junior high years,

because talk about a desert!

I don't understand your fixation
with that time.

To me it's so far away.

We're no longer in school.

Can I ask you something?

Could you do a film
for my restaurant?

To put on Facebook.

Hang on, say that again.

It's funny the way you say it.

In France, it's more like Facebuke.

You can never be serious, can you?

So, will you make me a little film?

And you'll find it "amazing"!

What?

I'm disappointed
you haven't said it yet.

Americans always say it.

- True, we say it a lot.
- Thanks.

You coming tomorrow?

- What's happening?
- Sylvain's party.

Oh, right. He has one every year...

I never go.
It's creepier than Six Feet Under.

So what?
We'll go together and have a laugh.

I'm off.

I just want to say one serious thing:

Thanks.

I spent a very cool afternoon.

This is really fun.

Your shower's getting worse.

When will you give up this place?

It's my father's apartment.

You get the stuff done on the list?

What?

Christ, Ben, you're a pain!

It's your wedding, too.

What've you been doing?

What'd I do all day?

Wrong question.
I got a contract, so there.

That means I'll do it tomorrow.

But I have to justify myself,
'coz I'm a loser

who doesn't deliver.

Give your list to P-A.

- He'll deliver.
- What's he got to do with it?

Yeah, yeah.

Don't worry.

I saw his smutty poem on Facebook.

It's so lousy I was gonna show you.

See, you're embarrassed.
Right, the nervous laugh.

He's just a poor lonesome soul,
so I like him.

Since when do you snoop?

Since a guy you seem to like

started posting sick stuff
on your Facebook.

If I see him,
I'll beat him to a pulp.

You bet.

Sure.

You know me.

You know I'm not like that.

You have a problem with him.
Don't turn it around.

I was about to call him.

- Oh yeah?
- I was going to call him.

- And so?
- I didn't.

There's a reason.
Don't try and get out of it.

I was going to,

but I considered the consequences.

I'm not just irresponsible.

The guy's your boss,

so it could get you in trouble.

So I hung up.
Sorry for thinking first.

Sorry.

You think too much these days.

Tomorrow you do it?

Want anything?

How would you beat him up?

Like this, with your little muscles?

My little muscles?

A little kick?

Little means nothing.

Not at all.
It's the thrust of the blow.

And you've got thrust.

I can have if I'm facing him.

Walk away while I'm talking,
to make me look dumb.

I wind up the blow and bam!
In the kisser!

Action!

We're filming.

Move with me, Ralit.

Good... Smile, Vanessa.
You're glad to be here.

The boom, Ralit.
Unbelievable!

Faster...

Come on, Ralit,
help us out!

Stop! Don't move! Smile.

Not bad...

Ralit, the boom!

A little pan shot.
Yes, Ralit.

It's a wrap, Ralit!

It's off. Not bad.

Wow, Ben, that's great!

- Really?
- Yeah, thanks!

Don't mention it.

I have to go start editing,
or we'll be late

for the editing.

It's important for the...

the editing.
See you at Sylvain's?

Sorry. Bye!

No, it's not a sign!

Juliette's your girl,
you're complementary.

Yeah, man.

She's in control, you're a mess.

She has a real job,
you scrape by.

She's hot, you've lucked out.

She gives you structure.

You won't find better,
don't kid yourself.

Make bubbles, I can see your balls.

So that's how you see me.

Admit you're totally irresponsible.

A wonder you hooked a babe.

Soon to be... your wife!

You haven't seen this chick.

A bombshell with brains.
A wild combination.

She ignored me at school,
now she calls all the time.

It must be a sign.

We both know

an affair is like fast food.

Before, you're keen,
after, you're guilty.

So on the count of 3,

promise to erase this chick
from your mind, but really.

In Total Recall.

1...

2... 3.

I know damn well if you're here,
she will be.

What am I doing wrong?

"Sorry, honey,
I was just humping

"my childhood dream girl.

"It's not me, it's my dick!"

I'm not here to screw
but to be polite.

You can't understand that.

What's that jerk doing?

The prince of Jr. High in the flesh!

Fantastic!

My plus one.

Jérémie, my best buddy.
Not empty-handed.

Already a crowd?

Don't mind me.

Look out, pal,

it's madness!

Introducing Gael Blindick,

Patrick Pitkin,

Daniel Rabid, Frank Partridge,
Lionel Popineau, Philippe Cremish.

Just waiting for Tristan Barber,
Didier Craven.

Put that on the bar,

with a smile and a spark.

Ben, please.

It rocks!

It totally rocks! It's awesome!

Superb!

Isn't Vanessa coming?

Don't worry, it's under control.

Excuse me a sec. Three times

I've told Didier
to put on Depeche Mode.

Didier! "Enjoy the silence"!

- What is this party?
- I warned you it'd be weird.

Cremish!

How goes it?

- Glad to see you.
- Same here.

I've wanted to ask:

In 9th grade,
Brichard pulled a pop quiz on us.

You sat next to me
and got a perfect score.

What'd you put for number 2?

Number 2?

The second question.

I don't remember.

Ass kisser!

Take it easy!

What is this party?
Who's the nutcase?

He's the worst,
Philippe Cremish. He had BO.

When he joined our class, I realized
the importance of taking showers.

A sicko!

Ladies and Gents, the prettiest girl
tonight, and the only one!

I give you Miss Vanessa Bestel!

That's Vanessa?

Hi, everybody!

You've become Mr. Bang-Who-I-Want.

I'm not laying her.

Now I understand.
She's gorgeous.

You've got to do her.

What about Juliette?

To hell with Juliette.
You're marrying, now's your chance.

It has to happen now.

- How are you?
- And you?

- It's good you came!
- I think so, too.

It's better that way.
So, Vanessa,

a great moment. This is Jérémie.

My best friend.

- Pleased to meet you.
- Likewise.

There.

They don't do that.

- I'll get drinks?
- Great. Thanks.

It's happening now.

Philippe Cremish already wore

that T-shirt in 8th grade.

You're right.

You smelled him?

I gotta tell you something.
Sorry for earlier

but I must say this.

Ben, I'm the one who acted silly:

we're friends,
Let's be clear about that.

Okay.

We're friends.

It's better. We almost screwed up.

A round of shooters, watch out!

- To friends!
- Cheers!

So cute! Here's to ya.

Orange flavored.

- Man!
- Not a bad drink.

Cowboy stuff. Another round?

Thanks.

Maybe we should wait.

Now you feel it rising.

A tender transition:

a sequence of slows!

For demographic reasons,
boys can dance

with boys.

Can friends dance a slow?

It's allowed?

Whatever I do

Wherever I am

You're always near

I think of you

It's okay.

It's not the end of the world.

We kissed a bit, it's nothing.

We say we're friends,
then we neck.

Not the best way to be friends.

You're silly.

Shit!

- My keys!
- The old keys trick!

Of course.
I thought we were friends.

No, I swear,
it's not a trick.

I always forget something.
Now it's my keys!

No one else has a set?

Sure, but not...

at this hour.

It's all right.

Come to my place.

What?

You're not going to rape me.

- Won't you sit down?
- No, I won't stay.

You don't have your keys.

Right, that's why I'm here.
I forgot.

Relax,

settle down. Everything's okay.

You're the first guy to come
to my place and ask for ice cream.

Be right back.

It's good.

Here,

light it?

You smoke?

It helps me sleep.

You're right. That's true.

Hand me that.

This way we'll sleep,

both of us,

like

logs

until the morning.

And we'll sleep well.
Jeez, that's strong!

I have a porn channel?

Not really, you need a subscription.
It takes a code.

No point in paying these days,
you get it free on internet.

Stuff like, YouPorn?

Or PornHub, or Tube8 or xHamster.

You know your stuff.

Actually it's because
a friend of mine

is crippled
and I have to load his videos.

Like Untouchable but for porn.

That's it.

That's exactly it.
Shame.

Let's watch.

What?

I've never seen any.

No! We're not watching that.

Let's watch...

two guys bum-fucking?

That's not a good idea.

We're just having fun.

There's that one:

Mom teaches daughter
with the gardener

"British Mom and Daughter,"
and it's HD premium.

Sick! Go on, load it.

You sure? It is her daughter.

Go on.

A handy little shortcut.

There. Apple-F
and you've got it full screen.

Think they'll wait for us?

Shit! It's gross!

Come on, now, to bed...

That's enough.

Will you be okay on the couch?

Not too small?

You kidding? I'll be fine.

Thanks.

- Want me to lend you something?
- Like what?

A thong?

Sorry, I'm being stupid, I'm high.

Me too, I'm out of it.

You're here?

I had a drink with Jérem',
and forgot my keys so...

I got them from the concierge.

And the real version?

I was with Jérem'.

And he got you a stripper?

No. Why?

It's gonna happen sometime,
the stripper...

I just want you to tell me.
Was it last night?

No, I swear...

No, we were on the internet
until 4 a.m.

I believe you, sweetie.

Coming with me?

Where to?

Jogging! To look hot in my dress.

Okay.

You're coming jogging?

Yes, let me change first.

It wasn't a stripper,
it was Russian hookers.

A whole busload of them!

Since when do you run
without stopping?

It's exercise!

My body's asking for it.

I'm giving it.

You're right.

Look!

Over there.

Remember?

Yeah...

the rent-a-bike.

You couldn't park it.

With a load of angry protesters
coming at me.

That's what stressed me.

It was sweet.

And over there,
remember what you said to me?

The only time you came with me?

What?

You said this place was too green.

It needed more concrete
because the air was too pure.

I said that?

That's stupid.

No, dummy,
that's when I fell in love with you.

Really?

You never told me that.

Nope.

Keep going!
No more breaks!

Nice sweatpants.

Make you look fit.

What?

Show me the side view.

What's with my sweatpants?

- Come on...
- They're all stretched out.

Shit, you could have told me before!

No, they're fine.

Come and sit down.

These pants are fine.

We don't have to get married.

Why do you say that?

I saw the list,
you've done nothing.

I know you,
if you're not interested...

Something's eating you.

Not at all,
I really want to marry you.

Who else would I marry?

It's not just to be married.

I don't care about that.

I want you as my husband.

I want you to be my man.

Other men are bums.

Do you understand that?

That I want you to be my man?

Do you want salad?

Why are you so clingy?

Because I'm ready.

It's taken me a while, sorry,

but I'm ready.

I'm no longer scared.

Surprise!

Surprise?

You thought we had no plan?

It's your hen party!
Cecile, get her bag!

Come on, drink up! Drink!

You weren't in on this?

Aren't you pleased?

I'm happy, just surprised.

It's too early to drink. This is
no hunting club. Where you going?

- Can't say.
- It's a surprise.

So what do I do?

Change your clothes. Come on!

She's leaving?

No, we'll have it here.

Bring a bikini!

Are you my man?

Yes, I am.

The rest are bums.

I love you.

Let's go!

I forgot the condoms.

The what?

We're going to Croatia...

You know how brutal Croatian men are?

I'm gonna get rammed!

I love Vikings too, Magalie,
it's not that,

I'm scared that...

that it'll scare people.

As there'll be a lot of game,
as you say...

Of course people can try it.
That's not the point.

That's not it, Magalie,
as there's

lots of game,
maybe we could also have

something a little more...

modern.

Like roast chicken.

Something off the wall.

It doesn't have to be that authentic.

Listen, Magalie, you know what?

Forget it, do as you planned.

You seem to know what you're doing,

and you're not listening.

So that's agreed?
You do as you'd planned,

and you have carte blanche. Okay?

Thanks, Magalie.

I've got to go, I'm getting

my life in order, so I'm very busy.

Thanks, Magalie.

"Farvel"?

It's Viking for "goodbye." I see.
Well farvel, then.

- That woman!
- Go on...

This is a dumb idea.

Moving in together,

just before your wedding!

I feel the time is right, now.

And Vanessa?
Idiotic wakeup call.

Bad timing.
First fuck her, then feel bad.

If you want,
I'll make you feel guilty,

and then you get the wakeup call.

Even the chair doesn't want to go.

So that's the deal.

Only remember your pals
when you need them?

- How's it going, Sylvain?
- And you?

From Vanessa.

What did you do?
She won't stop talking about you.

Spend the night, then don't call?
Some gentleman!

You didn't tell me?

He doesn't give a shit about you.

Is she pregnant? I know a doc.

You gonna help or just commentate?

You spent the night with her?

Yes, he did.
Got a problem with that? You gay?

I think he's in love with you.

I'm not gay, just his best man,
but let's be homophobic.

You're marrying Vaness'?

Shit, you work fast.

No, a girl called Juliette.

Since when?

They've been together 3 years.
It was decided ages ago.

So why'd you do it?

I didn't do anything.

Yes, you did, Vanessa and all...

She's a mess.

She's got it bad.

Watch out!

I won't stand for this.

And your girl, damn it!

She know you're running around?

He's right, you're screwing up.

You joking?

Enough out of you!

You don't exist.
As for you,

I'm through with you.

We're decent guys!
We don't cheat on our women.

I'm off, forget about me!

Forget about me forever!

Okay, I apologize...

I pushed the envelope too far.

Sorry.

Don't be, you're right.

I'll tell her.

I'm the one messing up.

She's going to hate me.

I should've thought about it
beforehand.

That's exactly it:
Crisis + Communication = Control.

The three C's.

The famous 3 C's,
you warned me.

But she'll definitely hate me.

Yep, she'll hate you,

of course.
But less than now.

It's awful what you're doing.

She'll realize you're a bastard.

You decide
what kind of bastard you want to be.

I'll go tell her.

Shit!

It's crazy.

I know it, but I don't do it.

Know what I mean? I know.
You know? Yes? Yes, I know.

I know it, but I don't do it.

- You see?
- Yes, I see.

See what happens?

I know it, but I don't do it.

Does that happen to you?

No. But I can imagine what it's like.

I broke a glass.

Sorry, it's taken me a while,
but your DVD is ready.

So you're not avoiding me?

No, but I have something to tell you.

I'm trying to sort my life out.

Later.
I'm running late, I'm going nuts.

It's in 2 hours.

What's in 2 hours?

My first night.
We're opening tonight, Ben!

Shit, I'd completely forgotten.

I must tell you this important thing
today.

I still have 10,000 things to do,
shopping, etc. I'm gonna explode.

See you later?

Are you going to dress up?

Thanks. But walk a bit faster.

I'm sorry we're meeting like this.

I haven't told you
that important thing yet.

Oh, shit! Don't speak to that guy,
he's a freak.

Go on, I'll catch you up.

Not answering your in-law?

I couldn't, I was with clients.

Even now,
I'm with an important client.

What's that for?

Are you mad?

Paris.

- Get it?
- Come on now...

My life is a shambles.

- A shambles!
- Really?

A shambles!

Magalie's been on her high horse.

Since making the cover of Rugby Week

she thinks she's Jonny Wilkinson.

We're not getting on.

Right. As it's serious, you go up...

Know what she said this morning?

"Make me a coffee."

"Make me a coffee!"

Who do you think you are, Magalie?

I'm not your puppy, I'm not a wimp,
I'm not Ben.

That's not...

Sorry, I used you
in the heat of the moment.

Know what she replied?

Armand? Come on, Armand!

Hey, Armand!

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine.

- We're in a hurry, Ben.
- Yes, we're in a hurry.

Paris is a rat race.

Armand, artist, painter...

In search of a muse.

Nice to meet you. Vanessa.

Nice to meet you.

Armand, go up and relax.
Here are the keys.

Take it easy. Just relax, okay?

And here's my card.

I'm opening a restaurant tonight...

if you want to pay
a neighborly visit.

But of course!

Everything's turning out well.

Okay...
No it's not...

Nap time, Armand,
so you're up for the party.

- We're off to work.
- See you later, Ben Hur!

Thank you, miss!

You're welcome.

Go on upstairs!

See how I saved you from the freak?

- Was I good or what?
- Very good.

You're a doll.
I'll change and get us a drink.

Then tell me what you had to say.

Surprise!

Again?

We're all here. Look.

Just a second.

Not a word or they'll pester you.

Why, you told them about me?

So you're Ben?

I'm Vanessa's uncle.

- Nice work!
- What for?

Between us,
don't keep her waiting anymore.

She's nuts about you.

We want to see her happy.
Understand?

Good.

- What'd you tell them?
- Nothing.

They've been worried
since I came back.

So I told them I met someone nice.

And I left it vague.

No customers,
but at least there's family.

Ben, bring me your bank details, ID,

and your company's in business.

Hang on, just a minute.

Please! Martine, Hervé,
Georges, Sandrine, Sandra,

that's sweet, but I'm free lance

and I like it that way.
Maybe in a year.

Why be shy with us?

We're family, don't be shy.

It's for Vanessa, too, not just you.

Once you have kids, it'll be harder.

Do it before the first baby.

Just ask Raymond.

Take her to Deauville

this weekend.
The Jag's all yours!

I'm not taking anyone to Deauville.
I have a wedding.

Lay off with that car, Raymond.
You're scaring him!

You okay, Ben?

My little Ben...

Ben-Ben.

Armand...

Had a horrible nightmare!

It's all over.

Back in good old
Vanessa's restaurant,

with the family.

You'll be all right, Ben.

A pick-me-up?

He needs sugar. Some cake.

Yes, some cake.

Go on, get some sugar. You, too.

What'd you tell Vanessa?

Nothing. I'm distilling
an air of mystery about myself.

In the street earlier,

I was affable, funny, and now,

brick by brick,
I'm building a wall of contempt.

That's perfect! Don't say a word.

For now, Ben.

Feel better? Drink this,
it's bicarbonate.

He's sensitive.

I'm Vanessa's aunt.
Are you a friend of Ben's?

Pleased to me you. Armand.

I'm handling the wedding plans.

The wedding?
Aren't they rushing things?

Yes!
Come on, I'm going out for a smoke.

- I don't smoke.
- Come!

Like buddies.

I'd rather stay here.

Come!

Okay, I'm coming.

Nicotine doesn't make you

very pleasant.

Give that to him.

Armand, you can't stay here.

Why not? It's great fun.

The atmosphere is friendly, warm.

And they made mini-pizzas.

Screw the pizzas.

Hey, Ben-Hur, why shouldn't I stay?

Because of Magalie, Armand.

We're talking about Magalie here,

the jewel of your heart,
your reason to live.

She's your muse.

Even I love Magalie.
She leaves me speechless.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

You've never met her.
She was in jail from 2006 to 2008.

Then another 2 years
for purse-snatching.

What I mean is,
I've seen Magalie in your eyes.

I can see her right now.

In your paintings, in your tears.

She's in you,

she's like a scent.

A scent you must never wash off.

Oh, shit.

You know,

you opened my eyes.

You're right,
I'm wasting my time here.

I'll just kiss her goodbye.

Man, you're good.

I tried to snooker you with the kiss,

I didn't get the message.

If it's clear now, you should leave.

You'll thank me later.

Go on.

So long, prophet.

You okay? Feel better?

We're going to show your film.

I know the film.

But I...

I want a speech.

I'm not comfortable
with that sort of thing.

Please.

Vanessa...

we've known each other forever.

Since 6th grade, anyway.
You were serious,

hard-working...

even in Latin.
No, I took Latin.

- Tell her you love her, Ben.
- Oh, Georges!

Vanessa, I've always loved you,

since the first time I saw you,

from the moment I set eyes on you.

Even after you left,

you were a never-ending melody.

Idiotic but true.

I've never...

I've never

forgotten you.

But what I'm about to say might

upset a lot of people here.

Our wedding speech with another name?

My father said you were here.

I'm intruding.

He had already proposed.

We were to marry in a week.

But he's all yours...

He's family now.

Let go of me!

- What have you done, Ben?
- I tried...

Beat it.

Get lost.

Where's the lucky man?
Time for the big leap!

Ring, wedding cake,
I lead you to your princess.

I meet the mother-in-law.

Sylvain, Sylvano, The Slyve!
Cocktail...

What the hell's going on?

We'll be late for church.

Baby Jesus can't wait all day.

Get your 007 suit on.

Let's go!

The wedding's off.

It's off?

Wasn't it today?
It's in my Palm.

The wedding's off.
I wouldn't be here,

I'd be in Biarritz.

Where's the dead cat?

Cat?

Sylvain,

Juliette and Vanessa met.

- It's over.
- Shit!

I get it.

What about my surprise?

What surprise?

Come for a ride.

No thanks, Sylvain.

I'd rather be alone.

Poor Ben.

Your cutie dropped you.

I'm not gonna bawl in the street.

And I'm in a delivery zone.

Hey pal, I shouldn't be crying.
You should.

Come on.

I'm going to look after you.

You've let yourself go.

Go on, drink.

Drink, pal.

There. That's the way.

See this?

Nakatomi Plaza, Die Hard,
exact replica.

You're John McClane

and I'm your chauffeur: Argyle.

With that asshole Hans Gruber, too.

Let's celebrate your misery!

Look, a squirrel.

Looks good.

Turn a little.

Out of the way!

Hurry!

Don't do that again.
Come here!

You're impossible!

Is he eating?

Nothing! No more carbs.

Only liquids go down.

So I blend everything.

Sometimes he spits it out.

I got him a big bib.

He likes mush. He keeps that down.

He's better,
but still has a long way to go.

Stop that!

Therapy has limits. I'm not a pro.

I'm not surprised.

I understand why Juliette split.

He never lifted a finger.

I'm amazed she stayed so long.

He's unreliable.

No effort for his wedding.

You can't count on him.

He's no Belmondo!

You should see his toenails.
This long!

A wonder his shoes fit.

- What'll you do?
- I need shears or a grinder.

Not with his toenails, him.

I've called all the institutions
for guys like him,

society's rejects.

They won't take him,

say he's not potty-trained!

I can't blame them.

You could abandon him.

Impossible. I'm keeping him.

I looked into aid available
for home help,

for the disabled,
the needy,

people who smell.

You get 500 euros per month.
Not bad.

Good thing he's French.

Merkel's Germany
would be a different story.

It's better than nothing.

Finally,

he didn't become a married man,
but meeting Vanessa again,

he became a harried man.

Very true.

Thinking about it
I realize that's precisely

how to sum up his condition.

Don't go too far, Ben.

Leave him alone.

Are you kidding?

Why?

You don't know what he's capable of.
He's mad.

So how about my invite for Porticcio?

We'd have a great time. The little
house, the beach, Vinitt...

What's Vinitt?

How can I explain?

He's my houseboy.
He practically raised me.

He makes grilled cheese to die for.

Some day I'll do a book on him.

A mixture of anecdotes
and sketches... I love drawing him.

Go on, champ.

We'll sunbathe on Dad's boat...

- What're you doing here?
- Just one word.

I'm working, Ben.

I changed the music

to liven things up.

BEN HAS CHANGED

BALANCED DIET

HOME HYGIENE

PAPERWORK IN ORDER

FORGIVE ME

Well done, Ben.

We all see
you're trying to grow up...

but I don't care.

What do you want?

Never to see you again.

Okay, never see me again.

Actually, it's not okay.

This time, I disagree.

And for once, I'll say what I want.

First, what I don't want.

I don't want to marry
in Biarritz. I know no one there.

I don't want Viking sauce,

it's moronic.

I don't want you to do everything

so I can never do as well as you.

Don't make excuses for me.
I want to argue.

Don't treat me as a child anymore,
even if it's easier for me.

Couldn't you tell me straight?

Why go off with her?

I went off with no one.

That girl is Vanessa Bestel,

my junior
and senior high school fantasy,

she never looked at me.
Now she's back in Paris,

and I'm her only friend.
I figured...

I figured nothing.
Like a fool

I tried to take revenge on my past,

letting a bygone desire steer me.

I've always been steered.

By your dad
who paints my dick, by you,

by him.

Today, I'm saying what I want.

No, today I know what I want.

I want to be with you.

- Listen, fella...
- You shut your trap.

Back off and shut up!

Take it easy.

What d'you say?

You agree?

I agree.

Let's have some applause!

Cell phone,

keys,

wallet.

Cell phone, keys, wallet.

Well!

- Well? Tell me I look smart.
- You do. Let's go.

You didn't say it right.

You look very smart.

You're not so bad yourself.

She's here, I can't.

Stay with me. Don't worry.

I dropped off Sylvain's gift.
Gotta run, 35 bookings tonight.

- How are you?
- Fine.

Vanessa, this is Juliette.

This is embarrassing.

Vanessa, you ready?

I'm coming.

Turn around and I'll smash you.

Sylvain and Sophie
are getting hitched today.

They have a rendezvous
with mad love...

Should I close with this joke?

You're best man, you work it out.

I get it. Jealous all the way.

Aren't you pretty.

You're beautiful!

It's mad love!

- How're you?
- Congrats.

Thanks. Welcome.

Magnificent. Really.
I kiss your hand.

Congratulations.

Isn't that guy a killer?

Him?

We sing gospel together.

You should hear him sing "Jesus"...

He can sure belt it out.

- Isn't this beautiful?
- Superb!

We were almost late.

He really banged me at Mom's.

You can't say that at your wedding.

He's wild.
He fucked me like an animal.

You're sick.

I'm telling you I'm in love,
you dummy.

We've got a glass-bottom boat...

Where've you been?

Behind you. As usual.

This is Monique,
head of a hotel in Mauritius.

We're honeymooning there.
Ben,

give him special care.

When's your wedding?

- Not right away.
- He's still undecided.

You'll be welcome.

Thanks, that's sweet, Monique.

- Can I steal him a moment?
- Sure.

What's going on?

Sylvain...

Yes?

I have to tell you.

I never

went to Qatar for oil,
I never flew to Singapore,

I never had my mother amputated,
my dog never...

I know, duckie.

That doesn't matter.

What matters is you're here.

Look around, enjoy.

Juliette.

Your father's starting a fight.

Ben!

You're in trouble.
I'll make you eat those glasses!

- What?
- Stop it.

He won't give me my kebabs.
Is this a wedding or not?

Where were you, anyway?

Don't leave me alone, I'm fragile.

What's going on?

Did you tell him about Magalie?

No, because it's getting ridiculous.

What about Magalie?

She's dead.

- She's dead?
- Yes, she's dead.

Magalie's dead?

What happened?

One stickup too many.

They'd wiretapped her for 3 months.

She got shot by 53 cops.

In her coffin
there was nothing but lasagna.

I'd told her! "Time to quit,
calm down, lay down arms!"

She wouldn't listen.

That's how we know that...

Magalie...

was a hell of a guy. Shit!

Sorry, Armand,
I didn't know.

Don't be silly, it's great.
I'm free again!

I met someone.

Okay, Dad, that's enough.

Can't say anything anymore.

But it's true, I can't talk about it.

You can't?

I'll tell you anyway.

It's Cyndi Lauper, the singer.

- Cyndi Lauper?
- Cyndi Lauper the singer.

Love at first sight in Montpellier.

I was in the first row,
she came on stage,

she started to sing a tune.

She looked at me
and suddenly forgot all the words.

- Looking at you?
- Looking at me.

Since then we're at the Sofitel,
like two fugitives.

Me and Cyndi.

So you're with Cyndi Lauper?

I'm with Cyndi Lauper now.

I'm in showbiz.

Blows you away?

Well yeah, a little.

I'll fetch your kebabs.

Please.

Ladies and gents,
your attention, please.

First I'd like to thank
"Charly and his band."

Sorry, it's "Charly and the band."

I stand corrected.

Now that we've downed a few...

Right, Catherine?

Let's get ready for summer, lose
some calories on the dance floor.

Make way for love, for tenderness.

Ladies and gents,
a word to the wise...

DJ, let's have it.

Why sit there staring?
Ask her to dance!

Sure, but she's too pretty.

Now's the time, not in 10 years.

What if she says no?

At least you'll have tried.

For my father
and Valérie Benguigui

Subtitles:
Cynthia Schoch & Lenny Borger

Subtitling: Eclair Media