Original subtitles

Man: All right, fellas! Stand up for the count.

- Stand up. - (buzzer sounds)

- Man #1: Haber. - Here.

- Man #1: Hartford. - Here.

Man #2: Morning, ladies! Morning!

- Man #1: Innesby. - Mm-hmm.

- Madler. - Here.

- McCaughney. - Man #2: Let's move it! Let's move it!

Meierhof.

Narrator: You asked me about my worst secret...

Nardella.

Narrator: ...my most personal secret...

the secret of all my secrets.

But first...

I'm Vince Rizzo.

I want to begin by telling you

about where I live.

Vince: City Island is a fishing village

located in the Bronx, New York.

Now City Island is distinct from the rest of the Bronx

by virtue of being located on its own two-lane spit

right in the middle of the Sound.

Most people don't believe it until they see it.

And within the one square mile that comprises all there is of City Island

lies yet another distinction...

that of the mussel sucker

versus the clam digger.

The mussel sucker is an island resident

who moved here from somewhere else.

The clam diggers like myself

were born and bred on City Island,

preferably in the same house that's been handed down through the generations.

In short, the world can be divided

between clam diggers and mussel suckers,

those who stay and those who wander.

But I digress.

- (shower running) - You asked me about my worst secret,

my most personal secret,

the secret of all my secrets.

Well, like most of us...

I guess I have a few.

- (Vince screams) Oh! Oh! - Vince, I need the blow dryer.

- (grunts) - Hello!

- Vince, I need the blow dryer. - Coming!

What, did you fall in or something?

- Vinnie, you ready for your test today? - (keys tapping)

- Totally. - Go start my car.

I'll be down in five minutes.

(alarm chirps, engine turns over)

Woman: Morning.

Hey, call Viv, will you? Find out what bus she's taking.

Is she staying over?

Spring break... she's here all week.

Thought we'd go out for Mexican tonight.

I can't. I got a poker game.

Your daughter is home from college and all you can think about...

She's here all week, right?

Make an early dinner and don't let's start with me, please.

This summer, Vince, you are fixing that boat shed or tearing it down.

(R&B music playing) ♪ How are you doing? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

Write whatever you want 'cause I don't have time, all right?

♪ Yeah, this is a story about a regular ♪

♪ 100-year cycle, people... ♪

- (phone rings) - ♪ Yeah... ♪

- Hello. Yeah, hold on a second. - ♪ Real life... ♪

- Oh! - ♪ Hit me, one ♪

♪ Uh! ♪

♪ No, sir ♪

♪ Won't you hit me one more time now? ♪

♪ One more time, y'all... ♪

- (vocalizing) - Oh. Hey, Cheryl.

Do you want to do something? I'm not going to class.

Like what?

I don't know.

Uh, feed you some doughnuts?

Feed me doughnuts?

Oh, nice! Just make a fat joke. Creep!

- ♪ Now I saw my baby... ♪ - Time to lock gate!

Watch the gates!

(buzzer sounds)

- Vince: Gilroy! - Yeah.

Goldwitz. Haas.

All right, fellas! Stand up for the count.

- Handy. - Yo.

- Hartford. - Guard: Morning ladies, morning.

- Vince: Mr. Isaacs. - Here.

(phone rings)

Partridge, Amis, Pruitt and Van Helfen.

He's in a meeting. Would you like his voice mail?

♪ Well, he might be your first ♪

♪ But remember when I told yo a long time ago... ♪

He played poker again last night.

Wait. Joyce...

Meierhof!

There he is.

- Nardella! - Come on.

Listen, who are the new guys?

Well, we got a devil... Bogart, he transferred from upstate

- and then Nardella. - Yeah, Nardella... let me see his sheet.

It's the same old thing, man.

Grand theft auto, ounce of coke with intent to sell.

Done three out of five up at South Court,

pawned him off on us due to overcrowding.

It says here his parole is provisional.

To be released to a closest living relative.

Yeah, he could've did 30 days on the outside

if he had a family member who would've claimed his sorry grand-theft ass.

Instead he gotta finish out the rest of his time.

That was a tough break.

He gonna get out eventually.

And then he can go back to boosting Ferraris.

Well, it says here it was an Impala.

(laughing)

Who boosts Impalas?

Who does that?

Stealing the wrong kind of cars.

Hey, sweetheart, how are you doing?

How's my future college grad?

- Fine. Whatever. - (dance music thumping)

Listen, your mom wants to know what you wanna do all week.

- All week? - Yeah, you know,

for your Spring Break.

- Oh, right. - Did you make other plans or something?

- Did you forget? - No, of course not.

I just, you know, I had work...

Well, bring your books. Take the 6:00 and I'll pick you up.

No, you don't have to do that.

I know I don't have to do that,

but I wanna do it because I love you. I'll pick you up.

I love you too.

Nosha, you're on.

- (dance music thumping) - I'm losing a whole

week full of shifts.

Forgot about spring break.

Woman: Why don't you take vacation like the other kids?

(tires screech)

You didn't have to come, Dad. I could've gotten a car service.

Scholarships don't pay for car services.

They pay for your education.

- Did you bring your books? - Um, no.

Don't you got to study or nothing?

Fine. Whatever, Dad.

Well, you know, I'm just concerned

about you... that you don't fall behind in your studies.

- Stop, Dad. - (horns blaring)

- I'm concerned about your education... - Stop, Dad!

- ...nothing more important... - (loud crash)

(car horns beeping)

You got... you got 20 feet in front of you!

You can stop like over there and you got still 20 feet!

Get this thing out... get this piece of junk out of here!

Just get it out of here! Go ahead, get in your car.

- Get in your car! Get in your car! - I'm moving, I'm moving!

- Ought to have you arrested! - Man: All right!

(metal screeches, clatters)

Vince: Oh, fucking hell.

Oh, that's great Vince. Beautiful!

- A thing of beauty! - Yeah, you like it, huh?

I did it on purpose 'cause I knew you'd like it so much.

Joyce: Bloomies is having a sale in White Plains.

- We should go tomorrow. - Sure.

Maybe we'll go to the Botanical Gardens. Vinnie's been wanting to go.

- I what? - To the Botanical Gardens.

Botanical Gardens?

(stammers) You're... you're serious

about going to the Botanical...

okay.

I'm just saying there are much more interesting things we could do.

We could tie ourselves to the couch and watch

The Food Network for 48 hours straight or something like that.

And maybe afterwards you know, we could take a tour

of a Ziploc bag factory.

- That would be fun. - Vin, shut up.

(mimicking Vivian) You shut up, Vivian, seriously.

- Shut up, Vin. - Hey hey hey hey.

(grunts) My heart, my heart. Somebody call an ambulance.

- I need help. I need help! - That's enough.

So when's he leaving this phase of his dopey adolescence?

Never. He's never leaving high school

'cause he thinks he's too smart to go to any of his classes.

Well, what for?

To get an "A"?

"Oh, sweet! I got an A!

Look at this A. I'm having so much fun

looking at this letter on a piece of paper.

Five more of these letters on this piece of paper

and I can get a 4.0 GPA average."

For what? So I can grow up and become another meaningless...

Prison guard like your father who also does not have a college degree?

- Nice. - Not what I was gonna say, but...

Excuse me.

First of all it's a correctional officer.

And you know what happens if you don't go to college?

Huh? You wind up answering phones for a living.

Is that nice? You wanna hear that kind of stuff?

- I went to Oneonta. - Oneonta, please!

Two years Oneonta which is not exactly a Harvard degree.

If I hadn't gotten pregnant, I would've gotten my degree.

Great, Ma. So I spoiled your college degree?

No, honey, you didn't... you did not spoil my college degree.

I'm just saying if I hadn't gotten pregnant, I would've had a degree.

Yeah, but you wouldn't have her. So what... degree, you daughter?

Degree, your daughter? We all know what you're saying.

- Where are you going? - I got a poker game.

Play hard, Pops.

Vivian: Shut up, Vin.

Woman: My life is falling apart. It's all crumbling.

Louder, I can't hear you.

Woman: I need to know you love me.

I...

Say it.

- Let's go. - I think so.

Jesus Christ.

Man: Yes.

I love you.

Wait a minute, why did you need to pause there?

What were all those pauses for? What were they?

What do you mean?

I mean, you said two lines and I counted four pauses in two lines.

Why do you need a pause before you say "what"?

Oh, he's stalling for time.

Why? I mean does he love her or does he not love her?

- He does love her. - So what the hell

do you need to pause for?

Listen. (sighs)

We have to call a moratorium on pauses.

Five years of my life has gone out the window

listening to pauses in this room.

I can't do it anymore. So we gotta cut out the pauses.

In 2,000 years of theater history, you never find anybody pausing.

Nobody paused. They either talked or they listened.

They did their acting while they were talking.

All of a sudden Marlon Brando comes into the picture

about 45, 50 years ago.

And everybody says, "Oh my God, the man is a genius.

Did you see him thinking?"

Did you see Brando in "The Fugitive Kind"?

Anybody see that? You saw that.

Okay. Somebody asks Brando what his name is.

He's gotta think about it.

Why?! Why does he have to think about that?

Takes him a half an hour to get back to the guy.

It's not acting and it's not... and it's not thinking.

It's just...

well, it's just bullshit.

No more pauses!

If you wanna think, think in the privacy of your own home.

Otherwise, very nice work. Very good.

Okay, everybody up. Stretch.

Nice deep stretch.

TV announcer: Star Mania...

- (theme music playing) - ...all talent, all the time.

- (clicks) - Vivian: Hello. Yeah.

I can't talk right now.

I don't know, maybe Monday.

Just give my shift to Autumn.

All right, bye.

Who was that?

Work.

And you and you.

Okay.

All the people I've mentioned, turn left and face your new partner.

Go on, say hello.

- Hi. - Hi.

(British accent) I'm Molly Charlesworth.

- Hi, Vince Rizzo. - Nice to meet you.

- Likewise. - Teacher: Okay, good. All right.

Your assignment for next week

is to find the most embarrassing,

the most unspeakable thing you can think of,

your secret of secrets

and you're gonna share it with your new partner.

So what are you gonna do with your partner's secret?

You're gonna use to find the courage

to dramatize your own secret

which you've been trying to hide within an inch of your lives.

And you're gonna present it to us next week

in the form of a monologue with no pauses.

Is that clear?

Good. Any questions?

Very good. Good class!

Molly: So then the maid came running into my room and said,

"Your father didn't kill himself, he just tried to kill your mother."

Only my mother was away and my father was so drunk

he thought their wedding portrait had come to life.

So my brother and I went to stay with my aunt

on her plantation in Hawaii.

And my brother turned to opium byproducts.

And, um...

and I got shuttled off to a series of dusty

and best-forgotten European boarding schools.

Wow.

- What happened to your brother? - Oh God, no, I'm sorry, I...

It's just it's not really useful for this purpose.

You see, the problem is I've told this secret about a million times.

I audition with it, in fact.

It's your turn, Vincent. I'm stuck.

I don't know. Is it possible that I don't have one?

No. That would make you far too healthy to want to be an actor.

Yeah, right.

♪ She walks around with a bees' nest... ♪

(keys tapping)

♪ On her head like a futuristic city ♪

♪ With flying cars brains in jars ♪

♪ Floating in... ♪

(beeps)

♪ Disco out on the West Coast ♪

♪ High on perfume... ♪

- (women moaning) - Woman: Oh, baby, you know you like

your girls big. This is the home of...

Come on, think.

Well, for one thing, I mean, right here...

my wife right now thinks that I got a poker game tonight.

You mean, instead of telling her you've enrolled in an acting class,

you told her you're out gambling.

- Right. - Is that better?

Well, it's kinda hard to explain, but yeah.

You see, my wife, she wouldn't go...

she wouldn't go for the fact that I wanna be an actor.

How very refreshing.

Yeah, I guess so.

All right, then. Come on, tell it to me...

like you were confessing it.

Hi, I'm Vince Rizzo. You asked me about my worst secret,

my most personal secret.

Well, my wife, she thinks I got a poker game tonight

and...

Eh, this is bullshit.

What do you mean? You could do worse?

- Yeah. - Try me.

I mean, I... I hardly know you.

I know, isn't it lovely?

I just met my son.

Where?

In the facility where I work. I'm a corrections officer.

- You're a prison guard? - (laughs)

Well, sort of. Yeah.

Wow.

And how old is he, your son?

He's 24. Yeah.

His name is Tony.

Tony Nardella.

This is brilliant. How did you recognize him?

Well, his name, it just popped right out from the rap sheet.

You know, Nardella, because that was his mom... Nan's name.

And he was born in Camden, New Jersey, which is where she lived.

I wasn't actually there with them 'cause I took off.

Have you ever told your current wife about him?

Or about his mother?

No.

Or about any of it?

I always meant to, but...

I could never find the right time.

He is really handsome.

(alternative music playing)

Hi, I'm Denise and I'm a proud BBW.

That's "Big Beautiful Woman" for those of you new to this.

I'm 5'8", 350 lbs and I think eating

and being a sexy woman is the sexiest thing in the world.

If you join my club,

you'll get 24-hour access to a live view of my kitchen

where I spend the most of my time when I'm not working.

Hi, I'm Denise and I'm a proud BBW.

That's "Big Beautiful Woman" for those of you new to this.

Vince: My wife? My wife she's a fighter.

She's tough. She has very firm opinions on things.

You just wanna make sure she's fighting on your side.

Wow, she sounds like a real dame.

Oh yeah, she's a real dame.

And she looks great too.

- (chuckles) - She's beautiful.

But, you know, lately...

it's almost like we're not friends anymore.

The reappearance of your secret love child

- might well provide the solution. - How?

He'll provide a dangerous symbol of your own virility.

She'll be reminded of all the things that attracted her to you to begin with.

You see, the Vincent she never really knew

is the Vincent she secretly wants back.

- Does that make any sense? - No, but, you know,

women are emotionally incoherent.

It's our most defining characteristic.

I do some of my best work via cellular.

Call me, Vincent...

but only on a whim.

Good night.

Denise: Hey!

- Hey, Joycie. - Yeah?

Listen, uh, I was thinking as, you know,

it being a Saturday night and all and Vivian's here,

why don't we have a big home-cooked dinner tonight?

Big... nice and big.

Yeah sure, like I do every Saturday night.

Yeah, but, like, you know, something special.

You know, like for a real special occasion or something special,

something nice.

You want balloons or something?

No, I don't want balloons or something.

- I'm just saying something nice. - When don't I make it nice?

- Make something nicer. - Make it yourself!

- The great communicator! - Just forget him.

You sleep outside last night?

No, no, no, no.

I did heroin with a bunch of prostitutes at The Plaza Hotel.

I'm thinking of becoming a pimp.

Good.

I'll see you later.

See you later.

(gate slams)

(keys jangling)

(buzzer sounds)

My name is Vince Rizzo, Correctional Officer 426.

It says here you made provisional parole,

but you got no family to be released to.

Yeah, that's life.

You got a mother named Nan.

- Yeah. - 5'2", redhead?

- Yeah. - How's she doing?

Not so good. She's dead.

About four years ago.

- I'm sorry to hear that. - Why?

- You knew her? - Yeah, I knew her.

So, uh... (clears throat)

- Anything else? - Yeah, there's something else.

I spoke to Warden Amboy.

You're gonna be released to me.

You're gonna be in my personal care for the next 30 days.

I live in the Bronx. Get my prisoner ready.

(rock music playing)

(singer vocalizing)

♪ Good gosh you want it now ♪

♪ Shala boom boom yeah ♪

♪ Say it, y'all ♪

♪ Shala boom boom yeah ♪

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me ♪

- ♪ Come on now ♪ - ♪ Shala boom boom yeah ♪

- ♪ Yeah, come on ♪ - ♪ Shalalala boom boom yeah ♪

♪ I've been trying to find what's heavy ♪

♪ And that's bee messing up my mind ♪

♪ Well, I-I-I-I... ♪

♪ Think I found the answer ♪

♪ 'Cause it was right there all the time ♪

♪ Did it make you happy? ♪

- ♪ Yeah-ha-ha ♪ - ♪ I've just got to say... ♪

(woman vocalizing)

♪ I don't want no heavy ♪

- ♪ No, no, no ♪ - ♪ If I can't feel this way ♪

- ♪ I've got to feel this way ♪ - ♪ Give it to me now ♪

♪ Shala boom boom yeah ♪

♪ Come on, y'all ♪

- ♪ Shala boom boom yeah ♪ - ♪ Do it, do it, do it ♪

♪ Shala boom boom yeah... ♪

(engine knocks)

Can I ask you, like, why I'm chained to a Ford?

I'm gonna unchain you, Tony,

but first I gotta tell you something.

You see this house here?

That's my home.

My grandfather built this home and I share it with my family.

Oh, you got them chained up in the house too?

You're gonna get real nice food

and a real nice place to live for the first time in three years,

so you better behave yourself.

And all this because you knew my bitch mother?

Well, I gotta admit, Nan could be difficult sometimes but...

she was also...

- she... - A drunk and a whore.

- Why do you call her that? - She used to punish me

for not boosting cases of vodka from the liquor store I worked at

by screwing my friends.

Which base does "drunk" and "whore" not cover?

Don't you have any fond memories of her?

Well, at least she was around. My father left before I was born.

- What do you know about him? - He's dead.

That's too bad.

Eh, the only thing that's too bad

is I didn't get a chance to visit his deathbed

and dance in his ugly face for leaving me with that bitch.

Okay, let's go.

- Do I ever get uncuffed? - I'll unchain you in a minute.

I don't want you running away before I show you

- what kind of setup I got for you. - Gee, run away, why would I do that?

Tony: I thought you said this was a house.

Vince: House, shed, whatever.

This is it. I started fixing it a couple of years ago,

but I got busy with other things.

Here's the deal... you're gonna help me put a bathroom in here.

- Excuse me? - A bathroom.

My wife always wanted a bathroom in here, so I figured,

you know, I saw in your sheet you're a handyman.

30 days, you build a bathroom with me.

Once you're through, I'll pay you a fair wage,

you can go wherever the hell you want,

a few bucks in your pockets. That's the deal.

How am I supposed to build a bathroom with handcuffs on me?

(keys jangling)

Don't go running away from me, Tony.

'Cause if you do, I'm gonna personally come after you.

You understand me?

I'll throw your ass back in the cage.

And this time, they ain't gonna be kidding.

They're gonna put you away for a long stretch, you understand me?

Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, whatever.

Why don't you try "Okay, Vince, I promise you that"?

Okay, Vince, I promise you that.

Why don't you try...

"Thank you, Vince, for getting my ass out of the cage."

Spit it out.

Thanks for getting me out of the cage.

You're welcome. And don't be talking shit about your mother,

- she wasn't perfect, but she was... - She was a good lay?

Yeah, whatever.

(car doors open, close)

Shit! My wife.

Is that what you call her... "Shit, my wife"?

- I don't smoke. - Yeah, I can tell.

Whatever you do, just don't mention the prison thing.

Just say we're old friends.

What? Were we on a bowling team together?

My daughter's back from college, so you better take it easy.

- Take it easy? - And don't mention

that I knew you mother. It's bad news.

- I'll tell you when you can come out. - But I just...

- Anybody home? - Vinnie: I'm here!

So is Dad. He's out back...

handcuffed to some biker dude.

Been back there for quite some time...

boat shed.

You bring some filthy biker into my house

without even so much as asking me?!

He's not a biker. He's a nice young man!

He's gonna be working for his board!

Where did you meet this guy, anyway?

He was getting out of jail in a month and I told him

- I'd take responsibility for him. - Oh my God, Vince!

What? You just pick a con at random and bring him into my house?

I didn't pick no con at random. I happen to know his mother!

What?

His mother, I... I... I... I...

I happen to know his mother.

What do you mean? Who was she?

Oh, Ma, you think he never knew any woman before ya?

- I mean, calm down. Are you serious? - Yeah, exactly. I knew his mother.

- She was like an old friend of mine. - No! No! No!

- No what?! - (all shouting)

Vince: My grandparents built this house!

Those two guys right there built this house!

Joyce: No, Vince. He cannot stay here!

Vince: He can stay in this house because it's my house!

Joyce: He cannot stay here, Vince!

Do you understand me? And if you don't like it

- go and sleep in the water. - Keep your mouth shut!

Before we go on, I'd like to thank my beautiful wife Joycie

for this special dinner that she prepared.

- Vinnie: Yeah, it looks great, Mom! - Joyce: Thank you.

And I'd like to welcome Tony to our table.

Good times ahead.

Nothing but good, sweet, breezy times.

Plus the food has gotta be, like, at least marginally better

than the shit they serve in jail, right?

(smacks) What's the matter with you?

- Ow! My peptic ulcer! - Starting already?

- Already you're starting... - That is my peptic ulcer!

- Vivian: Shut up. - You have to watch it!

- Vinnie. - Vin, shut up.

Nah, yo! You shut up. Get off my ass.

- Hey. - What... what you gonna do?

Joyce: Shh shh shh! So, Vince tells me

that he was friends with your mother.

Um, yeah, a long time ago, I guess.

I guess so.

Because I never heard about it.

Well, that's because, uh, it was before we met, sweetie.

He says she was a very nice woman.

- Good-looking too, I bet. - (chuckling)

Oh, here we go.

Mom, Dad's right.

Why don't we just be upfront here?

Come out with it. Just ask him if he had sex with this woman.

- Vince! - Vinnie, apologize to me!

Ow! That's right where... that's my brain tumor.

Well, he does have a point, sweetie.

I mean...

with all due respect, it is what you were getting at.

Even though you were... you were kind of circling the airport...

I don't care if you had sex with her or not.

Why are you two ganging up on me?

Oh, come on, Joycie.

You know, after 20 years, I know where you're going before even you do.

Well, that must be very boring for you, Vince. Really.

Who knew that I was failing to keep you entertained all these years.

Vivian: Come on, Ma. He didn't mean it like that.

What, you're taking his side too now?

No, I'm not taking his side. I'm just saying...

it's not about sides, okay?

Just... you know, Dad says some things

in a stupid way sometimes.

What do you mean in a stupid way?

- Vivian: No... - Now your dad is stupid

- for some reason all of a sudden? - I meant you said it in a stupid way.

Vince: You just said... you just said that I was sounding stupid.

You might talk to your college... your college friends like it.

- Don't talk to your father like that. - Blame her for a real education.

I'm not saying anything about... I'm just saying she can't talk to me...

Joyce: You have to bring college into it?

Vince: No, you brought college into it!

- God, Dad! Just stop! - (all shouting)

- Just stop already! - She's saying I'm stupid in front

- of the dining room table. - Dad, stop!

- Vince: Want some cheese? - Yeah, sure. Thank you.

Okay Vivian, I've got to ask you a question.

What?

Are your breasts continuing to grow?

Because... and this is to my eye, they look way bigger...

- What?! - What are you doing?

- How dare you talk to your sister... - Joyce: Go to your room!

- Go to my room? - Joyce: Go upstairs.

Pretty lame, Mom. That's pretty...

- it's a little old school. - Don't sass your mother like that!

- Oh! "Don't sass." - Go to your room right now.

- This is pre-1950... - Hey! Hey!

- Go... go to your room right now. - I like this '50s family. This is nice.

My room's got everything.

- Everything I need is in my room. - Hey! Hey, you want me to get up?

- Vinnie: I got a phone, I got... - I'm getting up.

It's not a punishment. I'm going. I'm gone.

I'm leaving.

Joyce: Unbelievable.

- Vivian: What? - Joyce: Vince!

What?

I mean, uh...

he does have a point there, sweetie. I mean...

you do seem to be getting a little larger in that area.

- Oh! Jesus, Dad! - Vince: What's the matter with you?

Hey, where are you going? Hey!

- (all shouting) - Joyce: God damn it, Vince!

That girl buries her head in her books 18 hours a day.

She comes home for a little quality family time

and you gotta go and screw it up!

What's screwed up? I'm just saying they're getting larger!

It was a compliment!

- Oh my God! - What's the matter with you guys?

- Joyce: Inappropriate! - Vince: I'm inappropriate?

I'm inappropriate? I'm the guy here who's trying

to hold this thing together. What's the matter with you guys, huh?

The hell with this!

The hell with all of yous!

Um...

dinner was great.

Thank you.

(clock chiming)

Hey, Molly.

Yeah, it's me... Vince.

I'm calling you on a whim.

(rap music rumbling)

♪ Put your hands up ♪

♪ Put your... up ♪

♪ This song's for... ♪

- Spring break over? - Look, just ask Autumn if she'll

take off early tonight

- and split her shift with me. - Highly unlikely.

Asian invasion is out in force.

(men chattering)

Shit! I could've cleaned up this week.

Have a drink, Viv.

(ship horn blaring)

(sighs)

My husband thinks I quit.

One good thing about the joint,

they don't let you smoke anymore so...

I quit inside.

Being in prison and not being able to smoke?

That's like being in jail.

Join me.

All right.

Molly: You've got to tell him. I mean,

the longer he goes without knowing who you really are,

the greater his sense of betrayal.

And he's been betrayed enough.

Yeah, and it all started when I walked off.

No, don't do that.

Don't succumb to self-flagellation.

I mean, I understand it of course.

It's wonderfully Catholic of you and everything,

but you're beyond it.

You've opened up your home to a convicted felon.

You've shown him huge trust

by leaving him alone there with your family.

Oh, Jesus, that's all I need.

No, because he's your flesh and blood.

If you can't trust your own blood then what the hell can you trust?

Vincent, come on, it's time for you to just take the final step

and reveal his birthright to him.

Joyce: He started that boat shed three years ago.

Bought enough wood and junk to build a forest.

It was gonna be his new career... building things.

He gets discouraged when things take too long.

Like more than an hour.

(Tony laughs)

And him and his poker games...

does he really think I'd buy that crap?

Vince: What's this you're reading here... "Screen and Stage"?

"The Wall Street Journal" for struggling actors.

You peruse it

for news and open calls,

parts you'll never get

and projects that are never made.

For instance...

umm... all right, here we go.

"Open call... male, 30 to 50,

working-class type, no agency rep required.

Auditions will be held Monday, 9:00 a.m., Varick Street Armory."

Wait, that would be a good one for you.

(laughs) No kidding.

- Come on. - Yeah, no agent.

Does it also say... I got no agent, I qualify,

- does it say no talent? - (chuckles)

(chimes ring)

(keys tapping, beeps)

So what happens? You go to Canal Street

and then what happens?

You've never been to an audition before?

No.

Oh, Vincent, it's dreadful.

- (laughs) - What?

Okay, so, you walk in,

you wait in a room crowded full of faces

that look vaguely familiar in a spooky sort of way.

They march you in, they stare at you, they hate you.

You sing and dance and twirl about

and show off all the talents that once thrilled your mother and father.

They make faces. Sometimes... very rarely,

they ask a question.

Then you're dismissed and you go home feeling

like a complete and utter failure.

- Sounds terrifying. - (laughing)

But having said all that...

you really should go for this one.

- It sounds perfect for you, come on. - (laughing)

Thank you very much. You'd walk me off a cliff.

- (chimes ring) - Welcome my new fat-friendly fan.

You're now officially a member of my club.

If you see me out at a BBW function in the New York metro area,

you can tell me you're a special member by saying our secret word...

"Botero."

Molly: When you think about it, Vincent,

acting is one of the strangest things a person could possibly choose to do.

Pretending to be someone else

who was dreamed up by some third party,

it's like agreeing to be a marionette.

Why do you act?

Really, what other profession could accommodate

my sort of behavioral problems?

Yeah, sort of like getting paid

for being a professional screw-up.

(giggles) Perfect.

I, uh... I grew up with a mother and no father.

And my mother hated my father so much for leaving.

Then she took it out on me because I reminded her of him.

I didn't even know him.

It was hilarious.

Upstairs in my son's room there's a bunch of sweaters.

Second door on your left. Feel free.

Thank you.

"Boturro"?

(chopping)

(timer dings)

(clatters)

Hey!

Hello! Who's there?

So have you thought any more about your... your secret?

All the time.

I'm sure you have a lot of interesting secrets.

(chuckles) Yeah. Scads.

Probably very difficult for you to, you know, decide which one is the best.

Am I ever gonna get a chance to hear it?

Because, uh... I don't mean to press you or anything, it's just that,

you know, I'm a little nervous seeing we've class in a few days and...

I just wanna be helpful.

Where do you live?

- The Bronx. - No "thonks."

- What? - (laughs)

Forget it. It's Ogden Nash. I'm sorry.

I'm sure the Bronx is lovely.

My part of it is, the other part... not so much.

- (chuckles) - I live in a place called City Island.

It's an old fishing village.

Really?

City Island...

the two words stand in stark relief from each other.

"City"... so short and abrupt and definite;

and "island"... exotic, unknowable.

And with a silent "s."

I would never...

have thought about it in those terms, but, yeah, it's a great spot.

If you live there, you grow up there,

you would never think about moving somewhere else.

Good night, Tony. Pleasant dreams.

- Good night, Mrs. Rizzo. - Joyce.

Mrs. Rizzo was Vince's mom.

- That's it. - What?

That's my secret.

No, not yet.

I need it to stay mine just for a little bit longer.

Once you know, it's no longer truly a secret.

Okay.

There'll be a moment when it's obvious.

Will you keep it with you?

Yeah, of course.

(laughs) Vince.

What?

What a wonderful time to have not disappeared.

(jazz music playing)

♪ Oh, one lie ♪

♪ Leads to another ♪

♪ Two lies cover the other three lies ♪

♪ Now you're in an awful fix ♪

♪ Four lies you're getting in deeper ♪

♪ Five lies, piling up steeper ♪

♪ Get wise ♪

♪ Or you're gonna be telling six ♪

♪ You'd better listen and take care ♪

♪ Don't you tell seven ♪

♪ Beware, you won't go to heaven ♪

♪ Up there the goo with the bad don't mix... ♪

Joyce: Where were you last night, honey?

With friends.

Where are you going?

Beach.

- ♪ One lie ♪ - ♪ Leads to another ♪

- ♪ Two lies ♪ - ♪ Covers the other ♪

- ♪ Three lies ♪ - ♪ Now you're in an awful fix ♪

- ♪ Four lies ♪ - ♪ Getting in deeper... ♪

Okay, here's what I'm thinking.

We take the pipe, we run it straight through here.

We angle it off. We chase the steps

up the hill and tap into the main line.

Feels good building something, don't it?

Yeah.

You know, my grandfather built this house way before I was born.

- (grunts) - Yeah, you told me.

He came from the old country. He became a fish scaler.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, him and his brother.

A couple of real mussel suckers.

How's that?

In City Island there's an old custom.

If you come from somewhere else, you're known as a mussel sucker.

But if you're born and raised here like myself,

you're a clam digger.

Clam digger...

mussel sucker.

Great.

Hey! Hey, you wanna see something?

- Vivian: No. - Really? Are you sure?

- Go away. - It could mess with your head,

like, forever.

I'd... I'd wanna see it.

Where did you get that?

Oh, this. Uh...

Dad hides it in his bathroom.

- (loud crash) - Oh!

Hey, relax. Relax. It's just me.

- You scared the hell out of me. - What's that?

- What? - That.

It's between you and me, okay?

It's an open call for a movie tomorrow.

So?

Ever since I was a little kid I wanted to become an actor.

I thought it was something I can do.

I'm even taking acting classes over there in the city.

But nobody knows. Joyce don't know.

Nobody knows.

It's kinda stupid. She thinks I got a poker game.

All you really got going on is an acting class?

I got an acting class. Another friend of mine

who goes to the class... she was explaining to me

what it's like going on auditions, you know?

And it doesn't sound like it's for me.

You should give it a shot if that's what you wanna do.

It's what I wanna do, but I'm no actor.

Not for real anyway.

Anyone can act if they have to.

What do you mean anybody can act if they...

you can't act if you have to. You gotta study to act.

Not like... like when I got to South Court. All right?

I figured I needed to act more psycho than everyone else.

I mean, I was younger.

I had to watch out for myself.

So what did you do?

Well, I went right up to the ugliest guy I could find.

- Oh! - I think I'm pissed off at you,

but I don't know why. Do I got a reason?

- You said that? - Shut up! I'm talking to you.

- Okay. - Give me the top 10 reasons

you're a piece of shit and I'll let you know

when something rings a bell, but don't lie to me.

And don't figure me for one of your sissy boys who's gonna put out for you,

you sadly deformed excuse for humanity

posing as a piece of prison garbage.

And it worked.

And that was just, uh... acting.

Hey, think about it, all right?

Hey, that was... that was terrific.

(car horn beeps)

Hey, how are you doing? I'm here for the movie audition.

Back of the line.

Do you know anything about this movie here?

Scorsese and De Niro.

Where were you, a funeral?

Yeah.

- Hey. - Hey, yourself.

Oh, yeah.

"Oh, yeah" what?

Oh, relax.

"Hey, yourself." "Hey, yourself."

Psst! Hey!

(whistles) Hey!

(whispers) "Boturro"!

"Boturro"! "Boturro"!

It's... it's "Botero"!

Come here! Come here!

Dude, it's Botero. I wikipedia'd that.

They had the pronunciation spelled out like a phonetic dictionary...

(laughs)

I'm making triple-braised baby back ribs, mixed-grilled,

swaddled in steaks.

Do you wanna go shopping with me?

Yes?

Yes, I do, actually.

(Vinnie chattering)

I think it's gonna be delicious once we cook it.

I think we should get some of that.

A couple of these, you say?

These are really heavy.

Hey, so I'm almost done with the trash.

- What do you want me to do next? - Oh, I don't know.

What did Vince want done in there?

A toilet, wall, shower stall, floor...

I mean, he wasn't really specific.

But you know, we could... we could go to a bathroom place or something

and pick some stuff out.

Well, I got no plans.

I took a day off... you know, "family time."

Well, you know, maybe we should

ask Vince if he has any...

preferences.

Preferences for what?

You know, toilets and stuff.

(both laugh)

That's funny.

Why is that funny?

- You know, toilets. - Yeah.

I just wanna go back to work.

I mean, why does this holiday even exist?

You know?

It's sucks, you know? My parents are so freaking toxic.

- It's just... - (Joyce giggling)

- Joyce: Oh, yeah. - Toilets.

- (laughing) - I gotta get out of here.

- I better go call my husband. - Sure.

(sighs)

Nope. No. No, no, no.

No way, no way, no way, no way, no way.

No, no, no.

No way. No.

(dialing)

Officer Rizzo, please.

Yeah, I'm holding for my husband, Officer Rizzo.

- He called in sick? - (phone ringing)

- Hello. - Joyce: Hi.

Excuse me. Hey, sweetie, how are you doing?

- Where are you? - Yeah, I'm... I'm... I'm...

I'm... I'm... I'm at work. Yeah, I'm out in the yards.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I was just wondering...

if you had a preference for toilets.

Toilets?

Yeah, uh... no, toilets, no, no preference.

Just take Tony with you.

He'll... he can help.

Yeah, okay. Good idea.

I'll take Tony.

Oh, Vince.

You know how every cop always leaves his house with a gun?

Well, my husband swears...

that every car should have a good pair of handcuffs...

like he's Joe Justice.

Orchard Beach.

You ever been?

I actually considered killing myself.

I considered, you know, chop off a sexual organ in defiance.

I... I've just gotta to tell you,

it's my thing.

I need to feed a girl like a lot of food.

(sighs) You're a classic feeder, Vinnie.

You gain pleasure by giving pleasure.

Who was the girl in the market yesterday?

Oh, her. That's... that's Cheryl.

She's just a friend from school.

She's a sweetie. Invite her over.

So, Tony, um, you do anything else besides, uh...

What, boosting a car?

Just some kid stuff... I held up a gas station.

Robbed a pharmacy, couple of jewelry stores.

Are you scared of me?

Oh, yeah.

Sir, follow us.

Sir, this way.

Sir, this... you too.

Can you make a line in the order I called you?

And you, you join us.

Sir, you too.

You, you in the back, this way.

And him.

And you, back of the line.

All right, thank you very much!

You can go home! Come on.

(men groaning)

- This is bullshit. - What's going on?

- This is crazy. - This ain't cool.

It's okay, Tony. It's not like I'm doing this for revenge or nothing.

(laughs) I don't care.

It doesn't matter to me.

Only, let me... let me ask you, if he wasn't fooling around on you...

No. No, you don't worry about that.

He made his decisions. I'm making mine.

But I mean, what if... what if he hadn't?

- Hadn't what? - Made what you thought he made.

- You're having another feeling? - What other feeling?

- Like you don't like me? - No, that's definitely not the case.

(laughs)

Good.

Vince Rizzo.

Yeah?

Please follow me.

Okay.

- Good luck. Good luck, guys. - Yeah, you too.

Relax, be yourself.

Sir, this way.

- Stand on the mark. - Excuse me?

The mark.

Slate yourself.

Say what?

Look into the camera and say your name.

Oh, yeah. Vincent Rizzo, Correctional Officer, 426.

(belt jangles)

- Joyce, I can't. - (giggles) What?

I can't. No, Joyce, I can't.

I can't. (sniffs)

It's not that I don't wanna, I do.

It's not nothing,

except your husband,

maybe he's got something going on in his life.

Maybe it's not a poker game,

but it's doesn't gotta mean it's another woman, you know?

Really?

Like what, he's taking a class?

Please.

- Whenever you're ready. - Excuse me?

- Start. - Oh, do the thing.

Mm-hmm.

(mimicking Marlon Brando muttering)

I... I'm sorry, are you doing a Marlon Brando impression?

No.

Okay, let's just try it again in your own voice.

Yeah.

Uh...

(mutters) Rizzo, you're such a schmuck.

Yeah, okay.

"So make no mistake, Joey!

From now on out, I'm watching you,

what you do, who you do. Watch it!

'Cause Frankie Granucci has eyes in the back of his head."

In the back of his head?

In the back of his... shouldn't it be like I have eyes in the back...

- Thank you, Mr. Rizzo. - Excuse me?

- Thank you. - That's it?

- (phone ringing) - Hold on one second.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

I'll try.

Are you a professional actor?

No, I'm a corrections officer.

Okay, could you come back... come back to the mark?

You're a corrections officer. Is that a prison guard?

A prison guard?

Yeah, I guess you can call it that.

Okay, and where do you work?

Dalegrove Correctional Facility, Westchester.

Is that like one of those country club prisons?

- Country club prisons? - Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry, uh,

but I wouldn't call it that. No, not by a long shot.

- You want me to talk about this? - Sure.

I mean, we got guys in there that if you see inside their mind

and see what they're thinking, you wouldn't be thinking of no golf game.

Okay, well, tell me more about what you do?

- What's a typical day? - A typical day? There's no such animal.

I mean, some days are boat and tote...

you do the count, you send the guys out in the yard.

But other days... other days, there's trouble.

You know, the gangs are out of control, you gotta lock it down.

The boys and the girls, they go into their little bitch spats.

You know, kinda like in the real world, but here they jump your bones.

You know, sometimes I see a new recruit come in

and I'm looking at him, I'm going, "I got two words for you: Bye bye."

'Cause you're not gonna be the same guy coming in

as you are going out, you know what I'm saying?

Okay so, you know, that scene we just read?

Just do it again in your own words.

- Not using the... like improvisation. - Throw the script away.

- Yes. Yes. - It's like an improvisation, yeah.

- How would you say it? - That this Joey Zambuli character,

he thinks he got the goods on the Frankie Granucci

- which is the guy I play, right? - Mm-hmm.

Which makes Zambuli like the worst kind of creep.

- Why do you say that? - Well, you know, where I work,

everything is about power.

So, you know, Zambuli... they try to intimidate

the new recruits when they come in.

And if you're a new recruit and you don't get in their face right away

and hold your ground, they're gonna have you on all fours,

you know, sucking cement.

You know what sucking cement means, right?

I know what that means.

What, uh... what do you do with guys like that?

Well, you know, you gotta...

yeah.

What I would do is I would pretend that...

bang! Right up... right from the start when they come to me,

I pretend I'm more psycho than they are, you know, get them off guard.

You just gotta get right in his face

and you give him a little intimidation like that.

And you say: "I'm pissed off at you and I don't know why?

Do I got a reason?"

Something like that.

Look right into the camera

and talk to Joey Zambuli.

- Like if Joey Zambuli's in the camera? - Mm-hmm.

- And you are pissed off. - I don't like him.

- No. - Yeah.

I mean, he's a creep.

Hey, Zambuli, I think I'm pissed off at you and I don't know why.

Do I got a reason? Huh?

Let me help you out a little bit.

Why don't you give me your top 10 reasons

why you're... why you're a piece of shit

and I'll tell you when one rings a bell.

Okay? Go.

And don't lie to me!

You got it? Don't lie to me!

And don't figure me for one of your little sissy boys

that's gonna put out for you whenever you ask.

Because I got eyes in the front of my head

and in the back of my head and in the side of my head.

And they all see 20/20, capisce?

Comprende?

You're a sadly deformed excuse for humanity

posing as some sort of prison garbage.

You mess with me...

you mess with Frankie Granucci...

Frankie Granucci, you lose!

- Thank you. - What?!

- Thank you. - Yeah, you'd better thank me,

you piece of shit! Get out of my face!

Get out of my face! Take your eyes out of your...

- All right, Mart? - Thank you, Mr. Rizzo!

Shove 'em up your nose, you're gonna be looking like this

- the rest of your life! - Mr. Rizzo! Thank you!

- Excuse me? Oh, that's all? - (women chuckling)

- Sorry, I got carried away. - Woman: That's okay.

Okay. Thank you.

- That was crazy... - Woman: Thank you. Yes.

That was pretty wild. You need this?

- No! That's fine. - Thank you very much.

All righty. Oh!

- (women laugh) - Careful.

That was nice. I had a good time.

I was walking out. I was feeling like

I was going to throw up. And then she stopped me, she brought me back in.

And before I knew it, she's asking me these questions

and she's got me doing an improvisation and I lost my mind.

- It was crazy. - Wait.

You just did an improv for Martin Scorsese's casting director?

- Yeah. - Vincent, that's not everyday

garden-variety audition, that's...

I mean, that's just...

you're in the elite...

elite core

of auditioneers.

- No, I wouldn't call it elite. - It's amazing!

No, it was not. It wasn't elite.

I mean, it was... it was... it was wild.

I mean, she had me screaming inside the camera now.

I... I lost my mind.

And... but ultimately, it was... it was all bullshit.

What do you mean?

Well, because I pretended as though I...

you know, that's the way I talk to the guys inside,

but actually, that's the way my son Tony talks to the guys inside.

No, that's so much better.

You co-opted someone else's experience

and filtered it through your own personality

in order to create a character. That's not bullshit, Vincent.

- That's acting. - That's acting?

- You can do that in acting? - (phone ringing)

- Yes. - It's allowed?

I can't believe this just happened to you today.

It was pretty crazy, I'll tell ya.

(mutters) Yeah, hello.

Yeah, this is me.

You want me to come back? Did I forget something?

Who's this?

- Louise from casting. - (whispers) Callback.

The producers would like to see you read again

with some of the other actors who have already been cast.

This would be Wednesday at 2:00.

- Can you make it? - Read with other actors?

Yes yes, I... I guess yes.

You mean... what... Wednesday at 2:00?

- I got... I got work on Wednesday. - (whispering) No, no!

No, I don't have work on Wednesday.

Wednesday at 2:00?

It's okay. Yeah, it'll be fine.

I can be there. Yeah.

Thank... thank you for everything, I guess.

Yeah, thank you.

You got called back.

- Yeah, I guess so. - Vincent!

Yeah.

Your first time out! God!

Yeah, beginner's luck.

Shit.

Hey, what's wrong?

- (laughs) - Come on. What's going on?

- What? - No, it's so brilliant.

It's amazing. I mean, come on.

You know, and it was all meant to be somehow.

You know, we meet to have coffee

and tell each other secrets.

And for me to show you the advert in "Screen and Stage"

that launches your career.

Yeah, there's no careers being launched here.

You know, I got... you know, I just...

I'm going back in. I'm... I haven't even got the part yet.

You don't believe how amazing this is?

Okay.

Uh, excuse me, everybody. Um, I'm sorry to bother you,

but I just want to tell you for a second

about my dear friend here Vincent Rizzo... um, went on his

- very first audition today... - Oh, stop it.

For a Martin Scorsese film

and they liked him so much

that they've called him back on Wednesday.

And he's a prison guard!

(cheering)

Joyce.

I had... I had a great time.

(sighs)

(screams)

- Molly: So, Vincent, tell me something. - Yeah?

What are you going to tell your wife?

She doesn't even have any idea

that you even have the tiniest little inkling

of acting ambition at all.

No, she still knows nothing. She still thinks I got a poker game.

That's it. And even if I were to tell her,

she would never believe that.

I mean, I'd have to start... like go so far back

to try to even explain what had happened

and how it happened and where... the Brando thing.

And no matter what I say, I wouldn't even know where to start.

What about with the truth? I suppose that's out of the question, is it?

That's out of the question.

(sighs)

Here you go.

- (all chatting) - Denise: You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Could I have some chicken, please?

Chicken. Right. Yes.

- Mind if my hand's been on it? - That's fine. Thank you.

Denise: You okay, honey? Need anything else?

No, I'm good.

Okay, I... I think I got it.

What if you pretend to be my manager

and then you can say you discovered me?

- Nice. I like it. - Thank you very much.

Yes. I discovered you in some sort of a strange way

like... like my brother's an inmate or something.

- Nice. - And he... you know,

he heard you practicing in the loo...

- Which I do a lot. - And then he introduced me

'cause I'm a talent manager and I set you up

with Martin Scorsese's casting agents. Perfect!

If she has any problems,

your wife can come to me about them.

And you're okay with that? Because she can be kind of a hurricane.

Wives always hate me, Vincent. I'm used to it.

Mmm... okay.

Are you ready

- to go to City Island? - Now?

- So this is it? - Yeah.

- I like it. - Yeah, it's nice.

It's kind of like New England by way of Washington Heights.

(engine turns over)

"City Island Yacht & Beach Club"?

Well, it's more like a boat yard.

Only it's got some grass and barbecues.

And it's got a pier, but the views are great.

(tires screech)

Can we see the views from there just for a minute?

Yeah, I don't see why not.

Excellent.

Man on TV: Just ask your butcher

for the 80% beef, 20% fat mixture.

So, lately I've been doing the 80-30... the 80-30.

(engine revving)

- (seagulls squawking) - Molly: Every busy city

needs an island of peace.

And every busy soul needs a place of repose.

- Vince: Yeah. - Tell it to me again.

What?

- Your big secret. - About Tony?

Mmm-hmm.

You already know the whole thing.

In fact, you're the only one who does know.

Yeah, I know, but how did it work?

How did you meet his mom and...

when did you know you were leaving?

Well, I met Nan when I was about 19.

And, uh, she was older.

And, uh,

she was kinda hot for me

and I was hot to get out of the family,

you know, get away from City Island.

So we used to drink at the same bar over on Arthur Avenue.

Pretty soon I started living at her place.

And then that's when things got a little complicated.

Next thing you know, she was pregnant.

I knew by then she was bad news for me.

So she said,

"I know you're leaving anyway.

I'm not gonna get stuck with nothing for myself."

So that's when I knew she was having the kid

and I had to do what I had to do.

Or what I thought I had to do.

I was a kid.

Anyway I had 7500 bucks in my pocket that I had earned,

you know, working on my father's boat here on City Island.

I was gonna use it to go to City College,

but I gave it to her instead.

And then, you know, I got into this prison stuff.

I figured I need a steady income, pension.

- I met Joyce. - You never told anyone in your family?

I... I didn't want to burden anybody.

It was my thing.

Plus I wasn't too proud of taking off.

Leaving's never pretty, no matter how you do it.

Yeah, you can say that again.

(phone ringing)

Hello? Hello?

(beeps)

(mimics) Hello? Hello?

Bitch.

- Eh! - There was no one there.

I hate those things. Don't you hate those things?

I'm always getting the wrong number.

No, it wasn't a wrong number.

It was an announcement.

A ring-a-bell...

an indication.

For what?

(moans) Oh-ooh!

(sniffs)

Now, Vincent.

Now is the time.

Have you still got it?

What, your secret?

Yeah, of course. You sure?

No.

Yes.

Who are they?

My three secrets.

They're beautiful.

- Thank you. - Where are they?

With my husband in Schenectady.

What the hell you doing up there?

Real question is what am I doing down here?

That's where I'm from, Vincent.

Born and raised.

(American accent) My father was the janitor

at the grade school and my mother left home when I was six.

And their mother left five months ago.

Why?

To see if it was possible to pretend the past never existed.

It's not possible.

Please don't hate me, Vincent.

I thought if anyone might understand it would be you.

(rap music rumbling)

- (rap music playing) - (crowd chattering)

♪ I get right down ♪

♪ Get right down with it ♪

♪ I look around... ♪

Woman: Yeah, boy!

♪ Right now check the business ♪

♪ Only exac the fact that I'm living ♪

♪ You don't know I don't know ♪

♪ I'm keeping the rhyme and my feet can feel the flow ♪

♪ Uh, take a step pull the concept ♪

♪ Freak in between give y'all a rest ♪

♪ When I come around I get down with it... ♪

- What's up? - Seltzer water, please.

- Seltzer water? - Seltzer water.

♪ Music hypnotizing me ♪

♪ Uh, come on, come on ♪

♪ Music hypnotizing me ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ Music hypnotizing me ♪

♪ Check one, check one ♪

♪ When I come down I come down right to the sun ♪

♪ Reach to the left step with the leg ♪

♪ Caught my friend with the best ♪

- ♪ Dance with your body... ♪ - Woman: Yeah, boy!

♪ Bumpin' the scene... ♪

Oh, shit.

♪ If you know what I mean... ♪

Shit.

(distant train whistle blaring)

Uh... hi.

You know, um...

What the hell are you doing here?

Yeah, well, I guess I could ask you the same question.

Does my mother know that you have her car?

Does your mother know that you're a stripper?

Give me the key.

- Listen, I'm not trying to make any... - Let me have the key.

You don't have it, do you?

You stole my mother's car, didn't you?

- (dialing) - You're such a loser.

Hi, yeah, I'd like to report a stolen car.

Yeah, I'll hold.

Why are you even here, huh?

Shit!

Yeah, hi, my mother's car was stolen.

Yeah, license plate number... hold on.

(grunts)

- Give me that! - Calm down!

You stole my mother's car!

- And you're a stripper! - Stripping isn't against the law!

Then it's okay for me to tell your parents...

- No, don't you dare, you loser! - Bitch.

- Jailbird! - Hooker!

Don't call me that! I'm not a hooker!

Showing your tits for money, what's that called, librarian?

I got suspended from school, all right? And I lost my scholarship!

It's just so I could make enough money so I could go back

- and not have to tell my parents! - And I'm the loser, huh?

Come here. Come here.

- Get off! What are you doing? - I'm bringing your mom's car back

with you in it, so you know I really delivered. And only you know I took it.

And only I know you work here. That's gonna be the deal with us forever

until one of us blows it. That's how it works where I've been and that's how

- it's gonna work with you and me. - Take these off!

- Why did my father even bring you home? - I have no idea.

Did something happen between you and my mom?

No.

- Are you gonna tell them that... - Hey, I gave you my word, didn't I?

My word's my word, which is something you

and your jerk-off family probably never even heard of.

- Vince: That's weird. - Molly: What's wrong?

She's not home. Maybe she went out for some food.

(TV chattering)

(door closes)

Molly: Wow, this is so nice.

Yeah, my grandfather built this house.

He was a builder.

Yeah, so here's what I'm thinking.

When she comes in, I'm just gonna say straight up...

I'll just look at her and say, "Joyce,

it's time we had a talk."

Vincent, darling, that's the wrong way.

Women, they feel

challenged by too much honesty too quickly.

No, you gotta trust me on this.

I mean, after 20 years with her, I know what I'm talking about.

- Molly: Vincent, darling. - Vince: What? What?

30 years I've been a woman. Let me handle her.

We'll begin casually, no mention at all of anything unusual going on.

Before she can even think to ask what I'm doing here,

she'll be thanking me for having come into your life.

Hey, how are you doing? You're home.

Yeah, Vince. I'm home...

where I live.

Yeah, where you live.

- Who's this? - Who's this?

- Who's this? - (clears throat)

(British accent) Hi, I'm Molly Charlesworth.

It's such a pleasure.

Yeah, Molly wants... she's, uh...

Molly here... and I... we got some...

we got something we... we want... we want to tell you.

Something we want... go ahead, tell her.

Well, I have something I wanna say too, Vince.

Yeah, but what we gotta tell you here is something that's very important.

Really?

'Cause what I gotta say is pretty important too.

Yeah, but is it more important or less important

- than what I gotta tell you? - I don't know, Vince.

I don't know what it is you gotta tell me.

- May I just... - Not a word, bitch.

Hey, Joyce, you don't have to talk...

- Prick. - Prick?

Joyce: You bring her into my home?

Into my own house

where I raised your two children?

You bring this... this thing of yours?

Let me tell you something, Vince.

- I'm gonna do you a big favor. - What?

I'm gonna put both of you out of your misery.

I will not be insulted in my own home.

I want you gone, Vince!

Out of my life!

No more running around behind my back.

No more dirty cheap little lies.

No more lying in bed

wondering who else has been touching my husband!

No more lying to myself that it doesn't matter.

I found passion today, Vince.

It felt great.

I was touched and kissed...

and held.

And I felt like you haven't made me feel in years.

What are you talking about here?

I'm talking about Tony.

Tony? You did... you did... you did something with Tony?

I did more than something with Tony.

(gags)

(retching)

Oh, dear.

Greek in scope.

(screaming) Oh! Oh!

Oh! Aww!

(Vince screaming)

Tony: Holy shit, Vince!

Vince, get the key, the key! I need it now!

He's huge, Vince!

Tony: Hey hey! I'm not going anywhere!

- Stand back! - Hey, relax!

- Get out of the way! Settle down. - Vince, chill out.

Me and you, we're gonna go for a walk right now.

- It's not what you think. - Settle down.

- Just relax. - Settle down.

- It's not what you think. - A little walk and a long talk.

- Relax. Put down the knife, all right? - Stay right there.

Tony: All right, all right.

What... what... what are you wearing over there? What's that you're wearing?

Hey! What are you...

Vince!

Yeah, you better run, you son of a bitch! I'm gonna kill you!

- (TV chattering) - Dad?

- (clattering) - Where are you going?

Where are you going, you piece of shit!

- You're a piece of shit! - All right, Vince.

You screwed my wife then you screwed my daughter?! And who's next?

Who is next... my son?

Tony: Hey, I didn't screw nobody, all right?

- He didn't screw nobody! - Vince, you're making a big mistake.

- Put down the knife, all right? - You haven't answered me!

- He's defending you?! - Tony: Put down the...

You're defending her now? He's defending you!

Tony: Put down the knife! Ooh!

- Damn. - Oh, Dad, totally lame.

Okay, there.

- There's no more knives, all right? - Okay, no more knives.

- Okay? Peace, okay? - Okay.

I don't know what you think happened here, but peace, okay?

- Yeah. - Then we can talk.

- I'm sorry. - (grunts)

- (grunts) - Leave him alone, Vince!

- Give me your hand. - (handcuffs ratchet)

- Rough. - Vince, stop it!

- (grunts) - Stop it, Vince!

He didn't do nothin'! Vince! He didn't do nothin'!

Hey, get off! Yeah, he didn't do nothing?

What about all that passion and all that crap you were talking about...

Joyce: Yeah? Well, what about yours?!

Huh?! Your Molly Ringwald over there

who I'm supposed to thank for being in your life?!

You bring your filthy girlfriend into my house!

She's not my girlfriend!

I'm his manager!

- Your what?! - My manager

for the Scorsese and De Niro movie.

What De Niro movie?

I'm gonna be in a Robert De Niro movie with Marty Scorsese.

Your dad's an actor?

No... liar. He's a liar.

Oh, what kind of bullshit is that?

Well, actually, he hasn't been signed yet,

but he auditioned today and apparently made quite an impression.

They've called him back.

You went on a movie audition today?

That's right! That's what I've been trying to tell you!

And Molly here, she is a friend of mine!

A "friend"! Friend!

And we go to an acting class together

and she's the one who told me to go on the audition today.

And that's why I'm here. That's what's happening!

What acting class? When do you take an acting class?

When I play poker!

It's a ruse, you see.

Vincent didn't tell you because he has feelings of shame

and inferiority about his ambition.

- Hey, don't go that far. - Oh, I don't believe you.

You know what? I don't give a shit if you don't believe me.

In fact, I don't give two shits if you don't believe me

because you got a few things to answer for yourself!

Like what's going on over here?

What? What?

- Are you leaving me for her? - Oh come on, Ma.

- Dad couldn't get her. - Hey, little girl!

I think you better shut your mouth and mind your own business.

Anyway what are you doing handcuffed to that animal over there

- in that robe? - Tony: Tell him.

- Yeah, tell him. - Go ahead, tell him.

Tell him!

- I was back at school... - Tony: Oh my God!

Just tell him the truth! You're all so sick!

- Hello? - Oh my God.

- I stole your car, all right? - Joyce: You stole the car?

I boosted your goddamn car so I could take off

and get away from all your crap!

What does that got do with her, the young one over there?

Go ahead.

Yeah, go ahead.

I'm a stripper.

- Joyce: A what? - What about the two... those two things?

I paid for them myself, all right?

You go to college. You're in a school. You got that scholarship.

They took it away, okay?

I can go back next semester, but I gotta pay for it myself.

And I'm gonna.

Why did they take your scholarship away?

Because I screwed up, okay, Ma? I screwed up!

Me! And I got caught!

(crying) I got caught with pot in my room.

You smoke pot?

Yes, I smoke pot!

God, it's such a stupid word... pot.

They took away your scholarship

and kicked you out of school because of a little pot?

- Yeah. - Oh sweetie, honey,

everyone smokes pot.

Okay, wait a second with the lovey-dovey thing here!

We got a lot of things to settle!

You stole my car? You know I could have you locked up in 10 minutes for that?

Fine, do it! At least everyone's honest.

You're so scared of your wife, you won't even smoke in front of her.

Joyce: Vince? You're smoking.

- No, no, I quit. - Tony: Liar!

And you got your wife thinking you got a girlfriend

'cause you're too scared to tell her you wanna take an acting class?

And this whole time you got this weird agenda with me

and you won't even tell me what it is.

Why did you get me out of jail, Vince? Huh? Why did you bring me here?

I told you. I was a friend of your mother's!

My mother never had a friend so good they'd do me a right turn.

Everyone hated her. She was a drunk and a whore.

And if she got you to get me out of jail,

- I don't know what the hell I'm gonna... - Whatever I did, I did on my own.

Nobody puts me up to anything.

Your mother... your mother...

your mother was a goddamn psycho bitch.

And that's why I walked out on her before you were born.

You're my father.

(crying) I'm your father.

- Oh my God. - Oh my God.

Wait a second.

Honey, what happened here?

Oh, no, no. Sweetie,

your son was a perfect gentleman.

How long have you known about this guy?

(sniffles) I've been trying to tell you for years now. I just...

there's...

there's so much I want to tell you.

I just could never... I never could find

what seemed to be the right time.

I thought you were just sick of me.

Sick of you?

No, I can't be sick... scared of you maybe a little bit,

but never sick of you.

You're like a...

you're the air that I breathe.

Could somebody please uncuff me?

I can't believe...

I got you now. You're my boy now.

Hey, come here, hug your brother.

Right now, let's go. Hug your brother.

Well, Mom, you were right.

Dad did have sex with Tony's mom.

Kudos to you! Well... well done.

Teacher: Molly?

Molly Charlesworth?

She left town, I think.

Teacher: Isn't she your partner?

- Vince: Yeah. - Is she coming back?

I don't think so.

Well, one less actor in New York for you guys to compete with.

(all laugh)

You ready, Vince?

- Yeah. - Go ahead.

The other day you asked me

my worst secret...

my most personal secret, the secret of all my secrets.

At the time, I didn't understand it.

But now I get it.

But first, I wanna begin by telling you who I am,

where I'm from.

My name is Vince Rizzo and I'm from City Island.

Vince: Somehow with Tony's appearance a lot of good things happened.

(laughing)

- (car door opens) - Man: Hey!

- You are one lying son of a bitch! - No, hey hey hey!

To my husband, the best actor in City Island.

Man: And cut!

I guess I should've looked for a musical.

- Man: We've gotta go again! - How was that, Vince? Good?

- Going again. Resetting. - That felt fantastic.

To my father, the only actor on City Island.

- Hey, watch yourself. - I'm hearing we're going again.

- Okay. - But it's not you, you were excellent.

- Whatever. - We're making some adjustments.

Okay, whatever. I'm here.

- Manny! Manny! More squibs. - Okay! Camera reload!

Vince: Every busy city needs an island of peace.

Just like every busy soul needs a place of repose.

- Hey, Vinnie! Get over here! - (R&B music playing)

Vince: Me? I was lucky...

We'll be right back!

...because God, He has a way of busting you

- when you most need it. - Hold hands like we're saying grace.

Vince: And He has a way of giving you a second chance

to atone for your screw-ups.

Now I got my second chance.

Okay, let's eat!

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm not trying ♪

♪ To tell you how to do it ♪

♪ I'm only saying ♪

♪ Put some thought into it ♪

♪ Be what you are my friend ♪

♪ And live the life ♪

♪ Be what you are my friend ♪

♪ And live the life ♪

♪ Just because you made this child ♪

♪ Attend some private school ♪

♪ You try to send yours ♪

♪ Knowing all the time ♪

♪ You're really not able to ♪

♪ Don't try to live like a king ♪

♪ Yeah, on a poor man's pay ♪

♪ That's one reason ♪

♪ There are so many ♪

♪ People are hurting today ♪

♪ Lord ♪

♪ I'm not trying to tell you how to do it ♪

♪ I'm only saying ♪

♪ Put some thought into it ♪

♪ Be what you are my friend ♪

♪ And live the life ♪

♪ Be what you are my friend ♪

♪ And live the life ♪

♪ Don't try to live as high ♪

♪ As you see you boss man do, yeah ♪

♪ Just remember ♪

♪ You work for him ♪

♪ And he don't work for you ♪

♪ If there's something that you want ♪

♪ Oh, and you know ♪

♪ You can't afford it ♪

♪ Don't be ashamed ♪

♪ To a put a little down on it ♪

♪ Tell the layaway to hold it, yeah ♪

♪ I'm not trying ♪

♪ To tell you how to do it ♪

♪ I'm only saying ♪

♪ Put some thought into it ♪

♪ Be what you are my friend ♪

♪ And live the life ♪

♪ Be what you are my friend ♪

♪ And live the life ♪

- ♪ Be what you are, my friend ♪ - ♪ Don't be ashamed ♪

♪ And live the life ♪

- ♪ You all ♪ - ♪ Be what you are, my friend ♪

- ♪ And live the life ♪ - ♪ Just live your life ♪

♪ You know what? ♪

- ♪ Be what you are, my friend ♪ - (vocalizing)

♪ And live the life ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪ - ♪ Just be what you are, my friend ♪

♪ And live the life ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Be what you are my friend ♪

♪ And live the life ♪

♪ Be what you are my friend ♪

♪ And live the life ♪

♪ Listen to me now ♪

♪ No, no, just ♪

♪ Be what you are my friend ♪

♪ And live the life ♪

♪ Be what you are my friend ♪

♪ And live the life ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ Be what you are my friend ♪

♪ And live the life. ♪

- (waves lapping) - (seagulls squawking)

(the end)