Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

NARRATOR: Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

(lively jazz playing)

Lord... Lord...

how it come to this, I'll never know.

The Lord's kitchen,

and that deserves better than I got.

Old man shouldn't be working.

Should be relaxing in the sunshine in a hammock,

sipping something cool,

watching the young folk carry the load.

'Cause this ain't natural.

You hear that, woman?!

This ain't natural.

(tapping)

Henry Hogan, Pierce, Lubner and Hogan,

here to see Miss Cuzzins.

She told me someone was coming by.

Don't know why that woman

can't keep her hours in the regular old daytime.

An old man shouldn't have to work

into the wee hours of the morning, no, sir.

No heart.

That woman treats me just like

the old kitchen rat that I am.

This place is a gold mine.

WOMAN: My cookies can do a whole lot for you.

You won't find nothing, no place,

that's as good for your soul as these here cookies of mine.

Take the trouble off your shoulders,

put a smile on your face

and make you feel just like a child again.

Hey, I'm the advertising man here,

and I'm already a satisfied customer.

Yes, indeed, I am.

As a matter of fact, I am probably

your number one fan.

Why, when I munch on one of your Shortbread Painkillers here,

my headache just seems to go right away.

And when I take one of your Oatmeal Bodybuilders,

why, I feel like I've been exercising the whole week long.

And when I pop one of your Peanut Butter Tranquillizers...

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

Well...

It's not my imagination now, is it, Miss Cuzzins?

And it ain't no flashback from childhood innocence.

It ain't innocence at all, is it, Miss Cuzzins?

Why don't you go ahead and scratch that itch, Mr. Hogan.

You've been wanting to

ever since you called on me this afternoon.

Okay.

Here it is.

You've done pretty well with this little shop,

but I say... why settle for this?

I want to show you how you can expand.

How you could put more stores right here in New Orleans--

franchises in every major city.

Why, you could become a millionaire--

even a billionaire. Hmm...

Sit down, Hogan.

Why, thank you, ma'am.

You see, you inspired me.

You inspired me to open up my own advertising agency.

And you're looking to steal away your first client.

That it, Mr. Hogan?

I'm just tired of answering to people.

Tired of answering to people

that I know that I'm smarter than.

When people find out what I do

with this little cookie shop of yours,

I'm going to have clients lined up a mile long.

I might even become an advertising legend.

But what if this hole-in-the-wall cookie shop

ain't interested, hmm?

You'll be interested.

You see, you've got to be interested.

Because if you're not, Mrs. Cuzzins,

I'll have to do it without you.

That means that I'll have to find out

what you've got in this here cookie batter.

And I'm sure the boys down at the crime lab

would be glad to help me out.

(chuckling)

(Dixieland jazz playing)

(sighs, chuckles)

I figured something like this was coming.

Yes, sir, I've had my eyes on you.

Waiting for you to make your move.

I had a fistful of Crunchy Nut Aggressions

on my way over here.

Now, why don't you try some of your Tollhouse Mind Expanders

and see what a fabulous future we can have together.

(wry chuckle)

The only cookies I ever eat are Chocolate Chip Happiness.

Hmm. That's why I can keep

a smile on my face while dealing with sidewinders like you.

Hey, I'm just out to make a buck.

You're the one that's pushing

chemical persuasion across the counter.

Now see, that's why I don't like the idea of partners.

Partners always seem to wind up thinking badly of one another.

Hmm. I don't want to be your partner.

I want no part of the rap

if you get caught at what you're doing.

I don't even want to know what magic ingredients

you're using in these here cookies.

All I want is your advertising business.

And I even got the first Hogan slogan.

"Cuzzins Dozens... little brown bags full of country sunshine...

to help you cope with city life."

Hogan, that's a good slogan.

This slogan can sell a bunch of Cuzzins Dozens.

Hmm.

Can't them feet move any faster,

you old kitchen rat?

It takes you an hour

to watch a minute go by on the clock.

Brain soaked with liquor.

That's your problem,

you worthless old kitchen rat.

Hmm.

(sighs)

Well, Hogan, I'll think on all of this.

I ain't saying I'm gonna do it,

but I'll think on it.

Hmm?

Hmm.... hmm.

Help yourself to some cookies

on your way out.

(Cuzzins cackling with laughter)

Here, take these cookies with you.

Wha...? Okay.

Hey, I never seen this on the rack before.

I thought she only baked 12 different kinds--

Cuzzins Dozens.

Baker's dozen.

That's always 13.

She don't sell these.

They're too powerful.

Too powerful, huh?

CUZZINS: Aloysius!

Hey, um, what's in these things, anyway, old man?

I can't tell you that.

Sh-She's a bayou witch woman.

The worst there is.

(laughing)

You've got to be kidding.

Well, she keep that smile on her face,

but you stare at it long enough, you see the devil in there.

It's some bad hoodoo

she's using, Hogan.

She belong to the devil all right.

CUZZINS: Aloysius!

(entrance bell ringing)

I got to take a chance on you, Hogan.

This woman needs to be brought down.

And these gingerbread cookies

are the only things that can do it.

Oh, why would I do a thing like that?

CUZZINS: Aloysius, you get in here!

Wait a minute, old man. We ain't through talking yet.

I'm gonna be back just as soon as I find out

what these cookies can do.

Just go. Go.

(door locking)

Old man shouldn't have to work like this.

CUZZINS: You're gonna work until you die,

you old kitchen rat!

You loafed away your whole life,

doing nothing for nobody.

I'm gonna see to it that you make up for it, though.

I'm gonna work your butt to a frazzle.

(whimpering)

This ain't natural, woman!

You gave out a dozen of my gingerbreads,

didn't you, old man?

You took some of the batch

I was baking and gave it to Hogan,

didn't you?! (groans)

(gasping groan)

You think he's gonna use them against me, don't you?

Ha-ha!

You simple old fool.

He ain't gonna do nothing against me.

(yelling in pain)

When he finds out what them cookies can do,

he's gonna use them to feather his nest.

His and mine.

I'm gonna get rich and famous.

(chuckles)

And old Hogan's gonna do it for me.

(cackling)

No!

No!

It ain't natural.

You ain't natural.

Not since the night you first drew breath.

I knew it.

Oh, I wish I could take that night back.

Make it so you never was.

(groans)

(wheezing)

Yes, sir, I know you do.

But you should have thought of that

before you went off chasing moonshine.

Before you left me

and my mama in a backwater shack

with three pennies in my hand

and even less in my head.

Nah, it's too late now.

(whimpering) Way too late.

It's too late, Papa!

(Aloysius screaming and groaning)

(rat squeaking)

Kitchen rat.

Old rotten kitchen rat!

(laughing)

(maniacal laughter)

�

WOMAN: So you finally decided to come home.

Go back to bed, Helen.

Who are you seeing, Henry?

Is it your secretary, Marlene?

Is that who it is?

I am not seeing anyone.

I was at a business meeting.

Now will you please go back to sleep?!

It is Marlene, isn't it?

I hear you on the phone with her, Henry.

There's that certain something in your voice.

You talk to her

the way you used to talk to me.

I'm not seeing anyone.

Now you're starting to agitate me.

Will you please go to bed?

You don't pay attention to me anymore, Henry.

You haven't for a long time.

I'm preoccupied trying to make money.

You know, money, Helen--

that green stuff that you like to spend?

It's not the work, Henry!

It's me.

You've lost interest in me.

And now you're seeing someone else.

Admit it!

Not now. Not now, Helen.

Please, not now!

(screaming in pain)

(groans)

Now what the hell is the matter, Helen?

Oh, my God, how frightening.

I've never felt anything like that in my life.

Like what?

Like... pain!

Pain-- hot.

Hot like I was being dunked

in boiling water or something.

(groaning)

Ow!

(screams)

(screaming)

(laughing maniacally)

MALE REPORTER: Larry Julius reporting from New Orleans where the American dream

has come true for a lady who bakes cookies.

Thanks to a clever campaign designed by adman Henry Hogan,

Miss Ruby Cuzzins is spreading Chocolate Chip Happiness

from sea to shining sea.

FEMALE REPORTER: Charles Arbergast, president of the First National Bank

of New Orleans, died last night,

from stab wounds suffered when a mugger assaulted him

in a parking lot in the French Quarter of the city.

(laughter continues throughout)

MALE REPORTER: Henry Hogan,

founder of Hogan's Slogans is rumored

to be about to file for bankruptcy protection.

In an announcement that stunned the advertising world,

Hogan said today that,

due to circumstances beyond his control,

he was afraid he could no longer stay in business.

(knocking)

ALOYSIUS: I'm coming. I'm coming.

Hello, Aloysius. How you been?

Aloysius, wait, I want to talk to you.

We got nothing to say to each other, Mr. Hogan.

Aloysius, wait.

Wait, Aloysius.

Well...

well, well! (chuckles)

You've just about used up all those cookies

Aloysius gave you last year,

right, Hogan?

What cookies?

I know he gave you those gingerbreads,

and I know what you've been doing with them.

Except they're just about all used up by now,

ain't they, Hogan?

(sighing): I-I want...

I-I gotta have 12, 12 more gingerbread cookies.

Those other clients never did come around, did they, Hogan?

They never did line up

the way you thought they would, huh?

You know why?

'Cause I fixed it.

I figured, uh, you should pay all of your attention to me

and my cookies.

What are you gonna do with that one cookie you got left, huh?

Planning on using it on me, hmm?

Only if I have to, Miss Cuzzins.

We ain't gonna hurt your only claim to fame.

Huh?

No, sir, you can't afford to toss me aside.

Baby, I'm all you got!

You know, Hogan, when you first came in here

with your crazy scheme,

I was afraid we wasn't gonna get along too well.

Huh, but now we're getting along just fine.

Real fine,

ain't we, darlin'?

(smooching)

(door shuts)

(sighs)

(ice tinkling in glass)

(soft groan)

It's after midnight.

(sighs)

I had a meeting.

With who, Marlene?

I'm not seeing Marlene.

I'm not seeing anyone.

Now look, I've had a real rough day.

I'm gonna go upstairs, I'm gonna take a shower,

and I'm gonna try and relax.

When I come out, you'd better be asleep.

(ice tinkling in glass)

(water running)

(crinkling)

I never wore purple lipstick.

You are seeing Marlene.

Henry, you...!

(Henry screaming)

(screaming continues)

(shrieks)

(screaming)

(Henry stops screaming)

(Cuzzins grunts) (Aloysius groans)

It's past your bedtime, kitchen rat.

I'm gonna get you, woman.

Hogan missed his chance,

but I still got mine!

(chuckles)

You do, do you?

Well, we'll see about that.

(Aloysius groaning)

What are you going to do to me

when you're just an old kitchen rat?

(groaning)

Kitchen rat! Kitchen rat!

(laughing)

(squeaking)

(laughing maniacally)

(laughing uncontrollably)

(gasping breaths)

(screaming): Aloysius!

You couldn't have!

No! You... How did you...?

What is, what is...?

(screaming in agony)

Aloysius!

(gasping)

(panting)

A baker's dozen!

You gave him 12,

then you kept the 13th!

(screaming)

(screaming in horror)

(sustained screaming)

(screaming continues)

NARRATOR: The dark side is always there.

Waiting for us to enter.

Waiting to enter us.

Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight.