All language subtitles for Girlfriends Guide to Divorce 1x10

Previously on
Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce...

Abby, they want you to do
a piece--ten dates in two days.

- Who posts a picture of that?
- Tons of guys.

I know that man.
He is a dad at school.

He's a married dad.

Homegrown--
An urban farm

working
with recovering addicts

to give them
employable skills.

The only
out of our situation

is if I'm at least open
to the casual encounter.

I know why he's been staring
at me. He works at the Getty.

I left my wife.

Do you have to comment
on all the proceedings?

I'm so sorry.
It's just a habit.

My wife used to say--

- Don't talk about your wife.
- Oh, right.

First you declare
some kind of affection,

and then you have sex
with Courtney?

- I did it for us.
- Oh, my God.

You need to get
out of here. Go.

You're a writer?

Well, I don't think
you can call yourself that

when you haven't been published,
but I did write this.

Would you be comfortable
passing it on to your editor?

I want to be the pretty,
pretty princess.

I don't want to be
a resource.

Um...

RULE # 3
DON'T STAND IN THE DOORWAY

Oh, Will.

You make the Earth move.

Holy shit!

Mom!

THE DESCENT

Sync and corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

Okay, what is
the most important thing

to remember
during an earthquake?

Don't panic.

That's right.
Do not panic.

Jo, you were outside,
running around, screaming.

Naked, and I saw
your butt, Aunt Jo.

And naked, calling 911.

Who did nothing,
by the way.

It's an earthquake.
It's a little tremor.

- It's completely normal.
- Oh, it's perfectly normal.

Really?
A roof beam comes down on you,

it'll amputate your leg
faster than a doctor

in the Civil War.
Mark my word, okay?

Gone to leg heaven.

M?s huevos,
por favor.

- Thanks, Abby.
- Gracias.

I like
the parmesan-cheese touch.

Did the school
give you your interview time?

Oh, yeah, she's got
an interview tomorrow.

The Center
is her first choice.

It's the only school
that offers Japanese, Russian,

and Chinese
in eighth grade.

Can you believe this?

Thanks for letting
me shadow you today.

It's fine.

I'd like
to get there early

to get the lay of the land.

You know what they say?
Better never than late.

- Did you just make that up?
- I wish.

George Bernard Shaw.

Come on, Charlie,
come on, Chad.

Okay, we're coming.

Oh, my God,
Chad does not like anyone.

That's incredible.

She's amazing
with imaginary friends.

I love you.

Hi, Warren.
How are you?

- Come on, Chad.
- Can I call you back?

Because I'm just getting
the kids ready for school.

Okay.

Uh, Great.
Oh, great.

Thank you.

Uh, thank you
for calling. Okay.

Oh, my God.

- What was that?
- That was my agent.

HuffPo posted
my article today.

And?

- And I'm trending.
- What?

Why Aren't You Divorced Yet
is trending.

Hot shit. Look at you.
You broke through the clutter.

- I broke through the clutter.
- Whoo!

Oh, thank God,
Noah's fine.

He's in the shower. Logan slept
through the whole thing.

He was like,

"There was an earthquake?"

Amazing.

Is it normal
for an eight-year-old

to snore like
a hibernating bear?

Please, I'm not adding
that to my list of things

to worry about.

- Max.
- Yeah?

About my trip last week
to Texas.

We are
on a need-to-know basis,

and I do not need to know.

The final divorce decree

simply requires your signature
on all the indicated pages,

and your marriage
will be legally dissolved.

Please show Mr. Beech
to your desk.

Congratulations,
Mr. Beech.

Mr. Beech, this way.

Uh, could we have
a moment alone

before I sign?

Actually,
I have a meeting waiting,

but my paralegal
here is also a notary,

and when you are ready,

she will be able to take care
of all your needs

much better than I can.

Gordon, you need to go.

Will you shut up for a second
and let me talk?

I realize
that you're still angry,

but I want you to look me
in the eye

and tell me that you have never
done anything questionable

during a battle.

That is not
the point, okay?

This is about...

trust--

Something neither you or I
is good at.

Well, I see that
as a net plus.

We go into this thing
with our eyes wide open.

We're cynical, sure,
but we're equal.

Two peas
in an amoral pod, huh?

I see that Variety
listed you

in their
Top 40 under 40 issue.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

The article
listed you as single.

So?
I am.

I just booked a suite
at the Four Seasons in Bora-Bora

for next week--
Come with me.

We'll have very dirty,
hot makeup sex,

and then we'll fight again
so we can have some more.

Think about it,
Ms. Banai.

- Mwah. Go have fun.
- Blow their minds, babe, okay?

Learn something.

You nervous?

Don't be nervous.

Listen, I can't have this thing
go sideways, okay?

You sure I don't have
to write a big, fat check

or blow somebody, you know,

pull out the Latino card
or anything like that?

- Stop. Stop.
- What?

I'm gonna introduce you
to the fund-raising committee.

They have huge pull
in admissions,

and besides,
Zooey is so fantastic.

Of course
they're gonna take her.

Wow.
What is happening?

Bring it.

Business Barbie,
explain.

I'm going
to meet Marco.

I thought you were
on a man-cation.

Oh, it's not like that.
I actually have an amazing idea

to expand Homegrown's
visibility.

Really?

And Ford helped me design
an incredible marketing idea,

so I'm gonna go pitch it
to Marco right now.

This is incredible.

By the way,
your HuffPo piece--

- Genius.
- Thank you.

I would get divorced again if
I wasn't already divorced twice.

Thank you so much.
What a sweet thing to say.

Um, so who's the guy?

- Come on, give it to me.
- Which one?

You know, the Tinder guy,
who is he? Date number five.

- The penis guy.
- No, I'm not telling you.

- Abby McCarthy, give it to me.
- No.

- Abby McCarthy.
- Lips are sealed.

- Taking it to the grave.
- I want--

I'm a journalist.

I don't reveal my sources.

This isn't over.

Okay, take a deep breath.

- Lay of the land.
- Uh-huh.

Cheryl Platt is head
of the committee--blonde hair,

- usually in a ponytail.
- She's the alpha, got it.

She gives blood, sweat,
and money to the school,

and she essentially lives
inside the principal's ass.

So, if you kiss that ring,
your daughter is as good as in.

Time to turn
on my charm offensive.

More charm,
less offensive, please.

- Got it.
- Oh, my God.

- What?
- That's Karen Kline.

- Who?
- That's Nate's wife.

Nate, Nate, Nate, Nate--
The guy who was crap in bed.

Jackrabbit.

Oh, my gosh.
Does she know?

I doubt it. I think
they got back together.

Abby.

- Cheryl, hi.
- Hi.

How are you?

It's so good to see you.

Karen, I didn't know
you were on this committee.

Oh, yeah,

I got bored with hot lunch,
decided to try something new.

I love that.
This is--this is my friend Jo.

Her daughter
is an applicant.

Hi.
A minority applicant.

Josefina Hern?ndez-Frumpkis.
Es encantada.

Nice to meet you.
I like your ponytail.

Muffins, lovely.
Look at that.

Very nice muffins.

So we've all been buzzing
about your piece in the HuffPo.

Oh, yeah?
Thank you.

- Some pretty bold stuff.
- Yeah.

Well, dish.

Who's the cheater guy?

What?

Date number five.

Oh.

Come on, Abby,
it's just us.

Is he a parent here
at the Center?

Don't you think we should talk
about fund-raising?

Don't you think
we have a right

to know if one of our husbands
is putting his penis on Tinder?

Um, you know what?

I'm a journalist, and I have
to protect my sources.

Is that what that was--
Journalism?

Look, Abby, some
of us like our husbands.

We want to know if there's
a problem so we can fix it,

even though most married
people--how did you say?--

Are bound in a codependent
death spiral.

Well, I wasn't insinuating that
everyone needs to get a divorce.

I was merely saying--

I'm sorry, but what kind
of junior-high mommy mafia

anti-feminist
bullshit is this?

Have we all not seen
The Vagina Monologues?

- Okay, Jo, you don't--
- Ladies, it's not her fault

that your husband's cheating
on you or your husband

or your husband
or your husband.

If he screwed her,
that's fine.

It would have been someone else
if he didn't screw her.

- Okay.
- She doesn't need

- to wear your scarlet A, okay?
- Jo.

She's a brilliant,
badass single woman

entitled to screw
as many hot dudes as she wants,

and if you don't like it,
suck it, ladies!

Okay?

So nice meeting you... c'mon.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Why didn't you
shut me down?

Shut you down?

You know the Mouth
has impulse-control issues.

It's like trying
to shut the Hulk down.

I forgot to take my Concerta
this morning.

I am so mortified.

- Shit, shit.
- God.

Okay, you know what?

I just--I'm sorry,
but I-I couldn't stand to watch

those judg-o-nauts bully
you like that.

It was Mean Girls on steroids.
Not okay.

Thank you so much
for being my friend.

I appreciate that,

but that is not the kind
of help that I need.

Oh, God. The one thing that
my baby wanted, I screwed it up.

I'm never gonna eat hot lunch
in this town again.

I definitely have to blow
someone now, don't I?

- Oh, my God.
- I got to blow someone.

- Do not.
- Oh, yeah.

No, no, no, no, no,
you will not do that.

You will write a big, fat check
to the school.

You will give it to them
before her interview.

All will be forgotten.
I promise you that.

You're gonna be fine.

I, on the other hand,

am completely screwed
and would have to lay low,

like, incredibly low,
like, mine shaft low.

I mean, so low, just--

Hello?

This is Abby McCarthy.

Uh, hi, Amanda from HuffPo.

Uh, today?
A sit-down?

Uh, yes, yes,
I can make that happen.

What time?

Great, I'll be there.

So it's like
an edible schoolyard?

Yeah, it's farm-to-table,

Alice Waters, which is
all the rage these days.

Yeah, no, no, it's catchy.

The idea is that we
use your produce

to build edible walls at schools
around the city--

Fresh fruits and veggies
for the kids

and free PR for Homegrown.

Best part is,

I don't think you're gonna have
to put up a dime.

Good, because
I don't have it.

I know.
So Ford hooked us up.

It turns out
his client, Coca-Cola,

has money earmarked
for eco-sponsorship,

and--and I'm pretty sure they
cover all the startup costs.

- Mm.
- What?

You must think I'm some kind
of asshole, huh?

What?

You want me to take
corporate money.

Sorry, love, not interested.

Marco. Hey, Marco, look--

I'm not--

Look, what you do here
is special,

and I appreciate
your principles,

but you are perpetually
five minutes

from being
out of business.

Hey, you know,
that's the nature of the beast.

Okay, exactly.

This deal would increase
your profile,

and it will keep
your doors open.

All Coke is asking for
is a little plaque

and a meeting with you.

That's it.

You'd have to be an asshole
to pass this up.

Did you just
call me an asshole?

Yes, I did.

Why don't you use their money
to push your agenda?

Nice digs.

Yeah, well, you know,

if they're gonna keep us
chained to our desks,

the least they can do
is give us a view, right?

- Oh, my God.
- Hey, Rosie?

Who are these from?

They're
from Josh Groban.

What?
Oh, my gosh, the Grobes?

Oh,
I'm a huge Grobanite.

Apparently he saw you
in the "40 under 40" article

and wants to take you to dinner.
Josh Groban?

- Josh Groban?
- Wow. 40 under 40, nice.

It is PR puffery,
but it is good for business.

Thanks, Rosie.

Okay, if you're gonna
pass on him,

I'll take sloppy seconds.

I bet I could make that voice
drop at least an octave.

Huh?

Oh, you're not laughing?

You got some bad news?

Yeah.

I looked
through your financials,

and, honey,
you are rich on paper,

but you're
very cash-poor.

I know that
the bakery money

is--is tied up in the new store
and everything,

but what about
the--the savings?

Well, obviously a chunk
of it went into the horses.

- Horses?
- Mm-hmm.

No, I'm sorry. There's got to be
some kind of mistake.

I-I don't horse.

Well, then why do
you own six thoroughbreds

on your stud farm
in Kentucky?

Stud what?

Hi.

Oh, great.

Abby.

- Hi.
- Don't get up. Don't get up.

- Amanda, Huffington Post.
- Sorry. Hi.

I'm sorry. I was stuck
in a meeting...

- No, it's okay.
- All about you, my dear.

Me?

Wow. My article
just came out.

I guess that's
what happens when you trend.

Well, you are now
trending with Arianna,

because she really
loved your piece.

Arianna Huffington?

We were all impressed
with how you bounced back

from that YouTube fiasco.

- Oh, did she see that?
- Everybody did.

It could have been
a career killer,

but you owned it.

Advocating for divorce--

I mean, that took
some serious balls.

Yeah.

Tell me, please, was
the bow-tie penis story true?

That is hilarious.
From balls to penis.

That's my segue.

I know.
That's a wonderful segue.

Yes, it is a true story,

and, in fact,
it was a hot-pink bow tie

on a rather engorged, uh,
uncircumcised...

reddish penis.

I wouldn't have gone
with hot pink.

- That's so crazy.
- That's not the right color.

It's not his color.

That is just perfect,
perfect, perfect.

That's what we want,
your unique take

on the whole divorce dating
landscape--

The good, the bad,
and the ugly,

raw, sexy, uncensored
Abby McCarthy.

Raw, sexy,
uncensored, wow.

We love it.

We're thinking
front-page promotion

and making you editor-at-large,
Huff Post Divorce.

Um, that's incredible.
Wow.

I-I don't know
what to say.

You are having a moment.

If I were you,
I'd say yes.

- Hi.
- Hey.

What's going on?
Did somebody die?

Lilly's been
getting bullied at school.

What? Why?
What happened?

I don't understand
why this is such a big deal.

It's a big deal becau--

Jake?

There's a list
going around school,

a slut list,
and Lilly's on it.

Oh, my God.

***

Charlie!

***

What are you talking about?

Look, the parents are talking
about the Huffington Post article,

just like they used to talk
about your books

and our kids' poops
and colics,

except now it's ten dates
in two days

and an electric
sexual encounter

and a penis cheater
with a bow tie.

So it's my fault?

- Abby--
- That's not fair.

Abby, the parents talk.
The kids aren't deaf.

I don't want
to fight about this,

'cause I'm gonna call
the principal,

and I'm gonna get
to the bottom of this.

Good, and in the mean--
Abby?

And in the meantime,

I think you need to lay off the
50 Shades of Abby Shit.

While we have a daughter
in high school.

Well, that's gonna be
a little difficult,

because Arianna Huffington
read my "column of shame,"

and she loved it,

and she's offered me
a full-time gig.

Okay, I think that is
a really, really bad idea.

Well, I think I really,
really need to pay

for the crack
in the foundation,

and I think I really need to pay

for your "$8 billion a month"
spousal support.

Hey, keep your voice down.

Horses!

Goddamn,
motherfrickin' horses.

I don't understand. Why would
Frumpkis buy six horses?

We went
to a renaissance fair once.

He nearly keeled over
from an asthma attack.

It doesn't make any sense.

You know what?

The important thing is...

what are you gonna do?

I told Delia
to keep on digging.

I want to know every cent
that son of a bitch

has spent or hidden
in the past five years.

Mm.

Mm.

Zooey's got
to nail that interview now.

She's got to nail it.

No big checks
for a while.

- You want this?
- Mm-mm.

A couple of bites
of high fructose corn syrup

and all your troubles
will disappear.

I have my corn syrup.

Good for you.
Skinny bitch.

I brought the hall of shame
on to my family, Jo.

Oh, come on.

Did my piece put Lilly
on the slut list?

Am I the slut?

Definitely not.

You're not even
sleeping with a man.

You're sleeping
with a manuscript.

You've got to call this guy,

or you've got to read this
or something.

Are you afraid it's bad?

Who cares? What, are you
gonna marry the guy?

Come on,
just call him.

There's one more cupcake
downstairs.

I'm gonna split it
with you.

No, I won't.
It's all mine.

I'm on a Frumpkis bender.

Yes!

That was amazing.

Ford, you were
so smooth and sexy,

you could sell
those Coke guys a Sprite.

What did you call us--
Next-gen urban locavores?

Oh, that's
just marketing BS.

It was you two
that they loved.

Phoebe's passion
for reclaiming space

and your thoughts on
health-oriented social justice--

They ate that stuff up.

Ford, thank you for putting
all this together, man.

Hey, thank this lady.

All right,
I need to get to it.

- Mwah, mwah.
- Thank you for everything.

Look forward
to working together

and go kick
some hydroponic butt.

Oh, my God, we
have to go celebrate.

Please,
can we celebrate?

Why--
What is that face?

Does the signage
have to say Homegrown...

- Oh, my God.
- Presented by Coca-Cola?

Marco, please, please.

Sometimes you have to give
a little to get a lot.

You're right, Phoebe.

Thank you for--
For what Ford said.

I mean, your passion is--
It's incredible.

Whoa.
Um...

- Oh, wow.
- Phoebe, I'm sorry.

Did I give a--
The wrong vibe?

No, you did not--did not give
the wrong vibe.

I'm sorry.

Um, I'm gonna go.

I am such an idiot.
Oh, my God.

You've reached Max McCarthy
and McCarthy Landscapes.

Please leave a message.

Hey, babe, it's me again.

Give me a ring.

The Getty Center?

I don't care if your client
is from Bordeaux.

My client
gets half the wine cellar,

or you will see my smiling face
in court.

Gordon Beech is holding.

Thanks.

Yes?

So I understand
playing hard to get,

but this is getting
a little silly, don't you think?

I'm not playing.

- I'm mulling.
- Take a risk.

In my profession,

we learn to evaluate the risks
and act accordingly.

Fine.

Evaluate your risks

with me on the most
beautiful beach in the world.

The plane
leaves Friday night.

I'll pick you up at 8:00.

Say yes...

or yes.

Maybe.

You know, in 20 years,

you're going to be
more disappointed by the things

you didn't do
than the ones you did.

That's Mark Twain.

Yes.

But it's also me.

I'm just asking you
to give us a chance.

Your persistence
is charming.

I'll take that
as an "I'll see you then."

- This just came by messenger.
- Oh.

It's from the PI
you put on Frumpkis.

Great.
That was fast.

Oh, no.

As you know,
we have zero tolerance

for bullying
here at the Center.

That's great, Vicki.

So what exactly
are you doing about this?

Okay.

We've already done
our own investigation.

We know who's
behind the stunt.

Unfortunately,
this cyber activity took place

off school campus,

so we have
limited jurisdiction.

- Jurisdiction?
- What does that mean?

The list hasn't been
distributed on campus.

No school computers
were used.

We've issued a stern warning,
and we've contacted the parents,

but otherwise,

our hands are tied.

Your hands are tied.
How much tuition do we pay here?

- It's a lot of money, isn't it?
- Yeah.

In situations like this,
we find it most effective

if the families
sit down together,

talk it through,
make it a teachable moment.

The teachable moment is when
the school expels the person

responsible
for the slut list.

O-Okay, so we will take it
from here.

You tell us
who's responsible.

We will contact
the parents ourselves.

Fine.

The so-called slut list
was created by Dorie Klein,

Nate and Karen Klein's daughter.

Perhaps you know them.

I believe we do.

- Hey.
- Hey.

All right, Lilly,
let's go.

Do we really
have to do this?

Yes, Lilly,
we really have to.

Sticking your head
in the sand

isn't gonna make
the problem go away.

Come on, sweetie.

Just so I'm clear about what
I'm getting myself into here,

does Mrs. Nate know
about the cyber relationship?

No. No.

I don't think so.

You don't thi--

Jake, Abby.

- Hey.
- Hey.

It was lovely getting
to know you, Zooey.

Likewise,
Ms. Barrows.

Ms. Frumpkis, thank you so much
for the pastries.

- They were delicious.
- Hern�ndez-Frumpkis.

Yes, you're so very welcome.

So when can Zooey
start officially?

Well, I'm afraid
I have some disappointing news.

After speaking with the board
this morning,

it seems we can't accommodate
a new student mid-semester.

We'd be more than happy
to view her application

again for next fall.

The board?

Would that be the same moms

who run the fund-raising
committee, by any chance?

Thank you, Ms. Barrows.
We'll be sure to do that.

It was such a pleasure
meeting you.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, baby.

It's okay, Mom. I can always
homeschool until September.

Yeah, of course.

Of course.
It'll be easy.

What's going on, Delia?

What kind of info?

I'm glad we're having
this conversation in person.

I mean, it just--you know, it
makes it so much more civilized.

Exactly, because things
can just get lost in translation

when people
aren't in the same room.

Exactly.

Much better than
the phone or texting,

right, Abby?

Yeah.

Okay, so, this is--
This is going well so far.

We have some cookies
and some tea and kids,

and here we are,
talking all civilized,

like a couple of members
of the Directors' Guild

trying to hash through
a tough scene.

- Right, Jake?
- Yeah.

And one Oscar between them.

Right.

Anyway,
we talked to Dorie,

and it seems it was just
bad judgment on her part.

I'm sorry.

It wasn't a big deal.
I took it down.

That's great.
Thank you, Dorie.

I still think that this is
a teachable moment, though.

I think we should talk
about why it's so offensive

to call girls sluts.

- Oh, my God, Mom, seriously.
- Lilly, it is--

When you call a girl a slut,

you make her feel bad
about her sexuality,

and there is nothing wrong
with female sexuality.

This is not happening.

I couldn't agree more, Abby.

Thank you so much.

Although the word could be
appropriate to describe,

say, a woman who had broken up
a marriage or something.

I don't know. Can a third party
really break up a marriage

that's not already broken?

Thank you.
That's right.

And that's just another form
of shaming, isn't it?

Shaming, exactly.

Even if the woman had sex
with a married man?

Well,
Dorie's apologized--

Hold on.
Hold on one second.

Can I ask you
a quick writing question?

Sure.

Okay, so let's say
you got a writing partner,

and you guys are texting

for, like, a year,
working on a project.

I was under the impression
that that script

never actually got made.

Am I wrong?

- Oh, it got made.
- Really?

I-I never saw it, but I heard
it was a huge flop.

Huh.

It was a great script.
It was a terrible movie.

Well, see, I didn't know a
movie had actually gotten made.

Me neither, Jake.

One of the people
wasn't supposed to be working

outside the studio system.

Well, I was told that person
was free to do independent work.

What movie?

You know, sometimes an actor
will leave a project

only to realize that he has made
a terrible mistake.

Sean Connery,
for example, 007--

I mean, he took a little hiatus,
worked on a few other projects,

only to come back
to the role

that he really loved,
James Bond.

Can Lilly and I go now?

Do you think maybe it
would have been a good idea

to tell me
you had slept with the guy?

- Really?
- We were already separated.

- That's not the point.
- It wasn't relevant.

Okay, so just so I know,
there's Nate.

There's the handsome guy
from the garage.

How many guys
from the article did you bang?

Maybe I slept
with all of them.

It's none of your
goddamn business, Jake.

You are unbelievable.
You know that?

Really?

Hey, Jo.

So what did you do today?

School stuff,
mostly--PTA,

more gridlock in Congress
on banning

apple juice.

Huh. So what were you doing
at the Getty?

I was working up a bid
on a project.

They're redoing a piece
of that south terrace.

Okay, wow.
That's a big deal.

- Mm-hmm.
- Why didn't you tell me?

Who knows how many bids
they're getting?

Probably a long shot,
and you were--

You were checking up on me.

No, no, no. I was concerned
when you didn't answer.

- "Concerned"?
- Yes.

When two calls
went to voice mail?

What is going on with you?

Okay, fine.

Look, the guy who brought me in
at the Getty is Duncan Hawley.

Duncan Hawley, the pretty one
that we met at Outfest?

- Mm-hmm.
- Well, how'd that happen?

Ran into him
while you were away, and--

- You broke the rules.
- No.

Rule one, no screwing anybody
we both know.

Shh!

I didn't screw him.
I just kissed him.

Then I stopped it.
It'll never happen again.

He understands, and he's
offering me an opportunity.

Yes, because he's trying
to screw you.

So it's inconceivable

that he would be interested
in me for my talent?

- I didn't say that.
- Really?

'Cause it sure as shit
sounded like that.

Okay, what--I don't understand
what's happening.

Is this still
about the horse farm?

The horse farm is just the tip
of the iceberg made of shit.

And lies.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

A "lieberg"
that is a marriage certificate

from Kentucky, 2010.

Oh, my God. "Robert Frumpkis
and Charlene Rae Vinson"?

Jesus.

My husband is a polygamist
Colonel Sanders

living in Kentucky with
his equestrian wife, Charlene.

How does this happen? How do
you keep a secret like this?

Business trips in London.

All those times
I took him to the airport,

I thought he was going
to Heathrow.

He was going to Louisville.

Louisville, huh?

I don't know
what I'm gonna tell Zooey.

No, no. You're not gonna
tell Zooey right now, okay?

We're gonna focus on you.

We're gonna get you
through this, Jo.

Uh, it's open, come in.

- Hey, Pheebs.
- Hey.

Come on in.

I'm humiliated.

Join the goddamn club.

What--what's going on
with you?

Um, my husband
has a second family.

- What?
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

- Crazy.
- He lives in Kentucky.

Oh, my God.

- Hillbilly horse people.
- You win, mama.

- Yeah.
- You know what?

My mom always said
when life gives you lemons,

drink whiskey.

- Mmm.
- That is good advice.

- It's an earthquake.
- Yeah.

Charlie, Lilly,
get under something!

- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!
- Oh, my God.

Zooey, baby,
it's gonna be okay!

- Oh, Jesus!
- Oh, my God!

- Kids?
- Zooey?

Oh, my God.

Shit.

- Kids?
- Mama, mama, mama.

- Charlie.
- That was crazy.

Yes, it was crazy.

- Lilly, how are you?
- Fine.

That was a big one, I know.

Watch the glass.
There's a lot of glass.

Phoebe, where are your kids?

Oh, they're in New York,
thank God, with Ralf.

Oh, my God, Abby,

the power's out
in the whole neighborhood.

I cannot believe you
guys live in this hell mouth.

We are seconds away
from something biblical.

Soon it's gonna be--it's gonna
be locusts and cattle disease.

- Jo.
- Mama, I'm scared.

Are you scared?

I'm okay.
We're okay.

We're fine. We're all together.
It's just dark.

I don't like the dark.

I know, sweetheart.
I know.

But you know
what we're gonna do?

We're gonna have
an earthquake party.

- Ooh.
- Yeah.

What's an earthquake party?

We're gonna get your tent,
and we are gonna build a fort

all over the middle
of this living room,

and you can use my phone light.
How about that?

Lilly, will you and Zooey
go get the sleeping bags?

Help them out with that.
I'm gonna sweep.

- Phoebe?
- Yeah?

- The Dustbuster, somewhere
in the closet. - Okay.

My foot's bleeding like I'm
in a Monty Python sketch.

Oh, we got a
flesh wound, good one.

- Oh.
- Over here.

Okay, Phoebe,
you help me with Jo.

Delia, underneath
the kitchen sink

is a bunch of emergency lanterns
and stuff like that,

and can you keep an eye
on Charlie while I fix Jo?

- Have fun.
- Worst day of my frickin' life.

- Okay, I've got all kinds of--
- Delia doesn't do kids.

Let me light your pathway.
There you go.

I can give you
emergency stitches.

I won't really do that.

Do you like camping?

I'm just cleaning,
so don't panic.

This isn't the hard part.

- Grab my hand.
- Make sure the light stays.

Yeah.

- I blew it with Marco.
- What?

I know.

We had this amazing meeting,
and what do I do after? I--

You kissed him?

Oh, my God,
am I that predictable?

- You are.
- Ugh.

Man, Lyla would give me
so much shit for that.

Lyla would smack you
in the head.

She would. She always said
I led with my "vagine."

Ugh.
Can we just say vagina?

No, because the vagina
goes to the doctor

and delivers babies.

The "vagine" is, like,
this magical...

power source,

or it's your sensuality.

Both have to be balanced
to stay in harmony.

Huh.
I've never really heard

the Dalai Lama
express that theory before.

I need to stop
leading with sex.

I need to start leading
with me.

I just--the me part
is very elusive.

Honey, you know what?
You are kicking ass.

- You really are.
- Thank you.

You know, and old habits die--
Okay, wait a minute.

I think this is the last one.
Okay, yeah.

Ready? One, two, three.
Out.

Thank God. I've had enough
of this earnest bullshit.

My husband has
a second family,

and I need to get trashed.

Don't marry the bastard
in the first place.

That's your next
HuffPo article.

Yeah, that sounds good.

There's not gonna
be any more HuffPo articles,

not if it's gonna destroy
my daughter's life.

Emases Nepo!

What was that?

It means "open sesame"
backwards.

You have to say it
to get in.

Emases Nepo!

Ow.

Oh, God,
what is that smell?

Chad's farts.

Who's Chad?

- My imaginary friend.
- Oh.

He's afraid of the dark.

How do you stop being afraid
of something?

I don't know.
I guess you, um...

make yourself
do that thing

that you're afraid of,
and then you realize

you're not afraid
anymore.

You just thought you were.

What are you afraid of?

Commitment.

That's stupid.

How come girls
don't have penises?

- Abby?
- Hey. Hey.

- Hey.
- Everything's fine.

- Is everything okay?
- Yes, everything's fine.

They're--
They're in the tent.

Oh, my God, I must have broken
100 traffic laws getting here.

I know how Charlie
gets afraid of the dark.

He's okay.

I brought a bunch
of flashlights.

He's fine. He's good.
Everybody's good.

We have our
phone flashlights, Dad.

All right, good job, pal.

I have the emergency kits.
I have water.

Okay, did you--did you
remember to turn off the gas?

'Cause you've got
to get the gas off.

Everything's under control.

- You put it to the left?
- Yes.

- Okay. I see that. Good. Good.
- It's scary.

It's scary, I know.

- A big earthquake.
- Yeah.

Okay.

All: Yay!

- Mazel tov.
- Daddy comes,

and then
the lights come on.

All right, Charlie,
go get your PJs on.

No, Dad!
Earthquakes are fun!

Come in the tent with me.

Your dad's not staying.

Hmm.

THE DESCENT

Hi.

What's up?

Um, Mom, there's something
I haven't told you.

But you promise
not to be mad?

Um, I can't promise that,
but I will try.

Um, what happened at school
wasn't your fault...

- Mm.
- 'Cause...

I put myself
on the slut list.

What?

Why would you do that?

You're getting mad.

Why would you do that?

'Cause boys like girls
who they think do stuff.

Oh, my God,
that is so backwards.

Lilly, that whole list
is so backwards.

Boys may think they like girls
who do stuff,

but nine times out of ten, they
prefer girls who don't do stuff,

and they don't know that
until they do stuff

with girls
who don't do stuff.

I mean, there are definitely
guys who like girls

who do do stuff.

So am I supposed to do stuff
or not do stuff?

No, no, no, look, it's totally
fine if you do do stuff,

but you are way too young
to do stuff right now.

Sex is complicated.

It can be so great when it's
with the right person,

and it can be absolute shit
when it's with the wrong person,

and I'm sorry I used that word,
but it really is that bad.

Look, any guy
who likes you

because you are on that list
is the wrong guy,

exclamation point,

exclamation point,
exclamation point.

I read your article.

You did?

Did you--did you have sex
with all those guys

who you wrote about?

No, of course not.

Okay.
All the moms were talking.

I'll bet they were.
I'm not surprised.

It doesn't matter.

People aren't always gonna be
happy with my choices or yours,

and that is not
what matters.

What matters is
that you make choices

that are right for you and not
out of fear, you know.

That's what matters.

I think you should write
the column, then.

You do?

- Mm-hmm.
- Why?

Because you shouldn't
be slut shamed.

That's the most incredible thing

any daughter
could say to a mother--

"You shouldn't be
slut shamed."

I love you.

Don't worry.

Go to bed.

- Sweet dreams.
- Night.

Good night.

Okay, Will,
show me what you got.

Marco?

Hi.

Phoebe.

Um, first of all,
I was out of line,

and I-I want to apologize.

It's a tic, and I'm--
I'm working on it.

So I hope
you can forgive me.

- Okay.
- Okay.

And second of all, I just
got off the phone with Ford.

Coke is willing to eliminate the
signage for the pilot project.

After that, it'll be
a case-by-case basis.

I think it's
a pretty good deal,

but you have to be comfortable
with it.

So, if you are, great.

If you're not, I get it.

Questions?

Um...

no.

Are we good?

We are.

Cool.

The Hern�ndez-Frumpkis
lacrosse field?

Are you serious?
How did that happen?

- Oh, Delia's a genius.
- I know she is.

Since Rob's marriage to Charlene
Rae Vinson ain't legal...

Yeah?

Guess who owns half
the frickin' horses, baby?

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, yeah.

Did you donate a horse
to the school?

I sold a horse,
and I donated the proceeds

to get my baby
into this snobby joint.

Sold two more,
pocketed the cash.

Who knew there was
a horse section on eBay?

- That's incredible.
- Mm-hmm.

F you, Rob Frumpkis.

Yes, all the way to the bank,
apparently.

Go get 'em, baby.

Have fun, girls.

The things we do
for our kids.

Sorry about the traffic, Mr. Beech.

We should be at Miss Banai's
house in about ten minutes.

SORRY CAN'T MAKE IT.
GO WITHOUT ME...

Never mind, Tom.

Just take me home.

Hi.

She lives.

- Your book...
- Oh.

It's phenomenal.

I mean, I never knew that stuff
about, you know,

the details of the Sherpas'
lives and--and Nepal.

But more than that,
the writing--

You are so talented, Will.

I'm glad you liked it.

I've been an ass.
I've been a--

A douche-y, insecure,
immature ass,

and I guess I just...

Panicked?

I panicked.

Yeah.

I know you say
the whole age thing

doesn't mean anything
to you, but...

I--
Maybe it's my fear.

I see myself
through your eyes,

and I just think, "Why?"

Why?

You could have
anybody you want.

Abby, clearly...

you don't see yourself
through my eyes,

because if you did...

you wouldn't act
like such an idiot.

Sync and corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com