Original subtitles

(Door shuts)

- (Stuart) Do you want a drink? - (Remote bleeps)

- (Man) What have you got? - Everything.

l'll have a whisky.

Must be nice, living on Canal Street.

lt saves time.

l've seen you round. Are you two a couple or what?

No. We go back years. We were in school.

So is this what you do then -

threesomes?

- First time. - At your age?

First time together.

lf you two want to shag, l'm not just an extra cock, if you know what l mean.

Thing is, if he gets his kit off, l'm just gonna be laughing.

(Stuart) That's good sex.

- Not much happening down there. - Give it time.

- (Mobile phone) - Oh, sorry. Didn't switch it off.

Hello?

Oh, my God. When did that happen?

(Sighs) Gotta go.

So, what did they do?

lt's my neighbour. Someone's broken in downstairs.

Yeah, l'm coming now.

l'll have to check the flat.

Fuck off, then.

(Distant siren)

(Quiet music, chatting)

- Hey, how you doing, love? - Jimmy Clifton, you owe me a tenner.

- Oi, it's women on Tuesdays. - Don't tell me, tell your wife.

- Nice leathers, Hazel, must be boiling. - lt's like a sauna in here.

- Stuart Alan Jones. - (Man) Jesus.

You have a wank, l'll get the coffee.

Hazel Tyler and guest.

Vincent Tyler and guest.

- Who's he gonna take instead of you? - No, no chance.

His sister's wedding, though. You know what he's like in front of that lot.

- Yeah, l do, a twat. - So go with him.

lt's a big do, loads of people. You're not gonna look like a couple,

if that's what bothers you.

They've found Nathan.

Nathan who?

That's not all l've been told.

Three of you last night. Three of you left the club.

You, Vince and the shag, everyone's saying.

So?

Do us all a favour - cut out the middle man.

We've got the same dad. He married this woman, Yvonne. l was about six.

- She's loaded, Yvonne. She sells boats. - What's the sister called?

- Judith. - Oh.

There's a woman down our road getting married. She's not called Judith.

- (Rosalie) Do you get on? - Hardly know her.

- Why's that, then? Bad blood? - No, she lives in Macclesfield.

Er, if you're in the pub after work, there's a couple of drinks on me.

Sally's going to be there. We're celebrating. We've just got engaged.

Pass the word round.

Wedding fever. Clever little bastard.

You know Sally out of marketing? We're engaged.

l'll bet you he gets that job instead of me.

Cos he gets married - mortgage, kids, kitchen extension -

and the company loves it.

He might as well marry the shop.

lt's promotion guaranteed and he knows it. Bastard.

Who gives a shit? lt's a supermarket, Vince.

- 'Thanks very much.' - You don't mind? l'll be back by three.

- Try and make it two, will you? - (Whispers) Good boy.

Oh, yeah. They've found Nathan.

'Nathan who? Guess where Graham and Sally first met?'

Church. They took communion, side by side.

Just the games. Don't mess with my work stuff.

- OK. - Right, don't make a mess.

Thanks a million. lf that's Vince, say hello.

- That's Marie. She says hello. - Hiya.

'l've got the kids, it's taking her forever to move.'

- Personal call? - No, it's the distributors.

Right, l'll be in touch. Thanks.

There's a memo on its way.

Your interview's on the 14th.

We've narrowed it down to two. Yourself and Graham.

Marvellous news about the engagement.

Oh, l was chuffed to bits.

l thought the company could pay for drinks tonight. Make it a bit of a party.

Mind you, it's a party every night for you lot.

- Uncle Stuart? - Don't call me ''uncle''.

Old men are called ''uncle''.

This boy at school, he's selling all his Tomb Raider stuff.

25 quid.

l thought l gave you a tenner last week.

lt's good, this, l like Big Cock City.

Nan and Grandad don't know, do they?

You're a poof and they don't know.

25 quid or l'm telling.

- Benjamin, do you want chips? - Yeah!

Go to McTucky's on the corner and get us some chips, whatever you want.

My treat.

That's 25 quid. lt won't cost that much.

- Keep the change. - l'll go with him.

- No, you won't. - l'll get millions of chips.

Get off me! Get off me!

Get off me! No!

No! No! Get off me!

Get off me!

- (Toilet flushes) - 25 quid of this, you fucker.

Now clean yourself up, we've got chips on the way.

You're gonna pay. You're so gonna pay.

l want 50 quid.

A week, every week.

Thomas. You've lost, now give it a rest.

l'm telling my dad, cos he wants access. My mum won't let him have access.

Cos he's going to court.

l'm telling him you touched me.

Just then. You bloody touched me!

You pervert! You bloody pervert!

l want 50 quid.

No, make it 100 quid.

(Door slams)

& We're gonna use it up We're gonna wear it out

& Ain't nothing left in this whole world l care about... &

You've been on answerphone all day. What've you been up to?

Nothing special, you know?

Same old stuff.

- What we doing? - Start off in the Union? Same old stuff.

(& Rick Astley: Never Gonna Give You Up)

Oh! Rick Astley. l love this. l used to fuck toilet rolls thinking of him.

- lt was Tommy Steele for me. - Little White Bull.

l remember you dribbling in front of Dukes Of Hazzard.

l thought, ''He's not looking at Daisy Duke.''

l wanted to shag the second Dukes of Hazzard.

l fancied Boss Hogg.

(Hazel) When it finished, you were off to the toilet.

- Mum! - You can fancy them all you want

but l've shagged someone famous.

- No! Who? - (All) Who?

- Hiya. - Piss off, Anakin Skywalker, we're busy.

Who, you bastard? You're not moving back to Hazel's, that room's mine.

- Did you miss me? - Have you been somewhere?

Who was it? You never told me.

- You're kidding. - No.

Did he still have the puppet?

lrene Lonsdale, look at you.

(Hazel) Did you leave your friend lap dancing in London?

Her mum won't let her out

and she's making her change classes, like it's all my fault.

(Hazel) lt is your fault. (Nathan) Yeah but...

Yeah but what? Christ, you're an idiot. What are you having?

- Can of Breaker. - You can have a Diet Coke and like it.

- (Tuts) - Look, they've got a G-A-Y at Paradise,

Monday night. Should be good.

- Can't. l'm going to a wedding. - Since when?

- Oh, all right, l'll go with the kid. - No, no, that's brilliant. Thanks.

Whose wedding?

Family.

Steady the buffers, boys, he's drunk. Lock up your daughters.

Leave your sons at the front door. Here he is!

- (Cheering, whooping) - Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Pass me another boy, this one's split!

(Man) Come on, give it some stick, girl.

& The boys watch the girls While the girls watch the boys

& Who watch the girls go by

& Eye to eye

& They solemnly convene to make the scene... &

- How much do you need? - Hundred quid?

(Sighs) OK.

l'm still paying the bill for next door's dog.

l'd ask Bernie but they stopped his overtime.

What about him? Useless bloody lodger.

- He spends enough on vodka. - Mm.

- Reckon he needs it. - & Eyes watch, girls walk

& With tender loving care

& We're keeping track of the fact Watching them watching back

& That makes the world go round... &

- Heard you ran away. - No. Just went to London for a bit.

Didn't phone me.

- & Music to watch girls by... & - Had a great time Saturday.

You missed it. Guess who l shagged?

- & La la la la, la la la... & - Yeah?

He's good.

- What time do you finish? - Why?

Why do you think?

& Guy talk and ''girl talk''

& lt happens everywhere

& Eyes watch girls walk

& With tender loving care

& lt's keeping track of the fact Watching them watching back

& That makes the world go round... &

- lt's just kids in here. - What about him?

Yeah, not bad. Do you like him?

Not for me, for you.

l thought it was, er, for both of us.

Take him back to yours...

l've gotta stick with Mum. Gotta take Alexander home.

Coward.

His dad's had a stroke. Speech gone, paralysed.

Sounds bad. He might die.

Good.

Yeah.

Midnight, got that?

And look after the house. No crack cocaine while l'm gone.

Yes, milady.

Just behave, all right? None of your antics. Just behave.

- That's you, that is. - You, he means.

- Just you behave. - Behave yourself.

(Woman) l'm telling you...

- (& Vivaldi: The Four Seasons) - Fantastic.

Vince! Oh!

Hey, l smell a free bar.

- Look at you. - Oh, my God, you look marvellous.

- Oh, Hazel, oh! - Oh!

l thought you'd got lost. Most of them have got lost.

Oh, it's so nice to see you. l'm so glad you came.

Oh, and it's Stuart. Hello. You handsome sod, come here.

Oh, l'm so glad you came! Adrian, he's here.

Adrian!

Might as well show him who's boss, he can't escape now.

He got my name wrong. The vicar.

He called me Janet. l couldn't stop laughing.

Look, it's Vince, he came, isn't that fantastic?

- Oh, and you've met Hazel. - Come here.

lt's not often l get the chance.

Congratulations.

Oh, and you haven't met Stuart.

l told you, remember? Stuart's Vince's boyfriend.

Adrian, Stuart. Stuart, Adrian.

- A pleasure. Hello. - Hello.

- (Woman) Hiya, Judy! - Suki! You came!

Adrian, meet Suki, she's my best friend. l haven't seen her for years.

l'll go and find your dad.

l never said that we're boyfriends. She-she just...

What?

- Don't you dare. - l bet you a thousand quid.

Please. Don't shag the bridegroom, please.

Excuse me. Sorry. Mind your backs.

Now, then.

Ah. You.

You're doing well, your mother was saying.

l'm going for this job, yeah. They asked me to apply.

lt's mine already. Deputy manager.

- lt's good. - Well, that's marvellous.

l'm buying a house. Looking in Didsbury.

lt's smart, it's nice.

lf you need any help... l've paid all this for Judith, l could chip in.

l mean, you're not, er...

Well, you're never going to marry. So, er...

Yeah, but Dad, she deserves it. She's done so well.

Yes, but we've always had to push her.

You, you've made your own way.

'Ere, try that. lt's brandy, gin and vodka.

lt's called a Jill Dando. One shot goes straight to your head.

- Adrian's nice. - Yes, he's a good enough lad.

- We'll see, we'll see. - Course, we might get a house together.

Cos Stuart's loaded. He's got tons of money.

- Together? - We've talked about it.

Judith always said the two of you were...

l said, ''They're just friends.'' She said, ''Don't be so daft.''

We'll see. Might change my mind.

Well, like l said, if you need any help.

- He's rich. - Well.

Cheers, then. Here's to you.

- To both of you. - Cheers.

Been avoiding me?

No.

Still going down Canal Street?

What if l am?

Some right twats down there.

- Yeah. - lt's all right, though.

lt's not bad.

- Got myself this boyfriend. - Yeah?

Yeah. He's all right.

Yeah? Where's he from?

- Longsight. - Oh, yeah?

He's a bit stupid. He'll do.

You missed your chance.

What's that mean?

- Nothing. - What the fuck does that mean?

You're dead.

l remember the day Judith first brought Adrian home.

Was he a good shag?

- (Whispers) l only had him the once. - Hush.

- Middle of Piccadilly Gardens. - Slut.

- Well? There was a war on. - Yeah. ln Vietnam.

- Yeah, but was he any good? - Roger Bannister.

l'm trying to listen.

l was only 15.

Pervert. Older man taking advantage. l mean, who'd sleep with a 15 year old?

Fair dues, though. He did his bit, old Dudley.

l'd take Vince to Macclesfield. At least he saw him.

Up your arse.

Only once or twice a year, that's all. But at least he'd go and see him.

No matter what happened, they were father and son.

Your dad might pop his clogs any minute.

Up your arse. l'm not gonna see him.

- Comprendez-vous? - Non. Je ne comprends pas.

Don't get fancy, lady.

She's nice, my mum. l mean, she's a bit boring and that but she's all right.

Just don't talk about things, OK?

- What's that mean, things? - Things.

- What sort of things? - You know what things. Sex and that.

Like l'd say, ''Nice fish fingers. l'll shove them up me arse.''

- And you would. - l will, then.

- Just don't. - God. No wonder your dad left home.

And l work at the uni on weekends - bar work and clearing up. lt's a right laugh.

- Any plans beyond that? - Dunno. l love it.

lt's a laugh. l might go back to college. Do night classes.

Since when?

l might.

- What for? Anything in particular? - Dunno.

l loved history, Tudors and Stewarts. l'm doing Mardi Gras this year.

l'm Marie Antoinette. Like ''Let them eat cake.'' lt's gonna be fab.

- That's not Tudors and Stewarts. - Big frocks, same difference.

We did fancy dress. l was Britney Spears.

l've done her. Hollywood Show Bar. l had this wig, just like the video.

They love me in the Show Bar. Julia tried to get me barred cos l broke a stool.

But all the staff had a petition. They love me.

(Dazz) You should put your hair up, like that.

- Sorry about that. - He's nice enough.

- Helen likes him. - He doesn't half witter on.

Should have seen my first boyfriend.

He used to sit and read Ordnance Survey maps.

You wouldn't see him as Britney Spears.

He puts it on. All those stories, he hasn't done half of those things.

l worked that out for meself.

And he's never going to college. He didn't even do GCSEs.

- He's a good-looking lad, though. - Mm.

lt sort of fades after a bit.

Nathan, l know you're new to all this, but you've got it the wrong way round.

- l'm supposed to be the one criticising. - Yeah, but don't you think...

What?

- Don't you think he's a twat? - That's one way of putting it.

And to be honest, you might as well be going out with a girl.

Your decision.

Look. Helen says l'm the Pope. Bless you, my children.

(Janice laughs)

Oh, God.

& Darling, there's no way out Nothing can help me now

& Love's got a hold of my heart.. &

(Dudley) Must be a wonderful life, Hazel, all those boys.

They're such good company. Never short of a joke. Tremendous wit, all of them.

They're always smiling, they're always laughing.

Yes, and they make such good pets.

(Sigh) Oh, my God, l'm knackered.

- Bloody long day. - Yeah.

Oh, we heard last week we got that house.

lt's got a great big garden and it's got a tree. lt's lovely.

You'll have to come over. Maybe at Christmas.

- Oh, can l nick a fag? - Yeah.

Judith always says we should see Vince more often. He's a nice bloke.

Good-looking.

- You think he's good-looking? - Yeah.

That's not good-looking.

Judith was telling her friend Trisha,

''Wait until you see my brother, he's really handsome. Such a waste.''

A waste?

Go on, what's a waste, exactly? What is wasted?

- Hold on a minute. - Oh, my God, back in a minute.

& A little bit of you makes me your man... &

What, a waste of cock, a waste of spunk, waste of a fuck, what?

And you're not wasted.

- You get vagina, you get Judith. - Don't talk about her like that.

- Fucking the front is better. - Listen...

Hiya. Want a drink?

That's not a waste.

You told every single one of them. Boyfriends.

- No, it's just cos we're always together. - They don't think it by mistake.

You let 'em think it and you love it.

(& Slow ballad drifts out)

(DJ) And now it's one for all you lovers.

(& Patsy Cline: Crazy)

& Crazy... &

l could have had all this. lf l'd stuck with him.

Nice house. Nice car. None of that cutting out coupons.

- Bollocks. lt's the wife's money. - Don't spoil a good story.

& Crazy

& Crazy for feeling so blue... &

One quick shag goes on for years.

Did you love him?

No.

Just fancied him rotten.

Long time ago.

Look at them.

Two nodding dogs.

& And then someday... &

Did you never fancy Vince?

- You been drinking? - l never drink.

l look at you, 14 years old, hormones all over,

you'd have shagged a letter box, but not him.

Nope.

You saying my son's ugly?

(Quietly) He's...

& Wonderin'... &

(Vince) You've gotta fancy him.

Never mind love.

Love can fuck off.

lf you fancy him,

there's blood, there's a hard-on, if you just...

if you just love him...

& ..that my love could hold you

& l'm crazy for tryin'

& And crazy for cryin'... &

No blood.

& And l'm crazy for loving

& You... &

Just checking.

What about him? Do you think he'd find enough blood?

(& Englebert Humperdinck: Spanish Eyes)

Let's find out.

What does that mean? Find out what?

& Blue Spanish eyes

& Teardrops are falling from your Spanish eyes... &

Piss off.

& Please, please don't cry

& This is just adios and not goodbye

& Soon

& l'll return

& Bringing you all the love

& Your heart can hold

& Please, say si, si

& Say you and your Spanish eyes... &

Poor sods. They've gotta wake up with each other every single day.

Give it six months. Your sex life's dead.

You'll never catch me doing that.

Do you fancy staying the night?

Bit expensive.

Might as well.

We could try again - a threesome.

That barman's been looking, he's up for it.

Cut out the middleman.

& ..Spanish eyes... &

(Phone ringing)

(& Martine McCutcheon: Perfect Moment)

Well, that was quick. Only took 16 years.

Blimey.

You know what Phil used to say?

That you were saving me for your old age.

- Assuming you'd want me. - Assuming that, yeah.

Like one day you'd be past it.

You'd go down Canal Street and they'd all be kids laughing at the sad old man.

And l'd be there waiting...apparently.

Long time to wait.

You'll be 30 soon.

Ancient.

So the day l shag you, l'm old?

According to Phil.

What the fuck did he know about anything anyway?

Yeah.

Better get some sleep. Long day tomorrow.

Yeah, me too.

(Mobile phone)

What is it now?

(Hazel) 'Hi, Vince. l must have lost an earring last night.

- 'Are you still at the hotel?' - Yeah. We're going to breakfast.

- What was it like? - 'Er, sort of gold with bits on it...

- 'So...did you have a nice time?' - Fantastic.

- And how was the room? - Nice, yeah.

- Did you... Did you stay up late or... - (Beeping)

- You've got call waiting. - Hold on.

Yeah?

Hazel, fuck off!

Deputy manager. lt's so grown-up.

l keep fighting it off like l don't even want the job, like l'm still a kid.

But l'm not.

There's only one good way of getting old and that's with money.

You need money, you get promotion.

- Here he is. - Don't suppose you have a kettle?

l told her, ''Put the kettle on top.''

l brought a flask of tea and your father drank it all.

And he ate all the biscuits.

So you've come to get your hands dirty?

Oh, yes.

God love them, they're bored to tears. Go and play in the garden.

No, it's OK. lt's much more fun round Uncle Stuart's flat.

That's a hint. They're looking for a wide-screen TV.

No, it's not. lt's cos all his mates come round.

That's nice. ls that Vince?

Yeah. Vince is one of 'em.

Your Granny's right. Why don't you go out and play?

Lots of men. All the time.

- Stuart, help me with these shelves. - l can't.

Of course you can. Come on.

We don't do hammers and nails or saws.

We do joints and screws but it's different.

- Who does? - Queers.

l'll get some sandwiches. This kitchen needs organising.

Because l'm queer.

l'm gay. l'm homosexual.

l'm a poof. l'm a poofter. l'm a ponce.

l'm a bum-boy, batty-boy, backside artist, bugger. l'm bent.

l am the arse bandit, l lift those shirts.

l'm a faggot-arsed, fudge-packing, shit-stabbing uphill gardener.

l dine at the downstairs restaurant, l dance at the other end of the ballroom.

l'm Moses and the parting of the red cheeks.

l fuck and l'm fucked. l suck and l'm sucked.

l rim them and wank them

and every single man's had the fucking time of his life.

And l'm not...a pervert.

lf there's one twisted bastard in this family, it's this little blackmailer here.

So congratulations, Thomas.

l've just officially outed you.

All right, boys. Go outside and play.

- Outside. - And just what have you been doing?

Come here. What exactly have you been doing?

He's eight years old. Ben is eight years old.

Oh, and, one more thing.

Did l mention l've got a baby?

(& Utopia: Feel The Need ln Me)

& Can't you see l'm talking?

& Yeah, yeah

& All right now

& Oh, oh... &

Knackered or what?

l suppose you're going to be all responsible now?

- And you. All grown up. - Getting older.

Are we gonna shag then?

l reckon there's still a few strangers out there in need of a good shafting.

(Laughs)

Obviously it'll have a lounge.

Then it's got two bedrooms where we can have guests staying over.

Look, there he is, Nick Tandy. Look at him.

Wait a minute. Any minute now. Here it is.

Best arse on planet Earth.

He was looking at me that night in Via Fossa.

You'll be lucky.

Yeah. l might be, yeah.

- Where are we going? - l'm going after Nick Tandy.

- What do you mean? - lt's not like we're exclusive or anything.

- lt's not like we're anything. - Since when?

l'm 16 next week. l'm getting old.

l can't waste time hanging around. Look at that arse. lt's new.

- Well, you can fuck off, then! - That's exactly what l'm doing!

& l need your only kiss

& To keep my heart in bliss

& You make me what l need to be

& Feel the need

& Oh, feel, feel the need in me... &

l'm doing a family meal but he wants a party on Canal Street.

He's inviting the mob from the youth group.

- You've buggered this bike. - Bugger it back.

He's coming round later. Says you know the best places and l know nothing.

- Hello, stranger. - lt's been quite a while. How are you?

Fine!

l haven't seen you for ages.

lt must be, what, six or seven years?

At least.

- l'm not interrupting anything, am l? - No. Thought you'd pop by.

Two more mothers, we'd be selling jam.

Vince must have been, l don't know, 14.

And when did you know about Stuart?

About the same time.

l knew when Nathan was 1 1 .

l did.

When l'm on supply teaching,

you to into school and there's a boy just sitting there and it's shining out of him.

Did you never think?

Must've done. l must've.

No. l don't think l did.

Stuart?

Try not to think about the arse thing and you'll be fine. People don't like that.

Well, l'm not trying it again.

The arse thing.

Janice Maloney!

- Not with Roy? - Oh, yes, Mr High-And-Mighty.

l screamed the place down.

l told the neighbours the cat had fallen off the landing and broke his neck.

l quite like it myself. You can read a book at the same time.

Well, don't look at me. lt's a foreign language.

There's lots to learn, Margaret. Still...

l've got Stuart to thank for that.

And did, erm...

With Nathan? Yes.

That's nice.

- What does Nathan do? - He's a student.

Oh. What's he studying?

Your son, mostly.

- (Nathan) Hiya. - Oh, shit, it's like a madhouse in here.

l'll tell him to sod off.

lt took ages to get home. The first bus was full and l had to stand on the next.

Have you come to any decisions yet? l think Via Fossa's best.

Look, we're a bit busy in here...

This is Nathan. My son.

lt's his birthday on Friday. We're having a party.

His sixteenth.

(Dog barking)

This lunch thing at your sister's next Sunday,

new house and everything, what with the boys...

- lt's best if you give it a miss. - Fine.

We just think, your mother and l, it'd be best

if you're not there.

She's round at Romey's every other day,

so she gets plenty of chance to see that little man.

So it's just me?

We'll get together next month. All of us.

Just give it a bit of time.

l might be busy.

lt's not as if we see you or anything.

Look, your mother's been all round, she's been visiting...

For God's sake, she's trying to make sense of it and can't.

Tell her to read a book.

And she thinks it's all her fault, the way she brought you up.

l told her it just happens.

Some boys grow up to be...

bastards.

Well, l'll see myself out.

(Alexander) l don't care if he's dying. Who gives a toss?

(Stuart) You're going to see your father. We're all going.

Sorry we're late. There was this queue by the ring road.

Anyway, thanks for phoning.

- How is he? - Sleeping.

So, what, do you want me to wait?

l thought we could talk. There's a tea bar. A few things to sort out. ln private.

Your father and l talked about this last year.

lf the worst comes to the worst, everything comes to me.

But there are precedents.

We thought you could sign this.

lt states you won't make a claim for any inheritance.

Jesus.

- l don't want his money. - No problem signing it, then.

There.

Read it first. Get yourself a lawyer. That won't stand up in court.

l don't care.

And...there.

(Pen scratching paper)

There you go.

Thanks, Mum.

There's no need. You got my name. That's it. Done it.

Things to do. Tell him...

Tell him...

What?

Maybe next time.

- There's no point in making it worse. - Coward!

Bang!

& ..if you ever left me

& Tell me, how would l make it?

- The perfect threesome. l've found it. - l'd rather have a wank.

Oh! Oh.

You, me and Nathan.

& l don't know what l'd do

& lf you ever left me... &

Fly, my pretties, fly!

- Piss off! - Nathan, enough of that language.

Me? What about them?

Stupid fucking cunt!

- You two are like a married couple. - We're not shagging.

That's a married couple.

You're on your own.

Suits me.

You're just straight, Vince. You're a straight man who fucks men, that's all.

& l don't know what l'd do l don't know what l'd do

& l don't know what l'd do, do, do, do &