Original subtitles

His dad's had a stroke. Speech gone, paralysed. He might die.

Good.

lf you could sign this. lt states that you won't make a claim for any inheritance.

There you go. Thanks, Mum.

We're celebrating. We've just got engaged.

Pass the word round.

Wedding fever. Clever little bastard.

(Vince) 'l'll bet you he gets that job instead of me.

'Marriage means promotion guaranteed and he knows it.'

l'd look at you, 14 years old, hormones all over,

you'd have shagged a letter box. But not him

(Stuart) Nope. You've got to fancy him.

Love can fuck off.

lf you fancy him, there's blood, there's a hard-on.

'lf you just love him, no blood.'

You know what Phil used to say? That you were saving me till your old age.

So the day l shag you, l'm old.

l'd better warn you...

l'm on this medication.

- l'm taking these pills. - What for?

- Me stomach. - That's all right.

Yeah... (Gasping)

But the thing is...

these pills...

(Groans) Oh, God...

They sort of...

Jesus... They do things to me.

They make me... They make me spunk...

They make me spunk...

(Gasping) Me spunk...

Orange.

l'll just go give 'em a brush, l had garlic bread.

- Shall l go through? - Oh, living room on the left,

bedroom on the right.

Don't be long.

(Retches)

(Retches)

- You all right? - Oh, fine, thanks.

Can't stand toothbrushes. Sorry.

(Retches) Horrible things.

Oh, my God, is that the time?

- l'd better go. - ln a minute.

Really, l'd better go.

Oh, come on.

(Horn honks)

lt's three in the morning! The entire street wakes up.

- ls that it? - lt was so loud!

And that's the punch line?

- That is pathetic. - lt was brilliant!

All these people looking out and l'm there snogging this bloke!

- That's not a story. - He gets Toothbrush Man

l get a man with spunk like a Tellytubby and you haven't even started.

- So young. - He gave me his phone number.

D'you think l should phone him or should l wait for him to phone me?

How should l know?

- He's never phoned anyone. - You know how it works.

- Problem page, ''Dear Stuart...'' - Shut up.

Wise old man, that's you.

- You're so not funny. - Look, he's pissed off.

Look, he's really pissed off!

- Now that's funny. Nice one. - (Both laugh)

Look at his face!

(Laughter)

- Me too. - Good luck then.

And you. May the best ''man''... and all that.

Guess what he's done.

He's gone and bought shares in the company! 300 quids' worth!

And he just happened to tell that Mrs Fletcher - in passing.

- He's fighting dirty, Vince. - l don't care. l'm gonna get that job.

(Bernard) Don't you know the colour?

(Hazel) lt's got a Virgin Mary on the dashboard.

lf Vince finds out he'll murder you.

We need this promotion more than he does.

lf you spent more money on rent and less on rent boys...

That's the one!

Bless the Catholic boy.

Ready?

(Alarm honking)

- Graham? - Mm?

lt's your car, the alarm's gone off.

- (Alarm honking) - Here he is!

- Did you get it? - Shit and buggery!

(Hazel) What happened? (Bernard) l don't know.

He's going to do it again! Give it here!

- (Alarm beeps) - Yes!

lf this doesn't work, leg it.

- Nice work, Mrs Peel. - Thank you, Steed.

Stage two.

- There's nothing about websites. - Exactly!

lf they upgraded their streaming media they could whip Tesco's.

l'm only head of personnel, you should see the duty manager.

- Two minutes, that's all l need. - ..the hypermarket at 1 7�/o...

Trolleys everywhere. lf we'd crashed - there could've been children!

l'm very sorry, l can only apologise,

- Mrs...? - Peel.

l'll have a word with the staff...

Thank you for alerting me to the problem.

Well, l won't take it further but my husband's very upset.

- Aren't you, Bernard? - Oh, aye.

Off you go, Magda wants the porn back. She's having a party.

You both did very well but there's only one job,

- it's a shame you can't both succeed. - Absolutely.

Yeah, pity. l'd better, erm...

You got it then? Well?

He's got it!

(Both yelling excitedly)

ln five years you'll be manager - how boring is that?

- Oi! - (Stuart) We should celebrate.

Hey, Nathan, have you ever done a threesome?

No. l got asked by this couple in London but they were both ugly.

D'you fancy giving it a go?

Yeah.

Right, then, off we go. Us three.

- ln your dreams. - You'd do it? Part of your education.

- l don't mind. - Would you hell.

- l'm up for anything. - The perfect threesome.

- l'd rather have a wank. - You, me and Nathan.

(Laughs) That'd be so brilliant!

l'd just go for it, yeah?

See, that's the problem with Vince. He doesn't want sex...

he wants a wife!

Listen, whoever ends up with me, he's a very lucky man.

God help him.

- What's all this in aid of? - You're not a good catch, are you?

- l suppose you are? - No one's gonna catch me.

So, er, how many men have you had now?

Dunno. About...seven?

- Seven. l must've had about 2,007. - Yeah?

That means l've got 2,000 to go.

How many have you got left?

(School bell)

- Oi, Nathan, is it your birthday? - What if it is?

- You havin' a party? - None of your business.

ls it on Canal Street with all your queer friends?

l've seen him, it's where he goes. Queer Street.

He's been watchin' us in the showers. Tossin' himself off.

l'd sooner toss myself off a cliff.

Oh, you want some of this? Come on AlDS boy, suck me off.

- He's got a stiffy. - You'd know all about that.

He fancies me. Sir, Nathan Maloney fancies me! Tell him!

- He's a poof, sir. A queer. - That's a fact, sir. Keeps on lookin'.

He fancies us. Look in his bag, he's got lipstick.

- Piss off! - Nathan, enough of that language.

Me? What about them?

l said, that's enough!

He's a faggot, man.

Queer.

(Janice) He sent you a card. He never remembers my birthday.

ls that all l get, a card? Off my own father?

l'll give him a ring tomorrow.

He might have put some money in your bank account.

Bet he hasn't though.

- Hiya! - Happy birthday. That's from us.

You've got to say 18 - if they find out l'm 16 they'll chuck us out.

lt's Nathan's night - someone has to lie.

Hey, there's food. l'm starving.

l bet it's all meat. l was tricked into a Twiglet yesterday.

You don't have to stand there all night.

Amaretto, this'll put us in the mood. l found it in my clothes.

Go and enjoy yourselves, l'll be baby-sitting.

Bring him, it's a kid's party - jelly and ice cream.

Pass the parcel in Via Fossa - good few packages in there.

- Want one? - l'm not drinking.

Sod it, let's not go. Take him back to the lesbians and go to Poptastic.

- (Doorbell) - That's for me.

Vincent Tyler's taking charge - deputy manager.

He's power mad. He's blockaded the SuperNoodles.

lt's the most boring job in the world.

- Somebody call an ambulance? - lt's me. l've got the bottle.

l only took 'em ten minutes ago.

- l had a Kit Kat, does that count? - Right, let's get you seen to.

- You walking all right? - Yeah, l'm fine.

- What you doing? - l'm a twat, l'm sorry. l'll be fine.

- (Woman) You coming with him? - What's this?

Just sod off, go to the party. l'm sorry, OK?

- He's gone and done it again. - You twat!

- l know! - Are you coming?

Like l've got a choice.

Stupid fucking cunt.

(Crying)

Where we going?

Let's tell his mother the good news.

Hiya! l'm here.

- Hello, Bernie. - Sorry, the others got held up.

My fault, l was shaving me back and they all joined in.

And Alexander got called into work.

Here you go - didn't have time to wrap it but happy birthday.

Thanks. Was Stuart there?

l think so. Any money behind the bar?

Just say you're with Nathan's party. Only wines and beers, though.

l've got a watch.

- Hiya! - Who's that?

Stuart's secretary.

Oh, right. Sends his secretary, that's nice of him.

Maybe he'll appear by satellite link.

- Hiya. ls Stuart coming? - l'd be the last to know.

lf it isn't about his dry-cleaning he tells me sod all.

Yeah, but d'you think he's gonna come?

Not if he's found something better, no.

You don't even like him!

Don't.

Let's go home.

- Come with me. - Does she deserve it?

- You'll make it worse. - Does she deserve it?

You can't!

Watch me.

Yeah. You'd like that.

l've spent years watching you.

Coward.

Coward!

l've got a message from your son.

l'd appreciate it if you didn't come to my house.

l don't think we've got anything to say to each other.

Just one thing.

Bang!

(& Geri Halliwell: Mi Chico Latino)

Vince! Don't tell me, Stuart hasn't bothered.

No.

Yes. He's upstairs. He's just gone to Manto's.

l was with him. He's coming back. Er, but he was here.

Yeah, l bet. Jimmy!

Party face on.

(& Shaft: Mucho Mambo)

- You're late! Got me a present? - No.

Get me a mobile phone if you want.

& Hold me close, sway me more

& When marimba rhythms start to play

& Dance with me, make me sway... &

Bang!

Oh, shit.

Come back to mine.

(Sighs)

- l'll stay with Mum. She's worn out. - Both come. Both come back.

She deserved it.

l know! But tell her to fuck off! You're always telling them to fuck off!

- lt's not enough any more. - lt is!

You can't go and... There's people relying on me - Mum and that house!

l end up paying the mortgage every other month - they don't earn tuppence!

You're on your own.

Suits me. You're just straight, Vince.

You're a straight man who fucks men, that's all.

(Man) Night, Arnie. See ya!

Sorry.

(Teacher) Abbott. (Boy) Here.

- Baxter. - Here.

- Collins. - Here.

- Davis. - Here.

Nathan, what time do you call this?

One minute past nine, sir. Why?

- Cos you're late, that's why! - How was the party?

- Did you get it up your arse? - He probably can't sit down.

Party full of queers. Makes me sick.

- All right, settle down. Edgar. - (Boy) Here.

- Fraser. - Here.

- Hobbs. - Here.

- Johnson. - Here.

- Jones. - Here.

- Maloney. - Queer.

(Laughter)

- l beg your pardon? - l said ''queer''.

- l'm aware of that. - Oh. That's a miracle.

Cos they say it and you don't hear a thing.

- l don't like your tone. - l don't like yours.

lf you want to make something out of this, sir, that's fine.

Go on, send me to the headmaster.

l'd love it.

There's plenty l can tell him.

l can get my mother in, she'd love it. She'd love to meet you, sir.

D'you wanna do that? Go on, take it further.

- McVerry. - Here.

- Mulhearn. - Here.

- Nicholls. - Here.

They were just kids. They were running away.

Mrs Perry never saw any kids.

Sweethearts, l can't boil an egg, how the fuck do you blow up a car?

So it was a coincidence, you being there?

You should see my Jeep. You can tell Mrs Perry l'm gonna sue.

She's not keen on pressing charges.

l think there are family things she'd rather not talk about.

- Oh, get her. - lt's not her decision. Criminal damage.

We won't be letting it drop.

Hang on, erm, l better give you my card. lt's got my mobile on it.

l don't think l'm gonna be around much longer, time for a change of scene.

- Anywhere in particular? - London.

The clubs are fab.

(Romey) l've got that project in Brixton, l'm always there.

He'll enjoy it. We'll manage.

So what's brought all this about?

Big fish in a small pond.

lt's so small.

l'm friends with a sixteen-year-old boy. lt's time to leave.

Vince could get transferred. He could afford London - he's on a good wage.

He'd just hold me back. Standing there, disapproving.

- And you love it. - l've got things l wanna do.

And he's just...he's not... he's not good enough!

Oh, you've argued again. You two are like a married couple.

- We're not shagging. - That's marriage.

Another reason to go.

l bet he moves to London. What's he said?

Go on, what's he said?

Oh, for Christ's sake, you haven't even told him?

(Raucous laughter)

(Alexander) ''..that's a funny bed bath, what sort of nurse are you?''

He says, ''Nurse? l work in the tuck shop!''

- George Sapieka went to hospital... - Not this one! Give up!

& Don't you know it's true what they say

& That life, it ain't easy

& But your time's coming around

& So don't you stop trying... &

- Evening. - Evening. Two gin and tonics, please.

- You going out clubbing? - Why do you wanna know?

Just keeping tabs on my son.

lf you're going clubbing, Nathan's going clubbing.

His master's voice. Don't know what he sees in you.

Yeah, you do.

lt's not what l call a hairstyle. And as for the walk.

- Thank you. - Pleasure.

Still, time was Nathan thought you were boyfriend material.

Now you're better than that - you're God.

What am l supposed to do about that?

- Leave? - Don't you dare, he'll only follow.

And he's done enough running away.

Thanks for the drinks.

Pleasure.

& But your time's coming around

& So don't you stop trying

& Don't stop, never give up &

Never did give you that present.

l'll have a mobile phone.

Hmm. l can do better than that.

(Both breathing heavily)

- 16... - Shut up.

Oh, don't...don't...

Oh, fuck...

Sorry.

lt's OK.

- Do you want me to finish you off? - No, it's all right.

Anyway, the night's still young.

l'm really sorry.

& l don't know what l'd do if you ever left me

& Tell me how would l make it

& l don't know what l'd do if you ever left me

& My heart couldn't take it... &

Nathan, l'm off home. lf you need a lift give me a ring.

Might go to Dante's.

- Course you will. With Stuart. - l don't know.

lt's embarrassing being seen with him all the time.

Up close, he's looking dead old.

He'd kill you for saying that!

He wouldn't have the strength.

Right, Dante's, quick visit?

Ooh, l've not copped off for five weeks - ever since l got contact lenses.

Coming?

Yeah. Yeah, all right. Might as well.

Be bad.

- What am l, charity? - Yeah, erm...

Me and Vince, we were going out one night and...

- robbed a tenner from your purse. - You cheeky sods!

Hang on, when were you last short of a tenner?

(& Urban Cookie Collective: The Key: The Secret)

The sad twat's wearing cheesecloth. ls cheesecloth back?

Never went away, disguised itself as linen.

Steven Polack! He was after me last Mardi Gras!

He tried to snog me. l'm in there.

l should go. Big meeting tomorrow.

l'm up early. Got to go to London.

He's in. l hate seeing him.

First time here he was a kid. Then he got all muscles, then he went mad.

He's been with that bloke five years now.

Never said a word. We nod.

- l've had him. - You've had 'em all.

- Been here far too long. - Telling me.

Oh, God, they're all in!

There's Colin - l had him that last night at Flesh.

(Laughs) Oh, God. l had that suit.

l liked that suit. You looked good.

Didn't half wanna shag you.

Long time ago.

l should go.

But then again...

One last fling.

Good luck. Not that you'll need it.

(Vince laughs)

Do you remember that little friend of his? That girl?

- Yeah. - He didn't need her in the end.

His best friend and he didn't need her.

Clever boy.

l'm off. London calling.

- London? - Yeah.

Been here far too long.

Still, we've had a laugh.

And the rest.

- See you then. - Not if l see you first.

& l've got the key, l've got the secret

& l've got the key to another way

& l've got the key... &

Fat Daniel said that Raymondo's back in town.

- Hm? - Hypothermia my arse.

l don't think he's even got a mother.

This tea tastes like fish.

Who's on GMTV?

Kriss Akabusi. lf l had a pound for every time that man laughed...

You see, l preferred it when it was TV-AM.

Wincey Willis. l wonder what happened to her...

Ooh, Treasure Hunt, Anneka Rice...

Hello, Stuart Jones's office.

- 'Sandra, it's Hazel.' - l'll have to stop that.

lt's not his office. l was gonna phone you.

'lt's about Vince - tell him to keep in touch.

'He's still got some of my CDs.'

Oh, l bet he's gonna miss him.

- Miss who? - Stuart.

Sell it.

Sally, did you read the memo about wasting company time?

Sorry.

Coffee?

(Beeps)

'Hiya, this is Vince, sorry, l can't take your call right now.'

(Phone)

- Yes, can l help you? - l need to speak to Vincent Tyler.

- 'He's in a meeting.' - lt's urgent.

- Could you tell him it's his mother. - Mrs Tyler?

- 'Yes, that's right.' - The famous Mrs Tyler.

Mrs Tyler, could l ask you, were you in this store on the 14th?

Look, whoever you are, l've got to speak to Vince.

And did you have a meeting with the head of personnel on the 14th

because l'd like to know what happened on that day.

Bernie!

- Let me get me trousers on! - What for? Who's looking?

Fly, my pretties! Fly!

Sorry, it's compulsory.

Supervisor Delicatessen becomes Front Line Manager Delicatessen.

Assistant Supervisors become Assistant Front Line Managers.

(Clears throat)

Right, l know it's a pain but there's a good reason

cos all the Front Line Managers

and Assistant Front Line Managers, erm...

can get six weeks a year in administration.

Right, so you can choose six weeks in one block,

two blocks of three weeks or three blocks of two.

Nathan!

- Telephone. Says it's urgent. - Who is it?

Call yourself a gay man? There's a great big palaver and you're missing it!

We're still gonna do individual product promotion - the lPP scheme -

but from now on you're responsible for finding your own individual product.

And we need your name and chosen product...

so that goes to the Front Line Manager...

by Thursday.

Right, erm... Oh, l've said that already.

Chosen product to Line...

lf you could finish we've got a store to run. Thank you, Vince.

lt's Mrs Peel, isn't it?

- l think you'll find that's Mrs Tyler. - lt's Tyler-Peel. We're from Cheshire.

- Sorry, i-it's my mother. - lt's a real emergency.

- l need a word with Vince. - You met this woman on the 14th...

- Graham, sit down. - The day of the interview.

- Stuart's leaving, not coming back. - l know, l'm not stupid.

- He's going to London! - lt's about time he did! Leave it...

- Vince, l'd like a word. - Something happened on the 14th.

l demand that you talk to this...creature.

Oi! That's my mother.

And that's your problem, Vince.

Graham, as a friend of mine is very fond of saying...

- fuck off! - (Graham) Ohh! That's nice!

That's how the deputy manager reacts - listen to that.

A fine family, all of 'em.

You know what?

He's right.

Fuck off isn't enough.

- Marcie. - Yes, sir?

The floor's yours and the subject is Christmas '99.

Thank you, Mr Chairman. Right, point of order,

if Graham Beck is so keen on the truth why doesn't he tell his fianc�e

that Christmas '99 he shagged me in refrigeration?

- l knew it! - lt felt like refrigeration.

- l did not - l swear to God. - Small dick!

That's him! Come here, bastard!

(Claire) Sit down! (Marcie) And Vanessa - she's had him.

Bang.

Vince?! Where are you going?

London.

Oh, my God, l'm going to London!

See ya!

Out the way, l'm driving! You're too slow.

You haven't passed your test!

That's why l'm not slow!

- (Bernard) Oi! - Excess baggage!

(& Colonel Bogey played on kazoos)

(Hazel) Come on, what's going on?!

- How long is this gonna be? - Just take it easy.

Crikey. Mate, back up!

- l can't! - Back up!

- l can't! - Who the fuck invented the kazoo?

Sixteen years, you two.

- Nathan Maloney was just being born. - (Sighs)

Remind me again, who was it taught you to drive?

Stuart Alan Jones. My 40th birthday.

And how much did you learn?

l learned the lot.

Hold it! Hold it!

(Screaming)

(Honks horn)

He's not gay!

(Siren wailing)

(Siren winding down)

l've got to go. l've really got to go!

No one's going anywhere. Just calm down, sir.

l was driving! He's done nothing wrong!

You're in enough trouble, don't add resisting arrest.

(Policeman) What they saying back at base?

Never mind him, look after yourself.

lf l've got to be arrested it might as well be worth it.

How's that, love?

- Bloody hell! - Come on, let's have you.

Run, you daft bastard!

Nice try. You're not coming.

l'll do what l like.

You're not.

lt'll just be you and me, Stuart and Vince, an old married couple.

Not a shag in sight. l'm not settling down, ever.

London though? London's rubbish. Kids go to London.

Where else is there?

l'd go out. Straight ahead and out.

Keep moving. You can't settle down if you don't stop.

l've been thinking about this for years. Press the button.

Dematerialise. Step out. New planet.

Says the supermarket boy.

l'm on the run - from the police.

- Don't be so camp. - Watch it.

- All your dependents of yours. - They'll survive.

And l won't?

You might not.

No passengers. You let me down, l'll kill you.

Not if l kill you first.

So what are we waiting for?

- Happy birthday. - What are you doing?

- We're off! - Off where?

Where do you think, young fella me lad?

lnto the headlines!

You might finally get that shag.

Oh, give up, stop chasing me(!)

- But you're coming back? - What, come back to this?

The ghetto? Alleyways stinking of piss, beggars in every doorway,

straights and students coming to look at the freak show?

All the idiots saving all the stupid money from their stupid jobs

to shoot their load with some stranger?

- (Thunder rumbles) - Just you look after it,

this stupid little street.

lt's the middle of the world.

Cos on a street like this, every single night,

anyone can meet anyone and every night someone meets someone.

lt's all yours now.

All of them. All the poofs and all the dykes

and all the people in between.

And this lot, they'll shag you, they'll rob you.

Some of them might even love you. And they'll all forget you in the end.

- Stick with your friends, you'll be fine. - You fuck it up and l'll come back.

Oh...

my...

God!

- Faggots. - Excuse me?

What did you say?

You heard me.

Cos l better warn you, my friend's got a hell of a temper.

Once he's off. So...what did you say?

l said...

Faggots.

What do you think?

Blood.

Hold on a tick.

Bit deaf, mate - too many nights out clubbing.

So, one more time, what did you say?

Nothin'.

And one more word, beginning with ''S''.

Sorry.

Maybe next time.

Fuck off.