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What's up, Marlennials?
Welcome to "The Marlon Way."
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[This one's] for the people with kids.
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00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:06,282
I'm talking moms, dads,
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00:00:06,283 --> 00:00:08,958
and any dude that got a text
from a girl talking about,
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00:00:08,959 --> 00:00:10,740
"Mm...[CLICKS TONGUE] I'm late."
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00:00:10,741 --> 00:00:13,910
It's very important that you
foster your children's dreams.
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00:00:13,911 --> 00:00:16,479
If Michael Jordan's parents
didn't give him a basketball,
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00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:18,982
he'd just be some tall dude named Mike
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00:00:18,983 --> 00:00:21,084
wearing Air Pippens,
walking around the office
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00:00:21,085 --> 00:00:24,087
with his tongue hanging out his mouth.
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00:00:24,088 --> 00:00:27,056
So what I'm saying is,
kids' dreams are important.
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00:00:27,057 --> 00:00:30,860
And, fellas, if you don't
wanna get "the late text,"
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00:00:30,861 --> 00:00:34,030
you gotta wear the latex.
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You like my wordplay, bitches?
[LAUGHS]
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♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪
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♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪
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00:00:40,137 --> 00:00:41,738
♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪
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00:00:41,739 --> 00:00:43,473
♪ Marlon, Marlon
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Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
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[HIP-HOP MUSIC]
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00:00:48,913 --> 00:00:51,347
Oh, it looks bad. Oh, oh, oh, oh!
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00:00:51,348 --> 00:00:54,284
Oh! He could go all the way!
23
00:00:54,285 --> 00:00:55,585
- [GROANS]
- Oh!
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00:00:55,586 --> 00:00:58,388
Touchdown! Oh, game over.
25
00:00:58,389 --> 00:01:00,356
Oh, you are having a terrible day.
26
00:01:00,357 --> 00:01:04,294
You are losing in "Madden"
and in life. Oh.
27
00:01:04,295 --> 00:01:05,962
These controllers are too complicated.
28
00:01:05,963 --> 00:01:07,397
I miss ColecoVision.
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00:01:07,398 --> 00:01:09,265
No, they're not. I told you. Listen.
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The triangle makes them jump.
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00:01:11,101 --> 00:01:12,835
The circle makes them spin.
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00:01:12,836 --> 00:01:15,138
And the X makes them kneel
during the national anthem.
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00:01:15,139 --> 00:01:17,006
Ah.
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00:01:17,007 --> 00:01:18,507
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN]
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00:01:19,075 --> 00:01:21,277
Dad, guess what happened at the mall.
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00:01:21,278 --> 00:01:24,446
You saw them change the
clothes on a hot mannequin.
37
00:01:25,615 --> 00:01:27,417
No, it's not Thursday yet.
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00:01:27,418 --> 00:01:29,719
[LAUGHS]
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00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:32,355
Um, actually, some woman
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00:01:32,356 --> 00:01:35,358
who said that she was from
Game Swag Athletic Gear
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00:01:35,359 --> 00:01:37,493
asked Zack if he'd
be interested in doing
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00:01:37,494 --> 00:01:39,128
a kids' photo shoot.
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00:01:39,129 --> 00:01:41,030
It was only a matter of time, Dad.
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I mean, look at this face.
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00:01:45,435 --> 00:01:47,971
Yeah, I know it all too well, son.
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I was worried for a second.
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00:01:49,473 --> 00:01:52,308
Boy, it was going through
that awkward phase, you know?
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00:01:52,309 --> 00:01:53,843
Teeth was big. Your feet was big.
49
00:01:53,844 --> 00:01:55,645
You looked like
a saber-toothed rabbit.
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00:01:55,646 --> 00:01:56,946
But now look at you, coming back
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00:01:56,947 --> 00:01:59,282
out that tunnel.
I could claim you again.
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00:01:59,283 --> 00:02:00,750
Yeah.
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00:02:00,751 --> 00:02:02,452
Hey, congratulations, man.
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00:02:02,453 --> 00:02:04,687
Hey, my son's about to be
famous like his daddy.
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00:02:04,688 --> 00:02:05,989
- [LAUGHS]
- Nah,
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00:02:05,990 --> 00:02:08,224
he wants to be for-real famous...
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00:02:08,225 --> 00:02:09,659
[LAUGHS]
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00:02:09,660 --> 00:02:11,394
Not "YouTuber who once got recognized
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00:02:11,395 --> 00:02:13,363
at a Chipotle" famous like you.
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00:02:13,364 --> 00:02:15,231
You wasn't complaining
when you had your snout
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00:02:15,232 --> 00:02:17,365
all in the free guacamole.
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00:02:18,301 --> 00:02:20,737
Marley, I'm gonna be a famous model.
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00:02:20,738 --> 00:02:23,539
Now, be a doll
and bring me a ginger ale.
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00:02:23,540 --> 00:02:26,332
Okay, hold up.
We haven't agreed to anything.
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00:02:26,333 --> 00:02:29,302
I just told you that your dad
and I would talk about it.
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00:02:29,303 --> 00:02:31,404
Great idea. You two talk.
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00:02:31,405 --> 00:02:34,674
Marley! Ginger ale!
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00:02:34,675 --> 00:02:37,876
Coming right up!
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00:02:38,611 --> 00:02:41,581
All right, girl, let's talk about it.
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00:02:41,582 --> 00:02:45,450
You and I made a beautiful boy,
and it's time we get paid.
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00:02:46,285 --> 00:02:49,021
Nine years of private school, one A?
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00:02:49,022 --> 00:02:50,590
[CHUCKLES] I say we cut our losses.
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00:02:50,591 --> 00:02:52,892
This is a bad investment, okay?
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00:02:52,893 --> 00:02:54,727
He's the Bitcoin of kids.
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00:02:54,728 --> 00:02:56,262
Okay, Marlon,
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00:02:56,263 --> 00:02:59,932
we don't even know
if this Gail Newman is legit.
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00:02:59,933 --> 00:03:02,768
She's right. People ask you to model,
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00:03:02,769 --> 00:03:05,171
and next thing you know,
you're at a studio apartment
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00:03:05,172 --> 00:03:07,874
in the Valley, crawling around
in your bra and panties
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00:03:07,875 --> 00:03:10,041
like a damn leopard.
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00:03:10,877 --> 00:03:13,845
Turns out, he don't
even know Ving Rhames.
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00:03:15,281 --> 00:03:18,083
Fool me twice.
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00:03:19,085 --> 00:03:21,787
Actually, according to my LinkedIn,
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00:03:21,788 --> 00:03:23,723
Gail Newman is, in fact,
a marketing exec
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00:03:23,724 --> 00:03:26,092
at Game Swag, Inc. Sounds legit to me.
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00:03:26,093 --> 00:03:30,829
You being on LinkedIn is like
Stevie Wonder being on Waze.
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00:03:33,332 --> 00:03:36,369
[DOOR CLATTERING]
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00:03:36,370 --> 00:03:38,738
Okay, legit or not,
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00:03:38,739 --> 00:03:40,373
I don't know how I feel about this.
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00:03:40,374 --> 00:03:41,674
I'm not crazy about our son
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00:03:41,675 --> 00:03:43,176
being in the entertainment industry.
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00:03:43,177 --> 00:03:45,545
Ashley, opportunity is knocking,
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00:03:45,546 --> 00:03:47,747
and when opportunity knocks,
you gotta open the door.
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00:03:47,748 --> 00:03:51,284
You gotta be like,
"What's up, opportunity?
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00:03:51,285 --> 00:03:53,152
"Come on in, opportunity.
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00:03:53,153 --> 00:03:56,788
Can I get you something,
maybe some brown liquor?"
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00:03:57,823 --> 00:03:59,992
You know, I gotta agree with Marlon.
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00:03:59,993 --> 00:04:01,727
When I was 12, I was poised to crush
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00:04:01,728 --> 00:04:05,631
the national spelling bee,
until Nana withdrew me
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00:04:05,632 --> 00:04:08,901
because of the rampant Adderall
addiction amongst contestants.
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00:04:08,902 --> 00:04:10,736
I was devastated.
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00:04:10,737 --> 00:04:12,071
"Devastated."
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00:04:12,072 --> 00:04:15,373
D-E-V... [SOBS]
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00:04:16,576 --> 00:04:18,411
And now you jobless.
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00:04:18,412 --> 00:04:22,048
"Jobless." J-O-B...
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00:04:22,049 --> 00:04:24,350
Look, Ash, when I was Zack's age,
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00:04:24,351 --> 00:04:27,119
I got the lead role
in "The Nutcracker,"
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00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:30,189
and my father... he wasn't
feeling me wearing tights.
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00:04:30,190 --> 00:04:33,659
He was like, "Boy,
are you a sugarplum fairy?"
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00:04:33,660 --> 00:04:35,761
I said, "No." He said, "Then why you
111
00:04:35,762 --> 00:04:38,463
showing the world your sugarplums?"
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00:04:39,732 --> 00:04:42,635
I could've been the real Black Swan.
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00:04:42,636 --> 00:04:44,170
Marlon, we don't know anything
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00:04:44,171 --> 00:04:45,671
about the modeling industry.
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00:04:45,672 --> 00:04:48,474
Ashley, I'm gonna look out
for our son, all right?
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00:04:48,475 --> 00:04:50,776
All right, well, promise me
that you will keep him safe.
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00:04:50,777 --> 00:04:54,347
Girl, protecting Zack
is my number one priority
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00:04:54,348 --> 00:04:58,049
as his father and as his manager.
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00:04:59,085 --> 00:05:02,154
Good, 'cause I don't want
my baby in a Valley apartment
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00:05:02,155 --> 00:05:04,090
crawling around like a damn leopard.
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00:05:04,091 --> 00:05:06,658
No, you do not.
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00:05:07,593 --> 00:05:09,476
♪
123
00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:13,610
- Dad, this is so cool!
- That's right, man.
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00:05:13,611 --> 00:05:15,440
We about to make your
dreams come true, baby.
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00:05:15,441 --> 00:05:16,941
All right, so let's
roll through the poses.
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00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:19,577
All right, give me... give me...
give me "Thinking Man."
127
00:05:19,578 --> 00:05:23,247
Uh-huh, a'ight. Give me "Jailhouse."
128
00:05:23,248 --> 00:05:27,118
Give me "I just got released."
129
00:05:27,119 --> 00:05:31,089
Give me, uh... oh,
"my daddy just left."
130
00:05:31,090 --> 00:05:33,625
"But he came back."
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00:05:33,626 --> 00:05:35,460
Very good, son. You're a natural.
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00:05:35,461 --> 00:05:37,028
You're just like Dad.
- Hey, Zack.
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00:05:37,029 --> 00:05:39,364
- Great to see you again.
- Good to see you too.
134
00:05:39,365 --> 00:05:42,300
- And you must be...
- I am Marlon.
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00:05:42,301 --> 00:05:46,137
I am Zack's manager
and the one responsible
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00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:49,207
for those Cherokee cheekbones.
137
00:05:49,208 --> 00:05:52,477
Oh, this is Hank Hoffstetter.
He's the CEO of Game Swag.
138
00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:54,379
- Hey.
- Nice to meet you, fellas.
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00:05:54,380 --> 00:05:55,680
What's up, Hank? How you doing, baby?
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00:05:55,681 --> 00:05:57,281
You good?
- Oh, my! [LAUGHS]
141
00:05:57,282 --> 00:05:58,650
- How you doing, man?
- Fine, thank you.
142
00:05:58,651 --> 00:06:01,719
- Good to meet you.
- Good to meet you.
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00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,022
I like your swag, man.
144
00:06:04,023 --> 00:06:06,824
That suit with the worn-out
Chucks that says, like,
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00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:10,161
"I got mad cash, but I'm grounded."
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00:06:10,162 --> 00:06:12,196
[LAUGHS] Well, my cash is mad.
147
00:06:12,197 --> 00:06:14,065
Your shoes are pretty sharp too.
148
00:06:14,066 --> 00:06:16,334
Your cash has gotta be
just a little ticked off.
149
00:06:16,335 --> 00:06:18,002
[LAUGHS] I got a $10 bill in my pocket
150
00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:20,238
that's ready to slap
the hell outta somebody.
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00:06:20,239 --> 00:06:22,040
- [LAUGHS]
- Mr. Hoffstetter,
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00:06:22,041 --> 00:06:23,975
- they're ready for you upstairs.
- Oh, all right, Marlon.
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00:06:23,976 --> 00:06:25,510
- Pleasure meeting you.
- Hey, pleasure.
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00:06:25,511 --> 00:06:27,345
- Come here. There you go.
- Hey... oh! Here we go!
155
00:06:27,346 --> 00:06:30,715
[BOTH OHING AND LAUGHING]
156
00:06:30,716 --> 00:06:32,984
Hey, man, it was
really nice meeting you.
157
00:06:32,985 --> 00:06:34,853
- Nice meeting you too.
- No doubt. We do this again?
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00:06:34,854 --> 00:06:38,089
- Blessings, man. No doubt.
- Thank you very much.
159
00:06:38,090 --> 00:06:39,858
All right, boy. No doubt.
160
00:06:39,859 --> 00:06:42,226
Good to meet you. Oh, boy.
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00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:49,534
So, uh, Gail, who's, uh...
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00:06:49,535 --> 00:06:51,102
who's the pretty kid
that look like he about
163
00:06:51,103 --> 00:06:55,106
- to fight his stepdaddy?
- That is Kevin.
164
00:06:55,107 --> 00:06:57,342
He is the face of this year's line.
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00:06:57,343 --> 00:06:59,678
Zack, you're gonna be one
of the models behind him.
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00:06:59,679 --> 00:07:00,879
Cool. Man,
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00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:02,847
I wanna be that kid one day.
168
00:07:02,848 --> 00:07:04,616
Well, you know what, son?
169
00:07:04,617 --> 00:07:06,618
Today might be your opportunity.
170
00:07:06,619 --> 00:07:09,221
Here's what I want you to do.
I want you to go back there,
171
00:07:09,222 --> 00:07:12,290
and I want you to out-Kevin Kevin.
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00:07:12,291 --> 00:07:15,894
You got me? Run through your poses.
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00:07:15,895 --> 00:07:17,562
So, uh, Gail,
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00:07:17,563 --> 00:07:19,965
you know, as a talent manager,
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00:07:19,966 --> 00:07:23,301
I pride myself on the ability
to spot talent.
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00:07:23,302 --> 00:07:27,305
And, uh, you know,
I just don't know if the
177
00:07:27,306 --> 00:07:31,810
face of Game Swag should be such a...
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00:07:31,811 --> 00:07:34,112
you know, a pretty boy.
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00:07:34,113 --> 00:07:36,248
Pardon me.
I couldn't help but overhearing
180
00:07:36,249 --> 00:07:37,983
your comments about that model.
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00:07:37,984 --> 00:07:41,786
See, I minored in behavioral
psychology, and most people
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00:07:41,787 --> 00:07:44,456
find symmetrical jawlines off-putting.
183
00:07:44,457 --> 00:07:46,591
- They do?
- Mm.
184
00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:49,227
Now, that kid?
185
00:07:49,228 --> 00:07:52,430
The odd asymmetrical one
who's trying too hard?
186
00:07:52,431 --> 00:07:54,666
That's the kid
I'd put front and center.
187
00:07:54,667 --> 00:07:56,301
But Kevin is in demand.
188
00:07:56,302 --> 00:07:59,271
He just came off a very
successful Gucci campaign.
189
00:07:59,272 --> 00:08:03,341
You see? Kevin is Gucci.
190
00:08:03,342 --> 00:08:07,312
You know, Zack is more like
a old worn-out pair of Chucks.
191
00:08:07,313 --> 00:08:10,915
You know, I'm surprised
that a everyman like Hank
192
00:08:10,916 --> 00:08:13,518
would like a pretty boy like Kevin.
193
00:08:13,519 --> 00:08:15,287
But I don't know.
I mean, it's your job.
194
00:08:15,288 --> 00:08:17,622
I mean, you know
better than me, you know.
195
00:08:17,623 --> 00:08:19,991
You probably been here
a couple of years, you know.
196
00:08:19,992 --> 00:08:23,928
- Four months, actually.
- Ooh.
197
00:08:23,929 --> 00:08:25,964
Wouldn't hurt
to give him some options.
198
00:08:25,965 --> 00:08:28,300
Hold the work!
199
00:08:28,301 --> 00:08:31,469
I'd like to get a couple shots
of Zack wearing the hoodie.
200
00:08:31,470 --> 00:08:35,473
[BOTH SNICKERING]
- Good looking out.
201
00:08:35,474 --> 00:08:36,808
Wasn't easy dissing Kevin.
202
00:08:36,809 --> 00:08:39,477
That kid's the best
male model I've ever seen.
203
00:08:39,478 --> 00:08:40,945
Kid's really got it.
204
00:08:40,946 --> 00:08:42,814
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
205
00:08:42,815 --> 00:08:44,983
I got it... hot off the presses...
206
00:08:44,984 --> 00:08:47,886
the advance proof
of Zack's Game Swag ad.
207
00:08:47,887 --> 00:08:50,055
Okay, wait, wait, wait, Stevie.
208
00:08:50,056 --> 00:08:53,692
I just wanna say
I'm so proud of my baby boy.
209
00:08:53,693 --> 00:08:56,328
[LAUGHS] [APPLAUSE]
210
00:08:56,329 --> 00:08:57,829
But... but let's not forget,
211
00:08:57,830 --> 00:09:00,899
if it wasn't for a certain somebody,
212
00:09:00,900 --> 00:09:02,701
your baby boy would've been
213
00:09:02,702 --> 00:09:06,571
a out-of-focus blob behind Kevin.
214
00:09:06,572 --> 00:09:08,640
So can I get some love or what?
215
00:09:08,641 --> 00:09:10,675
[AWKWARD APPLAUSE]
216
00:09:10,676 --> 00:09:13,178
Ooh, those are hate claps.
Give me some of this. Come on.
217
00:09:13,179 --> 00:09:14,512
Yeah, there we go.
218
00:09:14,513 --> 00:09:17,716
Use a pentameter.
Yes, okay, thank you.
219
00:09:17,717 --> 00:09:19,718
I still feel bad about Kevin.
220
00:09:19,719 --> 00:09:21,452
That kid's really got it.
221
00:09:23,488 --> 00:09:24,923
Drumroll, please.
222
00:09:24,924 --> 00:09:27,092
[LIGHT TAPPING]
223
00:09:27,093 --> 00:09:29,894
This is what happens
when opportunity knocks
224
00:09:29,895 --> 00:09:31,863
and you answer the door.
225
00:09:31,864 --> 00:09:34,431
Behold.
226
00:09:39,804 --> 00:09:42,707
Aww, hell naw!
227
00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:44,791
♪
228
00:09:45,714 --> 00:09:47,446
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
229
00:09:47,447 --> 00:09:48,623
Yo!
230
00:09:48,624 --> 00:09:50,492
I'm a funky monkey!
231
00:09:50,493 --> 00:09:52,861
I need a picture to send
to all my friends.
232
00:09:52,862 --> 00:09:55,396
[TOGETHER] No!
233
00:09:57,666 --> 00:09:59,234
You right. You right.
234
00:09:59,235 --> 00:10:01,569
Let them see it on the billboards.
235
00:10:03,772 --> 00:10:05,373
Well, um,
236
00:10:05,374 --> 00:10:08,809
I'm going upstairs to Google
how to change my last name.
237
00:10:11,112 --> 00:10:14,149
What have they done to my baby boy?
238
00:10:14,150 --> 00:10:16,817
They made him a funky monkey.
239
00:10:18,353 --> 00:10:20,355
Good job, Mr. Manager.
240
00:10:20,356 --> 00:10:22,023
He could've been a blob
in the background,
241
00:10:22,024 --> 00:10:24,493
but you got him up front
in a monkey shirt.
242
00:10:24,494 --> 00:10:26,661
Ashley, the shirt didn't say monkey.
243
00:10:26,662 --> 00:10:30,332
It was as blank as Stevie's résumé.
244
00:10:30,333 --> 00:10:32,868
You know, for a piece
of racist propaganda,
245
00:10:32,869 --> 00:10:35,470
it really does capture
Zack's charisma.
246
00:10:35,471 --> 00:10:38,340
Marlon, you said that
this was your lane.
247
00:10:38,341 --> 00:10:40,242
You let him do a racist photo shoot?
248
00:10:40,243 --> 00:10:41,610
I didn't know it was racist.
249
00:10:41,611 --> 00:10:44,579
There was no hoods or tiki torches
250
00:10:44,580 --> 00:10:47,415
or German shepherds around.
251
00:10:47,416 --> 00:10:48,717
Marlon, when you spoke to the CEO,
252
00:10:48,718 --> 00:10:52,354
did he say anything... cracker-y?
253
00:10:52,355 --> 00:10:54,222
No, I mean, he was cool.
254
00:10:54,223 --> 00:10:57,759
It was black guy, white guy.
We were different but the same.
255
00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:00,495
It was like a '80s buddy cop movie.
256
00:11:00,496 --> 00:11:04,199
Well, your buddy turned
your son into a funky monkey.
257
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:05,867
You got about one more "funky monkey,"
258
00:11:05,868 --> 00:11:08,737
and then we gonna start moving
some furniture up in here.
259
00:11:08,738 --> 00:11:10,572
You're right. You're right.
260
00:11:10,573 --> 00:11:12,040
Ashley, I don't know what happened.
261
00:11:12,041 --> 00:11:13,575
Somebody messed up down there.
262
00:11:13,576 --> 00:11:16,645
So you're telling me that
a billion-dollar company
263
00:11:16,646 --> 00:11:18,613
and an ad this offensive
that had to go through
264
00:11:18,614 --> 00:11:22,384
a dozen departments... this is
just some sort of oversight?
265
00:11:22,385 --> 00:11:25,086
No, I mean, you act like it's me.
266
00:11:25,087 --> 00:11:27,121
I ain't the company. Shoot.
267
00:11:28,423 --> 00:11:31,927
What I was saying
was that me and Hank were cool.
268
00:11:31,928 --> 00:11:33,395
Like, let me go down there
269
00:11:33,396 --> 00:11:35,030
and talk to him
and straighten things out
270
00:11:35,031 --> 00:11:36,865
before we crush our son's dreams?
271
00:11:36,866 --> 00:11:38,867
Fine, but I'm going with you.
272
00:11:38,868 --> 00:11:41,002
'Cause the last time
that I left you in charge,
273
00:11:41,003 --> 00:11:43,104
- they turned our son into...
- A funky...
274
00:11:43,105 --> 00:11:44,205
Bitch.
275
00:11:48,643 --> 00:11:50,845
Marlon, bring your ass.
276
00:11:50,846 --> 00:11:54,516
♪
277
00:11:54,517 --> 00:11:56,318
Look here, Henry.
I need to talk to you.
278
00:11:56,319 --> 00:11:59,588
And you know I'm upset 'cause
I used your government name.
279
00:11:59,589 --> 00:12:02,389
Marlon, my man.
Check out my new Chucks.
280
00:12:04,459 --> 00:12:07,228
That's your boy, huh?
281
00:12:07,229 --> 00:12:10,131
Look here, Hank.
Now, my first instinct
282
00:12:10,132 --> 00:12:12,133
was to come in here and wild out.
283
00:12:12,134 --> 00:12:14,102
Like, I was gonna
take a trash can and just
284
00:12:14,103 --> 00:12:15,370
throw it through your front window.
285
00:12:15,371 --> 00:12:17,572
Yeah, I was about to riot, loot,
286
00:12:17,573 --> 00:12:20,275
steal things that made no sense,
like this coffee cup.
287
00:12:20,276 --> 00:12:22,143
I don't even drink coffee.
288
00:12:22,144 --> 00:12:24,746
And my baby mama... she wanted me
to flip the table.
289
00:12:24,747 --> 00:12:26,348
Still do.
290
00:12:26,349 --> 00:12:27,949
But you know what? I told her,
291
00:12:27,950 --> 00:12:29,317
"Naw, baby, chill,
292
00:12:29,318 --> 00:12:30,852
"'cause me and Hank... we cool.
293
00:12:30,853 --> 00:12:34,255
"I'ma give him a chance
to explain to me
294
00:12:34,256 --> 00:12:36,324
"how somebody in his office
295
00:12:36,325 --> 00:12:39,861
messed up and put my son in this ad."
296
00:12:39,862 --> 00:12:41,696
Nobody messed up. You said yourself...
297
00:12:41,697 --> 00:12:43,164
Zack is an everyman.
298
00:12:43,165 --> 00:12:45,000
So...
299
00:12:45,001 --> 00:12:47,936
it didn't occur to you
that this ad is racist?
300
00:12:47,937 --> 00:12:49,671
[ALL GASP]
- Racist?
301
00:12:49,672 --> 00:12:51,206
Oh, no, hold on, now.
302
00:12:51,207 --> 00:12:53,208
Game Swag is committed to diversity.
303
00:12:53,209 --> 00:12:56,344
We respect all cultures,
ethnicities, and races.
304
00:12:56,345 --> 00:12:58,212
Are you reading that?
305
00:12:59,714 --> 00:13:01,249
If that's true, Hank,
306
00:13:01,250 --> 00:13:03,551
then how is it that
a black child ended up
307
00:13:03,552 --> 00:13:06,287
with the shirt that said
"monkey" on it?
308
00:13:06,288 --> 00:13:08,857
Yes. Explain to me
309
00:13:08,858 --> 00:13:12,059
how the hell a boardroom full of...
310
00:13:13,228 --> 00:13:15,730
Oh.
311
00:13:15,731 --> 00:13:18,166
White people.
312
00:13:18,167 --> 00:13:19,934
Now it all makes sense.
313
00:13:19,935 --> 00:13:21,503
You ain't got no diversity.
314
00:13:21,504 --> 00:13:23,438
I mean, you got diversity
in your whiteness.
315
00:13:23,439 --> 00:13:25,507
I mean, look, you got old white,
316
00:13:25,508 --> 00:13:28,743
young white, off white, white-white.
317
00:13:28,744 --> 00:13:31,145
You so white, you damn near clear.
318
00:13:32,213 --> 00:13:34,015
But you ain't got
no black people in here.
319
00:13:34,016 --> 00:13:35,650
Have a sister at your table.
320
00:13:35,651 --> 00:13:37,252
The sister wouldn't
even have said nothing.
321
00:13:37,253 --> 00:13:41,656
She would've just gave you a, "Mm."
322
00:13:41,657 --> 00:13:43,058
And then a...[CLICKS TONGUE]
323
00:13:43,059 --> 00:13:44,659
And you would've took that down.
324
00:13:44,660 --> 00:13:47,062
You could've asked the janitor.
He would've been mopping.
325
00:13:47,063 --> 00:13:48,963
Be like, "Hey, what you think
of this, Clarencey boy?"
326
00:13:48,964 --> 00:13:51,132
"Well, uh, I like the shirt, you know.
327
00:13:51,133 --> 00:13:52,634
"I like the fall colors.
328
00:13:52,635 --> 00:13:55,136
"You know, that look good
on black skin, but, uh,
329
00:13:55,137 --> 00:13:58,573
"'funky monkey'? Aww, hell naw.
330
00:13:58,574 --> 00:14:00,475
"Man, you lucky I need this job,
331
00:14:00,476 --> 00:14:03,210
"or I'd take this mop
and shove it up y'all ass.
332
00:14:04,512 --> 00:14:06,481
"Now if you'll excuse me,
333
00:14:06,482 --> 00:14:09,718
gotta get my time and a half."
334
00:14:09,719 --> 00:14:11,352
Oh, no, no, our research department
335
00:14:11,353 --> 00:14:13,955
used an algorithm
to come up with the concept.
336
00:14:13,956 --> 00:14:16,825
Monkeys are the highest-testing
animal amongst kids.
337
00:14:16,826 --> 00:14:18,893
And "funky" rhymes with "monkey."
338
00:14:18,894 --> 00:14:20,795
It was a no-brainer.
- [LAUGHING] Oh.
339
00:14:20,796 --> 00:14:22,931
It's an algorithm, Marlon.
340
00:14:22,932 --> 00:14:24,666
I don't know what
we were worried about.
341
00:14:24,667 --> 00:14:27,602
I know. We're tripping.
It's a algorithm.
342
00:14:27,603 --> 00:14:31,473
So why don't we take a big,
buff black guy,
343
00:14:31,474 --> 00:14:34,509
we put him in a little shirt,
and we write
344
00:14:34,510 --> 00:14:36,344
"Hunky Monkey"?
345
00:14:36,345 --> 00:14:39,514
Or we take a big, fat black kid,
346
00:14:39,515 --> 00:14:42,250
we put him in a T-shirt,
and we call it
347
00:14:42,251 --> 00:14:44,152
"Chunky Monkey"?
348
00:14:44,153 --> 00:14:46,621
Or, better yet, we go get a sister
349
00:14:46,622 --> 00:14:50,492
with a big old booty...
just a big old ass...
350
00:14:50,493 --> 00:14:54,561
and we call her "Badonky Monkey."
351
00:14:55,363 --> 00:14:57,132
Should we be writing these down?
352
00:14:57,133 --> 00:15:00,835
No! You should not be
writing these down, okay?
353
00:15:00,836 --> 00:15:02,971
These are offensive and racist.
354
00:15:02,972 --> 00:15:04,339
Oh, my God,
it's not just black people.
355
00:15:04,340 --> 00:15:06,174
What are you gonna do,
take a Chinese kid,
356
00:15:06,175 --> 00:15:10,378
put him in a T-shirt that says
"Mellow Yellow"?
357
00:15:10,379 --> 00:15:14,249
Or we take a Mexican kid and we
got him in a hoodie that says
358
00:15:14,250 --> 00:15:16,985
"Coolest Bean in the Burrito"?
359
00:15:16,986 --> 00:15:19,487
Or you could take a Jewish kid
with a yarmulke,
360
00:15:19,488 --> 00:15:21,990
put it to the side,
and he has a T-shirt that says
361
00:15:21,991 --> 00:15:25,226
"Challah."
362
00:15:25,227 --> 00:15:26,461
No, but, Marlon,
363
00:15:26,462 --> 00:15:27,996
I understand you're bothered by this.
364
00:15:27,997 --> 00:15:31,599
I think it's great,
and this is my company.
365
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:32,767
I'm gonna do what I want.
366
00:15:32,768 --> 00:15:34,836
Oh, you gonna do...
367
00:15:34,837 --> 00:15:37,105
you gonna do... [MUTTERS]
368
00:15:37,106 --> 00:15:38,907
Ooh, ooh, I wanna hit you,
369
00:15:38,908 --> 00:15:41,309
but I know one of these
people are lawyers.
370
00:15:41,310 --> 00:15:44,612
Agh! [LAUGHS]
371
00:15:44,613 --> 00:15:47,749
Oh, Ash, it just got real. [LAUGHS]
372
00:15:47,750 --> 00:15:49,551
Girl, we have been bamboozled.
373
00:15:49,552 --> 00:15:51,052
- Mm-hmm.
- Hoodwinked!
374
00:15:51,053 --> 00:15:52,353
- Yup.
- Led astray.
375
00:15:52,354 --> 00:15:54,022
Yes. Flip the table, baby. Flip it.
376
00:15:54,023 --> 00:15:57,292
Ooh.
377
00:15:57,293 --> 00:15:59,427
You know, I wanted to believe
that this world
378
00:15:59,428 --> 00:16:02,197
was a better place,
but I see it's not.
379
00:16:02,198 --> 00:16:05,266
And so now I got to go HAM.
380
00:16:05,267 --> 00:16:08,970
I'm about to get ignant.
I'm about to go cray-cray.
381
00:16:08,971 --> 00:16:10,605
I'm about to turn up.
382
00:16:10,606 --> 00:16:13,641
I'm about to do 20 other slang terms
383
00:16:13,642 --> 00:16:15,343
that represent black anger.
384
00:16:15,344 --> 00:16:16,678
Ho!
385
00:16:16,679 --> 00:16:18,913
You in trouble now! [GRUNTS]
386
00:16:18,914 --> 00:16:19,981
Come on, Marlon.
387
00:16:19,982 --> 00:16:21,316
Come on. Lift with your legs.
388
00:16:21,317 --> 00:16:23,451
Ooh! Okay, hold on. Give me a second.
389
00:16:23,452 --> 00:16:25,753
[GRUNTING LOUDLY]
390
00:16:25,754 --> 00:16:27,422
Ready, eh? Ooh.
391
00:16:27,423 --> 00:16:29,991
[GRUNTS] Is it up?
392
00:16:29,992 --> 00:16:31,793
- No.
- Okay, I gotta think...
393
00:16:31,794 --> 00:16:34,028
think crazy... [PANTING]
394
00:16:34,029 --> 00:16:36,631
Zack and Marley are drowning.
395
00:16:36,632 --> 00:16:38,600
[GRUNTING, PANTING]
396
00:16:38,601 --> 00:16:40,068
And you too.
397
00:16:40,069 --> 00:16:43,104
I can't save you. Y'all are dying.
398
00:16:43,105 --> 00:16:45,673
Is this thing bolted to the floor?
399
00:16:45,674 --> 00:16:48,075
I think it's just really heavy.
400
00:16:48,543 --> 00:16:50,311
Okay, you know what?
401
00:16:50,312 --> 00:16:52,914
You're lucky. I reconsidered.
402
00:16:52,915 --> 00:16:54,883
I'm not gonna flip the table over,
403
00:16:54,884 --> 00:16:57,485
but you are gonna kill that ad.
404
00:16:57,486 --> 00:16:59,153
It's not gonna happen, pal.
405
00:16:59,154 --> 00:17:01,923
Okay, then you're gonna...
you're gonna take my damn son
406
00:17:01,924 --> 00:17:03,491
off that ad. I'll tell you that much.
407
00:17:03,492 --> 00:17:05,627
Marlon, you signed a contract.
408
00:17:05,628 --> 00:17:08,229
You can't do anything here
except leave,
409
00:17:08,230 --> 00:17:10,031
or I'll call security.
410
00:17:10,032 --> 00:17:11,866
[INTERCOM BEEPS]
- Hello, security?
411
00:17:11,867 --> 00:17:13,768
You better get up here,
'cause there's a black woman
412
00:17:13,769 --> 00:17:17,238
about two seconds away
from kicking Hank's ass.
413
00:17:17,239 --> 00:17:18,940
No, no, no, no, Ash. Leave him,
414
00:17:18,941 --> 00:17:20,675
'cause I got my own algorithm.
415
00:17:20,676 --> 00:17:23,611
See, if you run my son in this ad,
416
00:17:23,612 --> 00:17:26,614
I have 12 million followers
on social media.
417
00:17:26,615 --> 00:17:30,318
Now, I want you to add that
to the sum of their followers,
418
00:17:30,319 --> 00:17:33,187
and then I want you to
divide that by the square root
419
00:17:33,188 --> 00:17:36,057
of every black person that
went to see "Black Panther"
420
00:17:36,058 --> 00:17:39,861
opening weekend worldwide.
421
00:17:39,862 --> 00:17:42,463
And you multiply that
by the fire and fury
422
00:17:42,464 --> 00:17:45,066
of Black Twitter,
and you know what that equals?
423
00:17:45,067 --> 00:17:47,869
Um, is it a national dialogue
424
00:17:47,870 --> 00:17:51,472
that'll take down
the entire Game Swag empire?
425
00:17:51,473 --> 00:17:56,176
Mm. #GameOverGameSwag.
426
00:17:57,111 --> 00:17:58,880
[WHISPERING] What is Black Twitter?
427
00:17:58,881 --> 00:18:01,581
I just Googled it, sir.
428
00:18:02,116 --> 00:18:05,453
Oh. Wow.
429
00:18:05,454 --> 00:18:07,422
Um, fine.
430
00:18:07,423 --> 00:18:09,557
We'll remove Zack from the ad.
431
00:18:09,558 --> 00:18:11,359
Yeah, you damn right you will.
432
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:12,694
Let's go, Marlon.
433
00:18:12,695 --> 00:18:14,528
We gotta go break our son's heart.
434
00:18:16,597 --> 00:18:19,968
You lucky I didn't flip this table.
435
00:18:19,969 --> 00:18:21,668
[GRUNTS]
436
00:18:22,798 --> 00:18:24,831
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
437
00:18:24,832 --> 00:18:26,499
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN]
438
00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:28,735
Dad, my phone's been blowing up,
439
00:18:28,736 --> 00:18:31,137
and two of them are girls. [LAUGHS]
440
00:18:31,138 --> 00:18:33,306
Yeah, they wanna know
when his ad is gonna drop.
441
00:18:33,307 --> 00:18:37,143
Yeah, we gotta talk
to you about that, son.
442
00:18:37,144 --> 00:18:40,914
Sweetheart, we have some bad news.
443
00:18:40,915 --> 00:18:42,916
Sit.
444
00:18:42,917 --> 00:18:45,085
[SIGHS]
445
00:18:45,086 --> 00:18:49,189
Mommy and I had to pull
your Game Swag ad.
446
00:18:49,190 --> 00:18:51,157
You... what did you do?
447
00:18:51,158 --> 00:18:53,927
Boy, you better take
that bass out your voice.
448
00:18:57,431 --> 00:19:00,600
Honey, having a black child
449
00:19:00,601 --> 00:19:03,770
with a shirt that says
"monkey" on it is wrong.
450
00:19:03,771 --> 00:19:05,538
- Why?
- Zack,
451
00:19:05,539 --> 00:19:09,276
"monkey" is a name that racists
use to degrade black people,
452
00:19:09,277 --> 00:19:11,411
to equate us with animals.
453
00:19:11,412 --> 00:19:12,746
Mm.
454
00:19:12,747 --> 00:19:16,249
See, now, that baby reads.
455
00:19:16,250 --> 00:19:19,119
But I already told all my
friends I was gonna be famous.
456
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:20,887
[LAUGHS SOFTLY]
Okay, and that's cool, son,
457
00:19:20,888 --> 00:19:22,922
but what do you wanna be famous for?
458
00:19:22,923 --> 00:19:27,794
I mean, do you wanna be
a hero or a sellout?
459
00:19:27,795 --> 00:19:32,532
I mean, do you wanna be
Dr. Martin Luther King
460
00:19:32,533 --> 00:19:34,267
or Dr. Ben Carson?
461
00:19:36,170 --> 00:19:38,972
Do you wanna be Rosa Parks
462
00:19:38,973 --> 00:19:40,640
or Omarosa?
463
00:19:41,809 --> 00:19:44,277
Do you wanna be Mrs. Dash
464
00:19:44,278 --> 00:19:46,980
or Stacey Dash?
465
00:19:46,981 --> 00:19:48,815
Yeah, I don't know where
I went with that last part,
466
00:19:48,816 --> 00:19:50,283
but what I'm trying to say is,
467
00:19:50,284 --> 00:19:52,719
one of those things
don't have any flavor.
468
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:56,623
So you gotta ask yourself, son,
469
00:19:56,624 --> 00:19:59,058
which one do you wanna be?
470
00:19:59,994 --> 00:20:01,961
[SIGHS]
471
00:20:05,099 --> 00:20:07,500
I wanna be a hero, Dad.
472
00:20:07,501 --> 00:20:10,837
- You made the right decision.
- Yeah, and we're proud of you.
473
00:20:10,838 --> 00:20:14,507
[LAUGHS SOFTLY] You want a ginger ale?
474
00:20:14,508 --> 00:20:17,510
Nah, models drink ginger ale.
475
00:20:17,511 --> 00:20:19,946
I'll take a Capri Sun like a nobody.
476
00:20:19,947 --> 00:20:22,982
- Okay.
- Like you.
477
00:20:27,121 --> 00:20:29,255
My bad.
478
00:20:29,256 --> 00:20:31,524
I guess I got caught up
in the whole opportunity thing
479
00:20:31,525 --> 00:20:33,793
for Zack and kinda let my guard down.
480
00:20:33,794 --> 00:20:35,995
Marlon, you couldn't have known.
481
00:20:35,996 --> 00:20:38,198
Well, I'll tell you this much.
482
00:20:38,199 --> 00:20:40,300
Next time opportunity knocks,
I'ma look right through
483
00:20:40,301 --> 00:20:42,335
the peephole,
and if it's some white guy
484
00:20:42,336 --> 00:20:45,038
wearing a expensive suit
and some worn-down Chucks,
485
00:20:45,039 --> 00:20:46,773
I'ma be like, "Nah, opportunity.
486
00:20:46,774 --> 00:20:49,042
- We good over here."
- Here you go.
487
00:20:49,043 --> 00:20:51,878
- What you giving me milk for?
- Oh, you need it.
488
00:20:51,879 --> 00:20:53,713
You couldn't dead-lift
a conference table,
489
00:20:53,714 --> 00:20:55,048
all that working out you do?
490
00:20:55,049 --> 00:20:57,050
Girl, I did legs this morning.
491
00:20:57,051 --> 00:20:58,952
Look at this. Ass to the grass.
492
00:20:58,953 --> 00:21:00,787
Look at them squats. Look at that.
493
00:21:00,788 --> 00:21:02,722
Ooh, feel that, girl. Feel that.
494
00:21:02,723 --> 00:21:04,357
- I'm not feeling it.
- That is tight.
495
00:21:04,358 --> 00:21:06,126
I know you ain't talking,
with your little bird legs.
496
00:21:06,127 --> 00:21:07,627
Hey!
36789
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