All language subtitles for Girlfriends Guide to Divorce 1x08

Previously on
Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce...

I slept with Jake,
and we didn't use protection.

The morning-after pill...
The box isn't open.

Were you even gonna
tell me that?

You slept with her.

- Yes.
- I'm done.

Gordon Beech, as in married
to the designer Courtney Beech?

Was married.

- You are gonna get me fired.
- We'll be careful.

Sometimes I feel like
you just want to be married.

But do you want
to be married to me?

Come on.

I-I can't, okay?

- What's her name?
- Carla.

She works
at the new hotel.

Jo's coming here,
and she's gonna stay here.

I thought you broke up
with her.

Well, you hated her.

Lightbulb--
What about divorce?

That's an area
you could write the crap out of.

RULE #17
ASK THE ANSWER LADY!

Divorce.

Divorce, divorce...

It's what's for dinner.

Uh...

Divorce.

Di-vor-che.

"Divorce doesn't...

"Have to lead to...

"Uh...

Pregnancy."

What?

Hey, Abby, can I talk to you
before I take Charlie to school?

Um, yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

What's, you know,
going on with the...

I don't know yet.
I will tell you as soon as I do.

Okay, you do that.

Sorry.
I'm just slammed.

I'm still working on this
presentation for next week.

Finally making progress, though.
That's good.

I don't understand. How many
times do you have to present

the same ideas
to your editors?

Not for the editors,
it's for my agents.

WME wants me to pitch
a new Abby strategy,

and if I don't wow them,
they're gonna dump me.

Really?

Oh, Jo is coming today.

Isn't that the kind of person
that just hates L.A.?

But she loves our vegans.

She's opening
another vegan bakery.

It's everything-free--

Gluten-free,
sugar-free, flour-free.

Yeah, the noxious garbage can
of a woman is a vegan now, huh?

That's classic.

She's not noxious.
She's a character.

She's a character that you
should probably have stay

in a hotel,
but it's not my house.

Well, I just feel bad.

I haven't return her calls
in, like, 80 years.

She'll help me take my mind
off the crazy pregnancy thing.

Your funeral.

Okay, um, I know this
is probably really bad timing,

but I need you
to take the kids...

Because I got a job.

You got a job?

- A directing job.
- Oh.

Becca introduced me to
this producer on Blood Sisters.

One of the directors
dropped out.

I have a directing job.

They came to me.
I start today.

Does it have
to be this week?

Well, yeah,
it's a TV schedule.

They can't move it,
and we need the money.

Fine. Fine.

- I will handle it.
- Thank you.

And, uh, congratulations.

Thank you.

- Dad!
- Hey, buddy.

Dad, Chad wants to know
if we can move to your house.

Mom has so many rules.

Will you tell Chad

that he's the nicest imaginary
friend that I've never met?

- Me too.
- Really?

Jo, I thought
you were coming tonight.

Eh, I decided not
to lose the day.

- Hey.
- Hi. I wish I knew. I-

- did I break anything?
- No.

Look at you.
Did you get injections?

No, this is my face.

Wow, look at that.
Look at this.

- Frumpkis.
- No, my husband is a Frumpkis.

I know,
but it suits you so well.

Yeah? So how about
I call you Señor Herpes?

- Puerto Rican, huh?
- How about huevón?

- Will that work?
- Okay.

- I don't know. Is that Hebrew?
- Time to go to school.

Don't say hi
to Auntie Train Wreck.

Tu madre, pendejo.

Nice seeing you.

A-hole!

So glad you're here.

Sync and corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

Oh, good morning,
plastic people.

We're not staying,
by the way.

I just need
a serious caffeine infusion.

And I need
a frickin' babysitter.

How hard is that?

So does the boss make you
dress like the artful dodger,

or is this a choice?

- Don't be mean.
- Sorry.

What would you like?

L.A., Jesus, you can't even
annoy people out here.

- Tell him what you want.
- Amazing.

Two Americanos,
add three shots.

No, no, I just want a dirty
chai latte with almond milk.

They're for me.

- You're gonna have two coffees?
- Yeah. I got to take this.

- Phoebe.
- Hey.

Hi.
I'm so glad you're here.

- You look beat.
- I'm frazzled.

I need a babysitter.
Do you have any recommendations?

All of ours are busy,
and now Jake is working

and I have the kids.

Jake is working?

On Blood Sisters.

Wow.
So he rides coattails...

- Professionally now.
- Unreal.

Yeah, so can you please--
Who do you have?

Can't. My sitter's
in rehab again.

- Again?
- I know.

It's, like, every 30 days.

Wait, does that mean that
you're gonna be taking

Charlie and Luco out
to the field trip?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

To the recycling plant?

I thought Jake
was chaperoning.

He told me nothing
about that.

Jo.
This is Jo.

This is Phoebe.
Old friend, new friend.

I'm going to text him.

- How you doing?
- Hi.

I can't believe
we haven't met yet.

- Hi. What's going on?
- Pleasure to meet you.

- How are you?
- I'm good.

Whoa, what's with the bag
of nightmares over there?

Oh, I have a press preview
for my collection

of fine infant jewelry.

I was just telling Jo
about my press preview.

You guys have to come.
It's gonna be so good.

And the accessories editor
at W RSVP'd.

- Wow.
- I know.

- Wow. That's huge.
- I know. I know. It's so huge.

It's so huge. Honestly,
I thought I was gonna give up

after the whole photo shoot
debacle, but I rallied.

I feel like I am on top
of the world,

and I met Ralf's new
little rebound chick,

and she is B,

B-plus, tops.

I got this.

You got what?

I thought you didn't want
Ralf anymore.

I like the perks.

Okay, well, um,
you have fun with that.

- We have to go.
- Okay. Nice to meet you, Jo.

Will you please just send me
all the info on that field trip?

And also, your invite,
where's your thing?

Please tell me
the renovations to the lounge

are gonna be done
by Friday.

Today's supposed
to be the last day.

Thank God.

The woman
to talk to is Carla.

Oh, um, can I leave these here?
Do you mind?

Um, hey, Carla?
Carla.

Hi, I'm Phoebe,
Phoebe Conte,

creative director
for Infant Fabuleux.

Oh, yes, the, uh,
kids' jewelry.

Yeah, it's fine jewelry
for infants.

- Right, sorry.
- No, that's fine.

I'm amazed that
they booked out the lounge

for the day
after we finish.

I know.
Well, fashion never sleeps.

Or eats.

Your work is fabulous,
by the way.

Do you ever do
small spaces?

My bread and butter
are small spaces.

Really?

I would love to get your input
on interior stylings

for the press preview,
if that's possible.

Oh, I'm flattered,
but as you can see,

we are already way overextended
at the moment.

No, I totally understand.

It's just that I modeled
for years,

so there's gonna be
a lot of industry people there.

Joleen Rozen from W.
Yeah.

So I was thinking that if you
help me make the place look fab,

we could both promote
our work.

Yeah?

Morning, sunshine.

Hey, morning.

Anything, uh...

new on the Internet?

Eh, nope, not really.

Well...

Maybe put down the iPad.

What do you have in mind?

Oh, just physical contact.

I know that sounds hopelessly
old-fashioned, but...

I wish I could, love,
but I need to get to work.

Really?

Well, you didn't seem
in a hurry a second ago.

Well, should I have read
that blog with more urgency?

Well, maybe if you were
a little less captivated

with the Internet,
you'd notice we have a problem.

You know what?
I don't have time for this.

I need to get to work.

Yeah, of course.

That is ridiculous.

We see no reason
to walk away from this.

The Asian market represents
upwards of $70 million

in annual revenue
for the brand.

Yes, my brand.

While Ms. Beech
may be the face of--

Okay, I put my heart and soul
into this company.

What did he contribute?

Marketing, negotiating.

I could have paid a chimp
in a suit.

Again, Ms. Beech, without said
chimp, there would be no brand.

- I would advise--
- I don't care what you advise.

Gordon is not entitled
to half of everything.

I am the company.

I am Courtney Beech.

Yes, that is your name.

But it would not be a company

if my client hadn't
single-handedly financed

the entire enterprise.

Which happens
to be hugely popular in Korea

thanks to a licensing deal
I negotiated.

It's my vision.

It's the collective vision

of a team of overworked
design assistants.

You just sit
behind an $8,000 desk

and tell them to move a pocket
every once in a while.

Okay, we are at an impasse,

I say we
take a break.

I agree.
Things are getting heated.

I can't believe you didn't
tell me about the field trip.

You know I have a huge week
this week.

Of course, I'm thrilled
for you, obviously,

but I have to kill it
at WME...

Mom! Get in here, quick!

And if I don't,
I don't have a career.

And if I don't have a career,
then you don't--

- Mom, Mom, Mom!
- No, I am being supportive.

- Mom!
- What, Charlie?

Chad said
your computer's thirsty.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Charlie.

I love you, Charlie,

but I cannot imagine having
another one of you.

Hey, what's with all the boxes
in the guesthouse?

I'm having
a computer emergency.

Oh, man.

My whole presentation
is on here.

Oh, man, wow.

Yeah, I have to go
to the Apple store.

Want me to keep an eye
on the kid?

Oh, my God, that would be
such a great help.

- All right.
- Okay, Charlie, you stay here.

Mom?

Chad says
he's really sorry.

Okay, Chad.

Tell your little friend
Chad he's a big asshole.

- You want a beer?
- No.

Okay, I'm giving you both ten
more minutes on the iPads, okay?

And I'm coming back,
and I'm checking homework.

Okay?

- Can we talk?
- Yes, yes, please.

Um, tensions have been
really running high at work,

and I've been bringing
that home.

I'm sorry.

You honestly think
that's the problem?

Yeah, we lost a major account
last month--

The problem is us.

We...

We haven't had sex in months.

That's bed death.

We're not lesbians.

- That's absurd.
- Okay, you know what?

Honestly, I just think
we need a night out.

I don't think a date's gonna
solve our problems.

I don't either,
but I do think we'd both benefit

from just going out,
enjoying each other's company.

Come on.

Let me take you out.

Uh, it's too bloody,

and I think we'll go...

- Medium bloody, okay?
- Okay.

- Thank you.
- No problem.

Becca Riley.

Hi.

Hey.

I just--
We haven't checked in.

I wanted to make sure that
you're okay with everything--

Me, here.

Oh, yeah. It's fine.

I got your text.
I'm just in character.

Characters.

Oh, okay.

Thanks.

Computer emergency.

Hey, what'd they say?

Well, yes, they'll fix it.
They're geniuses.

Anyway, I'll see you later.

Then--okay. Then throw
some money at it, Abby.

I'm at work right now.

I got to--I got to go.

Thank you, Becca.

Jake was
absolutely no help.

So why would you call
a comparative religions major

for computer help?

It's just habit.

And then the field trip.

I can go
with you guys.

I kind of like the little guy.
He's so weird.

I mean,
I would love that.

- Yeah.
- It would be a huge help.

And when Zooey gets here,
she can take over.

She can take him
to the mall or--

Take him to--
Zooey's, like, 12 years old.

She can't take--

Wait.
She's coming?

Yeah.
Not until next week.

Oh, gosh,
you're gonna love her.

- Next week?
- She's so brilliant.

When was the last time
you saw her?

She was in,
like, footie pajamas, right?

I thought that you
were only staying here for...

I got to take this.

A couple...

What?

Be ready
to go again in five.

We got a long afternoon
ahead of us.

Oh, by the way...

I need to reprimand you
for that stunt

in the settlement meeting.

Come on.

Those things are so boring.

Hey, it is hard enough trying
to make a case for your half

of the Asian market
without you all...

up in there.

No, I'm serious.

I'm sleeping
with my client.

I could get
into serious trouble,

maybe even disbarred.

So what?

We'll just take a year off,
go to Bora-Bora.

Let's just try to get
through this last round

of negotiation
without any groping.

Screw Korea.

I don't care
about the Asian market

if it's gonna drag things out.

Screw Korea?

They buy
more Beech wares purses

than all the new England
sororities combined.

Delia...

I have more money
than I know what to do with.

I'm tired
of sneaking around.

I want you.

I can see spending the rest
of my life with you.

I am not...

Good with these kinds
of statements.

It doesn't mean
that I don't have...

Similar...

Feelings.

You're cute
when you're cornered.

Give up Korea.

Understood?

As your lawyer,
I do not advi--

You're not my lawyer
in here.

Now, give me a minute...

To remind you why.

Yeah, Emma is
America's sweetheart.

Even her bathroom
should reflect that.

Yeah, we need
an inviting color palette,

something redhead quirk,
but still upmarket.

You got it?
All right, thank you, love.

Ciao.

Ugh, Emma.

Ugh.
For years.

I did her first house
in Hollywood

when she was all of 18.

Between her and the rooftop bar,
I am exhausted.

Oh, I bet.

How do you even have
a personal life?

Right?

Well, I met my boyfriend
on this job, actually.

- You did?
- Yeah.

I kind of scared him
at first.

I think that he's only ever
dated women

with very little substance.

Anyway, enough chitchat.

Back to work.

What do you think
about the greige?

Yeah, Marc Jacobs
did greige two seasons ago.

It feels a little dated.

Okay.
No problem.

I'll bring
in some other choices.

There you are.

Now, do I still have you
for dinner?

It's Roy Choi's
new place.

Oh, I'm there, of course.

I'll wait for you
upstairs.

Phoebe.

- Hi, babe.
- What is it you're doing here?

My Infant Fabuleux
press preview's tomorrow.

Carla--amazing, by the way--
Is helping me design the space.

- You two know each other?
- Uh, yeah, this is my--

This is Phoebe,
my ex-wife.

- May I have a word with you?
- Yeah.

What the hell
are you playing at?

I asked you months ago
if I could use the lounge

for a launch party.

We booked it, remember?

And you just coincidentally
wound up working with Carla?

That's your Carla?
Oh, my God, I had no idea.

She is amazing.
She's really lovely.

Babe, I am tragic
with interiors.

You know this.

She's helping me.

You see why I'm suspicious,
don't you?

Shockingly, this is not
about you, Ralf.

This is about business,

and the press preview
has to be perfect.

Fine.

Okay, everybody, make sure
that you have a buddy

and stay with your buddy
for the entire field trip.

WME.

WME, WME

Hi, yes?

This is Abby.
Tomorrow?

No, no, tomorrow's not good.
Tomorrow's not--

Not convenient at all for me,
actually.

We have
a serious problem.

I'm s--
Can you hold a second?

Charlie demanded that I eat
the corn from out of his--his--

Can I call you back?

His, you know...

Out of his pants?

Out of his back?
Out of his butt?

Out of his penis?
Out of his stomach?

Out of his poop.

It was Chad, Mom.

Oh, you know
that Chad.

It was Chad.

Okay, I'm gonna have to ask you
to take Charlie home.

No, no, no,
you can't do that.

You have to take him today.
I have no child care.

Obviously.

Okay, what's it called?

I think--I think it's called
"Abby's pitch," maybe 2.0.

It's, like, 15 pages long.

Okay, most recent.

Is this it?

Yes!

Yes. This is the best thing
that's happened to me all week.

- Thank you.
- Great, let's grab a Margarita.

You know what
I'm going to do?

I'm gonna go in there,

and I'm gonna tell Jake
that I'm proud of him,

but I need his help.

All right.

- Whoo!
- That's right.

Reeor!

So Gordon will take 40%
of Fragrance going forward.

I trust the rest
will be quick?

Almost. We just need to reach an
agreement on the Asian market.

You know where I stand.

You know where we stand.

50/50 gets this done today,
or you can drag this out

and hemorrhage money
as long as you like.

If that's the way
you want to play.

What the hell
do you think you're doing?

- Getting what's yours.
- I told you I didn't want it.

I'm not going to let
you throw away Korea.

You're worth
more than that.

Stop thinking
with your dick.

You're terrified of this.

What?

You're terrified that
I would jettison $70 million

just to be with you.

Sounds a little crazy,
hearing it out loud,

but it's true.

- I just think--
- Well, stop.

I told you what I want.

If you want the same thing,

when you sit across
from her tomorrow...

You'll let it go.

It's not my fault Lucifer
made me part of his dark army,

any more than
it's your fault

Gabriel chose you
to be his sacred one.

You can't keep
punishing me for this.

I don't know how much longer
I can take--

Abby!

Seriously?

Do you have any idea how long
it takes me to get there?

I'm really sorry, Becca.

Cut it.
I know.

We'll go again
right away.

Come here.

That was impressive.
That was genuinely impressive.

- Sorry.
- What are you doing here?

Well, uh, you have been
ignoring my calls.

No, I turned
my phone off, actually,

'cause I'm directing
an episode on television.

Phones go off.
It's disruptive.

Okay, well,
when you're finished,

you need to take Charlie.

Aren't you done soon,
at, like, 7:00?

No, we're not gonna be done
before midnight.

Why don't you just
have Jo take him?

No, uh...

Yesterday when I came home
from the Apple store,

I found them watching
Game of Thrones,

and when I asked her
about the appropriateness

of showing that to
a seven-year-old, she said,

"what? It's about elves
and shit."

Did you want me to turn this job
down because you have a meeting?

Charlie has invented
an imaginary friend

- to deal with stress...
- I know this.

Who, by the way,
told miss Hoover at school today

that she should eat
his corn...

Out of his poop.
I've heard it before,

but not because I'm working
this week, though, right?

No, because we need to be
a better team, Jake.

Can't you just ask your
20-something-year-old girlfriend

if she has any friends
who can babysit?

You know what?
We actually broke up.

Oh, I didn't--

You know what?

I would appreciate you
not throwing it in my face.

For ten years, I had your back
when you needed to work,

and the first time I ask you,
you fall apart.

Figure it out, Abby.

Okay, everybody,
sorry about that.

Back to one, please.

What?

I just...
Assumed--

What?

I just assumed
we'd go somewhere

where we could hear
each other.

Oh, come on,
this place is great.

Sorry, sorry.

This guy keeps
staring at me.

Red tank...

Looks like Butch Seacrest.

That guy?

He's adorable.

He could use a lesson
in subtlety.

He's been staring
at me all night.

You know,
when we first started dating,

you would have walked
right over there, sat down,

and let the guy
buy you a damn cocktail.

That was a long time ago.

Go flirt with him.

Make me jealous.

Is this a date, or--or are we
just trolling for threesomes?

Who said anything
about threesomes?

Look, I just want you
to loosen up.

Well, I'm not
feeling loose.

What?

Well, I'm not
feeling loose!

I'm calling a car!

Do what you want!

PREGNANCY TEST

Abby, come down here!
It's an emergency!

Help.

What's happening?

This is not an emergency.

It is when food is this
delicious and it might get cold.

Wow. I haven't had real Chinese
food in a gazillion years.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

We used to eat our weight

in beef and broccoli
four years straight.

How are you eating this?

Aren't you an extreme vegan
or something?

- Hell, no.
- Oh, really?

Oh, no.
Those people are crazy.

It was a phase.

You know, after I hit
two years, I caved.

I was in the best shape
of my life--

My hair, my nails, thick like
a freakin' thoroughbred.

But all I wanted
to do was slit my wrists.

Well, I'm so glad you lapsed.
This smells really good.

Mmm.

Do you remember--do you remember
the place on Elizabeth

that we used to go to all
the time, that Chinese place?

Yeah.

That was when people didn't say
things like "mixology."

It was cool.

Every bridge-and-tunnel person
didn't know about it yet, right?

Exactly.

I'm so glad
you were from the city.

I think
if I didn't have you,

I would have just hid in
my dorm room until graduation.

Oh, you took it pretty well
for a suburbanite.

Yeah, I sure did.

I know this sounds like
a cliché,

but do you wish you could
sometimes just get into,

you know, a...

A way-back machine?

Constantly.

All right, well...

It's late.
I have to do work on my--

No, no, you don't, okay?

It's been two days. We haven't
had one meal together.

Come on, skinny girl.
Come on.

I mean, we tried
to hide it for months.

Oh, my God.

Jake would go out all night,

and then he would come home
before the kids got up, so...

Well, it was all
for the best,

'cause that loser had
you weighed down from day one.

I wish you would stop
saying that. It's not true.

Jake and I were great
for a long time, by the way.

Okay, well,
maybe you didn't see it,

but he was more than happy

to put all that
neurotic crap on you,

going on and on
about Godard and Scorsese

while you did
all the heavy lifting.

I don't want
to have this conversation.

We always end up
in the same fight,

and by the way,
Frumpkis is no prize.

Frumpkis has a job.

That is not the point.

He is so neurotic.

What, does he call you
every two minutes?

He's going
through something.

He's always going
through something,

either the drugs
or the cheating,

and the constant breaking up
and getting back together.

Jo, how many benders
did you go on because of him?

How many times
could I hold your hair back

before I finally told you
what I thought?

When I did the same thing,
you disappeared on me.

- I did not disappear on you.
- Yeah, you disappeared on me.

You hated Jake.
Jake hated rob.

I hated rob.

Jake and rob hated
each other.

This was just the way it was.
What was I supposed to do?

You were supposed
to stay my friend!

Screw the guys.

But you--you--you disappeared
into your new life,

in this new you
that I-I just--

Oh, my God,

I don't even recognize
any of this.

How many times did I call you?
You never called me back.

I didn't call you back,
'cause that's life.

- It's not personal.
- Oh, you get busy?

Don't give me that crap.
You know what I think?

I think you sold out.

You write that stupid
mommy shit, and I just--

Wow.

I don't fit in your
pretty little picture.

You don't know anything
about my life.

- All right.
- How dare you?

You come blowing into town
on the verge of collapse

yet again, by the way.

Do you even have
a bakery here?

Hey, I may be a mess,

but I know who I am.

I don't go around worrying
about walk-and-ride

or talk-and-ride
or look-and-ride

or any of that crap.

But look at you.
You played it safe, right?

And your life
is in the shit.

And by the way,
you are bleeding.

It would have been
nice if you--if you, like,

maybe took a cab
and joined me.

Oh, come on, with that
drama-queen move you pulled?

It was just such
a goddamn power play.

I mean, how hard is it for you
to spend just

one single night with me?

That's what we were doing.

You're the one
who flipped out and left

because you couldn't handle
the idea of flirting.

I'm sorry that I don't want
to flirt with some random guy.

I was trying
to be adventurous.

Pimping me out to some twink
is adventurous?

Oh, come on.

I told you to make me jealous,
not to suck him off.

Just admit you're bored.

No, no, no, no, no.
There's a big difference

between being bored
and being suffocated.

Now I'm suffocating you?

It's not you.

It's the boundaries.

You mean, um, monogamy?

We had a deal.

I want to sleep with you.

You're the one that wants
to sleep with everyone else.

Our old arrangement
worked just fine.

Before we had kids.

It's too dangerous now.

W-what if something
casual gets serious?

It won't.
That's why we had rules.

How many times
do I have to say it to you?

Do what you want.
Just don't push me back into it

so you don't--
You don't feel bad.

Okay, so I may be a dick.

But I'm your dick.

I don't know
what that means.

It means I missed the hell
out of you.

I'm still here.

Well, I missed you too.

I just don't miss this fight.
We always have this fight.

Wow.
You had a scare?

Stupid.

- Who was it?
- It was Jake.

It's a long story.

No, we're not getting back
together or anything like that.

Wow. You really do have
a lot going on, don't you?

Jesus.

It's not rational, I know,
but, um, just...

The idea of a baby...

If I had a last chance,
this was it.

Mm.
Boy, do I know that.

I just wanted to get back
on the way-back machine,

but it's gone.

- I left Frumpkis.
- What?

For good this time.

And that's
why Zooey's coming down.

We're starting over.

What happened?

I can't talk about it.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Well, if the mouth
can't talk about it,

then it must be
really terrible.

I forgot people used
to call me that.

I never called you that.

I'm sorry
that I disappeared.

I just--you know,
Jake and I were--

Weren't doing very well,
and I think I was embarrassed.

And, you know...

You're a nightmare.

Tell me about it.
Try being inside of this head.

Oh, god, it's so exhausting.

You couldn't pay me.

God.

- Are you expecting company?
- No.

Hey.

Honey,
what's happening?

And then I realized
it's not about Carla.

I mean,
I don't love love Ralf.

He's such a pain
in the ass.

But she's just...

She is such a solid woman,

like you are a solid woman.

Sometimes I feel like
if I'm not attached to someone,

I am just going
to float away.

We're not gonna
let you float away, okay?

Okay, I'm done
talking about my problems.

Done.

Well, I have plenty of
problems that we can talk about

if that's
what you want to do.

Abby was about to pitch me
her new book idea.

Oh, my God, please,
Abby, can I hear it?

No, I'm a--I'm actually--
I'm fine.

It's fine.
I got it.

Abby, you cannot go
into that room cold.

The Ten Divorcements:

How to Untie the Knot
Without Unraveling Your Life.

Uh-oh.

Uh...

I know,
the--the title is weak,

but let me just get started.

So you found yourself
at a crossroads--

To mediate or lawyer up?

How to split time
with the kids.

When is it okay to date?

I know this sounds crazy,

but it's possible
to navigate all of this

with grace.
How?

By using a little gumption.

Gumption?

- Really?
- It's a word.

I know it's a word,

used by cartoon mice
circa 1928.

What's the deal?
Gumption?

I kind of have to agree
with her, mama.

Sorry.

Okay, let me just get
to the main part, all right?

- Go, keep going.
- Okay.

Um...

But let's declare today

as the day we stop
the pity party.

We need to stand up
and brush ourselves off

and make this divorce

the best thing
that's ever happened to us.

Okay, sweetie, I just took,
like, a giant crap,

and that came out.

She hates me.

Okay, whatever.

It's--I'm doing it again.
It's what I do.

This is what I do. I'm doing
the same thing as my book.

I'm--

I'm completely full
of shit.

That's it.

That's just it.

Do you see what you
just did?

No.

Yes, you are.

Use that.
Okay.

I'm about to pass out
in the Moo Shu, so...

Jo, you said you were
gonna help.

I just did,
and the Abby I used to know

would understand
what I mean by that.

Good night.

Gumption.

Mmhmm?

Great office, Miss Banai.

Okay, you absolutely
should not be here.

Oh, you look exhausted.

Gordon can be
quite the athlete.

I don't know
what you think you are--

Please...

You don't get where I am
without having a good eye...

Which is why the next time
we are in that conference room,

you'll give me Asia,

or I will have you disbarred
for screwing a client.

Oh, what's
your favorite color, hmm?

As soon as we wrap
this thing up,

I'll make sure to get
my assistant

to send you a handbag.

Chad says Mom is jiggly.

Tell Chad to get a job.

They're ready now.

Okay.

You sure it's okay to leave
Charlie here?

Absolutely.
A lot of our clients

let their kids run wild
in here.

- Abby McCarthy.
- Abby, hello. How you doing?

Oh, Warren,
I'm not so great, actually.

Don't say that.

Yeah, well...

I mean, I-I have just been--
I've been working my ass off.

Well, we're all
very excited.

Don't be.

Last night
I looked at what I had.

The whole thing sucks.

I've just been so distracted,
you know.

There's so much going on.

I mean, we all know
I'm getting a divorce,

and I had a, um--
A rebound affair

with a much, much younger man.

Totally get the appeal,
by the way. His body...

Jacked.

Holy shit.

Did you know that men
like to get their balls

cupped before they come?

Because I did not know that.

I spent the night
with a male escort, by the way.

Not as juicy as it sounds.

I actually didn't have the guts
to do it do it,

but I did get
a very good foot massage.

Expensive, though.

Oh, and my daughter
and her 14-year-old friends

tried to get drunk
with their vaginas.

And I spent
the last few days

worried that I was pregnant with
my estranged husband's baby.

Don't worry.
I'm not.

I just feel like this is the
stuff I should be writing about.

We don't need another Gwyneth
or Blake or Martha,

and I certainly can't be that.

I just... can't... write

another bullshit book.

I need to be myself.

I need to be as screwed up
and lost and sometimes freer

and happier than I've been
in my entire life,

and I need to know
that if I want to say

that sometimes I wish my husband
were dead, then I can,

because sometimes
I wish my husband was dead.

I don't know
anything anymore.

I am not the answer lady.

I am just like everybody else.

But I want to say
the weird stuff.

I want to write
about the crazy shit.

And that's my pitch.

I love it.

Charlie, it's time to go.

Chad, we don't have all day.

♪ I got a little bit
longer ♪

Thank you so much.

So conceptual.

- The mannequins?
- Right?

One second.
Thank you so much.

Oh, my God,
you look amazing.

- Hi.
- So do you.

How was the meeting?

Oh, my God, my meeting was
fantastic, actually.

I love that.

- Phoebe.
- Yeah.

I'd like to ask you some
questions about the collection.

Yes, Mrs. Rozen from W.

- Hey.
- Hi!

Wow, you look, uh...

Overworked.

Over... everything.

Okay, I hear you.

Um, Delia,
hey, I want you to meet Jo.

Jo, Delia is a divorce
attorney.

I cannot believe
this town.

Even the lawyers
look like you?

Would you like
to get another drink?

- Oh, yeah.
- Good.

- Hey, hi--
- These people are terrifying.

This woman keeps
touching me.

Okay.

Oh, there she is.
I can't--

- Where's your husband?
- He couldn't make it.

Oh, my God,
she really is staring at you.

I know. Jesus--

Well, I will take care
of you, then.

Please. Touching me.

So how did you come up with
the concept for Infant Fabuleux?

Oh, I was gonna save it
for Fallon,

but since you asked,
I was actually, uh...

Um, I was going to a...

A-a baby shower,

and somehow, my, um...

My girlfriend and I had
the same gift,

so I thought--

I had this ridiculous bling,
and, uh, I thought,

"hey, a pair
of tweezers," um...

So I thought, you know,

this would make
some really stunning baby stuff.

So that's
how you found your passion?

Yeah.

Um...

Yeah.

No, yes, yeah, no.

Actually, I just
kind of fell into it.

No... I have to go.

I just have
a couple more questions.

No, no, I really have to go.

Hey, you know what?

Chad, watch Charlie.

Max, watch Chad.

Hey.
What's happening?

You have to tell me
if this is stupid.

Um, it's--I think
it's very shrewd.

There's obviously
a market.

Abby.

I think
it's beneath you.

It is so stupid.

- It's not stupid.
- It is.

It is stupid,
and it's not me.

Oh, my God.

What am I gonna do?

Hey, are you okay?

No, I don't know. I mean,
I'm not really a baby person.

I'm--I'm not really
a people person.

Oh, my God.
Yes, you are.

It's just, you know,
is everything all right?

- You want to talk about it?
- No!

- I do think this will help.
- Yeah.

I took all the jewelry off.
Your friends are crazy.

- But I like 'em.
- I like 'em too.

All right,
patchouli princess.

Batter up, come on.

Whoo!

Oh, my God.

All right!

Not good enough.
Do it again.

Yes!
Hurl that infant.

All right.

I was just warming up,
Abby McCarthy!

Aah!

Aah!

That's for you, Ralf!

Whoo!

Sync and corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com