All language subtitles for Girlfriends Guide to Divorce 1x09

Previously on
Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce...

My Infant Fabuleux
press preview's tomorrow.

You have to tell me
if this is stupid.

I think it's beneath you.

- Just admit you're bored.
- No, no, no, no, no.

There's a big difference
between being bored

and being suffocated.

I want to sleep with you.

You're the one that wants
to sleep with everyone else.

Jo, I thought
you were coming tonight.

Eh, I decided
not to lose the day.

- Hey.
- Hi. I wish I knew.

You don't have to say it.

I wish I was
in the right place for you.

I'm not the one
who told you to tell

the world
you were full of shit.

Do I need to remind you

that I don't know where
our next dollar's coming from?

I'm in real trouble.

- I left Frumpkis.
- What?

For...

good this time.

That's why Zooey's
coming down.

We're starting over.

RULE # 32
F-YOU, ROB FRUMPKIS!

I'm not getting
sucked in again.

No, you crossed the line,
Frumpkis!

Zooey's moving out here because
you are in no shape to be--

- Shh! Keep it down.
- What's that in the background?

You're gonna wake
everybody up.

Are you watching porn?

Oh, my God.

The whole household
can hear you.

Okay, you sick mother--
I'm hanging up.

- Unbelievable.
- Everybody hears you.

I hear this moaning
and this music

and then some dude yelling,
"I want to come on your tits."

Lilly coming down
the stairs.

Good morning, sweetheart.
How did you sleep?

What's with all
the yelling?

Lilly, let me tell you
a few things about men, okay?

They are beasts
led around by a one-eyed snake.

And that is the opinion
of one very angry woman.

Lilly, don't forget
that Jo's daughter,

Zooey, is coming to visit.

Yeah, you told me, like,
a million times.

Stop calling me!

Lose my number,
you disgusting pervert!

"Yeah,
you disgusting pervert."

Wow. I didn't know that Horny
knew that kind of language.

Well, his name is Horny.

Chad teaches Horny
a lot of bad words, Mama.

Does he?

Can I go watch TV now?

You can watch one program.

- Yeah!
- Drink your juice.

- Come back for breakfast.
- Okay.

- Let me ask you something.
- Yeah.

Is Frumpkis
on the same page as you

about Zooey being
in California?

Not exactly.

He doesn't even
know what day it is.

Then you need to get
with a lawyer on that.

My friend Lyla,
when she left--

Oh, yeah, what happened to her?
Where is she?

Oh, my God,
are you kidding?

I have told you that
8,000 times, but your head

is always on the screen.

You need to actually

look up once in a while,

maybe make eye contact
with somebody.

There's no fighting it.

Our children are cyborgs.

Robots are taking over
the world.

But don't worry,
because the robots

are gonna round up all the
old folks like me and your mom.

They're gonna grind us
into food for the Asians.

That is terrifying and racist
all at the same time.

- That was impressive.
- I try my best.

Sync and corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

Jesus, even watching you
put clothes on makes me hard.

Everything makes you hard.

Hey, gorgeous,

I was in a sexless marriage
for almost 11 years.

Velcro makes me hard.

I'd ask you to come back to bed,
but you'll probably say no.

I can't.

- Courtney knows about us.
- What?

Why didn't you say
something?

I wanted to tell you,

but we weren't doing
much talking last night.

She threatened
to go to Albert

unless we give up
the Asian market.

What did she say exactly?

Among other things,
that she'd have me disbarred.

Well, screw her.

Tell her to do her worst.

Gordon, her worst
is to have me disbarred,

and there goes my career.

And anyway, what ever
happened to,

"who gives a shit
about Korea?"

I don't,
but I do give a shit

about that woman
pushing us around.

And you don't even need
a career.

- You have me now.
- Excuse me?

I love my job,
and even if I didn't,

what, you're gonna
take care of me

and pay for the life
that you've ruined?

No, thank you.

Delia, listen.

Wow. Look at that.
Does she eat?

L.A., it's just so relentless--
The sun, the sky, the color,

skinny, sexy--where do
the depressed people go?

Oh, they're all depressed.
They're just heavily medicated.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

I just want my kid.
I need my kid.

Your kid's not even
gonna recognize me.

I haven't seen her since
she was, like, six years old.

Oh, she will recognize you.
She's got a lot on the ball.

Trust me, she's my brain.

She reminds me when
my pap smears are, seriously.

I wouldn't tell people that.
Hello? Warren?

Hi.

Abby, everyone's still
buzzing here about your pitch.

Really?
That's so exciting.

Look, an editor at Huffpo
loved it--

The whole train-wreck
post-split Abby angle.

- Well, that's not really--
- They want you to do a piece.

Ten dates in two days--

Really play up
the whole dating disaster angle.

Go big on the shock value,
the funny.

Yeah, but that sounds
so gimmicky.

It pays $1,500,

and the Huffpo divorce section
is huge.

You impress them,
you get your own column.

You're back in a big way--
Books, TV.

Think about it.

Okay.

- He hung up?
- That's what they do.

Um, Huff Post wants me to date
ten losers in two days.

I could do that
in my sleep.

I don't want to write
about wacky dating.

I want to be more authentic,
you know?

Well, you'll be authentic
when you get your own column.

In the meantime,
bullshit.

♪ Bullshit ♪

Hi.

Hi.

We're at an impasse.

Yep.

So let's solve it the way
we used to back in the day.

Okay.

Rock, paper, scissors?

N--uh, you, me, scotch.
Scotch.

Later, once the kids
are at school,

and we don't leave the table
until we agree.

Done.

Good.

How much?

$5,000 in child support
and $5,000 in spousal.

- Dollars?
- Yeah.

- A year?
- A month.

- A month?
- I know.

But look, believe it or not,

Jake could have asked
for a lot more.

These were the figures that were
generated by DissoMaster.

What is the DissoMaster?

It's the state-generated
support guidelines

that the courts use.

And they call it
the DissoMaster?

What is it,
the master of diss?

That is ridiculous.

Honey, you made a lot
of money last year.

Last year, yes,

but this year I would be lucky
to make half of what I--

It puts the heat on.
I know.

We have to negotiate this.

Jake can't expect me
to spend $10,000 a month on him.

Of course.

That's just
their opening salvo.

But child support
is what it is.

It's five grand a month.

Ugh.

Do you know ten awful guys
who might be willing to date me?

Can we just talk
about what a heel he is?

Because I'm just ready to punch
Jake so hard,

- he's gonna be shit teeth.
- I love it when you get all aggro on my behalf.

- Mama.
- Hi, hi, hi.

- Okay.
- How are you?

- Can you believe it?
- I'm so sorry.

I got your message.

This little Princess right here,
she's in sticker shock.

I'm homicidal.

Would an $8 tomato
make you feel better?

- Mm.
- I say we get wasted right now.

Just get out
of this ridiculous cornucopia

and to the nearest bar.

Lovely,
but I have to focus.

This is work. I need to find
ten horrible dates

for my Huffpo piece.

Point me to the Internet.
Hello?

I have a sixth sense
for finding terrible men.

What about Will?

I mean, he's not horrible,
but his dates start great

and end in bar fights,
tears, drama.

Oh, no,
I don't want to do that to him.

Why not?
He likes you.

I'm sure he'd be
willing to help.

It's like Doom Face
always says,

when you see a door open,
you just walk right through it.

- "Doom Face"?
- Life coach. Mine.

- What?
- Yeah, that's right.

I know. I know.
But she's the best.

- I can't believe it.
- I know.

Ever since I ditched
the jewelry line, I just--

I need a little guidance,
career-wise, life-wise.

She's having me interface more
with Anouk and Luco.

- I love that.
- Yeah.

And get this, big news--
Man-cation.

No dating.

Nothing until I find
my own path.

- This is very good advice.
- I know.

- Very good.
- I know. You know what?

I already--I'm feeling
more focused.

- I can see it.
- More grounded.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where are my children?

- You came with your...
- Oh, my God.

- Children. Oh, my God.
- Anouk? Luco?

I--
They're just so bad.

- I'll go this way.
- Wait. I'm sorry.

I'm gonna go
this way.

- You have kids?
- Luco.

Robbie, go ahead and grab
another case off the truck.

You two...

I said
no nightshade veggies,

and when you walk with Mama,
you have to keep up.

I hate to break it to you,
but I think these two

just ate their weight
in nightshades.

Oh. Oh.

Uh, we're just trying
a new system of eating,

so it doesn't matter.

You know,
none of my business,

but how can eating organic
heritage vegetables of any kind

be bad for them?

They have allergies,
so we're on an elimination diet.

Ah, well, now you'll know if
they're sensitive to tomatoes.

How about broccoli?
They like broccoli.

Do you have any broccoli?

Yep, big old pile
of broccoli right there.

I will take one
of those heads of broccoli.

You pick.

Perfect. That's a perfect
piece of broccoli.

"Homegrown Urban Farm.

"An urban farm working
with recovering addicts

to give them
employable skills."

Really?

Yeah, really.

You know, getting clean
isn't just about not using.

It's about finding
a new joy and purpose.

A lot of them
find that here with us.

- Kids are found.
- Oh.

That's fantastic.
Great.

- Cute.
- Awesome.

Oh, there they go again,
the slippery little shits.

Oh, my God.

This is, um, my new--

- Marco. Yeah.
- Yeah, Marco.

Hi. Abby.

He tantalized my kids
with his fabulous produce,

and he grows veggies
and helps people in recovery.

- Does he, now?
- Yeah.

That's great.

I was just about to tell him
that I am going to volunteer.

What?

Really? Sorry.

That's great.

Um, it was so nice
to meet you, Marco.

Don't forget
your broccoli.

Okay, bye.

Um...

What happened
to your man-cation?

Oh, my God,
I'm not into him like that.

It's just--he does good,
and I want to do good,

and Miss Doom Face said
that I need to volunteer

so I can be inspired
and learn.

Oh, my God,
give me that.

Where do you
put it, woman?

You are always
eating crap.

Yelling at Frumpkis
burns calories.

Mm.

Oh, all the girls
are up for Sunday.

We're thinking drinks
in the afternoon.

- You had me at "drinks."
- Perfect.

Okay.

Heads up.

"Mustelid Man" --
This guy you have to date.

The profile reads,

"Why you should date my ferret
and the man who loves him."

Will you please
message him?

- Of course.
- I am racking them up.

- Yeah, you are.
- By the way, I, um--

I left a message
for Will.

- Oh, the hot embryo?
- Yeah.

- Nice.
- You know, Phoebe was right.

He was my favorite mistake
of the last few months,

and if he's down for it,
why not?

Oh, and Doug Franklin
from NYU.

- Do you remember him?
- Yes.

Yeah, so he emailed me
out of the blue--

Well, "out of the blue" --
When my divorce went public.

- What?
- Yeah.

Doug Franklin,
what an asshead.

He pumped and dumped.
It's perfect.

I mean, I've got, like,
a stuntman, who should be hot.

I've got a yoga guy.
I got a comic, a speed seducer.

That's what he calls himself.

Honey. Honey.

I found your husband.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, yes. Glad to be here.

Who posts a picture
of that?

Tons of guys, but this one
put a bow tie on his dick.

- Wow.
- Okay.

Tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna get crazy now.

Take that, magic Mike.

Well, yours isn't in
formal wear, so it's not fair.

Well, it's au naturel.

Zooey, hi.

- Sweetie!
- How are you?

Hey, mi'ja.

How are you?

- How'd you get here?
- Oh, I missed you so much.

- I took a cab.
- From LAX?

- Yeah, she's a New Yorker.
- By yourself?

- Come here, sweetie. Come on.
- That's not safe.

May I set down my things?

Of course you can.
Come on in.

How are you?

Lilly, Zooey's here.

Oh. Come say hi.

- Do you remember her?
- Hi.

How was your flight?

Fascinating, actually.

My seat companion
was an engineer from JPL.

Mars 2020 is really
coming along.

- Who's my little Mensa?
- Abby, if it's all right...

I'd love to unpack,
get organized.

Of course you can.

Lilly, will you give Zooey
the grand tour?

She's gonna be bunking with Jo
in the guesthouse.

Mom, have you been
eating these?

Uh, no,
they belong to Abby.

Can you hide these?

Refined sugars make Mom
short-tempered.

Seriously,
I become another person.

No problem, honey.
It's so nice to see you.

You too.

Have fun, you guys.

I love you.

Ms. Beech.
Does Kelly do your facials?

She does, yeah.
You too?

No, first time.

I read somewhere that--

Was it the profile
on you in W?

What do you want,
Miss Banai?

I was thinking
about our last conversation,

and I did
a little research

and found out that
after Gordon left the company,

your factory
in Seoul closed abruptly.

We had a dispute
with a local union

and jumped ship.

That doesn't make
any sense.

Korea's such
a vital market for you.

Unless you moved production
to a much cheaper factory

in rural Bangladesh,

a factory with a long history
of labor violations,

so long, one might call it
a sweatshop.

A revelation of this sort

could really affect
the public perception

of Courtney Beech.

It is...

possible...

that we could come
to some sort of agreement.

Your daughter?

Okay, Rob.
Rob, listen to me.

Half of the time,
you're working,

and the other half--

It doesn't work out
that way.

No, I'm just--
I'm by myself.

Hey. Hi.

Charlie, your dad's here.

Wow.
What's the occasion?

It's not as exciting
as it looks.

It's for the Huff Post piece.

I'm just meeting a tinder guy
for drinks.

Well, you look great.

Well, I'm not
seriously dating.

Hi, Will.

Is that the guy from the garage?
Garage guy?

No, no, I'm super happy
that you called.

- Oh, yeah, not serious at all.
- Can I ask you a question?

- I was wondering if, um...
- Where's your brother?

We got to go.

- I'll get him.
- Charlie?

HERE GOES NOTHING...
FIRST DATE!

You must be Abby.

Steve.

Wow.

Your picture
did not do you justice.

Thank you.

Um, either you
are very under

or I am very overdressed
for this place.

Yeah, well, I was thinking, do
you want a regular, boring date

or an adventure date?

Oh, uh, well...

♪ I can be
your something new ♪

♪ I can be
your something new ♪

So I'm going, "no,
no, no," and he pushed me.

Disaster one down.

No, it wasn't really
a disaster.

It was--it was great
and unexpected,

and, you know, I jumped
out of a flippin' plane, right?

Oh, don't tell me that
Stuntman Steve is a keeper.

- You'd actually see him again?
- Oh, my God, no.

Do you know that he told me
that the only bone in his body

he hasn't broken
was his penis?

Yeah, it just made me realize
that I need to take more leaps.

Metaphoric--

Phoric you!
Phoric you.

Oh, why am I doing this?

Hey, it's 2015, doll.

Men expect a lady
to be groomed down there.

You mean bald.
It's creepy.

No, not bald.

Not bald.

Anyway, it's no different
than having your eyebrows waxed.

Yeah, if my bush
was on my face.

Okay, come on, come on.

Am I gonna be able
to walk later, Delia?

Because I have
so many dates today.

I have seven at least.

How is that even possible?

I have three in the morning.

I have two this afternoon.

Then I have a couple tonight--

Night, no! No!

Shit.

Shit. Sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Hey.
You okay?

Ow.
Oh, Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.
I can't do this.

I can't do this.

My back
is totally tweaking right now.

Yeah, well, you signed up
for a four-hour shift.

I'm sorry, but if
I do not get ice on my back,

it's gonna totally seize up.

Ow.

The thing is, if you bail now,
crops don't get in the truck,

the truck doesn't deliver
the crops, and so on.

You understand.

I get it.

How about money?
I've got money in my car.

I will pay
for the crops and--

I don't need--

Phoebe...

I need the crops
in the truck.

Okay.

I get it.

How about I make it up
to you next time?

Tell you what, um...

I'll take $200 for the cabbages
that you won't load

if you promise
not to come back.

Wow.

I appreciate your effort,

but I don't think
you're cut out for this.

What--what you need to get
what you want

is for me to also
want what you need.

No.
Wait. What?

I mean that the only way
out of our situation

is if I'm at least open
to the casual encounters...

- Yes.
- Like back in the old days.

Yes, and I would hope
that you would act on it,

because I love you.

What?

Wow.

So my man wants me to screw
other men because he loves me.

Because I-I need
that excitement back, you know,

for both of us.

And I would never,
ever leave you.

Okay.

- Really?
- But rules.

At least three degrees
of separation and no repeats.

Good, good, and do we want
to know before or no?

Yes, yes, otherwise,
every time

that you were working late
or I was stuck in traffic,

we'd think the...

So, yes, advance notice
of intent.

Deal.

Deal?

Deal.

Let the screwing begin.

And forward jump.

Inhale as you come
to the top.

Yeah, a lot of people
don't realize

ferrets have actually been
domesticated...

So I'm incorporating seeds
and nuts into my food plan now,

which is
a big step for me.

Don't worry. All my ferrets
are house trained.

All of them?

But I--
I do feel fat.

I don't look fat, do I?

Surprise.

Because it's a blind date.
Get it?

Mmm.

It's a lot, though, you know--
Work, four kids.

I mean, they're all
on travel teams and--

Hey, why don't
you guys say hi?

They just need
a new mom.

I mean, I wouldn't want
to date any of these guys,

but it was hysterical.

I love seeing
how this whole thing turns out.

I love being
your disaster date bodyguard.

I really don't need
a micro-bodyguard.

Okay.
Over your shoulder.

He's looking around.

Looks like that could be
Mr. Bow tie.

Oh, my God.

I know that man.

He's a dad at school.

He is a married dad.

Erick Frank.

Oh, God.

Hi.

I thought you were--

- Abby.
- That's right, from school.

Our kids go to the same school.
I see you every morning.

- Right.
- How funny.

What a coincidence
running into you.

Is it?
Nice flowers.

I better get back
to my business drinks.

- You look great.
- Oh, thank you very much.

I'll--I'll let your wife know
that I ran into you here.

Please don't.

Please.

Oh.

You're gonna--
You're gonna have a blast.

Going for work,
babe, in Texas.

Last time I checked,
I'm still black and gay.

Austin is not Texas.

So, um...

Are you gonna use your--
Your hall pass?

Well, Austin is at least three
degrees of separation, so I...

Right, that's
what I figured.

Don't worry, babe.
Go out.

Have yourself
some fun too, okay?

Okay.

Love you.

Your picture--
It was mostly just your body.

You posted a photo
of your man junk

on the interweb.

I know.

It's the only way
my wife won't recognize me.

Erick, that's--
That's insane.

It's just--

She can't stand me.

We barely touch.

Well, wouldn't therapy
be better than, you know,

dressing up
your meat puppet?

I want to,
but she won't give it a chance.

Well, if it's so bad,
why stay?

Why does anybody stay?

The kids.

Look, I'm not gonna lie
to you, telling--

Telling the kids
about our divorce was--

Was one of the hardest days
of my life.

But who's to say
what's the best for kids,

divorce
or two miserable parents?

I'm so grateful
to be unstuck.

We were paralyzed.

I don't think
I'm as brave as you.

I didn't feel brave.

I don't feel brave.

But everyone deserves to be
loved without cheating or lies.

And never being touched,

Erick, that's not--
That's not a way to live.

Oh, my God.

It is so beautiful.

When Courtney attacks,
I see red and strike back,

which is why we need
to move this divorce along.

Mm-hmm.

But I've taken care
of everything.

She has no choice now
but to split Korea 50/50.

That's right.
How did you know?

I pushed back the date
of separation.

I slept with her.

Oh, my God,
is this a joke?

Delia, rationally recognizing
our options,

it was the right move.

You're an idiot.

She played you.

I got her to agree
to a 50/50 split today.

She had sex with you
to get back at me.

What? How?

It doesn't matter, okay?

I won...

Without
prostituting myself.

Well, why didn't
you call me?

Because I wanted
to tell you in person.

It didn't occur to me
that you would screw her.

It's in the past, all right?
We'll just--we'll move on.

- Don't. You don't touch me.
- No, listen--

No, first you declare
some kind of affection,

and then you have sex
with Courtney?

- For us. I did it for us.
- Oh, my God.

- You need to get out of here.
- No.

- Delia.
- You need to go. Get out.

What are you doing?
Doug doesn't deserve that.

No, no primping
for pump and dump.

- Don't you start in on him.
- Are you crazy?

Don't you do it.

You're the one
that asked to come.

I believe your words were,
"It will be fun to catch up."

Well, my inside words were,

"Dear God, I don't want
to be alone another minute."

Don't worry.
I'm gonna be very nice.

- Promise.
- Okay.

So you remember all that stuff
that you said to Dressy D?

Mm-hmm.

I'm thinking maybe Frumpkis
deserves another chance.

That's what you got
from it?

The man loves me, and he
promised me that he's gonna--

He's gonna clean up
his act, so...

Jo, how many times
has he said that to you?

And what about Zooey?

You can't just keep
jerking her around.

I-I just--
I-I don't know.

Where is Zooey?

Uh, she took the bus
to Santa Monica.

She wanted to see the beach.

- Alone?
- Yeah.

By herself?

- She doesn't get lonely.
- That is not safe.

Oh, my God,
you're so neurotic.

Of course.

Oh, look who became
a big gordo blob now?

You know who else I just saw?
Oh, what's her name?

Uh, the girl who was always
a little off.

She had the face, and-

- Oh, Sue Kettles.
- Yes.

Yeah, with
the Bell's palsy.

- Oh, remember when--
- With the what?

- Yeah. She had Bell's palsy.
- Remember when--

- She did not.
- Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me?
Her face was half-paralyzed.

She had shingles
when we were little kids.

- What?
- Don't you remember?

- No.
- Yes.

We hooked up.
She never told me this.

You are the dumbest man
I've ever met.

Wow.
It is so late.

- I have got to go.
- Oh, I'll go with you.

No, no, no, I have my--my date
with Will tonight, remember?

- Oh, the hot fetus.
- Date?

I thought--
I thought this was a--

This has been so swell.

- Thank you.
- Yes, it's been swell.

- I will see you later.
- Real swell.

Well, no, no,
Jo, you stay.

- I'll drive you home later.
- No, it's okay.

She--she can give me her--
Her Uzi account.

Uber, and you could get
your own account at this point.

- You could afford it.
- Okay, okay.

- I'll see you later.
- Bye.

Nice to see you.

I can't really stay
that long

'cause I dropped the kids off at
the kids' club at the Paradiso,

and Lilly looked like she
was gonna murder me in my sleep.

I'm--I'm sorry.
Thanks for coming out...

- to meet me, man.
- No, no.

I just need to get my mind
off of that--

I can't believe Ford is liking
the pool bar at the hotel.

It's so desperate.
"Here I am, hotties."

Okay, maybe let's not, um,
tweet stalk anymore.

- Right, I'm sorry. Sorry.
- Just be here.

No more obsessing.

What?
No. No.

What?

You--I'm not here
to be your wingman.

- Okay, wow. Just--
- No.

- Rela--Dude, relax.
- Come on.

Abby's brother.

Wow.
Dude, you know what?

The Becca thing
is still in my head.

I'm just--

There's a True Blood, like,
Skarsgard look-alike

at the end of--
Don't look over there, please.

I'm just saying he's eye-banging
you pretty hard,

and I don't swing that way,
but he's a handsome devil,

and if you wanted
that hall pass, there it is.

Oh, I know why Skarsgard's
staring at me.

He works at the Getty.
Ford introduced me to him once.

I'll go say a quick hi,

and then I'll come meet you
at the E.R.

Mm.

Come on.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Long time.

I meant to call,
but with the kids...

I'm sorry.
I can't hear you.

I just keep thinking
about kissing you.

♪ This ain't love,
it's clear to see ♪

You're so tan.

Just got back
from Pakistan.

I was trying K2 again.

Yeah?

You mean,
like--like, Everest?

Oh, no, Everest
was easier compared with K2.

I had to--
I had to turn back again.

Oh, my God,
your failures are so sexy.

Shh, houseguests.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

You know, last time...

That I offered
to cook for you,

you ran like I offered
to light your hair on fire.

So what happens
if I try again?

It depends on
what you're cooking.

Name it.
I love a challenge.

Frittata.

- Ooh.
- Yes.

- Wow.
- Do it.

Just like that?

Hang on a second.
Wait.

Are you asking me to sleep over,
Abby McCarthy?

That's, uh--
That's a big step.

Yes, I am.

Mm.

You know, this article
that I'm working on--

Yes, yes,
the, uh, ten dates.

Hang on a sec.

I'm not just here because
you have blue bean, am I?

Blue bean, I don't--

That's horrible.

Oh, my God.
No.

- No?
- No.

It's because I met
a lot of guys,

and none of them
were you.

Finally.

Did you hear that?

Yeah.

Are you a good girl?

Jesus Christ, Jo!

Oh.

Oh, oh, I know. I know.

- I just--
- It's a great couch.

Oh, he didn't, uh--
He didn't even come yet.

We didn't get any jizz
or anything like that on it.

- Oh, wow. You are hot.
- Do you hear yourself?

You're actually
using your outside voice.

This is awful.

What if Zooey
had walked in and seen this?

This is awful
even for you.

Zooey's fast asleep, but--
Even for me?

- I think I should probably--
- What do you mean?

This is not 1992, Jo.

You can't just
bring some dude home

and screw him on our couch--
On my couch.

Should I have gone to the
guesthouse with Zooey there?

That would have been--
Hello?

Oh, was that
a parenting decision?

That's the first parenting
I've seen you do all week.

You are
out of control.

You have
no boundaries.

You have just come steamrolling
into this house

like you own this place,
and your daughter--

My daughter
is a wonderful girl.

Don't you say one goddamn thing
about her.

- Your daughter is wonderful.
- Yes.

And she acts like
she is your nanny.

She's my life, okay?

She's my life,
and I spent five seconds

with your girl,
and I got that she's a brat.

- She is a brat!
- She's a little mean girl.

She's a brat
because she is a teenager,

and she is supposed
to be a brat.

Your daughter behaves like
she is a 40-year-old woman.

How about this?

You say nothing about my kid
again, ever, ever.

You say nothing
about my life, okay?

'Cause we all know
you give some shitty advice.

- Oh, okay.
- You give shit advice.

You want some shitty advice?
Get the hell out of my house.

Okay, fine.
You know what? Screw you.

Zooey and I are going
back home tomorrow,

'cause I have a husband
who still wants me,

yeah, and loves me.

I have never had it.

Hey.
I got to get going.

Hey, awesome.

Um, aw.

I, um--I think
I'm gonna hang for a bit.

Mm-hmm.

What?
We're just talking.

We'll see,
Mr. Discipline.

Whatever.

Any movement
from the houseguests?

Mm, no.

I mean, Zooey usually gets
her mom coffee around 11:00.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

I'm sure that Jo is not speaking
to me this morning, anyway.

Maybe this can help.

Better be good.

Mmm.
Oh, my God.

It's so good.

Thank you.

What?

I've also been experimenting
with writing...

A book.

You're a writer?

Well, I don't think
you can call yourself that

when you haven't been published,
but I did write this.

It's about my last time
up Everest.

It's a lot of pages.

You just had that
in your bag?

Yeah.

Look, you can totally
say no,

but I was kind of hoping
you would take a look at it

and tell me
what you thought.

Sure.

Are you sure?

That didn't seem sure.

I'm nervous about it.

What if I--
What if I don't like it?

Oh, well,
then you just tell me

what you don't like,
and I'll try and fix it.

- Really?
- I'm--I'm a big boy.

- Really? You can take it?
- I think so, yeah.

All right, I'll read it.

But say you do like it,

would you be comfortable
passing it on to your editor?

Um, yeah.

Sure.

Wait, wait, wait.
What, uh--what just happened?

No, it's fine.
I'll just, um--

I'm gonna put it on my desk,
and I will read it.

Cool. Thanks.

He says, "Do you mind
passing it on to your editor?"

That is terrible.

I don't see the problem
here at all.

It's a couple
of booty calls,

and then the old chick
helps you with your career.

No, that is not Will.
It's sexy.

You have beauty and clout.
He loves it.

Or he is selfish
and crass...

- And Abby's getting played.
- Oh, my God.

That's right.
And I should have known.

I mean, I'm almost
20 years older than the guy.

Bullshit.

Why is it okay for a man
with power

to date a younger woman
who benefits from it,

but not
the other way around?

I don't like it the other way
around either,

and--and I want to be
the pretty, pretty princess.

I don't want to be
a resource.

Are you sure your friend
won't be joining you?

Not unless you have a straw

that stretches 3,000 miles,
but thank you.

I'm sorry
about Jo leaving.

Her New York attitude
would have been fun.

She would have loved
hating this place.

Divorce--
It's not for wimps.

Oh, my God, that dress.

- That's so beautiful.
- It's a little much.

No, no, it's gorgeous.

- What's happening with you?
- I'm fine.

I'm just a little distracted
by work, I feel like.

I am too.
I'm distracted by work too.

I'm supposed to write
this article

on my crazy disaster dates,
and there weren't disasters.

They were weird
and--and fun and...

You got to kiss a ferret.

I got to kiss a ferret,

which is not the article
they want me to write,

so I have no thesis.

'Cause that'll be
a great article.

Great, well, guess what.

You guys have jobs.
Congratulations.

I, on the other hand, got fired
from day one of volunteering.

It turns out I spent
all that money on life coaching,

and Doom Face and I can't even
haul a box of zucchini properly.

So what?
You can't pull off overalls.

Just let it go.

No, I don't want
to let it go

because it's what I want
to be doing.

Marco is doing
what I want to be doing,

and it gets hard,
and I bail.

So you need to go back.

No, cannot go back.

Promised him
I would not go back.

Oh, you know what?
Screw him.

He's being a pretty-ist.

- Oh, shit.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- Jesus.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,
my dress is ruined.

No, no, it's dry cleaning.
It's just dry cleaning.

I have a great one.

Oh, my God.

God, it's ruined.

Abby, my dress is ruined.

Everything was
perfect, and now it's ruined.

I don't think
this is about the dress.

What's happening?

I am--
I'm having an affair.

I had an affair
with Gordon Beech.

- Oh, my God, I knew it.
- Gordon Beech, your client?

It's so against
all the rules,

and it is so, um...

Risky and so stupid,

and I never do things
like this,

and he's sleeping
with his wife.

He had sex with--

I mean, literally just
to sign the papers,

but, God, I was so mad,
and then I thought later

that this was his weird,
twisted way of--

of doing it for us.

And he treats me
like a goddess.

I mean, he bought me
this dress, and...

Oh, my God.

Delia, you're
in love with him.

I hate love.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Car's coming in ten,

and then we'll be
out of your hair.

I'm sorry I didn't have time
to wash the sheets.

I-I'm sorry
about last night.

I--
Really, I overstepped.

But come on, you--you got
to give me a break.

I mean, of course I got angry.
I'm gonna have to burn my couch.

Don't go.

I know you're going
through an incredibly hard time,

but I promise you
there is so much good

on the other side of it.

I swear.

Yeah, you've made it
look really delightful, Abby.

It is delightful.
I'm delighted.

Even my disaster dates
were delightful...

Because I'm free
to have new experiences

and to meet new people.

And with Will,
I feel like--

Okay, well,
that might be over, but...

Jo, just to feel--

Just to feel
like anything's possible?

I'm--I mean, the disaster
is staying miserable

because it's familiar
and new is scary.

That's a disaster.

I tried something new
with Doug,

and it was disgusting.

That's because it was Doug,
and Doug is disgusting,

and you have
no impulse control.

But...

I don't want
to get a divorce.

Who wants
to get divorced?

Nobody wants
to get divorced,

but I'm telling you,
once you step into this...

This life, you will think,

"What the hell
took me so long?"

You got to give it
a chance, Jo.

You got to stay.
Stay for yourself.

Stay for your daughter.

Stay.

Can we?

I want to.

So...

We'll stay.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I'm
such a crazy asshole.

I'm so sorry.

But she knows.
She knows it's--

And I'm gonna try some
of that L.A. stuff, okay?

I'm gonna try the meditation
and the chanting and shit.

Good.

You're gonna be a nightmare
in those classes, but good.

Thank you.

Dude, what the hell, man?

Been here three hours.

Worked her ass off.

Lot of yoga.
Strong core.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Eight more boxes to go,
and then you owe me a beer.

- Phoebe, listen--
- I know. I promised.

But isn't this a place
about second chances?

For addicts in recovery.

Okay, well,
maybe I am in recovery

from being a silly,
superficial chick.

What you do here is important,
and I want to be a part of it.

So are you gonna help me
or what?

♪ I had me a boy,
turned him into a man ♪

♪ I showed him all the things
that he didn't understand ♪

What do you think?

I think, uh...

It's nothing
like I expected.

I think
it's frickin' brave.

It's gonna upset
a lot of people,

and, uh, yeah,

you could make some, uh--
some real haters.

WHY AREN'T YOU DIVORCED YET?
BY ABBY MCCARTHY

Well, good,

because I am
the new Abby McCarthy,

and I say bring it on.

MAIL ACTIVITY
OUTGOING MESSAGES...

MESSAGE SENT

sync and corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com